Tag Archives: friendship

Day 318: Insider or Outsider, Where Do You Want To Be?

Have you ever felt like an outsider? The word is usually used in the context of social interaction, the forming and shaping of groups, friendships, and other social structures – and it identifies the individuals that are not part of the social structure that has developed. In the dictionary, an outsider is, among other things, defined as a person who is not accepted by or who isolates themselves from society.

Looking at the emotional charge of the word, it has a definitive negative emotional connotation. Being an outsider is not something that is defined as a positive characteristic of a person, and hence, many of us, are very much fearful of excommunication, of bullying, and being pushed away from our current social setting, that is to say, from the group within which we have come to define ourselves. Existing within such a fear is a limitation, and hence it is clear that, for anyone feeling like an outsider, the solution is not to strive to become an insider, the solution is not to build your self-image, and self-value upon you being part of a group. For us to be self-reliant, self-confident, effective people with integrity to be able to stand for what we see is best for all, there cannot be any emotional dependency on a group of people.

Being an outsider is however not a solution, and what I have found in my own process of walking through and directing the ‘outsider-character’ is that it is also a mind-construct with a core point of fear. Here the fear is also that of being excommunicated and pushed out from the group, however the tactic is different. Instead of playing along with the game, and aiming to be accepted and loved by a group, the strategy is to never be part of a group to begin with, because then the fear of being rejected by a group will never materialize. It is a more cunning way of avoiding the hurtful experience of rejection, however, it is also severely limiting our potential as human beings to expand, form relationships and get to know people.

The solution is not to try and make ourselves friends with everyone, and the solution is not to become an outsider and push people away. What I have realized is that in order to transcend this polarity of either being an insider, or an outsider, we have to deal with the core issues – and that is in both cases – fear. For me, this fear has consisted out of the fear of rejection, fear of not being accepted, fear of not being liked and fear of not fitting in.

To deal with these fears, what I did was that I asked myself questions, such as the following: ‘Why do I fear rejection? Why do I fear not being accepted? Why do I fear not being liked and not fitting in?’ – and what came through here is that all of these fears relate back to me – and that I have not developed a sufficient self-standing, self-acceptance, and self-value. Because would I be able to fear rejection if I knew that regardless of what happened, I would always stand with and by myself and be fulfilled and whole in that? And would I fear not being liked or fitting in, if I would enjoy myself, and perfectly well, fit into my own life the way I see is best for all?

The answer to those questions is no – and as such we are able to learn a lot about ourselves through investigating how we feel around groups of people, how we interact, how we think and whether we decide to become an outsider or an insider. I have found that our emotional experiences is only ever a consequence of a misalignment in our relationship with ourselves, and should only be used as a guiding light to find the real underlying issues.

I have found that the most efficient way to direct these underlying issues, which are the real problem, is to LIVE WORDS. The process of living words is easy to understand and it is being thoroughly walked through at the School of Ultimate Living, which I suggest anyone interested in changing deep seated compromising habits and patterns to pay a visit to. Living Words basically means that we establish a word, with a definition, that effectively serves as a placeholder for a new expression we want to establish in our lives, and then we put that new expression into practice.

With me, I established that the word self-acceptance would assist and support me to change my experience of myself. I looked at how I could express this word in my day-to-day living – in this I saw that I regularly throughout my days – judged myself for how I interacted with people. I thought back on my interactions either defining them as ‘good’ or as ‘bad’. I defined a interaction as good when there was a flow to the conversation and a natural comfortableness between the other person and I. The interaction was defined as bad when there was a miscommunication, an emotion coming through, uncertainty coming to the surface, or some other external or internal event occurred that stopped the ‘flow’ in the moment.

Then I could see that an effective way of living self-acceptance would be to stop these assessments of myself and my social interactions with others – and to replace this assessment chatter with me accepting myself in the moment of interaction – and doing that through relaxing my body, feeling my breath, and bringing myself back HERE whenever I could see that this assessment chatter wanted to come up within me. Hence practically developing and LIVING self-acceptance – and through this process I have been able to change my experience of myself when it comes to groups – where I am not anymore as afraid of what people might think of me, and how well I fit in, or whether I am liked or not.

