Tag Archives: friends

Day 409: Relationships and Connections

I am on a base level a content and satisfied person. I usually feel at peace with myself and I enjoy spending time alone. Hence – I have no real drive to establish and maintain relationships with other people – and that is problematic. Because relationships add a lot of value for both parties. It is a mutual exchange of experiences and expressions that takes place that usually supports both individuals to expand. Without relationships, it is easy to get stuck in a state of isolation. And isolation literally means that movement stops, I become stuck as ICE – because I do not receive new ideas and perspectives from my external reality. That is why it is important for me to motivate myself to reach out to others.

However – I have also realized that I need to reach out on my terms. This means that I do not seek friendship relationships, where time is spent ‘hanging out’ – because that is not my thing. My preference is to act, to do, to create, and to learn and thus I seek contact with people that value such a lifestyle. And I seek contexts that support mutual creation and movement. For example, I really enjoy developing connections with others that are in my line of work. We have our work in common, and when we meet, we discuss and open up perspectives in relation to our careers. I find that very rewarding – and I can also contribute to others. I have also joined several societies, one that works to better the life of the locals, one that work to promote human rights, and another that is engaged with politics. In these societies I meet new people and I get to engage and create as well.

I see many, especially older people, that have problems reaching out and developing new relationships. The reason for that, as I have come to understand relationships, is that we fail to engage in meaningful contexts with others – and we instead wait for relationships to develop similar to how they did when we were younger. Back then, in school, relationships blossomed and grew automatically, and most kids had similar interests – to play and have fun. When we get older, it does not work the same. We are more individualized, less open and curious, and thus we cannot expect relationships to just come to us, we have to actively put ourselves into positions where we can engage with others – and we have to actively push ourselves to relate, communicate, share and interact.

Thus – for me – I understand that my natural disposition is to want to be alone – and that is also my comfort zone. And because of that I have to push and will myself to get out there. And it does initially feel a bit uncomfortable meeting new people. People are complex, multi-dimensional, and have a variety of different experiences. Each new person is like getting reading a new book – it takes time and effort to get into it. You have to be attentive and focused – you have to ask questions – put yourself in their shoes and be willing to invest yourself.

One point that I have seen in myself is that I tend to view relationships only from my vantage point – meaning what I can GET from the relationship. That is very limited – however – that is how most people function. We look at what we are able to receive – and not at what we are able to give. This dynamic tends to limit not only others, as we hold unto our gifts and refuse to share them, but they also limit us, because we do not get develop the maturity of character, empathy, compassion and love, that is fostered when engage in giving unconditionally. Giving is undervalued. It is common to see giving similarly to how we perceive loss – and maybe from our individual standpoint – it is a loss. However – if we look at this world and the people in it as ONE unit – where we are only as good as the worst of us are – then it becomes obvious that each action we partake that impact the larger group positively – will also – in time impact us positively. Hence – when the group is strong – the individual is strong.

Relationships is what makes the world go around – and as for me – I can see that is important to engage with the world and its relationships in order to contribute to the whole and to the betterment of humanity. Those of us that have gifts, we need to find our forums, our contexts, our connections and give of ourselves without expecting anything in return. That is how we are going to put new principles and ideas into the world – by getting out there and living them together with others.


 

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Day 328: Desiring Success In A Unsuccessful World

Success, a word, that to most is imbued with feelings, hopes, desires, wants, jealousy, competition, greed and secrecy. Most of us, in some way or another strives to be successful. We have defined success as having money, having a nice house, having a fruitful career, having perfect children, a perfect spouse, an interesting life and many friends. We have thus defined the word very much in relation to our external reality, and, very much as a individual point of achievement. It is seldom that success is used in the context of nations, groups of people, collectives, or with the entire world as the recipient. Success, thus, in the modern western world is something we reach alone, that we hold unto, and that becomes our currency in the survival game that we play in the system of money.

I find it interesting that it is so easy to loose oneself in this game of success. Until I began my university studies I was well protected from this game. It is fascinating to look back at how I was back then. My decisions then were in many cases based on what would be suitable and effective for me as a person. For example, when I went into hobbies, or pursued interests, it was most of the times not done from within a starting point of wanting to impress anyone, or to achieve recognition, rather it was something I did for and as myself, because I enjoyed it. However, when I began my university studies, I got to see and get involved with the game of success more closely; a game that is played with what careers we have, how much money we are able to accumulate, who we know, where we live, and where we do not live. It is a game of competing with our achievements, where we try to become better, so that we can feel valuable.

