Tag Archives: comparison

Day 369: Comparing Your Reach

I recently listened to two Eqafe interviews that I can warmly recommend:

These interviews covered the topic of wanting to have a impact, wanting to influence, wanting to be noticed/seen by others and what consequences this behavior can cause. The example used in the interview was that of social media; when we spend most of our time trying to share what is going on in our lives in a interesting way, so that we can in turn receive the attention we desire. I suspect that there are many out there that are able to relate to this.

Personally I do not have issue with social media – however – that does not mean that I have been spared from the desire to achieve fame and have a impact. For me, this desire has taken other shapes and found its way into my work and my decisions in terms of hobbies and interests. One example of how this desire have limited me is the following: By nature, I am a eclectic. I enjoy variety, pursuing new interests, paths, and testing out new things. And often I discover new avenues that I would like to discover. However, the aforementioned desire has from time to time limited from moving forward on those avenues. Because in the back of my mind there has been this voice asking: Who will notice/be effected if I decide to pursue this point? Hence, I have evaluated my ideas on the basis of what kind of reach/effect I would be able to achieve. And if my evaluation ended up in the conclusion that I would not be able to achieve any noteworthy impact – then I would withhold myself from pursuing the point.

By listening to these interviews, I have again become reminded of how important it is to not compare myself with anyone else. It does not matter what anyone else is doing, it does not matter how many people I reach, what is important is that I walk by my own self-honesty, and that I give effort into my life that is already here. Because fact of the matter is that I do already have a certain reach. It might not be global and it might not touch that many – though even still I am important and I do have a significant impact – people, animals, plants, things – there are many that are dependent on me. And if I am busy trying to increase my reach – obsessed and lost in the desire to achieve fame and notoriety – then I will miss and forget these points in my life which I do already have a responsibility towards.

Hence – instead of increasing my reach – my focus should be on perfecting the influence/impact I already have – to thus make sure that I am living what is best, and giving what is best, for the people, animals and plants in my life, that are dependent on me. And that is what I will focus upon whenever this desire to acquire a broader reach comes up within me – FOCUS on what is HERE already and build on that.


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Day 459: Removing Comparison and Competition = Making Place for LIFE

Comparison and competition. Two characteristics that have been given unwarranted value and attention as a way to find fuel/drive to push and execute projects. Its a general idea that we become spurred when the competition increase and that we grow and evolve through comparing ourselves with others. The reality is that comparison and competition are distractions – experiences that hinder us from accessing our own unique and individual drive/decision to do/move/act. I have personally never been able to engage myself using fear of loss, which is the primary emotional force that drives people to excel in competitions. For me, I have needed calm and a unconditional stability – when my environment has been set up in this way – I have been able to create/produce the best.

Looking deeper into comparison and competition it makes sense that these two energies does not support growth. Comparison and competition places the focus OUTSIDE of ourselves. We have to focus on what someone else is doing, focus on our position, or the way we express ourselves, relative to someone else – hence – a split-personality is created. It is thus inevitable that we cannot place our complete and unwavering attention ONLY on what is here before us. That will cause us to express a lesser version of ourselves. Furthermore, when our focus is on making sure that we win, it is very easy to compromise and forget our own individual expression. Because, it might be that ‘winning’ requires us to give up on what we enjoy about that particular activity, and thus, we sacrifice our soul to make sure that we win.

Instead, the best kind of drive that can be found/established is to define and harness our own personal enjoyment/expansion/relationship with the particular activity/project we are participating within.

For example, with me while I was still studying, my main reason, that I kept within me and held unto, as I pushed through resistances, was that I enjoyed discovering and expanding myself and my understanding of society/the world system. For me it was not about having the ‘best marks’ – what was important was the process, the movement, the unfolding process that I was walking. And because of my starting point, I was not discouraged when I experienced set backs or when I faced challenges. My priority as LEARNING and EXPANDING – and because I approached my studies this way – I was able to receive the best marks – even though that was not the goal in itself.

