Tag Archives: discomfort

Day 388: Lack of Time – Hell or Gift?

This week has been pretty hectic. A lot to do at work and many things to tend to at home. Time for my own projects and interests is a rarity and action is required when there is an opportunity – else – there is simply not enough time. In a way – it is supportive – time scarcity helps me to act – live – move – and not use my time unnecessarily – for example by indulging in entertainment. It also assists and supports me to push my self-agreement – because now I must find my primary source pleasure and enjoyment in things/activities such as work/responsibilities/chores etc, aka things that I would rather not be doing.

It is challenging, but it can be made enjoyable to live with pressure with regards to time. What makes the difference is how I approach it. The same goes for most type of problems. It can either be an issue – or it can be a gift – it all depends on what I decide to do – how I decide to be in relation to the challenge that is ahead of me. A responsibility can either be a tedious must-do – or an opportunity for me to expand and learn a new skill.

One example that is relevant for me at the moment is housekeeping work. It is very important that this responsibility is tended to. Housekeeping keeps the members of the family fed, clothed, healthy – supplied with a clean and organized environment. Without the basic needs of food, clothing, a hygienic environment – it becomes impossible to live a fulfilling life. Even so – housekeeping tends to be given a backseat. We look at it as a unfortunate necessity – something that we have to do – but that we rather would not like to be doing. It is strange – considering the importance of it. We do not attach the value to housekeeping that it deserves – I usually see cleaning and tending to my house as a nuisance – and a blockage I have to get around in order to move towards the things I really would like to get involved within.

For me – this value dissonance is something that I have created through connecting feelings and emotions to the activity instead of seeing the activity for what it is – and seeing the outflow of and opportunities/gifts existent within the activity. The value of the activity is measured by looking at its outflow – what type of support is created and how many lives are touched. It is impractical to use emotions and feelings to evaluate whether something is important or not – whether something should be done or not. Emotions and feelings are energy – and lacks a clear relationship to this physical reality – they just appear – either positive or negative – and for different reasons – many of us, me being one of them, associate cleaning/housekeeping to a negative emotion.

My problem with housekeeping has to do with my childhood and the relationship my parents had to chores and responsibilities – that I imprinted. My parents associated cleaning with stress, boredom, irritation and forcefulness – when it was time to clean – my mother used to become hard and authoritative – and I used to be ordered harshly to participate in some way. I never experienced housekeeping as fun or valuable – it was instead pictured as a necessary evil – a thing that we had to do – but that we did not really want to do. I also came to associate cleaning with conflicts, anger and irritation. This was because my mother would become irritated at my father because he did not clean as much as she did. It was a mess.

Instead of seeing cleaning as a unwelcome burden it can be experienced/seen as an opportunity to be grateful for and connect with all the various things in my home that supports me in my life. It can also be seen as an opportunity to practice self-movement – physical awareness of my body – where I train myself to move with full awareness of all the details of my physical body. It is also an opportunity to practice specificity and precision. How exact am I able to become in how I structure, define, nurture and care for my environment? How exact am I able to become in my relationship with the things that I own? Do all of the things I own have a clear and specific purpose in my life and do I care for them effectively?

What I have found in my process thus far is that the most support is many times found in that which I resist. Housekeeping is one of those points. It can easily be glanced over. However when I look at the opportunities and gifts that can be lived in this simple and rudimentary task – I see that I have not pursued cleaning/housekeeping the way I could have. There is still a lot to be explored and developed in this area of my life. And that is great – because given my current time constraints – I need to be able to develop enjoyment/expansion in ALL parts of my life – and not only the parts that I naturally enjoy.



Day 377: Why Limit Self-Creation?

“There is no time for me to express! Work, labor, having to get money to survive, it is using up all of my time!”
Recognize this backchat and the oftentimes accompanying emotions of stress, pressure, regret and nervousness? Since I began working full time, I have been finding myself thinking this a couple of times, because working, compared to studying, time wise there is a huge difference. Work requires a different form of investment, you must be physically at work, you must push and drive yourself forward, there is usually a lack of time, and there must be results. When studying, you can read your books wherever you like, and you choose your level of ambition, where you want position your standards so to speak. All in all, studying is a lot more flexible and less physically demanding.

