Tag Archives: depression

Day 403: Why Wait?

For some time I have been dealing with an inner experience of depression/negativity/sadness when it comes to work, in the sense that I have experienced much resistance towards working, and felt is I am being limited in the routine/repetitiveness that is part of my job. To assist and support myself through this point I have been applying self-forgiveness, mostly in the car while on my way to work, and today I made a breakthrough in that I had a realization as to the nature and purpose of depression and how it limits me from creating my life.

See – I have realized that depression is in a way a secret/undercover method of giving up upon on myself and moving myself. Because the interesting thing about depression is that it feels like it is too late. However, the truth of the situation is that I am still alive, still breathing, still able to move, make decisions, utilize opportunities, and push myself to move forward. Thus – the purpose and function of depression is to make it seem as if is to late – which then serves as a easy way out to not have to go through the challenges, the ups and downs, and the difficulties of actual change.

When I saw this, I at the same time saw the solution – which is to simply give to myself HERE that which I perceive is too far away, that which I perceive is too late for me to decide upon and live. For example, in my case, one of the points I have felt and experienced myself as being too late to take on is the point of engaging more with people, getting to know them, talking with them, and pushing myself to over-all, be more social in my life. Thus the solution is to immediately take the point on. Why wait? There is no reason to wait until a ‘good opportunity’ comes by – no – rather I can push being social through engaging in the discussion on Facebook that I see, or talking and pushing myself to open up with the first colleague I meet in the kitchen in the morning.

The biggest illusion I have ever created for myself is that change will be here tomorrow. That is not so – real change will only ever be realized HERE – hence – if I am depressed because there are expressions that I am not living – then those expressions must be brought HERE – created HERE – realized HERE – in this moment – in this breath.


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Day 336: Aligning Self To Reality

What I have liked to do in my life when it comes to interests and hobbies is to commit myself a 100 percent to them. I have enjoyed making one sole point the center of my existence, pushing that one point as far as I have been able to. This way of immersing myself in interests have allowed me to develop skills and abilities fast, and reach goals that I had set for myself. I loved and still do love the process of taking on something new, a to me completely unknown technique, and then putting in the time to master point. The process of learning and expanding I find to be very rewarding and fulfilling, and it is fascinating to look back and see the progress that has happened.

However, growing up in this world, having to survive and make a living for myself, things change. It is not anymore possible for me to dedicate all of my time and energy to only one particular aspect of my world, as I have many other responsibilities and commitments that needs to be cared for daily. This is not necessarily a bad thing, it simply means that things have changed, my life is not anymore the way it was ten years, and because of that, the way I approach interests and hobbies must align as well. And this is what I would like to discuss in this blog, how we tend to limit ourselves in our self-expression through attempting and trying to re-live memories of the past instead of looking at the possibilities and state of our current life, and aligning our self-expression to the new conditions.

This is an example picked from my own life. Before I started to work, and before I moved to a big farm property, when I was still studying and living in a small tenant flat, I used to love recording music. I would sit for hours and play with sounds, record segments, and practice my instrumental parts to perfection. I experienced these moments as deeply fulfilling and enjoyable. However, as is the case with must students, my university studies got to an and, and a new chapter began in my life, where I now had to go out and find work for myself. Hence, this is what I did, which decreased the time I had available for music drastically. Then, as I have touched upon above, I moved to a big farm property, which for those that are not aware comes with a great amount of maintenance work, thus further decreasing the time I had available.

I realized that I did not anymore have the time necessary to sit down and pursue my interest for music in the same way as I had done in my past. My life had changed, yet my interest and desire to express myself within making music had not. This initially created a lot of conflict within me, and I blamed my work, where I live, and the amount of time that I had to place into ‘survival’ related points. The problem was that I could not fit in my hour long sessions the way that I had done before, and that made me feel limited, and constricted. There simply was not time for it.

At first, I believed that the solution to my problem was to move to a smaller property, and to decrease the hours I worked. I thought that if I managed to pull that off, I would have time again to do what I love. However, I could soon see that neither of those options were practical. Because fact is that I had made a decision to move to a farm property, than in terms of living space, comfortableness, and compatibility, is by far the best place I have ever lived at – and fact is that I did walk through my education and the job that I managed to get is directly related to my studies and a very good foundation for my future life – and fact is that this job is demanding and time consuming. Thus, I could see that even if I did not like it, my life had changed, and changed in such a way that it was not practical for me to redirect my focus and change the path I had started out on. I saw that it made sense to stick to my decisions and keep walking. Though, the problem still remained, I did not have time for my music.

