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Day 371: Chilling Out

Some time has passed since I finished my studies and got my first job – and in it has been a process with some changes. One of the biggest shifts has been that I have had a lot less time while working compared to when I was studying. This change took me by surprise and a couple of times, especially lately, I have reacted to the point that I do not have more time to my disposal. Instead of embracing the my life at moment simply does not contain the amount of leisure time that I had access to before, I have tried to handle it within the starting point of making myself more efficient. I do see that such a application is a cool way to tackle lack of time, however, it is also important to make sure that the decision to practice time efficiency is not based on fear or a reaction towards not having as much time  when compared to the past.

Last week I really pushed time efficiency, though afterwards, I could see that it was from within and as a starting point of fear – because I scurried about trying to do as much as possible without really getting anything done – and as I woke up the next morning – I could literally feel in my body how I had been moving myself too fast the day before. Another point that I could notice with how I moved myself was the way I prioritized the different activities/tasks were not effectively aligned. I felt pressured to continue certain tasks, that when looking at them objectively, were not in any way as urgent as I made them out to be.

Thus, there is a difference between being efficient with time and being stressed/uptight about time. The latter way of relating to time is when we believe that we should strive towards getting as much done as possible. Obviously, getting a lot of things done does not in itself mean that our life will be effectively organized and directed – because for us to be effective in that regard as well – we must be able to prioritize, to see the big picture, and ascertain as well as specify what order activities/tasks should be walked. When we are able to do that, as well as being efficient with our time, then we are making real progress.

However, just scurrying about trying to do as much as possible, that is not only inefficient, it also puts a strain on the body. The body should always be considered in any type of schedule. If we do not make space and time for the body to recuperate and rejuvenate from labor we will not be effective and in time our body will show physical symptoms of our disregard. That is why time efficiency does not imply ‘doing things as fast as possible’ – rather – being efficient with time is to know the limits of the physical, to plan and organize effectively, and to prioritize, and not become stressed/anxious/worried when there simply is not enough time for certain tasks/activities. If that happens, it is better to simply let them go, and then when time opens up another day, to then pursue the point.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become winded up when I notice that I do not have enough time to do everything I have planned, and then try to force the execution and creation of my plans into reality, not seeing, realizing and understanding, that I am by doing that creating consequences for myself, I am harming myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force my plans and visions into creation instead of walking breath by breath – HERE in the physical – not accepting and allowing myself to attempt try to skip steps and move to fast – but to see, realize and understand that my movement and creation of points will be efficient – when I walk HERE – in the physical – not trying to do more than – or less than – but remaining in the physical – doing things breath by breath – moving points breath by breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself in balance and equilibrium with my external reality – and to within this see, realize and understand – that when I try to force points from within and as a starting point of stress – I am creating consequences for my human physical body – and then – further – I am creating consequences in the sense that what I do is usually not done very effectively – because I rush through it – trying to complete it – not seeing, realizing and understanding that for an expression to come through nicely – I must invest the time and effort required – and that cannot be controlled by my stress and urge to get points done now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to force the creation of time, to force getting and having more time on my hands, and to go into an emotional turmoil and conflict when I feel that there is not enough time to do what I have planned – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not the time that I push and change, it is rather my planning, my organization and my priorities – and also see that when I attempt and try to force points into creation – prematurely birthing them and placing them into this world even though the prerequisites for such a creation is not here – then I am creating consequences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not chill out – to allow myself to let go of the need, the urge, to complete certain tasks – to asks myself in self-honesty whether it is in-fact as important to complete this point that I am looking as it seems and feels inside of my mind – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, to bring myself back here to and as my human physical body, and to move with breath, to move with the physical, to move one step at a time, and to assess in each moment if it works, if I am moving myself effectively – and if I am satisfied with how the point is playing out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate getting things done with a positive feeling – to think that it is positive, it is good, it is beneficial the more things that I get done – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this premise – because why would it be good the more things I get done? There is nothing within getting things done that in itself creates a better me, or a better world, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that I have been indoctrinated into a ‘productive’ mind-set – where the production is what matters – the amount of products produced – and not the presence within that production and work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value quantity before quality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is a value in how I get things done – to see that it is not only about producing and showing a product – it is also about who I am in the making and creation of that product – because if I am running around in a state of stress – then what does it really mean to be able to create a lot of things? Because I am not really HERE anyway – I am not really living anyway – so what does it then matter that I am able to produce and create a lot of things?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice comfortable and easy-going – chilled out – movement – to move myself breath by breath – from point to point – getting things done in a steady and consistent pace – not accepting and allowing myself to become rushed – and then attempt and try to rush the completion of what I am doing so that I can get to the next point – no – I move myself breath by breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that I will get things done – maybe not now – but if I stick to the point and I move myself consistently – little by little – day by day – then I will move the point into completion eventually – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have this expansive way of viewing my reality – where I see the entire timeline of a creation stretched out into the future – and I do not accept and allow myself to become zoned in and possessed with wanting to and trying to finish and complete something HERE in this moment

