Tag Archives: depressed

Day 443: First World Problems

I recently listened the following interview on Eqafe: The Hereafter and the Next Phase of Existential Process (Part 1) – Life Review – and it was a fantastic recording. It opened up a few realizations within me which I am going to discuss in this post.

Being a first world citizen, complaining about the small shit in life, like, the fact that I have to work a couple of hours each day, that I have to cook food when I get home from work, which means that I cannot pursue my hobbies to the extent that I would have liked to, or that I have to do household chores every weekend, like cleaning and tending to my house, that is being spoiled. And man, have we not become spoiled in the first world. When something goes bad, we face difficulties in our relationships, at work, or we fail somehow, what do we tend to do? We give up.

It is interesting, because we, first world citizens, without a doubt have the most opportunities. Yet, what is it that we do with our lives? Not that much really. Most of it we spend lurking about in our emotional and feeling experiences. A question we should ask ourselves is, what could we accomplish if we would stop giving so much attention to these thoughts, emotions and feelings, that move about up there in our minds, what potential is yet to be unlocked?

For example, with my work, I can see the difference so clearly. When I am lost in thoughts, when I accept and allow myself to be preoccupied with feelings and emotions, I only function on half or less what I am capable of. On the other hand, when I make sure to be HERE, to live in the physical, then I can achieve impressive results. The human physical body and our minds have so much potential that we have yet to access, because we have used most of it to fuel completely pointless and illusory experiences and images in our minds. And not only that, we have then as well, made these illusory experiences real by accepting and allowing ourselves to act according to them. And thus, when we feel depressed, we believe that is real, and we decide to act depressed – when really – we are able to make a DECISION that we are not going to accept and allow this depression to get the better of us.

One thing that I could see for myself when listening to this interview is how important it is to make it a point in my life to SHARE and GIVE – to not become lost in all of the crap that can be thought-up about what is the right, or the wrong direction, about what is good, and what is bad, but to instead use the time to do something constructively that will SUPPORT life. And it does not have to be big things. Really, life is made up out of small actions, small deeds, that accumulate and becomes a culture, a way of living, the society and life we create together. Hence, when we accept and allow ourselves to feel like shit, to throw a tantrum because of some apparent problem in our privileged first world lives, then we create and impulse that culture/way of living into the world. And, when we do that, can we expect to have any different results? Can we expect that something is going to get better?

Life on earth is only going to get better when we as individuals get better. Thus, the primary responsibility for all of us, is to make sure that we are the best that we can be. When we are the best version of ourselves, already having that point in order, we are imprinting into the world, the system, a new pattern, a new direction, a new momentum and way to live.

I am not going to waste my life by accepting and allowing thoughts, emotions and feelings, that I have not chosen, to be the guidelines of my life. And I am not going to fall into the trap of complaining and pitying myself because there are things that I have to do in life, in order to survive. Because, as a first world citizen, I have everything at my disposal. I have water, food, clothing, shelter, healthcare, access to transportation, and the possibility, to now and then, go on a vacation – AND – I have the TIME that I need to walk my process – to write – and to now and then post a blog. Under such conditions, complaining is simply not acceptable.


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Day 346: Writing Our Character

Walking the process of self-creation is not at this stage mainstream behavior. It is rather the opposite – hence self-creation – and placing time and effort into self-investigation is many times looked as a dubious, strange and unnecessary activity. And many groups that form around interests such as self-introspection and self-creation are unfortunately termed cults, and are subject to slander and public defamation. Thus, this world, and most relationships in it, does not at this stage support the PROCESS of birthing life from the physical. However, we cannot allow that to stand in our way. And thus it is important to find ways to integrate points of support for self throughout our days, where we give ourselves time to devote ourselves to our process.

Writing is a great way to solidify the process of self-creation, and if it can be done a couple of days a week, it will assist and support a lot in grounding process into one’s everyday life. Writing a blog for example, is a way of stating WHO I AM – it is a opportunity to expand and move – and to open what is going on under the surface – and specifying where more work must be put in. And because we live in a system, where most of the time such a process of expansion is not supported, it makes it very important to take time write.

When we write, we select words, we specify, describe, and paint a picture, and it is through this process of selection and placing, that we form and shape our character – the WORDS we are going to live as ourselves. If we do not write, then what is then going to shape our lives? The thoughts that arise in our minds, the backchat, emotions, and feelings, and other automatic experiences that we do not even know where they come from, that is going to be what forms our character. And the big, big problem here is that we cannot trust what comes up within ourselves as emotions and feelings. Most of the times it is complete bullshit – and it is thus no wonder that humanity is having difficulties expanding – considering that we are not taking the time to sit down, consider, reflect, and create using words that honor life.

