Tag Archives: failure

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Day 376: Stopping The Roller Coaster At Work

I can understand why there are many that dislikes working. During those eight hours, or more, you are basically forced to do things, move, participate, act, and the primary motivation is survival. Further, at work we have to deal with forced relationships. These are relationships we have not chosen, but that come together with the work. The things mentioned are usually a recipe for inner conflict, dissatisfaction, discomfort, and many other emotional experiences; similar to Job – at the job – most of us have to face some tough shit. Though, during my process of self-purification, I have come to see that work, is really a perfect place for SELF-EXPANSION and SELF-MOVEMENT; because it offers a smorgasbord of various experiences, reactions, misaligned relationships, ripe for changing, for anyone interested in expanding and moving themselves beyond their pre-programmed self.

Hence today, I will revisit one of my more deeply ingrained patterns, that keep recurring, and you guessed right, at work. And it has to do with my relationship with superiors. A couple of weeks ago I was assigned to do a project together with a couple of my colleagues. I felt honored and proud to be selected to work with this project, because it was particularly difficult, and required a specific expertise. For some moments, a couple of days, I was in high spirits. Then, disaster struck, at one point in the project, I was not able to execute the needed actions as well as I felt was needed. I became worried and afraid that my superior would react, and went into a state of self-judgment/fear/anxiety. Thus, I am able to see that in relation to work, and in relation to producing results, I am very much driven/motivated by the perceived reactions of my superiors. If I notice that I get positive feedback, I become energetic, positive, happy, and full of drive. If the opposite happens, I become depressed, fearful, and filled with judgment.

This is not a healthy or sustainable way of relating to work. Why? Because work becomes a roller-coaster, ups and downs, highs and lows, because it is not possible for me to only do things ‘right’, to do the things solely in the way my superiors want it. Self-value, self-respect, motivation, determination, must thus be sourced from a different place – these cannot be words the I rely on my superiors to give to me – rather – I must be them myself – and stand unconditionally.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with either feelings of positiveness, when I feel that I have done something that will please my superior, or with emotions of negativity, when I experience that I have done something that will displease or aggravate my superior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become controlled by fear, and feelings of positiveness, to move myself utilizing these experiences as my motivation, my engine of driving myself forward, instead of sticking with what is practical, easy, what works, and what I can do with the time I have available – and measure my production, my results, not against what my superiors say, but rather against what I myself see for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with fear and desire – to believe, on a deep level within myself, that these are the key experiences that I require to make something out of myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, how I have missed, and devalued, the point of expressing, moving, and creating for and as myself – where it is not about fear of feeling, but about self-expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete when I am at work, to define my successes, or failures, in relation to how I feel that I am competing against others, as to whether I am better than them, or whether I am less than them, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that, I can express, move, and be just as effective, when I utilize self-movement, when I move myself physically, and it is not dependent upon someone say to, or telling me that I am better than, or less than anyone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my value in relation to how well my superiors react to me, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression, my response at work to either fear or feeling, instead of simply seeing that my superiors is about him or her, and that I do not need to define myself according to this response, and that I can find my own principles, my own movement, my own direction within life, where it is not dependent upon what someone else things of me, and how someone else reacts to me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel proud, happy, and content when I am selected to do something difficult, and then perceive that my value is higher, more than, better, than what it was before – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my value is the same, and that it does not physically change me that I was selected for this, and obviously it should not change me mentally either, because I am still the same, I am still moving myself, directing myself, within and as the same sort of considerations, it is still about me here – and my expression – and not about what someone else thinks about me and who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remind myself that my value is my own to create – that my value is about the value that I give not the perceived value that I receive from my superiors – it is about who I am – what I contribute – that I can see and clarity for myself – that is real value – value that is not defined in the limited contexts of how others react or feel towards me depending on what it is that I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remind myself that it is not about what I do – it is about who I am within what I do – thus it does not matter what project I am selected to do – or who I work with – it is about all about who I am

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into a positive experience of pride, feeling appreciated, good about myself, powerful, because I perceive a superior of mine as noticed me, and either commended me, or put me to work on something that I perceive as important, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand – how this experience within me does not signify real value, expansion, movement, real worth and progress, it is an experience, something that arise because of a misaligned relationship, and I see that if I participate in it, I will create its opposite polarity; thus I commit myself to breathe – and to remind myself – I do this for and as myself – I determine my own success – my own movement – my own direction – I assess myself and where I am going – and for this – I do not need nor do I require my superiors assessment – I commit myself to take back my own direction through standing with and as myself and being own pillar of support

