Tag Archives: frustration

Day 404: Learning From Mistakes

Today I had a situation at home where I reacted in irritation/frustration because I felt sidestepped and disregarded – while at the same time slightly jealous because I experienced it as if someone else for a moment stole my moment in the limelight. While still in a reaction, I shared this with the other person, which then caused a reaction in the other as well. Afterwards I justified my reaction, and how I had spoken it out loud by saying that it was a ‘common sense’ point and that it ‘needed’ to be said. However – I can now see that my point was not really that important – and even if it had been important – I could have shared my perspective in a more calm and supportive way.

The reaction in itself had built for a couple of moments, starting from backchat, where the main point was that of thinking about how the actions of another caused ‘inefficiencies’ in my life – and from there triggering irritation – leading up to saying within myself that ‘I must bring this point up with the other person’. And then when I finally spoke about the point, it did not at all come out as coherent, understandable or common sense – because what took precedence was my reaction – I felt irritated and side-stepped. And that is something I find to be a tell-sign of when I am in a reaction – the point I am making is not grounded in the physical – and hence everything I try to tell and share will be equally unclear and muffled.

After the situation I started to experience guilt and shame because of how I had expressed myself. I did not like to look at myself in the mirror, and recognize what I had done – I initially wanted to believe/think that I had some form of valid reason behind my action. However, this is not the case, there was no valid reason behind it. The reason was that I had made up and used as a justification to allow me to live out and express the reaction.

So – what can I learn from this?

Firstly – and this cannot be said too many times – do not follow my own inner chatter – do not believe my own inner chatter – do not make decisions according to my own inner chatter – instead – BREATHE – because it is in BREATHING that there is stability and common sense. Inner backchat does not have any standing when it comes to giving me clear and grounded perspectives and suggestions as to how I should move and deal with my reality.

Secondly – to not take side-stepping personally – to not react personally when I feel that someone is taking my spot, doing my thing, taking charge of my position – it does not define who I am – and I do not require to protect myself. Neither do I need to fight to retain and keep my standing – because what am I really trying to protect? What am I really trying to defend? Is it not all an illusion in-fact? Best thus to remind myself that what goes on out there – it does not define my inner reality unless I accept and allow it. Hence there is no need to push to keep my reality set in a specific way in the belief that I will lose value and worth if it changes. In this reality, things go up and down, sometimes I am praised, other times I replaced, and in other instances I will be erased – however – it DOES NOT define who I am – that is the point to remember.

And then when it comes to actually supporting others in my environment and myself – to share common sense in stability and not make it personally because that shifts me into emotion instead of sticking with practical physical movement and change in the moment.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I am not gaining confidence, when I am not placed in a position of leadership and importance, with regards to points that I feel I am the best equipped to handle – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my ability and opportunity to learn, to acquire new skills, to grow and move as a person in my life and with regards to what I do through failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional and feel the need to protect myself and my position, my stature and standing, believing that I can be toppled unless I fiercely and defiantly make sure to push away anyone coming close to taking me down – in this not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am paranoid, and that I am fighting against my own fears – and that there in-fact no reason for me to exist within this constant mode of fighting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to no care for the people in my life one and equal – to not consider them one and equal – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the presence of people in my life for granted – to see and treat them as props in ‘my life’ – not seeing, realizing and understanding how much I am able to learn from people in my life – and what relationships that I am able to developed if I push myself to be something more within myself – something more in the sense of actually being real, genuine and self-honest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being open and vulnerable – to fear investing myself in life and fully taking part in living life – fully taking part in getting to know people and letting them inside of myself in the sense of letting myself be receptive and open to new expressions, new insights, new information, new ways of doing things – and hence push myself to continuously expand and move

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really listen to or take people seriously – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really be HERE – to not really be in reality – but continuously be somewhere else in my mind – where I believe there is more to be found – however not seeing, realizing and understanding, that in spending time in my mind – I am separating myself from reality, from what is here, from the physical, and hence not allowing myself to get to know and be close to – and interact with and learn from PHYSICAL reality as it is HERE

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into a reaction fear towards other human beings, where I then want to enter a ‘isolation mode’ and push others away in order to feel more secure and safe within myself – I take a breath and bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I cannot transcend and walk through this fear by running away from it – and fact is that the only way I will get better at people and social relationships – and learn how to make myself within them REAL and learn how to live empathy, and how to appreciate and truly care for others, is by placing myself in situations with people – and thus I commit myself to enter into the dragon – to walk into the midst and learn to stand through exposing myself to that which I find is difficult and that is outside of my zone of comfort until I am comfortable and able to direct the point


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Day 256: Squabbling

a couple is squabbling with boxing mitsToday’s blog will be dedicated to looking more deeply into a word that I have run into in my daily living. This word is ‘squabbling’ and in the dictionary squabbling is defined as the following:

A noisy quarrel about something trivial: family squabbles.

