I’ve had a cool realization today that I would like to share. It all began when I was with my mother in our shed. We where going to check out some windows, which we were then going to use in order to re-place our other one’s that are already installed on the house – because we’re going to take the already installed one’s down for a while, due to maintenance, and that is when we need the old windows to take their place.
So, we where in the shed inspecting windows and I noticed how dirty it was in the shed. There was shit everywhere – metal, bathtubs, toilets, building material – and I started to complain in my head that it was dirty; then I started to speak it.
I actually thought as I started to speak to my mother, about how I thought it was dirty in the shed, that I was being self-honest, thinking that I am revealing this mess that is here, I am showing this mess to my mother. But then I realized, after a while of speaking, in this starting point of pointing out the shit that was everywhere around me, that I wasn’t actually doing anything supportive at all. I wasn’t taking responsibility for the shit that was around me and I didn’t have it mind to do it either – I simply wanted to speak about it and point out the apparent badness of it to my mother.
I realized that I was doing this because I wanted to present myself as mature and as a know-it-all, as a grown-up, putting my mother on the spot through showing how badly she had things organized. It made me feel superior and strong and that is why I did it. So, I didn’t realize what I had done until I was actually finished with it. But as I spoke the last word I noticed how I felt funny inside, like almost ill, but not like a sickness, but as a feeling. And I realized this was because I had spoken and shared myself in a way that wasn’t supportive, that wasn’t what was best for all.
Though, this is only one of my realizations – in the moment just prior to my moment of apparent maturity, I had accepted and allowed myself to participate in a similar construct.
This time my mother was standing by the windows attempting to figure out how to solve the problem of closing the empty hole that would be created when we removed the windows for maintenance – as we’ve figured out that the old windows we first wanted to use was to small. My mother then asked me if I could possibly saw out a shape in plywood that would resemble the size of a window, so that we could push it into the to-be hole.
Here is where I then entered the construct, because I started to speak about how difficult this might be, and how it would probably fail – and I did this, firstly, without being completely certain that it would fail, secondly, without coming with any solutions myself – it was like I wanted to focus upon the negativity, and the prospect of a failure, simply in order to be able to feel mature and ‘realistic’ and have my mother perceive me as a experienced and sensible individual – for apparently knowing the limitations of construction work.
So, fascinating – two points of communication with my mother, where I instead of standing here as breath, working with solutions, and taking responsibility for my reality, instead went into negativity, as in wanting to find problems with my reality – so that I could feel superior and more mature than the people in my reality.
Quite the fuck-up. Time to stop this.