Tag Archives: express

Day 455: Warmth

We are approaching the Christmas festivities and for me, the introductory events have already begun. The way Christmas is celebrated in my country of Sweden, is usually by eating a lot of food and drinking alcoholic beverages of different kinds, and then by giving gifts.

I do see Christmas at the moment as an event of gluttony and misplaced joy. However, I also see that there is a potential for Christmas, and these Holidays to become something supportive and worthwhile. The two holidays approaching at the moment is Christmas and New Years eve – and thus – I find this a good opportunity for me to redefine and look at how I am able to utilize these holidays to support myself and others to become the best we can be.

Lets look at Christmas first. For me the thought of Christmas brings up warmth and a sense of belonging and appreciation. The warmth has to do with family, and how everyone gets to together to share each-others company. This is from where the experience of belonging also comes from. I usually feel like I belong in relation to my family – something that is strengthened with the gifts that are given. Appreciation, that is something I relate to the gifts. We show we appreciate the presence by presents.

Hence, warmth, belonging and appreciation. At the moment, these are words that come up within me as feelings, and mostly during public holidays such as Christmas. However, this begs the question, why have I not pushed myself to live these words practically in my day-to-day life – thus creating each-day to become a Christmas in itself. I will begin with looking at warmth.

How I have lived the word warmth thus far

I do not consider myself to be a warm person, at least if by being warm is meant being heartfelt, open and embracing. Those are words I have difficulty expressing. My tendency to be cold, however, is also one of my greatest strengths. I am calculating and precise – though it at times robs me of my ability to create deep, intimate and meaningful relationships with others. In-fact, it is something that I have been afraid of doing – due to the fear of being rejected. As such, within me, there is a constant cynicism – a experience of mistrust – a apprehension and expectation of soon being stabbed in my back. This makes it difficult for me to be warm – because I fear – that by being warm – I am going to open myself up to attacks.

Dictionary definition

1 a : having or giving out heat to a moderate or adequate degree

warm weather

a warm fire

b : serving to maintain or preserve heat especially to a satisfactory degree

a warm sweater

c : feeling or causing sensations of heat brought about by strenuous exertion
2 : comfortably established : secure
3 a : marked by strong feeling : ardent

b : marked by excitement, disagreement, or anger

the argument grew warm

4 : marked by or readily showing affection, gratitude, cordiality, or sympathy

a warm welcome

warm regards

5 : emphasizing or exploiting sexual imagery or incidents
6 : accompanied or marked by extreme danger or duress

7 : newly made : fresh

a warm scent

8 : having the color or tone of something that imparts heat; specifically : of a hue in the range yellow through orange to red

9 : near to a goal, object, or solution sought

not there yet but getting warm

Sounding the word

War-me
Warn
Ware-me
Wear-Me
With-Me
Aware-of-Me

Creative writing

Warmth, it is something that I can push myself to live in my daily life – by practicing empathy and genuine care for others. To when someone shares themselves, to listen to their words, and for that moment, stand in their shoes – to really hear what they are saying – so that I am able to respond with warmth. I have experienced, especially people that work as nurses, to have this ability to be genuinely warm with their patients. What I have experienced inside of me when meetings people with this ability is that when they touch and speak, they really mean it, they are HERE and not in a hurry to get somewhere else. And when they touch, I have felt embraced, seen and cared for. It is like they are able to see they value in me, recognize it, and support it. And that is how I see that I would like to live warmth as well.

Being warm is to be inviting and embracing. Like a warm bath. I love those, I jump into it, and I feel relaxed, I can take a deep breathe and relax – be myself completely – with not worry in the world. And that physical experience of warmth is something that I can use when I live this word for myself. Especially when it comes to myself, I can practice living warmth by relaxing, taking a deep breath, and allowing myself to completely disengage and flow, be invite myself in just as I am, without any conditions.

The sound that I connect with the most is ‘Wear-Me’ or ‘Aware-of-Me’. This signifies that being warm is a recognition of someone of myself.

New definition

Embracing and unconditionally opening myself up to and receiving myself or another without fears

 


 

Day 365: Conditioning Self-Expression

Today I took some time to direct a couple of my material belongings that had been put in storage. I approached the project with the starting point that I had to make a decision for each of my belongings as to what was going to happen to it – what purpose it was going to have for the future to come. The things which I had not used in a couple of years I decided to give away – this group of things included a saxophone and a electric drum set. The underlying principle I applied was simple, with me these possessions were not used to their full potential, and by giving them away to someone that would actually use them, that would support fulfilling both the recipients expression and the instruments potential; in other words – giving the instruments away would be what is best for all.