While self-motivated movement supports expansion and growth – comparison and competition supports a harsh and ruthless inner world where only results matter, and where the results are measured against the results of others. The process, the physical movements in themselves, are not given any value. The consequence of this is that we start to loose touch with ourselves, our core so to speak. This might also be why so many have difficulties to retain their original joy and pleasure in a professional skill that was initially nurtured in the form of a hobby. Because in the professional world, the world of money, what is forced upon the participants is a result-oriented and competitive mindset. And to survive in the money world, it is required to focus on the results – however – that does not mean that we have to accept and allow everything about ourselves to be taken over by the efficiency-mindset – and neither does it mean that we have to fuel ourselves using energies coming from comparison and competition.

Though I would not completely disregard comparison and competition. Because comparison can be changed into INSPIRATION. Where we, instead of trying to measure ourselves relative to another, we look at what we enjoy, like, see is good about another, and we take that skill/ability/approach and integrate it into our own life. Allowing ourselves to become inspired adds more colors to our self-creation pallet. Each one of us have our own unique strengths, and if we allow ourselves to be open and recognize those in others, we can through practice and imitation start adding them to our own.

As for competition, this can be changed into self-competition – where we continuously push ourselves to move our boundaries as to what we think we are capable of forward. Otherwise, it is easy to stagnate. When we are ‘pretty’ good at something, it feels nice to relax and let go for a moment. Though, if we want to really expand our relationship with a certain skill/project we cannot stop there – and we have to move beyond the plateaus, and those are inevitable. If we constantly compete with ourselves, that is a concrete way to avoid undue self-satisfaction – and instead keep moving towards achieving our best and highest potential.

To summarize: Comparison and competition are both destructive patterns – however they can be transformed into supportive and self-nurturing habits. It takes a bit of self-will and application – though through consistent movement and through utilizing the tools of self-forgiveness, self-commitment statements and writing – it is most definitely possible.

Also – be sure to check out these Eqafe interviews on the topic:

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Day 430: What is Success?

When I look at what success means to me at the moment, I am able to see that it is something I define through comparison. To me currently, success is relative, and it is based upon what others think are successful, and then, through comparing myself to where others are, I accordingly position myself on the ‘success’ thermometer. However, I find that this definition is problematic, because by defining success in relation to others, I miss myself.

Hence, if I would slow myself down, and look at what success if for myself, I see that success is something very personal. What is success for me, might not be success for another – because success – has to do with my intent – and what I want to create and build in my life. Thus, in-fact, I can never become successful if I only keep striving towards that which I believe others see as being successful, as I have not even then, actually defined for myself, what is success?

Hence, if I bring the point back to myself, and look at success, what does this word entail to me?

The way I see success, it implies, actually walking through a difficulty/challenge, or walking a path, a process of creation, where I have a set goal and direction, and success, would be the point where I am actually able to reach this point. Practically speaking, success to me would mean walking this process of birthing life from the physical, diligently, consistently and really change myself. It would mean that I follow my inner voice and walk a life that is ME – and not a life where I try to be what everyone else wants to be. Further, success would be a me, doing something with my life that can contribute and support the lives of others, and where I hence, support the growth of success in a crowd of people. Further, a life filled with animals, nature and movement, that would be success to me – a life that I have created for myself because I have seen that it is best for me – I have seen that it is what I genuinely want – that is success to me.

What everyone else is doing is immaterial, and if there is a movement of jealousy or comparison within me, it is indicating that I am still not clear on what success is to me! Then I am still clouded, and really, without my own principle and direction. And that is also interesting, that when my head turns, and the comparisons start to emerge, it is showing me that I have not yet decided, I have not yet committed, I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to be intimate with myself, and actually within that, commited to a direction that I want for myself. Thus, a part of success has to do with self-respect, self-awareness, and self-value – because unless I see value in myself and what I want for me – how can I ever make the decision to create and live a life for myself – that I want for and as myself – as successful?

