Tag Archives: control

Day 378: The Art of NOT Teasing

Teasing, something that I have grown up, and that has been a part of my family dynamics since as far back as I can remember. Unfortunately, teasing, all though at certain times it is something that can be enjoyable for both the giver and receiver, is too many times done inappropriately – at least – this has been the case with me. And I have begun to question WHO I AM within teasing and consequences of this way of expressing myself when I do it  without considering or being receptive to the responses of another.

Let me first properly define teasing, so we all know what I am talking about. These are some of the relevant dictionary definitions of the word.

  • To make fun of (someone) playfully or taunt annoyingly.
  • To say in a playful or mocking way.

Teasing becomes problematic when it is done from within and as a starting point of self-interest, then instead of being a playful moment of interaction, it becomes about enticing (manipulating) a certain response in the other person. This way of teasing tends to elicits positive feelings and experiences in the giver, a inner experience of satisfaction and pleasure, triggered by successfully being able to push the buttons of another. At that point it stops being innocent and mutually enjoyable, and instead, it becomes a matter of one individual using another for his or hers own personal gratification – and this is not acceptable.

Thus, there are two forms of teasing, the one, done from within and as a egocentric starting point where others are used as entertainment, and the other form of teasing, is done in playfulness, consideration, and respect for another. The latter form of teasing is about two or more mutually enjoying a moment of play and interaction – there is EQUALITY – something that does not exist in the former way of teasing, because there it becomes abusive and about fulfilling the needs of but one of the participants.

In my own life, I have noticed that I tend to start with a playful/supportive teasing, where both I and the other enjoy the moment. That in turn makes me even more playful and excited, and it is when I start to experience, place my focus on and live out these energies that I lose touch with REALITY and the other person. I will so to speak, take it too far – and then – without noticing or seeing how it happened – the recipient will be upset/angry/irritable – and that playful/enjoyable interaction will be lost. It is thus easy to see, that the problem and mistake that I make, is that my focus is internalized and directed towards how I experience myself energetically, and I do not keep my attention directed towards my physical reality and the interaction itself. Because, if I would have been perceptive to the other person, I would never have missed how they initially reacted/responded to my words. And the moment that I noticed, I could have made the decision to not take it any further, but to stop and ground myself – and speak/interact in a way that is mutually supportive.

Teasing, it resembles the word taser, and a taser has the specific function of transferring a massive load of energy and elicit a destructive response in the receiver – and that is very much like the destructive form of teasing – eliciting a response in another without regard or concern. Being a tease, is to lead someone on sexually, and then leave them unsatisfied, also that very much like the destructive form of teasing – where we elicit reactions in another to make us feel good – without consideration for another. Thus – it is clear that teasing is a supportive and enjoyable expression – however – it must be done in EQUALITY – it must be done from a starting point of mutual enjoyment/consideration/support/concern – if not – then it is abusive – and it will create a lot of consequences – unnecessary fights and conflicts being one of them.

Teasing, as with most other forms expressions, is not bad in itself – it is all about WHO WE ARE within it. If we are HERE, present, and together with the other person – teasing can be an awesome, enjoyable, and fun way to interact – however if we are not HERE with the other person – teasing will be a ego-driven activity which will create a lot of consequences in your relationship with another.

The SOLUTION for me: When teasing, make sure that I am here, present and together with the other person, and that I am considering, regarding and treating them as an equal.


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Day 323: Redefining the word possession

In this blog I am going to work with redefining the word possession. I have decided to work with this word because since I moved to a farm, and within that started to take care of all the various houses, machines, stables, and tools that are here, I been feeling locked/trapped by all of these responsibilities. I have experienced myself as if my possessions possess me – and that my life is solely about making sure that all of these things around me work properly and are at their utmost potential. Hence, I have seen a need to clarify my relationship to things, and to make sure that I am not possessed by what is in my world, but that I possess/own/use what is in my world. To support myself in this process or redefining possession I have listened to the Eqafe interview ‘Possessed or Possessor? – Relationship Success Support’.

