Tag Archives: fear

Day 390: Not Enough Time For Process?

What I have been looking at recently is how to make sure that I am walking and moving myself in my process even though there is not as much time for writing and self-introspection as there used to be. I have found that writing is a superb technique for giving myself a moment to stop, to look, and to establish a direction for myself. However, it is not possible to do this the same way anymore, and hence revolution is required, a new paradigm must be shaped.

One way in which I have been able to incorporate process in my daily living is through applying self-forgiveness out loud every time I am driving by myself. Another way in which I have been able to do it is through applying self-forgiveness within myself each time I have a reaction. The next step as I see it, to support myself to make process even more so, a natural part of my life, by practicing the IMMEDIATE CORRECTION after I have applied self-forgiveness.

Thus far I have experimented with LIVING WORDS as a correction after I have applied self-forgiveness, which is challenging and expansive. After I have had a reaction and applied self-forgiveness, I look within myself to see whether there is a word I am able to embody that would assist and support me to change and align my inner experience. Today when I woke up, within me there was a undefined angst, I forgave the experience and looked within, and here I could see the word COMPLETION. Hence – I immediately went into application living the correction – COMPLETION – which I lived through being completely in my body – each part – being complete in myself – hence allowing myself to see, realize and understand that there is nothing more I need and require to chase and achieve – I am complete in my MYSELF here – and this chase and hunt to achieve something more – it is not real.

Hence – even though my life has changed – even though things are different – and there is less time – it does not have to mean that there is less process. Rather – this is an opportunity for myself to push and will myself to really make process part of my entire life – and not accept and allow myself to walk and apply process in but parts of my life.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am able to apply and make process part of all my life – that only because I do not have time to write, or apply self-forgiveness out loud, it does not have to mean that I must hold back in my process of self-creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to establish ways, methods, means of walking process HERE even though there is a time constraint – to see, realize and understand that this is a new challenge – where I will have to establish myself even though I cannot walk process the way I used to do it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that using the excuse that I cannot walk process because there is not enough time is not valid – because the only that is needed to walk process is me – and I am here in every breath – and thus I can push and will myself to make and have process be part of my everyday life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that process is WHO I AM – that it is thus something that I can walk regardless of circumstances – and hence I push and commit myself to walk process in every moment – to walk process in every breath – to make it part of my every step – and to practice living words as an immediate correction in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need things to complete me – that I need certain things to happen in the future to complete me – that I need a certain life to complete me – that I need a certain security to complete – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider and also to not live the word COMPLETION for and as myself – as something that I do to assist and support myself

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself waiting for process, or defining process as writing, or as applying self-forgiveness out loud, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that process is HERE – that process is my decision to walk and transcend my mind and change myself as who I am and birth myself as a trustworthy and life-supportive individual – that process is something that I can put into and have in my daily living as a constant point of consideration – where I push myself in every breath to apply and live words; hence I commit myself to each time I have a reaction – to take a moment to apply self-forgiveness – and then find a corrective word that I can live – and then live it

When and as I see that I am waiting to be completed by something outside of me, by a thing, or a person, or a activity, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I will never be able to find and achieve that completion by taking someone or something outside of me into my life – rather completion is a decision – it is WHO I AM – and it is lived in every moment – as a decision to stand COMPLETE – to stand FINISHED – to not be separated into thoughts and experiences – but stand as one in the moment and be fully here; and thus I commit myself to practice the word COMPLETE – through bringing everything here – bringing it all back to myself into the moment – into and as my human physical body – and grounding my presence and awareness HERE


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Day 384: Solving Fear With Structure

I have worked a lot with fear, anxiety and insecurity in relation to work and managed to stabilize myself in many dimensions/areas. However, what is cool, and also challenging about my work, is that I am continuously moving into more expansive positions of responsibility, which then opens up new experiences/dimensions of anxiety, fear and insecurity. I have realized that there are a couple of things that assists and supports me to remain stable at work. Firstly, structuring and planning my work thoroughly assists and supports me to remain stable. Secondly, preparing myself and devoting the time and effort required for me to be fully knowledgeable as to the point I am directing assists and supports me to remain stable. Though, recently with work, because I have been given new responsibilities, it has been more difficult to fall back on my previous tools.

