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Day 380: Enforcing A HELL-thy Lifestyle

The Problem

Today I faced a situation where I got to experience a less pleasurable side of myself. I am going to call this side of myself the ‘coach’-character – because what happened is that I started to coach and push my partner to do a certain thing that I perceived to be healthy. When my partner responded negatively, instead of asking why, or simply letting the point go, my attempts to get my partner unto the ‘right path’ intensified, because I perceived myself as knowing/seeing what would be the best and most healthy option for my partner. Obviously, in retrospect I am able to see that the entire moment was created because of how I have misaligned my relationship to coaching/pushing/supporting others, and to the word health – and in the following blog I am going to walk through these misalignment’s and establish solutions that I am able to live instead.

When Coaching Becomes Forcing

Coaching becomes forcing when I am trying to create/will an outcome without consideration, without being humble, without seeing the other person, where they are at, and what would be best for them. Hence, forcing comes through when I have my own personal agenda, when the support is not unconditional. Because when I have an agenda, a mission to complete, a goal to reach, then suddenly, in my mind it makes a lot more sense to force, because then I have something to lose if I do not.

However, the notion that I have something to lose if my support (what I perceive is best) does not come through the way I have imagined, that is a misaligned understanding of what it means to support. Because then it is not anymore support, then it is gratifying my own self-interest, and using the word support as an excuse to be able to continue. Obviously, support, to be what is best for all, must be done unconditionally, it must be done without a goal, desire, a personal investment in anyway what so ever, because a personal investment will cloud my clarity – and make it difficult for me to see what kind of support the person really needs.

In the case with my partner, I wanted her to do something that I perceived as healthy. My point of self-interest within this was that I wanted/desired to have a healthy and strong partner with an active lifestyle. Because I held unto my self-interest I did not hear or see my partner and where she was at, as she did not have the strength to pursue the particular activity at the moment. If I would have been clear in my starting point, this is where I could have dropped the entire point, however because I was personally vested, I pushed the point even further, and became forceful.

Solution: When I see that I can support another with a point, I make sure that I am clear and there is no personal investment, no desire, no fear, that is motivating me to achieve a particular result, because I know, that if this is the case, my support will be tainted and not unconditional. Hence – I commit myself to clear myself using self-forgiveness and writing – and to first when I stand stable – offer my unconditional support to another and give as I would like to receive.

When health becomes a HELL

Health, a word with so many meanings and that have become excessively abused in this world, causing a lot of pain and misery for many, many people. The problem with how we have defined health is that health is seen as one state, one ideal, one way of living/being/looking, and that if we are able to compress/alter/change our life/ourselves to fit into this lifestyle of health, then we are apparently healthy. However, a big problem with this way of approaching health is that we are not considering that what might be healthy for one person, can be completely unhealthy for another.

This is what I did with my partner, as I had a particular idea that it is healthy to go out and walk for a moment. And sure, that might be so in a certain context. If I am otherwise in a good shape, not sick, I have the time, and there are no other barriers, it is usually supportive to go out for a walk. However, in my partners context, she did not feel physically rested, and she instead felt that it would be best for her to remain indoors and sleep. Because of my limited definition/understanding of health – I reacted – and thought: ‘But that is not healthy? I must help my partner to do the healthy thing’.

Since then I have reflected on the word healthy – what is real health? Having a fit body does not define health – eating only vegetables does not define health – because health is obviously something much more expansive – it is not only related to physical looks, food and exercise routines. What is more important is WHO WE ARE as human beings and how we relate to our human physical bodies – where a healthy approach would be to listen and be aware of how our physical bodies respond and feel to who we are in our minds and to what we eat and how we move ourselves – and acting/living in such a way that we support our bodies to reach its utmost potential. And that potential does necessarily imply that we have abs, toned bodies and that we only eat green, vegetarian food – rather health and the way our bodies express as health will be different and unique to each body – and will also reflect the beings individuality that inhabits the body.

