Tag Archives: destonian

Day 452: Changing Another Does Not Work

What if we would never compare ourselves to another? What if, instead of spending our time thinking, wondering, dreaming, considering what others are doing, thinking or feeling, we invested our time into our own life? What if we made it our purpose to use each day fully to CREATE ourselves, so that we can be, the best that we can be. I imagine that life on earth would be wholly different if we did.

Currently, so much of our time is vested into thinking about the lives of others. We compare, want things to feel fair, desire others to be to us in a certain way, and because of that, we forget about our own participation. The focus is so much out there, where we perceive everyone else as the point to blame, as the reason for our lives not being the way we want it to be. However, I would argue, that this is all a strategy we use to not have to face ourselves. Because our own shit, that is tough, and that requires guts. It is easy to think that someone else is at fault, it is a lot harder to recognize how we as well are responsible for how things turned out.

Blame and anger. These are emotions that eats away at us. We might believe that we are standing up for ourselves when we decide to hold unto our anger against another. We might believe that we are doing the right thing when we catch another, and release our bent up irritations unto them. Though, at the end of the day, such inner conflicts and such outer conflicts, spurred by emotions, they never lead to anything constructive – instead there is more conflict, more emotion, more anger, resentment and hate.

What is forgotten is that the world is our mirror, and that what we feel about the world, that shows us something about ourselves. If we become pissed off at someone, because we feel that they are taking something from us, that only shows that we have an issue about that as well. Attacking the mirror does not help alleviating the conflict within, instead we have to turn inwards, and look at the source of everything.

While it might feel supportive to spend our time trying to change another, it is never realistic. I have never been able to change anyone. A few times I have supported another to change themselves, though, those few times, I have been completely stable and there has been no hidden agenda. The times I have had a hidden agenda, its not been possible to come through at all. We all know when we are being duped, and we do not want anyone to get into our heads – hence we will push them out. Thus, instead of trying to change my reactions by changing others, I know go directly to the source. And when I am stable, many times I have realized that it has not even been about the other, it has been all about me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change another because I am reacting, instead of pushing and willing myself to change the reactions I have towards them – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, how wanting to change another is a form of escapism, a way of trying to forget about myself and my process, make things easier for myself, to not have to see in what way I am responsible and how I am creating what is going on within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is always easier to take back responsibility to and as myself, to commit myself to look at how I am creating the point within me, and then to utilize the tools to support myself to get out of my rut – because I see that I can never move myself by trying to change another – by attempting to impose my idea of what would best for another to do – because I have to change myself – that is the only way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that I am a individual – that even in a relationship/agreement – I am still a individual and I am not a pair – and thus any form of change/movement is my responsibility – and it is never something that I can put unto another – I have to live it/do it/walk it for and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget my process of self-change/movement/direction – by placing my focus and attention on what my partner is doing and what my partner should change and what my partner should do differently – instead of me placing focus and attention on myself and my process and what I must do/live/create in order to make my life and the lives of others the best that it can be – and thus I see that placing focus unto me is self-empowering – because it is with myself that I have direct effect – here I can push for solutions/push for a way forward – and where I do not have to rely on another to be the way I want them to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do the changes that I see I have to do – and thus not focus on whether I perceive another is changing or not – as that only slows me down – that puts my focus unto stuff that I really cannot do anything with anyway –  and thus I commit myself to place my focus where it will make a difference – which is on myself – when I am focused on MYSELF and MY LIFE – MY WEAKNESSES – MY STRENGTHS – then I empowered and ready to make the changes that I need to progress and move forward

Self-commitment statements

When and as I am trying to change another, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that when I am trying to change another, I am missing myself, missing the point where I have power to actually do something, because with others, I do not have that power, in-fact, I cannot change another, and thus my effort and focus is wasted – the real place where I should put it – where it will be of value/support – is on myself – and thus I commit myself to focus on myself – to live that practically through applying self-forgiveness when a reaction arise, consistently writing and redefining words, and walking my process practically – and to when I have a problem – first of all – bring it back to myself to see whether I am able to find a solution


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Day 451: Why I Persist

One thing that I have found in my process is that they key to self-change is found in the basics. And with the basics, I am referring to the basic tools of self-change presented by Desteni: Writing, self-forgiveness, self-commitments, breath and corrective application. These are the five most potent tools that exist for self-change. They might seem too simple, however, that is what makes them effective. These tools can be applied almost everywhere and at any time – and with them the depths of self can be explored in detail. This is the reason why I have continued to use these tools now for soon a decade. With them I can change and become what I see is BEST for all – and consequently best for ME.

