Tag Archives: equal life party

De-constructing my Money-Construct Part: 3

During one point in my life I decided I was going to make money. At that time I had gotten home from Thailand and I didn’t have anything in particular to do – thus I decided I was going to travel to Norway in order to make myself money.

Thus – I placed myself on a bus heading to Norway. I got of and I ventured to my hostel and I placed all of my baggage on my bed. During the following two weeks I would experience the most intense anxiety and fear that I’ve ever felt in relation to money; to the extent that I couldn’t sleep at night, simply because, I had no place where I could live and I had no job to get a steady flow of money coming in.

The moment I came to Norway, more specifically in the town of governance called Oslo, I started to look for jobs and apartment. Before I had arrived I had prepared myself through calling people in relation to getting myself an apartment and a job. Thus – I started to visit all the places and people that I beforehand had made contact with in order to make my time of living on hostels shorter.

I felt very uncomfortable to live in a hostel and at the same time have no job. Because the hostels where expensive to live in and as I had no job, everyday the money I had with me got less and less. The fascinating thing is that, at this time my savings was quite substantial and I had a family with substantial economic “power”, thus there was no actual danger in relation to my life. The danger was to loose my money, which was only that, to loose my money and not be able to anymore sustain myself in the city of Oslo – even though there was lot’s of possibilities for me if things would have fucked up completely.

During two weeks I walked around in Oslo to go to job interviews and to get myself an apartment. Yes, you heard right – I walked! The reason as to why I walked was to save money and it’s totally ludicrous because as I said, I had my savings and I would theoretically have been able to live in Oslo with the money I brought for several months. Though, I completely failed to see the mathematics behind money and only acted in regard of my emotional experience of anxiety and fear in relation to loosing my money.

Thus – I walked around for about two weeks in order to get myself a job and apartment. To get a apartment went faster than to get a job.

After the second day I got in contact with someone that supplied small rooms, it was perfect and precisely what I needed in order to settle myself into the new country. Though, the price! The price was to high I thought and in my mind I started to run rampant as to how much money this would cost me. What would be my expenses How much savings would I have left?! To add here is that, at the moment it was quite difficult to get an apartment in Oslo – thus when this opportunity opened up I was very content as I realized that I could finally get a place of my own instead of having to live in a hostel, in the same room as many others. But, I said no – the price was to high! I must be able to get something better I told myself.

And actually, one of the reasons as to why I said no was that I had another apartment with a cheaper monthly rent “on the hook” so to speak. Thus – I said no to settling myself in a comfortable room and instead continued to live in a hostel, which isn’t very comfortable at all.

The next day I got to hear that the apartments I thought was “on the hook” was not going to me. I was without a home! Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety – why didn’t I take that other room? Those where the thoughts/experience within me as I realized that I had now given away a perfectly fine opportunity to get myself a comfortable place to live in, that was cheaper than a hostel, in order to save money – which anyway, didn’t happen!

Thus – I experienced lots of anxiety at this moment as I realized that I would have to stay at the hostel even longer, the hostel being almost as a hotel and thus having quite a high rent. That night I slept hardly nothing, I don’t think I slept very much any of those nights which I spent in the hostel – in expectation and doubt as to whether I would be able to settle myself through getting a job and a apartment or not. Would I be able to settle myself in the time frame that I had? Which was the savings I had brought with me.

Fortunately I was able to get a room some day’s later. Within this I experienced a sense of ease and stability as I had finally managed to get a stable point into my life. The stable point being a small room in which I could place all my belongings and now that they would be there as I came back and I also had a bad and my computer there. Everything to make it comfortable and relaxed for me, which I didn’t at all experience in the hostel. Where my stay felt very unstable, as if I at any day could loose my bed at the hostel and if I placed my belongings on my bed others that lived in the same room would easily be able to steal from me whatever they wanted. To get an apartment was very nice and I could finally let go some of my anxiety. But now came the second task – getting myself a job!

To get myself a job took almost two weeks. In which I each and everyday worried that I wouldn’t be able to get a job and that I because of this would loose my newly gained apartment.

During this time I walked everywhere in order to save money for busses. And fuck! I walked miles and miles and miles! All within the experience of satisfaction within the realization and knowing that I was saving money.