Thus, to some extent, I lost myself in this game, because gradually it became more difficult for me to see what I wanted to do, and what direction that would be the best for me, and that is because, in each and every process of consideration, a fear was intersecting: ‘What if I will not be successful?’. And thus I would gravitate towards certain career paths, and lifestyles, that I knew were considered, by the greater mass, as desirable. However, in this, I lost touch with myself, and with what I saw as a future for myself – or – I became more acutely aware that my life direction was very much determined by the input of others and not so much a self-directed decision as to where I want to go and what I want to do with myself in this lifetime.

Hence, the solution is the redefine success – this word is obviously not limited to having a efficient career, having access to money, and being popular, it is much more. And within this, what should also be looked at is the question as to whether it is possible to lead a successful life, FOR REAL, when the majority of human beings live in conditions of squalor. Is it successful to have a fuck-load of money, and spend that on things that interest us, while people exist in dismay all around us? I would say it is a extremely limited form of successful, and rather a form of narcissism – where we only care about ourselves and cannot give the slightest of fucks about anyone else.

How should success be lived for it to be real? For success to be real, it must be lived in consideration of others, it cannot be this single, desire driven, inner momentum, where we ONLY care about our own achievements, and disregard what consequences that might create in the lives of others. Further, real success cannot be something that is only existent on a personal level, because there is as well, a interpersonal and a existential level to the word success – where we are able to bring through this word into living not only for ourselves, but for the we interact with on a daily basis, and for the world as a whole. Hence, success is a word with great potential, but that has become severely limited, due to how we have defined it in the context of how we FEEL and also created a form of success competition between each-other – instead of understanding that – on a personal level – we all have our individual points of success. For one, success might be to develop a deep and fulfilling intimacy with himself – for another – success might be to push himself to become as an efficient and capable athlete. We cannot label people according to a limited ‘one size fits all’ idea of success – as that will only cause us to compete with one another. Success on a personal level is always unique and that is something we must embrace.

In my next blog I will continue to expand on the word success and find a fitting redefinition.


Learn more about this way of living:

Day 324: Did I Do Something Wrong?

In this blog I am going work on the following mind pattern: Some days ago I faced a situation in which I thought that I was given a spare part to my tractor by a friend of mine. However, my friend clarified that he was not giving me the part but expected to get money in return. In that moment I felt embarrassed, and vulnerable, and thought to myself that I should have known! How could I have expected him to give me this part! Throughout the rest of that day I returned to this moment in my mind, and each time, what came up within me was this experience of embarrassment, ridicule, and feeling stupid. Several times I thought that my friend must think that I am an ass, that expected to get this part for free.

I am going to look at this pattern through asking myself four questions: How am I? What am I? Why am I? Who am I? – and through these questions walk the mind-pattern, and define a practical solution for myself that I can apply real-time.

How am I?
In the situation that I described above I felt nervous, tense, inferior, and vulnerable. I believed that the people around me thought badly of me, that they did not like me, and that they saw flaws in me. I was worried they were going to spot a weakness and use that to their advantage, speak about me behind my back. I judged myself because I did not have a casual and relaxed approach to my friend wanting money for the spare part.

What am I?
In the situation, I am not expressing myself to my fullest potential, rather I am standing as an example of a reaction, of holding back, and not accepting and allowing myself to live fully.

Why am I?
I am here on this earth to learn about myself, to see, understand and correct my patterns, and hence, this situation is an excellent opportunity for me to expand me insight and self-knowledge. I am here to live fully, and hence, I see, realize and understand, that this small moment, and my reaction within it, is insignificant in the large picture, and thus not something that I should make a big deal out of within myself.

Who am I?
To correct this pattern, I am to live self-acceptance and light-heartedness – allowing myself to NOT take things to seriously – allowing myself to not be right – to do something that is seen as socially unacceptable or bad – and still – accept and LOVE myself. Thus – the solution is to stand unconditional in my self-love – and to live that practically through STOPPING the judgments – and instead SMILING at the point – and accepting and allowing myself to let it go through relaxing myself with my body – relaxing my muscles and bringing myself back here.