At this point insights started to open up . I understood that I did not have a choice and that instead of attempting and trying to reinsert my past way of living into my new life – I had to restructure the way I approached things and align them into my current state of life. This is when I saw that instead of recording music for hours, I could take my guitar, sit down to sing and play some 10 to 15 minutes when I saw I had a moment to do so. Because that way of inserting music into my life did work with the conditions I was faced with – and within this I could also see, realize and understand – that what I was missing was not specifically the recording of music – it was instead my expression that I had accessed and lived while practicing music. Hence, I realized that I could bring through this expression in small bursts, when there was time for it.

This is what I mean with aligning myself to reality, instead of trying to align reality to my memories and ideas, where I try to impose and enforce a particular outcome, because I am too stuck in my mind, and not HERE – with the PHYSICAL. The solution is thus to embrace our current set of circumstances, work with what is here, be creative, and not accept and allow ourselves to believe that there is only one way to do things – because there is not!


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Day 332: Facing The Dark With A Smile

Relationships, often portrayed with positive words such as love, appreciate, protect, secure, adore, etc., however, the truth of a relationship is something different. In Sweden, my country of birth, the divorce rate is at 50-55 % in relation to the amount of people getting married, and the median marriage lasts for 10 years. From those numbers it is not a big leap to say that the portrayed image of relationships is not wholly accurate. And expressed coarsely, the image broadcasted of relationships is outright deceptive. Without a doubt, the major part of any relationship consists of conflicts, misunderstandings, compromises, emotions, competition, and all other forms of dysfunctional human behavior that we all inherit and learn as we come of age. That is not strange considering that we always bring our baggage as we enter into a new relationship, it is thus, impossible to create a lovely and peaceful paradise on this earth – UNLESS – we have created OURSELVES as that in our individual capacity.

There is though ways to deal with the ‘human element’ that we unfortunately bring with us as we enter into a new relationship. In this blog I am going discuss one important tool to use in the creation of a comfortable and supportive relationship – HUMOR – or – the ability to be CAREFREE in the face of adversity. This point opened recently for me as I have noticed a tendency that I have to take things very seriously. For example, I will have a discussion with my partner that then becomes more of a intense disagreement, where emotions arise within me. Instead of looking at the reason for the conflict, and why I reacted, and how to solve it, so that I do not need to walk through the same conflict situation again – what I have done is that I have focused on the idea that it is WRONG to have conflicts/arguments. And instead of expanding myself, approaching conflicts from this judgmental vantage point results in suppression of what is really going on within me.

Suppression is and has been the modus operandi of us human beings when it comes to dealing with difficult shit since ages back, and it is so clearly visible in our society. What is prison, punishment, and social exclusion but a suppression mechanism, where we remove the ‘bad’ and ‘unwanted’ dimensions of our communal experience and put it away, far away and hidden from our immediate sight, instead of looking at WHY, and HOW it happened, and what SOLUTION there is to deal with the problem once and for all? The technique of suppression is also readily applied in parenting. When children cry, or behave ‘badly’, we look at ways to suppress the behavior, either through rewards, such as praising, or sweets, or through punishments, and consequences, though seldom, we look at the cause and origin of the troublesome behavior – and hence we miss out on the opportunity to create a sustainable and long-term solution.

The question to ask ourselves is thus, WHY do we have such a difficult time in looking at the DARK, MALEFICENT, HORRIBLE, and UNWANTED within ourselves, our relationships, and society? From what I have already touched upon above, one of the reasons for this is because we JUDGE it, we are too uptight about it, we take it personally, react to it, believe it is something bad, and that we must just, immediately, without further consideration, put it away – far away.

