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Day 412: Potential

Today I am going to open up the word POTENTIAL.

Recently I looked at a documentary covering the campaign of the current president of France, Emmanuel Macron. It was an interesting view of the political machinery, from the inside. However, I am not going to review the content of the film, but rather my reactions towards it. The reactions that came up within me was that of stress, as well as comparison. I compared myself to Emmanuel Macron and the position he has achieved. The backchat went something like this:

‘My god, he is only 39 years old, and already president. What have I achieved with my life? I must get a move on if I am going to do something with myself.’

After a chat with my Desteni I Process buddy (she helps me a lot!) I reached the conclusion that the reaction had to do with how I had defined the word potential. The way I saw the word, it was still imbued with the various ideas marketed in the current system of what it means to be successful, what it means to achieve, what it means to become someone in this world; and those are mostly about getting money, or having influence or power. In my life, neither of those factors are particularly salient, at least not to the extent where I can compare myself to a president. Hence, in my mind, the comparison with Emmanuel Macron, fell out in such a way that I was the loser.

Thus – it is time to redefine the word potential. An interesting point to note is that I do not have difficulties in seeing the potential of others. In-fact, that is natural to me. And the potential I see within others is not limited to the polarities of the system and ideas of success – rather – I am able to see how they would be able to contribute/give/expand within their current situation and in their daily living. It is really fascinating actually. An example would for example be my neighbor, who is a farmer. Now, in his life, and profession, and because of who he is, I see the potential of him inviting young people, children, to follow him and learn what a farmer does. I can see that he would be able to give a lot of himself through such a set-up – a POTENTIAL. Though, when I look at my own life, I have experienced a lot more difficulty in trying to establish, what is my potential, and what I am able to do with myself in this lifetime to assist and support myself and others.

Let’s redefine the word POTENTIAL

Sounding the word

Potent-See-All
Potent-All
Pour-Ten-Shallow
Pool-Of-All
Pool-Of-My-All
Pour-Into-The-Shallow

Creative writing

I see that word potential is about filling and empty space. A shallow pool waiting to be filled. The pool has a certain amount of water when it is filled to its brim, its utmost. Living the word potential, is hence about recognizing the amount of water that should be in the pool, and then filling it with water – manifesting its utmost. And filling my pool with water would be the process of realizing/manifesting my potential.

In the world system potential oftentimes has a very limited definition. Mostly it is connected to either sex or money. However, there is obviously a lot more to the word potential. What I see at the moment is that most aspects of our lives holds a unfulfilled potential. For example, the way I drive my car. In certain traffic situations I might be sloppy and careless – and I see that I could do/become more in that particular context of of my life – there is a POTENTIAL for EXPANSION – a pool that is not yet filled. Hence – realizing my potential in that context would be to actually push myself to in similar traffic situations become more attentive and careful.

Thus potential is not limited to improving ourselves in our career or in our ability to acquire and hold unto a partner. Potential is everywhere – and really – our task is to learn to SEE the potential. And to be able to SEE our potential we must learn to recognize what we are dissatisfied with and want to change, learn to see and become inspired by the examples of others, so that we see that we are able to see that there is MORE, and learn to listen to ourselves and bring forth those inner visions we have, were we see we could move and expand with regards to a particular point, into the foreground of our lives, where they can become part of our daily movement and living.

Living potential is as such very much about being ACTIVE and constantly MOVING, CHALLENGING, PUSHING myself forward to see what more I am able to do, and what more I am able to become. Because really, what stands in my way most of the times is that I am not sufficiently ON THE BALL to catch and move on the potential when it opens up.

Redefinition of the word POTENTIAL

Pushing Myself To Make A Moment/Expression/Point The Best That It Can Be


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Day 411: Creating My Own Path

I recently watched a Netflix original series called ‘GLOW’, where one of the characters, a disillusioned and uncomfortably direct and simultaneously honest movie director, explains to one of his actresses, that is supposed to play the ‘bad guy’ in his movie, that there is great power in learning how to not give a fuck about being hated/disliked by others. This line struck a chord with me an hence I want to expand on it in this blog.