There are primarily two things that builds this pressure within me. It is the fear of making a mistake, mishandling my responsibilities, and facing critique/anger from colleagues and others – and it is the feeling that there is too much, too many responsibilities, and too little time for me to effectively handle them. The latter of these pressure points is not only mind-based – it is a fact that I have little time – and to get to all my responsibilities – it is hence important that I am efficient, precise, prepared and structured – because that enables me to walk through it effectively. The former, the fear of mishandling my responsibilities, is however a mind point, in the sense that, it does not make sense to worry about critique/anger that I might potentially face from others, as it should not affect who I am anyway. Hence, it is these two points, and my relationship to these points that I want to work with. If I am able to stabilize these points – I know that I will be able to work and care for my responsibilities without going into pressure/anxiety/fear.

Thus during the past week I have worked with the word STRUCTURE. Initially I found this word empty and vague. Though, as I considered, looked at, and practiced implementing structure into my life, I came to see that structure is very much practical. Living the word structure is not the same as having routines – because routines does not necessarily have to be structured. In the word structured there is an element of prudence, sagacity and foresight. When something is structured, it is planned, it is considered, it is a plan develop with clarity and understanding. A routine on the other hand is simply something I do because I have done it other times. Structuring my life requires intelligence and self-movement.

I practiced structure through pushing myself to take one day each week, either at the beginning or the end, to plan the week ahead, using ‘to-do-lists’ and basic timetables. This then gave me the opportunity to slow down and look at my work and my home-life from a birds eye-view – which would allow me to prioritize, plan-ahead, consider, refine, and prepare myself for the week to come – so that nothing would come as a surprise. The results of this practice was that I remained grounded and stable throughout my week. When something unexpected came along, I dealt with that, however when that point was sorted out, I would return to the plan.

Another way which I would live structure was to already before I went to take my coffee break, decide on how long it was going to be. I did this because I have a tendency to otherwise, sit at the table, and wait until some of my colleagues leave, and then get up and back to work. However, when I do that, this is sometimes compromising, because I will loose time, that would have been better used working. This, similarly supported me to remain stable, to know what was coming, to know what I was doing, when I was doing it, and how I was doing it.

Hence, structure, a very interesting word, and I have come to see that it is in-fact practical, concrete and very much earthed. Living and integrating structure has however been quite challenging, because I have a tendency to ‘flow out’ into unstructured and spontaneous activity – and although I enjoy this form of expression at times – it is not very supportive to live like this all the time. In other words, it is always supportive to have a direction, though that should not limit me from improvising when it is needed, or I decide to do so, because it is something that I want to experience.

I will continue to experiment with the word structure in the week to come. Will be back with updates.

 


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Day 383: Projections and Imaginations

I find it easy to become distracted by material things. For a while I have becoming increasingly enthusiastic, and equally anxious about changing/altering/refining certain parts of my living quarters. From being an innocent hobby, it has escalated, and moved, and now, I am basically daily imagining and fantasizing about new projects. The problem is that it is done, usually, from a starting point of anxiety, from a starting point of lack, where I perceive that there is something amiss in my life at the moment, and that I desperately need to direct/change/alter the point in order to streamline my life. Hence, the problem is not the actual changes, alterations I want to make, the problem is WHO I AM. I see this experience as symptomatic – and fact is that I suspect it actually originates in a different part of my life – and that it then moves itself into for example the dimension of my life where I deal with hobbies.