Thus – in this moment with my partner – my partner was healthy when she made the decision to sleep – as that was what my partners body required in that moment to be able to express and function at its full potential.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit the word health through defining it as eating vegetables, working out and staying away from sugar – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not expand the word health, to move it, and make it part of my life, and as such give it a holistic, all encompassing definition, where it is not only about looking good, and eating good, but also about WHO I AM

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit how I live health through only focusing on my body – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that health is also about who I am within my mind, within my thoughts, who I am within my daily movement and direction, who I am within making decisions, it is the entirety of me, where I can support myself to stand within my full potential (living healthy) in all areas of my life instead of merely being concerned with how my body looks like and what I eat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge certain foods as healthy, and other foods as unhealthy, and within this separate myself from certain types of food, and not eat them, even though my body is showing me through hunger/urges/movements that it wants a particular type of food that I have defined as unhealthy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I cannot understand food through labeling it as either healthy or unhealthy – because food – as with all physical parts of this reality – is multidimensional and has a different purpose/function/value depending on the context in which it is existing – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the physical instead of standing with and as my physical and interacting with it directly – immediately – not relating to it through thinking/experiencing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not expand health and make it a part of myself – not something separate that I must reach and attain through eating ‘healthy food’ and doing ‘healthy stuff’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define health according to what is said and written in various news papers that profess that they know what health is and how health can be reached – instead of looking within me and redefining health according to my own understanding of health – and then live health in my life in a way that is supportive and that enhances and builds me instead of destroying me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force another to do what I perceive is best – instead of understanding – learning – and being humble – to see who another is and within this also come to terms with the point that I do not necessarily know what is best for another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force my view and idea of things unto others and expect them to live and behave according to how I have defined ‘what is best’ within me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be open and humble to learning new perspectives – seeing things differently – understanding that I might not know exactly what is best – what direction to go – and how to be healthy – and that thus – it is important for me to take a breath – relax and bring myself back here into and as my human physical body – and approach the situation from within and as a stable and grounded starting point where I am open and ready to learn something new

Self-commitment statements

Solution with regards to Forcing

When and as I see myself trying to impose, push, force my way of thinking, seeing things, understanding things, and I have a reaction, that motivates me to continue to argument, and force, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that in forcing, I am merely living out my own reactions, trying to have others adhere to how I experience things, thus, not supporting others to live to their utmost potential – and hence I see that this is not something that I would have wanted others to do towards me – as I would have wanted them to support me unconditionally and without their own agenda and personal investment in the point; hence I commit myself to stop my reactions and ground myself – and make sure – that if I decide to support another – that I am clear, stable and grounded – and that I speak and support from a starting point of genuinely caring for another and that they expand themselves and move to become the best that they can be

Solution to misalignment with regards to Health

I commit myself to live and apply the word health in my life with the following definition: Health is when I assist and support myself, mentally and physically, to be the best that I can be – and I do this through listening to myself and my body – being aware of what I am going through and what would be best for me – being fully and wholly open to all directions and not judging any part of the physical as ‘unhealthy’ and per definition avoiding it – hence not relying on ideas, ideals, diets and similar concepts.


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Day 202: Fatness and the Judgment Thereof

Yesterday I went to the bathhouse to swim after some weeks of Christmas holidays – and while undressing I was glancing at myself in a mirror close-by – and in the moment I thought to myself that I’d been gaining weight. Coupled with this thought was a slight fear reaction – and this fear was in relation to what others were going to think of me if I was to be fat. Primarily the fear was in relation to attracting negative attention from others.

I then went into thoughts and backchat of trying to find a ‘solution’ to this apparent problem, which was then to make sure that I inserted more days of exercising in my schedule – and in that began planning what type of exercise I would do, how much I would do it, and also imaging how that would change my body, and how I’d feel about such a transformation.