Self-creation is all about words, it is all about making decisions as to what expressions/experiences we will accept and allow within ourselves. Thus, what I have found is that, if we are not actively expanding, refining, and moving ourselves, as our vocabulary, we will diminish, and that experience is going to come through as a sense of being down, depressed, and bored. The mistake most of us make when we reach that stage is that we blame our reality, or the people within it, thinking that it is their fault that we are not expanding. However, it is never about our external environment – it is about WHO WE ARE – and HOW we MOVE.

Usually, we find ourselves in a small world, that is defined by routines, and responsibilities. We do the same thing day out and day in, because that is how survival works. Though, that must not become an excuse for us to not create ourselves, because within walking the process of self-creation, one thing is clear, there will always be opportunities for expansion – IF – we are open and receptive to them – and IF we are on our toes – ready to JUMP at them when they appear. Being consistent with writing assists and supports with finding these opportunities.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lazy, in the sense that I wait for my life to expand, instead of me actively moving myself to expand, through finding opportunities, finding weaknesses to strengthen and strengths to make even stronger, to thus be a active part in my life and create myself utilizing the time given to me every day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for me to expand, instead of actively walking that process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be open and receptive to the opportunities that are here in my life – to not be open and receptive to the various things and processes that can be walked – where I am still accepting and allowing myself to remain in some sort of limitation – and where I am thus able to improve myself – empower myself – strengthen myself – and expand my process of self-creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that consistently writing, assists and supports me in my process of self-creation – it assists and supports me to find my weak spots – to find where I still have to improve – to find the opportunities that are and have always been HERE – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to make self-creation a priority in my life and something that I push everyday

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that to move forward in my process of self-creation, I must, myself, find the points where I am able to move forward, and thus in a way, CREATE my own processes, as I see, realize and understand, that this is what self-creation implies in its very essence – that I build and move something from scratch into and as a point of completion – thus I must make the initial schematics – and I must then place and initiate them into self-creation – and there will never be someone or something coming into my life that creates and makes this for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for my process to unfold instead of creating it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for my life to unfold – instead of creating it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait instead of creating

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself feeling limited, bored, depressed, down or contained, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand, that usually, I feel like this, because I am not actively moving myself in my reality to create myself, my process, my life, my direction, my future – and thus I see, realize and understand that this is a sign – that I require to spark things up – move myself – take on a point of creation – and thus I look within myself in that moment if there is a point of creation I can practice THEN and THERE – and then I commit myself to practice and live that point of creation that I see I am able to push and create within me

 

Day 320: The Solution to Negativity

Put on the news for a while, and then analyze the content for yourself, was it negative or positive? Then, do the same with your inner backchat, observe it for a while, and then see if it is more negative than positive. Most likely, what you will find is that there is a lot more negativity than positivity. This is nothing wrong per say, it is simply how we have set up our minds, and thus our external reality, to function. However, this way of looking at life does lead to consequences and does create limitations. Most importantly, being caught in the negative precludes an active search for SOLUTIONS and it causes us to forget our POTENTIAL and the OPPORTUNITIES that are here which can be utilized to enhance our lives.

In order to expound on this point I am going to utilize an example from my own life, where I could clearly see, that my way of approaching the situation in a state of negativity, further cemented and procreated that negativity, in the other words, a form of snowballing. I moved to a farm situated on the countryside about a year ago and I do enjoy many aspects of the rural life, though from time to time I have missed living in a more populated area. This conflict was intense as I first moved here, and I had a tendency on only focusing on what was bad with the countryside; it was far to the nearest shop, there were few career opportunities, there were no people around with interest similar to mine, and I had many more responsibilities to handle when compared to living in a small apartment. I thought to myself that I had made a big mistake.

Then, slowly, I started to open up to the countryside, and I naturally acquired new hobbies that are connected to living on a farm, such as gardening, maintenance and upkeep of machines and houses as well as learning about animals and plants. I decided to explore bees and applied for a bee-keeping course, and got to know a lot of new people living in my neighborhood, many of them interested and passionate about plants and insects. A new life started to take shape, a life that I was curious to explore and get to know, and that I actually experienced more passion and interest towards if compared with the hobbies I had while I was living in the town.

