Tag Archives: fearful

Day 299: Anxiety and Fear When I Am In The Center of Everyone’s Attention

Today a situation played out at work where I for a moment was in the center of everyone’s attention. This brought a emotion of feeling uncertainty, insecurity, and anxiety – because when I am in the center of attention – I have this tendency to think about how I am perceived and seen by others.

I have written about this point before, and also been able to change and direct this experience during a couple of instances, and now I fell, which was a bit disappointing to me. As the point was playing out, I did have a vague inner voice saying that I can correct my experience by placing my attention and focus on breath, and also apply self-forgiveness. However, that inner vague voice never materialized, as I did not act on it. And afterwards, I was sitting with this experience in myself; why did I not change, or direct this experience within me?

Hence, in this blog I am going to work with this experience further, and also clarify a couple of points to myself, and also for you, the reader as well. Firstly, what defines me is not the fall in itself, rather it is WHO I AM after the fall, and what actions I decide to walk to support myself to transcend and learn to direct the experience. Thus, in this case, I am sitting down to write out the experience, investigate it, learn from it, and eventually learn to direct it.

Secondly, I can either look at a fall as something to resent, OR, I can use a fall to my advantage – and utilize it to expand myself in my process of self-creation. This is what I am doing here through writing this blog, I am standing up within myself, saying to myself, that this experience and way of interacting with other people is not something that I wish to have as a part of my character – instead I want to be able to be in the center of attention and remain STABLE, CALM, SELF-DIRECTED, in SELF-CERTAINTY and SELF-CONFIDENCE, and be RELAXED and at EASE in my physical body. That is the vision I see for myself, and what I want to establish in my life when it comes to social interactions, and when it comes to being in the center of attention.

That being established, lets look at the specifics of this moment particular moment. I can see that the origin point, the underlying issue is in-fact self-judgment. This self-judgment is then projected unto others and takes shape in backchat such as; “What do others think about me?” – “What do others see in me?” – “Do others like me or not?” – and so forth. It also takes the shape of uncertainty, because in judging myself, I am trying to be something or someone that I hope can be accepted by another, and looking at it more deeply, actually accepted by myself.

I can see this judgment towards myself coming up when it comes to establishing relationships with others. Because, when it comes to for example, deciding to meet another, and that person does not immediately show up on time; I will have backchat come up that this person does not like me, that I have done something wrong, that I have not acted properly, that they have in some way decided to push me out of their lives because they are not content with me. Hence, this shows that on a deep level within me, I do not see or recognize my own value, I do not accept myself as being valuable. And that is why I feel so happy and positive when people seem to take a liking to me, because in my twisted self-image, I do no see myself as worthy of such a relationship.

What is the solution?

It is quite simple; practice self-acceptance and valuing myself – RECOGNIZING and SEEING the value in myself. Giving myself recognition for my strengths, skills, and abilities, and for the integrity that I have developed throughout this process. There is much more to me than I admit, a unassailable value that I have not allowed myself to embrace and stand with – as I have seen myself as flawed and imperfect. That is what must change.

So, a solution can be, that when I notice this anxiety, stress and uncertainty come up within me – that I state within myself my qualities for which I am genuinely proud – such as: Discipline, Integrity, Openness, Loyal, Curious, Investigative, Questioning, Expressive, Spontaneous, Specific, Focused, Detailed, and Structured – these are qualities that I see and recognize in myself and for which I value myself.

And thus – it is a matter of continuously stopping this self-abuse of focusing on my flaws and weaknesses, and also seeing my positive and strong sides. And then also, to accept my bad sides, to not try to hide or suppress the fact that I do have weaknesses, but to accept and embrace the entirety of me. Because suppression does not work, and real self-change cannot take place unless I allow myself to SEE what it is within me that is required to be changed and directed.

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Day 293: Being Social and Outgoing

Being social and outgoing, for some that might be easy, for others, me included, it is difficult and oftentimes something connected with resistance and insecurity. For me, I have felt comfortable standing more in the background when it comes to social interactions, and especially in group contexts. My preference have been, and still is, to interact with, and get to know people on a one on one basis and move forward in a slow tempo. However, in this world, that type of interaction is many times not possible, and in the professional world, we are many times expected to be outgoing, social, look happy, and pleasant. And unfortunately, we tend to judge on the basis of first impression, and then create our relationship with each other on the basis of that, instead of getting to know the other individual on a more deep, and intimate level, which always takes time.