Thus, I will sit down for myself and write out what is success for me more clearly – so that I make sure – that when I walk and live the word success – it is a word that I create and live for and as myself – and not something I do to be like everyone else.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define success in separation from myself, to see success, and strive for success, through wanting to do what everyone else defines and sees as successful – instead of asking myself – and looking within myself – what I want to do with my life – what I want to create – what is success for me? What does it mean to achieve for me? What does it mean to make something meaningful and great out of myself and my life?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure success according to how I perceive others see and define success – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for example – strive to have the perfect career – because everyone else seems to value that – strive to achieve and have the perfect home – because everyone else seems to value that – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss myself – to forget about myself – to not look within myself –  because I am too busy worrying – fearing – creating experiences about what others are or are not doing with themselves and their lives

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a successful life, in the eyes of others, instead of wanting a successful life for and as myself – and thus I see, realize and understand how important it is for me to define – what is success? What does it mean to be successful for ME? How can I achieve and create success in my life in a way that is BEST for me and thus BEST for ALL?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure myself through the eyes of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not listen to myself, and be intimate with myself, and embrace the point within me of creating a life and a future that is in alignment with what is best for me and not how I believe everyone else wants to live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others, and want to achieve that I perceive others want to achieve, so that I can feel that in comparison with others, I am better than them, and my life is better than theirs – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask myself, what constitutes a excellent and enjoyable life for me? What constitutes success for me? What does it mean for me to live life fully? And hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, bring myself back here – and bring the word SUCCESS back to and as myself

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself comparing myself with others, or see myself trying to investigate/figure out what to do, through looking at what others are doing, I take a breath, I bring myself back here, and I stop myself – and I see, realize and understand that I will not be able to live success, to experience success and have success unless I redefine and create success for and as myself, through asking myself, what is success in-fact, and thus, not trying to achieve and create success in a state of competition and fear – and hence I commit myself to investigate and create success in my life and for myself and do it as an expression of myself – as something that is genuine and real – and that I do because I see it is best – not something I do because I fear I will miss out otherwise


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Day 269: Hierarchies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people that are above me in the hierarchy in my work place – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into inferiority, and fear when communicating with someone that have a higher and more important position in comparison with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to position, according to where I am in a hierarchy, whether I am on top, or on bottom, whether I am the most experienced, or the least experienced, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my experience of myself depending on what position I have, and what position another have, and feel/be more comfortable with myself when others have lower positions than me, and I can define myself/experience myself as having a higher position than others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to acquire a feeling of being comfortable with myself through gaining a more desirable, and attainable position than what others have, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, and believe that when another have a more rewarding position than what I have, in terms of monetary benefits, then that person is better than me, is superior to me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I do not need to define myself according to money, and define my value/importance according to money – but to see, realize and understand that all are in-fact equal – and that money/status/position doesn’t change this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that for me to become more stable, more comfortable, and at ease with myself, I require to gain more money, and attain a higher position in comparison with others, and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself limit my living, and my expression of the word comfort – in thinking that for me to live this word I require to have more money than others – I must be the winner of the money competition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back, and fear expressing myself when I am around others that have a higher grade, and a better standing than me in the system, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing myself, and fear being myself around others, in thinking that I will not be accepted, and that I am not liked, and that I am strange and dislikable, and that people doesn’t want to have anything to do with me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my real, genuine self-expression, in the belief that its dirty, and wrong, and that in order for me89tatus, and become someone/something in eyes of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my stability/standing on how much money I have in the system – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the only point that I require to stand stable in the system is my trust in myself – my trust that I will stand by and with myself and walk in stability throughout my life – and regardless of what I face – always remember and remind myself of my purpose – which is to create a life that is best for all and bring through the expression of what is best for all in everything that I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my stability, and standing, on what position I have in the system, and on what career I make of myself in the system, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let career, money, and position define me, and set up who I am, and what I am capable of doing, and what I am not capable of doing, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget myself – and who I am – and that I am in-fact capable of standing and walking in stability throughout my life – and create a future for myself that is truly magnificent – and that is truly effective – and that is best for all – and that I do not have to limit and confine this movement of and as myself to be connected to money/position/who I am in this system

