Tag Archives: discussion

Day 415: Redefining Debate

When facts become about winning, that is when discussions will loose meaning, decisions will be made that makes no sense, and people will disagree with each-other just because, even though they might not disagree with one another on a factual level. In the western world, we call this phenomenon ‘debating’ – taking the-bait – and trying to overturn the opponent to ones own world view.

It is really interesting to look at the nature of debating, because what is really the point with it? If we enter a discussion with the mindset that we are going to convince the other person that we are right, while at the same time being convinced that we ourselves are right and the other is wrong, then how much space is there for us to actually learn something and reconsider our own points of view? Not that much I would say.

I have noticed with myself that I will, especially with my siblings, enter a debate mode. I will enter into the discussion with a certain point of view, this view will be challenged by my siblings, and then I will defend my view. The reason as to why I defend my view is because I fear losing, fear losing in the sense that my siblings will not agree with my perspective and the way I see things. Obviously, it is completely irrational, because my perspective will not disappear or become diminished only because someone else disagrees with it – if I see what I see – and I see that it is in-fact so – then why am I so fearful about what others say about it? On a physical level, there is nothing for me to lose.

In-fact, it is in reverse. When I approach a discussion from a starting point of wanting to convince another, I am closing myself off from hearing their perspective, hence, closing myself off from expanding and learning from another, thus actually creating loss within myself and my reality.

Hence, what is really going on here? Why is it that I feel a need to protect myself, my views, my perspectives, and to make sure that others agree with them? The way I see it, it is about insecurity, and because I build my self-image through others, and then, when others respect and agree with my views, apparently my self-image is strengthened, and when the opposite happens, it is weakened. If I however, would trust myself, and have a stable, constant self-image, not based upon the stimuli/response of others, then I would not be in fear of changing my point of view, and not in fear of allowing the perspective of another into me, for me to consider it unconditionally.

Hence, the solution that I see is to dare to step beyond ‘my information’ and ‘your information’ and see, realize and understand that it is simply different perspectives, different kinds of information, and that it does not matter who or what is the bearer of the information. What is important is the perspective in itself, the words in themselves, and whether they are supportive or not – and to be able to establish that – I must dare to be open and unconditional – and thus I will practice approaching discussions from this starting point. Hence this is how I will redefine ‘debating’; ‘A discussion with another to establish what information/perspective/direction is BEST and to support mutual growth and expansion for all participants’.

Additionally, a supportive principle to live by with regards to this point is to ‘investigate all things and hold unto that which is good‘.


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Day 277: Performance Paranoia

Today’s blog will be about performance paranoia. Now, what is then performance paranoia?

Well, performance paranoia is that voice that can come up in your mind, that movement of fear in your chest, that slight perspiration forming on your forehead, and that increase of your heart rate, that happens when – you in some way or another have to perform.

In my life at the moment, performance paranoia has come through strongly when it comes to work, and wanting to show my bosses and co-workers that I can do the job effectively, precisely, and without making mistakes. Thus, I have wished to perform before my colleagues, and this have caused performance paranoia, because the moment there is something I want to achieve from/through another, what happens? Fear is created.

So, if we look at the polarity construct of performance paranoia, it consists of, on the one hand the desire to be liked/accepted/validated, and on the other hand, the fear of reprimands/being disliked or pushed away. There is thus always a conflict going on when an action is motivated from within and as performance paranoia – the conflict between the desire to be liked and the fear of not being liked. That is obviously not a very cool way to live, and fascinatingly enough, such a mind pattern actually decreases and diminishes one’s capacity to perform. Because where is our attention? Not on what we are doing HERE – rather it is on what we should NOT do, and what we SHOULD do, and how others might, or might not potentially react to our actions.

What is the missing puzzle piece here? Why does performance paranoia exist to begin within? If we look at what is the underlying desire within performance paranoia, which is to be accepted/liked/valued/included, we can conclude that the root cause of this polarity construct is that self has not yet lived self-acceptance and self-love – and here I mean an unconditional self-acceptance, and a unconditional self-love. And further, self as not yet developed an ownership in relation to work and careerseeing, realizing and understanding that work and career are actually parts of self and not something that is to be achieved and created ‘out there’.

Thus, solution: Develop self-worth, self-value, self-acceptance, and self-love, particularly in relation to the work environment.

And now for the more difficult question, how is this practically done?

Well, one point that I see immediately is to stop harassing and judging myself when I make mistakes. Mistakes must be embraced and seen as a natural part of self-development – a natural part of any process of learning. Hence, even though another might become irritated and judgmental because I have made a mistake, I cannot accept and allow myself to be like that with myself. Regardless, I must stand within acceptance and self-love, and embrace the mistake. Though, that does not mean that I should simply accept myself as bad at something, no, it simply means that the self-development and improvement, where I push myself to excel, that movement must be birthed from within and as a sense of genuine joy, creativity, exploration, and desire to improve on myself – not from within and as a starting point of lack.

Another solution would be to give myself ownership of my work, to instead of ‘doing it for them’ – start doing it for me. And within this start pushing myself to really excel, be precise, specific, and detailed in all aspects of work, for myself, that is something that I do to challenge myself, and to become more effective at what I am doing – and within this make the starting point in this creation process that genuine joy that exists within challenging myself and expanding myself in skills and abilities.