So, in the professional world, and generally speaking, creating relationships in the world system demands that we develop and utilize the skill of creating a positive first impression. Not that much is required for a successful first impression, it is usually just being dressed properly, smiling, asking how the other person is doing. Though for me, this has been hard, because I feel like a sell out – because inside of me I am not really feeling/living that happiness/smile – or that real interest when I am asking how the other person is doing – it is currently an act made from a starting point of survival.

Now, I do see that there is a potential to change this interaction with other people, from being survival driven, to instead be self-driven – where the starting point is not ‘making a good impression’ – but rather sharing myself with another person in a moment – hence – giving of myself to another person in a moment through my words, my actions, and my behavior – showing to them that I am there with them in that moment and that I am meeting them – seeing them in that moment – recognizing them and allowing them into my world.

Thus, what must change within me is WHO I AM when approaching another person, and instead of being self-conscious, and worried about how the other person sees me, to instead be open, and comfortable, and sharing myself with the other person, giving that person a moment of my time where my presence and awareness is fully HERE – where they can feel that I am present – I am here – and that I am meeting them.

Why? Because that is how I would like another to meet me. I would like them to see me, and recognize me as an equal, and that they would take some time to get to know me, to ask me some questions, and open up a line of communication. There are very few people that are able to do this, and those few that are, I am immediately able to notice it in how I relax with them, and naturally open up in my expression – because I can see that they accept me and allow me to come into their world for a moment and take up their attention.

There is a potential to create these unconditional moments of meeting other people everyday in the world system. It is all a matter of how we define the relationship. If we label it as only being a professional relationship, then that is all it will ever be. If we however are open and unconditional, and we give of ourselves, maybe that relationship will develop in another direction. I have been able to see this for myself, where I have initially created a label for a relationship such as being professional, and then, as I have communicated more with the person, the relationship have changed, opened up, and become a lot more deep and intimate.

It is really cool what can develop if we are open, and if we give of ourselves through being present, here, aware, and make an effort to get to know others, communicate, see others, and recognize them for their skills, and unique potential. Though, it does not come by itself, as I mentioned, it requires effort and a push – especially if we have a tendency to withdraw – then there must be a daily pushing outwards until that point of unconditional giving in social situations is established.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change socialization, meeting new people, interacting, and speaking into a self-expression – a moment where I give of myself to another unconditionally – where I am present and aware as I for a moment meet another – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to corrupt this meeting of another human being into being only about survival, about fitting in, about being accepted – instead of seeing it as a moment of connecting with another universe and the opportunities such a connection can provide

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that every meeting with a new human being – is an opportunity to expand myself – and an opportunity for me to get to know someone else – to get a new and fresh look on life as I look on life through the eyes of someone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that in order to change my relationship with meeting new people, I will have to push through my comfort zones, and I will have to push the point of being HERE and OPEN and PARTICIPATE in the moment – pushing myself to be a part of the moment instead of withdrawing into myself and holding myself back in my zone of comfort

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that meeting another, and creating relationships is an opportunity for me to expand myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see relationships and meeting new people as a nuisance and as something that I do not particularly enjoy to do – yet something that I must force myself to do so that I am able to fit in – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change this to instead being ME – GIVING of myself – GIVING of myself as my self-expression – as my unique way of interacting with and looking at the world – and that I am as such able to assist and support others to expand equally as they are assisting and supporting me to expand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people based on first impression, to judge them on the basis of memories, and ideas of how people should behave, and to judge them on the basis of how I feel about them, not seeing, realizing and understanding that this judgment is not real – that it is an experience and not an actual knowing of the other person – and thus I commit myself to make the effort to get to know people for real through communicating with them – through being present and aware with them – through being HERE and not in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know someone when I have an experience about that person – and when I have seen how that person interacts in one situation and in one moment – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I cannot know someone, and judge someone on the basis of one moment – and that people are much more than only one character in one moment, and that I can get to see this when I make the effort to get to know people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not show myself, and open myself up to people when I am interacting with them – to stand in my physical body in such a way that I am HERE and that I do not accept and allow myself to withdraw myself and go into a state of hiding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself out into the physical – through my body language – through my voice – through how I am standing and interacting here in this moment – to push myself outwards into this physical reality and stand