Unfortunately, many who join Desteni and begin to use the tools, have a expectation to achieve noticeable results faster than what is possible. The Desteni process and the offered tools however is a long term process. It will not move fast due to the simple reason that real and substantial self-change takes a lot of time. It also takes much discipline and effort. And regrettably, process is mostly not what I would call fun – it is not entertaining – it is instead challenging. Thus to stick with process and use the tools for the time required to see lasting results, for me, that has required a clear goal. I have derived the contents of my goal from a remembrance of my years as a young child. During those years I experienced myself fulfilled and free – and since I became older – I have desired to go back to that state of innocence and self-confidence. I realized early on that by using the Desteni tools I would be able to remove the emotional/feeling clutter hindering me from yet again returning to that state. Thus one of my goals, and what has pushed me to continue and return to the basics, has been that I have wanted to return to innocence – and live a free and fulfilled life.

Another goal/vision that I have held within me and that have motivated me to stick with the tools has been my desire to have a world that is best for me, best for all, and my desire to be part of creating that new life. This desire to achieve a significant change is something that I have returned to when things have gotten tough. I do not want to settle for what works. I want what is best – and giving myself to the purpose of creating what is best brings me real satisfaction. Living a life where only I, alone, reap the benefits is for me empty and without substance. To only care about what success I am able to achieve, it does not mean anything to me. I prosper when I am able to feel that what I am doing is contributing to upgrading life, and that I do when I sit down to write, when I apply self-forgiveness, and when I implement my forgiveness through correcting myself in a real time moment. That is having DIRECT effect.

The big difference, when comparing the Desteni process to other tools/theories/processes for self-change available, is that the Desteni tools are practical and concrete. In spirituality, issues are many times given a abstract solution. For example, lets say that a person suffers from social anxiety. In spirituality, a solution given could be: ‘You need to open yourself up more to the love in others and not fear meeting the unknown’. Though here it becomes problematic when applying this solution in physical reality – because how do you practically live ‘opening yourself up’ – how do you practically ‘not fear meeting the unknown’?

Here the Desteni tools, when used properly, instead give a practically applicable solution. To deal with social anxiety the following solutions could be applied: Write about the fear, investigate how it was created and apply self-forgiveness on the memories/energies associated with interacting with others. Then, to change the fear practically, start looking into the eyes of others, walk with a straight back, push your chest outwards and your shoulders slightly back, and breathe deeply and practice relaxing your muscles when fears comes up in social situations and start talking/interacting with the people there. There is a clear difference between spiritual/soft solutions and the direct concrete solutions that can be realized by utilizing the Desteni tools. And I have experienced marked sense of self-empowerment each time that I have been able to solve my issues, not only mentally, but also change my practical reality by changing how I interact with it.

And these are some of the reasons as to why I have kept on using the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, and self-corrective application, why I have persisted and stuck with the Desteni process, throughout the years. It has been a way for me to make the best of my life – and I am convinced that these tools would be able to benefit everyone and assist and support in expanding LIFE and in realizing our full potential.


Day 450: Changing The Cultures At Work

Recently I quit my job and moved unto a new employer, with new office, new colleagues, new routines, and a new culture. It has been very interesting, primarily, because I have been able to observe the difference in culture.

At my first job, there was a pressure and stress to the atmosphere. There was a lot of animosity under the surface, irritation because of changes in the organization, or just general dissatisfaction with the amount of work that was pressuring the employers. There was also this interesting tendency to reward/look positively at putting in long hours at the office. It was seen as good to work more, and I found myself, on a couple of occasions, competing with my colleagues about who was working the most. When I look back at it now, I find it fascinating, because there is absolutely no value in merely working – the focus – should be on the RESULT. If the result is dependent upon working more hours, then it might make sense – however if the result is instead dependent on the QUALITY of work put in – and not the quantity – then it does not make sense to put in more hours than what is needed.

