Tag Archives: desteni

Day 406: How To Make The Most Out of Weekday Evenings?

Yesterday when I got home from work I was tired and a bit moody – and this resulted in some unwanted developments in the domestic realm. Hence – in this blog I want to break down for myself who I want to be when I get home, and what I can do to support myself while at work and when I get home to remain stable. Because one thing I find to be clear, how I react and experience myself when I get home after work, usually have nothing to do with what happens at home – rather it has to do with energies and experiences that I have went through at work that I have not yet sorted out effectively.

So, what can I do when I get home to support myself to remain stable and to act in common sense, especially when it comes to assisting and supporting my spouse in household chores? One thing that I am able to see, is that my physical experience many times has a thin veneer of tiredness, meaning that, on the surface, I experience myself as tired, and as wanting to rest, while on a deeper level in my body, I still feel very much refreshed and ready to move myself when I get home. And – lest not forget – it is important for me to step in and assist and support with household chores even though I have been at work – because when a baby comes into the picture – many things changes – and both partners will have to step up their acts in order to continue to have a functional household.

With this I want to say that there is a POTENTIAL for me to break through that surfaced tiredness and access the physical energy still here and latent in my body – and that it is within my responsibilities as a husband and father to make that push when I got home – so that I can contribute in the household and interact with my daughter in a supportive way. Obviously – even though I feel tired from a day at work – it is when I get home to my family that I do have the opportunity to develop, deepen and strengthen the most intimate and close relationships that I have in my life – and if I accept and allow myself to feel tired/used/exhausted – I will miss those opportunities.

So – what can I do to push through my tiredness? The one simple action that I see I must take is to MOVE myself – because usually when I MOVE myself – I will be able to bring myself through that veneer of tiredness and back into my physical body – where there is still a lot of energy left to be used. Hence – this experience of tiredness is rather more of a habit than an actual physical condition. Thus taking action and moving myself – participating in taking care of the household and my kid – that is a solution – a way that I am able to push myself to walk through this limitation that I have created for myself.

Then – another important point – what can I do when I am at work, and when I am working to assist and support myself to remain stable, to be physically rested and stable when I get home? Here – what I have noticed is that when I move SLOW at work – when I take time for breaks – going out for a walk – talking with some colleagues – eating a couple of sandwiches when I get hungry in the afternoon – then I will function much better – and with this approach I am able to preserve my energy/stability throughout the day. And it is similar to fast and slow carbohydrates – with fast carbohydrates all energy is expended speedily and intensely resulting in a hasty movement – while slow carbohydrates nourishes the body with a steady and slow stream of energy that can be utilized for a longer period of time. While working, if I work intensely, focused and speedily for many hours in a row, without a break, without listening to my body, I will expend myself faster. Hence – to support and prepare myself to get home in the evening – I will SLOW down at work and practice listening to and caring for my physical body throughout my day.

Lastly – who do I want to be when I get home from work? Who do I want to be, what is the example that I want to live in front of my child? I want to live STABILITY and COMMON SENSE – and stand within and as the insight/understanding that physical energy is not something that disappears only because I go to work – and that it is about WHO I AM within what I do – not necessarily about WHAT I DO that makes all the difference. Thus – while at home – I want to contribute to the household chores, assist and support my daughter and develop my relationship with her through active participation – and thus – not accept and allow any surfaced tiredness to throw me off balance and into a state of ‘trying to recover’ for the bigger part of my evening when I get home from work.

Hence – the word that I see I can live to support myself when I get home from work is MOVE. It does not have to be more complicated than that.

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Day 405: Practically Living Care

Today I practiced living the word CARE – and my starting point within it was that I wanted to find practical and concrete ways to live the word. I found a couple of ways to live this word that I had not considered or related to the word care.

The first thing I did was that I, when it was lunch time at work, went to the grocery store and bought some really nice coffee beans, bread, butter and liver pate. Because I really like to ground my own coffee and drink it right away after my lunch – however I tend to procrastinate going to the store and buying the coffee when I have run out of it. However, as an act of care for myself, I decided to go out and buy it as soon as I ran out of it. And because of this I could prepare a nice cup of coffee and drink as an addition to my meal.