The initial judgment was specifically focused on the looks of my stomach, which I perceived to be slightly bulging outwards – according to me showing the signs of the initial stages of so called beer belly – and I can see that this thought wasn’t alone. There was also backchat about how of gaining a beer belly implies that you’re getting old, and that you’re about to loose that spark of youth and vitality that is considered desirable in today’s society – this was also coupled with fear.

Thus – what I am able to see is that this reaction towards my belly is in it’s very origin a fear that relates to loose stature and value in the system – losing specialness and significance – because when you’re perceived as beautiful and desirable that in itself functions as a key to achieve attention and gain respect in the system. What this goes to show is that I’m not valuing myself – but rather placing value to be an outcome of receiving attention from others – which is obviously very limiting.

I see that in order for me to live real self-acceptance and self-value this point must go – I can’t limit myself to only be comfortable expressing and sharing myself when I know that others perceive me as beautiful and youthful – that is simply not a sustainable solution. And obviously – I want to be able to stand in all positions, in all outflows, regardless of my body type, my age, my position, and where I’m at in the system – and be stable – silent – and value and regard myself for who I am and for what I live – not evaluate myself on the basis of such shallow characteristics as looks and age.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my value, prestige and status in the system through not anymore being seen as physically attractive and desirable – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop this fear of gaining a beer belly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and judge being and becoming fat – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being fat – in fear that I am then going to be judged or attacked by others, and teased, and looked down upon, because I don’t have the adequate bodily picture and image that according to societies norms and morals is the correct bodily picture to attain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I look myself in the mirror, and I see that I have a tiny belly sticking out, to immediately judge it, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not realize that I am judging this part of my body because I’ve been programmed and indoctrinated into looking at my body with judgmental eyes – and scouring the image of my body for mistakes and imperfections that I believe and find to be wrong – and that should be changed and aligned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define having a belly, and being fat, as being a failure – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being fat implies that you’re weak in character, that you’re undisciplined and that you don’t care about your physically body or physique – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let a shape and form of a body to determine my entire outlook upon another – and upon myself – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see the life beyond the image – to see the actual being that is beyond the picture of either being attractive or unattractive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value and worth how my body looks more than how I physically experience my human physical body – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I look at my body – also listen to my body – hear whether my body is in a effective condition – to listen to whether my body is adequately taken care of or if there are alignments that can be made – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and base the word health within the limited concept of how the body looks – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that health is in-fact a much more extensive and expansive word that covers not only looks – but also the very beingness and sense of physical experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I look at myself in the mirror, to critically analyze parts of myself and think that there is something wrong with them – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to critically analyze and take apart my breasts and the muscle tissues that supports them – in thinking that I should have a more extensive muscle tissue – that I should have more worked out and physically fit body that likens the body of athletes and professional dancers – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only consider the image – the only consider the immediate appearance – instead of looking myself and who I am behind the picture and image – to realize that I am not in-fact a professional athlete and I don’t have that particular inclination – neither am I a dancer and I don’t have that inclination either

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept and embrace the shape and form which my body takes – to not make the shape and form of my body the main issue – and the point from which I assess and make decisions – but rather accept and allow myself to amalgamate myself with the feel of my physical body – with the experience and sense of my physical body – so that I in that actually get to know myself physical and what it goes through – so that I then can support my human physical body effectively – and when I notice it’s required – do some exercising in order to strengthen parts of my physical – thus not doing it to look handsome – rather do it as a form of self-support and assistance for and as my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is any correct shape and form to the human physical body – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to superimpose my idea and ideals of what a correct physical shape is unto my human physical body – not seeing, realizing and understanding that obviously I can’t know what a correct physical shape is as I don’t even have the most basic awareness of how the detail of my physical body functions – how am I then able to assess and understand how the physical body should look like?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use advertisements of young males with protruding abdominal muscles – and a athletic – sturdy and muscular physique to become my understanding of how a human physical body should look like – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to impose fitness regimes and exercising habits unto my physical in order to subdue my body to a shape and form that I perceive to be the correct shape and form – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask myself – and my body – what form of exercise or food that would be supportive for it and not for my mental idea and definition of what it means to be attractive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my self-value on my self-image and on the amount of attention that I perceive myself to be getting from others – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that when I receive attention from someone in my world – a female – and she seemingly looks at me with eyes filled with awe and lust – to then believe that my value is cemented and that I’ve risen to a new level of self-respect – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is in-fact not a example of self-value and self-respect – but rather energy games that I define myself according to and believe to be myself – not realizing that this energy will soon dissipate and then I’ll go look for another game to fulfill my need for energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my self-definition and self-image dependent upon energy – and upon how I perceive that other reacts towards my physique – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to groom and care for my body from the starting point of wanting to be accepted and valued by others – wanting to case some form of raucous and attention when I enter into a moment with others – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is not real self-value – is not real self-love – and it’s not real self-respect – it’s in-fact but a form of energy addiction wherein I define essential parts of my character according to looks – instead of defining them according to who I am and by what principles I live and move by