Thus – the problem I would say – the actual deep rooted problem – is my habit of approaching things from within and as a starting point of lack/anxiety – because if I would have not done that – then the projects I see around my home would simply have been that – projects – that I might or might not get to one day that does not change WHO I AM in anyway what-so-ever. That is the point that I want to get to. Because I do not want to distract myself, and exist in this state of continuous fear/lack/anxiety that I am missing something, or that there is something I should be doing, that I am not doing. I will thus push myself to live the word abundance – to embrace the abundance that is all around me in my life in the form of the physical with all its various expressions – nature, breathing, sensations, physical relationships, I mean there is so much to be aware of and discover, that disappears when I accept and allow my mind to be cluttered by anxiety/fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on new projects in my mind, and then become stressed when I notice that I do not have the time to fulfill/walk them completely, and then become stressed and anxious, because I still try to walk and complete them – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this behavior – to not question why I feel that need and urge to continue walking and pushing myself to complete and fulfill a particular point even though I notice there is not enough time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with taking on and moving new points into and as a form of fulfillment and completion – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with wanting to make my environment, my life, and my world seem perfect, and then create, and form all of these projects in my mind that I perceive I have to get to and finish for my life, and world to become what I want it to become, instead of remaining stable, and questioning this way of approaching life, questioning, why the hell I get this experience within me, and why I feel there is such a shortage of time, and why I require, or feel the requirement, and need to push myself so severely, and harshly, to ‘get by’ and ‘make it’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with achieving perfection in my outside world and reality – not seeing, realizing and understanding how this is literally a distraction – something that captures the attention of my mind – a point that I get focused and hooked upon – where I then lose touch and connection with reality because all of myself – all of my mind – is caught up in this state and experience of wanting to achieve perfection – picture perfection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with wanting to achieve material perfection through altering and changing my life to make sure that all parts of it works – and is perfect – that there is no flow – no mistake – nothing in my life that in anyway gives away that there is a problem and difficulty in my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this way of becoming obsessed with the material side of my world as a way to escape and distract myself from walking my inner process of self-change and movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand what this tendency is showing to me – is that I too serious within myself when it comes to material success in this world – and that I am accepting and allowing myself to be all too possessed with making sure that I acquire material success and notoriety – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath – and smell the roses – to push myself to walk in the moment and not be so serious and determined to reach some kind of future that is not even here – to reach a future that I am not even able to at this moment clarify to myself exactly where it is that I am going and why

When and as I see myself going into a imagination, looking at, projecting myself into the future, from a starting point of lack/anxiety/fear – I immediately stop myself – I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this way of approaching life is not realistic – it is based on a idea of lack and that I have to fight/move/push hard in order to stabilize my value and get to a point of equality – instead of embracing my equality HERE – embracing the abundance that is HERE – seeing, realizing and understanding that I do not need nor do I require to accept and allow myself to limit who I am according to what I am able to produce and build, create, in the external – and thus I commit myself to breathe – to let go of material possessions and the anxiety/fear related to these – and I commit myself to live abundance within and as every moment of breath – to use each moment to integrate and stand with and as my human physical body – and the abundance that is HERE

 


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Day 381: A Moment With Many Dimensions

I walked through an interesting experience at work that revealed many points and it played out as follows. I was sitting with one of my superiors, to whom I usually feel inferior. We were together working on a project, and my superior asked me some questions, which I answered, in that state of inferiority/fear – with a low voice – slightly held back. It was a short answer. And now comes the interesting part, at the meeting, one of my new colleagues was present, which my superior also asked the same questions. My colleague answered with confidence, self-assurance, and I was surprised at the depth and understanding with which he spoke. This made me feel insecure and fearful, as well as jealous. I wanted to be the one to shine around my superior and show off – however – because of inferiority and fear – as well as polarized desire to impress – I was not able to express myself genuinely and to my full potential.

I see that inferiority and fear in relation to authorities is self-debilitating. I see that wanting approval from authorities is self-debilitating. I also see that my expression/movement at work should not be motivated by comparison – or rather – not the form of criticism/emotional comparison/competition that I have become used to – rather – I can use others as positive references to develop and refine my skills. For example with my colleague, I can take him as an example when it comes to speaking with self-assurance and self-confidence – and also take him as an example when it comes to trusting my own seeing and realizations – however then not to move myself in order to win or prove myself – but to move myself in such a way that I expand and grow as a person.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional, to judge myself, and criticize myself harshly when I react in inferiority/fear around my superior, and when I suppress myself because of this inferiority fear, because I fear that I have then not made a good impression on my superior, and I want and desire to make a good impression, to feel that I am worthy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not making a good impression on my superior, to fear not being accepted by my superior, to fear that one of my colleagues will make a better appearance, express himself more eloquently, and effectively – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing and being judged as second best

