Tag Archives: conflict

Day 283: I Do More Than You!

Living on a farm implies taking care of stuff, and if you live on a farm that accommodates animals, taking care of stuff, implies taking care of animals. This is that situation that I am in at the moment, living on a farm with animals, and having responsibilities to tend to the animals.

However, in my situation there are some unusual variables to take into account. The animals, chickens in this case, are not legally ‘owned’ by me and another person has the more dominant, ‘ownership’ role in relation to the chickens. My responsibility to tend to the chickens was initially someone else’s idea, and the plan was that two persons were to clean the chicken coupe each weekend. These variables are important to consider, as they are an important of the reactions that have come up within me in relation to this responsibility.

So, as for the reactions, I have had thought of seeing myself as being jailed and used as a chicken caretaker, because recently, due to various reasons, I have had to clean the chicken coupe by myself, and still, I do not feel as if I am given any influence and power of the chickens as a ‘owner’ – and hence the backchat have come up: ‘I am the one doing all the work, yet I get nothing in return, people are just using me, I should not stand for this!’ – ‘I do not get anything out of this, why should I have to care for the chickens?’. Now, the emotional experience is unfairness, and resentment, and on a deeper level, it is all blame.

However, as I have walked this point, and become aware of these reactions, I have started to question this unfairness, and the concept of ‘ownership’ and ‘control’ – and why there must be an aspect of remuneration involved for something to feel as if it is ‘worth it’. As children, we were part of numerous projects, and responsibilities, yet seldom was there are sense of having to claim ownership and gain a form of reward because of our participation. It was a lot more natural to give, and receive, without thinking about who is getting more, who is gaining, who is loosing, etc.

I looked at the point today, and I realized that there are many people benefitting from the chickens that I care for. This benefit has no monetary implications for me; there are no rewards, though I can see, that what I do gives people nourishing and healthy eggs. Further, I take pressure of the actual owner of the chickens, as she does not have to give as much time and energy into caring for them. Moreover, it is actually supportive for me on a physical level to be outside, breathe some fresh air, and move my physical body around.

Hence, what I can see is that there are many positive effects flowing from my participation. And the experience I have of unfairness, well, it is just that, an experience, and it has no physical standing – because what does unfair really mean? That it feels as if everything is not equal for everyone? Why should it be exactly the same for everyone? We all have different schedules, different preferences, and different lives; hence, it is obvious that all things cannot be exactly the same for everyone.

Instead of looking at the experience of unfairness, what I should instead look at is physical, practical, cons that flow from this current setup. And here I can only see one, that I loose time. But time is something I do have, and caring for the chickens’ causes no buildup of pressure, and time constraint in my life – I have the opportunity to clean the chicken coupe without detrimental effects. And that means, that the only negative of this setup, is that it feels unfair, and as if I am being used – there is actually no real physical con.

This is a cool example of how something that feels like a big problem, in reality is no problem – and how it is easy to be fooled by the emotions of the mind when making decisions – believing that only because there is a emotion coming up, and this emotion is very intense, that it must mean that what the emotion is conveying is correct. A rule of thumb should thus be to wait with making any decisions until all emotions have been cleared – and the real, physical pros and cons of the decision have been established.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am facing a conflict within me, to place my focus on what I feel, instead of looking at the practical pros and cons of the situation, to look at what is a problem here in this physical reality, and not on what I feel is a problem in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that unfairness, and something not being just, are not acceptable reasons for deciding to not do something, because unfairness and injustice, both of these points are mental, meaning that they exist separately from this physical reality, and have no connection to what is needed, and what is best on a physical level – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain in the physical through looking at the physical pros and cons of a particular decision that I am facing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that it is unfair that I have to clean the chicken coupe even though I do not own the chickens, and I do not get to take part of all the perks of being the owner of the chickens, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in the idea/experience of ownership, and control, and make that point more relevant, and prevalent in my mind, than looking at what the actual benefits are of my participation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with and as backchat of how I feel that I am being used for the benefit of someone else, and that I am not getting to, or receiving all the perks that I see/feel someone else is, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my focus and attention on this point of unfairness, and enlarge it in my mind, to such an extent that I cannot anymore see the benefits flowing from the point, and where it is all about how I feel that it is unfair, how I feel that it is not equal, and that it is not good, and that it should be different

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be content with assisting and supporting a point in my life because I see that it is of benefit to others, and understanding that I do not need some form of leadership position, I do not need some form of special position, I do not need all the perks, what I require is that the physical pros of a point exceeds the cons, because when that is the case, it is best for all the apply myself in relation to the point, and when something is best for all, that is all the reason I need to get going

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that the solution is, to instead of thinking about, looking at whether the point is fair or not, to look at whether the point is best for all or not, because when a point is best for all, benefitting me as well as others, well, then there is no reason why I shouldn’t push myself and walk the point, and then it doesn’t matter who is in charge, who owns what, and what is where, because the point I am participating within will have a positive outflow effect unto others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is what it means to participate and live this life without ego, to be able to walk in this world and look at all points from a starting point of seeing whether it is best for all or not, and acting according to that, hence, not looking at points from within the question: ‘Does this serve me?’ – or – ‘Is this fair/just?’ – rather from the question: ‘Does this point support life’? – and if it does – there is sufficient reason to walk the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this not see, realize and understand, that when unfairness comes up within me, it is an indication that I have not yet established clearly my starting point, and that I have not yet looked at, considered whether the point that is before me is best for all, and whether there is as such a benefit in my walking/taking the point on – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not broaden my view, and way of looking at my life, and the points I participate within, to ask myself, is this best for all, does this support life, and is this supportive for me? And on the basis of the answer I receive on this question – ACT and move myself

