Tag Archives: dislike

Day 421: Being Able To Work With Everyone

Today I listened to a really good Eqafe interview called Leadership: Being Able to Work With Everyone – Quantum Mind Self Awareness. The point of working together with other people in projects was discussed, and one thing in particular resonated with me; we do not have to like the people we work with, or decide to coordinate a project together with.

I found this supportive, because I have had a tendency to make relationships, particularly in the work environment, personal, in the sense that I believe that the relationships must be personal for the work and communication to flow effectively. However, interestingly enough, at work this has proven to not be the case many, many times. In-fact, some of the people that I work the best with, is actually people that I do not get along with on a personal basis. And that is because – in work – there are not the same requirements, the same relationships, the same movement, needed as is the case in personal relationships – and believing that this is the case – that is making a mistake.

And this the case in a variety of relationships – I cannot use one and the same mold for all the various contexts that is part of my life – in order to be able to direct myself and live with common sense – what is required is that I practice seeing the purpose and starting point – the reason – why am I here? What is the point? When it comes to work, the reason and purpose is to handle the responsibilities according to the purpose and reason of that particular position in the system – and the success and failure of such a movement is not determined according to how personally satisfying and enjoyable the relationships are.

In-fact, this tendency of ours to believe that we need some form of ‘connection’ and ‘intimate experience’ towards a point in order for us to engage with it and be effective within it, is a pattern that I have seen in many, and that I myself allowed to control and direct many of the decision I made throughout my teenage years and early twenties. Not necessarily in relation to people, though the more in relation to hobbies, school work, and career choices – because my idea was that it had to be ‘fun’ – I had to have a ‘feel’ for it to actually move. I have learned now that is not needed – I do not need to feel – all I need to do is to move myself and then be consistent – the physical will sort out the rest.

Thus – conclusion: How I feel is not really relevant – because efficient relationships are dependent upon so many other points – and these can only be assessed in the PHYSICAL – because that is where we see the reality of ourselves and our lives. We might kick-ass at a job that we do not necessarily like, and oppositely, we might really suck at a job that we firmly and wholly love. To make sustainable decision in this world – what must take primary focus is what works IN THE PHYSICAL – not how we feel about things – and that is the skill of not taking things personally – not making things personal – but remaining objective.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must have a positive feeling and experience towards what I do, towards my work, towards my colleagues, for me to participate within the point and direct it effectively – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what is important is the physical – and whether I am compatible with the physical or not – that is the point of importance – not how I feel

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be friends with my colleagues for me to work effectively – that we must have a personal and intimate relationship for us to move and work effectively together – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is not the case – that a work-relationship does not have the same requirements as a personal relationship – and that it is up to me to define the starting point of the relationship which in turn will define the outcome of the relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become depressed and sad when I do not feel a positive and energetic experience towards work – and hence believe that there is something wrong – there is something that is off – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am in-fact making a thing out of me not feeling anything – not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am in-fact not supposed to feel anything – that work is and should simply be work – and that I do have the opportunity to push myself to live words and expand myself at work both within the various tasks of my work – and also within the relationships I have with people at work

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself interpreting, creating ideas, or preparing to make decisions within a relationship in my world with people, such as colleagues, or in relation to work, or with personal relationships, because I do not feel as I usually feel, or believe I must feel, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this idea that I have to feel something in order to move – it is not real – because what matters and counts in the physical – is physical feedback – is physical effectiveness – is physical compatibility – physical context – and hence I commit myself to make decisions according to what makes sense and what is best in the PHYSICAL – and not according to how I feel about a point or believe that I should feel – because such a starting point does not create the best decisions


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Day 332: Facing The Dark With A Smile

Relationships, often portrayed with positive words such as love, appreciate, protect, secure, adore, etc., however, the truth of a relationship is something different. In Sweden, my country of birth, the divorce rate is at 50-55 % in relation to the amount of people getting married, and the median marriage lasts for 10 years. From those numbers it is not a big leap to say that the portrayed image of relationships is not wholly accurate. And expressed coarsely, the image broadcasted of relationships is outright deceptive. Without a doubt, the major part of any relationship consists of conflicts, misunderstandings, compromises, emotions, competition, and all other forms of dysfunctional human behavior that we all inherit and learn as we come of age. That is not strange considering that we always bring our baggage as we enter into a new relationship, it is thus, impossible to create a lovely and peaceful paradise on this earth – UNLESS – we have created OURSELVES as that in our individual capacity.