This process of growth and expansion took place naturally as I started to embrace my new living situation and push myself to interact and participate physically – HERE – instead of being in my mind thinking about what could have, or what should have been. Hence, as I embraced life HERE – I began to see the opportunities right in front of me – I began to see a future and a potential for myself on the farm – something that was here all the time but that I had not had the ability to create or walk into before as I was too much in my mind.

What I have come to realize through this process is the importance of WHO WE ARE within what we do – it is not about whether we live in a town, or on the countryside, and it is not about whether we got the we always dreamt of, or are able to pursue the hobby we always desired – it is about what we do with it – it is about HOW we approach it, how we RELATE to it, WHO we decide to be; that is what makes all the difference. The fact that I have been able to expand and embrace the countryside has nothing to do with where I live, it was because I stopped thinking about where I lived, and placed my attention on CREATING my potential. And the nice thing about our potential is that it never goes away, it is always here, within us, ready to be developed and realized and put into manifestation regardless of where we are or what we do.

What we can all learn from this is that when we feel negative, depressed or hopeless about our current situation and environment, instead of going into that experience, we can realign our focus and look at and hold within us, our POTENTIAL. To see our potential, we must come back to reality, we must let go of that murmuring backchat in the mind and embrace what is physically here, and then, when we are here, we can begin to see how we are able to create ourselves within the given circumstances in a way that is best for ourselves, and . And sure, it is important to recognize that which we are dissatisfied with, however, it is equally important to take that dissatisfaction into a physical movement, of changing and directing ourselves, and our lives, to become better. There is always a potential, a best practice, and our job is to find it, hold it, and not let it go from our sights until it is HERE as a physical manifestation. This way we are actually doing something productive with our negative state, as we utilize it is a force of creativity, to push ourselves to make the best of ourselves.


Learn more about this way of living:

Day 318: Insider or Outsider, Where Do You Want To Be?

Have you ever felt like an outsider? The word is usually used in the context of social interaction, the forming and shaping of groups, friendships, and other social structures – and it identifies the individuals that are not part of the social structure that has developed. In the dictionary, an outsider is, among other things, defined as a person who is not accepted by or who isolates themselves from society.

Looking at the emotional charge of the word, it has a definitive negative emotional connotation. Being an outsider is not something that is defined as a positive characteristic of a person, and hence, many of us, are very much fearful of excommunication, of bullying, and being pushed away from our current social setting, that is to say, from the group within which we have come to define ourselves. Existing within such a fear is a limitation, and hence it is clear that, for anyone feeling like an outsider, the solution is not to strive to become an insider, the solution is not to build your self-image, and self-value upon you being part of a group. For us to be self-reliant, self-confident, effective people with integrity to be able to stand for what we see is best for all, there cannot be any emotional dependency on a group of people.

Being an outsider is however not a solution, and what I have found in my own process of walking through and directing the ‘outsider-character’ is that it is also a mind-construct with a core point of fear. Here the fear is also that of being excommunicated and pushed out from the group, however the tactic is different. Instead of playing along with the game, and aiming to be accepted and loved by a group, the strategy is to never be part of a group to begin with, because then the fear of being rejected by a group will never materialize. It is a more cunning way of avoiding the hurtful experience of rejection, however, it is also severely limiting our potential as human beings to expand, form relationships and get to know people.

The solution is not to try and make ourselves friends with everyone, and the solution is not to become an outsider and push people away. What I have realized is that in order to transcend this polarity of either being an insider, or an outsider, we have to deal with the core issues – and that is in both cases – fear. For me, this fear has consisted out of the fear of rejection, fear of not being accepted, fear of not being liked and fear of not fitting in.

To deal with these fears, what I did was that I asked myself questions, such as the following: ‘Why do I fear rejection? Why do I fear not being accepted? Why do I fear not being liked and not fitting in?’ – and what came through here is that all of these fears relate back to me – and that I have not developed a sufficient self-standing, self-acceptance, and self-value. Because would I be able to fear rejection if I knew that regardless of what happened, I would always stand with and by myself and be fulfilled and whole in that? And would I fear not being liked or fitting in, if I would enjoy myself, and perfectly well, fit into my own life the way I see is best for all?

The answer to those questions is no – and as such we are able to learn a lot about ourselves through investigating how we feel around groups of people, how we interact, how we think and whether we decide to become an outsider or an insider. I have found that our emotional experiences is only ever a consequence of a misalignment in our relationship with ourselves, and should only be used as a guiding light to find the real underlying issues.