I remember that I in the beginning found a job as a day-care teacher. It was a job with fucked up conditions, but I took it anyway. I wasn’t a very good day-care teacher and so I got fired after 2 day’s – LOL! That brought up ton’s of anxiety within me and I pleaded to the manager to take me back. LOL! Nope your gone son! Nobody wants to have you back here.

At one point I found two jobs at one time – in which I experienced tons of anxiety. The reason being that I got one job with a lower pay confirmed, this job was mine, at the same time I awaited response from another employee in relation to a job with a higher pay than the first job. Thus the anxiety! Should I say yes to the first job and at least secure myself a small income? Should I wait for the other employee to call me and hope that he will give me the job? What am I going to do?

Eventually after lots of bullshit I got a job I felt saved – I felt like a big stone had been let of my chest. Now only came the worry to keep my job! But at least I had a job, a steady income and a small room. I could survive! And my savings was still with me! I still had my money.

This entire process took about two weeks I think – in which I basically was in total anxiety the entire time and I asked others if they experienced what I experienced. They said yes, they where also in complete anxiety. I could see it as I was walking around and interacting with people that shared the same house as me, in the house in which I had my little room. We where all completely possessed with fear and worry and it’s a fear and worry that never ends, if you don’t stop yourself that is, because each month you are always dependent upon being accepted by the system to make your ends meet. And if your ends don’t meet you will be in great trouble and end up in a position in which you will have an even tougher time to “get yourself back”.

It’s really fucked up – that all the time there is this uncertainty in relation to money and if you are going to get it or not. There is never certainty in relation to money, no matter how financially stable you get – there is always the possibility that you are going to loose it all.

1.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my savings are going to run out – to fear taking the bus – to fear taking upon myself more expenses than incomes in fear that I am going to loose my money

2.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and fear when I don’t have a place to stay, as a apartment

3.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and fear when I realize that I am wasting more money than what I am bringing in – and that if I don’t manage to turn this around, eventually I will be broke

4.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t get a job, that I won’t get stable income, in fear that my money is going to run out and that I am not going to be able to sustain myself

5.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a place in which I can protect my belongings, in fear of loosing my belongings

6.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a stable point in my reality, as a apartment, as a place which I know I will be able to go to if I get cold, or experience myself physically discomfort able

7.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone in a big town without having any money

8.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the uncertainty that exists in relation to money, the fear that I won’t have enough money at the end of the month to make ends meet

9.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my relaxation and ease within the dependency of having money and having a stable place to stay in as an apartment and having a stable income as a job

10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a state of constant anxiety and fear when I don’t have the ability to generate a sufficient income for me to be able to sustain myself

11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will loose my job and that I will become evicted from my apartment and that I thus will find myself to be at the lower end of society

12. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having any savings – in fear that I am going to spend more money than what I’ve been able to generate, in fear that I won’t be able to sustain my current way of living as having a comfortable apartment and food to eat

13. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a constant state of anxiety and fear when I don’t have enough money to sustain my current way of living

14. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a constant state of fear and anxiety and not be able to sleep – when I see that I have more expenses than what I have incomes

15. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a constant state of worry and anxiety that I won’t have enough money to sustain myself with food, with clothes, and that I will loose my current protection in society in the form of a apartment and a job

16. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to have money to protect myself with against society and against a life of being a outcast

17. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to do anything and everything in order to save as much money as possible in order to prevent me from facing my fear of becoming a outcast and a faceless person in the system

18. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to protect myself from the brutality and harshness of this world – as the disregard that exists for people that has no money

19. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will loose and not be able to win, and get the money I need in order to sustain my life and protect myself from this world

20. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in constant anxiety and fear that the world is going to harm me, abuse me and place me in a position of physical hardship

I am here.

I live here, I allow myself to stand with no fear and no anxiety whether I have money or whether I don’t have money. I don’t allow myself to become influenced and controlled by having money or not having money. When I see that I go into fears and anxieties and start to take decisions based upon my fears of not having money – I breath, I let go, I apply self-forgiveness if necessary, I let go of my anxieties.