Hence, getting back to relationships, what is then the solution for this way of looking at the dark within ourselves? How can we assist and support ourselves to ease up and be less serious about the shit that is going on both within and without? The way forward as I see it is HUMOR – because it has the property of taking the edge of things, to make things seem silly, and remove that big, heavy reaction of something being sooo BAD. And here, I am not saying that humor should be the end point, because obviously, we have to learn from our mistakes, reflect and look at them, in order to move forward – however – if we look at our mistakes in a state of reaction – our focus will become misplaced. Instead of unconditionally looking at ways to improve, our focal point will be on determining how bad we have been, and how we must now punish ourselves, to apparently through that, motivate ourselves to not be bad again. Though, it is not important to determine how bad, and wrong we have been, that which is of real substantial value is to find a lasting, sustainable solution for the future, so that we are able to prevent further consequences.

HUMOR sounds like YOU-MORE – because through humor we are able to get back to that CAREFREE state of looking at things unconditionally – and thus we are able to SEE more of ourselves – see the reality of things – because humor disarms, it cuts through the defenses, and it allows us to get a glimpse of what is actually going on, which then puts us in a position to implement changes.

Hence, conflicts, disagreements, and in general, shit that happens in a relationship, a way to disarm the seriousness of it all is through HUMOR – through seeing the stupid shit that we do and that it is many times totally insane – how can we fight and argue about such pointless things and believe that it is absolutely a matter of life and death to get our version of the story heard? It is insane, and that is what makes it so HILARIOUS. Humor, hence, is an important tool in the creation of a effective relationship with our partner, and ourselves.

And how to then practically apply humor in a moment? Well, let us say that we are in a situation where I am having a disagreement with my partner about whether or whether not to tidy up after myself when I have used the kitchen, where I will then go to great lengths to explain, and win my partner over, to my way of dealing with the kitchen, where apparently my way of doing things is of great practical value. Instead, I could in that moment see how ridiculous it is that I am standing here, talking about such a absolutely insignificant thing as to how to clean the kitchen, defending my way of doing things with all I got, when it really has no value or importance to me at all.

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Day 313: When Work Becomes A Lifestyle

In certain professions and career paths there exist this norm, an accepted and even idealized trait, that you should work a lot – that it is good to work a lot – that you will expand and bloom if you work a lot. It is a interesting way of looking at life and there are many examples of this in modern TV-series. Let us look at the series Suits for example. Here we have two guys, pulling long hours each day, working, hanging out with their colleagues, and on their free-time, which is sparse, they either plan what they are going to do at work later, or worry about things that have or that might go wrong at work.

I have myself managed to end up in one of these career paths where there is a majority that view work as an ideal and it has only been recently that I have started to question this way of life, and in that asking myself – why is it that I see working a lot as something to strive for? And looking deeper at this point, I have seen that it is not so much about the work in itself, instead what moves and drives me to put in long hours is a mix of fears, desires, and also, some genuine expressions of MOVEMENT and EXPANSION. There is in-fact a genuine urge to improve, to go further, to enhance,  and to reach perfection. However, there is one important point that is missed in all of this, and I assume it is something that has become programmed into us from birth, it is that I do not see that in ALL parts of my life there are opportunities to push for perfection.

Hence, why is it that I only choose to push and will myself to go further at my work and not for example, with the same fervency and passion, in my own inner process of self-change? Or in my daily living chores, such as cooking, cleaning, washing, doing my hair, cleaning myself, etc? What I have seen is that this drive does not exist the same way, because in my personal life, there is no reward, there is no MONEY at the end of the line, there is no boss approving my work, no colleague telling me that I am doing good, there is no STIMULUS that moves me to push myself. This is obviously a extensive limitation, and a misalignment that causes me to put in too much time at work, creating a unbalance between my personal life of leisure and responsibility, and my professional life of survival in the world system.

What I have seen that I want to create in my life in order to correct this point is a balance between my leisure life and my professional life – and also – to remind myself each day that my private leisure life is also VERY important  – because it is here that I am able to pursue interests and push points that are not at this stage accepted as a part of the working system. Such as for example, giving time and effort to the DIP courses that I am walking, or pushing myself to write more for myself, do more blogs, and when the time is there, do vlogs – and also to give myself time to investigate the current functioning of the system.

What I want to share with this blog is the importance of remembering ourselves, that it is not about what we do in the system, who remembers us, how much money we earn, or what legacy we leave behind – at the end of the day it is about WHO WE ARE – and that point of self-creation is not limited to working. In-fact, for us to expand, to become multifaceted, skilled and learned in all parts of living, we have to give ourselves time to do other things but working.