Self-commitments

When and as I see myself going into a state of hiding, through the way I place my body, with my shoulders slouching, looking downwards, and wanting to escape into myself, I stop, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this is not a solution – and in order to get to know my reality, to get to know people, to expand – I must face it – be part of it – stand and move in it – and that is done through coming out of my body – out from hiding – and standing in the middle of it all facing life – and thus I commit myself to push myself to stand in my chest area – and push myself out into physical reality through my voice, my body language, and my presence

I commit myself to make the effort to get to know others through communication, interaction and participation – and I commit myself to create the comfort zone with others – where I can be myself – through consistently pushing myself to communicate and break the ice – break the isolation and the fear – and establish that real comfort zone – where I am comfortable in being with another and being myself – because I have created that comfort in my relationship with another person through communication and interaction

I commit myself to push through resistance and awkwardness that might come up as I make an effort to communicate, participate and interact – and I commit myself to see, realize and understand that it is a matter of practice

I commit myself to present, aware and here – and make the focus of a moment with another – that I GIVE myself unconditionally – that I SHARE myself unconditionally – and do not accept and allow myself to remain withdrawn and hidden far back inside of myself

Day 254: Stealing My Time

man wearing a black cloth and a animal skullIn the recent interviews with Anu on Eqafe, the point of how much time we spend on the problems we face inside of ourselves, compared with the time we spend on establishing and living a solution within ourselves is discussed. You can download and listen to the interview HERE.

Today I faced a point within myself where this ratio of focusing on the problem, vis-à-vis focusing on the solutions, stood out clearly to me. Now, the point I was facing was in relation to time – and it is a reaction that I have been working with for some time now.

It played out as follows: I was sitting at home, and had planned to dedicate my day to studies. When I had studied for some hours my grandfather comes through the door and asks me whether I am able to follow with him to the ATM, and help him take out money. I realized that this point requires priority, and so I re-structured my plans, and decided to help him. Now, after I did that, I had a line of backchat repeat in my mind like a broken record: ‘I can’t get any peace to focus on my studies’ – and as I walked with my grandfather, and helped him, I experienced a resistance, an irritation, because I felt as if my time was being taken from me – and I wasn’t getting to that which I’d planned to do.

So, I was in this state of reaction when going with my grandfather to take out his money, which obviously wasn’t cool. And it was HERE that I see that could’ve immediately changed, and looked at what solutions there were available to me; what could I’ve applied in that moment to get out of the experience? And I can see it clearly before myself now – the solution would’ve been to talk with him, and genuinely share a moment with him, interact with him, and tend to my relationship with him.

Though, unfortunately I didn’t do that, and instead I remained within this state of feeling unjustly robbed of my ‘time’ – and the fascinating thing is that: I mostly, almost always, have more than enough time left to finish up my studies, even though I have helped, or spent time with others throughout my day. So, this stress that I experienced, that I might be losing out on my opportunity to effectively dedicate myself to my studies, it’s not real, it’s not a actual point of concern.

Thus, what happens is that I sabotage a moment of real interaction with another, because I believe that I am lacking time, not being HERE in TIME with another, but instead in my mind. And that is really the definition of wasting time, because then I am not being here with my physical, and the other person, when I am moving away from my plans to take care of a point that has opened up – and this is not effective at all.

