Tag Archives: force

Day 419: Natural Movement

Living close to my mother now for about two years has been challenging, however also, very, very revealing, in the sense that I have learned SO much about myself from observing my mother, and then bringing it back to me. It is fascinating, because what I have found is that we are so similar in many ways. And this has been shared by Desteni for a long time already; we are copies of our parents – and hence our experiences, reactions, observations and relationships towards and with our parents – they can become a great source for self-reflection.

One point that I have observed in my mother is the following: She is driven, ambitious and motivated – and many times this drive will cause her to take on more than she is able to handle. The consequences is that my mother feels forced to run through many things in her life, just push through, get to the other end, be done with it and move on – which in turn leads to less effective results and that she does not get to be fully part of that particular process/aspect of her life. And – big shock – I do exactly the same.

For my summer vacation I had quite a number of projects planned. Though, as anyone with experience in building and construction can vouch for, it always takes way longer than what you initially planned! Same was true for me. And little by little, my projects, instead of being a enjoyable hobby, became a weight, a fight against time and space – where these existential phenomenons always seemed to scheme against me. I started to become stressed and anxious, and noticed that I was hurrying and rushing to get things done. After some time, I felt as if I did not have time to go out on walks with my partner, go bathing, and hang around with summer visitors, because, I had to get my projects completed!

So, this is where I stepped in and started question my approach. Firstly, I could see that I had taken on too much, and that my hobbies had become a burden – I had been too ambitious – similar to my mother. Secondly, I could see that I was creating these arbitrary deadlines, and ideas of what had to be done and when, in such a way, that I was actually making it difficult for me to use my vacation to replenish and refresh myself to stand and walk in the system for another year in my profession – and that I was not anymore allowing myself to pursue and do the small points of enjoyment that I otherwise love to pursue and be part of – such as taking a walk and going for a swim.

Thus – what I have been able to take from this sequence of events is the following: To calm down with my projects, to not bee overly ambitious, but to have a balance in my life, to practice not taking on too much, but considering to overall context of my life as it currently is when I make decisions as to what I am going to do. Then, I have learned that, it is not quantity that matters, it is quality. When I give myself the time and space to commit to a point, and fully walk it, using the time required, then hell, I usually enjoy it a lot, and the results become really good. It is a completely different thing compared to taking care a of chore from the starting point of thinking that I do not have enough time, and that I need to rush through it as fast as possible.

Because of this I have deliberately practiced slowing down, allowing points to take time. For example today, I had planned to go out and remove a saw blade from my mitre saw. I envisioned that it would take about half an hour. However, it took about two hours, because the blade would simply not come loose. I became stressed, though, I slowed myself down, and gave it the time it required, and later, the bolt eventually loosened and I was able to pick the blade off the saw.

Hence, this is what I will continue to practice – FLOW and NATURAL MOVEMENT – to not try to force movement – to rather focus on doing a few things fully than a lot of things with only some of me taking part and the rest of me already in the new project.


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Day 380: Enforcing A HELL-thy Lifestyle

The Problem

Today I faced a situation where I got to experience a less pleasurable side of myself. I am going to call this side of myself the ‘coach’-character – because what happened is that I started to coach and push my partner to do a certain thing that I perceived to be healthy. When my partner responded negatively, instead of asking why, or simply letting the point go, my attempts to get my partner unto the ‘right path’ intensified, because I perceived myself as knowing/seeing what would be the best and most healthy option for my partner. Obviously, in retrospect I am able to see that the entire moment was created because of how I have misaligned my relationship to coaching/pushing/supporting others, and to the word health – and in the following blog I am going to walk through these misalignment’s and establish solutions that I am able to live instead.

When Coaching Becomes Forcing

Coaching becomes forcing when I am trying to create/will an outcome without consideration, without being humble, without seeing the other person, where they are at, and what would be best for them. Hence, forcing comes through when I have my own personal agenda, when the support is not unconditional. Because when I have an agenda, a mission to complete, a goal to reach, then suddenly, in my mind it makes a lot more sense to force, because then I have something to lose if I do not.

However, the notion that I have something to lose if my support (what I perceive is best) does not come through the way I have imagined, that is a misaligned understanding of what it means to support. Because then it is not anymore support, then it is gratifying my own self-interest, and using the word support as an excuse to be able to continue. Obviously, support, to be what is best for all, must be done unconditionally, it must be done without a goal, desire, a personal investment in anyway what so ever, because a personal investment will cloud my clarity – and make it difficult for me to see what kind of support the person really needs.

