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Day 440: Changing Insecurity Into Security

This week I have looked at the word insecurity and how it plays a part in my life. Initially, I did not consider insecurity as a major influence in my day-to-day living, however, I have noticed that insecurity takes on many shapes and forms.

One point that I had not seen as insecurity before is my tendency to desire positive feedback from superiors and older colleagues, and to have someone who I perceive to be higher up in the hierarchy give me direction. Without the affirmation, I tend to doubt myself, and without someone that I perceive to be higher up than me, I tend to change my decisions, because I become fearful and worried that I am not doing the right thing. Thus, for me, insecurity is connected with doing the RIGHT thing – and somehow I have concluded that I cannot be the one that decides that what I am doing is the right – I have to be approved.

Insecurity is limiting, and from what I am able to see, insecurity is in its essence about not not seeing myself as an equal individual, but instead trying to have others approve of me, and using the small bursts of energy that arise from such occasions to build up an illusion of security. Though, fact is, that when the support is removed, when the feedback becomes negative, when the superiors and those I have used to create the feeling security change how they look at me, then it all comes crashing down. Then, I experience fear and anxiety instead, that which I otherwise would try to hide by getting the approval.

However, insecurity does not only take the shape and form of following and relying on the judgments/opinions/ideas of others, it also comes through in stubbornness – in wanting to blow myself up and build up a facade, an illusion, to make myself and others believe that I am secure. This arise from the mistake of believing that being secure means that I always know what to do, have the solutions, and see the right way ahead. However, self-security is not necessarily about knowing what to do, or about taking the lead, or about always being certain and doing things my way. Rather, self-security is that deep and untouchable comfort and calm, stemming from knowing that regardless what comes my way, it will not change who I am, it will not change my base values and principles, it will not sweep my off my feet.

I see, that for myself, a priority when it comes to security and living this word, is to stop comparing myself to others, and stop believing that what I want/see needs to be confirmed/accepted from another for me to go through with it. I do not need the perceived added value and weight of anothers perception for me to make a decision and follow through with it. That is not to say however, that I must now know everything myself. It is important to be able to ask for perspectives and receive input, though, the decision as to what I am going to do must be my own. If I do not stand with my decision, then when the tide turns, I will fall back on it – because it was not real – it was not actually done for me.

Security thus, would be to, among other things, trust myself to make decisions for me and to not use others agreeing or disagreeing with me as a reason to make the decision, but to rather take their perspective/information/input and to assess it independently, and then make a decision for and as myself on the basis of my own reasoning.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others for me to make decisions, to rely on others to give me input, an opinion, a decision, so that I am able to lean upon them, instead of developing effective and self-independent reasoning skills, where the input and perspectives of others, are resources that I utilize in my own process of assessment and not reasons in themselves as to why I should or should not make a certain decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be concerned about the opinions of another, in the sense, of fearing that I will make a mistake and do something that will be considered, by another, as a bad/wrong/stupid/inadequate – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowing myself to base my sense of security on comparison – as to comparing myself with others – and if I find myself to be/do/live similar to what I believe others value positively – to then feel secure/safe/and on the right path

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that if I am to stand as my own chief and boss, as an entrepreneur, I require to change this point, and transform it into real security, real trust, real acceptance – where it is thus not about acquiring a life/way of living that I perceive to be right by comparison – but instead living a life for and as myself that I KNOW is an expression of and as myself – because I know myself – I have reasoned and concluded my own decisions – I know where I am going – and I know what I am going to do with and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that in order to make decisions that I can stand by consistently, long term, I have to make certain, that I do not base those decisions on a comparison, where I use the ideas/opinions/perceptions of another as my sole point of reason – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not developed and create my own reasoning abilities – to push myself to create self-independence within and as myself – where I am secure – in the sense that I am able to learn from and take from others what will support and empower me – however I make the decisions within me and do not accept and allow someone else to take that role within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow instead of being my own creator – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel more secure in following – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that following is always a point of dis-empowering myself – where I believe – that only because I do what another tells me to do – I am safe and on the right track – because I fear listening to and trusting myself – and fear developing my own reasoning abilities and making my own decisions – because that would imply that I am fully and wholly responsible for myself – my life – my consequences – my creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have someone make decisions for me, to want to have someone to follow, so that I do not need to be responsible for the decisions I make, for the direction that I take, for the consequences of my actions – but so that I always have someone to blame if things go wrong – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath – bring myself back here – and see, realize and understand – that it does not assist and support me to follow – and that even though I follow – I will still have to walk the consequences of my actions – because even though I convince myself otherwise – its still my actions

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself moving within myself to use another as a reason for me making a decision, where I rely upon another, without me assessing and looking at the point first, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this tendency of mine, to want to follow and use others as a reason, it dis-empowers me, and sets me off, spinning around, moving in directions that are not supportive, and eventually, I do not act or live the way that is best for me, because I follow, instead of direct – and thus I commit myself to DIRECT myself – and practice developing my own critical reasoning abilities – where I make decisions for and as myself – and assess the information received by others – not use it as my prime reason to move

When and as I see myself want to follow, rely upon, move myself because of the feedback of another, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that when I do, I create consequences for myself – I live in a way that is not supportive to me – and I make decisions that I later fall back on because I have not made/created them for me – AND – I miss out on actually LIVING and BUILDING my life for and as me – because I instead follow – and thus I commit myself to stop following and to starting living – to stop relying upon and instead develop my own point of movement and direction – where I make decision for and as me – though obviously – utilizing the perspectives and living of others as a inspiration and point of assistance and support


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Day 112: Follow The Positive?