I have found that the most efficient way to direct these underlying issues, which are the real problem, is to LIVE WORDS. The process of living words is easy to understand and it is being thoroughly walked through at the School of Ultimate Living, which I suggest anyone interested in changing deep seated compromising habits and patterns to pay a visit to. Living Words basically means that we establish a word, with a definition, that effectively serves as a placeholder for a new expression we want to establish in our lives, and then we put that new expression into practice.

With me, I established that the word self-acceptance would assist and support me to change my experience of myself. I looked at how I could express this word in my day-to-day living – in this I saw that I regularly throughout my days – judged myself for how I interacted with people. I thought back on my interactions either defining them as ‘good’ or as ‘bad’. I defined a interaction as good when there was a flow to the conversation and a natural comfortableness between the other person and I. The interaction was defined as bad when there was a miscommunication, an emotion coming through, uncertainty coming to the surface, or some other external or internal event occurred that stopped the ‘flow’ in the moment.

Then I could see that an effective way of living self-acceptance would be to stop these assessments of myself and my social interactions with others – and to replace this assessment chatter with me accepting myself in the moment of interaction – and doing that through relaxing my body, feeling my breath, and bringing myself back HERE whenever I could see that this assessment chatter wanted to come up within me. Hence practically developing and LIVING self-acceptance – and through this process I have been able to change my experience of myself when it comes to groups – where I am not anymore as afraid of what people might think of me, and how well I fit in, or whether I am liked or not.

Living words is a efficient way of transcending the polarity of being an insider or outsider – and it places the focus back on self. Because it is not about whether we feel apart of the group or not, it is all a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves – and hence – all of our lives can be used as a support for us to get to know ourselves more intimately and establish new patterns and expressions that are best for all.


Other blogs on this topic:

Day 577 – Do I not belong?

437. What to Do when Feeling like an Outcast?

Outsiders – day 695

461: You Don’t Have to be an Outsider – Invite Yourself In

Day 1102: Stepping out of Your Comfort Zone

Day 148- Isolating Myself from Relationship’s

The Outsider – Day 511

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Day 272: Morning Experiences – Part 1: Introduction

Observing the experience of yourself as you wake up is a effective technique to get to know ‘the real you’ – and what is actually going on within. Because usually, what comes up in the morning, are those experiences that are otherwise, throughout the day, under the surface of your more immediate, surface conscious and subconscious reactions and experiences.

For a couple of days now, I have been observing my general experience of myself as I wake up, and I have come to see that it is exactly the same experience every morning. As I wake up, and I look on the prospect of starting my day, going to work, getting up into the cold winter morning, I experience a dread, mixed with some depression, and an emotion of resignation/giving up. The though that accompanies this emotion is usually something like: “Here we go again…” – “Another day, nothing has changed, and I have to give my time, and energy to slaving away for a world system that does not care about me…” – “Wow, how did my life become like this? I used to have so much fun as a child!”

Thus, as can be seen by the nature of the backchat, it is a form of depression, hopelessness, self-victimization, and blame, as well as a longing back to the days when I was a child and I did not have to worry about anything, such as money, survival, work, etc. Hence I see, realize and understand that to direct this experience of myself in the mornings, I require to redesign myself in terms of redefining what it means to wake up in the mornings, redefining and changing what words I am to live as I wake up in the morning. Because I see, realize and understand, that it is through words that I create my reality.

In this blog I will do the self-forgiveness on these experiences, and in my next blog I am going to start finding the words that I require to redefine and live in order to recreate my experiences of myself waking up in the morning, so that my mornings can become the time of my day where I am stable, and I without any reactions get up from my bed to start my day, and direct my world.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up feeling dread, depression, and a sense of blame towards my coming day – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to this get stuck in this experience when I wake up – and start of my day with these emotions – instead of me moving myself within and as the physicalhere as breath – to get things done in my physical environment – and to within this see, realize and understand – that I do not need to feel anything about myself or my life to act – and be effective in my day-to-day living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be resentful and blame the system for me having to get up in the morning, go to work, and earn money in order to be able to survive – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize my emotional experience in the morning as a get out of jail for free card – where I can sort of say that – hey – this world – this system – look how it is making me feel – and because of this I should not have to participate in it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my mornings within and as the emotions of dread, depression, blame, and hopelessness – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up as I stand up in the morning – give up because I feel that it is all pointless – what is the meaning? And then I feel that – regardless of what I do – nothing is moving forward the way I hoped/desired that it would be – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use these emotions as an excuse for me to give up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize emotions as an excuse for me to give up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that for things to be hopeless, there must have been hope to begin with, and in this I see, realize and understand that there is really no hope – hope is in-fact a fallacy, because what hope could there be for this world? The only thing that will potentially help is real physical action – not hope – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not wake up each morning – within passion – as PUSH ON – and PASS IT ON – moving myself up from my bed – with no experience instigating that movement – and directing myself to start caring for my surroundings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this experience in the morning, it is in-fact self-interest, because it implies that I want to hold unto my personal experience of life, my personal experience of this world, and in this not care about anyone else – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is obviously a lot of people waking up in this world every morning with no chance in hell to do anything to change this current system while I have the resources and skills to impulse change – through my writings – through my participation on the web