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am reacting in a emotion of unfairness, resentment, and feeling that something is unjust, because I have to help with something, or do more than another, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this unfairness exists within me because I have not yet established how I am in relation to the point that I am facing, I have not yet discerned where I stand, and thus I commit myself to ask, what the pros and cons of the point are, and if the pros outweigh the cons, to then make the decision to participate in the point, and do so unconditionally, because I see that it is best for all – and in this understand that unfairness is a limited concept not taking into account that what is best for all does not need to be fair or just

When and as I see that am reacting in a emotion of unfairness, resentment, and feeling like I have to do more than another, while it is another that gets the most out of it, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this experience is mental, that it is a concept based on a mental picture of my life, and not on the actual physical practicalities of my life, and thus I commit myself to bring myself back to what is practical, through asking myself: ‘Okay, what are the pros and cons of this point?’ – and within this look at whether the point is best for all – and in this I commit myself – to if the point is what is best for all – and I have the possibility to walk the point – to do it – and walk it unconditionally with no ego – instead understanding that I am contributing to what is best for all and within that need fairness, justice, or sameness is required

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Day 257: The Ultimate Act of Revenge

When I have been in a quarrel with someone, and I accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction, and in someway or another vest myself in the conflict, and take it personally, there is an interesting aftermath taking place within me. This aftermath will involve me having various imaginations about sabotaging myself, or my life – where the purpose of this is to make the apparently ‘bad’ (opposing agitator) person feel guilty, and as if he or she really cased me some irreparable damages.

I will take an example: Let’s say I am fighting with a colleague, and afterwards I have this bitterness come up within me, with a tinge of sadness, and self-victimization – and then the thoughts starts to run: Imagining myself crying when the colleague walks by, or imagining myself sitting on a chair, slumping and looking down as he or she pass by, hoping that my colleague will see how much of an impact their ‘bad’ behavior had on me, and that they will in turn feel really guilty and bad about themselves.

If we look at the principle behind this method of taking revenge it is the same as that of suicide. Because what is suicide? It is the ultimate statement of saying to someone that: You are to blame for how I experience myself – now deal with how you ruined my life! And what the one taking his life wants to achieve with this is to really fuck with the other person – and make them regret themselves for the rest of their lives. Hence, it is a method of competition – when you feel have lost the argument – the victimization-personality, where you sabotage yourself to get attention, is the last technique left to defeat your opposition. And I suggest that you read THIS BLOG for more context on suicide.

Looking at the practical mathematics behind this pattern it doesn’t make any sense at all. First of all, we only ever punish ourselves, really, because who will have to stand through, and experience the consequences of our so-called revenge? We do. And will this revenge of ours actually lead to anything of benefit for us, or the other? No, it won’t – it will only serve to fuck up our life and then probably the life of the other as well. Hence it is a completely useless way of approaching conflicts.

What I see as being a solution is to instead of wanting to get back, and take revenge on another for a conflict, or moment that according to our perspective didn’t go very well, is to UNDERSTAND how the conflict was created – and here – most importantly – how WE (ME) contributed in creating the conflict. Because isn’t that what we are trying to avoid with our victimization spectacle? It is all about aversion, and making us innocent and the other person a monster – but the TRUTH is that it always takes two to tango.

So, what is the solution? To embrace our role as co-creators and realize that when we end up in a conflict, when get the lemons of life, most likely, we had something to do with it, and most likely, there is something we can change about ourselves, so that we become more effective in our daily application, and do not create this particular type of event for ourselves again. Hence – the solution is – SELF-RESPONSIBILITY – that is the way to real self-empowerment and actually deciding upon a direction that will have an impact and make a difference in this world – a direction that is best for all.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fighting, struggling, and trying to get out on top is a valid way of proceeding in a conflict, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the conflict, and think that it forces me to push out, and be heard, and noticed, and that I am forced to utilize emotional tactics to get the other person down on the ground so that I can feel that I won the conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize the self-sabotage-tactic to gain interest from my opponent, and try to make them feel guilty, and hence, going the back route in trying to establish myself as a winner – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is not a solution – how it doesn’t help me to feel like I am winner, when what I am fact doing is that I am sabotaging my life, and myself, and then on top of that, keeping the conflict going, not finding a middle ground, and way to resolve the conflict in a way that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize self-sabotage tactics in trying to get my opponent to bend to my will, and go into a state of feeling like a loser, and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with winning, to become obsessed with wanting to be the best, and come out on top, instead of placing my focus on understanding how the conflict came about, so that I can learn from it till next time, and so that I don’t have continue to exist in a state of conflict, and create more conflicts in the future, but so that I can instead create a common ground, a win, win situation that is best for all, and where it’s not about small petty things, such as who won, and who didn’t win, and who should win, and who did what, and who didn’t do what