When and as I see myself going into a negative experience of sadness, self-judgment, self-hate, failure, and falling, because I perceive that a superior of mine as judged me, or disliked what I have done, I immediately stop myself, i take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that it is not about what my superior experiences – that who I am in relation to what I am doing is something that I determine – is something that I assess – and if I am satisfied with my expression – then I am satisfied – and if I am not – then I am not – and then I will push to improve – however – that has nothing to do with what my superior thinks, feels, or does; thus I commit myself to breathe deeply and release these emotions – and then for myself – look at my expression within what I am doing or have done – and see whether I am content or not – whether there is something I can learn or take with this or not

 


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MY FAVORITE

Day 326: When Things Does Not Go According To Plan

Let us face it. Some times things do not go according to plan, do not turn out the way we imagined, feel the way we hoped, or shape the way we envisioned – sometimes mistakes happens. For me, this has happened in relation to the house I was recently part of building together with my partner. We mapped everything out, planned, considered, and looked, and yet, when the finished product is manifested HERE, there are things I am not satisfied with.

For example, the shower has been located in a area of the bathroom with a very low ceiling, making it impossible for someone that is taller than 1.90 cm to use it efficiently. I am able to do it, however, if it was to be, that anyone else is will live here in the future, that is tall, they would have a problem. What has particularly bothered me about this mistake is that I did have an opportunity to intervene and direct the point. I remember that I got home from work, and my partner showed me how the carpenters had set up the bathroom, and I could immediately see that the shower room would become a problem. I said this to my partner, who told me to tell this to the carpenters so that they could change the construction. Then, I said, it is too late anyway! They have already begun to build!

And it was true, they had begun to build already, however at that time, they had only yet put up the wooden framework, and it would have been easy to relocate and change the disposition of the room. But I did not say anything, and then, layer upon layer was added, and now, it is a complete bathroom, and changing the location of the shower room now, would imply a complete re-building of the toilet – and that is NOT something I am particularly interested in at the moment.

The problem I am faced with now, is that every time I enter into the shower, I become irritated, and annoyed, and start thinking about this shower, and that it is not effectively placed, how I could have changed the outlook of it if I would have stuck to my guns, to moment, immediately as I saw that the planning of the toilet would become a problem.

Today as I walked into the toilet, and this backchat emerged within me, I decided to change it, and look at it differently. Because, instead of seeing this, according to me, badly located shower, as a thorn in my side, and a constant reminder that I did something wrong, it is instead something that I can utilize to learn and expand. And I have realized that mistakes will never cease to happen, I will not one day become sufficiently perfect to never make mistakes. Every time I venture into a new area of expression, a new phase and part of my life, regardless if that is building a house, taking on a new career, starting a new hobby, there WILL be mistakes. In-fact, mistakes is a natural part of the growth process, of learning something, finding myself within it, becoming accustomed to, and making decisions of what I like, and what I do not like, what is acceptable and what is not acceptable.

Hence, this poorly located shower, it is a reminder to myself that it is important to be self-honest, to not accept and allow myself and my world to be less than what it could be, and to when I find out that something is not effectively aligned, to then make sure that I act, and that I walk the process of correcting the point. AND – that I must dare and practice the courage of SHARING myself when I am dissatisfied with something, and not assume that it is too late, or that I am wrong, or that I should not say anything, but to act, move and direct myself, to see what possible, potential solutions there are for the problem I am faced with.

Not only does this bathroom offer me the opportunity to learn something when it comes to other parts of my life, it is also a great challenge in practicing living words. Because what I noticed happens within me, when I start to become irritated as to how the bathroom looks like, is that I become hard, grave and stern. I have however asked myself, would I feel like this if I was a child and made this mistake with the shower? And the answer is NO, I would not have. The reason is that as a child, I was more in the moment, more HERE, and not as invested into my belongings, as long as the shower worked, and warm water came out, it was all to my liking. And the difference between myself now, and myself as a child, was that my focus back then was HERE on me expressing, moving, directing myself in the MOMENT – I was more light-hearted and embracing of my reality regardless of how it looked. Thus, this shower problem offers me an opportunity to practice this expression of being light-hearted, easygoing and carefree that I stood as when I was a child. I do not have to make everything so serious! It is just a shower and nothing more!

This concludes my stories with the failed shower. For anyone walking through similar issues, my suggestion is to embrace the child within you, the wild, playful, carefree, and easy-going expressions that once existed within us, and that we are able to embody and live again. Fuck-ups and mistakes is a part of life, thus, let us embrace them, learn from them, and move and to perfect our creations, and obviously, dare to make more mistakes!



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Day 314: When Work Does Not Go Very Well

Some posts ago I wrote about being calm and stable in relation to work and learning to embrace failures, mistakes, fuck-ups, and other unwanted, negative occurrences in my job. Today, I had the perfect opportunity to observe this point in action. I do not need to give more context than the fact that I made a BIG MISTAKE at work – and people got upset, worried and nervous – yet – still – even though my world was seemingly shaky – deep inside of myself I experienced a calm.