However, we live in a world where work is mandatory. We live in a world where our time must be used to get money so that we can survive. We live in a world where money gives us the right to exist – and hence – we HAVE to work – there is no other way around it. Even though we would ideally like to spend all of our time exploring our hobbies and interests, it is not possible, not yet at least. Thus, for me, it is been big changeover, going from studies to work. And one point that I have had to remind myself of continuously is that it is not about WHAT I DO – it is about WHO I AM within what I do. And I do see this understanding as the solution to the inner conflict, because when I stop placing a focus on where I should be, what I should be doing, who I should be meeting, I open up a space for myself, HERE, that I can step into – and then from there – step into the REAL world. And the real world is never set up according to my expectations, though it is in the real world where I have the opportunity to influence, to change, to move, to push; to CREATE myself – and that is meaningful.

SELF-CREATION is the forgotten ingredient in all of our lives. It has become normal to look for something or someone out there to make ourselves feel whole, our lives meaningful, though regardless of how much we look, regardless of the places we visit, the homes we build, the works we get, the people we meet, the hobbies we acquire – unless SELF-CREATION is part of the equation – everything we do feels incomplete – it lacks that something we cannot really put our finger on.

Hence – WORK – and the time we spend there – it is all about WHAT WE MAKE OF IT – it is time that we can use to CREATE ourselves – or it is time that we can waste feeling stuck/controlled/diminished. This is the choice we have – to either fully immerse ourselves in all aspects and parts of our lives and use our time to CREATE – or remain stuck in an illusory world of ideals, hopes and dreams for something better and more.

I have decided to embrace work as a part of my life – as a part of WHO I AM – and I have decided to make work a part of my life where I am CREATING MYSELF.


Learn more about this way of living:

Day 72: Addiction To Fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to, and enslaved to fear, and stress – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself in seeing how much of my life, how much of my thoughts, my actions, and my daily participation is based on fear of survival – and how fear is the reason that I am not able to live here in every breath – because I constantly use my mind to project myself into the future, in order to attempt to control my future in fear of survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to control my future, and to within this fear that I will not be able to stabilize myself in the world system, and make anything out of myself, because I will not be able to create a effective, and sustainable relationship with money, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry, and to experience, anxiety, and stress – and to feel that I am in a bad world, a ruthless world, and that the only way for me to exist is to fear, and to make sure that I fear everything, because apparently that strengthens my ability to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to beat the system from a starting point of fear, wherein I will try to maneuver myself so that I won’t loose in this world, and with loose meaning that I loose money, that I loose my stability, that I loose access to finances, and that my life because of this becomes unstable, unsustainable, and unpredictable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and anxiety that my life is going to be unpredictable in the future, and that I am not going to know, or be able to prepare myself for the future, but that I will instead loose myself in this world, and become one of those millions of people with no home, with no voice, with no money, with no purpose, that have been rejected and secluded by the system, and that are doomed to exist on the outskirts of the system barely surviving; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself, and to hold myself back form walking into and standing within and as the system, through giving into fear, and accepting and allowing fear to become my god – instead I standing as my own god as self-directive principle in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear, and anxiety in relation to what grade, and what mark I might get on the classes of this term, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that unless I get a superior grade, that is better, and more effective than any others, that I won’t get a effective job, and that I because of that won’t be able to support myself, and I won’t be able to support another, and that thus my reality, and my world will become unpredictable, and I won’t really know, or understand what it is that I am going to do to sort things out; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear, and to live in anxiety, and to live in stress towards the future, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand, that regardless of whether I stress or not – I can’t control the future – I can’t access and have full and complete control – and thus the solution is to let go of fear – to let go of anxiety – and to accept and allow myself to breath and bring myself back into my human physical body – back here to physical breath, and physical movement, to not anymore be possessed by the mind as fear but instead live physical and practically here in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety, and fear that I won’t get the best marks, in fear that I won’t get the best job, in fear that I will thus be a failure in my life, and I will not have access to any point in the system wherein I can be considered as a winner, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as, and become a victim to stress, a victim to fear, and to make and design my entire living around fear – wherein I move myself in fear, I interact in fear, I think in fear, I make decisions in fear, and I breath in fear, instead of accepting and allowing myself to realize that being in fear is not living – it’s not in-fact standing – it’s instead being dead, and being a slave to a energy; as such I commit myself to bring myself back here and to stop living in fear – and instead live fully in every moment so that there will be no regret when I die