Now, not too unexpectedly, this point has come up in relation to my partner, and the agreement we are walking together. What I have noticed in moments is that I will enter a ‘squabble-character’ – where I will latch unto some trivial point that my partner disagrees with, and then push that as ‘my point of view’. Most of the time that underlying drive within my decision is the desire to be right, and to ‘win’ – and sometimes it is that I want to experience that slightly tickling feeling of being in a light argument with another – the same type of tickling sensation that sometimes arise when you are teasing someone. And basically this tickling sensation would be the energy of superiority mixed together with some excitement, and some genuine playfulness.

Though, within living this point of squabbling, there are some obvious consequences: Firstly, sometimes the other person might simply not understand that I am ‘teasing’ him or her with a playful attitude – which can cause a reaction, and in the worst scenarios an explosion – thus walking into this squabbling-character is like playing with fire. Secondly, what is really the point of squabbling? Does it in anyway support, or build the relationship between two individuals? No, rather it’s the opposite – it’s instead a cesspool of conflict where oftentimes, things start out with a low voice, talking about things that are ‘funny’, to then escalate into more serious matters, and sensitive points, and then to become more or less a conflict, and a fight.

I have found that it is easy to fall into squabbling-mode, and then start talking, defending yourself, justifying, and excusing, because apparently, you have to ‘talk back’. But do I really have to talk back? Do I really have to make it known how I oppose a certain idea/opinion, and then try to prove to the other person how my idea/opinion is better than their idea/opinion? No – I don’t – really squabbling is a polarity game between two individuals where both try to convince each other that they are right, and better than the other. Hence, when one of those individuals makes the decision to stop – squabbling will be no more – because squabbling feeds on the back and forth motion of the argument.

I see that there are some very effective ways of stopping squabbling – one of these is to in the moment when I notice I want to speak from within this slight movement of an urge to prove a point, or show a point, that I stop myself, breathe, and realize that I will not miss out on anything by letting this urge go. I will not miss a part of myself if I am not able to convince this other person to think like me, no, I will be just the same, like before, though, more stable, and grounded, and being able to focus on things that are of more importance than trying to convince others that I am right.

Squabbling takes time, it doesn’t produce any visible results, and slowly eats away at relationships – it’s not something supportive and hence shouldn’t exist within me – thus the remainder of this blog I will dedicate to self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements to support me to walk through this mind-pattern.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate within and as a squabble character, where I am squabbling with another, and automatically disagreeing, or agreeing, from a starting point of wanting to win, and be right, and have another see things from my perspective, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to this squabbling-energy, and thus not see the consequences that I am creating through participating within, and being obsessed with this squabbling character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with squabbling, where I will talk back for the sake of talking back, and for the sake of that slight rush of energy that I feel when there is almost a conflict going on between two persons, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am limiting, and suppressing my real self-expression, my real beingness expression, because I am accepting and allowing myself to be intertwined, and sucked into this energy, where I don’t see the consequences of my actions, and the ripple effects of my words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change squabbling into stability, and communicating with a grounded stability here, where I do not accept and allow myself to squabble, but I instead remain stable, grounded, here – and have my words be a true representation of who I am as a being, and not represent a system of energy that comes up within me and demands my attention

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change squabbling into stability, and clear communication, where I as such do not accept and allow myself to voice myself, and speak from that slight urge, and desire to voice myself, and say something that I know will trigger, or set off another in some way, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am utilizing words deliberately to trigger another, to in that feel powerful, and strong, and justify this with thinking that it’s only teasing, not seeing, realizing and understanding that the underlying intent is not teasing, it is wanting to be in control, and wanting to win