In the case with my partner, I wanted her to do something that I perceived as healthy. My point of self-interest within this was that I wanted/desired to have a healthy and strong partner with an active lifestyle. Because I held unto my self-interest I did not hear or see my partner and where she was at, as she did not have the strength to pursue the particular activity at the moment. If I would have been clear in my starting point, this is where I could have dropped the entire point, however because I was personally vested, I pushed the point even further, and became forceful.

Solution: When I see that I can support another with a point, I make sure that I am clear and there is no personal investment, no desire, no fear, that is motivating me to achieve a particular result, because I know, that if this is the case, my support will be tainted and not unconditional. Hence – I commit myself to clear myself using self-forgiveness and writing – and to first when I stand stable – offer my unconditional support to another and give as I would like to receive.

When health becomes a HELL

Health, a word with so many meanings and that have become excessively abused in this world, causing a lot of pain and misery for many, many people. The problem with how we have defined health is that health is seen as one state, one ideal, one way of living/being/looking, and that if we are able to compress/alter/change our life/ourselves to fit into this lifestyle of health, then we are apparently healthy. However, a big problem with this way of approaching health is that we are not considering that what might be healthy for one person, can be completely unhealthy for another.

This is what I did with my partner, as I had a particular idea that it is healthy to go out and walk for a moment. And sure, that might be so in a certain context. If I am otherwise in a good shape, not sick, I have the time, and there are no other barriers, it is usually supportive to go out for a walk. However, in my partners context, she did not feel physically rested, and she instead felt that it would be best for her to remain indoors and sleep. Because of my limited definition/understanding of health – I reacted – and thought: ‘But that is not healthy? I must help my partner to do the healthy thing’.

Since then I have reflected on the word healthy – what is real health? Having a fit body does not define health – eating only vegetables does not define health – because health is obviously something much more expansive – it is not only related to physical looks, food and exercise routines. What is more important is WHO WE ARE as human beings and how we relate to our human physical bodies – where a healthy approach would be to listen and be aware of how our physical bodies respond and feel to who we are in our minds and to what we eat and how we move ourselves – and acting/living in such a way that we support our bodies to reach its utmost potential. And that potential does necessarily imply that we have abs, toned bodies and that we only eat green, vegetarian food – rather health and the way our bodies express as health will be different and unique to each body – and will also reflect the beings individuality that inhabits the body.

Thus – in this moment with my partner – my partner was healthy when she made the decision to sleep – as that was what my partners body required in that moment to be able to express and function at its full potential.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit the word health through defining it as eating vegetables, working out and staying away from sugar – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not expand the word health, to move it, and make it part of my life, and as such give it a holistic, all encompassing definition, where it is not only about looking good, and eating good, but also about WHO I AM

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit how I live health through only focusing on my body – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that health is also about who I am within my mind, within my thoughts, who I am within my daily movement and direction, who I am within making decisions, it is the entirety of me, where I can support myself to stand within my full potential (living healthy) in all areas of my life instead of merely being concerned with how my body looks like and what I eat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge certain foods as healthy, and other foods as unhealthy, and within this separate myself from certain types of food, and not eat them, even though my body is showing me through hunger/urges/movements that it wants a particular type of food that I have defined as unhealthy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I cannot understand food through labeling it as either healthy or unhealthy – because food – as with all physical parts of this reality – is multidimensional and has a different purpose/function/value depending on the context in which it is existing – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the physical instead of standing with and as my physical and interacting with it directly – immediately – not relating to it through thinking/experiencing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not expand health and make it a part of myself – not something separate that I must reach and attain through eating ‘healthy food’ and doing ‘healthy stuff’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define health according to what is said and written in various news papers that profess that they know what health is and how health can be reached – instead of looking within me and redefining health according to my own understanding of health – and then live health in my life in a way that is supportive and that enhances and builds me instead of destroying me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force another to do what I perceive is best – instead of understanding – learning – and being humble – to see who another is and within this also come to terms with the point that I do not necessarily know what is best for another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force my view and idea of things unto others and expect them to live and behave according to how I have defined ‘what is best’ within me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be open and humble to learning new perspectives – seeing things differently – understanding that I might not know exactly what is best – what direction to go – and how to be healthy – and that thus – it is important for me to take a breath – relax and bring myself back here into and as my human physical body – and approach the situation from within and as a stable and grounded starting point where I am open and ready to learn something new