Self-forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be too serious about how I am perceived by others, and judge myself when and as I perceive that others have created a negative judgment about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value what others think of me, and define myself according to how I believe others see me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not love myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a demand unto myself – that I am to be calm, stable and relaxed when it comes to money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people that I have perceived to be greedy or misers when it comes to money – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will judge me the same way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be judged as a miser

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving the impression that I am a miser – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over-compensate through being generous to the extent where I am compromising myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to have a good impression of me and like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to love me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek comfort, acceptance and value in others – and not trust myself – and stand by myself regardless of what might play out in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand by myself – but abandon myself when I perceive that others are against me – and then fight with myself – instead of accepting myself – and loving myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as flawed and inferior – and thus seek others approval in the belief that this will raise my value – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not love myself unconditionally – and understand that my value is constant HERE – that nobody outside of me can determine my value – because my value is HERE as me by the fact that I am here within and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for approval in others instead of approving myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace that I have a problem with money when it comes to giving and receiving – and that this is not something to judge – but instead something to understand – so that I can correct the point and develop a common sense – equal and one relationship with money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace my problems – the things I have to work on within myself – and understand that they are not bad – but simply weak spots that I require to understand and correct – and hence I commit myself to LOVE myself unconditionally – through NOT judging my weak points

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself judging myself, because I have reacted towards either giving, or receiving money, in fear, I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I do have problems with money – and this has got nothing to do with others – and the reactions I perceive they have towards this point is not relevant – what is important is that I understand my issue and move myself to direct – for myself – and thus I commit myself to UNDERSTAND my problem with money – to FOCUS on MYSELF – and to approach my issue within unconditional self-acceptance

I commit myself to be curious about my issues and investigate them unconditionally – to not judge – instead LEARN and UNDERSTAND

I commit myself to replace judgment with curiosity and interest towards learning more about myself and the issues I have – in this case with money


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Day 318: Insider or Outsider, Where Do You Want To Be?

Have you ever felt like an outsider? The word is usually used in the context of social interaction, the forming and shaping of groups, friendships, and other social structures – and it identifies the individuals that are not part of the social structure that has developed. In the dictionary, an outsider is, among other things, defined as a person who is not accepted by or who isolates themselves from society.

Looking at the emotional charge of the word, it has a definitive negative emotional connotation. Being an outsider is not something that is defined as a positive characteristic of a person, and hence, many of us, are very much fearful of excommunication, of bullying, and being pushed away from our current social setting, that is to say, from the group within which we have come to define ourselves. Existing within such a fear is a limitation, and hence it is clear that, for anyone feeling like an outsider, the solution is not to strive to become an insider, the solution is not to build your self-image, and self-value upon you being part of a group. For us to be self-reliant, self-confident, effective people with integrity to be able to stand for what we see is best for all, there cannot be any emotional dependency on a group of people.

Being an outsider is however not a solution, and what I have found in my own process of walking through and directing the ‘outsider-character’ is that it is also a mind-construct with a core point of fear. Here the fear is also that of being excommunicated and pushed out from the group, however the tactic is different. Instead of playing along with the game, and aiming to be accepted and loved by a group, the strategy is to never be part of a group to begin with, because then the fear of being rejected by a group will never materialize. It is a more cunning way of avoiding the hurtful experience of rejection, however, it is also severely limiting our potential as human beings to expand, form relationships and get to know people.

The solution is not to try and make ourselves friends with everyone, and the solution is not to become an outsider and push people away. What I have realized is that in order to transcend this polarity of either being an insider, or an outsider, we have to deal with the core issues – and that is in both cases – fear. For me, this fear has consisted out of the fear of rejection, fear of not being accepted, fear of not being liked and fear of not fitting in.

To deal with these fears, what I did was that I asked myself questions, such as the following: ‘Why do I fear rejection? Why do I fear not being accepted? Why do I fear not being liked and not fitting in?’ – and what came through here is that all of these fears relate back to me – and that I have not developed a sufficient self-standing, self-acceptance, and self-value. Because would I be able to fear rejection if I knew that regardless of what happened, I would always stand with and by myself and be fulfilled and whole in that? And would I fear not being liked or fitting in, if I would enjoy myself, and perfectly well, fit into my own life the way I see is best for all?

The answer to those questions is no – and as such we are able to learn a lot about ourselves through investigating how we feel around groups of people, how we interact, how we think and whether we decide to become an outsider or an insider. I have found that our emotional experiences is only ever a consequence of a misalignment in our relationship with ourselves, and should only be used as a guiding light to find the real underlying issues.