Many, many, many people tend to strive towards a greater position in society – some desire to be a Lawyer, another a Doctor, and someone third to be a CEO for a great company – and I’ve equally found this point existent within myself.

Reasons-Why-Its-Important-To-Follow-Your-Dreams1-300x330Now, to clarify, there are some cool and relevant points within for example, establishing oneself in a position of the Lawyer in the system, as this will imply a certain authority and influence that can be utilized in order to bring forth change. What I want to bring up, and work with in this blog, is the irrational desire to reach such a position in the system, just because “it’s a elite position in the system” and “it feels good to imagine myself in that sort of position in the system” – because this is the sort of reasoning that I’ve noticed within myself.

When I’ve planned my future, my studies, and my career, what I’ve noticed myself doing, is that I will look at these sort of elite positions, and want to attain them, not from a starting point of considering what is practical, not from a starting point of consider who I am within it all, not from a starting point of looking at what it would entail to walk into such a position – no – the only point existent within me will be this positive feeling I have – that “this is the position I want to get into” – and obviously – this is not a decision based upon common sense but rather upon information that I’ve accepted and allowed to become who I am, because it’s ideas and assumptions that have been spoken, lived and regarded as real by people around my during my formative years.

Currently, I am standing at a point in my life, wherein I’ve realized that creating an effective life for myself in this world, and within that, making sure that I have a impact in this world, is not the same as following the various experiences I have towards decisions – and here as an example I can share my first experience as I was introduced to the world of sales. My initial reaction was that sales is not as glamorous, not as elitist, and not as filled with stature as being a lawyer, and thus I felt that I shouldn’t pursue this point at all – within this only considering my FEELINGS towards the particular opportunity.

Regardless of my initial reaction, I decided to do some research on this point of sales, and also on the point of being a lawyer – in order to really for myself clarify what these points entailed and whether they where aligned with what I wanted to have out of my life – doing this research was fascinating as suddenly I was able to see that many of my initial assessments of the point was a complete falsity.

Firstly, I became aware that the position I was striving for, as being a lawyer in the system, in particular working with business law, was an extremely competitive market, wherein only the best had a chance to make it – and that those that got in faced an extensive work load and quite poor salaries during their first 5 years of labor – thus not as glamorous as I perceived it to be.

Secondly, I became aware that as an effective salesperson, you could enable yourself to earn large quantities of money – comparable to those of lawyers – without having an extensive education of law, and severely overworking yourself – thus I could within this see that my initial ideas and assumptions where of mark – and that in-fact – I’d limited my awareness of my opportunities in life through holding unto this particular idea of “this position implies greatness and wealth” – instead of remaining unconditional and doing actual research as to how the points operated in actual physical reality.

So, herein I’ve realized that it’s important to never make decisions according to how one feel about a point, whether it be a positive experience, or a negative experience, because only things that one can cross-reference in physical reality – having the FACTS – is valid – all else is really a form of ignorance and brainwashing wherein one assume instead of finding out what is really going on and how it actually functions.

I would like to end of with saying that this blog isn’t meant to be some form of suggestion as to what type of career is the best and which one is the worst, as this is something we must individually assess based upon the contexts of our lives, as to what it is that we want to achieve, and how it is that we want to live; the point I want to bring through here is to not trust anything coming up within yourself that is of an energetic nature – as it simply can not be trusted – and that we must instead learn to work with and live by facts.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to what I experience instead of looking at facts – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust what comes up within me and to believe that because it comes up within me – it must be benevolent and trustworthy and that I can build my life around it – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in such a way that I resist that which I experience a negative reaction towards – and go into attraction towards that which I experience a positive reaction towards – without regard and consideration for the FACTS – the objective reality that is here which doesn’t consist out of experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am faced with decisions in my world – to consider what I experience – instead of considering what is here; and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I experience towards a particular decisions is more important than common sense – than assessing the point in physical reality and looking at whether or whether not I am able to stand with the outflows of making such a decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can only trust facts – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I make decisions – accept and allow myself to do the research – to do the necessary check and assess and cross-reference my decisions with reality to look at whether the point is in-fact in aligned with my reality or whether it’s just a miscalculation and a positive feeling that I am following without any discernment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I experience fear and anxiety towards a particular point, and when I resist and experience negativity towards a particular point and opportunity, to then believe that this implies that I should avoid that particular point and opportunity, I should resist and not go to it because apparently it’s “bad”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it’s common sense that I can’t rely on my experience of points to make decisions, because what are really my experiences? Well – it’s my assumptions, the limited information that I’ve gathered throughout my life that doesn’t really have any connection to physical reality – because most of it is hearsay – most if it is things that I’ve created and made up in my mind and that isn’t really existing on a physical level; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath – and make decisions based upon facts – based upon what I see – what I can cross-reference – and what I can see in my research as a matter of fact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of looking at the facts, look at my experiences, and place more trust in my experiences, than what is here as facts – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and see, realize and understand that effective decisions can only flow from having facts – and as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to make an effort to do specific and effective research on points when I make decisions or consider making decisions and plans in my world