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry within me this huge burden of fear, and anxiety towards the future, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this huge, and massive energy of fear within me limits me, and how it in-facts makes my daily living to be uncomfortable, and to be very undesirable, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a deep breath and bring myself back here to the physical, and give myself the opportunity to let go of all fear and instead focus upon living – because in living fully there is no room for fear, there is no room for though, there is no room for backchat, there is no room for any mental hidden secretive reality, because I am fully here – fully present – one and equal with and as the moment as myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to fail in making money for myself in the future, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it a pattern to participate in ideas, and beliefs of myself, that I am a failure, and that I must watch out in my life, because if I don’t make sure that I am prepared, and that I walk in fear, I am going to fail, and within that make my life a living hell; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not say stop, and realize that I decide who I am, and that I am not a failure only because a thought in my mind comes up saying that I am, because I have the opportunity to direct myself, and to decide how I will accept and allow myself to exist, and how I will accept and allow myself to experience myself within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of any hopes, and expectations that my life will work out, and that my life will be comfortable, and within this embrace the worst possible outcome, realizing that I must stand stable, calm, and directive in the worst possible outcome, else I am not real, but merely a product of my environment; as such I commit myself to embrace, and stand stable in the worst possible outcome – and thus stop my fear of the future

When and as I see I go into fear about the future, or about my studies, or about how I will make money in the future, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I decide who I am, not the fear, and that I decide what I will accept and allow within and as myself, not the mind; as such I commit myself to decide that I am no longer a slave to fear but that I will instead live completely and fully in every moment so that there is no room for a mental reality within me

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Day 64: Reactions Are My Friends

Lately I’ve been feeling some frustrations, and irritations, and this is because there has come up lots of new “material” so to speak, within me, that is here for me to work with. So, I am first going to share with you reading this blog, my perspective on reactions, and how I actually see discomfort, frustrations, and irritations, not as my enemies but as my friends.

So, first a little context: For some months me and my partner lived far away from each-other, and we didn’t have any direct physical contact, and then maybe a week ago we met together again in the physical and started to live with each other again. I mean, I find this place, to live close with another human being such a great place for me to face myself, because really, there is absolutely no way to run away from myself. Every little point that I hold unto will become accentuated, and it will come up in my face ready to be forgiven; and this is simply an outflow of being so close to another human being.

I mean, the general idea in society, and with human beings is that a relationship should be easy, flawless, and that any negative experience is apparently bad, and should be avoided like the pest. From my perspective this is a very limited understanding, because really, negative experiences, and especially those that come up frequently in relationships, they are simply great. Now, why do I say that?

Consider the following: what exists within you, and comes up within you, it doesn’t ever get into you so to speak, it’s not like somebody else come up to you and insert it, and say: “hey you, here you have this emotion” – no: if you observe yourself closely you will see that what you experience as negative emotions, and thoughts that come up within you, I mean they arise from within. The person that might be in your vicinity as this happens, they serve as the trigger point, they serve as the memory-activator; and as such – through their behavior, tonalities, word-usage, facial expressions, movements, decisions, eye movements, they will activate stuff within you that have been there for your entire life, and that was actually, for the most part, installed within you at a very early age – from 0 to 7 years.

etsy-is-a-haven-of-home-made-valentines-day-gifts-for-pets-warning-your-dog-might-hate-you-if-you-make-him-wear-this-18-snood-hatThus, this is why it’s such a gift to experience yourself as shit with people, and to face those really uncomfortable, and nasty experiences that come up inside: because that is YOU – the YOU you’ve tried to hide from your entire life: and this is why you’ve decided to avoid certain points in your life, certain people, contexts, and events – because they would serve as a trigger point that would force you to come face to face with yourself.

This is why I apply a simply principle in my life, and that is that I go where I face resistance, and discomfort: because what do I know? I know that these are the places where I will face the real me, the hidden, suppressed, and denied parts of myself, that I’ve forgotten and shoved into my unconscious mind to never have to be seen, or faced again: yet – in walking into this situations, or meeting particular people – here these experiences arise within me.

Thus – facing people, situations, and relationships that are difficult because they bring up difficult truths about yourself, that is the best place to be, because then you can through applying specific self-forgiveness, and walking specific self-corrective statements, correct and change yourself, and thus empower yourself to be able to stand untouchable, and unmovable in ALL contexts, situations, events, and with ALL people. That is real power – to be able to stand regardless of what comes your way.