As I shared above, I also bought bread, butter and liver pate. I did this because I have for a long time considered having a small storage of light food at work to eat during the afternoons. Usually when I get home from work I am really, really hungry, and hence it was suggested to me to eat a small portion of solid food a couple of hours after lunch. However, I had not, until today that is, realized this idea. For some reason, I had accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate and wait, and now as I write this, I can see within me, that a reason as to why I waited, was because I thought/considered that it was going to get better (by itself) at my next job.

Though, the thing is that my job, my position, will never alter or change WHO I AM at work – that is something that I will change and bring through by my decision and by living it. That is what I did today – so at roughly three o’clock – I prepared a couple of sandwiches for myself and I sat down to eat them. It was great to have some time for myself at the end of my day, to slow down, to restore my blood sugar levels, and to support myself to get through the rest of the day. And when I got home later during the evening – I was not as hungry as I use to be.

So, these might seem as some very simple points – however – for me they were acts of CARE. And I am beginning to see, more and more, that implementing words in my life, in a way that is concrete and practical, begins with changing the small, simple, rudimentary things and parts of my life – such as for example – making sure that I am adequately nurtured throughout my day by having proper access to food.


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Day 404: Learning From Mistakes

Today I had a situation at home where I reacted in irritation/frustration because I felt sidestepped and disregarded – while at the same time slightly jealous because I experienced it as if someone else for a moment stole my moment in the limelight. While still in a reaction, I shared this with the other person, which then caused a reaction in the other as well. Afterwards I justified my reaction, and how I had spoken it out loud by saying that it was a ‘common sense’ point and that it ‘needed’ to be said. However – I can now see that my point was not really that important – and even if it had been important – I could have shared my perspective in a more calm and supportive way.

The reaction in itself had built for a couple of moments, starting from backchat, where the main point was that of thinking about how the actions of another caused ‘inefficiencies’ in my life – and from there triggering irritation – leading up to saying within myself that ‘I must bring this point up with the other person’. And then when I finally spoke about the point, it did not at all come out as coherent, understandable or common sense – because what took precedence was my reaction – I felt irritated and side-stepped. And that is something I find to be a tell-sign of when I am in a reaction – the point I am making is not grounded in the physical – and hence everything I try to tell and share will be equally unclear and muffled.

After the situation I started to experience guilt and shame because of how I had expressed myself. I did not like to look at myself in the mirror, and recognize what I had done – I initially wanted to believe/think that I had some form of valid reason behind my action. However, this is not the case, there was no valid reason behind it. The reason was that I had made up and used as a justification to allow me to live out and express the reaction.

So – what can I learn from this?

Firstly – and this cannot be said too many times – do not follow my own inner chatter – do not believe my own inner chatter – do not make decisions according to my own inner chatter – instead – BREATHE – because it is in BREATHING that there is stability and common sense. Inner backchat does not have any standing when it comes to giving me clear and grounded perspectives and suggestions as to how I should move and deal with my reality.

Secondly – to not take side-stepping personally – to not react personally when I feel that someone is taking my spot, doing my thing, taking charge of my position – it does not define who I am – and I do not require to protect myself. Neither do I need to fight to retain and keep my standing – because what am I really trying to protect? What am I really trying to defend? Is it not all an illusion in-fact? Best thus to remind myself that what goes on out there – it does not define my inner reality unless I accept and allow it. Hence there is no need to push to keep my reality set in a specific way in the belief that I will lose value and worth if it changes. In this reality, things go up and down, sometimes I am praised, other times I replaced, and in other instances I will be erased – however – it DOES NOT define who I am – that is the point to remember.