De-constructing my Money-Construct Part: 1

Money – even though this point has existed within and throughout my entire life, writing about brings up a emptiness and a sense of confusion. Exactly how has money influenced me? The decisions I’ve taken in my life? The people that has been in my life? I know that each and every part of my life up to this point has been influenced by money – yet – I can’t with ease place it in front of me, as I can’t actually see it clearly. So – let’s start investigating!

The first point that I experienced in relation to money or that has been a point, which I’ve experienced money to be, is that – there is always enough money. I’ve never been worried that I wouldn’t have any money living with my parents, as they seemed to have such control on matters. There was always a possibility for me to get the things I desired – if there was something I wanted I would almost always be able to get this. My family was quite wealthy, though it had a price.

My father was home only on the weekends and sometimes not even at the weekends. During the rest of the time my father was working. He flew back and forth from where my mother lived, where we lived, to his office – which was located in another town. I think that my father attempted to compensate that he didn’t spend more time with the family through buying things to us. He always bought lots of stuff, to my sister, to me; all of us siblings developed quite an effective manipulation tactic to get what it was that we wanted. We would mention it and then we would talk about it – saying how much we would like to have this thing, how much it would assist us in our life’s and how much we needed that particular thing in order to enjoy ourselves. Then after a while – we would get what we wanted.

In me I notice that I feel disappointed at my father for not being here with his children but instead giving all of his time to his work. He worked a lot and money was his true passion in life – he considered himself an effective businessman and he really was, even though he had no education, as he would often remember us.

Anyway – I first came in contact with making money during the summer holidays when I was free from school. At a point when I turned 14 my mother started to nag on me to get a job during my summer holidays. She said that it was nice to get some extra pocket money and she pointed at my friends and said that they where all doing it. And as I looked on my friends that started to earn some for me at the moment big money, I also wanted to earn money. I was never very motivated though and the boringness of all labor surprised me. My mother though was very persistent on this point of a summer holiday job – it was presented as something that I had to get in order to prepare myself to enter the real system. I got myself a job – the first job I got was a job in a small kiosk. I worked in this kiosk and earned myself some money – I was at that time presented to the stress which working was in relation to.

I remember working at this kiosk – how much labor we took on when they’re where people that wanted to eat and have some coffee and waffles, which was what we sold. To work 8 hours or more everyday was a long time and to the same thing all day long without any kind of change was completely new to me. I remember that we always went over the time as to when we where to close the kiosk. If there was many people there that wanted to eat the lady which was running the kiosk wanted to have it open for a longer period of time – all for the money.

I remember as I was working at this kiosk how it was the first time that I dressed myself in the personality of the good employee. I remember that my mother had told me that I must be nice, I must be happy, I must be willing to do everything and I must not be lazy! LOL – so I applied what my mother had told me. I asked the lady if there was something to do if there wasn’t anything to do as I feared that the lady would feel like I didn’t deserve the job if I constantly weren’t doing things around the kiosk.

I also felt as if I was only a weight that was in the way for the old lady when the Kiosk didn’t have any visitors and I was worried that I was draining the old lady from all of her money.

I never felt at home working in the kiosk because I was always pretending in front of the lady. When there were customers I stressed – I worked fast and diligently in order to show the lady how effective I was. I learned that I had to please the customer and always be nice towards the customer, because the customer had the money. Got to please god! God that is money!

We took on loads of work in this kiosk – more work than what the kiosk was designed to handle. We had to work in quite uncomfortable physical conditions and we did all this because we needed money. I might have been able to do the same for no money – helping to serve people coffee and waffles but I wouldn’t have done at all in the same way. I would have been more relaxed and worked in breath – in the motion of breath, not to fast and not to slow.

This is what I have noticed during in all of my workplaces – that everyone is working in a condition that is physically straining. During long, long shifts that are also physically straining. I remember another work that I had in which I worked as a dishwasher. Man! I’ve never ever felt and experienced what I felt doing that as this was the first time I got face to face with the brutality and harshness as what is required of you to do if you want to get money in this world.

I stood for 10 to 12 hours each day, washing dishes in an almost constant stream. It’s not fun to stand for 10 to 12 hours and do the exact same thing. Constantly you have to move yourself and be fast and effective as there are constantly more dishes coming in. If you’re not fast enough the entire sink will overflow. It was quite a shock to me to stand there and do this work, as my life to that point had been so easy – so comfortable. During that time I decided that I was not going to have any of this in my life, I remember that I was listening to a guitarist at the time called Stevie Ray Vaughn, which also had experienced the horror of physical labor in the system. He decided to become a guitarist instead and that is what I also did.

