I have for a while been trying to find someone that I can play and create music together with. For some reason, it is pretty difficult. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I am living in a somewhat small town and that there are simply not that many with the same interest as me.
Anyways, the reactions I have had to deal with as of lately has opened up in relation to my attempts to acquire people to play with. I was able to find one person that was seemed interested and conversed shortly about the possibility. In order to find out whether we would be a musical match I sent over a song that I had made. After that I heard nothing from them. And a couple of weeks earlier I had a similar incident occur, where the silence made its introduction in a different way. The point of the matter is that these moments of silence gets to me. I start to think there is something wrong with me and I take the silence personally – as if I have done something bad.
In the former situation I described, I thought that the song I sent over and in particular the lyrics were bad and might have caused this person to not want to play with me anymore. And this also touches on a deeper issue within me. That I tend to devalue myself and be my own worst critic – and even though I enjoy to write, compose and record my songs, I deem them as not good enough the moment I play them to others. In this devaluing motion is existent not only with music but also in relation to my professional life. I look down on myself and view myself as inferior in relation to my capabilities and skills – and that causes me to limit and hold myself back – and basically causes me to take on less than what I am able to do.
One thing that I am proud over is that I did send over the song I had made even though I was a bit anxious to do it. I was worried that they were not going to like it. I then looked at it and realized that this song, this is an example of my musical expression, and if I hide it, I will define this potential new musical relationship from within and as the starting point of hiding and suppressing myself – and that is NOT what I want out of any new relationship in my reality. Thus – I decided to go for it, send over my song, and stand with a straight back and chin up, showing what I have created in my life musically – and deep within – I do see that I am proud and satisfied with a lot of things that I have manifested. The problem occurs when I start to backchat and think about whether the expression has been good enough or whether it will be liked by others – however – it is never about that – it is about MY relationship to my creative expression and whether I express myself fully or hold myself back in some way or another.
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