Self-commitment statements

Solution with regards to Forcing

When and as I see myself trying to impose, push, force my way of thinking, seeing things, understanding things, and I have a reaction, that motivates me to continue to argument, and force, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that in forcing, I am merely living out my own reactions, trying to have others adhere to how I experience things, thus, not supporting others to live to their utmost potential – and hence I see that this is not something that I would have wanted others to do towards me – as I would have wanted them to support me unconditionally and without their own agenda and personal investment in the point; hence I commit myself to stop my reactions and ground myself – and make sure – that if I decide to support another – that I am clear, stable and grounded – and that I speak and support from a starting point of genuinely caring for another and that they expand themselves and move to become the best that they can be

Solution to misalignment with regards to Health

I commit myself to live and apply the word health in my life with the following definition: Health is when I assist and support myself, mentally and physically, to be the best that I can be – and I do this through listening to myself and my body – being aware of what I am going through and what would be best for me – being fully and wholly open to all directions and not judging any part of the physical as ‘unhealthy’ and per definition avoiding it – hence not relying on ideas, ideals, diets and similar concepts.


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Day 371: Chilling Out

Some time has passed since I finished my studies and got my first job – and in it has been a process with some changes. One of the biggest shifts has been that I have had a lot less time while working compared to when I was studying. This change took me by surprise and a couple of times, especially lately, I have reacted to the point that I do not have more time to my disposal. Instead of embracing the my life at moment simply does not contain the amount of leisure time that I had access to before, I have tried to handle it within the starting point of making myself more efficient. I do see that such a application is a cool way to tackle lack of time, however, it is also important to make sure that the decision to practice time efficiency is not based on fear or a reaction towards not having as much time  when compared to the past.

Last week I really pushed time efficiency, though afterwards, I could see that it was from within and as a starting point of fear – because I scurried about trying to do as much as possible without really getting anything done – and as I woke up the next morning – I could literally feel in my body how I had been moving myself too fast the day before. Another point that I could notice with how I moved myself was the way I prioritized the different activities/tasks were not effectively aligned. I felt pressured to continue certain tasks, that when looking at them objectively, were not in any way as urgent as I made them out to be.

Thus, there is a difference between being efficient with time and being stressed/uptight about time. The latter way of relating to time is when we believe that we should strive towards getting as much done as possible. Obviously, getting a lot of things done does not in itself mean that our life will be effectively organized and directed – because for us to be effective in that regard as well – we must be able to prioritize, to see the big picture, and ascertain as well as specify what order activities/tasks should be walked. When we are able to do that, as well as being efficient with our time, then we are making real progress.

