Tag Archives: desteni2012

Day 34: Working With What Is Real

In the last blog – which you can read HERE – I took a part nervousness from the perspective of seeing what positive experiences I’ve connected to me for example standing in front of my class holding a presentation, or writing my exams – and the reason for this is to remove my idea(L) that I have of myself – as to who I believe/want to be – and instead get down to the nitty gritty of working with how I in-fact experience myself when it is that I stand before many people, or I do my exams.

Thus – today I am going to work my actual physical experience when I do exams, or hold a presentation – and I will also simultaneously walk the point of stopping conflict within me – in seeing that I don’t have to fight the real experience of me because it apparently doesn’t coincide with my idea-experience of myself as how I think I should experience myself – I mean – there is no need to fight what I already exist and live as – instead it’s to understand, and get to know the real me – and then place myself in a position wherein I am able to actually and for real correct myself.

NervousnessBlogSo – how do I really experience myself in these situations? Well – I become physically tense, and go into nervousness – which results in me not being able to effectively deal with the situation. One of the reasons for this is because I don’t know who to be – I don’t know how to look – I don’t know how to present myself – I have no real foundation so to speak. This is though something I’ve already worked with when I’ve prepared myself for my exams – I’ve actually structured a systematic structure as a way which I am to answer questions – and I this was effective to keep me more stable in the moment of writing my exams. For example – in my structure I stated that I must read slowly, and be focused on the words that are written on the question I am given – I must not jump, and stress through the initial stage of reading the question because then I will miss important information; and as I applied this on my exams – I was actually much more stable.

So – establishing a foundation – a MEness – that is important because that is something I currently lack – and I see that this will be done through writing out a structured way as to how to walk the point, who I am within in, and what specifically I am going to do – and then walking this physically.

A second prominent point that comes up is fear of the unknown – because I can’t really prepare myself completely when I am facing an event such as an exam, or a presentation – because there is always that small point of a uncertainty – a probability that something might go wrong, and that I then as this happen – won’t be prepared to deal with the consequences effectively.

Thus – another important point to establish is self-trust – because I see that in standing as self-trust – I will not fear the unknown as I will trust myself to direct myself through the point of the unknown and deal with any situation that might emerge.

Self-forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown, and distrust myself in the face of the unknown – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to read a situation – and understand how a situation might respond to me – and what I must say, or do for the situation to respond to me in a way that I experience as being positive – so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can’t trust myself – and that when I trust myself something will go wrong, and I won’t be able to correct the mistakes that flows from this wrongness

2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having information as to what will happen if I say, or do a certain thing – so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being blind so to speak, in not being able to calculate the consequences of my actions – and how others will see, and experience me – when it is that I act and live in particular ways – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, and perceive that I require information, knowledge, and being able to calculate future consequences in order to be “safe” and trust myself

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that trusting myself is something that happens to me when I am able to know what is going to happen in the future – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone me trusting myself, and prevent me from trusting myself in thinking and believing that I must have something more – I must get something more – I must achieve something more – and I must wait before someone give me a permission that I am able to trust myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not BREATH – be HERE – and to get myself moving within and as oneness and equality as my human physical body – and stop waiting for someone, or something else to save me before I trust myself here

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, and believe that I am not yet mature enough to trust myself – and that trusting myself is something that comes, and happens with age – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of my fear, and my anxiety – and my worry, and my nervousness – and to see, realize, and understand that self-trust does not develop through waiting – but through me deciding, and willing myself to develop self-trust – through actually living and walking in such a way that I am able to trust that who I am is what is best for all – and that I will not compromise myself and fall prey to experiences, and illusions of and as the mind

5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that I need, and require someone else to tell me that I am ready to trust myself – and that I am ready to go – so to speak – instead of accepting and allowing myself to say to myself that – hey! I am ready when I decide to be ready! And as such – I am able to decide here that I trust myself – and to stop fearing the unknown – to stop fearing trusting myself – and simply do it – and as such apply the statement of “just do it!” – because really that is what it all comes down to – to actually make the decision and walk the decision – and in-fact do it!