Living words is a efficient way of transcending the polarity of being an insider or outsider – and it places the focus back on self. Because it is not about whether we feel apart of the group or not, it is all a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves – and hence – all of our lives can be used as a support for us to get to know ourselves more intimately and establish new patterns and expressions that are best for all.


Other blogs on this topic:

Day 577 – Do I not belong?

437. What to Do when Feeling like an Outcast?

Outsiders – day 695

461: You Don’t Have to be an Outsider – Invite Yourself In

Day 1102: Stepping out of Your Comfort Zone

Day 148- Isolating Myself from Relationship’s

The Outsider – Day 511

Learn more about this way of living:

Day 290: All-one or Lonely?

On a recurring basis I have an experience of feeling very lonely, misunderstood, and diminished, and this in relation to friends, acquaintances and other relatives. The core of the experience is that I think/believe that I do not fit in, and that I have done or said something wrong, which makes me lonely, and everyone else, a part of the family and social experience. Today I am going to look more closely at this experience.

The first thing I noticed as I brought this experience up within me is that it is a emotion (negative), and hence, there must be a feeling (positive) that I am also participating in. Fascinatingly enough, the positive side of this equation has not bothered me, because it feels good to be included, loved, and accepted. What I have not considered in those moments though is that to feel included, loved and accepted, I must also have, and participate in the other polarity, as no energetic polarity can exist with and by itself.

Hence, the first question, when have I throughout my last week felt included, loved and accepted? Well, I see that this happened as I communicated with a friend of mine, and after the talk, which I felt went really good, it was a deep, and intimate, I felt included, and accepted, as if I was an important part of my friends life. Then, some days later, as I was sitting with my friends again, they were all talking with each other, yet I had nothing to say, and so I sat back and observed them. I did not feel invited and tended to by them, and afterwards I started to feel lonely, misunderstood, and rejected. And there is the polarity.

Now, what is the core issue here? What is there core point that I am missing, and the word that is required to be redefined? From what I can see, one word that I require to redefine is Friendship – because that is basically were a lot of these experiences, both negative, and positive, arise from. The problem is that the word friendship is currently this positively charged word, which I have seen as the origin of such points as acceptance, and value – and hence because I have polarized the relationship with the word friendship it creates various energetic conflicts within me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for friendship, closeness, intimacy, and value in others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself as these words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for a role in the lives of others, where I feel that I am a part of something, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/define myself as being a part of life – as life – not seeing, realizing and understanding that I do not have to struggle, fight, and force myself in this life to be accepted – but that I can accept myself and stand as a part of life as life itself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to polarize the word relationship, and friendship, to exist within and as a positive polarity of feeling included, and a part of something, and a negative, of feeling lonely, pushed away and excluded – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself through living this word from within and as emotion and feelings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for intimacy, comfort and closeness with others, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the most important relationship in my life in which I require and have to establish intimacy, openness and comfort, which is with my own relationship with myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the word relationship and friendship as parts of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a drive to be accepted and to feel comfortable, a part of, and close to others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in pushing myself to exist in such a state, I am compromising and loosing myself, because I am not standing stable and firm within my purpose and direction in this life, and here I see that it is obvious that my purpose and direction in life is not to be accepted by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my integrity and my principles to be accepted by others – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view it as a superior success and completion when somebody seems to like me and they confer with me some of their bullshit – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself to have that in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to live the courage of walking my life with integrity and standing by my principles – where for example – I do not accept and allow myself to talk badly about others in order to be accepted – and I do not accept and allow myself to gossip or participate in gossip to feel included and accepted by a group of people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is easy to loose sight of what is important when in the world system, when in relationships, such as job relationships, and thus I commit myself to at all times keep an overview of things, keep a perspective, to see that my job and the relationships there are very specific in my life, and are not there to give me a feeling of closeness and intimacy, and that I am doing my work to survive, and pushing myself to be specific and walk my job description as effectively as possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when and as I accept and allow relationships to become my priority, then I loose perspective, then I loose sight on what is important, on what is relevant, and on my perspective on life – and thus I commit myself to stand with my perspective – seeing that I am walking this life to create what is best for all – to walk and create a purpose that I see is best for all – and in that I will stand with my integrity and principles – and I will not accept and allow myself to compromise myself to be liked and feel a part of something – as I will instead push myself to be effective, specific and disciplined in walking the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if I am going to live my life to be accepted by others and feel a part of the lives of others – then I am going to miss my life – I am going to miss myself – and I am going to become unfocused and loose my direction – as I am constantly looking at others – how others are moving – how others are thinking – what others are saying and not saying – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself – place the focus on ME – on where I am going – on what I am doing – and thus not accept and allow myself to loose myself and my direction through becoming all concerned with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the positive experiences of feeling included, feeling a part of something, feeling liked, and embraced, when I am participating with other people, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when and as I am participating in the positive, I am also creating the negative, thus creating the state of being of feeling excluded, inferior, pushed away and rejected – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to walk my life in stability – and fully express my potential – I must and require to stand alone – stand by myself – and not have this weakness in my of looking to others for safety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look in others for feeling safe and comfortable – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realizing and understand that I can stand as that point myself – and that I do not need and require someone else to be my safety and comfort – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself to have another like – so that I can feel they are my safety and comfort