Where did this calm come from? It came from knowing and understanding how reality operates, that in learning a new trade, there will be mistakes, and in walking day-to-day living, there will be unforeseen and unwanted outflows – they can be minimized through practice, presence, thoughtfulness, and discipline – but they cannot be removed – as long as we live in a physical reality with a myriad of dimensions, most of them unknown to us, moving and interacting at the same time, things will happen that we cannot control and today, such a point manifested.

Instead of going into a reaction, instead of judging myself, instead of becoming worried, fearful, and nervous, I took a breath, and I looked at the point objectively – and what I have seen to be so important when it comes to living calm is the skill of retaining perspective on things. And with perspective I mean the following: It is so easy to exaggerate and blow things out of proportion – we make a mistake and we feel awful about it – though in the grand scheme of things – it is only one bad day that eventually will become but a memory – that we might even laugh at and enjoy later on – because WOW what a fucking mistake we made!

I find that old people are generally better at approaching mistakes with light heart, probably because they have seen so much shit, walked through so many mistakes, and experienced so many negative occurrences, that they are just used to it; hence – they have perspective on things. I am however still young, so I have not accumulated that amount of experience, but it does not stop me from creating perspective in me when things go wrong. The solution I apply is that I ask myself: How bad will this look in fifty years? And the answer I get is that – I will probably be dead at that time or at least – not remember ANYTHING of what happened. Thus, fretting and worrying over mistakes is a WASTE OF MY TIME.

Though, that being said, mistakes are also a gold mine, because for each mistake, there is something that can be learned. For example, a couple of days ago I made the mistake of forgetting a task that I had committed to take on. Instead of becoming worried about it, I asked myself: What can I learn from this? And I saw that when it came to remembering duties, and directing responsibilities, an effective rule of thumb is to either act immediately and get it done when the point is here, or immediately take a physical note, and make sure that I get back to the point later on. Applying this rule of thumb I can avoid having to face a future moment where I again forget something, and thus, I can create a positive physical outflow for myself, that will become more than a memory, but actually a gift in my life, and something that will assist and support me to expand.

To summarize: Mistakes will happen and usually we exaggerate and overreact – AND – mistakes can be used as LEARNING POINTS – and as a motivation to push ourselves to expand – consider more dimensions – develop skills and abilities – and become more effective at what we do.

Hence, when a mistake enters into our world – what we should say is: Cool! A mistake! Let me see what I can learn here!


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Day 282: A Hell of A Day

Today, I had a hell of a day. And with that, I mean that I had a day where I faced many new experiences, and reactions, of which, particularly one stands out – the desire to impress, and its polarity opposite, the fear of being useless.

I really enjoy the way that my work is challenging me when it comes to this point. Because my work currently is about tightly cooperating with others, and in that my efforts are continuously being evaluated, by myself obviously, and the benchmark of my evaluations is how I perceive that others see/receive my work. For instance today, I had a moment where I walked up to one of my colleagues, as we where to have a meeting, and it turned out that I was half an hour early to the meeting – lol. In that I moment I experienced a big fat embarrassment in my chest area, as well as a fear tightening my chest – because in that moment I perceived my actions/behavior as a weakness.

So, it is interesting how deeply ingrained this point is within me of wanting/desiring to be someone to another, and how severely it is limiting me. Fact is, that when I strive to be something for another, my experience of myself in what I am doing shifts from me, here, applying myself, to learn, expand and grow in my application, into a state of fear, where the murmuring backchat is of the following nature: ‘What do they think of me?’ – ‘Did I do this right?’ – ‘Did I make a fool out of myself now?’ – ‘Oh my god, they are going to dislike me forever now!’ – it is like a constant momentum of anxiety that I get pulled into that then defines my day, my work, and what I do.

And, the interesting part of this is that I know how much I could enjoy my work, and the learning experience I could create it to be, if I would be able to let go of my drive to please, and my fear of displeasing – because the work offers so much potential for learning, growing, expanding and becoming more effective. Really, it is similar to school, we constantly do things because others tell us to, and after a while it is all about the recognition, all about what others think of us, and not about our own expression/experience/momentum within what we are doing.

The solution is to redefine work, redefine living, redefine myself, from survival to living – and that means – understanding that life becomes so much more when the veils of fear are released and one is instead able to focus on the actual living, the actual participation, the actual interaction with life here – and one have energy, and space within to process this world, and all the information that is constantly moving. From what I see for myself, what stands in my way is fears and desires – very basic mental experiences that are stopping me from becoming what I can become. Because I do like my chosen profession, I do like the constant learning, expanding, and growing that exists within it – however to really access that potential fear must go.