So, in this blog I am going to focus my self-forgiveness, and my self-commitment statements on this particular issue of not being generous with my time, as well as the point of implementing, and focusing on the solutions in a moment, and not the problems.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed within and as the time-miser construct – where I will be fearful of giving anyone time, thinking that my time is precious, and that I can’t waste a single minute of my time, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this time-miser character mostly comes up when I am working, or when I have to do something in relation to my studies – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not in those moments, see that I have to push myself through my resistance, and fear of giving my time, because this fear that I experience, it doesn’t make any sense what-so-ever – and is in-fact only a illusion that I create and sustain through participating within and as stress energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in moments when someone comes and asks me for a favor, and I feel that I can’t give off my time, that I will somehow implode and loose myself, if I was to give of my time in that moment – that it’s then and there I have to push myself to look at the point in common sense – and self-honestly assess whether or whether not I do in-fact have the time required to be with another – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this not take into account that I have a tendency to stress myself and in that make calculations in relation to time faulty – where I will believe that I lack time – when in-fact I have plenty of time – it’s just that when I exist in this stressed out state I am not able to see that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed within and as stress when I approach my studies, and generate this stress energy through thinking about how much I should accomplish in a certain amount of time, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am within thinking about what I should do, and the pace in which I should do it, creating expectations on myself, that I then feel forced, and pressured into following, instead of accepting and allowing myself to approach the project of doing, and completing something, within being unconditional, and being relaxed within and as my human physical body – also within this seeing, realizing and understanding that I don’t have to run – and fight – and struggle my way through life – and that I can instead assist, and support myself to walk through life within enjoyment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as stress when I assess my time, and how I should utilize my time to its utmost potential, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my relationship with others, and force my life forward, because I feel as if I am not moving according to the expectations I have created in my mind – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath – and move myself forward in the pace of breathing – in the pace of doing things HERE in the physical – and seeing, realizing and understand that I don’t need this experience of stress within me, in order to see what must be done, and then do it – and that I can enjoy life as I move through and deal with the various tasks that are before me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my relationship with my grandfather through participating within and as stress, and through this, resulting in me feeling that I don’t have sufficient with time to give to another, and that I can’t be generous with my time, and that I must basically, protect my time from another, to make sure that I have as much time as is possible, so that I can ensure my survival – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself from within and as this starting point of fear of survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to protect my time, and be watchful that no one steals my time, or thwarts the plans that I have made for my day, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am within approaching my life in this way creating unnecessary conflict within myself, because I don’t have to be overprotective with my time, most often I actually do have enough time to assist and support another, as well as getting the things done, that I see I require to get done during my day, and I see, realize and understand that instead of reacting within an emotion of fear, and anxiety, I can instead look at the point within common sense, and see whether I can fit this particular point into my day, or not, without compromising my responsibilities and commitments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that most of the times, it actually assists and supports me to take a break from my set routine, and go and do something different, such as helping out another person that is in need, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in accepting and allowing myself to balance my day with different activities, and different points, I am actually becoming more effective, and specific within the activities that I have decided to take on and walk

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into a reaction of anxiety, and stress, when someone asks me if I can do something for them, help them with something, and this points then messes with my schedule, and my plans, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this way of approaching time doesn’t make any sense, because I am not actually looking at the point within myself, instead am I am reacting, and creating experiences from within this reaction, instead of clarifying within myself whether I can actually do what is asked of me or not – and thus I commit myself to take the suggestion within me, look at the practical timeline of my day within stability, and from that starting point make a decision as to whether I am able to commit to the point or not

When and as I see myself reacting in stress towards time, and I go into an experience of feeling uneasy, and I start making plans within my mind to save time, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this starting point of trying to save time from within and as a experience of stress, it doesn’t assist and support me to make practical, and grounded decisions in relation to stress, it only supports me to make hasty, and rushed decisions, where I try to escape an experience within me, and within that I miss what is actually here, and the practical considerations that I have take inside of me in order to make an effective decision in my life – thus I commit myself to slow down within myself, using my breath, stabilizing and grounding myself in my physical body, and then proceed to look at the practical aspects of the time during my day, and plan it according to the actual timeline and time movement of my day – not according to how I feel about the time I have at my disposal

Day 206: Following Plans

Something that tends to stress me out is when I make plans for myself – a particular time where I am supposed to be somewhere, or do something – and then I notice that this plan isn’t going to work for me. That I am going to be to late, or not have time for the scheduled event, or that something else have come up that is a high priority and that must go before my initial plan.

This stresses me out because suddenly there isn’t that systematic and very clear structure in my mind of what I am going to do during my day, how I am going to proceed, what I require to think about, what I can expect do be done at what time and so on. Rather it feels like a blur inside me mind, and as if I am standing before an unknown variable – an unknown play-out – as if I am walking on ice.

I find it interesting because most of the times I do have the time to complete my tasks, and responsibilities, though the times may shift – I may do it later in the evening, the next day, or some other day during the week – though the common theme is that I tend to find time for myself to get done what I must get done. And this is what I’d like to bring through in this blog, that there is no reason to stress or become bewildered solely because I’m not able to follow through on my schedule – because the thing is that physical reality can’t always be scheduled. Something might come up, something might change, something might happen – and in that moment the schedule must take a backseat and I must allow me to improvise.