There is though ways to deal with the ‘human element’ that we unfortunately bring with us as we enter into a new relationship. In this blog I am going discuss one important tool to use in the creation of a comfortable and supportive relationship – HUMOR – or – the ability to be CAREFREE in the face of adversity. This point opened recently for me as I have noticed a tendency that I have to take things very seriously. For example, I will have a discussion with my partner that then becomes more of a intense disagreement, where emotions arise within me. Instead of looking at the reason for the conflict, and why I reacted, and how to solve it, so that I do not need to walk through the same conflict situation again – what I have done is that I have focused on the idea that it is WRONG to have conflicts/arguments. And instead of expanding myself, approaching conflicts from this judgmental vantage point results in suppression of what is really going on within me.

Suppression is and has been the modus operandi of us human beings when it comes to dealing with difficult shit since ages back, and it is so clearly visible in our society. What is prison, punishment, and social exclusion but a suppression mechanism, where we remove the ‘bad’ and ‘unwanted’ dimensions of our communal experience and put it away, far away and hidden from our immediate sight, instead of looking at WHY, and HOW it happened, and what SOLUTION there is to deal with the problem once and for all? The technique of suppression is also readily applied in parenting. When children cry, or behave ‘badly’, we look at ways to suppress the behavior, either through rewards, such as praising, or sweets, or through punishments, and consequences, though seldom, we look at the cause and origin of the troublesome behavior – and hence we miss out on the opportunity to create a sustainable and long-term solution.

The question to ask ourselves is thus, WHY do we have such a difficult time in looking at the DARK, MALEFICENT, HORRIBLE, and UNWANTED within ourselves, our relationships, and society? From what I have already touched upon above, one of the reasons for this is because we JUDGE it, we are too uptight about it, we take it personally, react to it, believe it is something bad, and that we must just, immediately, without further consideration, put it away – far away.

Hence, getting back to relationships, what is then the solution for this way of looking at the dark within ourselves? How can we assist and support ourselves to ease up and be less serious about the shit that is going on both within and without? The way forward as I see it is HUMOR – because it has the property of taking the edge of things, to make things seem silly, and remove that big, heavy reaction of something being sooo BAD. And here, I am not saying that humor should be the end point, because obviously, we have to learn from our mistakes, reflect and look at them, in order to move forward – however – if we look at our mistakes in a state of reaction – our focus will become misplaced. Instead of unconditionally looking at ways to improve, our focal point will be on determining how bad we have been, and how we must now punish ourselves, to apparently through that, motivate ourselves to not be bad again. Though, it is not important to determine how bad, and wrong we have been, that which is of real substantial value is to find a lasting, sustainable solution for the future, so that we are able to prevent further consequences.

HUMOR sounds like YOU-MORE – because through humor we are able to get back to that CAREFREE state of looking at things unconditionally – and thus we are able to SEE more of ourselves – see the reality of things – because humor disarms, it cuts through the defenses, and it allows us to get a glimpse of what is actually going on, which then puts us in a position to implement changes.

Hence, conflicts, disagreements, and in general, shit that happens in a relationship, a way to disarm the seriousness of it all is through HUMOR – through seeing the stupid shit that we do and that it is many times totally insane – how can we fight and argue about such pointless things and believe that it is absolutely a matter of life and death to get our version of the story heard? It is insane, and that is what makes it so HILARIOUS. Humor, hence, is an important tool in the creation of a effective relationship with our partner, and ourselves.

And how to then practically apply humor in a moment? Well, let us say that we are in a situation where I am having a disagreement with my partner about whether or whether not to tidy up after myself when I have used the kitchen, where I will then go to great lengths to explain, and win my partner over, to my way of dealing with the kitchen, where apparently my way of doing things is of great practical value. Instead, I could in that moment see how ridiculous it is that I am standing here, talking about such a absolutely insignificant thing as to how to clean the kitchen, defending my way of doing things with all I got, when it really has no value or importance to me at all.

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Day 317: Redefining Work

I watched a School of Ultimate Living hangout on Redefining the word Work and it was very interesting and inspirational. The hangout covered the topic of resisting and disliking work – an experience most of us are probably able to relate to. I suspect that the majority of people desired to do something different than what they are now doing for a living. At least this is the case for me. My line of profession is not anywhere close to what I hoped to achieve and experience as a youth. However, as our world functions currently that is the reality we have to deal with. It is not likely or realistic that I will be able to make a living with music, painting, being a soccer pro or television host. There are few positions like that in our world, and likelihood that I would be able to achieve one of them is rather distant.