Because I didn’t want to end up in a job of physical strain and stressful expectations I choose to become effective at music. I started to practice guitar for 2 hours everyday very intently within the realization that if I did so, I would become good and maybe I would have a life that was fun – instead of living a boring life of physical strain and hard and stressful physical labor.

Some years before this point when I had looked out towards my future, wondering what could be out there for me – I had to my horror realized that there was nothing in this life but pure slavery. That nothing but a life of working in order to get money was waiting for me. Thus my decision to become a masterful guitar-player was much in relation to what I saw awaited the normal, John Doe in the system. A life of complete meaninglessness and boredom as each day is the same, as you each day strive in a boring job in order to create the necessary income for you to survive one more month. What is the fucking point? I thought to myself.

This brings up another memory of my first interaction with the labor industry – the kiosk wasn’t the first, before the kiosk had a taste of how labor was in the system through my school sending me to practice. God! This time of practicing outside in the system was a very, very rude wake-up call as to the complete death of individuality and creativity that awaited me in the system.

I practiced to work in a bakery in which we baked several thousand cookies of the same sort each day. Thousand of cookies of the same sort! That means you do the same got-damn movement thousand of times! I thought I was going crazy and I couldn’t understand how the people working each day, waking up each morning to go to this dreadful place could do it. Obviously, now I understand, they had no choice – because if you don’t work, your not allowed to be alive.

I had this horrific experience of waking up each day early in the morning. Driving on my moped through snow and cold to the bus. Taking the bus to the work. Working from 6 in the morning to three-ó clock, doing nothing of value or worth during this time. Nothing that I enjoyed or appreciated in anyway and all I desired in each and every minute of my experience at the bakery was to get home to something that I enjoyed to do.

Yes – the world was a prison. I realized this at that time and I feared to ever become a part of this prison. To ever become locked into this prison and become a robot like everyone else, forever condemned doing one singular physical motion until death would take me away. Forever living a life of being completely stuck in boredom, never expanding, never growing, never experiencing anything else but the same physical motion day in and day out.

This is the reason as to why I choose to play guitar, why I choose to enhance certain skills that I possessed because I saw within enhancing these skills a door to freedom – a door to a world in which I would actually be able to do something, which I enjoyed. Fascinating to realize that I actually within feverishly applying myself to reach somewhere with my music, ignoring education, actually placed myself in a position in which I would be on the edge with money and have to settle myself with a job of slavery. I didn’t understand how I was to become “free” in this system, that making lots of money was actually the freedom from that which I didn’t want. That embracing the money system, researching the money system, understanding how to move myself in the money system in order to establish myself in a position where I would be able to “choose”, was actually the solution.

The point, which I tried to go towards, was escaping the money system through an apparent creative and fun profession; there are none of those in this world! All professions in this world has become infected with profit and greed, thus making all professions to a repetitive motion of doing the same thing over and over again to get the most money possible. There is no room for living, creativity and exploration – there is only money and the hunt for money. That is what this entire world consists of and I can’t escape it. But I can place myself in a position in which I have access to this god, that is money, and through this being able to actually invoke a change in this system, so we can give god equally to everyone, so we can ban profit and greed to instead celebrate ourselves as an on-going exploration of ourselves as self-expression.

Long live a life of equality for all! Death to profit and greed!

1.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being imprisoned into a lifelong struggle to survive – where-in I each day must do the same repetitive and boring job in order to have food and a roof over my head

2.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to escape the money system and the world system through becoming a guitar-player

3.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting stuck in a life-experience in which I have to each day wake up to go to a job of physical strain and stress

4.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being imprisoned to live a life of no meaning, no value, no worth, as each day is given to making money

5.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience horror and fear towards seeing that life and what we call living is nothing but slavery

6.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to get caught in this slavery – that I am going to become one of the slaves, placed into a physical work that has no creativity and no enjoyment to it

7.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to enjoy myself, because I will be stuck in a job of physical strain and stress

8.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not pleasing my employee, in fear that I am going to get fired