And I’m actually good at improvising, so it’s strange that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to be able to improvise – its instead as if I’ve placed an exuberant amount of trust in the power of the schedule, in the power of what I should do at what time, and that this must be my main direction at all times – and that as soon as I step out of the safe confines of the schedule – I’m in dangerous waters and must immediately eject myself from the potentially destructive situation.

Thus – what I am going to work with here in this blog is self-trust – and realizing that even though I might not follow my calendar to the tee – it’s not reason to get stressed out and worried – and I can rather deal with the situations as they emerge – and direct them in such a way that will be beneficial for everyone that is involved.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stressed out and worried when I’ve a schedule to follow and I notice that I am not able to follow that schedule, and that I’m falling or lagging behind – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate this situation with stress, and anxiety – and that something is wrong, and bad – and that I must immediately get myself back on track through saving my time, and spurting, to get back into the schedule – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself outside of the schedule – and trust myself that I will get done what I’ve set out to do – though maybe not in the time that I’ve scheduled for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that having a schedule should be like an assistance and support for me to structure and design my day so that it’s practical and effective – and that it shouldn’t be a mental blockage and an idea that I must follow this schedule to the tea, and that as soon as I deviate, something is deadly wrong and must immediately be corrected and placed back into working order – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stressed out at the beginning of my day – when looking at what must be done – what commitments must walked – what responsibilities must be handled – in fear that I won’t be able to keep up with my schedule

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to keep up with my schedule, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the schedule my god – and my point of self-trust – and place into the schedule that which I am not giving to myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as self-trust, and stand as the point of god in myself and my world – wherein I do act on what I see is best for me – and best for all – and move myself in the starting point of being practical and getting done that which I’ve set out to do – and not accepting and allowing myself to compromise and hold back through allowing emotions to dictate who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it a habit of going into stress in the morning when I see my mental schedule before me – and when I perceive that I am lagging behind – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if I do notice that I lag behind – and that there is an important point that I don’t get the time to direct – then I can simply make time for that point through making sure that I give myself time later during that day – or later when I do see and notice that I have some time for myself that I’m able to spend on whatever it is that I want to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it a habit to be stressed when I’m not able to follow plans and ideas in my mind of what I should do – when I should do it – and how I should do it – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the momentum and flow of the physical – as accepting and allowing myself to move with what is here – to move with time instead of chasing time – to trust myself that I will in every moment of breath be able to deal with time – walk with time – and do what is necessary to be done in time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in regards to my studies and my work – be stressed out that it’s taking too much time – and that I too little time to perfect these points – and really make them effective and specific – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead walk the point of studies and work in self-trust – in when this fear comes up – and when the thoughts come up that I don’t have sufficient amount of time – to remind myself that I can always gift myself more time if I see that this is required – and that at the moment there is no cross-reference indicating that I place too little time in the point – and thus no requirement for me to change my investment – and that I can thus walk the point without stress and fear – and rather trust myself to use the time at my disposal as effectively and specifically as possible

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to connect stress energy and anxiety to not following my plans and my calendar – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself – in terms of thinking that without a calendar – without a specific and exact knowledge of my future and how things are going to pan out – I’m hopelessly lost on the seas of change – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define myself as not being sufficiently stable and enabled to stand in a position of stability and movement even though I’m not absolutely sure as to what might come in the future – and what shape and form it might take

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my mornings and my hours of waking up to stress and anxiety – wherein I imagine within my mind the entire day as it’s going to play out – and what I am going to do – how I’m going to do it – what needs to be done – what requires to be pushed and so forth – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a anxiety towards this point – and believe that only because I’ve many things planned – and that there are requirements for me to fulfill – that I then require to go into stress and move myself in stress – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to complete one thing at a time – to do one thing at a time – to move one point after another and to thus not try to skip some steps through stressing about without any sense of stability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect following a plan and a schedule to stress and anxiety – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require stress in order to keep to my schedule – that I require stress in order to keep my direction and momentum – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is a misunderstanding of what it is means to actually move myself – because self-movement in itself doesn’t require stress – doesn’t require energy – doesn’t require a schedule – as I have everything here in order to move myself – thus I see, realize and understand that the point missing within me is self-trust – and self-trust is what I require to develop and stand as in order to be able to move myself with stability and confidence in my world wherein there is no fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with times and calendars – plans and goals – to the extent where I’ve allowed myself to loose my groundedness and the realization that my life is actually HERE – that my point of power and creation is actually within and as each and every moment of breath – and that it’s not something that comes through in stress, anxiety and being inflexible and dogmatic with my calendars – and decisions for the future – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to in regards to moving myself in this life – to do that within and as self-trust and self-confidence – to deal with each moment as it arise – as it comes into my world and reality – and trust myself that I’ll be able to direct it specifically and effectively