I have found that the most efficient way to direct these underlying issues, which are the real problem, is to LIVE WORDS. The process of living words is easy to understand and it is being thoroughly walked through at the School of Ultimate Living, which I suggest anyone interested in changing deep seated compromising habits and patterns to pay a visit to. Living Words basically means that we establish a word, with a definition, that effectively serves as a placeholder for a new expression we want to establish in our lives, and then we put that new expression into practice.

With me, I established that the word self-acceptance would assist and support me to change my experience of myself. I looked at how I could express this word in my day-to-day living – in this I saw that I regularly throughout my days – judged myself for how I interacted with people. I thought back on my interactions either defining them as ‘good’ or as ‘bad’. I defined a interaction as good when there was a flow to the conversation and a natural comfortableness between the other person and I. The interaction was defined as bad when there was a miscommunication, an emotion coming through, uncertainty coming to the surface, or some other external or internal event occurred that stopped the ‘flow’ in the moment.

Then I could see that an effective way of living self-acceptance would be to stop these assessments of myself and my social interactions with others – and to replace this assessment chatter with me accepting myself in the moment of interaction – and doing that through relaxing my body, feeling my breath, and bringing myself back HERE whenever I could see that this assessment chatter wanted to come up within me. Hence practically developing and LIVING self-acceptance – and through this process I have been able to change my experience of myself when it comes to groups – where I am not anymore as afraid of what people might think of me, and how well I fit in, or whether I am liked or not.

Living words is a efficient way of transcending the polarity of being an insider or outsider – and it places the focus back on self. Because it is not about whether we feel apart of the group or not, it is all a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves – and hence – all of our lives can be used as a support for us to get to know ourselves more intimately and establish new patterns and expressions that are best for all.


Other blogs on this topic:

Day 577 – Do I not belong?

437. What to Do when Feeling like an Outcast?

Outsiders – day 695

461: You Don’t Have to be an Outsider – Invite Yourself In

Day 1102: Stepping out of Your Comfort Zone

Day 148- Isolating Myself from Relationship’s

The Outsider – Day 511

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Day 270: Social Anxiety and Misunderstandings

Today at work I faced an interesting situation. A couple of my colleagues and I were talking about an upcoming event at the office. They were in a light and playful mood, and started to joke with me. I found it interesting that in this moment, I did not experience this light and playful mood as something enjoyable, and inviting – my reaction was instead that of fear/anxiety/insecurity.

The reaction was quite strong, and the physical sensation was the of my body tensing up, especially in my calves. And as the reaction came up within me, yet another fear arose from within, the fear of: What if my colleagues are seeing what I am experiencing? What if they will not see me as one of those easy going, flowing, and comfortable-to-be-around people?

Thus what happened was that a initial reaction of insecurity, got coupled with a reaction of fear, and this then snowballed, and I found it difficult to settle down, breath, and relax my human physical, which I do know is an effective solution, especially when emotional reactions come up. Instead of breathing, and settling down, I tried to be more ‘up-beat’ and ‘get more into’ the joking and playful mood, however, this simply did not work but instead exacerbated the reaction. This shows that what I resist, will persist, it is not possible to counter a experience with its opposite, as that will only cause more friction – hence – a effective solution is to slow down and move back into my human physical body – understanding that it is nothing ‘out there’ that is required to be corrected – instead it is my relationship with and as myself that must be corrected.

Hence, what I see that I am doing many times, and that causes me to miss a moment, is that I place my focus on how others are reacting/perceive/experience me. Though, when an reaction emerge within me, the focus must be who I am within and as myself – and that must be that point that is forgiven – the reaction coming up from within.

Another point that I see is the point of fitting in, the desire to fit in and be considered as one in the group – that is a fear that comes up when I have a reaction/experience towards another – because if another notice what I am going through – will they then consider/see me as being one in the group?