As such I am grateful to be able to walk with my partner, and face the discomforts that arise from within, because through this I will be able to birth myself as life from the physical, in taking responsibility for what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become, and correct myself into and as living stability, assertiveness, and giving life to myself, as not allowing myself to change based upon external circumstances and the energies that these points trigger.

This is also why Desteni have suggested to not avoid, or run away from relationships; but to instead face who you are within them – because you’ll be able to learn a lot about yourself!

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to admit to myself that what I am facing in a relationship is not the other person, but it’s myself, as who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become, and how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create myself within myself, as not being in full directive control of myself as my mind, but instead being a slave to emotions, feelings, thoughts; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not utilize the point of a relationship in order to face myself in reality, and be open with myself, and to see how it is that I exist within me, too through this be able to take a stand within myself and change myself to not anymore be moved, directed, or limited by and through the mind as emotions, feelings, thoughts, and backchat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize, and understand that in living closely with another human being, I will face myself, and I will get to know all of myself, not only the fuzzy and soft parts of myself as feelings, but also the parts of myself that I don’t want to recognize, that I don’t want to see and that I’ve not directed but instead run from through my entire life; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here to breath, to stabilize myself, and direct myself to start walking my shit that comes up when I am in a relationship with another, to as such stabilize myself, and perfect myself to remain stable, calm, and directive in all situations, in all contexts, and with all people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the reason I’ve decided to run away from relationships in my life, is not because the relationships have been bad for me, but because I’ve not been willing to face myself intimately, and directly, within and as self-honesty within them, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to face, and walk into the points in my life, and reality that I resist; in realizing, and understanding that this is where I am going to face myself – that this is where I am going to find myself, and thus be able to see myself, and through that find the necessary points to release and change through self-forgiveness, and self-commitment statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner, to blame another for what I experience within me, for the thoughts that come up within me, for how I accept and allow myself to be controlled, directed, and ruled by and as emotions, and feelings – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that blame is the epitome of escaping from myself, it’s the epitome and absoluteness of not wanting to face what it is that I’ve become, and how it is that I’ve created myself within and as myself; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare myself to stop blaming, and to within this dare to see, face, and direct myself in self-honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that blame is a back-door – it’s a way to justify one’s own limitations and saying that: “it’s not me! It’s them! It can’t be me, I am a positive human being and I shouldn’t experience myself this way!” – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that the bitter truth, the reality is that whatever comes up within me – it’s ME and it’s MY responsibility, and that another only serves as a trigger point to bring up dysfunctional relationships within me that I’ve created through the first 21 years of my life, mostly during the first phase of 0-7 years – as such what I am facing is myself as my unconscious mind, as that which I don’t want to admit to myself, as that which I’ve forgotten and suppressed, but that I did in-fact create as I came of age in this world, and grew up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that escaping from relationships is not a solution, because the problem is not the relationship, the problem is ME, as how I’ve designed myself through-out my life, and thus the solution is to direct, change, and move me to stand as self-perfection, as what is best for all – and not accepting and allowing myself to become unstable, to become emotional, to become possessed by and as various thought-patterns, various emotional patterns, memories, backchat, and other mind-based points that arise from within; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that being in a relationship is a perfect vantage point from which to face the mind – because here I will see myself as who I in-fact exist within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the reason as to why relationships do not become a point of support in human beings life’s, but instead a point of limitation, is because of blame, and is because neither partner want to take responsibility for their pre-programmed designs; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as the change, and stand as the point that ends this circle of limitation, to as such not accept and allow anymore limitation, anymore inferiority, any more blame – but to stand and direct my mind in realizing that the mind is my creation and thus it’s my responsibility to direct, and move the mind within and as oneness and equality HERE

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into blaming, and thinking that another creates what emerge within me, and that I am thus helpless to change, and direct, and move what goes on within me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that what I am facing in a relationship is always MYSELF and that this facing is brutal, it’s direct, it’s though, and as such the only way to walk it through is to be equally though, equally direct, and equally to the point, being brutally self-honest with myself and in-fact forgiving myself for what I’ve created within myself as self-limitation; as such I commit myself to change myself, and utilize the relationship as a self-support to discover, and reveal all parts of myself – and take responsibility for all of myself

When and as I see that I want to hide from myself as what I am facing within, through focusing on what another is doing, through trying to in my mind think that what I face is another’s fault, and that it apparently can’t be me because I don’t experience myself like this when I am alone, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize, and understand that what I face with another is always myself, and the reason why I don’t face it when I am alone, is because I’ve created layers, upon layers of protective shells, and made certain that I will not awake the beast within, but that I will remain secluded in my conscious mind and not have to experience anything of the reality of myself as what I’ve accumulated as myself during my lifetime; as such I commit myself to stop this pattern of running away and instead face myself directly, take responsibility for myself and stop blame – and realize that it’s a gift to react because it shows me who I am and opens up the opportunity for self-forgiveness, and self-directed change.

