Tag Archives: dissatisfaction

Day 416: The Concrete Floor

Because I still have my holidays I have had time to commit to a couple of carpentry projects on the farm where I live. Some of them, I am really satisfied with, others, I am not. A few days ago I completed one of those projects which I am not satisfied with, at all.

The project was about casting a new concrete floor in the carpentry cabin on the farm. The floor was definitely in need of a remake, because it had a big hole in one section, a oil spill in another, and looked generally, quite rough. On my mothers initiative, it was thus decided to recast the floor. And I was on board and excited about the project, because I have never worked with concrete on my own before.

However, this excitement, and throwing myself into the project, was also, partly what caused me to in the end, be dissatisfied with the results. Because, without doing much research, my mother and I bought some bags of concrete, and without doing much research – except for making a few calls to check in with a couple of retailers – then I threw myself into blending, meshing and throwing the concrete.

The first thing that happened, was that we had not bought enough concrete. Hence, we were only able to cast roughly one fifth of the surface, and then we had to wait for a couple of days, until we were able to buy more concrete. Because of this a part of the new floor got a different color compared to the rest, and a slightly different height. Obviously, I was not very satisfied with that.

Then, the rest of the floor, because I had not done my research, it got a rough surface, not the floor-like, normal surface that I am used to. Further, the floor height was raised about 25-30 mm which made the height of the ceiling, in some areas, too low. All this because, I did not consider, reflect and look on the point beforehand. It was done impulsively, on a whim, and the results were equal and one to that.

When I looked how this happened, how I got carried away, I see that it has to do with the excitement I was experiencing in relation to the project, and also, a form of anxiety/fear of not being productive. The excitement point, well that is easy to understand, I was excited to get started and begin working. The anxiety/fear of not being productive, has to do with the belief/idea, that what counts is the finished product – and the physical labor that is put into creating that physical product. I have seen that my mother has the same belief. And the consequence of following/living according to this belief, is that the process of consideration/looking/preparation/planning will take a backseat – and the ‘doing’ will be placed in the forefront – causing unnecessary consequences – such as in this case. Because if I would have slowed down, and meticulously planned the point, undoubtedly the results would have been a lot better.

That is the lesson to be learned. However, instead of simply learning, and moving on, I got stuck in a loop of judging myself, where I thought that I could have known, that I should have slowed myself down, that I should have pushed myself to do the necessary planning. It was a form of torment within myself. When I looked at the point I realized that the origin point of this judgment was actually not that I was dissatisfied with the result – but that I had caused a ‘loss of money’ and time. According to the capitalistic mind-set, this project and the execution of it could be defined as a waste – however – for me it was not – because the process of walking the point – what I learned from it all – WHO I WAS within the execution – all of that is still with me – and that is not something that can be defined utilizing money or used time as a marker.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, and to feel bad, and become obsessed within myself of thinking that I should have, and could have created a better result, if I would have prepared myself more and done things differently, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself this character, thinking that it was a great loss, because I lost money, and I lost time, and apparently, I need to utilize these two resources to produce and manufacture, and create monetary value, so that I am able to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use money and time, and see money and time, as things that I have to be careful with, because I might waste them, and think that what must be done with this resources are to generate more monetary value into my world – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become fearful, anxious, and judgmental, when I perceive that I have used these resources to something ‘unnecessary’ and something that did not produce the necessary ‘monetary value’ that I believe is important

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not learn from my mistakes, and then empower myself through this learning, and do that without judging myself, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I learn better, that I learn more, that I learn faster, when and as I am judging myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, that no, I do not learn more only because i judge myself, this is an idea that I have created, and in-fact – I do not need any emotional experience within myself to SEE, UNDERSTAND and move on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become carried away by a rush of wanting and desiring to complete and produce and see the final results – instead of pushing myself to remain methodical, structured and calm – to slow down – and to allow each point in the process to take its time – to see, realize and understand that the value of life/living/expression is not in the finished product but in the process of movement/application/walking – and within and as WHO I AM in the moments of life/living/expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that from my mistakes, I can learn a lot, and I can do that without judgment, simply by seeing and recognizing what I am dissatisfied with, and then taking that with me, and changing myself – hence – it does not have to be – in anyway a emotional or reactive point – it can simply be me learning and then moving forward to apply what I have learned