The rewards of this would naturally be that work becomes something real, something I do for me, a place where I go and where I develop, expand, and push myself for myself, and not to be liked, or appreciated by another. And where work is not a place where I fear to be judged, because I have stopped self-judgment, and hence, work instead becomes a playground of exploration, where I have the opportunity to push and develop certain skills and abilities, and refine myself, and my capabilities in my chosen field even more.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have to change my relationship to work, that I cannot expect my bosses or colleagues to make my work rewarding, enjoyable, fascinating, and developing, I must create and build that myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to do that – I must claim ownership of my work, and my career, to within this see that my work, and my career is a part of me, and thus something I have to develop and create within me, and something that will reflect my relationship with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my relationship with work is my responsibility, and that I cannot give that over to anyone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to live fulfillment in my life, I must fulfill myself, and this is something that I do through a process of self-creation, where I actively, in all parts of my life, create myself, see how I can develop and expand myself, see how I can push my skills and abilities even further, see how I can become more effective, more stable, more directive, and learn more, and thus constantly push myself to expand – and I see, realize and understand, that this is the joy of living, working, and walking a career path, that there is constantly room for expansion and improvement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I actually enjoy my work – a lot – yet – when I accept and allow myself to become influenced by others, and their negative experiences to work, this causes me to lose sight of myself, and my own relationship with work, where I actually enjoy getting into specifics, details, reading, and pushing myself to develop myself intellectually – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that in order to really enjoy work, I require to open the flood gates of self-expression, and vest myself in my career, and my work, to get into it, and not hold back, to accept and embrace it as a part of me, and a part of my life, and thus something that it is my responsibility to create

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is a truth that goes in all aspects of my life, that it is up to me to create them, it is up to me to define them, it is up to me to find that within them which I can use to support, enhance and create myself – nothing will just happen – nothing will just come and find me one day – no – I must be the creator and create that which I want in my life – be the directive principle – be the movement – the initiator – the shaper of my own life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to except things to change, to expect things to happen, to expect things to become better, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it will not – I will have to make that change – I will have to make that improvement – I will have to create that change – it will not come by itself – it will not magically appear – either I create it – or it will not be here

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to make work my own, to take ownership, and to each day push myself to expand, to learn, to develop my skills, to enhance my abilities, and proceed forward in my development – and in this I see that I am myself responsible for my self-creation – and thus I commit myself to embrace that responsibility and make work my playground of self-creation – where I can expand and develop skills so that I become a better human being

I commit myself to take ownership of my process of self-creation, and see that there is a opportunity of for self-creation in all parts and aspects of my life, and that is up to me to find that point of self-creation – it is up to me to define that point of self-creation – and it is up to me to make it happen – and thus I commit myself to write a list of all points that I want to push and create in my life – and thus push my process of self-expansion and self-development – and understand that when things do not move forward – it is because I do not move forward

Finding Problems Instead of Solutions

I’ve had a cool realization today that I would like to share. It all began when I was with my mother in our shed. We where going to check out some windows, which we were then going to use in order to re-place our other one’s that are already installed on the house – because we’re going to take the already installed one’s down for a while, due to maintenance, and that is when we need the old windows to take their place.

So, we where in the shed inspecting windows and I noticed how dirty it was in the shed. There was shit everywhere – metal, bathtubs, toilets, building material – and I started to complain in my head that it was dirty; then I started to speak it.

I actually thought as I started to speak to my mother, about how I thought it was dirty in the shed, that I was being self-honest, thinking that I am revealing this mess that is here, I am showing this mess to my mother. But then I realized, after a while of speaking, in this starting point of pointing out the shit that was everywhere around me, that I wasn’t actually doing anything supportive at all. I wasn’t taking responsibility for the shit that was around me and I didn’t have it mind to do it either – I simply wanted to speak about it and point out the apparent badness of it to my mother.

I realized that I was doing this because I wanted to present myself as mature and as a know-it-all, as a grown-up, putting my mother on the spot through showing how badly she had things organized. It made me feel superior and strong and that is why I did it. So, I didn’t realize what I had done until I was actually finished with it. But as I spoke the last word I noticed how I felt funny inside, like almost ill, but not like a sickness, but as a feeling. And I realized this was because I had spoken and shared myself in a way that wasn’t supportive, that wasn’t what was best for all.

Though, this is only one of my realizations – in the moment just prior to my moment of apparent maturity, I had accepted and allowed myself to participate in a similar construct.

This time my mother was standing by the windows attempting to figure out how to solve the problem of closing the empty hole that would be created when we removed the windows for maintenance – as we’ve figured out that the old windows we first wanted to use was to small. My mother then asked me if I could possibly saw out a shape in plywood that would resemble the size of a window, so that we could push it into the to-be hole.

Here is where I then entered the construct, because I started to speak about how difficult this might be, and how it would probably fail – and I did this, firstly, without being completely certain that it would fail, secondly, without coming with any solutions myself – it was like I wanted to focus upon the negativity, and the prospect of a failure, simply in order to be able to feel mature and ‘realistic’ and have my mother perceive me as a experienced and sensible individual – for apparently knowing the limitations of construction work.

So, fascinating – two points of communication with my mother, where I instead of standing here as breath, working with solutions, and taking responsibility for my reality, instead went into negativity, as in wanting to find problems with my reality – so that I could feel superior and more mature than the people in my reality.

Quite the fuck-up. Time to stop this.