When and as I see that I am holding myself back, or waiting with living/expressing/creating my life, because I believe that I do not yet hold the necessary position to create my life, to fulfill myself, and build a future for myself and this world, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that it is up to me to create – and that I do not have to wait for anything – that I do not have to wait for me to get a particular spot in the system – that I do not have to wait for me to get a particular salary – that I can decide here that I will live fulfillment as WHO I AM – and thus not anymore wait; and thus I commit myself to live in every moment – every day – the word fulfillment – in realizing that I am full here – and that I can create and build my life here in every moment – and that waiting for that is an illusion that is not real

I commit myself to stand with the courage, and stability, to be an equal participant in this world, and understand that money, position, and career does not make me – I make/create myself – and thus I commit myself to stand equal and one regardless of what position I am within – regardless of what my duties and responsibilities are – I commit myself to remember, and remind myself – that I am here – and that my primary responsibility is to walk my process of birthing myself from the physical as life

Day 218: Recognizing Myself

One emotional experience that have come up recently with more force and fervor has been that of looking at my life, my relationships and daily living – and then comparing this to the lives of others – and in that making a conclusion – that apparently my life is a failure – my life is not good enough – and I’ve not established or walked a sufficiently fulfilling life.

For some context in terms of how the point emerged within me. I was scrolling through Facebook, and then saw a post from an old friend – and decided to see what he’s been up to. I saw that he’d acquired a new job, and that he’d been left with many comments, where his former work colleagues shared with him how much he was going to be missed at his old job.

This then triggered the particular experience within me, where I had this image come up in my mind of my bedroom as I wake up in the morning, and then followed by backchat, that was charged with an energy of failure – thus these statements emerged where I was berating myself for not through my life having created more relationships with people where they would write similar things to me – as to how much they were going to miss me and feel sad that I couldn’t be a part of their lives anymore.

The energy that was triggered by the thought and the backchat was failure – and I felt like an underachiever. What I did in that moment was to slow down, and immediately apply self-forgiveness on the energy as well as the backchat – and this assisted and supported me to clear the experience and return to the stability of breathing and being here with my human physical body. Though because this experience was intense and it’s come up several times – I saw that it was required for me to investigate it more closely.

Now, in analyzing and picking a part this experience – I’m able to see that the origin of this point is a lack of self-acceptance – and the problem is that I’ve defined self-acceptance in a relationship to success – and success in association to attaining fame and popularity in the system – because hey – that is what I saw in the comments that where directed towards my friend – he seemed popular, liked and appreciated!

Obviously, the most burning of questions is why I don’t give that appreciation to myself – or rather HOW I don’t give that appreciation and acceptance to myself – because if I was appreciating and accepting myself – would I then experience this urge and want of having others seeing, recognizing and valuing me? No – I wouldn’t.

Thus – HOW am I not giving this to myself? The first thing I’m able to see is that I don’t accept and allow myself to recognize myself for what I actually HAVE DONE and ACCOMPLISHED in my life – because there are a few things I’ve done that took great effort and willpower – that I’m actually proud over when looking back. Though that is not something that I yet allow myself to really embrace – thus – the first point of self-correction and living application that I see I can implement in my process of correcting this point – is to accept and allow myself to recognize what I’ve done and accomplished – and in that allow myself to be proud over and satisfied with myself – and thus accept and allow that point of self-recognition and self-appreciation to come through instead of hoping that others are going to give it to me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself – and accept and allow myself to be proud over and satisfied with the points that I’ve accomplished in my life – that I’ve given effort into and walked to perfection – and that I’ve really had to push and will myself through resistances and limitations in order to create – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not appreciate my strengths, skills, aptitudes, talents and capabilities – and what I am in-fact effective and good at – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself for granted – and to compare myself with others and berate me for the weaknesses I have – instead of assisting and supporting myself to strengthen my strengths – to enhance those points in myself where I’m already effective and potent – and thus place my focus and attention on what I’m able to create in my life – instead of that which I perceive to be a problem and that I’m not able to walk