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for creating the conflict, and then using this blame as an excuse for me to go into self-sabotage-mode, where I through using self-sabotage try to come out as a winner in the conflict – instead of understanding how the conflict was created, and within this also understanding, and practicing how I can learn to direct the conflict more effectively if I stand in a similar situation in the future – thus pushing, and commit myself to take full responsibility

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into blame, and self-sabotage mode after a conflict, or already when I am in a conflict, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that when I go into these experiences, and these moods, I won’t be able to create anything of value or worth for myself – all that will come out of me going into these experiences is that I am going to feel sad, try to get back at another, and then repeat the entire thing because I won’t have learned anything; and thus I commit myself to instead use this moment to reflect on the best way to direct the conflict – to look at HOW I created the conflict and what I can change about myself to prevent such a moment form occurring in the future

When and as I see myself going into blame, and self-victimization, because of a conflict, thinking that another made me feel bad, and sad, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this experience, that my experience in all of this, it will not assist and support me to actually do something with myself, and make the best of the situation, and come out, learning something; thus I commit myself to STOP – and to bring myself back HERE – and to come out of my closet and push myself to LEARN – to UNDERSTAND – to be humble and NOT take the conflict personally – because I realize that when I do – I don’t see what is common sense in clarity

Day 253: Haunted By My Expectations

Have you ever felt haunted by your own expectations? For me this has been a recurring point in my life for some time, and the pattern basically goes like this. I will create an expectation about how something should, or is going to play out, and then I will begin to stress that the pattern will not play out, or happen the way I wanted it to.

It is a fascinating process to observe, how I in my mind create an idea of what is a good result, and what is a bad result, and the my emotional experience starts turning around trying to avoid the bad result, and get to the good result. A great example of how this pattern comes into play can be found in who I am in relation to my hobbies. Now just recently, I came up with an idea to learn some programming as a side thing, and the purpose within it was so that I could learn to create better websites, which is something that I enjoy to do as a pastime.

Instead of allowing myself to approach this decision unconditionally, and learn some programming, because I am intrigued and fascinated by it, I created some expectations, a particular result that I desired to achieve through learning how to program. And here, the result in my mind, was that I should be able to do awesome websites, and learn to write programming code fluently. And after this thought had arisen within me, a excitement came up within me, and I pictured myself being able to develop and hone this skill into perfection, so that I one day could look back and tell myself, my god, look at how much I learned!

Thus, it is not only the expectations I am haunted by, I am also haunted by a flawed idea of value, were I evaluate my actions on the basis of money/career/result. For example, some days ago I was outside rooting out weeds. When I was in the middle of it I stopped up, and wondered what this project was actually leading towards. Why was I standing here rooting out weeds when there are much more pressing issues to tend to in this world. I thought to myself that I should not be standing here, no, I should instead be out in the world making money on some job, or doing something worthwhile, that have a positive effect on the lives of others. What I can see here is thus that I judged what I was doing, and compared it to an idea of what it means to be valuable, and do great things – and through participating in this pattern within me creating an inner conflict.

What I want to be able to for myself is dedicate myself to a point in my life, for just a moment, without being obsessed with the results, without being focused on the results, and without being focused on what I am going to get out of it. Because, the moment I do view things from this starting point, where I look at whether it is right, whether I will get something out of it, and whether I will achieve a result that is worthwhile, I destroy the innocence of the moment. I limit myself from doing things, because the moment I cannot foresee a positive result – I will question whether or whether not I should continue with the point – and many times I will not.

Thus, as a correction for myself, I will practice doing things without aiming to achieve or create a particular result – thus instead place my attention on what I am doing HERE – the PROCESS of creation that I am walking through, and not the end-point that I hope to reach somewhere out there.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel haunted by my own expectations, and every time I do something, to define it within myself, and try to fit it into my life, in wanting to have a particular result and outcome with what I am doing, and wanting to reach a particular position, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that not only the result is important, but also who I am in the process of creating and building that result – and thus it’s important to remember that life is lived in moments of breath, in moments of creating myself here, where there is no result to achieve per say – but instead a moment opening up here where I have the opportunity to express myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the result-driven mind-set makes me forget to stop up, to take a breath and smell the roses – to realize that life is not a set of hurdles that I must push through as fast as possible – but rather life is a point of continuous creation – where I create in every moment of breath – and thus life is not a result-based manifestation but something that I build in every moment – and within this I see, realize and understand how it’s pointless to chase results, and believe that the experience of myself will change upon reaching these results, because in-fact – everywhere is all time HERE – HERE is everywhere

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that regardless of where I am in life, in what position, in what state, in what times I am here – and this doesn’t ever change – and thus the idea of life as being this linear experience that moves from point A to point B isn’t real – because rather life is a constant expression of myself here – where I walk into different timelines – yet that point of WHO I AM doesn’t ever change – because in every moment I am able to access silence of myself that exists within myself when I stop participating in my mind and instead center myself within and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that some things that I participate within here, they don’t have this grand and eloquent purpose, they don’t end up in a productive result, and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that life isn’t supposed to be fit into this economic dogma of time and productivity, and thus I see, realize and understand that life is instead mean to be lived moment to moment, and breath to breath, where no emphasis is placed either on the future, or the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that regardless of how productive, or result driven I am, it will not change the point, that if I don’t learn how to live here, and be at peace with things moving slowly, become comfortable with things not working out as I imagined they would, I am going to live out the rest of my life in a state of stress, and anxiety, and there will always be this feeling of urgency to move forward, because I believe that I am not meeting my production quota, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is no production quota, that this only exists in my mind, and that I am creating this idea, and being impulsed with this idea through the current economic system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am limiting myself when I accept and allow myself to move myself throughout my life in this state of a production-rush – because I will miss things that I in my mind view to be less important – such as caring for my body – such as making proper and nourishing food – such as taking some time off for me to enjoy myself – such as caring for my environment; and thus I see, realize and understand that in order for me to be effective in life I require a balance between things