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am rushing myself, forcing myself to move to get as many points done as possible, I take a breath, I bring myself back here, and I stop myself, and I see, realize and understand that being efficient with time, also implies moving myself consistently, with a comfortable pace for my body, taking breaks and moments to support my body – being realistic about what can be done, prioritizing and making sure that I pursue the most important tasks first and organizing and planning my time – and also having an overview – seeing that some projects and tasks will take longer to complete – and that it is nothing wrong in itself – it is simply what it is – that is how physical reality operates – certain points takes time; thus I commit myself to move myself breath by breath – and when I get stressed or I notice that I jump in my thought processes between various projects – I take a breath – I ground myself back here – and I continue to move myself in a comfortable pace with the ONE project I got going HERE

And – I commit myself to develop the skills of prioritizing, planning and organizing – to as such develop an overview of my life – and also learn what is important and what is not – to understand within this that to produce is not what matters – what matters is who I am within that – and that I am creating a life for myself and others that is effective and supportive in all dimensions and aspects of living


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Day 370: Equal Regardless of Position

I have recently begun walking through a pattern of fear/inferiority/anxiety in relation to superiors at work. It is an interesting point to look deeper into, because it reveals many parts of how I have set up my mind to function in relation to money, status and position. I have come to realize that it is not really about my superiors at all, it is not about the work at all, the entire pattern is showing me something about myself, and how I have dis-empowered myself, and placed the power to live/express in relation to money, the system, career, into some very narrow and specific physical manifestations.

On a superficial level, the pattern tends to play out as follows: My superior will come around, I will experience anxiety and fear, and become held back and less expressive – and I will over-analyze most things my superior say and many times come to the conclusion that what he or she has said has been some form of insult or hidden critique towards me. That will add fuel to the fire so to speak and increase my experience of paranoia.

Where is this fear coming from? What I have been able to see is that I have placed a lot of value and power into my superiors – I believe that they have the power and initiative to give or withhold my access to money, my ability to create my life and my ability to survive – basically that I need them to stand beside me – and to be there for me for my life to work. I have as such projected my own power and authority to make decisions and move myself in my life unto my superiors – which is a serious limitation.

It is not only a limitation, it is also irrational. Because fact is that I do not need my superiors to like me, to stand beside me, to want me as part of their organization, for me to be effective in this world system – for me to be effective with money – for me to be effective within establishing a career for myself. Sure, if I have an effective relationship with my superior it might make things easier, however it will not determine anything, because the determining factor is ALWAYS myself.