How I have l lived the word possession thus far

I have lived the word possession mostly with relation emotional/feeling experiences, as in being possessed by them, however, with regards to things and material possessions, this I have not experienced as a big or problematic. Usually I have not placed sentimental value on my home, or things that I own, and it has been easy for me, to without a feeling of loss, move to a new place. However, some things have been close to my heart, for example guitars I have purchased, technical equipment, and other similar stuff that I have saved up to, and then bought after a long period of desire. Those things I have felt responsible for and connected to in a different way. And when such things have gone missing, or been damaged, it has caused me to become upset and emotional.

In terms of the word possession, I have had a negative emotional connotation to this word, and seen it as a weakness of character. Apparently, to possess, or become possessed is bad – however as I look at it now I do see that possession does not have to be defined as either good or bad – and it can instead be seen for what it is – owning/controlling/having access to a particular gods.

Dictionary definition

1 [mass noun] the state of having, owning, or controlling something.
– Law visible power or control over something, as distinct from lawful ownership; holding or occupancy as distinct from ownership.
– informal the state of possessing an illegal drug: they’re charged with possession.
– (in soccer, rugby, and other ball games) temporary control of the ball by a player or team.
2 (usu. possessions) something that is owned or possessed.
• a territory or country controlled or governed by another: France’s former colonial possessions.
3 [ mass noun ] the state of being controlled by a demon or spirit: they said prayers to protect the people inside the hall from demonic possession.
– the state of being completely dominated by an idea or emotion: fear took possession of my soul.

Etymology

mid-14c., “act or fact of possessing, a taking possession, occupation,” also “thing possessed, that which is possessed,” from Old French possession “fact of having and holding; what is possessed;” also “demonic possession,” and directly from Latin possessionem (nominative possessio), noun of action from past participle stem of possidere “to possess” (see possess). Legal property sense is earliest; demonic sense first recorded 1580s. Phrase possession is nine (or eleven) points of the law is out of a supposed 10 (or 12). With eleven from 1640s; with nine from 1690s

Sounding of the word

Post-it-session
Position
Poor-session
Posse-easePus-session
Post-station

Creative writing

Possession is a form of position. The word indicates my position in relation to something else. For example, if I possess a car, then I have a certain position in relation to that car – a position of ownership – which means that I exact a form of control over that object. However, in another sense, it is not possible for me to own anything, because all things will stay behind as I die. Further, even though I might loose everything I have, the things I have owned still exists within me, as the stories, experiences, realizations and processes that I have walked. Everything exists equally within me as without. Hence, possession takes place HERE in my immediate environment, with the things I can touch and see. Other things, that are not in my immediate environment, they are not things I possess, as I do not exact control over them.

The word possession thus, defined practically, would simply entail having a thing in my immediate presence that I exact some form of control over and can manipulate as I please; it clarifies my position in relation to something else in a moment, wherein my position is that of controlling the object.

Redefinition

Controlling an object that is in my immediate presence

Day 275: Paranoia – The Fear of Forgetting Things

forgetting-thingsParanoia when it comes to forgetting and missing things, that is a point that has been recurring for me recently. In my line of work, it is all about the details, and here I am not exaggerating – it is ALL about the details. Hence it is different from ‘normal’ life in the sense that, when in your normal day-to-day living, you do not necessarily have to be very focused, specific or thorough. You can get by in a state of half-awareness; do things sloppily, and half-assed – your life will still work out quite okay.

However, in my line of work, you cannot do that. This has thus been a big change for me. The way I have handled this is through paranoia, were I have basically utilized fear/anxiety to drive me to constantly check if I have forgotten something. This is not effective for several reasons, though primarily; it is not effective because I go into a emotional state, thus investing energy in being emotional, forgetting my physical living/application HERE. And also, existing in a state of paranoia makes me mentally unstable, were I am not effective/specific when it comes to directing my life, and making decisions – because what takes precedence is the experience – not my actual physical movement and participation HERE.

I have looked at solutions and found that to support myself to become more thorough, detailed and specific, and not miss details that must be remembered, I am able to: 1) Establish systems and routines for certain points in my work 2) Use stickers, notes and a calendar to keep track of times and what must be done at what time 3) Be FULLY HERE, AWARE and FOCUSED when I apply myself in my job, so that I am certain that I actually walked all the points required.