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself rushing to get things done, to have time to do my so-called important things, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that my view, and understanding on what is important is based on the particular results I achieve, and valued according to a monetary basis – and thus I commit myself to instead stop the rush – and do what is here as a part of me – thus honoring myself through giving myself in that moment to care for my environment, and to walk the particular moment that has opened up and is here fully

When and as I see that I am experiencing a inner conflict within me, because I perceive that I what I am doing isn’t going anywhere, or leading to someplace, or having the results I intended, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that it doesn’t make sense to evaluate what I am doing according to results, because some points can’t be measured as a result, as they happen and have their complete value in the moment – and thus I commit myself to see that there is value here in every moment and that it’s about me living and being aware of this value here – and thus I commit myself to live this through practicing slowing down – breathing slower – walking slower – and regardless of what I am doing – do it in the slowness of and as my human physical body – and thus not stress – and force the point forward – but to walk it in the pace of breath

Day 226: Hold The Door Mr!

I was visiting the library today in order to continue working with my thesis – and the point that I wish to write about today played out in the short instance of me walking through the doors of the library.

So, what happened as I walked through the doors, was that I could in the peripheral of my line of sight spot a women coming up from behind, she was quite far away, yet close enough for it to be practical that I hold the door for her. This was when a experience of anxiety arose within me, a conflict between two opposing forces, whereas on the one side was me not wanting to hold the door, and on the other side was me thinking that I should hold the door.

The one side within me not wanting to hold the door was fascinatingly motivated by anxiety – the anxiety of being considered overly pleasurable, and almost unnaturally amiable – and within that fearing that the woman was going to form an opinion or idea of me that I was a freakish and slightly insane human being. The other side within me, of wanting to hold the door, was equally motivated by anxiety, yet this anxiety was due to me fearing not being seen as amiable and friendly, and becoming the bull’s-eye of rage, and suppressed frustration.

Thus I was stuck between these two experiences, and as I did open and hold the door for this female, it was done only halfway, not really opening the door and holding it for her, yet not really closing the door and leaving her to open it herself – which nicely shows the inner conflict that I was experiencing in that moment.

Let’s now look at the deeper underlying points here, and as far as I see, the origin is self-worth issues – where I accept and allow my value and worth to be determined by what I perceive another is thinking about me – instead of me expressing myself unconditionally, and making the decision as to what I am going to give, share and how to act in a moment, not to elicit a particular response from another, but that I instead do it for and as myself.

As for a correction, I see that this is what I’m able to practice for myself – to when I decide to do something for another, to make sure that I do it for and as myself, because I see the common sense in the moment, because I recognize that this is something that I’d like another to do for myself as well – and NOT because of how I perceive and hope another is going to react to me doing that particular thing.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught in a polarity of fears, where I on the one hand fear being seen as not amiable and friendly, and on the other hand fear living the words amiable, and friendly, because I fear that others are going to judge me as weak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being unconditionally amiable, friendly, and considerate towards another, in fear that they are going to use this against me, and see me as a weak person – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define strength, power, and effectiveness within this world, to be that of not being amiable, but rather being stern, and brutal, and making sure that one get things the way one want them to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear unconditionally sharing the soft and gentle side of myself with others, where I do enjoy to assist and support others in the small practical details of living, such as holding the door for another, or helping another through assisting and supporting them with some practical physical responsibility – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as this dichotomy of fears, as the fear of being seen as weak, and also the fear of coming on to strong, and being disliked by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the problem that lies as a foundation, and a undercurrent within this particular design, is that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live, and express myself unconditionally, and to give to another as I’d like to receive without worrying, fearing, and thinking about how another is going to respond to my expression – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice this point of supporting others in the small, living the word care, and consideration, unconditionally – not expecting anything in return – and not fearing what sort of response my expression will elicit in another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a ideal of the strong and self-reliable man, as this secretive, and stone-faced muscularly built alpha-male, that moves others out of his way, because he’s apparently so strong, important, and powerful in comparison with others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is in-fact a very limited view, and definition of what it means to be strong, and what it means to be powerful – that these words are not lived to their fullest unless I take others into consideration, because isn’t power and strength being able to consider someone else before myself? To give to another as I’d like to receive, and unconditionally in a moment, letting go of my self-interest to look at what would assist and support another, and then giving that point to them?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be caught within a dichotomy of wanting to portray myself as strong, self-reliable, and rugged man, while at the same time wanting to make sure that I am likable, amiable and friendly, and that others see me as a pleasant, nice, and comfortable person that they’d like to be with – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is a problem I’ve created for myself – because I’ve missed the point of ME – SELF – as not trying to portray or reach anything but rather expressing myself here and being natural – simply being myself – and not trying to become anything other than that – realizing that I am complete here within and as my human physical body – as I move myself within and as breath – within and as human physical body – and that I thus don’t need to play the part of anything else or other but me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when there is an opportunity to assist and support another in small practical detail in my physical world, to then go for it unconditionally, to give another that point, not because I want to be seen as amiable and friendly, not because I want to get anything from another, but rather because I do it, because it’s something that I’d like another to do for me if I where in their position – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice living care and consideration for others practically – and realize that living these words is done within the small apparently insignificant moments of meeting and interacting with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if I’m clear on why I do something, there is absolutely no reason to fear how another might, or mightn’t judge it, because I know who I am, I know where I’m coming from, I know where I’m going, and thus there is nothing to be afraid off – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live this certainty within and as myself – in for example the physical event of holding the door for another – to make a decision within myself and then live it – and knowing that I live and walk this decision as a unconditional assistance and support that I give to another and not for me to achieve any sense and experience of superiority, or being liked, seen as amiable or friendly