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can develop that strength in me to be able to stand through all situations and stand alone – stand without anyone having my back – standing in this life – in this system – strong and stable – and not accepting and allowing anything to get to me – as I remain within and as breath and remain clear in my direction, my principles and my integrity – and remember/have an overview – as to why I am here and what I am doing in this lifetime

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into a state of feeling positive, included, liked, and embraced, as I am participating with others, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that when I am participating in the positive, I am equally creating the negative, thus, I am creating emotions for myself that I will have to walk through at a later stage – and thus I see, realize and understand that in order to fully stand stable in my life – I cannot accept and allow myself to remain within a positive state of feeling – thus I commit myself to participate with others in my life from a starting point and experience of stability – of silence – of standing with and as my human physical body here as breath

When and as I see myself going into a state of negativity, as feel rejected, pushed away and lonely, when or after I have participated with others, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this way of approaching relationships is not effective, as I am making my life about others, and being/feeling included, not about me walking this life, and standing with the purpose that I have given to myself, and what I want to build/create with and as my life – and thus I commit myself to stabilize myself – to remind myself of what is important – to keep my perspective and stand with my purpose as to what I am going to do in this life – so as to not loose myself in irrelevancies

Day 157: Its something wrong with me isn’t it?

Some days ago I listened an Eqafe interview about a man that died unexpectedly, yet very calmly and without any pain or discomfort. The point that hit home with me as I was listening to this Death Process Research was how this person throughout his life was in comparison to others, grounded into his physical body, and because of that experienced a relatively stable life – and he explained how this resulted in many human beings living more in their mind resisted him and approached him within a sense of inner conflict.

What this brought up within me was the point that when I see that someone in my world resists me, or have an emotional experience within themselves as they communicate or speak with me, that it’s not about ME necessarily, and that it’s not that I must change something about myself to soothe the situation, but that this particular moment can have many dimensions to it that I am not yet aware of – thus: My current approach, is that first look into myself to see if there is something that I am doing wrong, and I ask myself, why doesn’t this person like me? Why does this person become emotional around me? Is there something I am doing wrong? Is there something I should change about me? Why can’t everyone be as comfortable around me as they seem to be around person A?

Though, approaching a human-being that experience resistance, or a conflict within themselves, within these questions that I listed above, that is NOT effective, and it’s in-fact a form of insecurity and lack of self-confidence, because naturally, living self-confidence would imply that I would be stable, and the same regardless of what experience another human being approach me within and as.

Thus, I see that I require to practice this point further, to not attempt and try, and make it a goal within myself to assure that people like me, and to instead place my attention and focus on WHO I AM and what I accept and allow within and as me, and as such make certain within me that I am clear in every moment, and that I know WHO I AM, and that I know that the words I speak are what is best for all – because when that points stands – there is really nothing I am able to do to get another to like me, and there is really no point in getting another to like me if that implies me suppressing and compromising myself to fit in and present myself in a way that I hope will trigger within and as a another certain positive feelings of like and appreciation – it’s better that I instead use my time and my moments to approach people that I am more aligned with and that do not experience it as a drag to spend time with me. I mean, it’s fascinating to see how I’ve throughout my life, like a moth towards the light, been drawn to people that haven’t really aligned with me and my expression – and that I’ve due to that fought my way into friendship groups, and circles of trust – just to be accepted; While really – there has been people in my world that I’ve naturally aligned with, that have accepted me as who I am, and where I’ve been welcome – yet – those persons I’ve most of the time shut out as not being worthwhile and valuable enough to pursue a relationship with = which is ineffective.