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself becoming carried away, excited, and wanting to move ahead to the execution phase in a project, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that a project is not only about the execution, that I have to see the entirety of the point, slow down, look at it, consider, prepare, and plan – that in physical reality, when doing things that I have not done before – things will move a lot smoother, and without as many problems and issues, if I give myself time to consider and look at it – and thus I see, realize and understand that each point has its time to be created – and that there is no meaning or point in trying to stress and force a project to move forward – thus I commit myself to take the time required and needed for me to walk a point of creation with the necessary attention to detail and preparation that is required for me to be able to walk the point effectively and manifest my vision into creation – there is nothing wrong about something taking a lot of time to create – in-fact all things of value and substance do take time to put into creation

When and as I see myself judging myself for having made mistakes, for having moved to fast, without consideration, I take a breath, I stop myself, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand, that I can learn from my mistakes without judging myself, and that it is not ‘the whole world’ that I loose money and time because of mistakes and things that could have been avoided, its simply a consequence, and I can learn from it – and hence the time has not been wasted, the money is not wasted – because it is all about WHO I AM within and as the project/expression and what I take with myself


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Day 342: Creating Expansion, Movement and Challenges

A year ago I finished my education and some months thereafter I began my first job. I have now worked at this job for about a year, and up until some months ago, I found most of the activities within my job refreshing and enjoyable. Most of the things were new to me, and hence I was challenged daily, which I loved. I had to really push, and exert myself to learn and expand. Then without much warning, I was through the difficult times. I had learned the basics of the job, and I was moving myself quite effortlessly within my responsibilities.

What then opened up was an experience of boredom. I could see that I was plateauing in my growth process, however, I did not see that as my responsibility. I thought that the fault was in my job, and that I had now learned the basics of my position, and that there was thus nothing in it for me any longer. What started to come through more and more was emotions; blame, depression, tiredness, apathy and listlessness. I did not see the enjoyment in my work anymore, because the challenge was gone.

Looking back at my life, I have had a tendency of taking on a new craft or skill, pushing myself diligently to learn and master it, and then, when I started to feel as if I was plateauing, I would give up and move unto something different. The consequence of this behavior was that I did not learn something in depth – I was a jack of all trades, yet master of none. This is similar to what I have been going through recently, where my job is no longer a novelty and does not supply me with challenges, difficulties, and points to overcome. It has become a job, something I know, and have to do, and nothing more.

Now, when I look at this point, one thing that stands out is how I have approached tasks, projects, skills, and also work, within a form of laziness. Not laziness from the perspective that I  compromised my work, though laziness in the sense that I expected and wanted my work or the project to give me a challenge. Inside my mind, I viewed the point I was walking into as a ‘fun house’ that was supposed to refresh and charge me up – however when the novelty disappeared – that did not happen anymore. Hence, I was lazy from the perspective that I expected to be moved, to be inspired, to be stimulated, to be pushed, and I did not approach to point from the starting point of ME standing the point of taking responsibility for myself, that I would challenge myself, that I would push myself, that I would find ways and seek new venues and expressions, so that I could move and further myself within the particular skill/ability/project/work.

The problem thus has never been, with reference to this instance, my work – no – it has always been my relationship to work, how I decided to approach and look at work. Challenge, novelty, movement, expansion, and pushing myself, I should never have expected that my work would give that to me. Obviously, when something is new, it will for a moment be challenging, however, when that honeymoon phase is past, I must take responsibility to push myself, and expand myself within my profession. At that point I cannot rely upon my work doing anything for me. Instead, I must take matter into my own hands and actively look at where I am able to learn more, where I am able to expand, where I can push and enhance myself, and where I am able to further my expression.