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a state of inner conflict between being nice towards another, or playing it cold, and presenting myself as a stern and rugged man, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that neither of these presentations are real, that neither of these experiences are valid, because they’re based on me looking at being stimulated by another, instead of me expressing myself – and thus I commit myself to make a decision in the moment, to either assist and support another within giving myself as care or consideration, or making the assessment that such a point isn’t practical in the moment, and thus simply moving myself in stability, within and as my human physical body to continue in my set direction

I commit myself to practice giving as I’d like to receive, to change the point of me trying to present myself to be liked by another, to instead be a point of me genuinely caring for another, and considering another, and doing something for another, because it’s what I’d like to be done for myself if I was in their shoes

I commit myself to not fear being seen as weak when I give myself as care, and consideration, and within this I see, realize and understand that there is nothing weak about living care, and consideration, that it’s in-fact these kinds of expressions that have been lacking in the world, and that has caused us to end up in the place where we’re at in this moment – and thus I commit myself to break out of my man-mold – and dare myself, to foster the courage within myself, to care and consider another unconditionally and without wanting anything in return

Day 172: Looking Deeper Into Some Fear

Today I am going to look deeper into some fears that came up.

So, this week I’ve been walking the active creation process of stopping myself from projecting myself into future, as well as going into fear and anxiety in relation to the future, and start building ideas of what I should do and how I should do it in order to ‘make it’ in this world.

Though, today I fell in my application, and the consequential outflow was that I got locked into a state of anxiety, and fear for some hours – and I am now here in order to look at the process of how I created this point; take myself back HERE and re-commit myself to continue walking the point.

I will utilize the tool of the mind-construct in order to walk through this pattern.

-> I am talking with my friend
->-> He tells me that he’s got a well respected education
->->-> I start to think about my own education
->->->-> Maybe my education won’t suffice for me to have a job
->->->->-> I start to think about what I am able to do to change this
->->->->->-> I come up with a plan to study one more course
->->->->->->-> This plan creates inner conflict within me
->->->->->->->-> I am fearful that I will compromise my primary studies
->->->->->->->->-> I reel backwards and forwards thinking yay or nay

So, from this timeline it’s interesting to see that the origin point is FEAR – and then when I get to the perceived solution – which is to start another set of studies – what comes up yet again is FEAR – obviously then the real solution can’t be to study yet another subject because the actual issue at hand is not that my studies on a practical dimension aren’t effective enough for me to get a job in the future. No, rather the actual issue at hand is an issue with self-trust – and an issue with walking into the future and trusting myself to handle the future effectively.

I remember one instance in particular where I decided that I couldn’t trust myself. This was in my teenage years – I’d decided to go to a course. I’d paid for it – yet I completely forgot about it and the result was that I missed the course. When that happened I went into somewhat of a shock, and I said to myself in somewhat of a disbelief, that I will not be able to trust myself again, because I am seemingly loosing my grip on reality.

I will walk my self-forgiveness on this point now – and I will specifically focus on this memory that I’ve brought up here as well as the aspect of self-trust in relation to walking into and dealing with the future effectively and specifically.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in relation to walking out into and standing in the system, and walking through the system and establishing myself in the system, and building a life and a living for myself in the system, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a memory of myself, wherein I said to myself that “I can’t trust myself” – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to find substitutes for self-trust – and substitutes for self-reliance – such as trying to do as many educations and courses as possible – instead of realizing that this is not the solution – the solution is rather that I develop effective self-trust for myself HERE within and as my human physical body and that I stop trying to become and look for more in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto this petrification in my chest area in relation to the future, in relation to time, in relation to money, and in relation to making it in this world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with thoughts about me not making it in this world, and me playing out before my inner eye, the absolute worst case scenario, and then creating a positive mind-fuck of playing out the absolute best scenario, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up this fear – and fear letting go of this anxiety and instead of trusting myself – instead starting to rely on myself and know that regardless of what point I am going to face in this world – I will walk through it – I will get to the other side – and I will not give up and give in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto an character of I am not able to trust myself, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto this character in the context of money, career and education, and thus constantly belittle myself in my mind, and perpetually feed this fear in my mind that I will not be able to make it, and that I will not be able to stand, and that I will not be able to walk through and direct my life and living effectively, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not say – NO – this is ENOUGH – I will not base my life and my decisions on fear and self-distrust – I will instead base and will my life based upon self-trust – and I will walk my life without fear and make the best out of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not place my energy, my physical energy and life force into creating solutions that are best for all – and as such I commit myself change my starting point in life – from survival – to birthing solutions – birthing constructive practical solutions that will benefit my life and the lives of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the future in my mind, and plan ahead for several years, from a starting point of fear and securing my own survival, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is not a solution – and how this is not the way to go – but that this only makes me internalize myself in my mind even more – and doesn’t contribute to life on earth – doesn’t contribute to this existence – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit and hold myself back in my application and movement in life in the belief that I have to hold unto my own survival and fear