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I go into judgmental thoughts of my physique, in particular my stomach, and I think that it protrudes in a distasteful and unpleasant manner – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this judgment doesn’t reflect an actual understanding of physicality – and what the human physical body should look like – rather it’s but a judgment – but an idea of how something should look – and not me seeing what would be best for my physical body – thus I commit myself to take a breath and bring myself back here – and accept my body – and do that through breathing and bringing myself back here to the feel and experience of my physical – to the feeling of my human physical body

I commit myself to practice self-respect and self-value through not accepting and allowing myself to define my value and my worth according to imagery – according to how I look and how I believe that others see me and look at me – and thus I commit myself to embrace and accept myself unconditionally and stand as self-worth regardless of my looks – and walk this point practically through not accepting and allowing judgments in relation to my physique to fester in me and build

When and as I see that I am going into a positive energy and experience – of feeling significant and distinguished – because I believe that some female have caught my eye and feels lust towards my body – I immediately stop myself – I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this is not real self-value or self-respect – this is but an energy – but a energy game that I am playing which will eventually run out and disappear into nothingness – and thus I commit myself to stand stable and grounded when interacting with the other sex – to base the foundation of my value and worth upon WHO I AM as a being – who I am in my daily living and what I accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow – instead of making looks that which I use to define me as a person

Day 129: What Happens When I Exercise?

Today I did some exercising, and in doing that I applied the techniques, and methods shared in this (https://eqafe.com/p/exercising-your-quantum-mind-with-clarity-quantum-mind-self-awareness) Eqafe Interview. What is suggested is to when exercising, to be aware of where it is the mind moves, what thoughts comes up, what backchats, what images and fantasies, because these are specific points that the mind will attempt to strengthen.

When I did my exercising I noticed that my thoughts were primarily going towards two points, and the one of these was work, career, and money – and the other was sex. More specifically, the work and career point circled around education, and I could see how I was planning for the future in my mind, trying to calculate what would be the best option, and route for me to go. In regards to the sex point, it was more specifically around the point of ‘trying to find satisfaction’ – wherein my backchat was going to various problems I experience in relation to sex, and sexuality, and in that blaming other persons, eventualities, and life in general, for my experience of myself within and as sex.

Thus, the subsequent text is dedicated to self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements on the first of these mentioned points.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to plan and calculate in my mind what education I should take, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that these ‘planning thoughts’ are not self-directed, and that the origin of these thoughts are in-fact fear – as fear of the future – fear of the unknown – fear of survival – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not trust myself that regardless of the choice of education I make – that I will deal with the situation that arise and find a solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in my education, instead placing trust in myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in money, and to place trust in the system, instead of placing trust in myself – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire the system, money, and education to live my life for me – and hope that all will be well as long as I walk these points somewhat satisfactorily

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that education, money, and the system are but tools that I am able to utilize in creating myself and my life – yet the primary responsibility always lies with me – and as such I see, realize and understand that trust must be placed within me – because I will be the point that stands and face and walk through my life – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I place trust outside of myself, I am creating, and generating anxiety, and fear, because I will attempt and try to control that point outside me, all the while knowing, that this particular point can’t be controlled, and can’t be mastered