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dedicate myself and my life to creating a world that is best for all – and see, realize and understand that this is real care for others – that in making and living this decision – I will actually free myself from petty emotional experiences, simply because they are so insignificant in comparison to actually creating something with my life that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how my morning experience indicates what I am actually, on a deep level, existing within throughout my day – a state of resentment towards the world system – where I feel that I have been fooled and trapped into this life of mine – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that when my focus becomes the emotions, my experience – what is it that takes a back seat? Well – obviously my physical world – my physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and resent the world – for what I perceive being the world being against me – the world causing me grievances – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I accept and allow myself to react emotionally to this world – to what is happening – to what most human beings are forced to go through in order to survive – I am in-fact limiting myself – I am holding myself back – and I am making myself incapable of standing for a change – because all my focus goes into my experience – my feeling of and as myself – instead of me being present HERE and seeing what is happening – and seeing how I am able to make the most of myself and each day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can only ever be really effective in this world when I am not accepting and allowing myself to be determined by emotions and feelings – I can only be really effective when and as I give up this habit of interpreting my life through emotions and feelings and thoughts – as I see, realize and understand that all of these creations are in-fact limitations – that their purpose and design is to keep me trapped in a state of self-interest –where I will only care for my experiences and not care for what is in-fact happening in my world

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into emotions of dread, hopelessness, fear, and blame as I wake up in the morning, because I dislike, and feel forced to go into this system, make money, survive, and create a career for myself, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this way of approaching life is not effective, and that I cannot stand as a real beacon of change when and as I accept and allow myself to react – because then my focus will go into experiences – and not be with me HERE – on what I am doing and what is happening in this world – and what I am able to do to create/manifest a change in this world – and thus I commit myself to refocus my attention – to realize that what is real is the physical – breath – my physical body – this physical world – and that there is in-fact no experiences being forced unto me by this world – I am creating them myself – and thus I commit myself to be stable and steadfast – stick with what is real – and move in this world without any experiences

When and as I wake up in the morning, I commit myself to stand as the word PASSION, as PUSH-ON and as PASS IT ON – and within this see, realize and understand that this day is an opportunity for me to push what is best for all – to find solutions to problems – to share myself as an example of what is best for all – and show that there are ways to deal with the situations that are occurring in this world – both on a personal, and interpersonal level

I commit myself to not except any positive experience as I wake up – and understand that I do not need a positive experience – I only need myself and my realization that I have to do something – and that I must remain stable in myself to be effective in that doing – and hence I commit myself to wake up in the stability of my physical body – and stand as the word of PASSION – the PASSION to move and direct myself – and to utilize each day to grow, expand my process of birthing myself as life from the physical – and the process of bringing through a new economic system in this world that is best for all

Day 258: Creating Movement – Part 4: Learning To Handle Resistance

In my past blogs in the Creating Movement Series I have gone into my own history with laziness, and also looked at some of the causes behind this particular mind construct. In this blog I will start to go through the practical solutions that I applied to walk through and direct laziness, and transform it into motivation, discipline and steadfastness. From my own experience, in order to change laziness, one of the most important points to get to grips with, and become comfortable with directing is resistance – because when you decide to change laziness into something more productive – you will face resistance and lots of it.

The usual and learned response to resistance is to simply back off – if we resist something it means bad news, discomfort, and pain. This is unfortunate, because as a matter of fact, any form of change is nearly always accompanied with resistance. In-fact this resistance can be seen in nature, as a natural law, when a object is in motion, and you try to stop it, and move it in another direction, you will experience that physical force fighting with you, until you stop it, and then move it in the direction that you want it. All motion has a force to it, and when we try to change it, there will be a period of discomfort – the same goes with changing laziness into motivation, self-discipline, and steadfastness.