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into this survival character of attempting and trying to control my life in order for me to survive, and I utilize dreams, projections, and experiences of fear in order retain and feel in control of my life, I immediately stop myself, I bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and I commit myself to breathe and bring myself back into and as my human physical body – and stand up and say – NO – NOT ANYMORE – from here on I direct my life without fear and I do so from a starting point of establishing LIFE on earth as what is best for all – that is my purpose and that is my direction

Day 139: Emotion as Divergence Tactic

Today my partner confronted me about how I didn’t in a moment consider all the possible outflows of my words, and how I’ve within that had created a risk that people in my world might create assumptions, ideas, and backchat, and start to formulate their own opinions about what I had said, and in that subsequently compromise themselves in some way. The fascinating aspect of this moment was that, as my partner was speaking to me, the experience that began to grow, and take precedence over all other things was that of me feeling hurt, and criticized.

As the moment was done, and the things had been said, all I could think was that my partner somehow didn’t say this nicely enough, and that she wasn’t sufficiently gentle, and forbearing. When I got the time I thus started to apply self-forgiveness on the point, and at first I focused on the emotions – feeling hurt, feeling sad, and criticized – I continued to apply self-forgiveness, yet there was something that wasn’t right, there was a dimension I was missing – so I looked at the point again.

What I could see was fascinating, because what had happened since the instance of my partner confronting me in regards to a particular physical application of mine, was that my full attention had gone into the direction of looking at the reactions, the emotions and the thoughts that had come up in that moment. So, in effect, I had completely circumvented the point that my partner shared with me, not given that point a single thought, and instead focused everything on my experience.

I saw in that moment that this is obviously a escape mechanism, that allows me to run away from that which is relevant, and to instead focus upon that which isn’t really relevant at all, which was me feeling hurt, and sad – those emotions I could simply breathe through – yet this physical point was in-fact that which revealed to me a opportunity for practical self-change – and that point had very conveniently disappeared from the ambit of my awareness in a maelstrom of emotions.

As I became aware of this point I re-directed my self-forgiveness application to deal with the actuality of what my partner had confronted me with, and in doing this some fascinating realizations opened up – and I realized that the main point that this moment had showed me was actually how didn’t accept and allow myself to live the word consideration – in making sure that when I speak and express myself – that I put a guard before my mouth – and that I don’t speak on a whim – but that I am instead considering what I am about to say and looking at whether what I am about to say would have adverse consequences for others – and then speaking.

The main lesson learned here is thus that, emotions are not the end-point, and more often than not we actually use emotions to cover up the essential realizations that a physical consequence or moment is giving to us straight up in our faces – thus – what I must practice is to become more attuned with physical reality – and dare to immediately let go of the emotions coming up as I face a physical point, so that I can see, and deal with the reality of what is here, and thus quantify my process of physical self-change.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how emotions is not the end point, and is not that which hides the actual practical correction, and realization, but is merely the energetic compounded effect that I require to release, to then get into the specifics and the actual physical nature of a point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of focusing upon the support and assistance shared with me in a moment, to give my attention to the emotions that I experienced coming up within me, that make all and everything in that moment to be about my experience, so that I can apparently have a valid excuse as to why I do not require to look at this particular point that my partner is sharing with me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is one of defense and protection mechanisms that the mind use to make physical reality elusive, and obviously something that I allow, and play along with so that I don’t have to face myself, and deal with myself, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice, and will myself to master the skill of immediately letting go of experiences that come up within me, so that I can focus and dedicate myself to see what is here, and direct myself according to what is here, and as such quantify my process of self-change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when an emotion come up within me, it indicates that there is a problem existing within me at a deeper level, and that the emotion is not the end of it all, and in some contexts the emotion is simply a diversion mechanism for me to not face what is here, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make sure that I don’t get caught in emotions, but at all times remain clear on the point that the actual point of importance is physical self-change, and physical self-direction – actual in a moment directing myself to step up and stand up from within and as my mind and become a self-motivated human being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to give attention to what goes on in my mind upon the basis of what I experience to be relevant, what I experience to be a ‘big point’ – and what I experience as being uncomfortable, and making me uneasy, instead of accepting and allowing myself to take a look at my physical world and reality, at my physical living and application of myself, to see where in my world, and in how I live, that there is the most acute need for attention due to how a particular mind-point influence me on a physical level – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself push hard points that are merely thought and experience based, and give in, and give up on points that are physically manifested in my body as automated reactions, instead of realizing that it’s these latter points that I should give my attention to, and that are important for me to walk through and direct