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never be satisfied and content with myself – even though I accomplish a great feat and really push myself to establish a particular point that do requires effort – to believe that I am not worthy of recognition, praise and acceptance – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy the behavior of my parents – living and creating a belief that I must never be satisfied with myself because that is apparently not something that I am accepted and allowed to give to myself – because apparently I am flawed and less than – and thus doomed to for an eternity walk in this life thirsting for acceptance yet never really ever finding a place of comfort for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the consequence of me at all times expecting more from myself – and not allowing myself to look back and see all the effective and cool points that I’ve manifested for myself – is that I am breaking myself down – instead of accepting and allowing myself to build myself – to through seeing what I’ve created and what I’ve been able to do – further push myself and become even more enthusiastic with regards to my self-creation process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the flawed starting point and premise that I’m apparently not worthy of self-acceptance, being proud over myself, and being satisfied with myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when always being discontent with myself and my efforts – I will be able to produce greater results – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that when I am berating and judging myself – I’m in-fact breaking myself down – making me less capable and driven – because I generate an emotional experience within me of feeling like a failure – that then draws all my attention – instead of me placing my focus, effort and attention upon me creating myself as life – building myself as life – and walking my life to get done and establish that which is required to be established

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself for having dedicated several years of my to myself with regards to walking this process of self-creation – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself for having soon completed a university education – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that in my life, and in that in myself which is effective, which is working – where I’m actually producing results that I should be satisfied with – because the results are actually very cool

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself for having walked through my resistances and pushed myself to progress in my Desteni I Process course – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this point for granted – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that it’s something I’ve actually walked with great effort and that I’ve invested a lot of will power into – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself credit for that which I’ve walked and established

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that only because I recognize myself – and see my achievements – that this doesn’t have to mean that I will become complacent and self-conceited – because obviously I can still push and will myself to create my life – yet when I recognize and actually accept and allow myself to see my progress – I create this natural drive and motivation to push myself – because I’m able to see the results – I’m able to see what I’m creating and what outflows and effects my creation have on myself and in the relationships in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself credit for having pushed myself to participate as a host in the Desteni Hangouts – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this point for granted as something that I simply should be doing – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s actually a commitment that I’ve made and that I’ve walked for quite some time – and that it’s been a point I’ve invested effort into and thus not something that just came to me easily – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize that point in my life and in myself as something that I walked and created that I can in-fact be proud over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and be hard on myself for having difficulties in creating networks and relationships with other people – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s unnecessary for me to go into this state of harshness and judgmental attitude – rather I commit myself to be forgiving – to accept myself as I am at the moment – and then from that starting point begin to push myself to become more effective in creating networks and relationships – not from a starting point of thinking that I am bad, wrong or unfitting in my current state – rather that I push myself from within and as a starting point of me wanting to expand and move myself beyond my limitations – because I enjoy it and find it fascinating – and because I’ve been able to do so with many other points in my life

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that a thought arise within me of me berating and judging myself, for me apparently having a boring, unsatisfactory, inferior lifestyle in comparison with others, in terms of being accepted, recognized and seen, being popular and having many relationships – I immediately stop myself – I take a breath and I bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and I see, realize and understand that this idea within me that I’m apparently a inferior human being isn’t aligned with reality – because there are many things in my life that I can be proud over, that I can give myself credit for, that I can be truly satisfied with – and thus I commit myself to recognize these aspects of my life – to give myself credit for what I’ve created and established – to give myself credit for my strengths, my skills, talents and aptitudes – and in that recognize, see and accept myself