From what I have come understand, of both of myself and others, is that our average/normal way of going about life, is that we want to be loved by others, and act accordingly, which is achieved mostly by trying to please others. There are a few people that gets off by doing the opposite, they want to feel hated and disliked, because that makes them feel empowered. Obviously, none of these polarities are a solution, and does not assist and support with growth and mutual self-expansion. If we move around in our life’s trying to be loved by others, well, in some way or another, that will always lead us to compromise and change ourselves to fit in and try to be the way we believe others wants us to be. If we go around deliberately instigating conflicts, and trying to make others dislike others, well, then we are as well changing ourselves to have others respond to us in a particular – we will still be a slave. The base problem in both scenarios is that we define and live according to the response/stimuli that we get from others – and that is what we need to move away from.

A consequence of only acting/living according to what we believe others want, or do not want us to be/do, is that we do not get to know ourselves. Instead we are moved by fickle and ephemeral experiences, change our direction on a whim, what is popular and what is not popular, what is desirable and what is not desirable (generally speaking), we move there – without really understanding why, or having looked at whether it would be best for us or not. It is a form of herd-mentality – and obviously it is a lot easier to just go with the flow. Then we do not have to look within, consider, assess, ponder, and asks ourselves; Okay, but WHO AM I within all of this? And maybe this is the reason we are so prone to move and act according to the stimuli others present to us in our lives, we really do not want to go through the inner conflict of getting to know ourselves and deciding upon a direction? At least this has been the case with me.

While moving with the flow requires no particular self-will or self-discipline, and mostly, comes very naturally, choosing upon and going in our own direction, is in my experience a lot more tough, at least the first times it is done. The times when I have decided to do what I see is common sense, while at the same time, I have had a desire to follow along with what everyone else was doing (which happened to be something different), I have been very conflicted about the decision. Sometimes I have wanted to go back on what I decided, because, what if my way is the wrong way? What if everyone else is right, and I am making a complete fool out of myself? This is characteristic I have found in terms of choosing and deciding upon our personal path, when we do, we have ALL the RESPONSIBILITY. We cannot blame person X for ‘putting us in this position’ – no we did it ourselves. However, that is also what I truly enjoy about making decisions for and as MYSELF – I am responsible – I am the creator – I move – I make it happen – and it will NOT happen by itself.

Thus, the solution as I see to change myself, from needing some form of response form others, to instead making and walking decisions that I have made myself, is to develop common sense – and learn to trust my common sense. If I have made a calculated decision, because I have seen that it is best, and someone else comes and says – ‘No, this is what is best!’ – if I stand clear within myself and know the specifics of my decisions – then I am less likely to fall into doubt and uncertainty. When I am clear within myself with regards to why I am doing what I am doing, I cannot be swayed and controlled the same way as I would otherwise.

Hence, this is exemplifies another point, it is not about being different, not about fear of what others might think about me – the reactions I have within me towards the input/response/stimuli of others reveals to me my relationship with myself – and if there is any form of dependency – that implies that I have not yet developed and stood as a point of grounded, decisive and clear point of common sense in my own life – but that I still wish to push the responsibility of my decisions unto others. As such, on a deeper dimension, it shows that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand accountable for my own life. The solution to this point is to live accountability – and do that through practicing STANDING with and by the decisions that I make – in terms of establishing what is BEST for ALL before I make a decision – and then deciding according to the assessment I have made. This way I will develop accountability – and at the same time – become a lot better at making decisions for myself, as well as standing with and by them even though others might say that I should do or think differently.


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Day 408: Weaknesses

Yesterday I was painting a wall together with my partner. I was rolling the roof and my partner was masking certain areas of the walls using tape. Some moments later my partner asked me if I could help her to mask an area of the wall, because she had trouble reaching that particular spot. In that moment I experienced a reaction of irritation, and this was accompanied by line of backchat, which went something line this:

“Can’t she do this herself? Why must I do it? Why cannot she learn to do this, it is simple, I should not have to go over and help her with this simple point.”