Thus, the first point to master is resistance. And in the beginning of my process of changing laziness I experienced immense amounts of resistance the moment I stood before an opportunity to act, or I faced a responsibility that I had to tend to. There was not a single cell in my body that wanted to move forward, and with each step that I took, my body felt heavier, and heavier. It felt as if the only right thing to do was to go back to the sofa or bed, to simply not change this laziness, because the thought emerged: How can I ever push through this resistance, how can I ever become effective, and productive, when this heavy experience is following me with every step that I take?

Resistance however, even though it might feel intolerable, and create the illusion that it is impossible to go any further, will pass; it will lessen, and eventually disappear. This is due to the nature of resistance, because in essence resistance is energy – and no energy has a substance and solidity that can be compared with that of the human physical body. Thus physical self-directed movement will always come out on top of the resistance, though to reach that transcendence – you will have to walk through the moment when it feels impossible. The fascinating thing is that when you push through that experience of ‘it is impossible – I can not go on any more!’ – you will see that it is only a thought, only a illusion conjured by the mind, and that it is in-fact possible to move forward, to move ahead, even though it feels impossible.

So, when the resistance comes up, it helps a lot to have this understanding, that eventually the resistance will settle, and then you will be able to do what you set out to do without any experience hindering your progress. It is so fascinating to look back at my past, and see how much it was that I resisted: I resisted cleaning, resisted writing, resisted school, resisted reading, resisted exercise, resisted being social, etc. Today, there is none, or very slight resistance towards these things – why? Because I consistently pushed myself through the resistance, I consistently reprogrammed myself, and decided for myself that resistance is not going to hold me back – I will push through it when it comes up – and thus resistance lost its meaning and purpose – there is no room for resistance anymore because I have replaced it with words/expressions that are beneficial for myself, and others – such as motivation, self-discipline, and steadfastness.

As such – we are all able to push through resistance. Though, it does take practice, and I myself have fallen many times, given up, given in, went to bed, slept over, because I felt overpowered by the resistance. And here is another thing to remember, that it does not help to be hard on yourself when you fall, rather, stand up again, look at why the fall occurred – and move forward. Eventually you will not fall anymore, though there is a process to be walked until one is able to get to that point where the trust exists within self that each time resistance comes up – I will push through.

In my next blog I will walk through the Practical Solutions that I have found for handling and directing resistance.

Creating Movement – Part 1: Introduction
Creating Movement – Part 2: How laziness is created – external causes
Creating Movement – Part 3: How Laziness is Created – Internal Causes
Creating Movement – Part 4: Learning To Handle Resistance
Creating Movement – Part 5: Practical Solutions for Resistance
Creating Movement – Part 6: Baby Steps To Change
Creating Movement – Part 7: The Rewards

Day 179: You Hurt Me

Yesterday I had an overwhelming experience of hurt come up within me. It arose within as I was speaking with another, and was triggered as this other utilized a specific sound that I perceived as irritated as well as complaining – and the content of the words was that of how there was a point in my life that I didn’t direct sufficiently effective and that I accordingly must change.

So, what came up within me was hurt and sadness – and the reasoning and purpose of the experience was that I was now hurt, and it was this other person’s fault, and that I will use this hurt, and sadness experience to show to this other person just how hurt, and sad I’ve become, and how it’s their fault; thus – a form of manipulation.

It’s interesting that this is a game that I often played with my motherhere I used feeling hurt, and sad as weapons in order to have my mother feel guilty for something I perceived she’d done or said to me. The same pattern is playing out now, I feel hurt, and I justify this feeling as being real and then use it in order to make the other person guilty and to get what I want.