However, just scurrying about trying to do as much as possible, that is not only inefficient, it also puts a strain on the body. The body should always be considered in any type of schedule. If we do not make space and time for the body to recuperate and rejuvenate from labor we will not be effective and in time our body will show physical symptoms of our disregard. That is why time efficiency does not imply ‘doing things as fast as possible’ – rather – being efficient with time is to know the limits of the physical, to plan and organize effectively, and to prioritize, and not become stressed/anxious/worried when there simply is not enough time for certain tasks/activities. If that happens, it is better to simply let them go, and then when time opens up another day, to then pursue the point.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become winded up when I notice that I do not have enough time to do everything I have planned, and then try to force the execution and creation of my plans into reality, not seeing, realizing and understanding, that I am by doing that creating consequences for myself, I am harming myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force my plans and visions into creation instead of walking breath by breath – HERE in the physical – not accepting and allowing myself to attempt try to skip steps and move to fast – but to see, realize and understand that my movement and creation of points will be efficient – when I walk HERE – in the physical – not trying to do more than – or less than – but remaining in the physical – doing things breath by breath – moving points breath by breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself in balance and equilibrium with my external reality – and to within this see, realize and understand – that when I try to force points from within and as a starting point of stress – I am creating consequences for my human physical body – and then – further – I am creating consequences in the sense that what I do is usually not done very effectively – because I rush through it – trying to complete it – not seeing, realizing and understanding that for an expression to come through nicely – I must invest the time and effort required – and that cannot be controlled by my stress and urge to get points done now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to force the creation of time, to force getting and having more time on my hands, and to go into an emotional turmoil and conflict when I feel that there is not enough time to do what I have planned – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not the time that I push and change, it is rather my planning, my organization and my priorities – and also see that when I attempt and try to force points into creation – prematurely birthing them and placing them into this world even though the prerequisites for such a creation is not here – then I am creating consequences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not chill out – to allow myself to let go of the need, the urge, to complete certain tasks – to asks myself in self-honesty whether it is in-fact as important to complete this point that I am looking as it seems and feels inside of my mind – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, to bring myself back here to and as my human physical body, and to move with breath, to move with the physical, to move one step at a time, and to assess in each moment if it works, if I am moving myself effectively – and if I am satisfied with how the point is playing out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate getting things done with a positive feeling – to think that it is positive, it is good, it is beneficial the more things that I get done – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this premise – because why would it be good the more things I get done? There is nothing within getting things done that in itself creates a better me, or a better world, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that I have been indoctrinated into a ‘productive’ mind-set – where the production is what matters – the amount of products produced – and not the presence within that production and work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value quantity before quality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is a value in how I get things done – to see that it is not only about producing and showing a product – it is also about who I am in the making and creation of that product – because if I am running around in a state of stress – then what does it really mean to be able to create a lot of things? Because I am not really HERE anyway – I am not really living anyway – so what does it then matter that I am able to produce and create a lot of things?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice comfortable and easy-going – chilled out – movement – to move myself breath by breath – from point to point – getting things done in a steady and consistent pace – not accepting and allowing myself to become rushed – and then attempt and try to rush the completion of what I am doing so that I can get to the next point – no – I move myself breath by breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that I will get things done – maybe not now – but if I stick to the point and I move myself consistently – little by little – day by day – then I will move the point into completion eventually – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have this expansive way of viewing my reality – where I see the entire timeline of a creation stretched out into the future – and I do not accept and allow myself to become zoned in and possessed with wanting to and trying to finish and complete something HERE in this moment

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am rushing myself, forcing myself to move to get as many points done as possible, I take a breath, I bring myself back here, and I stop myself, and I see, realize and understand that being efficient with time, also implies moving myself consistently, with a comfortable pace for my body, taking breaks and moments to support my body – being realistic about what can be done, prioritizing and making sure that I pursue the most important tasks first and organizing and planning my time – and also having an overview – seeing that some projects and tasks will take longer to complete – and that it is nothing wrong in itself – it is simply what it is – that is how physical reality operates – certain points takes time; thus I commit myself to move myself breath by breath – and when I get stressed or I notice that I jump in my thought processes between various projects – I take a breath – I ground myself back here – and I continue to move myself in a comfortable pace with the ONE project I got going HERE

And – I commit myself to develop the skills of prioritizing, planning and organizing – to as such develop an overview of my life – and also learn what is important and what is not – to understand within this that to produce is not what matters – what matters is who I am within that – and that I am creating a life for myself and others that is effective and supportive in all dimensions and aspects of living


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Day 228: It won’t go faster even though I want it to

A trigger point for stress that I’ve noticed recently is when things take longer than they expect them to take. This point has opened up in relation to a university course in marketing that I’m walking.

When I decided upon taking this course, I held an assumption that it would be easy. I thought it would be one of those basic courses with a few assignments, and then an exam at the end. Usually I’ve been able to walk through such courses with ease – and it’s only been required of me to invest some hours each week for me to stay on top of things and make sure that I’m following along with curriculum.

Though, this course in marketing happened to be a course that contrary to my assumption, was big – containing many assignments, a impressive amounts of papers to be read, and on-top of that, an exam at the end of the course. Thus, what has happened is that I’m now in a position with regards to my studies, where I feel that there is too much to do, and too little time for me to invest. A consequence that has developed due to me initially having the assumption that “I will not have to spend much time on this!” – is that when I sit down to write my assignments, I go into a state of stress, and attempt to force a result to come through faster, so that it can fit with my initial idea of how much time it should’ve taken me to successfully put this course behind me.

Now, this is not an effective way to approach studies, and neither life in general, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that when I try to force things, it will not produce a end result that I am satisfied. On top of that, I will place pressure on myself, because I’m trying to move faster than what I’m able to move – thus creating a conflict within me. Because obviously, when I try to force a point to move faster than is possible, then this will put a strain on me and diminish my capacity to effectively walk through the material.

What are the lessons to be learned from this?