Another aspect of this paranoia is that it only comes up in relation to work/career. Fact is that I am not particularly good at remembering things, being specific, thorough and detailed outside of the office, however, because there is no money at stake in my leisure time, I do not care as much. Thus, this shows me that the real, underlying core fear is that of survival and money. I fear losing money, I fear not being able to survive, and that is the driving force. This is also interesting, that I require having money, and a fear of survival to drive me to develop skills such as thoroughness, being specific and detailed.

Another aspect of having fear of survival and money as my current motivation is that I do not approach my work in a supportive manner – because if would be no fear, what come through is a curiosity, and a desire to expand and learn – a desire to become more effective at what I am doing. Then there is no fear involved, instead it is a genuine interest to empower myself and become the best that I can be that drives me forward – and that is obviously a far more potent and healthy source of motivation than fear and stress. When I motivate myself because I want to improve, then there is no fear or anxiety that preoccupies me, instead I am clear, physical, stable – moving myself in every breath to become the best that I can be.

Hence, it is clear, that this paranoia, and fear is something that I can replace with a genuine drive and care to improve and expand myself – both in my work and home environment.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change my starting point in relation to work, so that instead of being fear driven, I drive myself forward from within and as the desire to improve myself, to become better and more effective, to enhance myself, and to empower myself in learning more skills and abilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not establish systems and routines to make sure that I do not forget anything when it comes to preparing myself and working through my responsibilities and commitments in relation to work and home life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that paranoia is a outflow consequence of me not being present – directive and aware – and certain in what I am doing – and that there as such is room for me to improve – so that I become thorough and specific in all and everything that I take on and walk

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that all reactions of the mind have their gifts – that there is something that I can learn and take with me to expand and empower myself – and with paranoia and this process in my work – it is that I can learn to be more specific, thorough and focused – and create these skills within me – and learn how to be prepared and certain on who I am in relation to the points in my life that I have taken responsibility for

Self-commitment statements

When and as I notice myself wanting to go into a state of fear/paranoia, that I have forgotten or missed something, I take a breath, I stop, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that these experiences cannot help me in my line of work, that I will not empower myself through giving into these experiences, and that instead, I can only empower and truly create myself through physically living, and building myself as words – and thus I commit myself to live specificity within me – through double checking the informationseeing whether I have forgotten anything – and then let it go if I reach the conclusion that no I haven’t forgotten anything

I commit myself to practice using routines and systems to make sure that I do not jump a step in my work – and that I walk all the necessary steps required in relation to my work responsibilities

I commit myself to practice being thorough and slowing myself down when working with my responsibilities – to make sure that I do not miss a step

I commit myself to have my starting point and motivation be that of me wanting to expand and improve myself and become the best that I can be in relation to my work – and thus I commit myself to stop fear and instead use my desire to improve and grow as the WHY of my movement forward

Day 172: Looking Deeper Into Some Fear

Today I am going to look deeper into some fears that came up.

So, this week I’ve been walking the active creation process of stopping myself from projecting myself into future, as well as going into fear and anxiety in relation to the future, and start building ideas of what I should do and how I should do it in order to ‘make it’ in this world.

Though, today I fell in my application, and the consequential outflow was that I got locked into a state of anxiety, and fear for some hours – and I am now here in order to look at the process of how I created this point; take myself back HERE and re-commit myself to continue walking the point.

I will utilize the tool of the mind-construct in order to walk through this pattern.

-> I am talking with my friend
->-> He tells me that he’s got a well respected education
->->-> I start to think about my own education
->->->-> Maybe my education won’t suffice for me to have a job
->->->->-> I start to think about what I am able to do to change this
->->->->->-> I come up with a plan to study one more course
->->->->->->-> This plan creates inner conflict within me
->->->->->->->-> I am fearful that I will compromise my primary studies
->->->->->->->->-> I reel backwards and forwards thinking yay or nay

So, from this timeline it’s interesting to see that the origin point is FEAR – and then when I get to the perceived solution – which is to start another set of studies – what comes up yet again is FEAR – obviously then the real solution can’t be to study yet another subject because the actual issue at hand is not that my studies on a practical dimension aren’t effective enough for me to get a job in the future. No, rather the actual issue at hand is an issue with self-trust – and an issue with walking into the future and trusting myself to handle the future effectively.