And due to this point opening up, I have begun to observe myself more intently those days when I remain at the office long after working hours – and I have seen that my experience in those moments is slightly charged and elevated, it has become an addiction to work past the clock, and even though I have handled all the responsibilities that are required, I still sit there and continue – because I do not feel like stopping. It is thus in these moments that I have begun to apply the correction of taking a deep breath, slowing down, and asking myself: ‘Do I really need to sit here and work past the clock today?’ – and then if I answer that question with a self-honest NO – I pack up my things and leave for the day.

And related to this, I wish to share something that I read: It was an article about an old man who was nearing his retirement, and he look at the new generations, and said it looked like we were all running a 100 meter race, running as fast as we could to create as much as possible. He said that actually, life, and work, is like a marathon, and to reach the end you have to retain a balance in your life. If you use up all your energy in the first kilometers, you are going to be too tired to finish. And that is insightful and it also the solution to career, to work, and actually, to most points in life – walk with moderation – balance – and see that if but one thing becomes our complete life – then we are going to put unnecessary pressure on ourselves. We need to have variety in our lives in order to be functional and effective. And here is then the irony, that the more balance we have, the more effective and productive we will be when we do sit down to work – because then we have a clear and rested mind and a rejuvenated and replenished body.

Day 272: Morning Experiences – Part 1: Introduction

Observing the experience of yourself as you wake up is a effective technique to get to know ‘the real you’ – and what is actually going on within. Because usually, what comes up in the morning, are those experiences that are otherwise, throughout the day, under the surface of your more immediate, surface conscious and subconscious reactions and experiences.

For a couple of days now, I have been observing my general experience of myself as I wake up, and I have come to see that it is exactly the same experience every morning. As I wake up, and I look on the prospect of starting my day, going to work, getting up into the cold winter morning, I experience a dread, mixed with some depression, and an emotion of resignation/giving up. The though that accompanies this emotion is usually something like: “Here we go again…” – “Another day, nothing has changed, and I have to give my time, and energy to slaving away for a world system that does not care about me…” – “Wow, how did my life become like this? I used to have so much fun as a child!”

Thus, as can be seen by the nature of the backchat, it is a form of depression, hopelessness, self-victimization, and blame, as well as a longing back to the days when I was a child and I did not have to worry about anything, such as money, survival, work, etc. Hence I see, realize and understand that to direct this experience of myself in the mornings, I require to redesign myself in terms of redefining what it means to wake up in the mornings, redefining and changing what words I am to live as I wake up in the morning. Because I see, realize and understand, that it is through words that I create my reality.

In this blog I will do the self-forgiveness on these experiences, and in my next blog I am going to start finding the words that I require to redefine and live in order to recreate my experiences of myself waking up in the morning, so that my mornings can become the time of my day where I am stable, and I without any reactions get up from my bed to start my day, and direct my world.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up feeling dread, depression, and a sense of blame towards my coming day – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to this get stuck in this experience when I wake up – and start of my day with these emotions – instead of me moving myself within and as the physicalhere as breath – to get things done in my physical environment – and to within this see, realize and understand – that I do not need to feel anything about myself or my life to act – and be effective in my day-to-day living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be resentful and blame the system for me having to get up in the morning, go to work, and earn money in order to be able to survive – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize my emotional experience in the morning as a get out of jail for free card – where I can sort of say that – hey – this world – this system – look how it is making me feel – and because of this I should not have to participate in it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my mornings within and as the emotions of dread, depression, blame, and hopelessness – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up as I stand up in the morning – give up because I feel that it is all pointless – what is the meaning? And then I feel that – regardless of what I do – nothing is moving forward the way I hoped/desired that it would be – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use these emotions as an excuse for me to give up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize emotions as an excuse for me to give up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that for things to be hopeless, there must have been hope to begin with, and in this I see, realize and understand that there is really no hope – hope is in-fact a fallacy, because what hope could there be for this world? The only thing that will potentially help is real physical action – not hope – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not wake up each morning – within passion – as PUSH ON – and PASS IT ON – moving myself up from my bed – with no experience instigating that movement – and directing myself to start caring for my surroundings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this experience in the morning, it is in-fact self-interest, because it implies that I want to hold unto my personal experience of life, my personal experience of this world, and in this not care about anyone else – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is obviously a lot of people waking up in this world every morning with no chance in hell to do anything to change this current system while I have the resources and skills to impulse change – through my writings – through my participation on the web