However, I will not give up until I am able to stand, and walk in my chosen profession as an expression of real living, with no fear – that is my reference point – that is my goal and where I want to get to. Now the work begins to get there, which involves, applying self-forgiveness, and the specifying my corrective applications. Challenges, mistakes, faults, and errors are not meant to be feared – we are supposed to learn from them, grow, expand and welcome them into our lives, as they offer us an opportunity to become even more effective.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being appreciated by my colleagues or bosses – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself dependent upon others appreciating me, others thinking that I am good, others defining me as being an asset, etc. and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give this to myself

I recognize that I am an asset, that I have many qualities, skills and abilities that I can use to give and create a world that is better for all participants involved

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being outcasted by my colleagues and bosses

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes – in the fear that my colleagues or bosses are then going to judge me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake in fear of what that might lead to and create in my life in terms of future career opportunities – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed about my future – about what might come to pass – and forget about myself here in the moment – and the process that I am walking – and how I can in-fact use what I am doing to empower myself as an individual – however it is required then that I push the point of actually doing it for and as myself and not to satisfy my bosses and colleagues

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my life when I am out in the system, working, creating relationships, and more, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify this experience thinking that life is dangerous, that I need this fear to keep on my toes, not realizing that it’s not about need – it is about habit – and within that not realizing that I can create for more supportive ways of living and participating in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that a reason as to why very few people are able to become knowledgeable and superior in their professional field is because the focus is elsewhere, the focus is not on learning, understanding and empowering oneself within the work one is doing – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to empower myself in my field, I must focus on the work, the field, and the learning of that work, that must be where my energy goes, and in this I cannot accept and allow fear to be a part of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not presenting a good enough work, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that when my focus is on presenting a good work to another, then I am not actually focusing on the work that I am doing HERE – and how I can empower myself within the work that I am doing – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the key to remember is that what I focus on will grow – if I focus on what I fear – that will grow – if I instead focus on my relationship and application within the work that I do – then that will grow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not, when and as I notice that I am getting high strung at work, and I go into some form of a rush-energy, to take a moment to stop up, to go grab a cup of coffee, drink some water, or take a walk, and support myself to get out of that experience, or apply some self-forgiveness, stop up for some moments and ground myself back into my body, remind myself of my starting point, my why in the work that I am doing, to learn as much as possible, to expand, and empower myself within the field of law, to in the future be able to use this to create a difference in this world that will make life better for all human beings – that is my starting point – not fear – not anxiety – not worry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes, because I fear that my superiors are going to judge me, and that this will have ramifications for me in that I will not be able to get a job in the future, and feel secure and safe in my living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to with regards to money, and security, exist in this polarity, where I sometimes, usually when I get money, feel secure, safe, and sound, and then when I am at work, and I perceive that there is a risk I am not going to get money, go into fear, anxiety, and worry that I am not going to be able to survive, because I might become fired from my job – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that my participation in this sense/feeling of security is actually creating the opposite polarity of fear, and anxiety – and hence I commit myself to let go of both of these polarities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my colleagues or bosses are cryptically judging, or showing their discontent with me, when they look a little angry, or say something that could be interpreted as them thinking that I am not good at what I am doing – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no point in caring what others think about me – what is important is that I know what I am doing – I know what I am pushing – I know what I am walking – and that I am walking to my utmost ability – and in that I know that I am doing what I can do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution is that I must take ownership of my life, my work, my professional career, everything I do, make it mine and thus not anymore do it to satisfy another – but to create a purpose within it that I can walk, where I have my starting point, where I have my direction, and where I know/see how I am going to create myself within it all

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to use my current work to learn as much about law and the legal system as I am able to – and I commit myself to focus my physical and mental energy on this process of learning, of understanding, and seeing the flaws, and mistakes, and the machinery of this system, and thus not anymore accept and allow fear to be a focus in my day-to-day living

When and as I notice that I am going into a state of rush, and inner speed, and where this is shown through becoming absent minded, forgetting things, and being generally incapable of focusing effectively, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that to ground myself back in my body, I require some moments for myself – I require some moments of breathing, applying self-forgiveness, and focusing myself back here – and thus I commit myself to give myself those moments – there is time for that – because I realize what a difference this will make for me – and how much more comfortable and relaxed I will be in my physical body as I get home – and how much more rested I will be as I wake up the next day – as I will not have abused and harmed my body through participating in stress, anxiety, and fear

I commit myself to walk my life with no fear, stress and anxiety, and show that it is possible to do this – and I commit myself to not fear mistakes

I commit myself to in relation to my profession, my career, to create a purpose within it, to thus create ownership in relation to all parts of my life, so that I am walking/creating for and as myself – walking and creating according to my plans, and according to what I see myself achieving in this life, and hence not within and as the fear of what my bosses, and colleagues might think about me – and thus I commit myself to take ownership in all parts of my life – to redefine who I am in the areas of my life where I notice that there is still fear and anxiety – as I understand that such reactions indicate that there is till a separation and that I have not effectively claimed ownership in relation to the point

Day 277: Performance Paranoia

Today’s blog will be about performance paranoia. Now, what is then performance paranoia?