Self-commitment statements

1. When and as I feel, and experience that I can’t trust myself – because something will go wrong when I trust myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – the fact is that what I experience is – a experience! Thus – a experience indicates that what is coming up within me is coming from the mind – automatically activated without my direct movement, and decision – and thus it’s not trustworthy; as such I commit myself to not trust the experience of myself that I can’t trust myself because something will go wrong – and I commit myself to act – and decide to trust myself here in this moment

2. When and as I see, and notice that I experience fear trusting myself – because I think that I can’t trust myself if I am not able to know the consequences of my actions beforehand – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I can decide to trust myself regardless of the situation that I am in – or the point that I am facing – simply because it’s about SELF-trust – and not about OTHER-trust – and thus I commit myself to decide to trust myself – and see that it’s only me that can decide and walk this point for myself here

3. When and as I see, and notice that I think, and experience that I must wait with trusting myself – because I must have something more, achieve something more, and get someone to allow me to trust myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – it’s about me taking a decision and trusting myself – thus I can’t wait for my environment to change me – I must stand as the catalyst – I must stand as the start – and I must take the first step and not allow myself to wait anymore; as such I commit myself to practice trusting myself as a self-decision in the moment – that I walk regardless of what it is that I am facing here in this moment

4. When it is that I see I go into and as a belief that I can’t trust myself because I am not yet mature enough, and that I can’t direct myself to trust myself because this is something that happens with time, and as I grow older – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I mean – to believe that I will be able to trust myself more with time is simply an illusion – because look at most old people –they’ve also no self-trust and they’ve walked an entire lifetime in this world; as such I commit myself to stop using this excuse – to bring myself back here – and to see that I have to decide to trust myself – I have to stop waiting – and I have to actually do it because no one will do it for me

5. When and as I see that I am waiting to trust myself, because I feel that I have to have someone that tells me that – “okay, now you can trust yourself!” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this point of deciding to trust myself is something that I must give to myself, and nobody will say to me ever that “now I can trust myself” and even if they do – the decision is still MINE because there is only ME inside of ME – thus only ME that can decide who I am – and what I will live, and stand as; as such I commit myself to make the decision to trust myself HERE and without waiting and postponing

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Day 29: Test-anxiety – The Calm Before The Storm (Part 16)

Because I’ve now walked this character for some time – I’ve begun to experience a sense of ease, and peace within me in relation to studying for my test – I do not anymore experience it as this life, and death-situation – and when I am studying – I am simply sitting there studying.

the_calm_before_the_storm__by_dead_mans_hand-d497pd9Though, there are some lingering thoughts left within me that disturb me – and that I notice are coming from fear, and anxiety. One of these thoughts is a fantasy, a projection of me doing the test – me sitting in the examination-hall – looking down at my papers – trying to remember all the information that I’ve been studying so feverishly – sitting there being nervous as to what question is going to come – and within that projection – I can see how I am thinking about whether I’ve forgotten something – what if I’ve studied the wrong things? What if I’ve made a crucial mistake and I am going to regret myself – and I am going to walk out of this hall and feel like shit?

What I’ve understood is that the grades on my test DO NOT DEFINE ME – but I’ve not fully lived this understanding in flesh – because – I still do believe that the grades I will receive on this test will define who I am – will define my very future – will be the very point that is going to either have me make it, or break it – fascinating – because in looking at my life up to this point – I am able to see how insignificant the results on the tests that I’ve taken have been in actually influencing my ability to stand, live, and walk in this system – what has been important has instead been my dedication to the particular subject – and me actually learning, comprehending, and understanding information in school – because that is something that I’ve been able to take with me – and use later in my life; though obviously – the grades have had some influence – as to what university courses I’ve been able to apply to – so – it’s not to say that they are meaningless – but obviously – they are not everything of the education – only a part.

Thus here it is to understand that – even though I do not receive the best grade – it doesn’t mean that I’ve failed my entire education – it only means that I’ve failed with one objective that I set for myself as to what type of results I want to have in walking this education – and thus – it’s important to not make it TO BIG – but to see it for what it is – and then look at SOLUTIONS.

I mean – it’s fascinating – when I go into fear, anxiety, nervous, and worry – that’s everything that exists to me – nothing else exists but this fear, anxiety, nervousness, and worry – and thus I completely forget that I am able to implement and live solutions – to in such a way make sure that I do receive the grade that I want to have – so – I can see that this process is a “double process” so to speak – meaning – I must walk the INNER change – meaning – let go of fear, and self-definitions in relation to achieving in school – and then walk a OUTER process – as in-fact establishing solutions so that I am able to get the grades that I want to have – because I see that it can be useful for me in terms of opening up opportunities in the system in the future.