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into thinking about my day in terms of a whole, and a massive amount of responsibilities that I’ll probably not be able to fulfill, and that I’ll miss something – and I within that notice me enticing and starting up a system of stress – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this system of stress is in-fact created by me through seeing the whole of my day in-front me – instead of seeing what requires to be done HERE – and then moving myself to deal with and direct that point here – and thus I commit myself to push myself to deal with one moment at a time – to look at what requires to be done here and then do it – and not imagine myself into the future – and look at what must possibly be done somewhere out there – somewhere in the future – but stick to my guns that are here and move myself with breath in every moment

When and as I se that I am going into a state of stress because I fear that I am going to not be able to follow through on my schedules – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that a schedule is only a point of support and structure – for me to be able to more effectively use my time and manage my responsibilities throughout a day – and that it doesn’t define WHO I AM – and that thus – not being able to follow a schedule isn’t in itself super-bad – rather it means that I’ve not taken some points into account – and that I require to deal with the moment that is here and thus deviate from my schedule – and thus I commit myself to deal with this situation as it emerge – and to stand in breath and in the moment and direct the point without going into my mind and looking at the situation from an emotional starting point – rather I stick with what is here – work with what requires to be done and moved here – what requires to be completed here

Day 97: Physical Decision Making

A fascinating point that I’ve more clearly begun to see during to last couple of days is that of how I accept and allow another’s words, actions and living effect my own words actions and living, and that this happens on a automatic basis, wherein I simply do not question or make a self-directed decision whether, or whether not I should live a particular point, or decide upon a particular point, I simply do it.

120620-Decision-Fatigue-300x300So, I mean, bringing this point back to it’s origin, I am able to see that the main problem I’m faced with is my tendency to follow energy, to follow experience, to follow the mind, instead of sticking with the physical, sticking with breath, sticking with slowing down, and considering all points here, and not accepting and allowing myself to make rash decisions based upon a experience. So, the point isn’t real about me becoming manipulated and moved by the words of another, it’s about me becoming moved and manipulated by my own mind – a energy comes up and then without question, without any form of standing aback to take a closer look at the point, I just go with it.

It’s definitely a form of impulsiveness, simply because I follow impulses, I follow what comes up within me as a experience, as a thought, as a energy, and I do not consider what is REAL, PHYSICAL, PRACTICAL, TANGIBLE – I mean I do not consider what is in-fact here.

It’s really fascinating – even more fascinating is how I can in moments believe that I am making a decision that is “good” for me, I am making a decision that is “effective” for me – but the reality is that what I am deciding upon is simply a energy, my decision has got nothing to do with what is in-fact real, and thus my decision is in essence compromised – because I’ve not looked at what is real, but I’ve only looked at what I experience.

So, it’s interesting, a good decision doesn’t necessarily feel good, I mean the obvious point to realize is that a good decision shouldn’t have any form of feeling or emotion attached to it, it should simply be a decision – I see this, I’ve considered this, I’ve looked at this, I decide – done. This form of decision-making is the only one that can be trusted, because it allows no room for energy – and the primary problem with energy is that in making decisions within a energy – you only consider the energy, the experience, how you feel – and within that important considerations are missed, important points are looked away from, and instead the focus becomes on the experience.