However, and here is where it starts to get interesting, as I had made the decision to give away the instruments, I began to have second thoughts, and the backchat that moved within me was something along the following lines: ‘What if I will miss these instruments? I might want to play them at a later stage, and then I will not have them! Man, before when I was a bit younger, I played a lot of music, now I do not anymore, I really miss that’. Thus, my initial backchat was initiated by a fear of loss, and then my mind moved to how I miss playing instruments and having music as a part of my life – that latter part of the backchat as well motivated by a fear – a fear that I had lost these expressions of myself which I had accessed when I was younger as part of playing my instruments and devoting myself to music.

The experience took me by surprise, because I had seen that I was finished with these instruments, that I had used them and that I was satisfied with what I had expressed and achieved, though now with this fear coming up, I started to doubt myself. I took a breath and gave myself a moment to stabilize – and I looked at the point within myself.

I could see that practically speaking, I did not use the instruments. Not because I was hindered to do so, but because I had moved into a new part of my life where these instruments did not have the same role to fulfill. I could see that I was satisfied and fulfilled in terms of having explored and pushed myself to develop a relationship with the instruments and that I was ready to let them go. Thus, the fear did not have anything to do with my practical reality – it was all about myself – and how I was actually afraid of moving on and embracing the new expression of myself that have started to come through within me and my life – where my relationship with music and instruments has begun to change.

Because music and the expressions that I could access and live with my instruments, they are still part of my life, however the structure of my life today is different. Now, I express myself with music by singing songs that I really enjoy out loud, together with a stereo blasting the track at the same time – and the creative part of music – which I before expressed through writing and composing songs – that has become part of my job – where I spend a lot of time writing – and my carpentry hobby – where I must use my imagination and problem solving skills to create and find solutions.

Thus – with giving away some of my instruments – I am not giving away the expressions that I have developed and lived in making music – because those expressions are a part of ME – as such I see that it is important to not get lost in the structure and picture of this world – and relate what I experience and live to the images – because it is not about what it looks like – it is about WHO I AM – and HOW I EXPRESS myself within what I do.

I have found that it is easy to forget this, because the images seems to be so important, however looking back out my life, what has always been a constant is that the images change. My world will move, transform, become different, but I remain, which also exemplifies why it is so important to place attention and focus on developing OURSELVES – and not lose ourselves in the evanescent creations/allures of money and consumerism that so easily grip our attention and that we convince ourselves is the most significant point within our lives.


Learn more about this way of living:

Day 325: Remembering Balance

Remembering balance, this is something that I must push myself to do. I find it to be easy to me to loose myself in especially, career and future projections, hopes and desires of what I would be able to do, and how I would be able to feel out there, and then, forgetting about my life HERE. This way of living, where the future becomes more prominent than the present is a trait that has matured and developed as I have come of age, because as a kid, there was ONLY the present. And as a kid, there was no projection of a fulfilling future, because the present was sufficient.

I do see that as an adult it is important to have the skills of planning, foresight, and patience, as creating in this world, regardless of what it might, requires consistent action over space and time, nothing of magnitude can be created in but one moment. However, the great misunderstanding is to misinterpret a plan for the future, with the idea that fulfillment is as well awaiting us in the future. This feeling of a future fulfillment and completion is NOT real, and regardless of how convincing the inner experience might feel, it is very important to remember, that fulfillment is HERE, that LIFE is HERE, that self-expression is HERE, that physical LIVING is HERE. Even though I might realize and bring into fruition a complicated plan, the fact does not change, LIFE can only be created/lived/experienced HERE.

Hence, this is way balance is important, the balance between physical living/enjoyment/creation/expression HERE and planning/looking ahead/considering. Many adults seem to loose that balance as they come of age, and their lives become mundane, repetitive, walked as a routine, and not HERE as LIFE. And it is clear when comparing adults with children, the latter are so vibrant, happy, excited, filled with expression and experience, as they interact with their reality. And it is not about adults being more ‘wise’ and that adults have ‘seen’ and ‘understood’ what is all about, it is that adults are more in their heads, more in their memories, more in past experiences, and future projections, and hence in a way numb to experience the reality that is around and the life that is within them.