Hence the play-out today I see as being a mix of several programs – though the core point is the Fear of What Others Might Think Of ME, or Do, or Say to Me – that is the underlying experiences that fuels these reactions – and the self-interest that I am holding unto that currently cause me to have difficulty to move through this experience.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others might think of me, say, or do to me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interact with others in a state of apprehension/holding back – where I am in a state of interpretation, and caution, trying to be aware of how another interprets me so that I can change myself to fit their personal mind settings – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself around others to fit in – instead of accepting and allowing myself to be myself – to express myself naturally and comfortable – and not accept and allow myself to change myself to be liked by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others have to say about me, and fear that others are talking behind my back, and saying that I am strange, different, and an outcast – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuel this view of myself that I am strange – that I am not the same as others – and that I require/must fit in – change myself – and be like a chameleon – in order to not cause a raucous and make others notice me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when speaking/sharing myself with my colleagues at work – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in this slight state of tension – where I feel like I am on my toes constantly – trying to read another and how they are expressing themselves – so that I can immediately change to accommodate that change and make the situation positive/comfortable for another – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being myself – to fear living/standing within and as stability when I am with others – and hence not accept and allow myself to give into my mind and start to interact with others from within and as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to change/rearrange myself to fit the minds of others – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of constant anxiety – preparation – where I try to be prepared for another and the attack that they might make on me – and that I must be there to make the save as fast as possible and then put something back that is hopefully seen/considered within a state of positivity as being something good – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my natural playful and enjoyable expression through giving into fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that fear is really one of the main creators of separation – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that fear indicates self-interest – and the self-interest in my case would be to avoid conflict/friction – where I want everyone to like me so that I do not have to experience myself embarrassed and disliked by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is a point of self-interest to want and desire to be liked by everyone – to be positively considered by everyone – to have a ‘good’ relationship with everyone – and with ‘good’ meaning – that everyone knows me, likes me, and considers me to be fun and popular

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a female saying something about me that was meant as a critique, and me taking that personally, and becoming sad, and judging myself for showing this sadness to others, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a fear of such an event repeating – and me again having to experience myself as being sad, and personally attacked – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of fear towards being personally attacked and having others define me as a weak and inferior person that they can use as a target for their attacks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be desperate to be liked, desperate to have others see/experience me in a positive/comfortable light, where they see me as being one of their friends/comrades – that they like/enjoy to be with – and that they want to have a lot to do with – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this self-interest within me is enticing fear/anxiety – and that I am creating separation through holding unto this desire because I am not accepting and allowing myself to be genuine – self-honest and real in my participation with others

Self-commitment statements

When and as I am communicating/speaking/interacting with others, and I notice myself beginning to tense up, and experience a fear, anxiety, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I make the focus of that moment to be me relaxing, me breathing, and me sharing myself from my oneness connection and being self-honest, and genuine in my expression, and thus not try and attempt to be more than myself, or less – but simply be genuine and real in the moment

I commit myself to practice self-honest and genuine participation with others – where I place my attention on my physical body and expression – and make it a point to share myself from within and as my oneness connection – and be real with others – and here I see that I cannot be real with others unless I am grounded – physical and here

When and as I see myself tense up, and change, because I perceive that another is reacting towards, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this reaction within me cannot be solved by me trying to be like I believe that another wants me to be – but must be solved by me letting go of this angst – and allowing myself to be real – realizing that REAL is something that I am only able to live/express/stand as – when I breathe effectively and ground myself in my physical – and stop these experiences/thoughts that come up from within

Day 244: Revolt

In the adult world there are many traditions, habits and social niceties that just doesn’t make any sense. For example, if you’re invited to another, and they are offering dinner; you can’t start eating until they say it’s okay to start eating. Other strange points is that you’re not allowed to eat with the fork in your right hand, you can’t eat with your mouth open, you have to say thank you when you get something, etc. There are literally thousands of these rules, and as children, we’re mostly exempted from them. Then, as we come into our adult years, suddenly we’re supposed to follow these rules, and make them part of our lives.

My reaction towards these nonsense rules was firstly to ignore them, or follow them as little as possible. This works fine if you don’t have any intention of networking, or creating a relationship with a person in the system, it works fine when your focus is to live your own life, and not give a damn about others. Though the moment we make the decision to move out into the system, start creating relationships, and forming networks, we must follow these rules, because if we don’t follow them, the consequence is social exclusion. This is obviously not an optimum condition, though this is how it all works at the moment – to build relationships – you in most cases have to abide by the nonsense social norms that exists in almost all parts of our lives.