Here I see that the only solution is self-honesty – it’s to when one make a decision, to assess why is this decision made, is there a experience within me driving me, are there points I am not considering? Have everything been considered or am I moving myself within an energy, within an experience? The primary point being to QUESTION one’s decision – and not just accept anything that comes up within self as being real simply because it feels good, or bad.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions in energy, in experience, in belief, wherein I look at how I feel, how I experience myself, whether I feel good or bad about the decision, whether I experience fear or a feeling towards the decision, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this way of making decisions is totally, and completely ineffective – wherein I am accepting and allowing myself to move from within and as a starting point energy, that in turn will have the effect that I compromise important points, I do not consider what is required to be considered, I just jump to conclusions and “go for it” – which obviously leads to me to make decisions that are simply not effective but rather consequential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as a “impulsive” nature – and see myself as impulsive, as making decisions fast and without really considering them, and seeing that as “who I am” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question who I am within and as myself, and to see, realize and understand that this point of being impulsive is in-fact programming, and that the consequence of being impulsive is that I make decisions that are ineffective, I make decisions that are not clear, I make decisions that are consequential, I make decisions that have an effect in my world that I could easily foreseen if I’d just slowed down and made a more substantial consideration of the point before I moved myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that going into energy, and feeling good about a decision means that the decision is good, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I can’t trust what I feel – I can rely upon what I feel – and that in a making a decision what I must look at is the actual physical outflows, and that my effectiveness in foreseeing the consequences of my decision will only be as effective as my ability to research relevant information, and to analyze the relevant information, to look at how it moves, and to make predictions based upon probabilities and possibilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change my starting point in relation to decisions so that I make decisions that are effective in relation to what it is that I want to achieve, and realizing that all decisions must have a particular starting point else they will be hard to make – because it’s in establishing the starting point, as to what I want to achieve with the decision, that I will be able to look at my world and in reality and make a decision that will create the best possible environment for me to be able to walk through my decision into reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as energy in relation to making decisions, wherein I make decisions based upon how I feel, be it fear, or be it feeling – not considering the consequences of my decisions, the outflows of my decisions, the actual and real part of my decisions which is how I influence my life, the life of others, how I influence life on a greater scale – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow myself down before making decisions, to not slow myself down before participating in a particular point, to as such give myself the stability, and ability to make a decision as to who I am, and what I am – to make a decision as to whether I will participate or not – as to whether I will make a decision or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to become self-directed – meaning that I stand as the decision-maker in my life in every moment of breath, I decide who I am, I decide what I am, I decide when I am, I decide how I am – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as this decision maker within myself wherein I push myself to slow down, to consider all points, to consider myself, to look at the point and not just go with the flow, not just do what I feel, do what I experience, do what I want – but that I slow down and consider

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that impulsive decision-making have the consequence that I will create a life for myself wherein I have really no control, I have no actual insight and understanding into what it is that I am doing, I am just doing something, walking something, participating in something, without an actual sound starting point as seeing clearly what it is that I am doing; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here – and within this I accept and allow myself to slow down, to take that breath, to look inside myself, to look into myself, to question where it is that I am coming from, to question where it is that I am going, to not just accept what is coming up within me but to make sure that I am directive and stable within and as my decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions on a whim instead of realizing that in making decision on a whim I am not considering all relevant points, I am not considering and looking at points effectively, I am just making a decision on a whim because I feel like it – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the limited nature of feelings and emotions – and how in looking at and moving myself from a starting point of emotions as what I feel and experience the consequence is that I won’t in-fact be able to create a life for myself that is effective – all will be motivated by experience, all will be motivated by energy, and never will I’ve taken into account what is real and actual as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I make decisions, to assess decisions based on how I feel about them, to think, perceive, and believe that when I feel really good about a decision, then it means that it’s a good decisions, and to when I feel really fearful, or bad about a decision, this means it’s a bad decision; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I can’t possibly evaluate the effectiveness of decisions upon the basis of how I feel about them, simply because I can’t trust what I feel about decisions, I can’t trust what I experience in relation to decisions, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to take the entire decision making process back to a physical level – wherein I look at the actual physical real time points that are involved within a decision – and then make an assessment as to what decision would be the best looking at the most effective outflows of each and every decision

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am about to make a rash decision, and when I see that I am about to move myself upon the basis of a feeling, or emotion, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and I see, realize, and understand that I can’t move myself from within and as this possession of energy because it will only create consequences, it will only create outflows as me creating a life for myself this is not effective because it’s not based upon an actual physical assessment of my situation; as such I commit myself to slow down when making decisions, and make sure that my decision is based on actual physical considerations and not upon any form or experience of energy

When and as I see that I am evaluating and looking at decisions from a basis of energy, wherein I value a decision either as positive, or as negative, depending on how I feel about it, and how I experience myself in relation to the point, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I can’t trust my assessment of a decision when it’s done within energy, I mean the only valid point is to assess the actual physical practical outflows of a decision, the actual physical and practical implications of a decision – not the experience thereof; as such I commit myself to evaluate decisions whether they’re effective or not upon the basis of the physical effects and consequences of each decision – and not on the basis of how I feel to and towards the decision

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