I have found that there are practical ways to retain, foster, and expand that child-like expression, for example, through pushing myself to be aware of my breath. Through being here with my breathing, I am able to keep myself with my human physical body, and also see when I venture into my mind and future projects, to then bring myself back here, into physical living. Further, placing my attention on the tip of my toes and fingers assist and support with presence, and bring my life expression INTO the physical, and hence, not accepting and allowing myself to let myself go to waste, through being locked up in a small area between my shoulders called the mind. I have thus realized, that birthing life in the physical, is about bringing our life presence HERE through a dedicated moment-to-moment application, where we each time we notice ourselves to be in the mind, bring ourselves BACK here, back into the physical.

Hence, PRESENCE, learning to live and apply this word in daily living is a key in retaining balance – because in being PRESENT here – I am also able to see when it is that I have ventured to far into a particular aspect of my life and there is a need for me to step back, gather and ground myself. And PRESENCE is a simple word to apply, it does not matter where we are, or what we do, as we can ALWAYS practice to remain present, aware, and HERE within what we do. It does not matter if we are obliged to think and project in our professional capacity, because even within that it is possible to remain present. And when we are present, life opens up to us in a completely different way than otherwise, we are suddenly aware of the nuances, the details, the small unnoticed points of our life, that we would usually have glanced over, as would if we would have been occupied in our minds.

Hiding – Part 1

Lately I’ve been working with correcting my posture, because up until some time ago – my posture has been that of hunching my shoulders, not standing straight – but slightly bent; and this has caused me to develop back pain – at least this is one of the reasons to my back pain. So, in order to correct this point I first began to investigate “what is the correct posture?” – and “what posture supports my body the best?” – and it’s been fascinating to find this out, because the posture I did in the end find to be the correct/most supportive posture – felt completely incorrect and simply strange to walk within – not to say painful; but I realized that it was merely a habit that I had created in relation to my posture, and that this experience of strangeness wasn’t really real – and as such I pushed through and began to walk with my back straight at all times, and my shoulders slightly tucked back – aligning my shoulders with my spine.

Now I’ve begun to work of correcting my posture while sitting, which is so-far proving to be much more tough, and much more painful – and so I’ve asked Sunette for support on this point, as to whether this pain was only in relation to my muscles becoming sore from this new form of sitting, or whether the pain was also related to my mind. Here is the answer:

Viktor you haven’t been sitting like that most your life – thus, posture change change muscle experience though the consequence of the previous ‘hunched’-posture can consider hiding/’not wanting to be seen’ / ‘not wanting to face you’

Thus I will investigate 1) hiding 2) not wanting to be seen 3) not wanting to face myself; this will as such be a series of three blog-posts – investigating the secrets and various dimensions of hiding.

1) Hiding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as hiding – wherein I will hide myself from others and myself – because I fear showing myself, within the belief that there is something terribly wrong with me; and that if I show myself to myself or others – that I will become judged/ridiculed because of this wrongness that I exist and live as; instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that the only wrongness I exist as is that I don’t accept and allow myself to show myself/express myself/and in-fact live in this reality one and equal – accepting and allowing myself to step out of my comfort zone and get to know myself, as well as others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as hiding – within and as the belief that I am not strong/courageous/powerful/ready enough to face the world and myself – and as such within interaction with others hold myself back; and in terms of seeing/getting to know myself – never accepting and allowing myself to recognize what I experience within me, and who I am within me in situations/moments – thinking that: “I am simply not ready to handle this” – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that this is merely a completely illogical justification/excuse as to why it’s okay that I do not change myself – within this I accept and allow myself to see/realize/understand that it’s completely fucked up to exist as hiding – and that my top priority within myself should in-fact be to change myself – and to make everything in my power to change myself in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form and shape my body one and equal as hiding – accepting and allowing myself to walk hunched, and with my shoulders hiding my breast, and my solar plexus – as such creating consequences for myself – damaging my spine and making it difficult for me to sit properly for long periods of time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not step out of character – through accepting and allowing myself to stop hiding myself, and to see/realize/understand that hiding myself – as in holding myself back – stepping backwards and attempting to not be seen/recognized while I am interacting with other human beings – is completely limiting me, and isn’t in anyway fun – it’s not worth it in anyway to hold unto this creation within and as me as hiding – as such I commit myself to in every moment of breath stand up in a posture wherein I don’t accept and allow myself to hide myself – and to express myself effectively, and accept and allow myself to be see/recognized/heard when I am with people – not anymore fearing to actually live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself in fear of facing conflict – as such hiding myself when I participate with other human beings – not expressing myself self-honestly, but only expressing myself in such way that I know that others will behave, be towards me in a “pleasant” and “calm” manner – because all that I do is agree with others at all times; instead of accepting and allowing myself to step forth within and as my reality – as myself – as self-honesty – and as such accept and allow myself to not merely follow along at all times but dare to stand self-independent, and regardless of what others think/feel about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never disagree with others – never – because I am to afraid to say anything that isn’t in line with what I know that another agree with; as such I will agree with everything that another say, and never attempt/try to disagree – existing within and as fear/anxiety that another will become angry at me; as such existing/living in hiding – wherein I will at all times make sure that I hide the real me – that I hide what I see in moments, if what I see isn’t in correlation with what I know that others agree with – instead of accepting and allowing myself to stop hiding myself, and to see/realize/understand that hiding myself is not living – it’s in-fact being utterly stone dead – because everything I do is done to honor and live for fear – and obviously living for fear – I am not here – thus dead