Thus, we live in a world that in many ways does not work effectively in terms of enabling us to fulfill our dreams, however, even though we are not able to individually and singlehandedly change how the current system operates, this does not mean that we are not able to change our experience of ourselves within it. The hangout I mentioned above covers the topic of how you are able to change your experience of yourself in work, and find purpose, enjoyment and satisfaction.

Past week I experimented with some of the suggestions that were given in the hangout. Hence, what I have done is that I have brought a percolator from home, some nice coffee beans, and a coffee grinder. Instead of drinking the coffee that the office provides, which does not taste good at all, I have now begun making my own coffee with freshly grounded beans. It takes longer than using the coffee machine, though, that is part of the experience. Making my own coffee like this is a way of slowing down for a moment, taking a breather, and giving myself a treat.

I have more ideas that I am planning to put into creation during the coming weeks. Among other things, I am going to decorate my room with plants, that will help to clean the air, and create a hospitable and inviting environment. I am further going to organize and clean my office, and make it optimal to suit my needs. These are small things, yet, for me to make a big difference. Because, with these small actions I am integrating myself in my environment, taking words such as care, purpose, and fulfillment, and living them practically in my life – creating my life to be MORE through making each day, and within that my work, an extension and expression of myself and not merely something I rush through in a state of dissatisfaction to be over and done with it.

This is not all. In the hangout what was also discussed is how important it is to live HERE, to embrace one’s work HERE, and not see it as merely a stepping stone to get to where we would like to be. It is easy to forget, but life does not exist in dreams about where we hope to go in our future, it is HERE. We might think that our current job offers no stimulation, no challenges, that it is a dead end, and that it will not lead us anywhere – however when we decide to approach our work from that starting point that is also what we create. The solution is to embrace where we are now, and open our eyes to the opportunities that are here. There might be some awesome colleagues that we have not pushed ourselves to get to know, because we have been so stuck in a negative experience towards work. Further, there might be projects, and other types of possibilities at work, that we have disregarded, for the same reason.

At my own office, I have discovered that there is plenty of opportunities to expand, particularly through getting involved in and starting up projects and groups that in different ways improve the working environment. An example would be taking the time to write down and share insights and experiences in relation to various work responsibilities with my colleagues, that will benefit the organization as a whole – and in that giving as I would like to receive. And this opens up another point, that to be able to have purpose and fulfillment in our lives, we must be willing to, and push ourselves to give. Because it is when we give, and we give unconditionally, that we  receive. This brings to memory a famous quote: ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country’ – and that can be changed into: ‘Ask not what your work can do for you, but what you can do for your work.

To summarize, what can be learned and taken from this hangout?

We create our lives, thus, the problem is not our environment, it is WHO WE ARE in relation to our environment. When we decide to become the best we can be to ourselves, and our current reality, then we will also experience a life filled with purpose, fulfillment and satisfaction.


Redefining Work

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Day 290: All-one or Lonely?

On a recurring basis I have an experience of feeling very lonely, misunderstood, and diminished, and this in relation to friends, acquaintances and other relatives. The core of the experience is that I think/believe that I do not fit in, and that I have done or said something wrong, which makes me lonely, and everyone else, a part of the family and social experience. Today I am going to look more closely at this experience.

The first thing I noticed as I brought this experience up within me is that it is a emotion (negative), and hence, there must be a feeling (positive) that I am also participating in. Fascinatingly enough, the positive side of this equation has not bothered me, because it feels good to be included, loved, and accepted. What I have not considered in those moments though is that to feel included, loved and accepted, I must also have, and participate in the other polarity, as no energetic polarity can exist with and by itself.

Hence, the first question, when have I throughout my last week felt included, loved and accepted? Well, I see that this happened as I communicated with a friend of mine, and after the talk, which I felt went really good, it was a deep, and intimate, I felt included, and accepted, as if I was an important part of my friends life. Then, some days later, as I was sitting with my friends again, they were all talking with each other, yet I had nothing to say, and so I sat back and observed them. I did not feel invited and tended to by them, and afterwards I started to feel lonely, misunderstood, and rejected. And there is the polarity.