9.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the customer is not going to be satisfied with me, in fear that I won’t get any money

10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to waste another’s money, through not being an effective employee, not being a useful employee in terms of accumulating more money

11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will become another John Doe, that I will become stuck and live a life of insignificance, not moving, not expanding, not experiencing anything more but a life of mechanical repetitiveness

12. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dread that my life will become but a hunt for money, but a hunt for survival, nothing but a boring hunt in order to remain alive in this world

13. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that harshness and brutality of this system, in which you are forced to become a slave if you want to survive

14. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed with the physical strain and stress that is prominent in the work that is done in the matrix

15. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become influenced and stress when others are stressed and move themselves in anxiety and panic

16. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that labor must be done in anxiety and panic, as fast as possible, within the belief that if it’s not done in anxiety and panic, I will loose money

17. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ever being without money, in fear that I will have to settle for a position in life of slavery, of mechanical slavery

18. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dread and fear living a life in which there is nothing that I enjoy to do in terms of my work

19. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to live a life that holds no creativity, no enjoyment, no pleasure, no satisfaction, no expansion, no living,

20. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to please and satisfy this system enough, in fear of being rejected by this system and placed into a position of being a mechanical slave

21. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that harshness, the unpredictability, the uncertainty, of this system

22. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my life, my money, is going to be taken away from me, in fear that I will then face the harshness of this system face to face, in which I will have to live a life of physical strain and stress in order to survive

23. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having control over my money in my life, in fear that I will without being able to predict it and see it, sink to a level in the system where I will have to take on a job of being a mechanical slave

24. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not going to be able to do anything in my life that I enjoy to do, because I will at all moments be a subject to the harshness and brutality of this system, always having to focus upon my survival and getting in enough money to live

25. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t get in enough money to survive

26. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting stuck in a job which pay’s me a low salary, in fear that I will get stuck in the month to month struggle of attempting to survive

27. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being caught in the struggle to survive, being caught in a position where I will have to give up everything in my life that I enjoy and value in order to survive

28. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life must be lived fast, must be lived in anxiety and panic, within the belief that if I don’t, I will loose money

29. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate my physical self-movement in relation to money

30. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must do everything more effective, faster, at a higher speed, with more precision, within the belief that everything I do must produce money

31. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being slower, less than others, in fear that I won’t become valued and appreciated in the money system as being a good worker

32. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be considered by the money system as not being an effective worker, in fear that I won’t have access to money

33. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to run away from and hide myself from money and the power money has in this reality, in order to not have to face the severity of the situation I am facing in this world

34. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not doing things fast, effective, pleasantly, satisfactorily enough in order to get money

35. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming a faceless person in this reality, someone with no money at all, in fear of becoming but a cog in the machinery, destined to live out my life in boredom and dissatisfaction

36. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming lost in the system, to fear having nothing and no one in the system and thus becoming nothing but a battery to fuel the industry of this world, in fear of living out a life only focused upon surviving, in which there is nothing of me present

37. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living out a life of survival in which there is no time for me to enjoy me, but all time must go to surviving and accumulating enough money for me to be able to eat and have a roof over my head

38. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that this system, our money system will abuse me, that I will become abused and lost in this money system as I will be valued as nothing more but the money I am able to accumulate

39. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will become a slave to this money system, that I will become a subject to the harsh and brutal and physically strain full experiences of this system that those face that have no money

40. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living out my life in a position in which I must fight for my survival each and every day, each and every day waking up to but another fight to survive, to but another day of struggle in which I will have nothing to look forward to but to go to bed in the evening

I am here. I breathe and I let go of all my fears. I realize that this system of slavery is currently here – thus there is no point in me fearing this system.

What I can do is to direct myself effectively and within common sense to lessen the risk of me being caught in a position of physical strain and harshness and at the same time work and labor to change this currently accepted system into something that will benefit me as all as one as equal.

I allow myself to breath and let go of my fear of becoming a mechanical slave and but a faceless – John Doe in the system. I realize that I am here no matter what I face or go through. I am here and what I fear is but a perception and idea of how I am to experience myself in such a moment. I realize that in breath I am equal to all that is here and not subject to my environment. Thus I breathe – I let go of perception and I direct myself within common sense here as breath in every moment.