I remember one instance in particular where I decided that I couldn’t trust myself. This was in my teenage years – I’d decided to go to a course. I’d paid for it – yet I completely forgot about it and the result was that I missed the course. When that happened I went into somewhat of a shock, and I said to myself in somewhat of a disbelief, that I will not be able to trust myself again, because I am seemingly loosing my grip on reality.

I will walk my self-forgiveness on this point now – and I will specifically focus on this memory that I’ve brought up here as well as the aspect of self-trust in relation to walking into and dealing with the future effectively and specifically.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in relation to walking out into and standing in the system, and walking through the system and establishing myself in the system, and building a life and a living for myself in the system, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a memory of myself, wherein I said to myself that “I can’t trust myself” – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to find substitutes for self-trust – and substitutes for self-reliance – such as trying to do as many educations and courses as possible – instead of realizing that this is not the solution – the solution is rather that I develop effective self-trust for myself HERE within and as my human physical body and that I stop trying to become and look for more in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto this petrification in my chest area in relation to the future, in relation to time, in relation to money, and in relation to making it in this world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with thoughts about me not making it in this world, and me playing out before my inner eye, the absolute worst case scenario, and then creating a positive mind-fuck of playing out the absolute best scenario, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up this fear – and fear letting go of this anxiety and instead of trusting myself – instead starting to rely on myself and know that regardless of what point I am going to face in this world – I will walk through it – I will get to the other side – and I will not give up and give in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto an character of I am not able to trust myself, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto this character in the context of money, career and education, and thus constantly belittle myself in my mind, and perpetually feed this fear in my mind that I will not be able to make it, and that I will not be able to stand, and that I will not be able to walk through and direct my life and living effectively, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not say – NO – this is ENOUGH – I will not base my life and my decisions on fear and self-distrust – I will instead base and will my life based upon self-trust – and I will walk my life without fear and make the best out of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not place my energy, my physical energy and life force into creating solutions that are best for all – and as such I commit myself change my starting point in life – from survival – to birthing solutions – birthing constructive practical solutions that will benefit my life and the lives of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the future in my mind, and plan ahead for several years, from a starting point of fear and securing my own survival, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is not a solution – and how this is not the way to go – but that this only makes me internalize myself in my mind even more – and doesn’t contribute to life on earth – doesn’t contribute to this existence – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit and hold myself back in my application and movement in life in the belief that I have to hold unto my own survival and fear

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into this survival character of attempting and trying to control my life in order for me to survive, and I utilize dreams, projections, and experiences of fear in order retain and feel in control of my life, I immediately stop myself, I bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and I commit myself to breathe and bring myself back into and as my human physical body – and stand up and say – NO – NOT ANYMORE – from here on I direct my life without fear and I do so from a starting point of establishing LIFE on earth as what is best for all – that is my purpose and that is my direction

Day 102: Control and Wanting

To continue on yesterday’s topic, which was about me about to write my exams, and within that having an experience of nervousness. Thus, today I listened to a fascinating interview (here you can find it) about “Letting go” and how this is something we tend to, not do, because we want to have control.

It was explained that we desire to control things because in essence there is a want involved, something we desire and believe we must have in order to be content with ourselves, which is a point of stimulus, a point of response. Thus, we seek to control a point, because we want response, thus looking at this in relation to my education, I am able to see that the specific want I am looking for, the specific response, is to be recognized in the system as a effective and successful person – and this is something I want because it means I will be in the center of attention, I will have people in my world look at me, admire me, and respect me because I have that particular job or career, in essence a form of fame.

I am also able to see this in terms of the future projections that from time to time come up within me, that it’s always about me in some career path, or future, where I’ve gotten ahead, I am the best, I am the winner – I got the coolest job, the coolest clothes, the coolest hairstyle, I am that person everyone desire to be; intelligent, cool, smooth, elegant and stylish – so it’s fascinating that I am creating this tension within me as wanting to control my education for me to be able to ascertain that I will reach and get an hold of this want.