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dedicate myself and my life to creating a world that is best for all – and see, realize and understand that this is real care for others – that in making and living this decision – I will actually free myself from petty emotional experiences, simply because they are so insignificant in comparison to actually creating something with my life that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how my morning experience indicates what I am actually, on a deep level, existing within throughout my day – a state of resentment towards the world system – where I feel that I have been fooled and trapped into this life of mine – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that when my focus becomes the emotions, my experience – what is it that takes a back seat? Well – obviously my physical world – my physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and resent the world – for what I perceive being the world being against me – the world causing me grievances – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I accept and allow myself to react emotionally to this world – to what is happening – to what most human beings are forced to go through in order to survive – I am in-fact limiting myself – I am holding myself back – and I am making myself incapable of standing for a change – because all my focus goes into my experience – my feeling of and as myself – instead of me being present HERE and seeing what is happening – and seeing how I am able to make the most of myself and each day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can only ever be really effective in this world when I am not accepting and allowing myself to be determined by emotions and feelings – I can only be really effective when and as I give up this habit of interpreting my life through emotions and feelings and thoughts – as I see, realize and understand that all of these creations are in-fact limitations – that their purpose and design is to keep me trapped in a state of self-interest –where I will only care for my experiences and not care for what is in-fact happening in my world

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into emotions of dread, hopelessness, fear, and blame as I wake up in the morning, because I dislike, and feel forced to go into this system, make money, survive, and create a career for myself, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this way of approaching life is not effective, and that I cannot stand as a real beacon of change when and as I accept and allow myself to react – because then my focus will go into experiences – and not be with me HERE – on what I am doing and what is happening in this world – and what I am able to do to create/manifest a change in this world – and thus I commit myself to refocus my attention – to realize that what is real is the physical – breath – my physical body – this physical world – and that there is in-fact no experiences being forced unto me by this world – I am creating them myself – and thus I commit myself to be stable and steadfast – stick with what is real – and move in this world without any experiences

When and as I wake up in the morning, I commit myself to stand as the word PASSION, as PUSH-ON and as PASS IT ON – and within this see, realize and understand that this day is an opportunity for me to push what is best for all – to find solutions to problems – to share myself as an example of what is best for all – and show that there are ways to deal with the situations that are occurring in this world – both on a personal, and interpersonal level

I commit myself to not except any positive experience as I wake up – and understand that I do not need a positive experience – I only need myself and my realization that I have to do something – and that I must remain stable in myself to be effective in that doing – and hence I commit myself to wake up in the stability of my physical body – and stand as the word of PASSION – the PASSION to move and direct myself – and to utilize each day to grow, expand my process of birthing myself as life from the physical – and the process of bringing through a new economic system in this world that is best for all

Day 227: Fear of Losing Time

Since becoming 28 years of age I’ve started to have these thoughts, and fears come up with regards to aging, and ‘losing my life’ – ‘losing my opportunity’ – and these thoughts are often accompanied with nostalgic memories, and pictures of the past – things that I did and didn’t do – and what I could, or should have done.

What is interesting is that the consequence of me accepting and allowing these thoughts is that my outlook on the future becomes colored by fear – and due to this my plans for the future tend to be made within a sort of hastiness – a feeling of lack of time and that apparently there is so much I must get before I become old and die – and unless I do them my life will not have been lived to it’s fullest potential. This is thus the design existent within me with regards to time, aging and using my breaths here on earth – it’s currently aligned within the principle of what I WANT DO with MY LIFE to make sure that MY LIFE was cool, effective, and that as I die – I can look back and feel super-content with myself.

In walking through the design of this point, one quote by Bernard Poolman comes to mind:

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to understand that any change will go hand in hand with resistance as I have to push through the automated occupation of self that is obsessed with time till I have removed this fear driven obsession with time and what I believe is important due to the effective ways I have allowed myself to become a participant in the current system of the individual self obsessed with personal achievement.” (see blog HERE).

This quote effectively encapsulates the design I’ve opened up here – it’s the design of being obsessed with time because it’s the resource I require to live out my addiction with personal achievement – and the origin of addiction is actually the want to feel good about myself – and because in achieving things in my personal capacity – more knowledge – more experiences – more money – I feel good and my self-image is upgraded. Though obviously this is not a real self-image – it’s only a façade based on energy that will disappear the instant I die.