Today, I stand in a position, where I have to go into the system and build relationships, and due to that I’ve had to revise my relationship to social norms – I now see, realize and understand, that in order to have success in building relationships – I require to play the game. And here is the important point to ALWAYS remember – that the key in playing the game is to be IN this world but not OF this world. See, it’s a major difference – because when we’re IN this world but not OF this world – we don’t accept and allow the game to define who we are. We instead play the game, knowing that it’s a game, and that it’s not a point that changes who we are on the inside – instead we’re clear on our PURPOSE, our STARTING POINT, our DIRECTION, or WHY – we know what we do, and it’s not something that just happens because everyone else is doing it.

Thus lately, I’ve been practicing playing the game – and this has been difficult to me because I have a tendency to feel diminished, and limited when I follow these rules – as if my freedom of expression somehow is being diminished, and that I am being disempowered, because I can’t express myself as I usually do when I am alone. This sometimes leads me into attempting to revolt, where I create these small insurgencies, and break the rules, to feel free – though the problem here is that I then compromise the relationship that I was building with the person. Because I didn’t play the game as is expected, they might in some way react to me, which compromises my opportunities in terms of utilizing that particular relationship to move myself, and create my purpose, and direction in this world.

As such, for those out there still existing in a state of revolt, that do wish to have an impact in this world, and create a change for the many, I suggest that you let go of this revolt-character, and embrace the game – because realize that – in order to change the system, you have to walk into the system. You have to walk into the belly of the beast, and from there, stand as a living example, and in order to manage that – it’s required that you follow the basic social customs of the world system. And really, these rules, all that they can cause us, when we follow them, is that we’ll for a moment look silly, or do something that doesn’t make any sense – though after a split second or two – the moment will have passed and then we can again focus ourselves unto that which is important – to create a life that is best for all and utilize all resources in our lives to move that point of creation into fruition.

Day 218: Recognizing Myself

One emotional experience that have come up recently with more force and fervor has been that of looking at my life, my relationships and daily living – and then comparing this to the lives of others – and in that making a conclusion – that apparently my life is a failure – my life is not good enough – and I’ve not established or walked a sufficiently fulfilling life.

For some context in terms of how the point emerged within me. I was scrolling through Facebook, and then saw a post from an old friend – and decided to see what he’s been up to. I saw that he’d acquired a new job, and that he’d been left with many comments, where his former work colleagues shared with him how much he was going to be missed at his old job.

This then triggered the particular experience within me, where I had this image come up in my mind of my bedroom as I wake up in the morning, and then followed by backchat, that was charged with an energy of failure – thus these statements emerged where I was berating myself for not through my life having created more relationships with people where they would write similar things to me – as to how much they were going to miss me and feel sad that I couldn’t be a part of their lives anymore.

The energy that was triggered by the thought and the backchat was failure – and I felt like an underachiever. What I did in that moment was to slow down, and immediately apply self-forgiveness on the energy as well as the backchat – and this assisted and supported me to clear the experience and return to the stability of breathing and being here with my human physical body. Though because this experience was intense and it’s come up several times – I saw that it was required for me to investigate it more closely.

Now, in analyzing and picking a part this experience – I’m able to see that the origin of this point is a lack of self-acceptance – and the problem is that I’ve defined self-acceptance in a relationship to success – and success in association to attaining fame and popularity in the system – because hey – that is what I saw in the comments that where directed towards my friend – he seemed popular, liked and appreciated!

Obviously, the most burning of questions is why I don’t give that appreciation to myself – or rather HOW I don’t give that appreciation and acceptance to myself – because if I was appreciating and accepting myself – would I then experience this urge and want of having others seeing, recognizing and valuing me? No – I wouldn’t.

Thus – HOW am I not giving this to myself? The first thing I’m able to see is that I don’t accept and allow myself to recognize myself for what I actually HAVE DONE and ACCOMPLISHED in my life – because there are a few things I’ve done that took great effort and willpower – that I’m actually proud over when looking back. Though that is not something that I yet allow myself to really embrace – thus – the first point of self-correction and living application that I see I can implement in my process of correcting this point – is to accept and allow myself to recognize what I’ve done and accomplished – and in that allow myself to be proud over and satisfied with myself – and thus accept and allow that point of self-recognition and self-appreciation to come through instead of hoping that others are going to give it to me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself – and accept and allow myself to be proud over and satisfied with the points that I’ve accomplished in my life – that I’ve given effort into and walked to perfection – and that I’ve really had to push and will myself through resistances and limitations in order to create – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not appreciate my strengths, skills, aptitudes, talents and capabilities – and what I am in-fact effective and good at – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself for granted – and to compare myself with others and berate me for the weaknesses I have – instead of assisting and supporting myself to strengthen my strengths – to enhance those points in myself where I’m already effective and potent – and thus place my focus and attention on what I’m able to create in my life – instead of that which I perceive to be a problem and that I’m not able to walk