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Day 11: Test-anxiety (Part 1)

blog-exam-04182011This is my fifth term at the university and I’ve still not been able to effectively remove the test-anxiety I experience at the end of each semester when the final test is being held. Every time I become nervous, and filled with anxiety – and what I tend to do is that I stress-read, and simply overdo my studies to the extent where I study for up to 10 hours on a day – and then afterwards I am totally exhausted – because I’ve gone into my studying so intensively that I’ve not considered my human physical body, or myself for that matter – only studying for the upcoming test have existed within me.

This time around I’d like to change this point – and also make sure that I don’t experience anxiety as I am doing the test – because that anxiety greatly inhibits my ability to write the test effectively – so it would be awesome to go to my test, and write the test being completely calm, and relaxed.

Thus the first point that I will walk here in this blog is to locate all the particular fears that I have in relation to my studies – that come through has backchat, and thoughts – and have my loose my concentration and instead get caught in anxiety, and fear.

  1. I fear that I won’t get a good job after I’m done with studies – unless I get the best grade
  2. I fear that I will regret myself – and feel that I do everything I could – if I don’t get the best grade on my test – and I haven’t been running around spending all my time on studying for my test
  3. I fear that I won’t get as much done unless I use stress a way to motivate myself
  4. I fear that my parents will be dissatisfied with me unless I get the best grade
  5. I fear that I will become dissatisfied with myself if I don’t get the best grade
  6. I fear feeling useless, and worthless if I don’t get the best grade
  7. I fear that I won’t be the best – but that there will be others that receive better grades than me
  8. I fear that I will forget everything while doing the test
  9. I fear that there will come a extremely difficult question on the test, and because of that I will fail the test
  10. I fear that I will forget to prepare for everything in relation to the test – and thus not be able to do the test effectively
  11. I fear that I will simply fail on my test without understanding why – regardless of much I study – that I’ll simply not be able to walk my studies effectively enough
  12. I fear that I am not intelligent enough to be able to learn all the information before the test
  13. I fear that I will prepare myself wrong – and then not understand the test as I get it into my hands
  14. I fear that I won’t have as many opportunities in my future unless I get the best grade – because everyone will consider, and see me as someone that “didn’t get the best grades”
  15. I fear becoming ridiculed, and laughed at by others as being stupid, and not being able to get a good grade
  16. I fear that there is not enough time for me to prepare myself effectively, and that I will accordingly come unprepared to the test
  17. I fear that my mother will say to me that I could’ve done better
  18. I fear that my family will not be happy with me – as they are when I receive a good grade on my tests
  19. I fear relaxing, and breathing when I study – in fear that if I don’t use fear to study – that I will then not move myself as effectively, and fast – and thus be compromised

In my next blog I will begin to walk through this list point by point – and apply self-forgiveness, and self-commitment statements – and I will be done with the list in time for my test – so then I will be able to see whether my preparation

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Day 3: Chaos In My Mind

The last couple of day’s I’ve really been tested by my mind – and this have taken the shape of many severe emotional experiences – and within the processof facing all of these points I’ve made some fascinating observations about myself.So – the first observation that I’ve made is that – when I go into, and face very intense emotional experiences – I will within my mind utilize backchat, and thoughts in order to postpone applying self-forgiveness, and self-corrective statements on the point – usually the backchat will go something like this: “It doesn’t help anyway!” – “Man this insane! And there is nothing I can do about it!” – so the backchat is in nature self-victimizing – and also sometimes blame comes up as I think that my experience has something to do with a external point in my environment – and because of this I am apparently not able to change the point.

This backchat, and the thoughts – when I accept and allow myself to listen to them, and follow them – the result is that I “breath through” my experience – but I don’t bring myself to the point of applying self-forgiveness on the point – and as such I will remain in a state of “breathing through” the experience – which is more a state of being somewhat possessed by a energy yet not completely lost in the energy.