In a blog I read recently (check it out HERE ) the point of DEATH is expounded upon – and this perspective I found to be very assisting. In the blog the realization is shared of how futile self-interest really is, how living a life in the name of self-glorification never amounts to ANYTHING at all – and that regardless of how much knowledge we accumulate, regardless of how far we reach in our careers – DEATH will always have the last say.

Thus, this begs the question – what is REAL value, what is REAL worth, what is REAL opportunity, what does it mean to REALLY live? And how do we create our lives to be of actual consequence? And there is really just one answer to that question – giving ourselves a HIGHER PURPOSE – without a HIGHER GOAL within and through we walk our daily lives to give as we’d like to receive – from the starting point of genuinely wanting to make this world a more effective and harmonious place to live in – there is practically speaking no point in living.

It’s fascinating – that in order to LIVE LIFE we have to GIVE UP our own life and open our eyes to the bigger whole – and realize that our value in this world is measured by what we’ve given – not by what we’ve received.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with my own future, my own life, and my own personal achievements, and thus fear becoming old, and aging, in fear of losing time that I can use to further my interests, desires, hopes, and wants – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this fear is in-fact valid, and believe that this worry that comes within me with regards to losing time that I could use for purposes of feeling like an achiever, is real – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this purely ego – and that the entire design is based upon fear and being obsessed with using my time to further my self-interests

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that children do have something that adults lack, which is the ability to let go of the idea of achievement, and development, and rather embrace self here, and trust that self will walk what is required and necessary to be walked in the moment – and that there is really no lack of time, or grandiose project that must be completed within a certain time-space, in order for my life to apparently be successful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that life is HERE within and as the physical, that it exists within and as every moment of breath, that it’s not something hidden, masked and hanging in front of me like a carrot on a stick – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my time from within and as a starting point of fear – as the fear of losing my time – and losing my potential to build a particular careersfor myself, or a name for myself – to apparently within that become someone of importance, and significance in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the way I’ve approached goals, the future, my life, my daily living, has been within and as this slight undercurrent of fear, as the fear of losing my time, and spending my time on things that will not contribute to the enhancement, and creation of myself as someone that have achieved great success – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and be stuck within this starting point of only caring for myself and my own success, my own hopes, and desires – and what I plan, and want to achieve in this life, that might make my future more bright than the future of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that real value, real worth, is the process of me giving as I’d like to receive – and that the effect of my life is not something that I should measure according to much I can create for myself, but rather how much I can create for life – which implies creating for the benefit of everyone – giving for the benefit of everyone – looking at what I can do and how I can move myself each and everyday that will have a lasting and positive effect on myself and others as well – and realizing that this is real value – what I leave behind in every moment that is of actual practical support for others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how death reveals the futility of self-interest, and how there is really no meaning in living only to create my own life, my own future, my own success – because eventually I will die – and then what I’ve created will not mean anything – because I didn’t give to this earth and this reality – I didn’t contribute practically and physically to actually place into this world points that will remain here after I’m gone and that will have a lasting and effective impact – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is what is important – this is what creating real value actually means – establishing a functional solution for a world that is best for all and giving this to others as I’d like to receive

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to realize that the value of my life and living is determined by what I give – and what I live that is of benefit to everyone and not only to myself – and that thus: This obsession with time, and creating my purpose and fulfilling myself – that it’s really futile – because at the end of the day – self-interest will simply not stand the test of time – and thus I commit myself to let go of this fear of not having personal achievement – to free myself from these shackles and accept and allow myself to give my life unconditionally to create – shaping – and building life in this physical world/reality

I commit myself to give myself to life – to give myself to others – to see, realize and understand that the key to a life in peace is in-fact caring for others for real – caring for this world for real – giving my life to creating life – being genuine in actually caring for and willing myself to manifest a solution because I care for life – and I care for humanity – and I want what is best for life because life is me

I commit myself to practice caring on a physical/practical basis – through genuinely asking myself what I can give to others – that will be of genuine support and assistance – and that will strengthen their lives and make them more complete and effective as beings – to thus change my starting point in life to instead give – and look at what I can do for this world – instead of looking at what this world can do for me

Day 162: I Am Not Appreciated

Today I had a tough day, meaning that there were many reactions that came up within me, asking for me to attend to them and direct them – and because the mind is such a complex, and enormous thing, I will in this blog only take a look one of the points that came up.