Obviously the big problem here is that I don’t control or direct this pattern at all, it just come up within me, and then the entire circus starts – thus I see that require to open up this feeling hurt and look at specifically what it consists out of – how come it is that I have such an easy time to get and feel hurt? How come I accept and allow things to get to me in such a way that I feel like I’ve been completely devastated and destroyed by another person – these are points that I must direct and not anymore accept and allow within and as myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a hurt experience be triggered when and as someone speaks to me in what I perceive to be a criticizing, harsh, complaining, and irritated tone, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I’ve been made to be inferior and less than the other person, and that I’ve now lost a part of myself, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret and define this voice and tonality in my mind as me being under attack – as me being exposed and placed to be shoot at in the middle of a field – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the voice, and the sound in itself is not what is causing this experience of feel hurt, devastated and sad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as this experience of feeling hurt, devastated and sad, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this experience is based on memories of my past, wherein I felt that my mother didn’t take me into account and treat me beneficially – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto such hurt-moments in my mind, and use them as ways to get back into that position within myself wherein I feel that I’ve been very much set aside, and that my life has not been taken into account as I’ve desired – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto hurt, sadness, and feeling unjustly treated in my mind, and continue to bring these memories up in my mind, and in my daily living, through reacting and living out this pattern of feeling hurt, and sad, and attacked – again, and again and again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately as this hurt and sadness experience arise from within me, go into blame and think that another is at fault for how I experience myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the simple fact, that obviously another is not at fault for my experience of myself, and obviously what I experience is a part of myself that I’ve not yet dealt with, and directed effectively, and thus it comes up within me because it requires attention, and direction, and it requires to be moved – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not as this experience of hurt and sadness comes up within me, to stabilize myself in my body, and to realize that thus experience is not about anyone else, and that no one has caused it, or created it within me but me – and that it’s here and have arisen within me in order for me to take responsibility for and direct the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am limiting and holding myself back in my mind through accepting and allowing myself to make this hurt experience personal, instead of realizing that it’s not personal, that it’s in-fact but energy arising within, in-fact but an experience coming up from within, and it has nothing to do with personally per se – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not as this experience comes up from within me chest region – to stabilize myself within and as my human physical body – and accept and allow myself to unconditionally let of the hurt and the sadness – realizing that it’s nothing personal – it’s nothing bad – it’s but energy arising in my chest and solar plexus area that I require and need to let go and release from within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become hurt, feel devastated and atrociously handled, when and as another utilize a voice that is harsh, sharp, and what I perceive to be, criticizing, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to immediately and without hesitation take such a voice personally, and define myself according to such a voice, and to think that I am reacting because of that voice, instead of seeing, realizing and understand that I am reacting because various experiences arise in my body, that have their origin in memories, and thus it’s nothing personal – it’s nothing about the other individual – it’s nothing that I require to make anything more than what it is – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not simply realize that I am dealing with a memory – and thus I require to be the directive principle in accepting and allowing myself to let go of and release this memory – and not anymore accept and allow myself and my life to be bound by and limited within and through this memory

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a memory from my past of my mother telling me sharply how she was dissatisfied with me, and how she felt that she couldn’t trust me, because I wasn’t behaving very well with others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto that memory, of in the moment when my mother told me this, feel hurt, devastated, and as if my mother didn’t understand me, and didn’t see the situation from my perspective, and didn’t see where I was coming from, but merely approached me, and what I’d done as being wrong, and as something that must immediately be punished and removed – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am in holding unto seeing situations from within and as this memory, limiting myself from standing up, from living and from expressing myself, and directing myself in conflict situations without taking them personally, and without making them anything more or less than what they are being conflict situations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as my mother brought up and showed me the points she weren’t satisfied with, and did this in a angry, criticizing, harsh, and ferocious tone, to immediately take it personally, and feel that I’d done something terribly wrong, and as well on top of that feel, that my mother didn’t consider me as I would like to be considered, because I felt as if she left out some essential points in regards to what had happened, and that because of this I wasn’t considered, or treated in accordance to what was right and fair, but I was instead being brutalized on the basis of conjectures that I didn’t feel were right or correct; and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep, and hold unto this memory within me, and in particular the hurt, and sadness experience from within this memory – and think that this hurt and sadness experience that came up was real – and that it was correct of me to attempt and try to defend and protect myself through going into a state of victimization – and then trying to get at my mother that way – through making my mother feel inferior, sad and less than

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I can give myself the gift of releasing this hurt, and sadness, and feeling of being devastated, and that I don’t anymore require to blame another, to hold unto feeling, and experience myself inferior, and if something utterly distasteful and repellent have done unto me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept and allow myself to let go of blame, and to realize that this hurt is me, and that this hurt in itself is nothing bad, nothing wrong, nothing to be fought, nothing to be strangled and suppressed – in-fact this hurt is here in my life in order to be understood and directed and moved – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve experienced myself as hurt in the past – in my childhood – because that was the only way I could deal with my life at that point – though now I have the tools to direct myself and stabilize myself – and instead of reacting – creating stable solutions for myself and my life – and developing common sense so that I can stand by and move through my life without being moved or reacting in emotional or feeling-based experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it was nothing personal as my mother became angry and frustrated at me, and spoke to me in a tone of voice that I perceived to be harsh, and degrading, and making me to be inferior, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this voice personally, and see it as a personal attack towards me, and as something that I’d to defend myself against, else it would swallow me, and devour me whole, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it was merely a voice tonality, merely a energy, and obviously something that my mother went into and experienced that had nothing to do with me per se, but was her own mind that played a trick on her, and because my mother didn’t have any effective tools to deal with these type of things, she went into the emotion and exerted it unto her environment, which at that stage in time happened to be me