It is fascinating thus to see, that so far, the technique that I have used to challenge myself, has been to look up and try to place myself in challenging environments, through changing jobs, changing education, or committing myself to a new hobby. Even though this has supported me and spiced things up, it has also been a limitation, as I have not taken the responsibility, taken matter into my own hands, and really, diligently pushed myself to expand where I was at.

And another thing to take into consideration is that I can only become really good at something, if I do it several times. If I only skim the surface, how can I then ever become an expert in my field? It is not possible. In-fact, it is not the routine and repetition in itself that has been bothering me, the big problem is that I react to routine and repetition and believe myself to be limited and contained. Though, this is not true, even though there might be routine and repetition in my life, there is always room to expand, explore, push, improve and move further.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that my job will reinvent itself, and stimulate me, and that my job is going to make my life enjoyable, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, that I am not able to rely upon my job, that I am not able to blame my job when I feel that I am stuck in a rut, without expanding or improving – and in-fact – the real problem is that I have not taken self-direction in my relationship with work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be stimulated instead of taking self-responsibility and looking at how I am able to stimulate myself within what I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to be stimulated – and thus not push and drive myself to expand – to look at how I am able to empower myself – strengthen myself – push myself – and will myself to become more effective within what I am doing – and thus I commit myself to each day – look at how I can expand – to never be satisfied with where I am at – but constantly push myself to reach new heights of expression and direction – to not be satisfied with being ‘good’ at something – but push myself to become excellent within what I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself to reach excellency – to use that as a motivation regardless of where I am at – to not accept and allow myself to be satisfied with mediocrity – to be average – to know something quite well – and quite effective – but to push myself to become an expert within what I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I plateau – this is when I must push myself – to look for ways in which I am able to expand and enhance myself – to look for ways in which I am able to acquire further skills – abilities – and strengths – to look at my life and critically examine it – to see if and whether I am able to do more – to see whether I am able to acquire and expand myself within some area of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame work as boring when I know it effectively – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that work should stimulate me – instead of me taking self-responsibility and making sure that I stand as the point of stimulation – that I stand as the point of self-responsibility – that I stand as the point of pushing myself forward – placing no limits on myself – and looking at how and where I am able to expand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not develop a passion for life – in the sense of always looking at how I am able to expand and move myself forward to the next stage of development

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not develop and push myself to create a passion for expansion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to reach and build a life where I am satisfied – not seeing, realizing and understanding, that satisfaction, oftentimes goes hand in hand with complacency – where we become lazy, and stop the process of exploration and movement that we would otherwise walk – and thus I commit myself to embrace dissatisfaction – to use it as a motivation to empower and move myself – to use it as a motivation to enhance myself – and bring myself to the next level of development

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that nothing is going to come by itself – that nothing is going to happen by itself – and that if I want challenges in my life – then I must actively pursue and create them – I must actively look at how I am able to make my life challenging – through for example – in my work – looking at how I am able to expand my understanding of work – of how I am able to take on more tasks and responsibilities at work – of looking at how I am able to really expand and become effective at my work

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself blaming my world, my reality, for being boring, not challenging, routine and repetition with no movement, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I stop – and I see, realize and understand, that for movement, change and expansion to happen, I must move myself, I must push myself, I cannot expect that things will simply happen by themselves, as they will not – and thus I commit myself to be on my toes – and to continuously be on the look out for how I am able to change myself – push and expand myself – and reach the next stage of development and expression

I commit myself to take self-responsibility for making my life challenging, expansive, fulfilling, and enjoyable – through not expecting to be stimulated – but rather – pushing and willing myself to improve and expand – constantly being on the look out for opportunities – and seizing the opportunities when they arise


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Day 16: Test-anxiety – Fearing Dissatisfaction (Part 6)

Because I’ve started to study for my exams I will be less active on this blog the coming weeks – and the blog posts will not be as long.