And then when it comes to actually supporting others in my environment and myself – to share common sense in stability and not make it personally because that shifts me into emotion instead of sticking with practical physical movement and change in the moment.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I am not gaining confidence, when I am not placed in a position of leadership and importance, with regards to points that I feel I am the best equipped to handle – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my ability and opportunity to learn, to acquire new skills, to grow and move as a person in my life and with regards to what I do through failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional and feel the need to protect myself and my position, my stature and standing, believing that I can be toppled unless I fiercely and defiantly make sure to push away anyone coming close to taking me down – in this not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am paranoid, and that I am fighting against my own fears – and that there in-fact no reason for me to exist within this constant mode of fighting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to no care for the people in my life one and equal – to not consider them one and equal – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the presence of people in my life for granted – to see and treat them as props in ‘my life’ – not seeing, realizing and understanding how much I am able to learn from people in my life – and what relationships that I am able to developed if I push myself to be something more within myself – something more in the sense of actually being real, genuine and self-honest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being open and vulnerable – to fear investing myself in life and fully taking part in living life – fully taking part in getting to know people and letting them inside of myself in the sense of letting myself be receptive and open to new expressions, new insights, new information, new ways of doing things – and hence push myself to continuously expand and move

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really listen to or take people seriously – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really be HERE – to not really be in reality – but continuously be somewhere else in my mind – where I believe there is more to be found – however not seeing, realizing and understanding, that in spending time in my mind – I am separating myself from reality, from what is here, from the physical, and hence not allowing myself to get to know and be close to – and interact with and learn from PHYSICAL reality as it is HERE

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into a reaction fear towards other human beings, where I then want to enter a ‘isolation mode’ and push others away in order to feel more secure and safe within myself – I take a breath and bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I cannot transcend and walk through this fear by running away from it – and fact is that the only way I will get better at people and social relationships – and learn how to make myself within them REAL and learn how to live empathy, and how to appreciate and truly care for others, is by placing myself in situations with people – and thus I commit myself to enter into the dragon – to walk into the midst and learn to stand through exposing myself to that which I find is difficult and that is outside of my zone of comfort until I am comfortable and able to direct the point

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Day 403: Why Wait?

For some time I have been dealing with an inner experience of depression/negativity/sadness when it comes to work, in the sense that I have experienced much resistance towards working, and felt is I am being limited in the routine/repetitiveness that is part of my job. To assist and support myself through this point I have been applying self-forgiveness, mostly in the car while on my way to work, and today I made a breakthrough in that I had a realization as to the nature and purpose of depression and how it limits me from creating my life.

See – I have realized that depression is in a way a secret/undercover method of giving up upon on myself and moving myself. Because the interesting thing about depression is that it feels like it is too late. However, the truth of the situation is that I am still alive, still breathing, still able to move, make decisions, utilize opportunities, and push myself to move forward. Thus – the purpose and function of depression is to make it seem as if is to late – which then serves as a easy way out to not have to go through the challenges, the ups and downs, and the difficulties of actual change.

When I saw this, I at the same time saw the solution – which is to simply give to myself HERE that which I perceive is too far away, that which I perceive is too late for me to decide upon and live. For example, in my case, one of the points I have felt and experienced myself as being too late to take on is the point of engaging more with people, getting to know them, talking with them, and pushing myself to over-all, be more social in my life. Thus the solution is to immediately take the point on. Why wait? There is no reason to wait until a ‘good opportunity’ comes by – no – rather I can push being social through engaging in the discussion on Facebook that I see, or talking and pushing myself to open up with the first colleague I meet in the kitchen in the morning.

The biggest illusion I have ever created for myself is that change will be here tomorrow. That is not so – real change will only ever be realized HERE – hence – if I am depressed because there are expressions that I am not living – then those expressions must be brought HERE – created HERE – realized HERE – in this moment – in this breath.

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Day 402: Holding Back and Imprisoning Myself

In this blog post I am going to bring up a couple of interviews that was done recently on Eqafe – more specifically: Holding Back and Imprisoning My Life – Life Review and Holding Back and Imprisoning My Life – Life Review – Part 2.

What is discussed in these interviews is daring to take the step into the unknown, pushing oneself to not hold back, beyond one’s perceived self-image – and actually CREATING oneself. The woman in the interview did not dare to do so, and she shares why, and what others in similar positions as her can do to not make the same mistakes.