Firstly: It’s possible to plan and make an overall assessment of how things might play out in the future – but it’s not possible to make an exact prediction of how reality is in-fact going to manifest as I put my plan into action. Thus, it’s important to remain flexible, and when I notice that a task, responsibility or commitment takes me longer than what I initially thought, to then align with reality, and walk with the new conditions of my life – instead of trying to fight them.

If I was to relate this to my marketing course, the solution is that I stop trying to force the completion of the course with as little time as I initially assumed – and rather align myself with the reality of the situation, which is that I must put in more effort and time to effectively bring this to a conclusion. Fortunately my reality allows for such a change in priorities, and thus there is nothing hindering me from giving this aspect of my life more of my time.

Secondly: To create something in the physical takes the time it takes. It’s not possible to speed up the creation of a physical creation through stress, it’s not possible to speed up through thinking about how fast it should be going. For example, to cook a meal, you require a certain amount of time, and you can’t do it faster than this. If you do, then you’ll end up with undercooked food, which is not nourishing or supportive for the human physical body – and the same goes for all other physical creation points. They require a certain investment of time, and instead of fighting reality, the solution is to walk with reality.

Relating this to the situation I’m facing, the solution would be to let go of the need for things to go faster than what they are, and embrace the point of walking this course, and invest the time necessary for me to do it effectively – realizing that there is no way I can force physical reality to bend to my will of wanting things to go faster, through existing in a constant conflict within myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an assumption of how fast I would be able to complete and walk through my course, and then when this shows out to not be the case, go into a resistance, and not want to accept the reality that I’m facing, and then instead of aligning my priorities, and responsibilities, so that I can take care of this course, and give it the time it requires, want to fight reality, and use energy, as stress, to force myself through the course, and do it faster

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that walking in the pace of breath, means that certain points in my life that involve physical creation, can’t be forced, can’t be stressed – and here an analogy can be made to the growth of a tree – I can’t force a tree to grow faster than what it does, through for example, giving it excessive amounts of sun, or water, because both will damage the tree and instead of empowering it, diminishing it, and it will in-fact regress rather than grow – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the same applies for me in regards to the responsibilities and commitments that I’m walking – that certain points must simply take the time that they require – else they’ll be compromised

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I try to force things, to make them move faster than what they’re able to, then I’m going to compromise the creation, and it won’t be stable, or effective – such as for example when I force the point of writing my assignments, trying to do them as fast as possible = when I do this I’m in-fact compromising the effectiveness of my writings, and thus I am missing in that a moment where I could develop my potential for writing, and expressing myself in letters, and become more effective with regards to comprehending, and then sharing information in the written word

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that quality far outweighs quantity, that doing something with presence, awareness and care, and creating a quality product, is something that I will be satisfied with, and look back at with a sense of contentedness, because I’m completing that moment, walking it to it’s fullest potential, whereas when I do things, just to get them done, focusing upon quantity, I’m going to look back in a sense of dissatisfaction, knowing that I didn’t walk that particular point to it’s fullest potential, but instead compromised the creation because I wanted to get it done faster

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that instead of fighting points that enter into my life, that requires my time, effort, and patience to be effectively walked, to instead embrace them, to see that this point comes into my life for me to direct the point, for me to express myself within this point, and learn something from it – and I’m not able to walk that process of self-growth and expansion if I accept and allow myself to hold unto, and exist within and as a state of conflict within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be comfortable with making room for my studies, accepting and allowing myself to take the time I require in order to walk through my studies, in order to integrate the information, and to write an effective assignment – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution is to slow down, and to embrace life as the physical, as it comes into my world and instead of fighting life, embrace and see what I can learn, what gifts I can develop, what point I can extract and give to myself that this particular point represents

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I want to stress, and force my studies, and make them go faster than what they’re able to, I stop, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understanding that in stressing, forcing and attempting to get things done NOW – because I believe that this particular point is not worth the time, then I am missing a gift, and squandering a moment of self-creation, and not living my life to create quality, substance, and value from the points that I’m walking – and thus I commit myself to embrace the responsibilities, and obligations that enter into my life – to walk them fully, completely and with awareness – and to make the most of time – and to identify for myself what gifts I’m able to develop and create from within this particular point that I’m facing

When and as I see myself wanting to force the process of physical creation, because I perceive that I don’t have the time to walk it effectively, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that when I try to force physical creation, the results are not effective, and instead of fulfilling the potential of a moment, I’m barely evening involving myself, because in my mind, I’m already at the next point that I perceive I should be doing – and thus I commit myself to ground myself here – and to practice walking with full awareness with the point that is here before me and what I’m doing – and not be distracted by how much or little time I perceive that I have – rather align my priorities so that I have sufficient with time to walk the responsibilities and obligations that enter into my sphere of influence

Day 211: An Unknown Variable

In my world there has come up some points which I see that I’ve no direct control or influence over – and primarily they are related to someone having to do or finish something, before I’m able to take action and do my part. This has caused some conflict within me – and the reactions I’ve had towards these events have been anxiety and blame.