Now, what is the core issue here? What is there core point that I am missing, and the word that is required to be redefined? From what I can see, one word that I require to redefine is Friendship – because that is basically were a lot of these experiences, both negative, and positive, arise from. The problem is that the word friendship is currently this positively charged word, which I have seen as the origin of such points as acceptance, and value – and hence because I have polarized the relationship with the word friendship it creates various energetic conflicts within me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for friendship, closeness, intimacy, and value in others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself as these words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for a role in the lives of others, where I feel that I am a part of something, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/define myself as being a part of life – as life – not seeing, realizing and understanding that I do not have to struggle, fight, and force myself in this life to be accepted – but that I can accept myself and stand as a part of life as life itself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to polarize the word relationship, and friendship, to exist within and as a positive polarity of feeling included, and a part of something, and a negative, of feeling lonely, pushed away and excluded – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself through living this word from within and as emotion and feelings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for intimacy, comfort and closeness with others, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the most important relationship in my life in which I require and have to establish intimacy, openness and comfort, which is with my own relationship with myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the word relationship and friendship as parts of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a drive to be accepted and to feel comfortable, a part of, and close to others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in pushing myself to exist in such a state, I am compromising and loosing myself, because I am not standing stable and firm within my purpose and direction in this life, and here I see that it is obvious that my purpose and direction in life is not to be accepted by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my integrity and my principles to be accepted by others – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view it as a superior success and completion when somebody seems to like me and they confer with me some of their bullshit – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself to have that in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to live the courage of walking my life with integrity and standing by my principles – where for example – I do not accept and allow myself to talk badly about others in order to be accepted – and I do not accept and allow myself to gossip or participate in gossip to feel included and accepted by a group of people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is easy to loose sight of what is important when in the world system, when in relationships, such as job relationships, and thus I commit myself to at all times keep an overview of things, keep a perspective, to see that my job and the relationships there are very specific in my life, and are not there to give me a feeling of closeness and intimacy, and that I am doing my work to survive, and pushing myself to be specific and walk my job description as effectively as possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when and as I accept and allow relationships to become my priority, then I loose perspective, then I loose sight on what is important, on what is relevant, and on my perspective on life – and thus I commit myself to stand with my perspective – seeing that I am walking this life to create what is best for all – to walk and create a purpose that I see is best for all – and in that I will stand with my integrity and principles – and I will not accept and allow myself to compromise myself to be liked and feel a part of something – as I will instead push myself to be effective, specific and disciplined in walking the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if I am going to live my life to be accepted by others and feel a part of the lives of others – then I am going to miss my life – I am going to miss myself – and I am going to become unfocused and loose my direction – as I am constantly looking at others – how others are moving – how others are thinking – what others are saying and not saying – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself – place the focus on ME – on where I am going – on what I am doing – and thus not accept and allow myself to loose myself and my direction through becoming all concerned with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the positive experiences of feeling included, feeling a part of something, feeling liked, and embraced, when I am participating with other people, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when and as I am participating in the positive, I am also creating the negative, thus creating the state of being of feeling excluded, inferior, pushed away and rejected – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to walk my life in stability – and fully express my potential – I must and require to stand alone – stand by myself – and not have this weakness in my of looking to others for safety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look in others for feeling safe and comfortable – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realizing and understand that I can stand as that point myself – and that I do not need and require someone else to be my safety and comfort – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself to have another like – so that I can feel they are my safety and comfort

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can develop that strength in me to be able to stand through all situations and stand alone – stand without anyone having my back – standing in this life – in this system – strong and stable – and not accepting and allowing anything to get to me – as I remain within and as breath and remain clear in my direction, my principles and my integrity – and remember/have an overview – as to why I am here and what I am doing in this lifetime

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into a state of feeling positive, included, liked, and embraced, as I am participating with others, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that when I am participating in the positive, I am equally creating the negative, thus, I am creating emotions for myself that I will have to walk through at a later stage – and thus I see, realize and understand that in order to fully stand stable in my life – I cannot accept and allow myself to remain within a positive state of feeling – thus I commit myself to participate with others in my life from a starting point and experience of stability – of silence – of standing with and as my human physical body here as breath

When and as I see myself going into a state of negativity, as feel rejected, pushed away and lonely, when or after I have participated with others, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this way of approaching relationships is not effective, as I am making my life about others, and being/feeling included, not about me walking this life, and standing with the purpose that I have given to myself, and what I want to build/create with and as my life – and thus I commit myself to stabilize myself – to remind myself of what is important – to keep my perspective and stand with my purpose as to what I am going to do in this life – so as to not loose myself in irrelevancies

Day 270: Social Anxiety and Misunderstandings

Today at work I faced an interesting situation. A couple of my colleagues and I were talking about an upcoming event at the office. They were in a light and playful mood, and started to joke with me. I found it interesting that in this moment, I did not experience this light and playful mood as something enjoyable, and inviting – my reaction was instead that of fear/anxiety/insecurity.