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be judged as the best by my superior – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto insecurity, to believe of myself to be less than, to believe of myself that I need the support, the understanding, the love from others to make it, that I need someone to reassure me, that I am doing good, that my decisions, that my way of expressing and moving myself at work, that it is sufficient, and that it is okay

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete against my colleagues and want to show off so that I can feel that I am the best – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this way of living is motivated by fear and insecurity – I am trying to show how good I am because I do not trust myself – because I do not value myself – and because I feel that I am in need of another, especially my superiors, to recognize my strengths, my abilities, my style of working, to have them say, that I am really good and effective at what I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in unhealthy competition, which is a competition where I judge myself, hate myself, because I feel that I have lost, and I drive myself to win, only to feel superior, more than, and above others, instead of participating in creating a healthy competition where I accept and allow myself to see and learn from others, to take the strengths of others and make them my own, to take the powers of others and expand upon them and grow as a person for my own sake, because I want to grow as my own person – I want to become the best me for and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards and push away my colleague, because I fear him, that he is better than me, and that he will take away my value and outshine me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am existing in a state of fear, thus not seeing the actual value of this moment, how I am able to learn a lot from X – because he is really good at somethings that I am not very good at – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach others from a starting point of fighting, of trying to win so that I can feel good about myself for a moment – instead of moving myself to for my own sake, and so that I later can share this with the world, expand myself to grow as a person and become more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself when I feel that I am being outmatched by another – and to believe that I am then a loser – and that I must at all costs push myself to take back my position – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am in-fact existing in a complete delusion, a self-limitation, where everything becomes about winning, and proving myself in relation to others, instead of me getting to know myself, and seeing what I would like to do/express/live for and as myself – where it is not necessarily built upon what others do or do not do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to increase my self-value through feeling on top of and better than others – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not good enough when I am just an equal, when I living HERE in equality – to believe that there must be something added to me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace my equal value and worth – to see that my equal value and worth is HERE as who I am – and that it is not something that is dependent upon me receiving attention or being seeing or liked by my superior – or me being able to outshine my colleague and better than him or her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards my colleague because I perceive him to be very direct, confident, and clear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead learn from my colleague, to observe, and to look at how my colleague is living and expressing himself – so that I can apply this within myself and my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to my superiors and worry/fear how they might see me, and what they might think about me, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to be fired, or isolated, because I am not perceived as a likable individual – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on having others liking me – instead of placing my focus HERE in looking at how I am able to expand – push myself – and move forward within my life to create myself to become a human-being with integrity and strength – and with care for humanity and this world – with care to create something that is best for all

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into inferiority/fear, and I hold myself back, through speaking with a lower voice, through limiting and hold back my physical body expression, literally diminishing myself, in relation to a superior, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this way of living is not worthwhile – that it does not allow me to live and express a supportive/efficient/enjoyable life – because I am not really sharing myself one and equal – I am hiding; and thus I commit myself to straighten my back, look up in the eyes of my superior, and speak with a clear and stable voice, and share myself one and equal, thus living the words of confidence, equality, and self-assurance

When and as I see myself becoming worried as to what my superior think of me, whether I have overstepped a line, done too much, or too little, whether I am in some way or another not satisfying my superior, I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this tendency within me of accepting and allowing myself to be overly concerned as to what others think of me, that it limits me, and especially with my superiors, it puts me down, when I could have embraced my equality, and simply shared myself one and equal with no fears or anxieties – and thus I commit myself to share myself as an equal – to stop overthinking and analyzing who I am in relationship with another – and instead live equality and oneness HERE practically through sharing myself openly, with a clear and stable voice, sharing myself when there is something I would like to say, and not holding myself back