Another point that was quite noticeable at my old work was the hierarchical structure and the competition existent between some of the co-workers. And mostly, the competition had to do about achieving a higher standing in the eyes of those higher up in the hierarchy. Many times this created a tense atmosphere, which led to mistakes being suppressed and withheld, rather than being opened up and discussed. Consequently, information sometimes got lost, and the organization as a whole lost strength.

Though, the most compromising point existent at my old office must have been gossip. It is a very destructive habit. It creates separation between individuals, it separate groups, creates many misunderstandings, and assumptions. Gossip, while it might sound as if a problem is being discussed and opened up, it is only a way of immersing oneself in emotions while attempting to destroy another and get backing from others to feel justified about it. Gossiping is cowardly and should not be allowed in any office. For a organization, gossip is like a illness. I would imagine, that the same organization, free from gossip, would be able to perform with 100 % more efficiency. However it is very difficult to do, because gossip easily becomes like an addiction. Then we become addicted to our problems as well, because they offer us opportunity to bring up our gossip and have others join in.

Hence, the big differences thus far that I have noticed, is not so much in the description of the work, but more in the culture existing at the office – and it is fascinating the impact that this culture can have on how the work is experienced. And culture is not something that is easily changed. In-fact, there are organizational experts and motivational speakers specialized in only changing the culture/the general approach of the employees of a workplace – and in most of the cases without much success. The reason for that, as I see it, is simple. It has not yet been effectively understood how the culture, the accepted and allowed set of behavior in a office, is created – and that employers must put in A LOT more resources into working with/directing the underlying problems that the employers have that come through as for example gossip.

One practical correction that I have applied at work in order to support myself to be more effective has been to push myself to be professional – to keep my relationships and myself directed and targeted at and towards fulfilling the goals/responsibilities of the organization. To do that, I have pushed myself to keep in my mind a overview – to see not only my own personal life – but to as well see how my position, and the actions I take in my position, influence and effect others. Doing that, I have also come to see the value in what I am doing. And due to this personal relationships has become less important, in favor of prioritizing fulfilling the responsibilities I have.

On a final note, I want to add that, when it comes to office politics and work environments, even though it might feel like we cannot change them, I cannot emphasize enough the importance of us taking back the initiative and ACTING. We cannot wait for others to change – if we want a different atmosphere – we have to create it – and that always begins with ourselves. If we want less gossip, first we must make sure that WE do not gossip. If we want less stress and more structure – then we must first make sure that WE live and create that for ourselves – that we stand as an example. And I have experienced this at my past work place – things do change when I change. As such, blame is NEVER valid – we always have the power and capacity to do something about our situation.

 


 

Day 449: Taking My Surroundings For Granted

I talked with a neighbor not so long ago. He shared some of his history to the place where we are living. He said that he felt so privileged to be able to wake up each day and interact with this environment. As I listened to him I could see what he was saying and also that I have been taking my house, my environment, the basics of each day, for granted in may ways. Thus, my neighbor inspired me to look into this tendency of mine, to take things for granted.

I have realized that my tendency is to take the basic things in life for granted. Such as the environment where I live. I live far out on the country-side – our house is surrounded by fields and trees, and not so far away is a fresh water lake. It is marvelous and it has been very supportive for me to live here. It has assisted and supported me to slow down, to ground myself, to become more stable. And, it has offered me many opportunities to expand on my interest in nature and in handcrafting. However, even though it is pretty amazing, I still take it for granted from time to time.

The primary reason that I have found as to why I take it for granted is because I become too involved in the thoughts in my mind, the useless, daily conversations taking place inside of my head, that lead nowhere. Instead of smelling the fresh air, and allowing my eyes to seep in the colors, and my ears, the sound, of this rural environment, I start to think about shit, that is of no relevance. An example would be, how I start to think about my job; am I doing it good enough? Or that I start to think about my future; am I at the right place in life? Should I be doing something different? Am I doing enough? Am I missing something?