What was also mentioned in this interview, was how it’s possible to change this perspective of looking at things, to realize that what is able to be lost, is really in-fact not real to begin with – and that instead of running around fearing what might be lost, we can instead live and direct points HERE in every breath; because the point to realize is that HERE can’t be lost – we can’t loose ourselves so to speak as we are always undoubtedly HERE (more or less) and thus able to direct what is here.

It’s quite obvious thus, that I must accept and allow myself to fully and completely let go of this want, because it compromises me, as I am within holding unto this want, really placing myself in a experience and position of constant fear – constant tension – constant restlessness – and the solution is thus to embrace physical living fully and completely – to realize that I don’t need these dreams, these wants, these projections, because I am here – thus I simply direct what is here according to what is here – nothing more is really in-fact required – simplicity.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a want and desire to be stimulated and to have a particular response from others wherein I am given a value by others, I am admired by others, I am desired by others, I am wanted by others, I am respected and loved by others; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself, and compromise myself in my daily physical living, through holding unto this desire – this want; believing that I must control myself, and tightly hold unto this point within, else I will loose it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what I am able to loose is not real to begin with, thus the fact that I fear loosing having a particular response from others, proves that this is not real and that it’s merely a mind-experience that I am searching for, and desiring to have in my life, within the belief that this somehow makes me more then, and give my life some type of meaning or value; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body and unconditionally release myself from this self-compromising patterning, realizing that when I let go of want – I will in-fact expand and be able to deal with my life much more effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself through holding unto a want of wanting a response from others, as hearing them say that I’ve lived a “good life” – that I’ve “done well” – that I’ve “been effective” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a state of tightness and fear as attempting and trying to control that I have the future that I desire, as being able to manifest my wants, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that my wants are not even real – that they are not practical and physical – that are in-fact unpredictable, uncertain and temporary – as me being able to manifest them implies that I have a short burst of a positive experience and nothing more – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and to bring myself back here to and as my human physical body, and unconditionally release myself from, and let go of my anxieties, my fears, and therein also my wants and desires

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to live without wants and desires, to realize that I won’t loose myself by letting go of wants and desires – that it’s obvious that life isn’t built up around wants and desires, because these points can only exist in separation from life, in some emotional experience in my mind – in some type of quasi-reality that is only made up out of energy, that feels as if it is real, but looking at it from a physical perspective, it doesn’t in-fact exist; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to be fully and wholly physical – to be fully and wholly here in every moment – to push myself to take that breath, and the next breath, and the next breath in full awareness, not accepting and allowing myself to live out a single moment of my existence in my mind – but to instead live HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for the response in others as being seen as famous, as being seen as desirable, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my life trying and attempting to reach these experiences, to really, live my life from a starting point of hoping to manifest my self-interest, my hopes, my desires, my wishes, my dreams, instead of pushing myself to live and participate HERE in practical physical reality, wherein I am here, I make my decisions here, I look at what is practical, what is relevant, and what is common sense and live from that starting point – a practical starting point – and not a emotional starting point of looking at life from a experience perspective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason I become fearful of not making my exams, is because there is a secret want within me, a secret hope, a secret to have the life of my dreams, as the hope to be recognized, seen, valued and loved – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as this state of a constant searching, of a constant attempting and trying to control my future so that it will end up becoming what I hope it will be, instead of accepting and allowing myself to take a breath, and bring myself back here – and realize the life is HERE – reality is HERE – what is of actual value and substance is HERE and it’s waiting for me to make the decision to live and apply myself HERE; as such I commit myself to let go of my mind-based control-living – and instead trust myself that I will direct what comes up here – I will move what comes up here – I will make decisions that are effective according to what comes up here

Self-commitments

When and as I see myself go into tension and fear, as wanting to control my future, as maintaining and attempting to create a future where I manifest my wants, as having a response from others, as others recognizing me, giving me attention, look at me as being effective, and cool, and successful – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this want is limiting me, that I am limiting myself through holding unto control, and that what I am trying to hold unto and create is in-fact merely a illusion, a dream, a hope – and nothing real in-fact; as such I commit myself to let go of all hope, all want, all desire – to let go of my future – and to instead bring my future here – to create it in every moment of breath as an expression of myself – as me moving and directing myself here as the point come up

I commit myself to not want a response from others, as receiving attention and being admired – I commit myself to instead live HERE – to end the want as self-interest and realize that it’s of no worth, value or substance – it’s merely a mind-illusion as entertainment, and it has nothing real to it at all – thus I commit myself to practice and push myself to live completely physical here in every moment – and within that not have a want – but living fully and completely HERE

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Day 91: Money, My Saviour?