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that at the end of the day, what is relevant, what is important, and what is actually influencing my life the most, are points that are manifested on a physical level, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give priority and attention to these points that actually influence me physically, that have my body change, that have my heart rate change, that have my general beingness experience of myself change, and with these smaller points such as emotions that come up sporadically, or thoughts doing the same, to simply in the moment let them go and shift myself back into and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s very specific that the mind induces and allures me to focus on thoughts, and emotions, and that which feels difficult and hard, because it effectively nullifies any attempt of mine to change physical points of behavior that are much more influential, and consequential than merely mental points that have not yet accumulated into physical response patterns, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not re-structure my priorities in regards to process, to make sure that I place the most of my times and the most of my support, and assistance, on walking through those points which are physically manifested characters and behaviors which do not support me, or others in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when another is speaking to me, and pointing something out to me, to in that moment make the decision to listen unconditionally, to realize that it might be a point that is personally about me, but that it’s just a part of me, and not the whole of me – it’s not the entirety of me that is wrong, or bad – it’s just a application of mine that hasn’t been effective – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally in that moment take a look at myself, to question myself, to question my intentions, my behaviors, my outlook, and my perspectives, to see whether or whether not what is shared is in-fact so – I mean I have nothing to loose and all to win in applying this particular practical application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I am confronted by another in regards to my behavior, to in that moment push myself to really listen, to really HEARE – to be HERE – and to accept and allow myself to unconditionally and without wanting to hold unto any idea and perception of who I am – listen to the information and allow myself to consider it and take into me without any fear – because I realize that there is really nothing to loose – and if the information happens to be ineffective and I would apply it anyway – this is something that I would be able to see and then correct at a later stage; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare myself to let go of any idea of myself – and who I am – and where I am – and accept and allow myself to humble myself – because I see, realize and understand that only through humbling myself will I be able to learn and expand and grow in my process of self-expansion and self-change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I perceive that another is being reactive, or angry in the way they are confronting me with a particular point, to use that as a reason for why I am now allowed to feel hurt, and to focus all my attention and awareness on my experience of feeling hurt, instead of see, realizing and understanding that whether another is reacting, or not reacting, it’s not relevant to my process of self-change, that I must discipline myself to make sure that at all times I remain here – and I dare to face the points that come up in my day to day life and living – to as such quantify my process so that I am able to change and birth myself as life from the physical

Self-commitments

When and as I am being confronted by another in regards to a particular points, and I notice I am reacting in feeling hurt, and sad, and criticized, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that in giving my attention, focus and awareness on the emotional experience, I am in-fact missing out on a moment of self-expansion, and self-movement, wherein I could in-fact learn something, and see a new dimension, and aspect of myself that I haven’t yet considered – and as such I commit myself to focus upon what another is saying – and to look within me and embrace the information and take it in me unconditionally – and consider it without any fear of loosing myself – because I realize that I can’t loose myself – but I can loose out on this moment of self-expansion through making it a moment dedicated to reaction instead of life as living

When and as I see that I am entirely focusing upon the emotion coming up within me in regards to a particular moment, or a point that I am looking at, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that – yes – the emotion must be dealt with and released – yet the actual point of self-expansion and self-movement will not be found in the emotion but I must go deeper and look at the very origin point of the emotion – the structure within me through which I’ve created the emotion – and as such I commit myself to through self-forgiveness, and writing – go deeper into the points I am working with – to clear the initial experience of emotion or feeling – but then push myself to go deeper into the point and look at the timeline, the thoughts, the memories, and the how of the experience, and how I can correct it in real time, and anchor self-change in the physical through practical, physical living

Day 77: Giving Me The Evil Eye

A reaction that I notice I still have difficulty in transcending, and walking through as it comes up, is the fear, and anxiety that I go into when and as I perceive that someone is angry at me.

This particular point seems to be a deeply ingrained pattern, and it must surely be remnant from my childhood, wherein I had some type of experience, in which I faced anger and then made an assessment of anger, that it’s something bad, and that I should fear it. At the moment I can’t see any specific memory, but this isn’t required, because the point is HERE, and thus I have all the information I require in order to work with it.

So, if I slow myself down, to look at the process of how I react, I can see that the actual trigger point is the voice, and the movements of another person, and that these points are usually stern, forceful, and hectic – moving fast – and that then makes me go into a automatic reaction of fear. I in-fact become suspicious of the other person, and place myself into the fear as a form of protection, believing that when I go into this fear, at least I am ready for the worst, and I am ready to “take the shit” if it would come.

Another fascinating aspect of this point, is that I experience it as if I have no choice. Through my mind I look at this automatic fear reaction as human nature and as such being something that I am not able to question, or change, because apparently it’s just “to ingrained” – though the obvious common sense here is that no baby is in-fact born with fear, or anxiety towards anger, and frustration; instead this is something that develops during the early formation of the childhood, which happens during the years of 1 to 7. So, even though I might experience this point as overwhelming, and as if I can’t change it, this is not so in-fact: and here I am also able to look at other points that I’ve walked, that have in the beginning as I decided to walk them, felt impossible, and simply to extensive – yet here I am, and I’ve already proven to myself that several of such “unchangeable” points in-facts subject to the decision to change, and that the key point in order to push such a change into reality is self-determined self-investigation, and then walking the decision until it’s done.

Why do I perceive anger to be such a scary, and bad point? Really, when looking at it there is no why – I’ve never even considered whether anger is a “dangerous” point so to speak, I’ve just accepted that “anger is dangerous” and as such it’s something that I ought to fear.