There is really SO MUCH shit that we can spend our time thinking about. And it is quite fascinating that we do not see how insignificant and pointless these processes of thinking are. Where do they lead? Seldom anywhere, because just after we have started up one line of thinking, a new oe will appear, taking us into a different direction. There is really no coherence, consistency or common sense in how the thoughts in the mind move – it is a constant chatter – that have no practical value when it comes to living and participating in reality.

Thus, I want to push myself to not accept and allow this mind chatter, to not accept and allow this mind chatter to get in the way of me enjoying and participating in the beautiful place where I live. Because it is not possible to make the most of where I am at, if my attention is elsewhere, if I am instead in my mind, trying to figure out the next step, or the ‘right’ step. Fact is that, in my life at the moment, everything is set up for me to be able to slow down, and start enjoying/living/being part of this world. Thus, it is fascinating to see how small things become enlarged in the mind, how perspective is lost, and that what matters, and what is important becomes forgotten or diminished.

And then, what can be asked, is where I do the same in relation to other responsibilities/aspects/parts of my life? Where do I accept and allow irrelevant issues to cloud my clarity, my direction, my experience and living/taking part of my life fully. Small shit takes too much time, too much energy, too much life – it takes us too much away from life HERE – and it is HERE where our attention should be. Life is HERE – and it will not emerge suddenly, one day, when we have been able to find solutions to all of that clutter. Life is HERE and it will emerge when we make the decision, and decide to walk the process to make it happen.

 


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Day 448: Back To Basics

Changing the world. How do we do that?

If you have ever asked yourself this question, it is likely, that you as me, immediately started to look OUT THERE. What new laws do we need? What president must we elect and who must we remove from power? What problems are there that must be addressed? Climate change, wars, poverty, inequality?

I am not saying that it is wrong to pay attention to and push ourselves to create a difference in our external reality. There are indeed many things that we will have to direct if we want to see ourselves and this reality become its fullest potential. However, what is usually missed when the above question is asked, is how our INTERNAL and our immediate EXTERNAL reality, are equally as important, if not more so, than creating a definitive change in a larger context. Thus, a key I have found for myself is to be ready to get BACK to the BASICS. And in-fact, unless the basics are stable and functional – it is not possible to walk out and create a lasting impact in the bigger picture. I have seen this for myself many times. When I move out into world to direct a point, if I am not HERE, stable and able to direct the individual moments that come into my life, I will not be able to get through.

World change involves individual change. The world is made up out of many individual lives, and each life is affecting the whole. This is why no one can be free unless everyone is free. Because how can the world as a whole change for the better unless the individual parts that make up the world change? Making sure that we are living the best of ourselves in our personal and individual lives is thus more important than what it has been made out to be. And living our own fullest potential is not the same as ‘being a good person’ – it is about awakening and developing a substantial and sustainable relationship to LIFE – the PHYSICAL – all that which is here in this reality and that makes our lives possible.

When all of our focus is placed on the larger picture, it is easy to loose track of the SMALL. Though, it is in the small that change can be implemented immediately. It is in the small that we have direct access to define and live a change for and as ourselves. Take something as simple as waking up in the morning. How much could we change our experience of ourselves during a day, and indirectly, the people we run into, if we would wake up in the morning, immediately get out of the bad, and make the directive decision to face the world and what might come boldly, with enjoyment and curiosity. Our entire day would be different.

Change happens in a moment. And sure, when manifesting change in a larger context, there are several moments that link up, and that accumulates into a point of no return – where change is inevitable. Even so, in the big, we find the small – individual moments where the decision to change was made and then brought to LIFE by PRACTICAL action. It is thus important to always remember the small – what might seem insignificant seen in isolation – can be the one point that tips the scale. That is worthwhile to remember when the world out there seems overwhelming and too big to ever move forward in the direction we want. It is in the small that we have our POWER to effect CHANGE.


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Day 447: Self-Determination

Today I want to open up the word self-determination. In international law there exist a right of self-determination. It is defined in the context of the right for a group of people to decide their own direction/destiny. For example, the right for Swedish people to decide their own direction and not be bothered by other countries stepping in, and making decisions for the Swedish people.