Here I will continue to write about test-anxiety – and all the aspects, and dimensions of this particular mind-experience. Today I will write about an interesting point – the fear that I will become dissatisfied with myself unless I get the best grade.

An interesting point that I am able to see in relation to this point is that I’ve defined, and experienced dissatisfaction in relation to what grade I receive – which is the same as how my environment responds to my living – and within this I’ve not considered, or looked at me being dissatisfied, or satisfied with myself – myself being who I’ve been in relation to studying for my test, and doing the test; I mean – it’s interesting that I only consider the reaction I receive to my labor, and that I don’t consider my labor within itself – and that I simply disregard that point as being not relevant, while as a matter of a fact – it’s this point that is important.

Because – the WHO I AM point – that is the point that I am directly responsible for, that is the point that I know I am able to change – the other part of how my teachers will evaluate my performance – that is a point I have less control over – and as such it’s common sense that satisfaction, or dissatisfaction with myself – should not be in relation to something that I have no control over, but be in relation to that which I do have control over – and that I am directly responsible for.

And what am I then directly responsible for in relation to my studies, and what would imply me being satisfied with myself in relation to my studies? I can see that satisfaction should be something that I experience when I’ve studied for my exams to my utmost potential – when I’ve given it my all, and I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to compromise in anyway what-so-ever – but I’ve sat down, and read what must be read – and done my preparations for the test as effectively as I am able to do – then I should be satisfied with myself regardless of the outcome of the test – because I’ve done everything that I am able to do.

Dissatisfied with myself is something that I should be when I’ve not done everything I could do – but I’ve instead been slacking, not wanting to put in the time, and effort – not wanting walk that extra mile in order to truly perfect my knowledge within a certain subject, or learn the subject by heart – knowing everything automatically and being able to repeat it without effort – because I’ve integrated the knowledge into my very flesh. This is thus when I should be dissatisfied with myself – that is real dissatisfaction – to be dissatisfied because I get a bad grade – I mean – that is not something that is directly related to WHO I AM – and as such shouldn’t be apart of my experience of myself.

Surely – the WHO I AM affects and determines my grades to a certain extent – yet there is always that point of unpredictability, and uncertainty when dealing with the education system – where you can’t be sure how the teacher have responded to your efforts of bringing through the knowledge you’ve learned – as such – this external part as the grades – shouldn’t be the foundation within which I base my experience of me – instead I should be my own foundation – and this foundation should be directly related to my movement, direction, and participation in this world – as to whether this movement of myself is what is best for all – or not.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define satisfaction, and dissatisfaction in relation to external points in my world – that aren’t directly related to WHO I AM – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss myself, and to really – hide from myself – to not have to see that what reactions I receive in my external world is not – or doesn’t necessarily have anything to do about me – and as such it’s not common sense to define my experience of myself – to define who I am – according to my external reality as what reactions that I receive; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring dissatisfaction, and satisfaction back to myself – and live these words in relation to ME – HERE – as self-movement – self-direction – and participation in each and every moment – defining this words according to my ability to live what is best for all – being dissatisfied when I’ve not been capable of doing this – and satisfied when I’ve been capable of doing this

Self-commitments

When, and as I see that I am defining satisfaction, and dissatisfaction in separation from myself – looking at these words through looking at how others responds to me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I commit myself to bring these words back to me – and to when I look at whether I am satisfied, or dissatisfied with a particular point – to look at WHO I’VE BEEN in relation to the point – because that is my responsibility – that is my point within which I must take a stand – and as for my external reality – I am not in full control and not able to say that this point is something that I am directly responsible for – as such I commit myself to look at myself – my self-honesty – my participation – and my breath-to-breath living – when I evaluate whether I am satisfied, or dissatisfied with myself