The key is to – let go of the bullshit – and then focus on facing, correcting, and walking through real physical reality – which involve finding, and implementing solutions – it shouldn’t be that difficult!

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, and believe that fear, anxiety, and nervousness is a solution to my problems – and that when I go into and enter this form of experience – everything will be okay – because apparently I am dealing with my reality, and I am sorting out points in my world when I go into stress, fear, anxiety, and nervousness – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this is NOT TRUE – and that when I go into a experience – I mean – I am simply going into an experience – and there is nothing within which change the situation that I am facing – it’s simply me postponing actually dealing with the real – physical – and actual problems that I am facing in my day to day living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the mind is really one big excuse – it’s one big justification to not have to deal with real – physical – reality – it’s function is to make me feel certain particular experiences – and within that go into, and loose myself in this experience – and think that I am now “dealing with reality” because I am in this “though experience” – while really I am just lost in my mind fighting demons that aren’t real – and then letting my reality go to shit – because I am not bringing myself back here – and developing – walking – a PHYSICAL PRACTICAL SOLUTION

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this is also reflected in the functioning of the world system – wherein there are countless of activists, and revolutionaries trying to change the system – and they protest – become angry – and feel like they are treated badly – and they rebel – and they feel superior and good about themselves – and the win, and they loose – and they are in this orgy of experience – but NO ONE is breathing here – looking at the practical physical situation – and then in breath – in the simplicity of self-movement – simply doing that which is needed in order to correct the point – and bring the point to a conclusion – as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that there are specific tools of support available in my world for me to become more effective in my reading skills – and thus in me integrating the information in the courses that I am walking – – and that thus – there are actual SOLUTIONS available here – all I have to do is to get out of this completely unnecessary experience of fear – and go into a solution immediately – and simply stop fear – because it doesn’t get me anywhere what so ever!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, and believe that the more I think about my test – and the more I fear my test – the better it will go for me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create some type of ritualistic belief within me – like a voodoo doll – wherein my thoughts of fear are these sacrifices that I make to the “test-god” that he will treat me benevolently and have me score a good mark – not seeing, realizing, and understanding that FEAR doesn’t help me – I mean I’ve proved this to myself countless of times – fear makes me ineffective – fear makes me stress, and not read information properly – fear makes me stupid – fear makes me not able to think, and consider the information that is here in a open-minded – and relaxed state of being – I meaning – I know this because I’ve done tests in fear before in my life time – and I’ve always managed to exceed when I’ve been relaxed, and comfortable – and not stressed as to the outcome of the test

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give up the desire for my life to be a life of excellence – and instead focus, and give my life to creating a world that is best for all – thus within this – giving up self-interest – and within this giving up fear – as fear can only exist where self-interest exist – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to study – and do my test – and aim for a good mark – from within and as the starting point of placing myself in a position in this world where I am able to have influence – and make a difference – as walking for all – and not for my own self-interest as fear – but instead walking – and making studies to be about everyone, and everything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that when I hold no personal value to points in my world – I do not fear loosing the points – thus fear is a product of me placing value separate from me – thinking that I require certain external points in my world in order to keep me stable – and keep my sane – and keep me going – and within this I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to breath – and to let go of this value that I’ve separated from myself – and instead see, realize, and understand – that the only value that exist – is the value of this moment here – as me living life as what is best for all – thus value being equal to life – as living by a principle that will bring forth true excellence on a global and existential level

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am holding unto fear, anxiety, and nervousness, thinking that these experiences are helping me – that they are making me more safe, and that me having these experiences imply that I am taking care of my world – and reality – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in essence – everything that is of the mind – as a mental projection have no value in this physical world – some points do – that are aligned with the physical and that can be directly applied into and as this physical world with direct results – for example mathematics – but FEAR – that is of NO USE – and is simply holding me back from implementing a solution – and living that which I see will actually on a physical level be able to change the situation that I am; as such I commit myself to stop relying on the mind – and fear – for anything – and I instead commit myself to really only upon physical feedback as actual results that I am able to measure – that is trustworthy – nothing else is