It was not only about me having to stop what I was doing, to go over to another part of the room and align the tape, what triggered my reaction was also a judgment, of perceiving my partner as being weak, because in my mind, she could not ‘handle’ this simple action – and I perceived it as if she was accepting this weakness, readily embracing it, instead of pushing through it, and for example, herself, learning how to mask that particular place.

So, when I bring this point back to myself, I can see that it is about judging weaknesses, and as well, judging not challenging weaknesses in solitude, but rather asking for help. This is what I would term a typical male approach to weaknesses. The belief that weaknesses must be fought, and conquered. However this is certainly a very one dimensional way of approaching weaknesses, because, what about learning from weaknesses? What about acknowledging my weaknesses, and then structuring my life in such a way that I can focus on my strengths, and outsource the parts in my life where I am weak? Or, what about acknowledging my weaknesses, and seeing that someone else is able to do it better than what I am, and thus, the project as a whole, would be more effectively executed if someone else did it instead – or – what about me learning from them?

And this also opens up a related point, if I am strong in a particular aspect in my life, what purpose does it then serve, that when someone asks for my assistance and support, that I become irritated and impatient? Rather, I could utilize such a moment to actually show the other person my technique, the secrets of my strength, explain the point – because that would that assist and support the other person to move themselves from being weak to strong. Thus, the reaction that I had is really counter-intuitive; because judging weaknesses only leads to pretending that one is strong in order to hide one’s weaknesses, and what good comes out of that?

Do I become strong when I hide that I am weak, or pretend that I am strong? No, that is not the case. Real genuine strength does not have to pretend – it is simply who I am. And when someone else shows that they are weak, in-fact that would be an opportunity for me to share my strength, and also, show others how to develop that particular strength.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge weaknesses, to react towards them, and fight them, and not want to understand them, not want to experience them, not want to have anything to do with them, because I perceive them to be a nuisance, a pest, and if I accept and allow one into my life, it will possess me and make me lose touch with the physical, with myself, with my strengths

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to suppress and fight weaknesses through becoming angry and frustrated, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this will not make the weakness go away, rather, if I want to transform the weakness into a strength, I will have to get to know it, and then see what is required to be walked to bring forth a strength, and then assist and support myself, or the other person, to walk a process to make the weakness into a strength

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge asking others for help, to judge recognizing that I am weak and that I need assistance and support within a particular point, to think that it is something bad, something that I should not accept and allow in my life, and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is in-fact a point of ego, how I am accepting an allowing myself to compromise the walking of a project, because I do not want to appear as weak, instead of simply, asking for assistance and support, or asking, how for help to improve my skills, and thus, pushing and moving the project forward in such a way that the best expression, the best potential will come through.

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself judging a weakness, reacting in anger and frustration towards a weakness, wanting to suppress a weakness, I take a breath, I bring myself back here, and I stop – and I see, realize and understand that this is a point of self-sabotage that I am accepting and allowing – and that the weakness will not go away only because I try to fight it – whether the weakness is in my or in another person – rather – I must understand the weakness – embrace it – because then I will be in  a position to direct it – and maybe what is required is that I ask for help, or if the weakness is in another, that I stop up, and patiently show them how to do it, or that I do it myself, or if I am the one that is weak, that I allow another to walk the point for me – and hence I see, realize and understand that a weakness is nothing shameful or bad that has to be fought – it is what it is and it can be directed just like any point – thus I commit myself to embrace the weaknesses and look for practical ways to support myself or another to turn the weakness into a strength – and also to invite help, assistance and support when that will be what is best


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Day 407: Avoidance

In this blog I will open up avoidance – especially in relationships because that is where it has happened recently for me.