Well, performance paranoia is that voice that can come up in your mind, that movement of fear in your chest, that slight perspiration forming on your forehead, and that increase of your heart rate, that happens when – you in some way or another have to perform.

In my life at the moment, performance paranoia has come through strongly when it comes to work, and wanting to show my bosses and co-workers that I can do the job effectively, precisely, and without making mistakes. Thus, I have wished to perform before my colleagues, and this have caused performance paranoia, because the moment there is something I want to achieve from/through another, what happens? Fear is created.

So, if we look at the polarity construct of performance paranoia, it consists of, on the one hand the desire to be liked/accepted/validated, and on the other hand, the fear of reprimands/being disliked or pushed away. There is thus always a conflict going on when an action is motivated from within and as performance paranoia – the conflict between the desire to be liked and the fear of not being liked. That is obviously not a very cool way to live, and fascinatingly enough, such a mind pattern actually decreases and diminishes one’s capacity to perform. Because where is our attention? Not on what we are doing HERE – rather it is on what we should NOT do, and what we SHOULD do, and how others might, or might not potentially react to our actions.

What is the missing puzzle piece here? Why does performance paranoia exist to begin within? If we look at what is the underlying desire within performance paranoia, which is to be accepted/liked/valued/included, we can conclude that the root cause of this polarity construct is that self has not yet lived self-acceptance and self-love – and here I mean an unconditional self-acceptance, and a unconditional self-love. And further, self as not yet developed an ownership in relation to work and careerseeing, realizing and understanding that work and career are actually parts of self and not something that is to be achieved and created ‘out there’.

Thus, solution: Develop self-worth, self-value, self-acceptance, and self-love, particularly in relation to the work environment.

And now for the more difficult question, how is this practically done?

Well, one point that I see immediately is to stop harassing and judging myself when I make mistakes. Mistakes must be embraced and seen as a natural part of self-development – a natural part of any process of learning. Hence, even though another might become irritated and judgmental because I have made a mistake, I cannot accept and allow myself to be like that with myself. Regardless, I must stand within acceptance and self-love, and embrace the mistake. Though, that does not mean that I should simply accept myself as bad at something, no, it simply means that the self-development and improvement, where I push myself to excel, that movement must be birthed from within and as a sense of genuine joy, creativity, exploration, and desire to improve on myself – not from within and as a starting point of lack.

Another solution would be to give myself ownership of my work, to instead of ‘doing it for them’ – start doing it for me. And within this start pushing myself to really excel, be precise, specific, and detailed in all aspects of work, for myself, that is something that I do to challenge myself, and to become more effective at what I am doing – and within this make the starting point in this creation process that genuine joy that exists within challenging myself and expanding myself in skills and abilities.

The rewards of this would naturally be that work becomes something real, something I do for me, a place where I go and where I develop, expand, and push myself for myself, and not to be liked, or appreciated by another. And where work is not a place where I fear to be judged, because I have stopped self-judgment, and hence, work instead becomes a playground of exploration, where I have the opportunity to push and develop certain skills and abilities, and refine myself, and my capabilities in my chosen field even more.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have to change my relationship to work, that I cannot expect my bosses or colleagues to make my work rewarding, enjoyable, fascinating, and developing, I must create and build that myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to do that – I must claim ownership of my work, and my career, to within this see that my work, and my career is a part of me, and thus something I have to develop and create within me, and something that will reflect my relationship with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my relationship with work is my responsibility, and that I cannot give that over to anyone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to live fulfillment in my life, I must fulfill myself, and this is something that I do through a process of self-creation, where I actively, in all parts of my life, create myself, see how I can develop and expand myself, see how I can push my skills and abilities even further, see how I can become more effective, more stable, more directive, and learn more, and thus constantly push myself to expand – and I see, realize and understand, that this is the joy of living, working, and walking a career path, that there is constantly room for expansion and improvement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I actually enjoy my work – a lot – yet – when I accept and allow myself to become influenced by others, and their negative experiences to work, this causes me to lose sight of myself, and my own relationship with work, where I actually enjoy getting into specifics, details, reading, and pushing myself to develop myself intellectually – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that in order to really enjoy work, I require to open the flood gates of self-expression, and vest myself in my career, and my work, to get into it, and not hold back, to accept and embrace it as a part of me, and a part of my life, and thus something that it is my responsibility to create