The reaction was quite strong, and the physical sensation was the of my body tensing up, especially in my calves. And as the reaction came up within me, yet another fear arose from within, the fear of: What if my colleagues are seeing what I am experiencing? What if they will not see me as one of those easy going, flowing, and comfortable-to-be-around people?

Thus what happened was that a initial reaction of insecurity, got coupled with a reaction of fear, and this then snowballed, and I found it difficult to settle down, breath, and relax my human physical, which I do know is an effective solution, especially when emotional reactions come up. Instead of breathing, and settling down, I tried to be more ‘up-beat’ and ‘get more into’ the joking and playful mood, however, this simply did not work but instead exacerbated the reaction. This shows that what I resist, will persist, it is not possible to counter a experience with its opposite, as that will only cause more friction – hence – a effective solution is to slow down and move back into my human physical body – understanding that it is nothing ‘out there’ that is required to be corrected – instead it is my relationship with and as myself that must be corrected.

Hence, what I see that I am doing many times, and that causes me to miss a moment, is that I place my focus on how others are reacting/perceive/experience me. Though, when an reaction emerge within me, the focus must be who I am within and as myself – and that must be that point that is forgiven – the reaction coming up from within.

Another point that I see is the point of fitting in, the desire to fit in and be considered as one in the group – that is a fear that comes up when I have a reaction/experience towards another – because if another notice what I am going through – will they then consider/see me as being one in the group?

Hence the play-out today I see as being a mix of several programs – though the core point is the Fear of What Others Might Think Of ME, or Do, or Say to Me – that is the underlying experiences that fuels these reactions – and the self-interest that I am holding unto that currently cause me to have difficulty to move through this experience.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others might think of me, say, or do to me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interact with others in a state of apprehension/holding back – where I am in a state of interpretation, and caution, trying to be aware of how another interprets me so that I can change myself to fit their personal mind settings – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself around others to fit in – instead of accepting and allowing myself to be myself – to express myself naturally and comfortable – and not accept and allow myself to change myself to be liked by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others have to say about me, and fear that others are talking behind my back, and saying that I am strange, different, and an outcast – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuel this view of myself that I am strange – that I am not the same as others – and that I require/must fit in – change myself – and be like a chameleon – in order to not cause a raucous and make others notice me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when speaking/sharing myself with my colleagues at work – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in this slight state of tension – where I feel like I am on my toes constantly – trying to read another and how they are expressing themselves – so that I can immediately change to accommodate that change and make the situation positive/comfortable for another – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being myself – to fear living/standing within and as stability when I am with others – and hence not accept and allow myself to give into my mind and start to interact with others from within and as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to change/rearrange myself to fit the minds of others – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of constant anxiety – preparation – where I try to be prepared for another and the attack that they might make on me – and that I must be there to make the save as fast as possible and then put something back that is hopefully seen/considered within a state of positivity as being something good – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my natural playful and enjoyable expression through giving into fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that fear is really one of the main creators of separation – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that fear indicates self-interest – and the self-interest in my case would be to avoid conflict/friction – where I want everyone to like me so that I do not have to experience myself embarrassed and disliked by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is a point of self-interest to want and desire to be liked by everyone – to be positively considered by everyone – to have a ‘good’ relationship with everyone – and with ‘good’ meaning – that everyone knows me, likes me, and considers me to be fun and popular

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a female saying something about me that was meant as a critique, and me taking that personally, and becoming sad, and judging myself for showing this sadness to others, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a fear of such an event repeating – and me again having to experience myself as being sad, and personally attacked – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of fear towards being personally attacked and having others define me as a weak and inferior person that they can use as a target for their attacks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be desperate to be liked, desperate to have others see/experience me in a positive/comfortable light, where they see me as being one of their friends/comrades – that they like/enjoy to be with – and that they want to have a lot to do with – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this self-interest within me is enticing fear/anxiety – and that I am creating separation through holding unto this desire because I am not accepting and allowing myself to be genuine – self-honest and real in my participation with others

Self-commitment statements

When and as I am communicating/speaking/interacting with others, and I notice myself beginning to tense up, and experience a fear, anxiety, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I make the focus of that moment to be me relaxing, me breathing, and me sharing myself from my oneness connection and being self-honest, and genuine in my expression, and thus not try and attempt to be more than myself, or less – but simply be genuine and real in the moment

I commit myself to practice self-honest and genuine participation with others – where I place my attention on my physical body and expression – and make it a point to share myself from within and as my oneness connection – and be real with others – and here I see that I cannot be real with others unless I am grounded – physical and here

When and as I see myself tense up, and change, because I perceive that another is reacting towards, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this reaction within me cannot be solved by me trying to be like I believe that another wants me to be – but must be solved by me letting go of this angst – and allowing myself to be real – realizing that REAL is something that I am only able to live/express/stand as – when I breathe effectively and ground myself in my physical – and stop these experiences/thoughts that come up from within

Day 239: Feeling criticized

Today I am going to open up a physical reaction that came up today as I was barbecuing.