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never be satisfied and content with myself – even though I accomplish a great feat and really push myself to establish a particular point that do requires effort – to believe that I am not worthy of recognition, praise and acceptance – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy the behavior of my parents – living and creating a belief that I must never be satisfied with myself because that is apparently not something that I am accepted and allowed to give to myself – because apparently I am flawed and less than – and thus doomed to for an eternity walk in this life thirsting for acceptance yet never really ever finding a place of comfort for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the consequence of me at all times expecting more from myself – and not allowing myself to look back and see all the effective and cool points that I’ve manifested for myself – is that I am breaking myself down – instead of accepting and allowing myself to build myself – to through seeing what I’ve created and what I’ve been able to do – further push myself and become even more enthusiastic with regards to my self-creation process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the flawed starting point and premise that I’m apparently not worthy of self-acceptance, being proud over myself, and being satisfied with myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when always being discontent with myself and my efforts – I will be able to produce greater results – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that when I am berating and judging myself – I’m in-fact breaking myself down – making me less capable and driven – because I generate an emotional experience within me of feeling like a failure – that then draws all my attention – instead of me placing my focus, effort and attention upon me creating myself as life – building myself as life – and walking my life to get done and establish that which is required to be established

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself for having dedicated several years of my to myself with regards to walking this process of self-creation – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself for having soon completed a university education – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that in my life, and in that in myself which is effective, which is working – where I’m actually producing results that I should be satisfied with – because the results are actually very cool

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself for having walked through my resistances and pushed myself to progress in my Desteni I Process course – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this point for granted – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that it’s something I’ve actually walked with great effort and that I’ve invested a lot of will power into – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself credit for that which I’ve walked and established

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that only because I recognize myself – and see my achievements – that this doesn’t have to mean that I will become complacent and self-conceited – because obviously I can still push and will myself to create my life – yet when I recognize and actually accept and allow myself to see my progress – I create this natural drive and motivation to push myself – because I’m able to see the results – I’m able to see what I’m creating and what outflows and effects my creation have on myself and in the relationships in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself credit for having pushed myself to participate as a host in the Desteni Hangouts – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this point for granted as something that I simply should be doing – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s actually a commitment that I’ve made and that I’ve walked for quite some time – and that it’s been a point I’ve invested effort into and thus not something that just came to me easily – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize that point in my life and in myself as something that I walked and created that I can in-fact be proud over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and be hard on myself for having difficulties in creating networks and relationships with other people – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s unnecessary for me to go into this state of harshness and judgmental attitude – rather I commit myself to be forgiving – to accept myself as I am at the moment – and then from that starting point begin to push myself to become more effective in creating networks and relationships – not from a starting point of thinking that I am bad, wrong or unfitting in my current state – rather that I push myself from within and as a starting point of me wanting to expand and move myself beyond my limitations – because I enjoy it and find it fascinating – and because I’ve been able to do so with many other points in my life

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that a thought arise within me of me berating and judging myself, for me apparently having a boring, unsatisfactory, inferior lifestyle in comparison with others, in terms of being accepted, recognized and seen, being popular and having many relationships – I immediately stop myself – I take a breath and I bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and I see, realize and understand that this idea within me that I’m apparently a inferior human being isn’t aligned with reality – because there are many things in my life that I can be proud over, that I can give myself credit for, that I can be truly satisfied with – and thus I commit myself to recognize these aspects of my life – to give myself credit for what I’ve created and established – to give myself credit for my strengths, my skills, talents and aptitudes – and in that recognize, see and accept myself

When and as I see that I am berating and judging myself, for me not as I perceive others are able to do, creating relationships, networks, and doing these ‘fun’ ‘eventful’ and ‘interesting’ pastime activities with others – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that in approaching these weaknesses of mine from this starting point of judgment, I’m in-fact only breaking myself down, and placing even further away from moving into a solution – and thus I commit myself to accept myself as I am at this stage – and from this starting point of unconditional self-acceptance – move myself to change – to direct myself – and to create myself in those areas of my life where I see that I’m not very effective or potent – and that there is more to build and create – more things to explore, realize and live