I made it through my university education primarily because of myself, the decisions I made and followed through upon, my determination, my consistency, that was what allowed me to pass my exams and get my current job – and thus – I created my own opportunities. It was not my superiors, and the same goes with my current job – I am the one making sure that I continue to develop, expand and move within the settings of my current job – I am the one pushing myself to go further – nobody else. And thus, I see, realize and understand, that the point I must embrace is that I am responsible for my own life and there really is no other authority but myself. I am the author of my life and nobody else.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project power, authority, control and direction unto my superior – and thus believe that I need my superiors liking in order to make something out of myself, to remain stable in my life, to remain consistent in my life and be able to create an effective relationship with money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own power and authority unto the money system, unto my superior, unto my education, unto my teachers, unto my grades and marks, and believe that it is they/them that control my future and how my life will play out – and that I thus must make sure to please and satisfy all of these various characters – thinking that if I do not do that – it will have severe repercussions – and I will not be able to do anything what-so-ever with my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and recognize my own value, power and authority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself as value, power and authority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for someone else to give me a sense of value, and to stand as my point of power and authority – instead me taking on and standing as these points myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life and everything in it will work out when I am accepted by my superior, when things are going smoothly at my job, when I am seemingly accepted by the current system, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that when I approach life from within and as that assumptive starting point – I am creating consequences for myself – because I am not actively living, directing and moving my life in the direction within which I see that it would best if it moves into – and thus I see, realize and understand that the solution is that I take charge and responsibility for all parts of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear authority and feel inferior to authority and want to serve authorities so that I can save myself from a bad outcome

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing as an authority and to believe that I am not capable of doing that – and that I need someone else to stand that point for me – that I need someone stronger and more apt to be my authority – thinking, perceiving and believing that I am not able to do it for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not valuable enough to stand as an authority in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not strong enough to stand as an authority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not capable enough to stand as an authority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not have the right to be an authority – that I need someones permission to take up and stand in the role of being an authority in my own life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing as an authority in my own life – in fear that I am going to be attacked, harmed, and excommunicated – that I am going to be forced to leave this world and life behind – because other authorities sees me as infringing on their power

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel safe and secure when I am able to have someone else be an authority in my life – because then I can have them make decisions for me – them take responsibility for me – them be the person that I blame if things do not go as I would like them to go – and hence I see, realize and understand, that this is a limitation – and not in the image and likeness of my full potential

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into fear and inferiority towards my superiors, I stop myself, take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this fear that comes up within me it is limiting me from interacting with my superior one and equal, in a comfortable and easy-going manner – and that in turn limits me from expanding my relationships – and here I see, realize and understand, that the real problem I have is not about my superiors, it is about me and my relationship with myself, where I have come to define myself and my value according to position, stature and money, instead of me trusting myself HERE within and as my human physical body to live grounded and simple – equal with all others physical expressions – thus I commit myself to remind myself that I am the directive principle of my life with regards to career, money and work – and that these are points that I take full responsibility for and do not push over unto my superior – and I commit myself to breathe and ground myself back into my body – into my point of equality – and then practice interacting with my superior as I would with anyone else – as an equal


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Day 369: Self-Forgiveness On Fear Of Living A Boring Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming but a statist, a prop, someone that is uninteresting, and uninspiring, someone that leads a boring and predictable life, that has submitted to a life of survival – and fear that people will judge me as boring, and that when I die, I will feel that I did not do enough with my life, that I did not challenge sufficiently, that I did not push myself sufficiently to walk my process of self-creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up within and as a fear of losing my time to walk process, to fear that I am missing something, that I am failing at something, that there is a unknown variable in my life, of which I am not yet aware, that is slowly but surely moving to a close, and that I will not be able to see this aspect of my life until its to late, and then I will regret myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will regret myself, that I will look back in my life and think: ‘Shit, why did I not do X or Z instead’ – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on something that I am not sure on what it is – or how I should correct it – or if there even is something for me to correct – instead of focusing on my PRACTICAL living HERE in this moment – because in this practical moment I am able to make changes – I am able to direct myself – make concrete movements as to what I am going to do – improve – change – and walk – movements that I see will have an effect – and obviously my time is better spent in this area of my life where I do see what must be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having the time in my life to do what I want to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having the space in my life to do what I want to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having the courage, the insight, the seeing, to do what I should be doing, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there is something I should be doing, that I am not doing, and that this is causing and creating problems for me, that I am not even aware of at this moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am doing things towards myself that I am not even aware that I am doing, that I am creating problems and issues for myself, that I am not even aware of, and that I am slowly but surely losing my ground, losing my presence, losing my life vitality, and that I am not even aware of this, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my life as this constant struggle to remain afloat and in control, to remain directive and in charge, so as to not accept and allow that anything or anyone else takes charge of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my life will be without purpose and meaning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my life will be without purpose, meaning and importance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my life will become irrelevant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being locked into a constant state of survival and search for food and water and nutrition – that all of my life will become about finding resources to survive – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that this is all my life will be and nothing more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to give into and lose myself in the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to become to engulfed in making sure that I survive in the system that I completely miss out on what is of real importance to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have compromised myself – to fear that I have now settled into a lifestyle that is meaningless – and that I am living my life – doing things – walking a way of living and creating myself – that in essence is meaningless – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a meaningless and insignificant life that others view as nothing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to draw stability, value and comfort within myself, through making sure that others react to, and find my life interesting, worthwhile, and significant