Actually, as I am writing here, I have a very distinct memory arise within me. It was during my childhood years, and it all played out with my hockey team. My team had just played a game, and one of the trainer’s son’s was dissatisfied with his performance, and he was whining, and be rebellious towards his father. Now, this father became extremely pissed off, and physically took and shook his son, and utilized and extremely loud voice in order to enforce his authority, and this was not a very cool experience at all. It looked very violent, and it created fear within me. So, within this I can see that what I fear with anger is this point of forceful brutality, this unpredictable decision to just harm, and to utilize overwhelming physical violence to get one’s way – that is what I fear with the nature of anger.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear, and anxiety when facing anger, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear unpredictability, and to fear being extensively physically harmed, and being shocked, and violently screamed at

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear physical violence, and to fear loud voices, and loud sounds, and immediately as I am faced with a situation of anger, and frustration, go into fear, and anxiety, because I experience myself as having no control, and as having no direction in the moment, because “anything can happen” – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself here, and to realize that fear, and anxiety will not help and assist me to stabilize myself, and direct the moment effectively, it will only contribute to me pacifying myself, and making decisions in self-interest, instead of common sense equality and oneness here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately as I am faced with anger, as I am faced with loud sounds, fast, and forceful movements, to go into a state of panic, and fear – wherein I feel that I am loosing control, and I am loosing my stability – and that I must escape and hide into and as this fear in order to be able to protect myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that in-fact – fear doesn’t have anything to do with loud voice, with violence, and with forceful, and brutal behavior – fear is in-fact a chemical mental reaction towards such points, and thus do not require to be a part of my reality, and a part of my experience in facing myself in such situations; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a deep breath, and realize that I am not fear – I am here – and I am the most effective when I accept and allow myself to be completely, and fully here – and direct myself in the moment without any form of mental barriers such as fear that is separating me from reality here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that immediately going into a fear reaction when facing anger, is not supporting me to walk through the moment, and direct the moment in stability here – but is instead serving the mind as generating energy, and is serving the mind as not walking solutions, but instead making my life to be about problems, and not about in-fact directing this physical reality into and as a point of solution; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a deep breath, and to face the moment of facing anger in stability here – realizing that I can’t in-fact loose myself unless I accept and allow it, and that really the point of control is an illusion, because there is no way I can in-fact control all the various outflows and consequences that exists within and as this reality at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a deep breath, and to push myself to be completely aware in walking through a moment of facing anger – aware implying that I am not accepting and allowing myself to become possessed, and controlled within and as a experience of fear, and anxiety – but that I am walking through the point here in physical equality in oneness, wherein I am in-fact seeing the other being, and seeing the physical condition of the other being, and seeing their mental state of being for what it is, and not layered within and as my own mental experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice seeing this physical reality directly, HERE – wherein I do not accept and allow myself to see what is here according to my own mental interpretations, and layer myself from reality through looking at things from a starting point of energy; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and to walk in my life, and in my reality without having, and creating any interpretations, but instead facing every moment as it is – with eyes that are not blinded with emotions and feelings – but instead with eyes that are clear, sharp, and precise in their seeing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that fear is really only showing to me that I’ve no clear understanding of what it is that I am facing, and as such I see that I’ve labeled anger as this “bad” point that must be avoided at all costs, and wherein I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to understand that actual nature of anger, the actual existence of anger, and to see, realize, and understand that most of the times, anger doesn’t lead to me being physically harmed, but that it’s instead more a experience that I find scare because the other person isn’t their usual self – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear something that in essence is harmless instead of realizing that this is not common sense – but fearing something that is harmless in-fact indicates that I’ve not give myself direction, and shown to myself what is common sense and what isn’t

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that me letting go of fear will make me vulnerable, and easy to attack, and that I might become harmed when and as I let go of fear; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that fear doesn’t in-fact protect me physically, and this is obvious because fear is in-fact a mental experience and something that holds no actual substance in this physical reality – as such it doesn’t work as a shield that I can put up before me, it’s just me going into a different state of being; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I won’t be more, or less protected in letting go of fear – I will simply be here and be able to deal with the moment without a reaction of and as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that fear is disempowering me, because when and as I accept and allow myself to go into fear, and to interpret and face anger from a starting of fear, then I am completely shutting myself down from remaining here, and seeing solutions – because obviously there are solutions here but seeing those require me to be stable, and to not take things personally, and not go into and as a state of self-interest, and “my mental experience”

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into fear, anxiety, and inferiority as I am facing a moment wherein I perceive that another is possessed with and as anger – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t require, and need to hold unto this experience, and that change is a possibility for me here – and that this change lies but a decision away; as such I commit myself to make the decision to change – and to push myself to walk through the moment in stability here – in physical self-awareness here – and to not be possessed by and through fear but to instead look for solutions – that are practical – effective and that are best for all

When and as I see that I am going into and as a state of fear, as taking what I perceive to be another’s anger, and frustration personally, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t need, and require this anger within me to be able to deal with, walk through, and effectively move myself through this particular moment – as such I commit myself to stabilize myself here – and to see reality direct here without layering a energy unto it as self-interest – but that I instead see HERE – and act HERE in seeing objectively and not making the moment to a subjective mental experience as “my experience”

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