Avoidance – a void dance – is an interesting word, with a sound structure that quite clearly indicates what it is all about. In our inner worlds, things can be suppressed, however, that is not possible in our external realities, and as such, if there are things we want to keep away (keep void) we will have to avoid them. And to avoid them, usually we have to do a little dance. Not a dance in the literary sense, rather a figurative, manipulative dance, where we come up with a reason that justifies us not meeting, establishing contact/interacting with the point.

For me, avoidance has opened up in my relationship, and that especially since my partner and I had our first child. And the point I have avoided have been moments of intimacy/sharing/closeness. Before, we used to have ample opportunity, and oceans of time to commit to such activities. Now, when we have a child, those moments where we are able to come together, without our daughter stealing our attention away from each other, can only happen in but a few moments throughout the day. Hence, when those moments do come through, we have to act. And unfortunately, that is when I have made the decision to instead avoid.

And see – as a parent – that also works long hours during the weekdays – there is always a solid reason that can be used to justify avoidance – ‘I am tired’. However – what I have come to see, realize and understand is that even though this tiredness might be real – it does not validate me not pushing through and willing myself to interact and have a moment of intimacy with my partner. Because me not pushing through – but rather using the tiredness as a reason to not meet up – that is avoidance.

Thus – what I want to practice in my life is to stop avoidance and replace it with ‘meet/approach’ – or rather – INITIATIVE – where I instead of waiting – avoiding – and trying to move away from what is here to be faced and directed – take on the point and move myself forward.

Practically speaking, I see that I am able to live this word by initiating moments with my partner, when I do see that there is time/opportunity to do so, where we do things together similar to how we did it when we did not child together. And while this might be challenging and tiring – I will have to push through and initiate – even though I do not feel like it. Here, I also see that I have to take the fact into account, that things will not be like when we did not have a child, it is not possible to return to the past. However, I can still push to create moments of connection/meeting under the new circumstances that we find ourselves within – it will be different – though the purpose and starting point will be the same – to meet/interact and come together.


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Day 406: How To Make The Most Out of Weekday Evenings?

Yesterday when I got home from work I was tired and a bit moody – and this resulted in some unwanted developments in the domestic realm. Hence – in this blog I want to break down for myself who I want to be when I get home, and what I can do to support myself while at work and when I get home to remain stable. Because one thing I find to be clear, how I react and experience myself when I get home after work, usually have nothing to do with what happens at home – rather it has to do with energies and experiences that I have went through at work that I have not yet sorted out effectively.

So, what can I do when I get home to support myself to remain stable and to act in common sense, especially when it comes to assisting and supporting my spouse in household chores? One thing that I am able to see, is that my physical experience many times has a thin veneer of tiredness, meaning that, on the surface, I experience myself as tired, and as wanting to rest, while on a deeper level in my body, I still feel very much refreshed and ready to move myself when I get home. And – lest not forget – it is important for me to step in and assist and support with household chores even though I have been at work – because when a baby comes into the picture – many things changes – and both partners will have to step up their acts in order to continue to have a functional household.

With this I want to say that there is a POTENTIAL for me to break through that surfaced tiredness and access the physical energy still here and latent in my body – and that it is within my responsibilities as a husband and father to make that push when I got home – so that I can contribute in the household and interact with my daughter in a supportive way. Obviously – even though I feel tired from a day at work – it is when I get home to my family that I do have the opportunity to develop, deepen and strengthen the most intimate and close relationships that I have in my life – and if I accept and allow myself to feel tired/used/exhausted – I will miss those opportunities.

So – what can I do to push through my tiredness? The one simple action that I see I must take is to MOVE myself – because usually when I MOVE myself – I will be able to bring myself through that veneer of tiredness and back into my physical body – where there is still a lot of energy left to be used. Hence – this experience of tiredness is rather more of a habit than an actual physical condition. Thus taking action and moving myself – participating in taking care of the household and my kid – that is a solution – a way that I am able to push myself to walk through this limitation that I have created for myself.