When and as I see myself going into this fear of losing myself in the system, losing my time, losing my purpose and drive, losing my will to live because all of me is sucked into irrelevant points, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand, that fearing to lose myself in something, indicates that I do not fully trust myself, that there is a part of me that know it is possible that I can completely go into a particular lifestyle, and then forget all about what is of real importance, hence, the solution to such a mistrust, would be to push myself and my process of self-creation, to even more, make it part of my daily living application – so that it is not something that can be lost – but a stable and always present part of myself – thus I commit myself to apply self-forgiveness within me after each reaction I have – to apply and practice living words as corrections in the moment when and as I notice I go into some form of mind experience – to continuously and with regular intervals write my blog – speak self-forgiveness out loud and continue my participation in the Desteni courses offered – to thus make sure that my process of self-creation is a living thing that I care for and tend to – and that I make a part of myself


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Day 368: Trying To Relieve Stress for Money With More Money

It is not possible to achieve a state of fearlessness and comfort in using money through making more money – however – this is a belief that I have held and one of the prime driving forces that have motivated me to expand in relation to money. This is not a sound relationship to have in relation to money as is shown in THIS interview. An effective relationship with money is practical – money is something we earn to be use – to fulfill certain needs that must be directed to create an effective life – and that is it.

Money in itself does not cause stress – lacking money does not in itself cause stress – and having more is thus not something that will relieve stress – the ONLY solution is to look within and establish the actual cause of the stress – forgive it – and commit to change into a more effective way of life.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to relieve anxiety and stress in relation to money through making more money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that more money will not relieve stress, rather me dealing with and directing my money fears will relieve fears – and thus I see, realize and understand – that in order to be effective with money – I must release and let go of all of these money fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money because I believe that money is god over my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to serve my god, to serve my fears, and in the belief it will help me to retain and keep money in my life – not seeing, realizing and understanding, that the solution is not more money, the solution is to transcend and move through my money fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money, and fear the system of money, and believe that I am inferior to money, and that a good way of ensuring a stable relationship with money is to fear and experience anxiety around money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that instead of fearing money, a more effective strategy to effectively work with money, is to learn about money, to develop practical money strategies and tactics so that I can use money more effectively in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that money is a tool, and as with any tool, I have to learn how to use it effectively – and when I have any form of reaction or experience in relation to the tool – it will make me less efficient with money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money, not seeing, realizing and understanding that money is not dangerous – and that in-fact – it is not money I fear – I fear what I have projected into money – which is that my life will fall apart – that I will lose control and fall

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use my fears in relation to money to investigate and see myself – to get to know all my hangups so that I can transcend them – and move through them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior in relation to money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as incapable, and thus believe that I am incapable of getting money, and that I am incapable of handling my life without money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that money is the key to peace – and to believe that when I have achieved a certain amount of money, then I will be able to let go, to finally walk this earth without fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am in-fact limiting myself extensively by projecting my desire, and my want for peace into money – which cannot ever give me that – because with peace – I have to give it to myself through actually transcending and letting go of my emotional bodies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the power I have to create, and that I have projected this power unto money – believing that money is the source of my inner and outer reality and that as long as I fear money – I have money under control and will thus be able to bring it into my existence on a regular basis