I’ve noticed this tendency within myself to dream about who I should be, or should experience myself somewhere out there in the future – now what I’ve seen is that this tendency to dream is always in relation to money, and the underlying energy that fuels my dreams and thoughts of the future is a anxiety and a worry.

hand-over-the-money-sirWhat I’ve realized is that I’ve separated myself from expressions such as control and power, and have defined these words in relation to money – and within this created a belief that the only way I am able to find some form of stability in this life, find my power, my direction, that is through making sure that I have got lot’s of money – that my survival is secured and I know that no matter what happens I will have enough money to survive.

The consequence of me living and participating within and as this fear is that I limit myself extensively, and instead of my decisions being self-directed and based on common sense assessments – my decisions are based in fear – they are based in worry – and they are based on starting point of looking at how I am able to survive and get my hands on the money I think I require in order to live the words stability, power and control.

I also see that I’ve defined success in relation to money as equal to success in my life – meaning: that I believe that when I get lot’s of money I will also get lot’s of life, my life will be whole, fulfilled, and complete, because I managed to attain the money I needed and required. This is also a very limited belief and the consequence is that my life will not in anyway be about living, about me walking the process of birthing myself and the rest of this world to life, no – it will be about me acquiring money without any awareness – without any consideration for what is best for all – and that is a life of limitation.

I experience fear and worry as very convincing experiences and it’s fascinating that in the moment as they come up – especially when it’s related to the future and money – I will follow it and go with it without any question, suspicion, or resistance – I will just follow it and it takes me wherever it wants to – and I see that this must stop; I do not want to spend my existence being a follower of fear and accepting and allowing fear to make decisions for me – and accept and allow worry to make decisions for me – I want to make decisions in my life and within that be unconditional – wherein there is no fear – no worry – and no anxiety that controls my direction and movement in life – because I control and direct myself.

I’ve got a long process to go before I will be able to stand in such a unwavering point of stability but this is my commitment to myself – that I will patiently walk through my relationship to fear and correct my relationship to fear so that I can walk and stand in this lifetime fearless yet cautious and aware of the fact that this reality is a reality of consequence.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine, think about, and fantasize about a bright future in relation to money, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define points such as stability, control, and power in relation to money – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order to be stable – in order to be effective – in order to move myself in this world and be complete and fulfilled and stand whole in each and every moment – I require to have lot’s of money – lot’s of material possessions – lot’s of things around me that I can call my things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become completely lost within and as fear, worry and anxiety in relation to the future – existing in a state of petrification that I will not be able to get sufficient with money in the future in order to define myself as being successful – and a “good citizen” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in the mind – as fear and worry – thinking – perceiving and believing that if I don’t hold unto this fear and make sure that I listen to this fear – then my life will become non-existent and I will not be able to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make fear my rule of law – and believe fear – follow fear – and accept and allow fear to guide me when it comes up in relation to the future – and in relation to money; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself through this fear – and to realize that fear sucks – that fear is this complete enslavement mechanism that makes me passive – that makes me ineffective – and that creates consequences in my life in that I won’t ever in-fact live but only ever follow my fear – and listen to what my fear have to say