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is a truth that goes in all aspects of my life, that it is up to me to create them, it is up to me to define them, it is up to me to find that within them which I can use to support, enhance and create myself – nothing will just happen – nothing will just come and find me one day – no – I must be the creator and create that which I want in my life – be the directive principle – be the movement – the initiator – the shaper of my own life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to except things to change, to expect things to happen, to expect things to become better, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it will not – I will have to make that change – I will have to make that improvement – I will have to create that change – it will not come by itself – it will not magically appear – either I create it – or it will not be here

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to make work my own, to take ownership, and to each day push myself to expand, to learn, to develop my skills, to enhance my abilities, and proceed forward in my development – and in this I see that I am myself responsible for my self-creation – and thus I commit myself to embrace that responsibility and make work my playground of self-creation – where I can expand and develop skills so that I become a better human being

I commit myself to take ownership of my process of self-creation, and see that there is a opportunity of for self-creation in all parts and aspects of my life, and that is up to me to find that point of self-creation – it is up to me to define that point of self-creation – and it is up to me to make it happen – and thus I commit myself to write a list of all points that I want to push and create in my life – and thus push my process of self-expansion and self-development – and understand that when things do not move forward – it is because I do not move forward

Day 231: The Art of Doing It

“If you always put limit on everything you do, physical or anything else. It will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them.”

“If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you’ll never get it done.”

Bruce Lee

Sometimes there points open up that are obvious, and in my case, it was a movement that arose from within, coming through as a projection – where the projections was a picture of me following through on a project which entails me getting myself out into the system – out into the world – taking action – meeting people – speaking and interacting.

Just-Do-It-NowThe fascinating thing is that I didn’t take that projection into physical manifestation, it remained on a level of thought, a potential, a maybe – and even though I could experience and see – that this was something I wanted to do and that would allow me to grow and expand – I didn’t take it to the point of actual movement – and this is what I want to discuss in this blog today – identifying and forgiving this blockage that hinders me from movement.

In my case I can see this blockage quite clearly – and it’s called fear – and it’s not any fear – it’s fear of failure. This fear of failure leads me to get stuck in the stage of preparation – because one thing is a given – when I continually prepare and never go out there and give the show – I’m certain to never EVER fail. Though I’m also as certain to never do anything challenging and difficult with my life either – thus remaining in the stage of preparation is thus a recipe for mediocrity – and it’s also a form of complacency = complacency being the state where I’m fine and okay with the way things are – even though there is no movement/expansion/growth happening.

Thus – what I can see is that preparation is to a certain extent supportive – though at some point preparation – and getting ready for the future becomes a cave where we hide from stepping out into the unpredictable – and unfortunately that is what my preparation have become – a point of hiding.

Though – the cool thing about seeing this is that I can now begin taking steps to actually create my future and my life instead of preparing for it – so this is what I am now actively going to do – beginning with the small – which entails to see where I’ve postponed certain actions and points of direction – because I’ve been preparing into infinity – and easy as pancake making the decision to step out of preparation-mode – and put myself out there.

The worst thing that can happen is that I fail – and that is a much more enjoyable outcome than complacency and doing nothing at all.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stuck in a state of complacency and preparation – where I see what it is that I’d like to do and express – yet instead of taking that point here – and living it in my everyday life – I project outside of myself into a future that I must prepare for – which is a form of self-sabotage and hiding – because obviously I will never get out there and actually do something unless I step into my physical body and move out to get out there and do things – act – live – speak and share myself – and get points moving

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure – and in fear of failure hide myself in a state of non-doing – believing that through non-doing I can contain and save myself from the adversities of failure – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’m in-fact limiting and containing myself into a state of diminishing – because I’m not accepting and allowing myself to actively put myself out there – to actively go where I haven’t gone before – to actively expand myself – and move myself out of my comfort-zones – because I see, realize and understand that it’s in my challenging and moving myself through my comfort-zones that I will expand – grow – and become a more potent and effective human being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contain myself in preparation-mode – trying to save myself from the embarrassment and fear that could come into my body if I failed and didn’t manage to fulfill my ideals of success that I’ve created in my mind – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from self-creation – to hide from my potential and what I see myself doing in this world – through preparing – not realizing that in order to get good at something – and order to establishing myself within a certain field and learn new skills – I require to put myself out there and fail several times – and from this perspective failure is the road to greatness – because only through failing can I see what isn’t failure – and thus move myself to create that path for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to create myself and my life – and build myself – and do what it is that I want to do in this life – I require to take a chance and possibly – and that without accepting and allowing myself to take the risk of failure – there won’t be any movement – there won’t be any expansion and growth – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actively put myself out there – and create opportunities for challenging myself – growing – and expanding myself – and becoming more potent and established in my physical process as I take action to put myself out there into the world system and create a life for myself that I want to live and be a part of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that at some stage the time of preparation is done – and then I require to move myself out into the system and actually practice physically what I’ve walked in a protected environment of preparation – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy this process of moving myself out into the world system – of taking action – of creating and building myself – and seeing, realizing and understanding – that as with everything – it all begins with one step forward – one step followed by the other – and thus what will initially feel hard, difficult and challenging – will with time become easy and effortless – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to get out into the world system from within and as this understanding that it might feel difficult and hard now – though through me doing it again and again – I will become better at it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself through not taking action on the projections coming up in my mind – that I see are these potentials for self-creation that come up as a nudge within me – to go in that direction – to push that particular point – to walk that aspect of my life into creation – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress these nudges/experiences that come up within me – and instead of taking them into practical application – immediately go into and as a state of self-suppression and holding myself back – and containing myself through utilizing the thought that I must prepare myself more before I take the step out into the unknown