When and as I see that I am berating and judging myself, for me not as I perceive others are able to do, creating relationships, networks, and doing these ‘fun’ ‘eventful’ and ‘interesting’ pastime activities with others – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that in approaching these weaknesses of mine from this starting point of judgment, I’m in-fact only breaking myself down, and placing even further away from moving into a solution – and thus I commit myself to accept myself as I am at this stage – and from this starting point of unconditional self-acceptance – move myself to change – to direct myself – and to create myself in those areas of my life where I see that I’m not very effective or potent – and that there is more to build and create – more things to explore, realize and live

Day 109: Living Up To My Ideals

Today I would like to write about self-judgment. This is a point that during the last days have been accumulating within me.

The context of this self-judgment, as it comes up within me, is that I will have, during my day, said or done something which I in hindsight believe haven’t been up to standards – it was the wrong thing to say, it was stupid to say, to was ridiculous to say – and the thought coming up within me in the moment, as I look back on the event – is a big NO – I shouldn’t have said or done that!

In connection with this thought an experience of embarrassment together with anxiety arise within me, and I can see that I am within my mind, looking at myself from the perspective of how I believe others see me – I look at myself from a third person view, and create these various thoughts towards myself, as I see myself act and behave and speak.

When I look at how I’ve behaved and acted in self-honesty, I am able to see that there isn’t necessarily anything wrong or bad with what I’ve said or done – mostly it’s these very minor mistakes, or errors, as I perceive them; such as for example: yesterday I was in school, and decided to speak on a particular subject, yet the point didn’t come out very clearly, and I also became nervous and shaky in my voice as I shared the point – I mean, looking at this, it’s obvious that this is not in anyway severe or bad and something that I in the future, in all ways should attempt and try to avoid – it was simply me not being clear on a point, and then as I shared it, my communication and sharing of the point reflected how I wasn’t yet effectively standing and being clear as to what it was I communicated.

What I see being the solution, is that I must be more gentle with myself, and accept and allow myself to make mistakes – also as experiences come up from within me, what I tend to do is that I judge myself for having these experiences come up within me, instead of accepting and allowing myself to be gentle and patient, and get to know the points, get to know myself – and change myself – not from a starting point of blame and self-judgment – but from within and as a starting point of being gentle with myself.

I can also see this point of hardness not only coming through within, but I also express it outwardly, and it reveals in how I deal with, and direct relationships in my direct world – I tend to be very harsh, brutal and inconsiderate – and the motto I hold is the one of “Do it now, and do it right!” – instead of realizing that with some points, this stance isn’t very effective at all – because some points do require another approach – a more gentle, considerate and soft approach – which is something that I will work with; to allow myself to be gentle with myself and others in my world.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself, judge myself, be angry at myself, and frustrated when I perceive that I am doing mistakes, when I am faulting, and when I am not behaving as I perceive that I should behave and experience myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle with myself, to not be more soft in my approach with myself – and within this accept and allow myself to make mistakes and not judge myself for doing such

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself and judge myself when I make mistakes, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect from myself that I will always do everything perfect immediately, and I will not in anyway fail, and make a mistake – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inconsiderate towards myself, wherein I am not taking myself into account, but simply expecting of myself that I will do what is necessary to be done, not questions asked, I will get the point immediately, no questions asked – and if I don’t – well then I am apparently a complete failure who must be punished