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that in following my fear and accepting and allowing my fear to make decisions for me I am abdicating my power – I am abdicating my ability to control myself and my life – because instead of being here and directing myself I am accepting and allowing fear to be my direction – fear to be my movement forward – fear to be my guide and my teacher; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here and push and direct myself through this fear – to bring myself back here to that which is real and of actual substance and value – which is my physical direct reality here – my physical body here – that which really in-fact gives life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fool myself into believing that money gives life when really it’s the human physical body that gives life – that makes life possible – that is life – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value money more than my human physical body – to value money more than my physical direct reality here – to value money more than in-fact living and participating here in each and every moment of breath; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to make a stand within and as myself – and walk through this anxiety and fear and realize that on the other side there is nothing to fear – because my fears are not real they are based on assumptions, based on interpretations, based on ideas, and not on what is in-fact here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my fear and to blame my external physical reality as being the cause of my fear – and thinking that this fear experience I have can’t stop because it’s apparently real – it’s apparently valid – and it’s apparently a part of my human nature to experience fear – and as such and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my fear and to realize that regardless of the state of my physical reality – I create fear – I stand as the origin and cause of fear – and that accordingly I require to take responsibility for my fear – I require to stop my fear – I require to direct and move myself through my fear and not anymore accept and allow myself to be at the mercy of such a limited energy as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of fear because I believe that fear will guide me to my dreams – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept my dreams without question as apparently being real – as apparently having value – as apparently showing me a part of reality that I am able to get if I have sufficient with money; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself with and as my human physical body HERE – with and as my breath HERE – to push myself to remain HERE in every moment and to not wander off in my mind – to not accept and allow the mind to take me for a spin in my head but that I instead remain here – physical – practical – direct – effective – and that I decide who I am and not fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let fear decide who I am – and to without question accept fear to decide who I am – and how I should experience myself – and to believe that it’s actually real what I am going through and that as such there is nothing I am able to do about it – as apparently this experience of fear is simply real and thus all I am able to do is follow it – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath and bring myself back here – and stop this following pattern – wanting to become – wanting to be – wanting to be guided by this fear – and instead develop myself HERE and walk breath by breath in every moment and not accept and allow fear to be the principle by which I live and direct myself

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into fear in relation to the future, or in relation to money – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this fear is sucking the life out of me – and that it’s not even real, cohesive and actual – it’s simply a energy that comes up within me demanding my attention; as such I commit myself to breath through this energy – to breath through the imaginations of the mind – the dreams – and the hopes and to instead be HERE with and as my human physical body – with my breath – with my physical heart-beat – with that which is real – and I commit myself to live moment by moment and create my future HERE in every moment of breath – and not from within and as a starting point of fear from my mind

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Day 50: Limiting Stability With Money

An interesting reaction came up today – and yet again it was triggered in the taxi. So, what I was driving a customer – and she asked me what I studied; I said that I studied law. She then exclaimed that “those who study law does not get any jobs!” – and she continued to explain how a relative of hers had difficulty getting a job with her law-degree. In this moment I had a fear shock go up through my body – like a electrical circuit running up through my body and charging up very fast – bam!

After this happened – I noticed how my thoughts started to go into the direction of “securing survival” – and my thoughts started taking the shape of future plans – what I was going to do, how I was going to change my direction in my studies, how I could prepare myself for the worst – what might happen when I am done with my degree; so this was interesting.

StabilityIn essence – what I am able to see is that fear of survival activated and charged up through my body. What does then show me? Well it shows me how I’ve suppressed this point of fear through aligning myself with a feeling of comfort that I get through thinking that through my degree I will be able to secure a job; and when that dream/idea was ripped away from under my feet – suddenly the fear came rushing back.

Thus – it’s interesting to see that I’ve not in-fact dealt with my fear of survival – but I’ve instead suppressed it through creating beautiful dreams, and fantasies about my future – and how my future is going to be positive, comfortable, and enjoyable – because I have access to money!