As far as taking this point back to my own life – what I see is that I can definitely push myself more intensely when it comes to taking charge of myself in situations, voicing myself, and sharing who I am, and how I see that a point can be approached. My general tendency would be to hold back, and not speak, and to allow what is going on. However – that has many times led to me making compromises – me agreeing with things that I see are not working – me doing things, participating in projects, following people and pursuing ideas, that I see are not worthwhile – because I do not dare to open up and bring my voice to the table. Thus – this is something that I will push and practice.

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Day 401: A Dramatic Unfolding of Events

Lately I have been walking through a fascinating point with regards to the emotional experience of betrayal. Before this, I did not consider myself a particularly sensitive, dramatic or emotional person, however, while this might be so in certain contexts, I definitely still have points to work with in other contexts.

This particular point opened up when I invited a friend to come and stay with me over the weekend. We agreed on a date, though, shortly before he was supposed to come over, my friend cancelled and told me that he had other responsibilities to tend to and could not make it. My initial reaction was that of worry/fear, believing that there was something wrong with me that had caused my friend to cancel. Then followed a reaction of feeling betrayed by my friend, because I felt as if he had promised me that he would meet up, and now broken that promise, and that feeling of betrayal in turn became resentment and anger.

Now, when this happened within me, I was pretty much taken by surprise, because I usually do not react like this. Though, on the other hand, I seldom invite anyone over, and I have not ever been a person to naturally ‘put myself out there’ when it comes to friends and relationships – hence the entire situation was a little bit out of character as to my part within it. Regardless, the final stage of this chain of reactions within me was blame, and while in this state of blame, my mind fervently began looking for ways through which I could take my revenge. These plots usually contained some way in which I rejected my friend and ‘made him feel what I had felt’.

Obviously, I could see clearly the insanity of what was going on inside of me, and I think the reason for this is because I am on average not very emotional. I am instead, most often, levelheaded and stable – and I do not accept and allow myself to use the relationships I have in my life to wind me up emotionally. I started looking at this point that I was walking through – I began applying self-forgiveness – and I could see, realize and understand a few underlying themes within me that were creating this experience.

Firstly, I could see that in relationships, especially those of friendships, I am still holding unto a sense of inferiority – where I feel that I am fortunate and lucky to be able to spend time with the other person, and secretly, deep within me, feel that I do not really deserve it. This belief then creates a tendency within me to compromise and change myself with others to make sure that they like me and that I retain the friendship. Seeing this, I realized that one important point that I will have to change is HOW I approach relationships. I cannot accept and allow a inequality within me, in the sense that I am either less, or more, than the other person, and that I hence have to fight, or that the other person have to fight, to retain the connection. In order for me to be stable in relationships, the approach must be one of equality, where I share myself, naturally, as who I am with another, and also realizing that whether the connection leads to a deeper connection or not, that is not something that I can control.

Secondly, I could see, realize and understand that in order to grow and expand when it comes to relationships in my life, I have to be the one that takes the initiative, and invite, communicate, push to share and give of myself, and at times, that will not be reciprocated, and other times it will. However, what is important to remember is that I cannot accept and allow MY expression within it all to change depending on whether my approaches are reciprocated or not – it must be something that I do from within and as a starting point of self-trust, self-love and self-worth – and where it hence does not matter how others will respond.

Thirdly, I could see that what this entire situation has shown me, is that I still have a lot of work to be done on my self-image and self-value – and hence I have pushed myself to be grateful for the various patterns that have opened up within and through this event – and utilized this way of approaching my reactions to let go of blame and resentment. Because I know that it is never about others, it is always about myself, and my relationship with myself.

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Day 400: Dialect

When I was younger I had quite a few experiences with people making fun of the way I pronounced words. The reason that people found my dialect funny or strange was due to the fact that I initially lived in one part of the country, where one particular dialect was used, and then I moved to another part of the country, where another form of dialect was used. Because my dialect differed in comparison to the ‘normal’ way of speaking in that particular part of the country, I was subject to much ridicule and mockery.