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself within myself, to go into and as these punishing sprees within my mind, wherein I am berating myself, thinking that I am not good enough – why didn’t I immediately walk through this point, why do I experience myself like this, why haven’t I yet changed this particular point? And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle with myself, and accept and allow myself to move slowly, to open up one point at a time, and to when I make decisions in my world, to take myself into account as who I am here – and not as the idea of who I want to be that exists within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea in my mind of who and what I want to be, that I compare myself with, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle with myself, be caring and loving towards myself, wherein I do not accept and allow myself to be harsh and judgmental with myself, but wherein I instead take things slowly, walk points as fast as I am able to walk them, and I do not expect more of myself than what I am currently able and capable of walking effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect more from myself than what I am able to practically and effectively walk, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be caught in a state of expectation, that I should be, express and experience myself as I see in my mind, as the idea I’ve created of who and what I should be, instead of accepting and allowing myself to be HERE with myself, and realize that this what I am here in this moment, this is what is real, this is what is of actual physical reality – and the ideals existing in my mind – that is not real – that is a idea of who and what I should be and not what and who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not walk practically, physically here in this physical world, and thus work with myself on a very simplistic, basic, physical level – working with myself as I am here in this moment, and thus not expecting of myself that I should be or experience myself as something more than what I am here – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto this perception and idea that I must behave as this self-realized human being, that exists in my mind, and that I must also experience myself as this self-realized human-being that exists within and as my mind – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am limiting myself, and creating consequences for myself when I expect myself to be and behave as something that I am not yet able to stand and live as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should be able to stand and live as the idea of myself that I’ve created in my mind, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am limiting myself, and create huge consequences for myself, when I constantly go and hold unto this dream image of who I should be – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself here – and live in a idea of who I should be – instead of seeing who I am here – and working with who I am here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that judging myself for mistakes that I’ve made is irrational, because it implies that I am holding unto a idealized version of myself in my mind that apparently shouldn’t have made the mistake that I did – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I did do that particular mistake, and that this is the reality of who I am, and that it’s nothing bad, or wrong – it’s simply the reality of who I am here – and thus I am able to take this point – work with it – and instead push myself to in practical physical reality stabilize myself and learn from my mistakes and upgrade myself in real-time application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a ideal of who I should be that I compare myself with, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when it is that I do not stand and live up to this ideal existing within and as my mind – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of all ideals, let go of all desires of who and what I should be, and instead work with who I am here – bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – to breath – to being here with myself – and realize that this is what is real – and thus this is what I must work with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my ideals of who I should be aren’t real, but are in-fact only existing in my mind, as ideas, as believes, as hopes, as experiences – and thus to compare myself towards these is simply irrational – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when and as I make a mistake, that this is nothing bad, it’s nothing to judge, it’s nothing to put blame on myself for – it’s simply is what it is – and it’s a opportunity for me to correct myself, to get to know myself better, to make my application more effective, more specific – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here to myself – and accept and allow myself to work with myself as what is here

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am judging myself, through comparing myself with an ideal in my mind of how I should be, how I should behave, how I should experience myself, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am limiting myself and creating consequences for myself, because I am trying to live up to something in my mind that isn’t real and practical – and thus I commit myself to work with myself directly here – and not exist in my mind in ideas of who I should be – but instead breath and be here with who and what I am here for real

When and as I see that I am going into judgment, and comparison – and I think that I’ve made a terrible mistake, a terrible error, because I’ve not lived up to the ideas I have of myself in my mind, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that these ideas of myself aren’t real, and only serve to create friction within me, wherein I attempt and try to live up to something, and create myself as something, that isn’t in-fact practical and real; thus I commit myself to be with myself here – to work with what is here as myself in-fact instead of judging what is here as myself

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Day 19: Test-anxiety – Competition (Part 9)

One of the reasons I experience anxiety, and fear towards not receiving a good grade on my exams is because of competition, and comparison – meaning – that I have thoughts about how I will perform, in relation to others – and within this I experience fear that I will not perform as well as others are going to perform.

competition-people1My first memories of competition in relation to school is from when I was around 10 years old – and here I remember that I was competing with one of my friends as to how got the best test score. When I got the best score I was happy, and excited – and I looked with glee at my friends score, and within that I felt like a winner. When my friend got the best score I became jealous, and I felt inferior and had thoughts of the nature such as: “I must practice more!” – “How come my friend always get’s a better score than me?!” – “Why can’t I be as good as my friend?”