The solution is obviously to align myself with people that I enjoy to communicate and express myself with, and where they enjoy doing the same with me, and not fight to get acceptance from someone that doesn’t seem to want in their life or world – that’s simply a waste of time.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see that someone is reacting emotionally or going into a resistance around me, to take it personally and believe that it’s something wrong with me, and that I require to change some part of me, and that I must push myself further to make sure that I am being accepted and recognized by this other person, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how obviously, it’s not something wrong with me, and that what makes another reacts, or go into resistance, is not something that I am able to control, and that I am not responsible for when I am certain that I am here, that I am clear, and that I am directive within and as myself as to what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that how I’ve spent much of my life, and my time here on earth attempting and trying to be accepted, and recognized by people that don’t want to recognize or accept me, and that I’ve thus attempted and try to fight myself into groups and circles of friendship, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself as who I am, and accept and allow myself to align myself with people in my world that I have and share a connection with and that I don’t have to fight or struggle to be accepted by – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my starting point as to why I interact with another, to be that of “I want to be accepted” – instead of accepting and allowing myself to instead make my starting point – that I am here – and that I express myself – and that I share myself – and that I stand responsible within and as myself as to what goes on within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become insecure about myself when I notice that another is reacting, or going into a resistance around me, and immediately believe that this is my fault, and that it’s because I can’t express myself properly and because I don’t fit in as I should, and I don’t express the way that I should, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s not about me, but that what goes in within another is their process, their mind, and their responsibility, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead give attention to me here within and as breath, as to what I will accept and allow, and place my focus on my expression, on my body, and on my breath, and on who I am here within and as every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become insecure about myself when and as I perceive that another doesn’t respond to me within like, and appreciation, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself, through becoming dependent upon others seeing, and experiencing themselves positive around me, for me to be stable in my expression, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not liking me, or for not being positive around me, and within this attempt and try to get them to like me, and to get them to be positive around me, in thinking that this is what I need and require for me to be stable, instead of accepting and allowing myself to stop all blame and to take full responsibility for who I am within and for what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow – and thus push myself to remain stable and consistent within and as my expression and movement of myself and as such make sure that I am not dependent upon someone else in my world for me to be natural, stable and consistent within who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that I must be accepted by everyone, recognized by everyone, and liked by everyone for me to be effective in my direction and movement in life, and for me to have effective and stable relationships – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is in-fact a self-limitation, and a state of self-sabotage, wherein I believe that I require someone else to change, before I change, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not view all persons and points in my world as self-support, and that when a emotion or feeling come up within me, that I utilize this moment as a moment of self-reflection, and seeing what programs still exists within me that I require to change and align into and as physical equality and oneness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept the fact that I can’t have everyone like me, and within this also realize, that the point is not that everyone should like me, or that everyone should be positive, and have an experience of friendship towards me, but that the point is instead that I make sure that I am stable, that I am here, that I am aligned into and as my human physical body and that I take responsibility for the points coming up within me, and that I align them into and as self-correction – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my life is a training ground, wherein I am facing all aspects of my mind, and that for each and every reaction coming up within me, there is an opportunity for me to get to know myself better, and to correct myself and push myself further to stand as physical stability and groundedness within and as every moment of breath

Self-commitments

I commit myself to practice self-confidence when and as I am moving myself throughout my life, through when and as I face situations wherein I perceive that another is resistant, or reacts towards me in a negative experience, that I don’t accept and allow this to influence my expression, but that I instead remain stable, silent, and grounded – and that I remain within and as breath and that I don’t go into insecurity and fear in wondering whether there is something wrong with me – and thus I commit myself to trust myself

I commit myself to stop attempting and trying, and searching to achieve acceptance from people in my world that I perceive to not like me, or not appreciate me, and I instead commit myself to place my focus and attention upon me, on who I am, and how I experience myself, and what I will accept and allow, and what I will not accept and allow – thus I commit myself to practice having my presence HERE with ME and my human physical body at all times – and not get sidestepped and begin looking at things from the perspective of how I believe others see or experience me