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to not take voice tonalities that I perceive to be harsh, criticizing, and attacking, personally, and I commit myself to breathe and stabilize myself HERE within and as my human physical body – within and as breath – within and as being HERE in the physical and not somewhere lost in my mind

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that taking it personally is a decision that I make – and thus I commit myself to support myself to not take these forms of tonalities with accompanying words personally – but realize that they are about the other person and not about me – they are not an attack towards me and thus not something that I require to defend or protect myself against – and thus I commit myself to take a breath and bring myself back to and as my human physical body – and stabilize myself HERE and continue to move myself – and continue to participate in my day and not make it anything more than a tonality

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that a hurt experience is nothing more or less but a hurt experience – it’s not something that I must protect and defend myself against – it’s not something that I must suppress – it’s in-fact merely energy coming up within me that is here for me to direct and move – and thus I commit myself to move and direct these energies through applying self-forgiveness, breathing and writing, and placing in its stead directive commitment statements for how I want to live from now on

The Greatest Presen(t)ce Anyone can Give to Themselves

About a month ago I moved to a new apartment – a two-room apartment. The plan was to move in together with my partner, as alone I do not hold the financial power to maintain a two-room apartment. Due to reasons unforeseen and unplanned the agreement, relationship, ended and as such I was now in a precarious situation in relation to paying my rent – or at least it felt like that.

So, I went into fear and anxiety, as I wondered and worried how I was going to keep myself afloat and maintain my financial position, and as such all the various points that go hand in hand with ones financial security in this world.

I had to find a solution, and that I did through deciding to take in a tenant, giving up one of my two rooms to be rented out. This was also a point that caused major anxiety and worry within me – as now I had to bring a unknown human-being into my home, exposing all of my possessions and the interior of my apartment to possible theft, or destruction. Several nights I lied in my bed and experienced the anxiety and worry as the thoughts, vividly showing ‘the end of the world’, ran rampant in my mind.

Though, in terms of my experience in relation to these points, there has been a major difference comparing myself now and myself from three years ago, at the time in which I still hadn’t found Desteni. The change lies in how I handled my experiences; because eventually I managed to stop all fear, anxiety and worry too instead live here as breath – something I would never have been able to do three years ago. Back then I would have become possessed with my fear, I would have checked out my bank account several times a day, to make sure I have enough money, probably never dared to let a tenant live with me and I wouldn’t been able to sleep as a child – even though my reality was unstable and uncertain.

Because through writing out my experiences, through looking at my thoughts in self-honesty – I managed to pinpoint the insecurities that created my experience. And through self-forgiveness in combination with breath, common sense and self-corrective actions I was able to delete my disease as fear – reprogramming myself with a new starting point, one of common sense and in alignment with the mathematical nature of reality.

This is the power of the tools of Desteni; self-forgiveness, self-honesty, breath, common sense and self-corrective action – applying these tools there is no situation to hectic, intense or overwhelming one can’t face and still direct oneself within stability, silence and clarity. Because our inner reality mustn’t be a slave to our outer, our experience of ourselves can become what we want it to be – as we end our automated reactive behavior with it’s origin in external stimulation. We are able to become the stimulator of ourselves and as such, remove all the experiences and behaviors that aren’t supporting our world or us to live effectively.

Because, would it have helped me to sort out the situation in my world if I had gone into fear and remained as fear? No, I wouldn’t have been able to make clear decisions, based upon mathematics, as the certainty of accumulation, that 1 + 1 will indeed become 2. Simply common sense to see that I require to get a job, I require to rent out my room, and within these realizations having no experience of fear, anxiety or worry – instead seeing the concrete, actual, physical reality and what is necessary for me to do in order to stabilize my world.

So, I used the tools of Desteni. I stopped my fear, worry and anxiety and I came back to the physical. I slept as a child and I gave myself direction; this is the simplicity and effectiveness of breath walking, a skill and ability that everyone is able to give themselves, the greatest presen(t)ce anyone is able to receive.

If you are interested in knowing more – check out www.desteni.co.za, www.equalmoney.org, and www.desteniiprocess.com

Thanks!