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s a lot of fun to take the step out into the unknown – and to do things that I’ve not yet done before – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s through putting myself out there and doing what I’ve not done before – that I grow – expand – and develop myself – that it’s through this process that I can become more – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this suppression is in-fact made out of fear – and that it’s a fear I use to protect my mind and my comfort zones to be exactly as they’ve always been – so that I don’t have to change and alter my ways – but that I can instead remain the same

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to step out of character – I require to do things differently – I require to walk down the path that I’ve haven’t tried – and do the things that I’ve not yet attempted – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live from this starting point of actively challenging myself – actively expanding myself – actively seeing how I can connect and network with others to put myself out there – and open up myself and my life to become more challenging and demanding – and realize that a life that is easy – is not a life that allows for self-expansion – because to expand there must be things to move and direct – learn and understand – there must be a growth where I move beyond what I thought myself to be

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that there is a particular aspect, or dimension, or point in my life that I’d like to pursue, and experience, and walk – and this comes up as a projection or slight movement within me – I commit myself to take that point up in me and honor it through moving myself into action – and not accepting and allowing myself to step back – and hold myself back in a point of suppression and fear – and thus I commit myself to nourish these small seeds of self-expansion that arise from within and take them into practical application – to as such expand myself, my life and my considerations – and go beyond what I think myself to be

When and as I see that I am going into a state of being comfortable with my life, being at ease, and having the feeling that I know everything to the tee, and there is no more challenges, I stop myself – I take breath and bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this experience indicates that I’m not pushing myself to get out there – that I am not creating opportunities for myself in my daily life – and not willing myself to expand my sphere of influence – and expand my skillsets and develop myself – and thus I commit myself to challenge myself to walk my life in such a way – that I continuously challenge myself – and move beyond what I thought I was capable of doing – continuously challenging myself to expand and grow – and become more effective – and realizing that this is the only way to live that is truly enjoyable and satisfactory

I commit myself to challenge myself – to move myself beyond my limitations – and I commit myself to make it a daily thing to not stop at what I perceive myself as being capable of – but realize that I can do more – that I can be more – and that it’s me that set the boundaries of my capabilities

Day 207: Making a Decision

Recently I’ve been walking the point of forming and creating a purpose for myself, and this have brought up some reactions of anxiety and stress – it’s quite interesting to see and I understand why this is so. It’s because I’ve not before in my life actually sat myself down to see what I can do, where I can contribute, how I can contribute, and then actually making that decision for myself as to what I am going to do. It’s definitely a challenge.

One of the points that I see is obfuscating the point of purpose for me is the emotion of fear – and stress – because usually this is the emotion that I’ve utilized in order to form a direction for myself in life. So, when I am now asking myself – where and how am I going to stand in this life? And I leave behind that point of fear as being my guidance for what I should do – what comes up within me is this point of silence and nothingness – and I realize that it’s here in this point of silence and nothingness that I must insert my new direction – my purpose – and that the reason why nothing is there already – is because I’ve not yet created anything.

The fear I want to work with in this blog is that of picking the wrong purpose – because what tends to happen is that I walk through the various options that I see would be valid for me – points in which I would be effective and that I will be able to push forward – and then when it comes to making the decision – selecting and deciding upon the way forward – what arise is fear and anxiety – because shit! What if I now select the wrong purpose? What if I realize some years into the future that I went into the wrong direction – and I didn’t go into the right direction? What if? What if?

Obviously – I must be willing to fail – I must embrace the possibility that I select a purpose for myself that simply isn’t my cup of tea – yes that is a possibility – and that some years into the future I realize that – hey! This point would suit me much better – here I would be able to really express myself and bring out my skills and life-experiences – and make the best use of them possible! This is a reality with all forms of decisions – that it might turn out to be a ineffective decision that one later realize could’ve been made in a different way.

Though if I don’t embrace and accept that possibility of failure, I’ll simply never ever make a decision – and that is not an existence worth living – just remaining stuck in a state of waiting for the right decision to emerge and come to me – not realizing that I must make the decision – walk the decision – and implement the decision – and only then will reality emerge and the point open up – and I’ll be able to see whether to take it in a different direction or follow on the course I’ve set out for myself.