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forgive myself for fearing money – take charge of my relationship with money – and define this relationship as a practical and physical relationship – based within the practical premises of the physical – where there thus is nothing more or less than me handling and using money in the physical HERE

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into fear in relation to money, and motivating myself to have more money, through believing that I can get to a point of peace that way, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that it is not a solution to get more money as that will not give me peace – and it is not a solution to strive for peace through trying to achieve and get more material possessions – and in-fact it is not a solution what so ever to believe that something external can give me what I need on a internal basis – and thus I commit myself to bring my attention back HERE – to look within me at what is stirring – and immediately push myself to do self-forgiveness – apply corrective statements – and then live these in my physical reality – thus creating peace for and as myself

I commit myself to use money practically – and to develop a practical, physical and simplistic relationship with money – where money is a tool that I use – it is not more than or less than that


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Day 367: Practical Self-Expansion

Self-Expansion, this word is something that I used to associate with a positive experience. To me, it sounded liberating, joyful and exciting to expand. However, what I have come to see, realize and understand, when practically taking on and applying this word in my world, is that Self-Expansion is usually accompanied with resistance, conflicts and struggles. I have found that this is the case with any kind of word or expression that holds within it a process of self-creation – because when we move from the old to the new – from our pre-programmed design into a lifestyle of our own choosing – that change will challenge us.

Thus, I have found it supportive to be able to let go of any and all expectations that expansion is something that I should feel good about. When a point emerge within me life, where I see a potential for expansion, I at the same time understand that it will take effort, willpower and drive to bring that potential into practical manifestation. Expansion will not happen by itself – and one mistake that I have made – is that I have believed that only seeing the potential is sufficient and that the rest will flow from that. However, that is unfortunately not the case. Self-realization, or seeing, is only the first stage in the process of self-creation, and most times, the easiest one, what must follow is the practical implementation of that self-realization.

Practical Self-Expansion will not happen by itself. It is a directive decision where we push ourselves to move beyond our comfort zones and into the new – a directive decision where we actively look at where we are able to expand and push ourselves – and then an active process of self-creation to bring that SEEING into the physical. Self-Expansion is not conditioned to where we are at physically – because at all times we have ourselves – and because of that constant relationship – there is a potential for Self-Expansion. We must however be willing to walk through the discomforts and apply the effort necessary for us to MOVE – and that is something that only ourselves can do.


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Day 366: Self-Forgiveness On Fear of Making Decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be directive in my process of creation with regards to money and career

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to rely on others to direct my career and my decisions with regards to career, so that I can feel safe, in the belief that I cannot rely on myself to make such decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot rely on myself to make decisions with regards to my survival, my future, and my career, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck in doubt, in passiveness, in fear, instead of directing myself to make decisions and stand by them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be directive in my decision making process with regards to my future, earning money and creating a career for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back in my application of creating a career for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be the one making the decisions, in fear that I will stand with the consequence, not seeing, realizing and understanding, that regardless of whether I trust another to make a decision for me, it is I that will have to stand with the consequence and walk it through

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating consequences for myself by making bad decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making bad decisions and see it as a solution to not make any decisions at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being clear and direct with myself in communication and decision making – to be direct with myself, what I want, where I am going, and to not make things more complicated than what they need to be – to focus on the simplicity of seeing things DIRECT here and making decisions according to that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk around in circles with the same information regurgitating it over and over again – not seeing, realizing and understanding that it will not help me – that the only thing I can do to help myself will be to deal with the undercurrent – with what is going on below the surface