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Day 369: Self-Forgiveness On Fear Of Living A Boring Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming but a statist, a prop, someone that is uninteresting, and uninspiring, someone that leads a boring and predictable life, that has submitted to a life of survival – and fear that people will judge me as boring, and that when I die, I will feel that I did not do enough with my life, that I did not challenge sufficiently, that I did not push myself sufficiently to walk my process of self-creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up within and as a fear of losing my time to walk process, to fear that I am missing something, that I am failing at something, that there is a unknown variable in my life, of which I am not yet aware, that is slowly but surely moving to a close, and that I will not be able to see this aspect of my life until its to late, and then I will regret myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will regret myself, that I will look back in my life and think: ‘Shit, why did I not do X or Z instead’ – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on something that I am not sure on what it is – or how I should correct it – or if there even is something for me to correct – instead of focusing on my PRACTICAL living HERE in this moment – because in this practical moment I am able to make changes – I am able to direct myself – make concrete movements as to what I am going to do – improve – change – and walk – movements that I see will have an effect – and obviously my time is better spent in this area of my life where I do see what must be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having the time in my life to do what I want to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having the space in my life to do what I want to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having the courage, the insight, the seeing, to do what I should be doing, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there is something I should be doing, that I am not doing, and that this is causing and creating problems for me, that I am not even aware of at this moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am doing things towards myself that I am not even aware that I am doing, that I am creating problems and issues for myself, that I am not even aware of, and that I am slowly but surely losing my ground, losing my presence, losing my life vitality, and that I am not even aware of this, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my life as this constant struggle to remain afloat and in control, to remain directive and in charge, so as to not accept and allow that anything or anyone else takes charge of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my life will be without purpose and meaning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my life will be without purpose, meaning and importance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my life will become irrelevant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being locked into a constant state of survival and search for food and water and nutrition – that all of my life will become about finding resources to survive – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that this is all my life will be and nothing more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to give into and lose myself in the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to become to engulfed in making sure that I survive in the system that I completely miss out on what is of real importance to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have compromised myself – to fear that I have now settled into a lifestyle that is meaningless – and that I am living my life – doing things – walking a way of living and creating myself – that in essence is meaningless – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a meaningless and insignificant life that others view as nothing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to draw stability, value and comfort within myself, through making sure that others react to, and find my life interesting, worthwhile, and significant

When and as I see myself going into this fear of losing myself in the system, losing my time, losing my purpose and drive, losing my will to live because all of me is sucked into irrelevant points, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand, that fearing to lose myself in something, indicates that I do not fully trust myself, that there is a part of me that know it is possible that I can completely go into a particular lifestyle, and then forget all about what is of real importance, hence, the solution to such a mistrust, would be to push myself and my process of self-creation, to even more, make it part of my daily living application – so that it is not something that can be lost – but a stable and always present part of myself – thus I commit myself to apply self-forgiveness within me after each reaction I have – to apply and practice living words as corrections in the moment when and as I notice I go into some form of mind experience – to continuously and with regular intervals write my blog – speak self-forgiveness out loud and continue my participation in the Desteni courses offered – to thus make sure that my process of self-creation is a living thing that I care for and tend to – and that I make a part of myself


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Day 366: Self-Forgiveness On Fear of Making Decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be directive in my process of creation with regards to money and career

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to rely on others to direct my career and my decisions with regards to career, so that I can feel safe, in the belief that I cannot rely on myself to make such decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot rely on myself to make decisions with regards to my survival, my future, and my career, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck in doubt, in passiveness, in fear, instead of directing myself to make decisions and stand by them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be directive in my decision making process with regards to my future, earning money and creating a career for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back in my application of creating a career for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be the one making the decisions, in fear that I will stand with the consequence, not seeing, realizing and understanding, that regardless of whether I trust another to make a decision for me, it is I that will have to stand with the consequence and walk it through

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating consequences for myself by making bad decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making bad decisions and see it as a solution to not make any decisions at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being clear and direct with myself in communication and decision making – to be direct with myself, what I want, where I am going, and to not make things more complicated than what they need to be – to focus on the simplicity of seeing things DIRECT here and making decisions according to that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk around in circles with the same information regurgitating it over and over again – not seeing, realizing and understanding that it will not help me – that the only thing I can do to help myself will be to deal with the undercurrent – with what is going on below the surface