Now, basically, I was standing by the barbeque, tending to the meat – and then another person enters into my environment. This person began to speak, and utilized a piercing tonality, where the words came out almost as punches, and very fast – no pauses and no natural rhythm. The words were in relation to the way I was cooking the meat – and the person had various suggestions as to how I could cook it – and what I should and shouldn’t do. Later on, the person began to share information, lot’s of information, for example historical facts, or considerations, and yet again the tone of the voice had this punch, and almost aggressiveness – and there was a rush in the pace.

As this person spoke I could notice that my body was tensing up, and I started to feel uncomfortable – specifically I noticed how my shoulders tightened and that my neck was bent slightly downwards – and the body shaped as if I was trying to crouch from enemy fire, dodging my head downwards as to not be hit. I also felt uneasy in my arms, I didn’t feel comfortable having them in any position, I didn’t know where the put them.

The thoughts I had about this person was judgmental in nature – I judged this person as speaking to fast, as being in energy, as being critical – and the way I responded physically was that I became more quiet, and I didn’t return to communication – the reason being that I felt forced to speak/agree/communicate in a certain way – and so not speaking was my way of trying to get back in control of the situation.

I can also see that I judged this person as being abusive, and not caring for his environment, and those around him – that he was all absorbed with himself, his own words – I can also see that I judged him as being smug and full of himself – pretentious and self-centered.

So – this event shows me a lot about myself – and what I can see is that this person is actually revealing many characteristics of my own, though I have them more on the inside – more repressed and hidden from the world – because I can see that I will in certain situations approach others within a smugness and pretentiousness – where I see myself as better than another. And equally will I at times speak in this almost aggressive, punching voice tonality – where each word is charged with a energy of rushing – trying to speak as much as possible in the shortest amount of time possible. Hence I can learn A LOT from this individual.

In the following I will apply self-forgiveness on the various reactions that I had towards this individual and direct the point utilizing self-commitment statements.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance towards person X when he is my surrounding area – because I perceive that X speaks aggressively, in fast paced bursts of punching energy – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this personally, to react and to feel as if I am threatened or diminished, and that I require to protect myself around X – through either talking back or cowering and hiding from these, what I perceive to be, attacks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X for making me feel attacked and aggressively treated, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the solution to this problem is that X leaves from my life, or that I shove him away, and do not interact with him anymore – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is not a solution, and not a effective way of directing the point, but rather a form of escapism – where I want to escape myself, and how I experience myself, through blaming my experience of myself unto another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X, and believe that it’s his fault that I experience myself as attacked – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the back of my mind think that he’s rude, that he is not pleasant to be around, that he’s not a very nice and courteous individual – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X for the way he is expressing himself – instead of seeing, realizing and understand that the very fact that I have these reactions within me, indicates that I do have the same issues and behavioral patterns as is the case with X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened by X, and when X is speaking – take a stance within myself as if expecting the worst, and believing that at any moment, I will be vehemently attacked – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself around X and not express and share myself fully – but only reveal so much of myself that I believe is safe – and that I believe will not cause any major, bad and negative experiences for me, where I am going to feel hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge X as being insensitive, and brutish, and without the ability to see how his words is affecting his environment – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto blame towards X, and feeling as if X has been, making my life more difficult than what it has to be, and has contributed to me feeling attacked, and criticized – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that the fact I am reacting this – shows that I am also accepting and allowing this type of program in my mind – where I accept and allow myself to not be sensitive to how my words influence and affect my environment – and where I instead just speak for the sake of speaking with no effective consideration and support for another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge X as being smug, pretentious and full of himself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to person X –and want to remove him from my world, believing that each time he comes into my world, he will make me feel bad, start sharing information, and facts with this superior body language, and tonality, and try to make himself more than me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am also accepting and allowing this very program to exist within me – and that person X is in-fact revealing to me how I am not yet effectively standing with regards to me approaching people, and situations, and sharing myself without ego – and without trying to impress upon others how effective I am with knowledge