When and as I see that I am participating in my mind, as experiences – as feelings – as fear of doing my exams – as fear that I am going to fail – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that fear is useless – meaning that – fear doesn’t help me to do better on my tests – is only a experience – a sort of masochistic entertainment – wherein I go into my mind and think that I am “working with reality” – when really I am just in my mind – and not doing anything what-so-ever in my reality – simply because I am not in reality – as I am in my mind; as such I commit myself to be IN REALITY at all times – and to realize that when I am in fear – I am not in reality – thus not walking HERE and developing solutions – but pacifying myself in the drugs of the mind as emotions, and feelings

When and as I see that I am going into a experience – into fear – into nervousness – into disbelief – instead of developing a solution – locating the problem – defining the problem – clarifying a course of action that I am able to take in order to remove the problem – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that only physical – self-willed – self-movement is valid – and only within walking such a point will I be able to produce real – and actual results for myself – to do have an effect in my life – in the life’s of others

When and as I see that I am going into fear – which is a form of ignorance – as not being clear as to what I am facing – and exactly how to deal with, and walk through what I am facing – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand – that I will only have results when I stick to the facts of what is here – when I work with facts – as reality – that is when real results will come to fruition; as such I commit myself to work with what is real – with what I KNOW – because that is certain – and that is not a fluffy experience – but something that I am able to cross-reference – and be completely certain about

When, and as I see that I am feeling safe, and secure because I experience fear towards a particular point – and within this thinking that me having this fear means that I will be really motivated, and ambitious, and take good care of this opportunity – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – fear have never protected anyone – I mean – look at those going to war – soldiers – all of them possessed with fear – yet still how many is coming back from the war? Not many – only a few survive regardless of whether they experienced fear or not – and as such I commit myself to not fear – but to stick with facts – with what I know is proof – real – and valid – because that will bring me actual results

When and as I see that I am looking at my life as “my life” – as a separate island from all other human beings – and that I within that go into desires, and fears – as what I desire my life to become, and what I fear that my life could become – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand – that real peace – and real comfortableness with myself – can only be achieved when I let go of myself – as my self-interest – and my desire to lead and have a special life – and instead give up my one life to live for everyone – to live for all – as that implies giving up my inner reality of madness to instead focus upon that which is value to everyone; as such I commit myself to give up this one life – and dedicate this one life to the creation of a solution that is best for all in everyway – as such let go of self-interest – and let go of fear – and instead live for all

When and as I see that I am going into fear – as I fear loosing points in my world, because I’ve placed a personal value unto these points in my world – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – when I let go of placing value outside of myself – I will become untouchable – because not anymore will me stability, and foundation be based upon points that change – that are changeable in their very nature – but instead my stand will be HERE as breath – solid – because breath is ALWAYS here – the same – yesterday, today, and tomorrow – and such I commit myself to let go of personal value – and instead stand as breath in every moment – and be re-born in each in-breath – and let go – and die – in out-breath

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Eqafe Review: Developing Communication and Expanding Relationships

Today I’ve listened to a absolutely amazing interview called “Developing communications and expanding relationships” – and it’s a life-review interview from a being that has just recently crossed over, and now shared his insights in regards to the mistakes he made in his life.

The primary point of the interview is that we as human beings live in very small and isolated circles of relationships – we interact with a fairly small amount of people, and seldom do we dare to break out of our already created relationships and make contact with someone new. The reason as to why we so seldom do so – is because – as is explained in the interview – a cultural rule we carry within that says; “this isn’t how you’re supposed to do” – meaning you’re not supposed to make contact with new people for no reason but just to chat with them, and get to know them – it’s just not how we do things around here.

So, in essence – the reason why we choose to remain in such a small and secluded world is because we fear stepping out of our comfort zones, and going against this inner police man that wants us to follow this cultural rule that we’ve adapted ourselves to.

Obviously – living within and as this fear is utterly limiting, and I’ve realized through listening to this interview how I’ve limited myself in expanding my relationships through communicating, and initiating contact with new people; thus I will from now on push myself to walk through this fear and expand myself in getting to know and communicating with more people.

I suggest for everyone to hear this interview – it’s available at eqafe together with many other cool self-help – self-introspection products – go check it out!

2012 Sheep Interview

Check out this great interview series – truly remarkable what we human-beings have missed in spending our life’s in our minds as thinking – instead of living and participating here within and as the physical – as breath.