Now, the anxiety has come up, because when I perceive that someone else have control or direction over a particular point, then apparently I’m powerless in taking direction in my own life, and I’ve to wait, sit back and hope that the point gets sorted out. That then is something I perceive as a threat against my security, and survival in this world – because I’m out of control – no power and no direction.

Then the part of this reaction that is blame has come up because I see the other individual as being responsible for this state of anxiety and unsettledness that I go into – it’s apparently their fault that I can’t effectively plan my life, and move myself in the direction that I see is effective. Obviously, this is me trying to escape the prospect of taking responsibility for myself and my reactions – because the fact that some areas of my life might difficult to foresee doesn’t in itself imply that I must react in a state of anxiety – that is a pattern I’ve accepted and allowed within me and has nothing to do with the situation that I am facing.

Thus – what I see I require working with is this urge of having control and knowing where I am going in life – knowing what’s going to happen – what are my goals – and what my future will entail. And this relates to a blog I wrote recently on me standing as the fountain of life – and creating my life HERE from the starting point of me expressing and sharing WHO I AM here in every moment of breath. Because that is something diametrically different than trying to have a complete vision and picture of where I am going, what I am going to do, where I am going to contribute, and how I am going to live – standing as the fountain of life implies that I trust myself to create my life in real time – that I trust myself that as I walk my purpose and my process – my life will unfold and the points that I require to deal with will open up naturally.

Though, trusting that something will ‘just open up’ is not something that I’m at this stage comfortable with – I rather force something open just to be sure that it will open up – but this is not an effective way to go about living. Because when I force myself through life, I actually miss important points, opportunities, situations, and points – as I am far too busy ‘knowing’ where I am going – than actually living and being receptive to my environment and what is happening around me.

The trust in myself that my life will open up as I move is what I require to establish within me – because this will allow me to actually live – instead of just pretending to live attempting to reach an abstract goal somewhere in the future – that is apparently more valuable and worthwhile than life here.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that as I move and walk through my life – points will naturally open up and become visible for me to see – so that I can direct them – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a pattern of attempting and trying to force points into creation – to force change and movement into existence – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that when I force something I am not walking with life – with breath – and with the physical – which will have the consequence of me missing what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious and worried when I don’t have absolute control over my future and the events that will unfold – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must have a total control and direction over the points in my life and their process of creation – and that if I don’t have that – I will not be able to effectively create and build my life as I see that I require and need to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate not knowing what is going to come with worry and anxiety – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use worry and anxiety as coping mechanisms to handle uncertainty and the unknown – instead of accepting and allowing myself to trust myself as the fountain of life – and walk into the future within and as breath – to realize that the future is here and is something that I create in every moment of living and applying myself – and moving myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts, and backchat of anxiety and worry when there is a situation in my life that I can’t control – and that I can’t know the outcome of – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s the situations fault that I don’t feel secure, safe, and comfortable in me – and think that I require to force to situation to move the way I desire and want it to – for me to yet again feel safe – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force life – to force points into creation instead of walking with creation – and trusting myself that points will develop and expand as I develop and expand and move myself in my daily living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I attempt and try to force points – I’m in-fact moving points further away – and I’m causing conflict because instead of taking all points into account and moving myself with the physical – with breath – with what is here – I’m moving myself within and as anxiety, stress, and worry – and I’m making myself tense and unable to see what is before me – unable to remain objective and sensible – because I just want to fix the situation so that I can relax – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can give myself that point of relaxation unconditionally – that I can give myself that point of remaining stable and steadfast – without having to force the situation to go into the direction that I desire

