Tag Archives: desires

Day 307: Longing For More

About two years ago I started planning my future when it came to career, living arrangements, and what type of future that I wanted to experience in my life. In this process I was able to reach a few conclusions, such as for example: I want to live on the country side and I want to be able to have a career in which I can be flexible and steer my working hours in a way that fits me. Now I am at a stage where I have realized parts of my plan, and where I have come to see, that the assessments I made two years ago where in many ways correct. My plan has worked out in many respecs– and I should be happy. Though the fascinating thing is that, I am not.

Because, here I am, having reached my goals, finding out that things are not the way I imagined – and with that I mean – the way I perceived that they would feel. For example, in living on the country side, what I perceive to be amiss in my environment now is ambition and career-driven people. And then further, I feel that the small city which I live close to is to small, not enough people, it is too plain, and boring. Instead of being satisfied, my mind is moving towards a future in one of the bigger cities – something that I have planned to avoid due to the various inconveniences that go with living in a bigger city; such as housing prices, infrastructure, transportation, living costs etc. Hence, I find this development within me fascinating. And what I have realized is that this tendency of wanting what is not here, of seeing that is over there, and the bad that is here, it is a tendency I have had for some time – the inability to settle down and be content with what is here – and thus – work with what is here instead of trying to escape it.

Instead of appreciating what I have and the positive aspects of my reality, what stands out is the negative, what stands out is what I do not have, and what I feel that I should have. And this has been a theme in my life, mostly I have felt that my life is somewhere there, in the future, my life will begin in a year or two, my life will begin when I get over there, and in that process of projection, I miss the life that is HERE. Because I have seen, that it is not so much about WHERE you are, it is about WHO you are – WHO you are determines EVERYTHING. You can live in the most perfect of worlds, and still, if you are not stable and settled within yourself, there will still exist a restlessness deep inside, a want to get out, to experience something different, to not be here, but to get away.

What is then the solution?

The solution is to realize that projections into the future indicates what is amiss in my expression and practical living HERE – and hence – the projection is a coping mechanism – because through projections we are able to feel as if we are some time, some day actually going to reach our goals/dreams/wishes – however – we will not – because that projection only exists in the first place because we are not living that experience as ourselves.

For example, with me, what I now long for is a bustling city, filled with opportunities and momentum – and hence – a place where I can feel challenged and where I still have security and stability – and I also see that my projection contains a touch of fulfillment and completion – it is as if I will only somewhere in my future be able to realize myself as fulfillment – and feel utterly at ease with myself – no longing. Though this is as well an illusion – because fulfillment and completion can never come to me from my outside world – it can never be something that I find out there – instead these are words that I must live – that I must bring to life through living on a moment to moment basis.

Hence, when projections of the future come up, this can be utilized as a support, through asking oneself; what does these projections show me about myself? What is is that I have not created and lived HERE for and as myself that I am still projecting into the future? Thus instead of trying to reach my projection – I can instead bring my projection HERE – and make that desire/want/wish/preference that I see out there – a part of my living reality HERE as how I live – how I stand in thought, word and deed. This is the key to being able to create anything – because suddenly we are not bound by space and time – we are bound by our own initiative, push and drive – and how much we will ourselves to create ourselves.

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My Dreams End Here

Most of my life I’ve wanted to become something that I am not. When I was younger at elementary school I wanted to become thin, because I thought that I was to fat. Further I wanted to become a movie-director and make great movies that everyone applauded in ecstasy. I wanted to become a fotball pro and make these brilliant tricks, wherein I fooled all my opponents and finally the goalkeeper. I wanted to become a brilliant ice-hockey goalkeeper, become famous for my amazing saves; having others speak about me in awe, saying that I never ever let the puck into the goal – saying: he’s simply brilliant!

Then I got somewhat older and I began college, or gymnasium as it’s called here in Sweden and now the nature of my dreams changed slightly. Now I wanted to become a master Warcraft III player, which is a computer game for those that do not know. And I wanted to be top-ranked, and I played to reach this goal for several hours everyday; up to 8 hours some day’s.

Then I found another computer game wherein the goal was to develop an online character through fighting and killing monsters. Through doing that you found new weapons, you unlocked new areas, raised in your level and got new type of skills; and when you we’re really good and had a very advanced character with all the latest skills, gears, and levels – you got respect from other online players.

Then as I advanced in my age I started to consume weed – quite heavily. Through doing that my dreams started to change in nature. I also started to play guitar at the same time; and now to my inner eye appeared visions of me sitting in a house in the middle of the woods, smoking weed and playing my guitar. Or I was off to some far away tropical island, filled with beautiful women, lots of weed and musicians that I could play music with. Obviously in my dreams I would become respected for my music, revered even, and I would become exactly as my most loved idols; Bob Dylan, Jimi Hendrix, Freddie Mercury; a star of enormous dimensions!

And then I got out of my school experience and my dreams came to an abrupt end, because you very fast realize that non of your dreams will be fulfilled, as they are only dreams. Though obviously I held on to some of golden acorns, as my most precious dreams; especially the dream of one day becoming a famous musician.

So, it’s interesting when one look at the dreams that I’ve had during my lifetime, as they have all consisted out of one thing only: winning. And my dreams might have offered some slight nuances as to how this winning might be experienced, as fame, success, adventure, sex, power; but always it’s been a question about a positive energy that I would experience, and that would be given to me through having the attention of others,

In all of my dreams I was never the source. All my dreams required people to look at me and define me as that which I sought to be; except maybe my desire to be in a cabin in the woods and smoke weed – yet within that dream I still wanted a cabin. Anyway – what can be concluded is that my dreams were never about me, but they were about me having something that I didn’t have – just as I said in the beginning.

It’s fascinating. All my life I’ve wanted to be something else but what I am here, and what I experience here.

Why? What’s the point of wanting something, or desiring something that isn’t here? To live like that is such an extreme self-limitation, because one will never be satisfied with oneself – and all the time run towards the new mirage that apparently hold the dreams of self fulfilled.

It’s really stupid. All type of dreaming is stupid, as it takes you away from what is real, and places you in position of having to reach something before you’ll be able to enjoy yourself and be satisfied with yourself.

The solution is breath. Never accepting and allowing self to wander of in the mind and create such expectations, ideas and dreams. Standing firm by one’s understanding that nothing will ever come from a dream. Fulfillment will never be achieved through thinking, desiring, longing and urging for something that isn’t here – obviously. It’ll never be here, that’s why it’s called a dream.

It’s just like heaven – dreams that is. Because through participating in dreams we separate ourselves from what actually matters – which is matter. And we become numb to that which offers actual fulfillment, which is living here one and equal as matter – filling ourselves up with substance.

That is the secret to ending consumerism, as always wanting more, more and more – we fill ourselves up with what’s already here and realize we don’t, and we never needed anything more but ourselves, as matter.

I stop the game, as the search for fame, and as the bitterness and blame, that arrives with the train, when you realize you’ll not win but only be one of the same. To be the same as everyone else isn’t bad – we are that already. We’re all of the dust, and of the earth, and dreams, superstars, famous people and successful people; they are but mirages attempting to convince themselves as well as others that they are something above the rest.

Dreams can only exist when one believe there is something above what’s here, and a belief can only exist when one participate in the mind. As such – the simple solution for self-fulfillment is to stop the mind and consequently return to the physical.

End fame – End the Game.