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is obviously completely meaningless to judge X, and to try to push him out of my world – because the fact is that X is representing and showing parts of myself that I’ve not yet wanted to recognize and see – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that through interacting and being together with X I will be able to establish for myself where and how I exist as these patterns myself – and thus effectively work with my reactions of judgment that currently clouds my eyes – where I instead of seeing myself clearly – judge and suppress parts of myself that I don’t want to recognize

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s actually from the persons that I resist the most, and that I have the most reactions towards, that I am able to learn the most – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that instead of viewing my reactions towards X as a problem – I can instead see them as being the start of something new, and opening up a new area and part of my life that I’ve not yet been researching and looking into – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that X is in-fact giving me lot’s of information that I am able to use in order to open more of myself – and thus trying to push out X from my life, or judging X for who he is – is in-fact completely pointless and doesn’t lead to anything beneficial

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a state of and as inferiority, fear and cowering, because I perceive that another person is speaking aggressively, is speaking harshly, and with these very strong, and fiery words – I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that any reaction I have, indicates that there are points I’ve not yet dealt with, and doesn’t in-fact say anything about the other person – and thus I see, realize and understand that my interactions with this person in-fact represents and opportunity for me to get to know myself – and thus I commit myself to stop, and to see that the words are only words, that they are sound and possibly contain energy – yet they can’t harm or hurt me – or define me – thus I commit myself to breath and let the words pass through me

When and as I see that I am sharing information with another, from a starting point of thinking, and feeling that I know so much, that I am really well-read and extremely effective – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this way of sharing and giving information to another is in-fact a form of ego, where I am being smug and pretentious, and going into a state of superiority, where I believe myself to be more than another – and thus I see, realize and understand that the solution is to share information with a stable tonality here, making information, facts and knowledge equal to all parts of me as the physical; and thus I commit myself to not change in my physical presence and expression when I am sharing information with another – but instead remain here and breath – and stabilize myself with my voice – practicing a stable voice tonality

When and as I see that I am judging X as being insensitive, I immediately stop myself I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this judgment exists within me only because I am myself in moments living such an insensitivity, where I become the center of the world, where my energetic, feeling-experience because the most important thing that there is, and my world, and the experience of others in my world, in a way disappear, and everything that becomes important is myself, and my experience – and thus I commit myself to instead learn about myself from X – and to within this process – commit myself to when I share of myself – to be sensitive and aware of others and how my behavior and words influence them – and not take another for granted

Day 157: Its something wrong with me isn’t it?

Some days ago I listened an Eqafe interview about a man that died unexpectedly, yet very calmly and without any pain or discomfort. The point that hit home with me as I was listening to this Death Process Research was how this person throughout his life was in comparison to others, grounded into his physical body, and because of that experienced a relatively stable life – and he explained how this resulted in many human beings living more in their mind resisted him and approached him within a sense of inner conflict.

What this brought up within me was the point that when I see that someone in my world resists me, or have an emotional experience within themselves as they communicate or speak with me, that it’s not about ME necessarily, and that it’s not that I must change something about myself to soothe the situation, but that this particular moment can have many dimensions to it that I am not yet aware of – thus: My current approach, is that first look into myself to see if there is something that I am doing wrong, and I ask myself, why doesn’t this person like me? Why does this person become emotional around me? Is there something I am doing wrong? Is there something I should change about me? Why can’t everyone be as comfortable around me as they seem to be around person A?

Though, approaching a human-being that experience resistance, or a conflict within themselves, within these questions that I listed above, that is NOT effective, and it’s in-fact a form of insecurity and lack of self-confidence, because naturally, living self-confidence would imply that I would be stable, and the same regardless of what experience another human being approach me within and as.

Thus, I see that I require to practice this point further, to not attempt and try, and make it a goal within myself to assure that people like me, and to instead place my attention and focus on WHO I AM and what I accept and allow within and as me, and as such make certain within me that I am clear in every moment, and that I know WHO I AM, and that I know that the words I speak are what is best for all – because when that points stands – there is really nothing I am able to do to get another to like me, and there is really no point in getting another to like me if that implies me suppressing and compromising myself to fit in and present myself in a way that I hope will trigger within and as a another certain positive feelings of like and appreciation – it’s better that I instead use my time and my moments to approach people that I am more aligned with and that do not experience it as a drag to spend time with me. I mean, it’s fascinating to see how I’ve throughout my life, like a moth towards the light, been drawn to people that haven’t really aligned with me and my expression – and that I’ve due to that fought my way into friendship groups, and circles of trust – just to be accepted; While really – there has been people in my world that I’ve naturally aligned with, that have accepted me as who I am, and where I’ve been welcome – yet – those persons I’ve most of the time shut out as not being worthwhile and valuable enough to pursue a relationship with = which is ineffective.