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be attracted towards people that dare to be different, and dare to speak up – and say what they think even though everyone around them completely rejects them; because that is what I want to be/live within and as me – and that is what I know that I’ve disregarded and suppressed within and as me – instead accepting and allowing myself to create myself as a placid, shy, nervous character – that isn’t ever seen/heard – and that nobody in-fact knows exist – because I am so good at always doing that which others expect of me that nobody even notice me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of coming out from my hiding, to instead idolize and attempt to make friends with beings in my world that I’ve seen possess this quality of being able to speak up, and speak out – and not be disturbed, or moved by the fact that a great number of people are completely annoyed with what they are saying; within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to let myself see to the extent that I’ve limited myself existing as the hiding character – where I will always exist within and as fear that a part of the real me will be seen by others – in fear as to how this will affect and influence others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a expert at being liked and appreciated by everyone – and become a expert at being no hassle at all to anyone what-so-ever because I will do what anyone asks of me immediately without even considering within me – whether what I am doing is common sense or completely stupid – within this forgive myself that I haven’t accept and allowed myself to develop the courage within me to break character – and to not simply live to please, and satisfy – live to be a “nice and social person” – but instead step out of character and make/create myself and my life to be something that is more than simply desiring to be liked/appreciated at all times

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself – to not only hide from others, but also within me – refuse to see how I experience myself, what I backchat about – what reactions that I have – and what is actually going on within me – as such existing within a double hiding – wherein I will hide on the outside, and I will hide on the inside – as such living a complete lie, not having any touch with/insight into reality – as my relationship with myself is completely fake because all I ever do is pretending with myself, as well as my relationships with others is fake – because all I ever do is pretending that I am someone that I am not; instead of accepting and allowing myself to stop this stupid pattern, and see that I am only creating this pattern because I fear the truth of me, and that I fear facing conflict – both within and without; but I see/realize/understand that living a lie is not worth anything – it sucks – as such I push/will myself to step out of my lie and to manifest/create myself here as real – as not anymore lying/pretending – but in-fact getting to know myself for real, and develop real and actual relationships with others wherein my interaction isn’t based upon being liked – but instead me expressing and directing me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sticking out – and to fear being annoying/perceived as annoying by others – and as such commit myself to a life of seclusion, wherein the real me – and the real experience of myself is never shown or uttered/spoken – and do the same within myself – wherein I’ve never accepted and allowed myself to in-fact recognize how I exist within me – thinking/believing that what I exist/live as is bad – as such myself being a bully towards myself, as that which I fear others will do unto me – through me – the moment I see something within me – instead of recognizing this, and allowing myself to look deeper into what it is that I experience/think – immediately suppress the point – in fear of me judging and seeing myself as bad; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my living both within and without overly complicated – wherein I’ve constructed/created characters upon characters attempting and trying to hide the real truth of myself – instead of simply seeing the truth of myself and then assist/supporting myself to change this truth of myself into something that I am proud of and can stand by into eternity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that the consequence of hiding is stagnation – that I will simply remain the same because I am not willing to admit to myself my weaknesses, my points of backchat and reaction – and also my external reality will remain the same – because I am not willing to speak up, and to in-fact take the driver seat of my reality – to not accept and allow my external reality to be whatever that it wants to be – but to instead push/impulse my external reality to be what is best for all – equally as I push and impulse myself each day to change myself and stand up as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself as to my tendency of hiding myself both within and without – so that I can as such release myself from this limiting pattern and instead start living for real – as seeing the real me within me – working with the real issues I have within me – as well as speaking real words with those in my world/reality – talking about real issues and problems – and finding a solution to these – and as such expand both within and without – with the consequence of what is best for all manifesting