Currently I am studying law – and this education is famous for being very competitive, because in essence your career possibilities are determined by what grades you receive – so I’ve seen that I’ve become very much affected by how my course-mates feel in relation to their grades, and I can see how I’ve been swept into this grade-competition cult. In the beginning when I first started this education I wasn’t that much fearful of receiving a bad grade, but the more, and more I’ve become integrated into the law-culture – I’ve become more inclined to worry, and fear about my grades.

So – here I have a cool opportunity to stand up and stand as an example of not accepting and allowing oneself to go into, and exist as competition – but to instead walk one’s education from a starting point of self-performance – where one change one’s starting point of competition – from competing with others to feel like a winner – to instead compete with oneself in challenging oneself to perform more effectively, and push through resistances, and become more dedicated, and diligent in relation to one’s studies.

Obviously – this is how competition should exist in this world – there shouldn’t be any comparative competition because really such competition is in-fact a lie – because it’s utterly impossible to compete against another as everyone as totally different capabilities, and resources at their disposal – we have all different genetic makeups, all different past’s, different up-bringing’s, and as such it’s really impossible for two people to compete – because they are never equal in all their prerequisites.

Thus – I will push to when I study – to change the competition – from ego-competition – to self-competition – as competing with oneself in challenging oneself to excel – obviously not from a emotional starting point – and not from a starting point of self-judgment – but instead like a game that I am able to play with myself – and that I am able to use to become more effective in my living, and in my various skills that I’ve taken on and decided to develop in this life.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to infest myself with competition, and to study from a starting point of competition, and feeling that I am less than others – and that I have to perform, and become better than others in order to be satisfied with myself – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to recognize the fact that competition isn’t in-fact real – when I am competing with others – because I can’t compete with others as no two people have the same prerequisites – as such I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to instead change competition to become a self-support point – wherein I accept and allow myself to compete with myself – in challenging myself to excel, and become more effective within the points that I am walking in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how comparison, and competition are in-fact lies, and illusions that are spread in this world as a virus by media, education, and parents – believing that it’s possible for two people to compare each-other – when obviously it’s not possible – and as such the entire starting point of education, and comparison – and competition in this world is flawed – and without reality-connection; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become influenced by, and take on this flawed definition, and idea of competition – and try to live it within myself, and my world – instead of seeing that it’s not reality-compatible – and that it will accordingly only create conflict within me and my life

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how jealousy, and competition are in-fact misunderstandings – as creations that have been developed from within a assumption that two points can be compared in this reality – while this is not so – as all points in this world, and reality have their own unique past’s, their own unique prerequisites – and as such the idea of competition, jealousy, and comparison – is a flawed idea that is not functional in reality – and based on reality

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into competition, jealousy, and comparison with others – and from this fuel anxiety, and fear within me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand how competition, comparison, and jealousy are concepts that are flawed – and not aligned with reality – they are in-fact illusions and mental projections; as such I commit myself to change competition – and comparison – and create this to be a supportive point for myself – that I utilize within myself – towards myself – to perfect, and move myself to become more effective in regards to the skills, and applications that I’ve taken on to develop and create within and as this lifetime

When and as I see that I am reacting towards what I perceive to be another being more effective than me – and I in that go into anxiety, and jealousy – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I can’t compare myself with another – I can look at another for inspiration – but comparing myself is not viable – because it’s not real – because I am not another – and as such I can’t compare myself with another – though I am able to utilize what I see another do effectively within me – and develop this point in me – from a starting point of self-support, wherein I recognize that I am different than another – and that I can’t expect myself to be like another – and that I as such have to work with myself – here – as what is here as me currently; as such I commit myself to work with me – and to not work, and develop myself from a starting point of comparing myself with another – but instead work, and develop myself – within and as my living – from a starting point of me considering myself – and who I am within and as myself