Self-commitments

I commit myself to when I make decisions – look at the facts, the practical, the reality – what is here – and to forgive and breathe through any experience coming up within me whether positive or negative

I commit myself to not trust the experience, whether negative, or positive, coming up towards a decision I walk, that I’ve made, or that I am planning to make – and instead consider practical points – what is here – what I can see and touch and discern as being actual reality

I commit myself to realize that I can’t trust an experience and make an effective decision based upon experience – because experience is not in relationship to reality

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Giving Up Your Passion For Money

There are many of us in this world that find ourselves to have a passion for something – a deep liking and fascination – it could be a action, or hobby that we enjoy immensely and for me I’ve found such a passion towards music – towards singing and playing guitar. For me this passion opened up as I first discovered blues and improvisational music – and as I let myself explore the guitar by myself – read books about various techniques and listen to music done by various fascinating artists – such as Jimi Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughn, John Lee Hooker etc. – and the more I immersed myself into this world of music the more passionate I became, the more I enjoyed it.

Though – music hasn’t been my only passion in life – I’ve found myself enjoying myself within making films, theater, and acting – as well as writing, painting, building, and so on – I’ve found most types of creative expression to be fulfilling and fun – yet when the time came for me to pick a college orientation I didn’t pick a orientation that had anything to do with creativity or art – I picked a orientation that was directed towards getting to know the functions of society – wherein the primary subjects was history, language, and societal knowledge – nothing of which I was passionate towards at all – the question that begs to be answers is why I made such a choice; the reason is simple – I picked the orientation because I knew it would send me in a direction in society of being able to at a later stage claim a higher education – which would then in turn enable me to generate money – the decision I made was made from a starting point of securing an income for myself.

And so – I compromised my dreams for money – and this point opened up to me as I listened to a Life Review of someone that also compromised his dreams for money; he was born in a elitist family, and brought up and schooled from a young age to take over his families business – while his real interest and passion was art. He grew up fascinated with the great masters of the paintbrush, and he was discovering new techniques, investigating and learning more about the craft – until one day when he was 14 years old – this day his mother and father came into his room and told him that – that was it – from now on he’s to learn how to become a successful business owner and stop his obsession with painting; and they took away all of his art, paintbrushes, frames, art books etc. There was no fighting, he simply gave into the wishes of his parents – as he realized that if he fought he’d probably be disowned and live a life of insecurity wherein he wouldn’t have access to any money, and the surety of being wealthy – and so he compromised his dreams for money.

What I realized as I listened to this review was that we can’t in-fact live our dreams in this system as it currently exist – thus I saw that the solution for me to be able to live out my dreams and passion was not to give up upon my current education – or stand within the system and go and live out my desire to become a musician in the system – no because I saw and realized that the problem wasn’t that I didn’t live out my dreams but the problem was that in this current money system – dreams can’t be lived out at all – in anyway what-so-ever. Even if I’d chosen to walk the path of a musician, I would’ve still been forced to compromise myself and my artistic expression in order to gain sufficient with attention from others in order to make money – and then I still wouldn’t have been able to live out my passion fully.

So, I don’t regret myself for compromising my dreams for money – because money is in-fact essential in this current system, and without it we’re fucked – and because of that everyone’s dreams are compromised, as we’re all in a constant hunt and competition in order to gain sufficient with money to survive. Thus – that I compromised my dreams for money was a common sense decision, wherein I saw that the path of music was financially uncertain, while the path of walking a higher education wasn’t – which is a truth that can’t be denied – yet let’s not forget that this truth is completely fucked up and obviously no one should ever have to compromise their dreams for money – no one.

But in our current system no one can live out their dreams, no one can live their passion – as we’re all slaves to money – we’re all dependent upon money – we’re all caught in the game of money and if we don’t play along we won’t survive this world – as such a new economic system must be established for us to be able to live out what it is that we really find stimulating, interesting, fascinating and enjoyable – a system within which we don’t require to compromise ourselves for money in order to survive, but wherein we’re instead supported to pursue our desires to express ourselves in certain ways, develop our talents and passions, and truly live.

Thus if you recognize yourself in this, as you also saw within yourself as you got to know yourself in this world – that there were certain things you really loved to do – found utterly fascinating and enjoyable – but that you couldn’t pursue due to money – or rather the constant lack of money – then I really recommend that you watch this video – this Life Review – and realize that as long as we’re in a system that doesn’t support us to enjoy ourselves and follow what we’re passionate about – we won’t ever be able to truly experience and give ourselves to that which we love. We need a new system – a Equal Money System – were we’re all equal since birth – no one born in debt – no one born in wealth – but all equal – and where work is done for the pleasure of it and not because of survival – such a world is possible yet we have to create it – don’t wait for it to come, let’s bring it here!