I commit myself to step out of my comfort zone – and to get to know myself as well as others; within this seeing/realizing/understanding that there is nothing wrong/shameful about me that I must hide from myself/others – but that this is merely an excuse/justification that I’ve created so that I don’t have change; I see the stupidity in not wanting to change – and as such I remove this excuse/justification – and I will myself to in every moment stop hiding from myself, as well as others – one and equal

I commit myself to not hold myself back when interacting/participating with others, and I commit to get to know the real me – and not continue to hide from myself through as a experience come up within me – think that: “oh well, that was nothing – no need to look on that anymore – this just came up once, it’s nothing” – but to instead recognize the point that came up – and later write about the point – and as such open up to myself the entirety of myself – as all of myself – not accepting and allowing myself to have a single secret existing within me

I commit myself to correct my posture – and to do this slowly but surely, so that I do not strain my human physical body – but I see/realize/understand that I’ve created this in-effective posture during a long time, and as such I see/realize/understand that it will take a long time to correct my posture, and make myself able to sit straight without experiencing pain or discomfort in my spine or back-area

I commit myself to as I interact with others – to not hunch my shoulders inwards, and take a step backwards – attempting to make myself small and unnoticeable – to try and hide myself; but I instead correct my posture, I stand straight up and open up my shoulders – and I accept and allow myself to participate with others – communicate/speak when the opportunity open up to do so – and to not accept and allow myself to let me be controlled and directed by and through fear

I commit myself to speak/interact self-honestly – and to stop my pattern/behavior of hiding myself in the “I agree”-character – wherein I will speak and interact from a starting point of attempting and trying to have others remain “calm” and “nice” towards me – through agreeing and remaining neutral in every way – no matter what others do or say in the moment – and as such I commit myself to speak and live – and be self-honest – even though this will bring forth conflict in my world – and as such not fear conflict – but to stand stable in conflict and remain with my principle as to walking/living/speaking what is best for all – as common sense

I commit myself to not agree with others – simply because I fear disagreeing – and instead speak/communicate within and as common sense – and really ask myself within myself – whether I am in-fact agreeing, or disagreeing with the point presented – or whether I simply do not care about the point – as such pushing myself to be self-honest; and to not play apart in another’s life within wanting and desiring to be accepted – but to instead accept and allow myself to be perceived as unconventional and strange – not fearing this – honoring myself as my individual self-expression that comes forth in the moment – not attempting and trying to control me in order to keep my reality stable; obviously seeing/realizing/understanding that I will due to the shape/form of our current money system have to compromise this point of unconditional self-expression – due to me requiring money, and me having express myself as certain pleasurable, and agreeable characters to be able to attain such money

I commit myself to awaken/develop within me that which I see and admire within others – as being able to speak up and be heard – and stand stable within that speaking up regardless if others become angry and menacing towards that person for what he said; as such I accept and allow myself to develop and grow as myself – self-independence and assertiveness

I commit myself to instead of making friends with people that I admire – in order to feel close to the characteristics/living applications of others that I’ve suppressed and denied with myself; to instead develop/create these points within and as me – and as such learn from others – and be self-honest within myself as to what it is that I admire within others, and want to create within me and live as

I commit myself to step out of the “nice and social character” – and live by a principle that is beyond self-interest as the desire to be liked; and develop myself to instead participation with others take into consideration what is best for all – and not what is best for my character of wanting and desiring to be accepted – I remove this character and I birth in it’s place the ability to consider common sense

I commit myself to stop lying and pretending both within and without; and as such face what I fear as the truth of myself, and the conflict of myself – and to as such face the conflict both within and without; seeing/realizing/understanding that a living a lie is not worth anything at all – and that the only acceptable way to live is to stop the lie and become real – with myself – and with others

I commit myself to make the living of myself both within and without – as simple as breathing; and as such stop creating characters within and without – stop attempting to run away from the truth, and stop attempting to create characters of being pleasurable and nice in order to have others like me; but instead discover/develop the real me – as who I am as the physical – as a physical being with no experience/reaction

I commit myself to step out of the character as the allower – as the hiding-character – that simply let everything within and without slide past without attempting/trying/making a change – speaking up – and directing what is within and without; as such I commit myself to stop seeing my life as a movie that simply passes me by – but to instead stand up within myself and direct myself in every moment of breath according to common sense – as what is best for all; seeing/realizing/understanding that it’s up to me to change me, and that it’s up to me to change/direct my reality in such a way that I see is best for all – no-one else is going to do it for me

I commit myself to be honest with myself – and start living for real – and speaking for real/communicating for real – both with myself and others; and as such stop living a lie – and become physical