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize, dream and imagine about having the perfect career, and the perfect education, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to into this dream, and symbol of the perfect life, project an experience of calm, serenity, and security, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order for me to live these words as calm, serenity, and security, I must have an education, I must have a job, I must have an income, I must have this shining, bright, and promising future – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’ve within this separated myself from the words of calm, serenity, and security

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive to live stability, and to strive to feel calm, serene, and secure in my life through attempting and trying to attain the perfect career – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am limiting myself through believing that in order for me to live a life of serenity, calm and security, I must have a career, I must be hired by someone and have a job, have a family, and have a house, with a dog – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the decision to make each moment an expression of myself wherein I decide to relax my body, to let go of that fear, and anxious and allow myself to FEEL and BE here with this moment, and as such live serenity, security, and calm – as me being serene here – fully present in this moment – as me being securely stabilized within and as my physical awareness and presence here, as me being calm and physically relaxed, not accepting and allowing any form of mind participation in myself – but that I am instead fully here – fully with the present moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how a career, and how money, and how property can’t give me what I desire, because the fact is that attempting and trying to reach these points in life is only an attempt to suppress the inherent point of fear of survival that exists within all human beings, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not deal with, and correct the origin point which makes me go into these dreams and fantasies, which is fear of survival, fear of the unpredictable, fear of a sudden death, fear of a unpredictable death, fear of not being able to foresee my coming life and plan it to fit my desires

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and understand that fear of survival is what makes me not live in the first place, thus living my life within and as fear of survival is equal and one to not living at all, thus it’s really quite ironic to fear for one’s survival while one don’t even live in the first place – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the focus, and importance of my life to actually learn to live – to actually learn to appreciate and be grateful for this physical world and the moment to moment living that it exists within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the perfect career will not save me from my own fear, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my survival, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my future, and to fear for my continued existence in this world, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my life to be all about fear, and believing that I require to protect myself from this fear, and build my life as a wall trying to remove, and separate myself from this fear – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the simplicity of forgiving the fear, of letting go of the fear, of simply not accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by and as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that fear is a human creation, that fear is not natural, it’s not something that should exist within me, it’s rather something that I’ve accepted, and something that I’ve allowed to grow within me, to the point of complete possession, and complete control – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remove these plants of fear within me, realizing that there is nothing in this world that can save me from fear, there is no career, no house, no salary, no future, no partner, no love, no child, no family that can save me from myself and my own self-created hell – as fear – and as such I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to understand that when fear comes up within me – the solution is to STOP participating – to FORGIVE and let go – and not to try to protect myself from it through in my mind building the apparent ‘perfect’ protected life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I look at the future, and I look at various possibilities, as what I might do, or not do, to go into fear, and to fear that I will select and walk the wrong possibility, the possibility that will not lead me to a protected, safe, and guarded life, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how there is no protected, secure, and guarded life, how there is in reality only the physical here – and this world and it’s nature is completely unpredictable – and as such I am in effect not able to protect myself – and as such the solution is not to build a secure future for myself – but to release myself from this possession of fear that I’ve accepted and allowed within me – and to instead push and will myself to embrace the future – and walk into the unknown – trusting myself that I will be able to deal with the situations that arise

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into fear of the future, and I begin to project, dream and fantasize about the perfect life, the perfect future, the secure, stable, and easy future that will make me feel so grounded, serene, and calm – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I realize that there is no future that can save me from myself – and there is not future that is a solution to fear – because fear is self-generated – self-created – self-willed – and as such I commit myself to BREATHE and to live HERE within and as the physical – and be physically calm and relaxed with my body – stable in my breathing – and as such practically live the words serenity, calm, and security – here within and as my human physical body as myself – and as such let go of the projection of these words apparently being out there in some form of career

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