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not deal with the undercurrent and what is going on below the surface – and in this case the undercurrent is fear of failure – and instead of dealing with fear of failure – comparison – competition – I have projected these experiences into my life – into decisions that I am able to make – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how the solution is to deal with the undercurrent of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is pointless to again regurgitate the mind experience, trying to reach the most perfect of all decisions, because at the end of the day, it will mean nothing at all, it will only cause things to take longer, because I am not dealing with the core point that is moving within me – which in this case is fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I will not be able to escape the core point through making awesome plans, because it is not about the plan, it is about who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that I will be able to push, drive, and with fever, attempt to fulfill and make the absolute best decisions possible – however – at the end of the day it will not mean anything at all – because I have not dealt with the undercurrent – and thus I will doubt my decision, fear it, and end up giving up – because I am not standing stable within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that certainty in decision making does not arise from a good plan, it arise from within me and WHO I AM – where I stand fearless in relation to the plan I have created for and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that being fearless is the key to be able to make a decision, stick with it, and follow it through till the end

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself starting to think about, and regurgitate a decision, a point that I have already walked and researched sufficiently, I immediately stop myself, take a breath and bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that I am now trying to find a solution to this problem, to my inability to stand with and by my decision, through more research, and more investigation, and more questioning, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is not a solution – that it will not assist and support – and that in-fact – the only way I can assist and support me will be through dealing with the undercurrent – the fear that lies behind it all – and thus I commit myself to instead look behind the backchat and see what emotion is moving within – and use the moment to apply self-forgiveness and find a self-corrective statement that I can live instead

Day 365: Conditioning Self-Expression

Today I took some time to direct a couple of my material belongings that had been put in storage. I approached the project with the starting point that I had to make a decision for each of my belongings as to what was going to happen to it – what purpose it was going to have for the future to come. The things which I had not used in a couple of years I decided to give away – this group of things included a saxophone and a electric drum set. The underlying principle I applied was simple, with me these possessions were not used to their full potential, and by giving them away to someone that would actually use them, that would support fulfilling both the recipients expression and the instruments potential; in other words – giving the instruments away would be what is best for all.

However, and here is where it starts to get interesting, as I had made the decision to give away the instruments, I began to have second thoughts, and the backchat that moved within me was something along the following lines: ‘What if I will miss these instruments? I might want to play them at a later stage, and then I will not have them! Man, before when I was a bit younger, I played a lot of music, now I do not anymore, I really miss that’. Thus, my initial backchat was initiated by a fear of loss, and then my mind moved to how I miss playing instruments and having music as a part of my life – that latter part of the backchat as well motivated by a fear – a fear that I had lost these expressions of myself which I had accessed when I was younger as part of playing my instruments and devoting myself to music.

The experience took me by surprise, because I had seen that I was finished with these instruments, that I had used them and that I was satisfied with what I had expressed and achieved, though now with this fear coming up, I started to doubt myself. I took a breath and gave myself a moment to stabilize – and I looked at the point within myself.

I could see that practically speaking, I did not use the instruments. Not because I was hindered to do so, but because I had moved into a new part of my life where these instruments did not have the same role to fulfill. I could see that I was satisfied and fulfilled in terms of having explored and pushed myself to develop a relationship with the instruments and that I was ready to let them go. Thus, the fear did not have anything to do with my practical reality – it was all about myself – and how I was actually afraid of moving on and embracing the new expression of myself that have started to come through within me and my life – where my relationship with music and instruments has begun to change.

Because music and the expressions that I could access and live with my instruments, they are still part of my life, however the structure of my life today is different. Now, I express myself with music by singing songs that I really enjoy out loud, together with a stereo blasting the track at the same time – and the creative part of music – which I before expressed through writing and composing songs – that has become part of my job – where I spend a lot of time writing – and my carpentry hobby – where I must use my imagination and problem solving skills to create and find solutions.

Thus – with giving away some of my instruments – I am not giving away the expressions that I have developed and lived in making music – because those expressions are a part of ME – as such I see that it is important to not get lost in the structure and picture of this world – and relate what I experience and live to the images – because it is not about what it looks like – it is about WHO I AM – and HOW I EXPRESS myself within what I do.

I have found that it is easy to forget this, because the images seems to be so important, however looking back out my life, what has always been a constant is that the images change. My world will move, transform, become different, but I remain, which also exemplifies why it is so important to place attention and focus on developing OURSELVES – and not lose ourselves in the evanescent creations/allures of money and consumerism that so easily grip our attention and that we convince ourselves is the most significant point within our lives.


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