Then – another important point – what can I do when I am at work, and when I am working to assist and support myself to remain stable, to be physically rested and stable when I get home? Here – what I have noticed is that when I move SLOW at work – when I take time for breaks – going out for a walk – talking with some colleagues – eating a couple of sandwiches when I get hungry in the afternoon – then I will function much better – and with this approach I am able to preserve my energy/stability throughout the day. And it is similar to fast and slow carbohydrates – with fast carbohydrates all energy is expended speedily and intensely resulting in a hasty movement – while slow carbohydrates nourishes the body with a steady and slow stream of energy that can be utilized for a longer period of time. While working, if I work intensely, focused and speedily for many hours in a row, without a break, without listening to my body, I will expend myself faster. Hence – to support and prepare myself to get home in the evening – I will SLOW down at work and practice listening to and caring for my physical body throughout my day.

Lastly – who do I want to be when I get home from work? Who do I want to be, what is the example that I want to live in front of my child? I want to live STABILITY and COMMON SENSE – and stand within and as the insight/understanding that physical energy is not something that disappears only because I go to work – and that it is about WHO I AM within what I do – not necessarily about WHAT I DO that makes all the difference. Thus – while at home – I want to contribute to the household chores, assist and support my daughter and develop my relationship with her through active participation – and thus – not accept and allow any surfaced tiredness to throw me off balance and into a state of ‘trying to recover’ for the bigger part of my evening when I get home from work.

Hence – the word that I see I can live to support myself when I get home from work is MOVE. It does not have to be more complicated than that.


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Day 405: Practically Living Care

Today I practiced living the word CARE – and my starting point within it was that I wanted to find practical and concrete ways to live the word. I found a couple of ways to live this word that I had not considered or related to the word care.

The first thing I did was that I, when it was lunch time at work, went to the grocery store and bought some really nice coffee beans, bread, butter and liver pate. Because I really like to ground my own coffee and drink it right away after my lunch – however I tend to procrastinate going to the store and buying the coffee when I have run out of it. However, as an act of care for myself, I decided to go out and buy it as soon as I ran out of it. And because of this I could prepare a nice cup of coffee and drink as an addition to my meal.

As I shared above, I also bought bread, butter and liver pate. I did this because I have for a long time considered having a small storage of light food at work to eat during the afternoons. Usually when I get home from work I am really, really hungry, and hence it was suggested to me to eat a small portion of solid food a couple of hours after lunch. However, I had not, until today that is, realized this idea. For some reason, I had accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate and wait, and now as I write this, I can see within me, that a reason as to why I waited, was because I thought/considered that it was going to get better (by itself) at my next job.

Though, the thing is that my job, my position, will never alter or change WHO I AM at work – that is something that I will change and bring through by my decision and by living it. That is what I did today – so at roughly three o’clock – I prepared a couple of sandwiches for myself and I sat down to eat them. It was great to have some time for myself at the end of my day, to slow down, to restore my blood sugar levels, and to support myself to get through the rest of the day. And when I got home later during the evening – I was not as hungry as I use to be.

So, these might seem as some very simple points – however – for me they were acts of CARE. And I am beginning to see, more and more, that implementing words in my life, in a way that is concrete and practical, begins with changing the small, simple, rudimentary things and parts of my life – such as for example – making sure that I am adequately nurtured throughout my day by having proper access to food.

 


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Day 404: Learning From Mistakes

Today I had a situation at home where I reacted in irritation/frustration because I felt sidestepped and disregarded – while at the same time slightly jealous because I experienced it as if someone else for a moment stole my moment in the limelight. While still in a reaction, I shared this with the other person, which then caused a reaction in the other as well. Afterwards I justified my reaction, and how I had spoken it out loud by saying that it was a ‘common sense’ point and that it ‘needed’ to be said. However – I can now see that my point was not really that important – and even if it had been important – I could have shared my perspective in a more calm and supportive way.