This is not real stability – it’s fictional stability dependent upon money – and it’s obviously not effective to accept and allow one’s stability in oneself to be dependent upon such a unstable, and unpredictable point – I mean – I want me as stability to stand regardless of my finances, regardless of my living environment – accepting and allowing NO FEAR within me what so ever – because my stability is not defined in relation to survival – my stability is me within oneness and equality – as a living word.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as stability through being dependent upon money, and finances, and wealth to feel stable; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and think that I require and need to survive to be stable, and define stability as my ability to survive in this world; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not place stability within me as a living word – wherein my stability as myself is not dependent upon external stimuli – but that I stand stable as a living statement of myself in every moment of breath – untouchable – and unmovable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that money gives me stability, and money gives me security – and money gives me safety – instead of accepting and allowing myself to create these points within me as living words – creating security to be self-security – creating safety to be self-comfortableness – and aligning myself with these words in such a way that I am able to live them as a statement in a breath – here – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent upon money to be stable, to be self-confident, to be assertive, and to be effective in my day to day living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a feeling of security within me in relation to dreams of me completing my studies and getting a job in order to suppress within me fear of survival – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, and understand that feelings of security and safety are obviously not real – I mean the nature of this existence is unpredictability – thus it’s really not possible to in-fact be safe, and secure in the meaning that one have a stable future; because things can change in one moment; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to hide from the real nature of this reality through inflating hopes, and dreams of where my education is going to lead me – instead of dealing with, and working with reality as what is actually here in-fact – which is a reality that can’t be trusted because it’s completely unpredictable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that fear of survival is in essence fear of loosing control – and that I’ve tried to suppress this fear of loosing control through creating these illusory experiences of feeling safe, and secure – instead of realizing, and understanding it’s not possible to have full control in this world and reality – as such I mean any form of experience that is saying otherwise is a illusion; within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself dare to let go of my fear of loosing control – and as such align myself with living in every moment of breath – in every moment being HERE ready to die and give up all of my possessions and my accumulated life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that fear of survival exists only when I do not live in-fact – because if I would live in fact there would be no fear of survival because my entire existence and focus would be HERE on the point of in-fact living – and not separated into such unnecessary and unpractical experiences as fear of survival; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself with living in-fact – to live in each moment of breath in understanding that this world is in it’s very nature unpredictable – and that real living, and real life – and real experiencing – can only happen and be actual reality HERE in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to stand in the face of uncertainty, and to dare to let go of control completely – in understanding that the perfection of self-trust – is to be able to stand in every moment stable regardless of the environment – regardless of the situation – and that one in every moment of breath is fully HERE – fully directive – fully participating without separating one’s awareness and presence into experiences of fear, anxiety – and desire to have control

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I limit myself as stability, through thinking and believing that I must have money to be stable – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I create myself as stability – thus I decide what stability is and this is not up to money to decide; as such I commit myself to live stability in such a way that it’s not dependent upon any form of external stimulation such as money

When and as I see that I think, and believe that I am dependent upon money to direct myself, to be assertive, and effective within my life – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that even if I’d like for money to be a god in my world – this is not so – because in the end – I am for all practical purposes god in my own world; which means in the end I decide how to experience myself – I decide who I am; as such I commit myself to live directness, and assertiveness as a unconditional self-expression as a living word that is not based upon any form of external stimuli

When and as I see that I am using dreams, hopes, and desires in order to construct a feeling of safety within me too suppress and hide from fear of loosing control, as fear of survival; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – this reality is unpredictable thus there is in-fact no real safety or security – I mean – these points are merely mirages and can only be achieved to a certain extent – but the real point of this world is uncertainty; as such I commit myself to face the uncertainty of this world – and stop fearing the uncertainty of this world – but instead push myself to live for real in every moment – here – because that is a point I have full control, and responsibility over – WHO I AM – in this moment of breath

When and as I see that I am suppressing fear of survival through making up various dreams – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that fear of survival indicates that I am not yet fully living – because if I was fully living I wouldn’t fear – I would instead LIVE; as such I commit myself simply understand that fear of survival is a indication that I do not yet live; as such I commit myself to push myself to live – living in every moment to the fullest without any regret

When and as I see that I focus upon fear of survival instead of living – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I require to shift my awareness from fear of survival – to living fully and wholly in every moment of breath; thus I commit myself to through breathing and bringing myself back to the physical – change my awareness to be life awareness – instead of fear awareness

When and as I see that I am limiting myself through thinking, and believing that I must have some form of exterior certainty – to not be afraid, to not doubt, to not worry; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in-fact all I require is to be HERE in this moment – and that really the feeling of need in relation to certainty is because I’ve not allowed myself to be certain within my application – that I am here – that I stand – that I move and that there exists no separation within me; as such I commit myself to align myself here and live as ONE and EQUAL – to as such not make myself dependent upon another in anyway what so ever

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