Thus – the obstacle that must be removed is that of the fear of making the wrong decision – instead I must accept and allow myself to stand in the courage of walking into the unknown – making the decision and walking it and seeing what will unfold – that is the way ahead and the only way that I can actually move myself to create something – the other way is to never fail with anything – yet that will imply not ever getting out of bed in the morning and doing anything whatsoever – and what kind of life is that?

Living and making decisions implies a variable of uncertainty – a variable that is unknown that can’t be foreseen – it must be lived – and what I want to create as myself is the courage to walk into that uncertainty with my head held high – not accepting and allowing myself to remain in a position of stand-still hoping that something will come to me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of making a decision in fear that it’s the wrong decision – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wait with making decisions because I somehow believe that the right decision will simply come to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing and embrace the possibility of making the wrong decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to polarize myself in relation to decision-making – wherein I on the one hand imagine me making the right decision – a decision that will bring happinessfulfillment – and enjoyment into my life – and on the other hand imagine making a decision that will make my life fruitless – boring and unfulfilling – and thus I forgive myself that accepted and allowed myself to exist between these two polarities of either the perfect decision – or the opposite of the perfect decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this anxiety within me of making a decision and moving forward – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to know beforehand what the decision will lead me into – what will arise from the decision – what will come from the decision – what will happen when I make the decision – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spin myself into a state of imagination in trying to calculate my future – instead of realizing that making a decision implies risk – implies a certain variable of unknown

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the decision to live courage – in making a decision – standing by that decision – and walking the consequences of that decision – and then when I’m on the other side – evaluate and look what I’m able to learn – what I’m able to take with me – what I can do more effectively – what I can do more specifically next time I stand before a decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a decision as to what purpose I’m going to select for myself in life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that it’s going to be the wrong purpose – that it’s going to be a purpose that will not fit me – that will not work with my life and my surroundings – and my other commitments – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can save myself from making a bad decision through not making any decision at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in not making any decision at all – I’m merely placing myself in a state of limbo – in a state of going backwards and forwards – though never actually making a decision and moving myself upon that – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this type of forward and back motion inside myself is what generates fear and anxiety – and thus I commit myself to actually make a decision – decide upon my purpose – then walk my purpose – and stop fearing that it’s the wrong purpose – rather walk it fully – completely – with my whole being and stop the thinking that is totally unnecessary

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed within and as thinking patterns of what is a good decision – and what that will lead me into – and what is a bad decision – and what that will lead me into – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself stuck in a limbo of back and forth backchat of where to go and where not to go – instead of looking at my options – then making a decision and going with it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make a decision as to where I want to go in life – and then go with it – stop worrying – stop existing in this state of fear – stop being ridiculously careful that I don’t make the wrong decision and instead allow myself to go for it – to simply do it – to realize that each process of deliberation must come to an end and that is where action must start – and that it’s ridiculous to simply deliberate and think about what I am going to do – because that is not how I create – I create through movement and through making my decision practical – physical – real and actual

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make my decision – but instead wait with making my decision in the belief that I will be filled with godly inspiration and have some form of epiphany that will make everything crystal clear – and I see, realize and understand that unfortunately nothing in life is that crystal clear – and that the best I can get is some form of muddy shit that I can see through somewhat – and make out the contours on the other side – and that is what I have to go on – then the next step is to make the decision – walk the decision – and bring the decision into fruition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that a faulty decision is better than an indecision – because when making a faulty decision I’ve actually made an effort – and I’ve moved myself to do something – and that is actually something that I can be proud of even though it didn’t lead to what I hoped – though a indecision is merely me standing back hoping that something will occur that then doesn’t occur – and in that I won’t have learned anything – but to stand and wait for things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the time for waiting is now over – and that I must make a decision and move myself – and that’s just the way it is – and that is what I will do – and I realize that making a decision even though it proves to be ineffective – far outweighs the consequences of not making a decision at all

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to make decisions when I stand before a choice

I commit myself to stand by the decisions that I make and walk them to their conclusion

I commit myself to create a purpose for myself – to decide upon a purpose and then walk it

I commit myself to not anymore wait for purpose and decisions to come to me – and thus I commit myself to actively move myself to make a decision and to stand by it

When and as fear comes up within me when making a decision, that I might be making the wrong decisions, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that following this fear will lead me into not making a decision AT ALL – and that I will remain in a limbo of simply not knowing where to go – what to do – and how to do it – and that is not how I want to lead my life – and thus I commit myself to make a decision – to see that making a decision is far better than not making a decision at all – even though the decision made is ineffective – because in making a decision – at least I’ve pushed myself and made an effort to create my life – and take responsibility for my life – and learned something through that – which will be far more valuable than just waiting for someone else to step into that position for me