To select what point I will work with, I ask myself, what of these points that came up today affected me the most on a physical level? The reason for this is because, often, the reactions that feel the most intense, and the worst, many times do not have that much of a physical impact – they merely feel bad – thus today I am going to look at the reaction that were in-fact bad in that it influenced my ability to participate in this physical reality, effectively and specifically.

What I can see is that the reaction came up within me, and changed my expression, posture, and stand, to be that of gloominess, and a slight depression – I didn’t speak as much, and my voice didn’t boom with that certainty and clarity that I have when I am stable, and silent within – though the actual reaction, and starting point of the experience, was not in itself depression or gloominess, I see that rather, the experience was a side-effect and result of a conflict experience, in which I suppressed my experience, and shoved it aside.

The experience that came up in this conflict was that of “I am not appreciated” – which triggered a emotional reaction of hurt and sadness, as well as blame towards the individual that I perceived as not appreciating me as much as I’d like.

What I can see that I require to work with is thus this point of, I am not appreciated, and I require to look at how it is that I’ve defined myself as being in need of appreciation, and what this appreciation should be like, for me experiencing myself as appreciated, and also, the pertinent question of, why I’ve not yet appreciated myself, and how am I am able to live self-appreciation, what is self-appreciation?

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another, and feel like I am a victim that is being treated unfairly, when and as I perceive that another is not appreciating me, and is not giving me the credit that I deserve, and that I feel that I am worthy of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a unappreciated individual, and hold unto blame towards my parents, and in particular my mother, feeling as if I have throughout my life, not received the appreciation that I’ve deserved, and that I’ve not been treated equally, and fairly in comparison with my siblings – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being inferior, and less than other people, and see others as givers of appreciation, and think that I am not able, nor equipped, to give myself appreciation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in blame, and sadness, and hurt, when and as I perceive that my efforts to push, and move a particular points isn’t recognized by another, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that it’s unfair, and that I am victim, because my efforts are not being seen, and not being valued in the eyes of another, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the basis of my efforts in life, and the basis of me pushing and moving points in my world, to be that of receiving appreciation and praise from others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself as a self-independent and self-motivated individual, and as such stand stable in myself when I push and move points in my world, so that I am not in need from another to give me an experience of feeling appreciated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad, hurt, and define myself as a victim, when and as I perceive that another isn’t not recognizing my efforts, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to recognize my efforts, instead of asking myself why I’ve not myself recognized my own efforts, why I’ve not myself allowed myself to see where it is that I am pushing, where it is that I am effective, and where it is that I am making a difference for myself as well as another, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not gift myself self-appreciation, and thus not anymore exist in a need and desire to get this experience and point from another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am in a conflict, and I feel that I am being criticized and judged for what I’ve done, and how have moved myself in a moment, to go into sadness, hurt, and feeling that I am a victim, and that I am unfairly robbed of me being recognized for my efforts, and for how I move myself in regards to certain points in my world – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive for, desire, and want to be recognized, and feel that unless I get recognized, and have another say to me, that what I am doing is effective, that what I am doing works, to feel that it’s worthless, and that it doesn’t mean anything – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice this point of recognizing myself, of telling myself, when I do something that I am satisfied with, that hey, this was cool, and I am satisfied with this, and it was a cool point that I walked, and pushed, and created

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another, and go into a personality of feeling that my efforts have been diminished, and unfairly judged, when and as I perceive that another doesn’t see what I am doing, and how much labor I am putting into a particular point, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire that my efforts, my labor, and the soul I put into what I am doing, that it’s to be seen, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, that I can’t expect another to recognize me, unless I am accepting and allowing myself to recognize myself first and foremost

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I feel unappreciated, and unfairly criticized, and judged, and that my efforts have not been recognized properly by another, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize, and understand that I can’t expect from another to recognize me, when I’ve not gifted myself this point yet, and as such I commit myself to practice me recognizing myself, and giving myself credit when I’ve walked a point effectively, and within this, to accept and allow myself to rest in a moment of being satisfied and proud over my creation, and as such give me a pat on my back instead of expecting another to do that for me