I took much of this personally and started to feel ashamed of the way I spoke and to this day I still become conscious and react through feeling hurt when someone remarks on the way I speak. Obviously, the way I feel and react is not something that I can blame on another – it is my responsibility to direct my inner world and it is not something that I can place upon anyone else. Thus – a solution that I see that can be applied in the moment as I have this reaction is to remind myself that – it is not about anyone else – I react because I have created that reaction – and hence taking it personally does not make any sense what-so-ever. Rather – I take a deep breath and look within myself to understand how come I have placed so much value unto ‘fitting in’ in the sense of speaking the same way as everyone else.

Another point that I see with regards to the reactions I experience in relation to dialect, is that there is a certain element of wanting to be accepted – wanting to fit in and be the same as everyone else – and there is as well an element of feeling secure/safe/comfortable when I know that I am the same and do not stick out. However – this is a limitation – because can I ever really express ME if I am trying to be like someone else? Can I ever really express ME when I am worried that I will not be like everyone else?

The answer is clearly NO – in order for me to express me and be free – I will have to let go of the comforting experience that I have associated with being the same as everyone else. If I want to live for real – I will have to stand as myself – and not accept and allow myself to continuously attempt and try to find some sense of belonging in a group of people.

Hence – self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements on this point:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being strange, to fear sticking out, to fear being noticed, to fear being seen and defined as different, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back, and suppress myself, to make sure that I remain within the confines of my own self-created limitation – so that I do not head out into the unknown and become too strange, too off, and hence become judged/bullied by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in feeling hurt when someone remarks on my dialect, the way I speak and pronounce words, by for example, imitating the way I speak, and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this feeling of hurt is not real – because why would I be hurt because someone else reacts to the way I speak? What does how I speak and pronounce words have to do with them? It is my decision the way I express and share myself – and this has got nothing to do with anyone else – and hence I see, realize and understand that any fear or reaction that comes up within me – it is my own point and not something that I justify by thinking that it is someone else’s false

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in feeling hurt when someone remarks on my way of pronouncing words, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on others to feel comfortable and at ease, to become dependent on being like, the same, or similar to others for me to feel comfortable with myself – and within this loose sight of myself – and the understanding within myself that I really do not need another by my side for me to stand stable and live myself and my life effectively – and hence – I do not need and require a confirmation from another that the way I am speaking is ‘correct’, ‘good’, ‘as it should be’ – because I can stand that point for myself – and hence I commit myself to ask myself, and feel within myself, whether I am satisfied and content with the way I am speaking or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on others to be in a particular way towards me, where they tell me that I am good enough, where they say that my way of doing things, living, expressing and moving about is acceptable, is alright, and as it should be, believing that I cannot stand that point of for and as myself – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need someone else to stand that point for me of me being comfortable with myself – instead of me making the decision that I will stand – that I will live – that I will walk and express ME regardless of how others feel about it – that when I see common sense – I will stand by it – even though others might not do it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sensitive of others judgments/ideas/experiences/critique/remarks about me or what I am doing – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that I have developed this fearful and anxious relationship when it comes to doing my thing, expressing myself when that expression is not the same, or accepted by society, that I give up, I give in, and I remain in a state of fear and anxiety, instead of going for it, and not accepting and allowing myself to become defined by the judgments of others – that are in-fact so superficial and does not mean anything in the long run anyway

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare standing with and as myself when people do not agree with me, do not like what I am doing, become irritated with me, or talk shit behind my back, to push myself to stabilize and stand in such moments with what I see is common sense and to not accept and allow myself to be affected and use self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements to stabilize myself and to remain on course – on my purpose – on what I have decided to do and walk in this lifetime – and not accept and allow myself to limit myself and hold myself back in fear

When and as I see myself going into fear of rejection and judgment, or see myself react in feeling hurt because others remark on the way I speak and pronounce words, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I have limited myself – contained myself in a small state of inferiority – because I fear standing up as an equal – because I know that would mean conflict and disagreements and that everyone would not be my ‘friends’ – and hence I see, realize and understand that in order for me to fully in my life and express me wholly – I have to push through this fear and learn/practice/live standing by myself even though I am afraid of doing so – and push through my fears; and thus I commit myself to push through my fears of being different and practice expressing myself as common sense and what is best for all even though nobody else understands it or agrees with it

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