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not deal with the undercurrent and what is going on below the surface – and in this case the undercurrent is fear of failure – and instead of dealing with fear of failure – comparison – competition – I have projected these experiences into my life – into decisions that I am able to make – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how the solution is to deal with the undercurrent of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is pointless to again regurgitate the mind experience, trying to reach the most perfect of all decisions, because at the end of the day, it will mean nothing at all, it will only cause things to take longer, because I am not dealing with the core point that is moving within me – which in this case is fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I will not be able to escape the core point through making awesome plans, because it is not about the plan, it is about who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that I will be able to push, drive, and with fever, attempt to fulfill and make the absolute best decisions possible – however – at the end of the day it will not mean anything at all – because I have not dealt with the undercurrent – and thus I will doubt my decision, fear it, and end up giving up – because I am not standing stable within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that certainty in decision making does not arise from a good plan, it arise from within me and WHO I AM – where I stand fearless in relation to the plan I have created for and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that being fearless is the key to be able to make a decision, stick with it, and follow it through till the end

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself starting to think about, and regurgitate a decision, a point that I have already walked and researched sufficiently, I immediately stop myself, take a breath and bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that I am now trying to find a solution to this problem, to my inability to stand with and by my decision, through more research, and more investigation, and more questioning, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is not a solution – that it will not assist and support – and that in-fact – the only way I can assist and support me will be through dealing with the undercurrent – the fear that lies behind it all – and thus I commit myself to instead look behind the backchat and see what emotion is moving within – and use the moment to apply self-forgiveness and find a self-corrective statement that I can live instead

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Day 365: Conditioning Self-Expression

Today I took some time to direct a couple of my material belongings that had been put in storage. I approached the project with the starting point that I had to make a decision for each of my belongings as to what was going to happen to it – what purpose it was going to have for the future to come. The things which I had not used in a couple of years I decided to give away – this group of things included a saxophone and a electric drum set. The underlying principle I applied was simple, with me these possessions were not used to their full potential, and by giving them away to someone that would actually use them, that would support fulfilling both the recipients expression and the instruments potential; in other words – giving the instruments away would be what is best for all.

However, and here is where it starts to get interesting, as I had made the decision to give away the instruments, I began to have second thoughts, and the backchat that moved within me was something along the following lines: ‘What if I will miss these instruments? I might want to play them at a later stage, and then I will not have them! Man, before when I was a bit younger, I played a lot of music, now I do not anymore, I really miss that’. Thus, my initial backchat was initiated by a fear of loss, and then my mind moved to how I miss playing instruments and having music as a part of my life – that latter part of the backchat as well motivated by a fear – a fear that I had lost these expressions of myself which I had accessed when I was younger as part of playing my instruments and devoting myself to music.

The experience took me by surprise, because I had seen that I was finished with these instruments, that I had used them and that I was satisfied with what I had expressed and achieved, though now with this fear coming up, I started to doubt myself. I took a breath and gave myself a moment to stabilize – and I looked at the point within myself.

I could see that practically speaking, I did not use the instruments. Not because I was hindered to do so, but because I had moved into a new part of my life where these instruments did not have the same role to fulfill. I could see that I was satisfied and fulfilled in terms of having explored and pushed myself to develop a relationship with the instruments and that I was ready to let them go. Thus, the fear did not have anything to do with my practical reality – it was all about myself – and how I was actually afraid of moving on and embracing the new expression of myself that have started to come through within me and my life – where my relationship with music and instruments has begun to change.

Because music and the expressions that I could access and live with my instruments, they are still part of my life, however the structure of my life today is different. Now, I express myself with music by singing songs that I really enjoy out loud, together with a stereo blasting the track at the same time – and the creative part of music – which I before expressed through writing and composing songs – that has become part of my job – where I spend a lot of time writing – and my carpentry hobby – where I must use my imagination and problem solving skills to create and find solutions.

Thus – with giving away some of my instruments – I am not giving away the expressions that I have developed and lived in making music – because those expressions are a part of ME – as such I see that it is important to not get lost in the structure and picture of this world – and relate what I experience and live to the images – because it is not about what it looks like – it is about WHO I AM – and HOW I EXPRESS myself within what I do.

I have found that it is easy to forget this, because the images seems to be so important, however looking back out my life, what has always been a constant is that the images change. My world will move, transform, become different, but I remain, which also exemplifies why it is so important to place attention and focus on developing OURSELVES – and not lose ourselves in the evanescent creations/allures of money and consumerism that so easily grip our attention and that we convince ourselves is the most significant point within our lives.


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