The solution is obviously to align myself with people that I enjoy to communicate and express myself with, and where they enjoy doing the same with me, and not fight to get acceptance from someone that doesn’t seem to want in their life or world – that’s simply a waste of time.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see that someone is reacting emotionally or going into a resistance around me, to take it personally and believe that it’s something wrong with me, and that I require to change some part of me, and that I must push myself further to make sure that I am being accepted and recognized by this other person, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how obviously, it’s not something wrong with me, and that what makes another reacts, or go into resistance, is not something that I am able to control, and that I am not responsible for when I am certain that I am here, that I am clear, and that I am directive within and as myself as to what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that how I’ve spent much of my life, and my time here on earth attempting and trying to be accepted, and recognized by people that don’t want to recognize or accept me, and that I’ve thus attempted and try to fight myself into groups and circles of friendship, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself as who I am, and accept and allow myself to align myself with people in my world that I have and share a connection with and that I don’t have to fight or struggle to be accepted by – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my starting point as to why I interact with another, to be that of “I want to be accepted” – instead of accepting and allowing myself to instead make my starting point – that I am here – and that I express myself – and that I share myself – and that I stand responsible within and as myself as to what goes on within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become insecure about myself when I notice that another is reacting, or going into a resistance around me, and immediately believe that this is my fault, and that it’s because I can’t express myself properly and because I don’t fit in as I should, and I don’t express the way that I should, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s not about me, but that what goes in within another is their process, their mind, and their responsibility, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead give attention to me here within and as breath, as to what I will accept and allow, and place my focus on my expression, on my body, and on my breath, and on who I am here within and as every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become insecure about myself when and as I perceive that another doesn’t respond to me within like, and appreciation, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself, through becoming dependent upon others seeing, and experiencing themselves positive around me, for me to be stable in my expression, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not liking me, or for not being positive around me, and within this attempt and try to get them to like me, and to get them to be positive around me, in thinking that this is what I need and require for me to be stable, instead of accepting and allowing myself to stop all blame and to take full responsibility for who I am within and for what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow – and thus push myself to remain stable and consistent within and as my expression and movement of myself and as such make sure that I am not dependent upon someone else in my world for me to be natural, stable and consistent within who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that I must be accepted by everyone, recognized by everyone, and liked by everyone for me to be effective in my direction and movement in life, and for me to have effective and stable relationships – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is in-fact a self-limitation, and a state of self-sabotage, wherein I believe that I require someone else to change, before I change, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not view all persons and points in my world as self-support, and that when a emotion or feeling come up within me, that I utilize this moment as a moment of self-reflection, and seeing what programs still exists within me that I require to change and align into and as physical equality and oneness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept the fact that I can’t have everyone like me, and within this also realize, that the point is not that everyone should like me, or that everyone should be positive, and have an experience of friendship towards me, but that the point is instead that I make sure that I am stable, that I am here, that I am aligned into and as my human physical body and that I take responsibility for the points coming up within me, and that I align them into and as self-correction – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my life is a training ground, wherein I am facing all aspects of my mind, and that for each and every reaction coming up within me, there is an opportunity for me to get to know myself better, and to correct myself and push myself further to stand as physical stability and groundedness within and as every moment of breath

Self-commitments

I commit myself to practice self-confidence when and as I am moving myself throughout my life, through when and as I face situations wherein I perceive that another is resistant, or reacts towards me in a negative experience, that I don’t accept and allow this to influence my expression, but that I instead remain stable, silent, and grounded – and that I remain within and as breath and that I don’t go into insecurity and fear in wondering whether there is something wrong with me – and thus I commit myself to trust myself

I commit myself to stop attempting and trying, and searching to achieve acceptance from people in my world that I perceive to not like me, or not appreciate me, and I instead commit myself to place my focus and attention upon me, on who I am, and how I experience myself, and what I will accept and allow, and what I will not accept and allow – thus I commit myself to practice having my presence HERE with ME and my human physical body at all times – and not get sidestepped and begin looking at things from the perspective of how I believe others see or experience me