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the solution to changing my experience of worry and anxiety is to force the situation to change – is to enforce my ideas of what needs to happen for me to relax and let go – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed within and as a state of trying to change my practical situation to suit my ideas instead of looking inwards at what I am accepting and allowing – and realizing that I myself require to change – because it’s my relationship with myself within that is creating this entire experience that I am having – that I am then trying to resolve through forcing a change in my external environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a enforcer in trying to rid myself of worry and anxiety – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the effective way and means of releasing patterns of stress, worry and anxiety – is not through enforcing a change in my practical reality – but is through changing myself – and standing in a state of being unconditional and facing myself world within and as stability and common sense – and directing points rather than enforcing my view of things must be and become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when this worry and anxiety comes up – stop – stabilize myself – breathe deeply in and out – and then state the word that I am calm – I am stable – and stand as these words with and as my human physical body – and thus change my relationship to my external reality – wherein I stand stable and steadfast within me – and I do not accept and allow myself to become a victim of emotions – that then lead me to enforce my way of seeing things – but I stand with my physical and direct points within and as common sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the solutions to my inner experience is to change my external reality – that it’s to enforce my way of viewing things and attain a control of my world – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is merely a coping mechanism – wherein I am trying to suppress my initial discomfort through gaining control and power over my outside world – not realizing that I am in this not dealing with the actual core issue – and the real problem – which is my relationship with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I am faced with a situation where I don’t have control – to breathe and stabilize myself in my physical body – to trust myself that as I walk I will direct myself and my life – and trust myself to stand as the fountain of life and have my expression in every moment be the creative force and motivation of my world – and that I thus do not accept and allow myself to enforce change in my external world to feel more comfortable and safe

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am trying to enforce a change, and redirect my physical environment for me to feel more safe, and secure – I immediately stop, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that the problem is not my environment but my relationship with and towards myself – my relationship with life and the unknown – where I’ve accepted myself as inferior and used this enforcer character to feel in control – thus I commit myself to breathe and to look within – and deal with the reaction that resides there – and make sure that I am clear, stable and sound before I act and move myself

When and as I react in fear, and anxiety because there is a variable in my world that I don’t have full control and direction over – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this variable is not what causes worry and anxiety within me – it’s not what makes me feel uncomfortable – rather what causes this experience is my relationship with myself – and thus I commit myself to take charge of myself through looking in – and dealing with – facing the experience that is coming up within me – and not blame and project this point unto what is going on in my physical direct reality

When and as I see that I am blaming a situation, or individual, because I think that they are causing anxiety and worry in me – because I can’t control the outcome of that particular point, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that what causes my experience is not the individual or the situation – and that thus they are not to blame – they are not to be focused upon – rather the focus must be placed here with myself – so that I can walk my life – and correct these experiences – and walk into the unknown and still be stable and certain in me – and direct me through the challenges that might arise

Day 191: A New Way of Doing Things

Recently I’ve been working with a state of fear that I go into quite often – most of the times I will enter into it in the morning – and then not be able to get out of it until nighttime. This is most definitely one of those points that I see I must change – and that I want to change – but that I’ve not been able to push through – and within that get to a conclusion and condition of real lasting change and transformation.

Though – today as I listened to interview called: “Insecurity: Quantum Levels – Atlanteans – Part 253” – I came to understand that one of the reasons as to why this point has felt so difficult and overbearing is because of how I’ve approached. Before I’ve immediately as the fear came up within me gone into a ‘breath through the experience’-application – wherein I’ve then pushed and willed myself to remain with my breath to get through the energy – but this have tended to exacerbate the fear-experience and placed me even further into a state of physical discomfort and energetic possession.

So, when I today listened to this interview, I realized what I’d been doing and why it’s been difficult – because in my application of ‘pushing through’ I’ve actually feed the experience through giving it attention – and by reacting to the experience as it being difficult and overbearing – thus making it bigger and more than it actually is.

I now see that I’ve to take a different approach to this reaction – and not proceed towards the experience in a state of ‘fight’ and ‘push’ mode – instead I have to be more gentle – and when I go into this point – rather place my focus and attention on what I am doing here – and let the experience come up and release – thus I will not anymore go into this state of ‘having to fix and direct’ the experience – but rather see it come up within me – then shift my attention to what I am doing HERE physically and not make the fear my focal point – rather I place the emphasis on what I’m involved with here – what project I am currently walking – what there is I must take into account in directing my physical world here – and so on.

What can be learned from this is thus that ‘pushing hard’ isn’t necessarily the solution to everything that comes up within – sometimes another type and form application is required to bring about change – it’s thus important to remain open and look for different solutions and ways of going directing one’s inner world – so that one doesn’t get stuck in this one type and form of hard-ass pushing forward application – because that will not produce effective results.