Today I could clearly see how I participated in this type of postponement thoughts – so I took action and started to apply self-forgiveness on the points that were coming up within me – in about 45 minutes I had effectively cleared my experience and I was stable, and silent within me – yet again I’d proven to myself that self-forgiveness is the most fantastic and effective tool – and that it’s only the mind that comes in within these sleek reasons as to why not to utilize self-forgiveness.

This have made me realize that – I really can’t trust ANYTHING that goes on in my mind in terms of saying to me what I should do – and shouldn’t – because what goes on in my mind does not show me how reality functions – I mean – my mind presented this idea that applying self-forgiveness would be of no use – because apparently the point I experienced – the emotions that I went through – they were to intense, and to many – yet still – when I pushed myself to walk through the point – I was able to do so – and bring myself back here into stability of breath.

Thus – it’s important to always remember – and stick to the basics – which is – breath – self-forgiveness – self-corrective applications – and writings – these are the tools of simplicity to DO work – and even though the mind have all sorts of reasons as to apparently why these tools do not work – and I shouldn’t bother applying them – it’s not true – because when I use them – I am able to produce visible results almost immediately.

For anyone having experiencing the same point – my suggestion is to go and apply the self-forgiveness – and do it out loud until the point has been cleared and you’re here yet again – stable and sound – in your body.

I also suggest that you read Arvyadas blog on this point – wherein Arvyadas shares how he’s walked through this point as well – and within this have realized that really – self-forgiveness is a tool that works – but what is required is that we must apply it – and walk it – as it won’t get done by itself.

Listening To My Body

For quite some time I’ve been bothered by lower back pain, which now have forced me to take action. I’ve as such decided to practice the fitness discipline of Pilates in order to support my body.

In order to go through with my plan I bought a monthly subscription in a nearby Pilates institute and I began my training the very same day. Now, this was a couple of days ago, and since then I’ve been going to the institute each day in order to train Pilates.

Yesterday as I came home from a Pilates session I experienced a extreme pain in my lower back which sustained itself for the entire evening, and on top of this I got a fever. So, I spent the rest of my day laying in the bed, and the couch, experiencing intense and uncomfortable pain.

Now, what I’ve realized in regards to this entire play-out is the following:

That I must learn to listen to my body and what it’s telling me. The reason I accumulated myself into and as severe back pain was because I practiced Pilates as the instructors of the Pilates institute told me, instead of me listening to what my body told me.

Thus – I overdid the exercises and I pushed myself above my limits, because my instructor told me to do so, instead of me taking it easy with myself, allowing my body to ease into the movements of Pilates.

I listened to my instructors more than to my own body because I thought of my instructors as authorities, and that they would know how much I should do and how hard I should push myself. Believing that because they have university educations, and much experience of Pilates, as well as the anatomy of the human physical body, that they know more than what I do, about how I experience myself as my human physical body, while obviously they don’t.

What I’ve realized is that no matter what type of thing that I practice, that I learn from others, that it’s absolutely stupid to take others as an authority upon the subject while regarding my direct experience of what I’m doing as irrelevant. Such an application of myself will lead me down the path of self-compromise, and this showed itself to me through the severe back pain I manifested. That was me compromising my insight and seeing of myself as the physical, giving into the belief that knowledge holds a higher value than direct experience.

The solution is for me to listen to my body at all times and never take another’s word as truth without practically testing it out for myself. Making sure that I don’t do something only because another have told me that it’s that way to do it, because I do know what’s good for me, and what’s bad for me, if I simply allow me to listen to what my body is telling me.

Further I realize that I can’t support myself effectively through comparing myself with others, as how others are pushing themselves in regards to the Pilates exercises, as each body is unique and requires a different approach. It’s exactly the same with process, where all walking different points, all with a different history, and as such my process can’t be compared to another’s, and there is no one right way to do things – instead I have to develop to skills of listening to myself, wherein I see what would support me, and then I do that – regardless of what others might do or say.

So, in essence the solution is self-honesty, to not be swayed in my decisions by external factors, even though they have a university education, or a respected position in the system. But to instead trust myself as the simplicity of common sense – that if my body hurt when I do an exercise, this is my body signalling to me that such an exercise should be done carefully and gently. Not pushed and forced just because others are able to do it.