The reaction in itself had built for a couple of moments, starting from backchat, where the main point was that of thinking about how the actions of another caused ‘inefficiencies’ in my life – and from there triggering irritation – leading up to saying within myself that ‘I must bring this point up with the other person’. And then when I finally spoke about the point, it did not at all come out as coherent, understandable or common sense – because what took precedence was my reaction – I felt irritated and side-stepped. And that is something I find to be a tell-sign of when I am in a reaction – the point I am making is not grounded in the physical – and hence everything I try to tell and share will be equally unclear and muffled.

After the situation I started to experience guilt and shame because of how I had expressed myself. I did not like to look at myself in the mirror, and recognize what I had done – I initially wanted to believe/think that I had some form of valid reason behind my action. However, this is not the case, there was no valid reason behind it. The reason was that I had made up and used as a justification to allow me to live out and express the reaction.

So – what can I learn from this?

Firstly – and this cannot be said too many times – do not follow my own inner chatter – do not believe my own inner chatter – do not make decisions according to my own inner chatter – instead – BREATHE – because it is in BREATHING that there is stability and common sense. Inner backchat does not have any standing when it comes to giving me clear and grounded perspectives and suggestions as to how I should move and deal with my reality.

Secondly – to not take side-stepping personally – to not react personally when I feel that someone is taking my spot, doing my thing, taking charge of my position – it does not define who I am – and I do not require to protect myself. Neither do I need to fight to retain and keep my standing – because what am I really trying to protect? What am I really trying to defend? Is it not all an illusion in-fact? Best thus to remind myself that what goes on out there – it does not define my inner reality unless I accept and allow it. Hence there is no need to push to keep my reality set in a specific way in the belief that I will lose value and worth if it changes. In this reality, things go up and down, sometimes I am praised, other times I replaced, and in other instances I will be erased – however – it DOES NOT define who I am – that is the point to remember.

And then when it comes to actually supporting others in my environment and myself – to share common sense in stability and not make it personally because that shifts me into emotion instead of sticking with practical physical movement and change in the moment.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I am not gaining confidence, when I am not placed in a position of leadership and importance, with regards to points that I feel I am the best equipped to handle – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my ability and opportunity to learn, to acquire new skills, to grow and move as a person in my life and with regards to what I do through failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional and feel the need to protect myself and my position, my stature and standing, believing that I can be toppled unless I fiercely and defiantly make sure to push away anyone coming close to taking me down – in this not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am paranoid, and that I am fighting against my own fears – and that there in-fact no reason for me to exist within this constant mode of fighting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to no care for the people in my life one and equal – to not consider them one and equal – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the presence of people in my life for granted – to see and treat them as props in ‘my life’ – not seeing, realizing and understanding how much I am able to learn from people in my life – and what relationships that I am able to developed if I push myself to be something more within myself – something more in the sense of actually being real, genuine and self-honest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being open and vulnerable – to fear investing myself in life and fully taking part in living life – fully taking part in getting to know people and letting them inside of myself in the sense of letting myself be receptive and open to new expressions, new insights, new information, new ways of doing things – and hence push myself to continuously expand and move

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really listen to or take people seriously – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really be HERE – to not really be in reality – but continuously be somewhere else in my mind – where I believe there is more to be found – however not seeing, realizing and understanding, that in spending time in my mind – I am separating myself from reality, from what is here, from the physical, and hence not allowing myself to get to know and be close to – and interact with and learn from PHYSICAL reality as it is HERE

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into a reaction fear towards other human beings, where I then want to enter a ‘isolation mode’ and push others away in order to feel more secure and safe within myself – I take a breath and bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I cannot transcend and walk through this fear by running away from it – and fact is that the only way I will get better at people and social relationships – and learn how to make myself within them REAL and learn how to live empathy, and how to appreciate and truly care for others, is by placing myself in situations with people – and thus I commit myself to enter into the dragon – to walk into the midst and learn to stand through exposing myself to that which I find is difficult and that is outside of my zone of comfort until I am comfortable and able to direct the point


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