In the context of SELF – self-determination, as I see it, is about me deciding WHO I AM. And this is not a right, it is a decision. The decision must be made in every moment, because otherwise, someone or something else will determine me. Especially in today’s world, where there a literally billions of distractions/temptations that all want a piece of our attention/life, it is important to be self-determined.

What does it mean to be self-determined? An example would be, that if I walk into a room, and in this room there are a couple of angry people that start to yell and scream at me – the principle of self-determination would be lived out through me deciding what word I am going to live and thus not accepting and allowing myself to REACT to the reactions/energies of the people in the room. Hence, it is about ACTING instead of REACTING.

And what does it mean to act instead of react? To act is a movement that comes from within self – there is clarity and understanding – acting is an expression of and as self and not merely something that is motivated and driven from within and as a energy. Hence, there is a distinct difference between acting and reacting, between self-determination and weak-mindedness. The difficult part of self-determination is pushing through those moments of reaction that will occur, because the reaction is tempting, it is the easy way, what feels right. If someone says or does something mean unto us, hell, we want to get back, because, it is the right thing to do? It is the just thing to do? However – it is clearly not the BEST thing to do. A self-determined act is thus never about making things even – it is about acting from the heart – seeing what is best – and realizing that potential practically.

It cannot be stressed enough – that self-determination is a key factor in being able to stand stable and solid in this world. Without self-determination we will be thrown around on the roller-coaster of life, with ups and downs, failures and successes, highs and lows. With self-determination, the ups and downs of life are immaterial – because regardless of what happens – I DECIDE who I am – I DETERMINE who I am. And thus, in the face of successes and failures, I am determined to remain STABLE – in the face of ups and downs – I am determined to remain clear – because I decide to live/do what is best for me.

There is no life path that is going to give me a stable/easy/predictable life – if I want stability in my life – I will have to live it and determine it for and as myself.

 


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Day 446: Finding Passion and Purpose

Passion and purpose. Things that I have had a tendency to look for out there. I am confident that I am not alone in that. It is like the words passion and purpose in themselves have a energy of exertion – towards/against something/someone else but self here.

Though, I have realized a couple of interesting points for myself as of late. I sat down to write on the words of passion and purpose and I ended up asking myself the following question. Is it even possible to SHARE/GIVE passion and purpose towards the world out there if we have not yet given ourselves these words within ourselves in our relationship towards ourselves?

I would say, NO, it is not possible. And the world as well as history is literally full of examples. People that have moved themselves arduously to create/manifest a particular outcome/goal that would empower/enrich humanity in some way – but that along the way forgot COMPLETELY about themselves. Let us look at the main character in the movie Kinsey, which is based on Alfred Kinsey, the famous sexologist who founded the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex. In the movie, Alfred Kinsey is depicted as utterly and wholly passionate with his project of mapping the sexual inclinations of the American people. Again and again, his stout determination comes through. He lives focused and purposefully.

Though, he might have been passionate and purposeful with his project to map out sex. However in the movie, he is depicted as having many character flaws and problems. One example being, that he works too much, and that he does not have time for his spouse and his children, or that he lets his work take over and change the way he relates to his family – making everything about what he is currently researching at his work. At the end of the movie, it becomes clear that he has worked too hard. His body is frail and he over exhausts himself. His purpose, his passion, becomes a drug – a way to hide from himself – and not a point of GIVING.

The movie Kinsey nicely exemplifies what I touched upon above. That real purpose and passion, it always begins from within. You cannot go out into the world and believe that you are going to make a lasting impact, unless you have effectively changed your own flaws. The same goes in relationships and agreements, you cannot attempt to support another to change, unless you have walked through and supported yourself to change that point. The within reflects the without.

I have realized that finding passion and purpose is the wrong way to look at it. Rather, the point is to CREATE passion and purpose, and begin living these words in the SMALL for and as myself – in my small world. Then, when I have established the words as a consistent part of my daily living – I can expand – and take on a slightly bigger point.

Hence, trying to find purpose would be a dead end alley. The point is rather to CREATE self in all ways – when that is done properly – purpose – or rather – a clear direction – will emerge naturally. And it is thus important to remember, that when we start to look for something to give us direction out there, it means that we have not yet given direction to our own process of self-creation.

 


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