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that another can’t allure me into squabbling, because it is always I that respond to a energy stimulant inside of me, and then I move myself on the basis of this stimulant, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I can change a moment, and a relationship with another, through not accepting and allowing myself to respond to that urge, and experience coming up within me, of feeling that I want to talk back, or say something that might potentially cause an experience within in another in someway or another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not a solution to talk back, because talking back implies reacting, it implies automatically and without awareness, immediately saying something to another, without considering the effect of the words, and without considering whether, or whether not I am able to stand with these words or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that a solution is to talk – to direct – to speak to another in clarity – to thus accept and allow myself to forgive any reaction that might come up, and any urge of going into squabbling-mode – so that I am able to speak and interact with another in a clarity and comfort – in a stability – where I know who I am and where I stand – and I know where my words come from – why I speak them – and what the purpose of my words are – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to be more disciplined and specific with my words and how I accept and allow myself to voice myself with another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify squabbling with thinking that it’s something I need to get out in the open, that I need to rinse the air, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s not a solution to ‘rinse’ the air, because in that I am not directing anything – I am only trying to get my experience out so that I can feel comfortable and good about myself – which is not taking the other person into account what-so-ever – but is only taking myself into account and how I want to feel better through unleashing my experience within me on another

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into a state of squabbling, where I experience a urge to talk, to talk back, to get my point across, and downplay another’s, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that through going into this state, and speaking in it, I am sabotaging my relationships with another, and I am suppressing my genuine, comfortable and grounded expression, thus holding myself back form in that moment communicating, and sharing solutions, and supportive ways to tackle, and direct my life and another’s – and thus I commit myself to change my communication to being stable, grounded, and clear – and use my words to assist and support and build solutions instead of creating energy through squabbling

When and as I see myself squabbling, or wanting to squabble, which is signified by the fact that I feel this urge, desire, and feeling of need to speak, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that squabbling doesn’t lead anywhere, and it doesn’t give me what I want to have, it doesn’t create cool relationships, and it will only bring, for a moment a exciting energy experience – nothing more – and thus I commit myself to instead value and place focus on the physical – on what I am doing HERE in this moment – in this breath – and how I can assist and support myself in this moment to create my life – my world – and my physical reality to be the best that it can be through the words I am speaking and the communication I am participating within

Day 230: Too Much Luggage

lotsofluggageAt my job as a taxi-driver I sometimes have to help people with lifting heavy baggage. This is most of the times relatively easy, as the great majority customers have only but a little luggage. Though some make out to be the anomaly, and accordingly they have more trunks, bags and suitcases that require to be stuffed into the luggage compartment of the car. Even though, the physical exertion required on my part to get their possessions into the car isn’t monstrous. It takes a little more effort.

The interesting thing, and this is the point I’m going to open up in this blog, is my mental experience towards the customers that require more service. Because, the moment I see a customer awaiting me with more luggage than usual, I will access an undercurrent of anger – and the access will be immediate. The anger I experience physically, I primarily feel it in my calves, as they tense up. My back muscles will also become tense, and I tend to slouch, and my facial expression becomes droopy and less animated.

So-far, my solution to this have been to smile, and then help the customer more eagerly than I would have done with a customer coming with a normal size luggage. Though, this doesn’t change the physical experience I have, which only goes away after a couple of minutes – and at times I can notice myself being in this tense state of irritation through the entire trip.

The problem I see here, as the origin point of this reaction, is that I feel that the customer is unjustly using me. I perceive that he or she is expecting me to perform a service out of the ordinary, and is just demanding me to do so without a second of hesitation. This is what triggers the irritation, that here this person comes into my life, expecting me to do a lot of work, expecting me to give a service, smile and drive them somewhere – which I perceive to be unfair, unjust and undue. If this experience within me would come out in an action, it would be that of saying to the customer: “You can load your baggage in the trunk yourself!”

This experience, and undercurrent is obviously limiting me. Because it is clear that in the reality of today, we have to do shit we do not necessarily like, or feel joyous about, because that is how we make a living and survive. Another point is that in resisting to assist and support another with their luggage, I am not accepting and allowing myself to look at what it is that I can learn from this part of my life. Here I am faced with a moment where I am due to the nature of my job, forced to give service to another human being – and notwithstanding that my job requires me to do this, what I could practice in these instances is generosity and giving unconditionally.

It is a cool skill to be able to give service to another without expecting anything in return, to go that extra mile without any hope for remuneration – the act of giving unconditionally – giving as I would like to receive. This is how I can transform these moments from resistance to expression. Where I instead of feeling forced, and reluctantly stepping out of me car to assist the customer, accepting and allowing myself to make the act of helping the customer an expression of myself – an expression of me unconditionally assisting and supporting another with their luggage – giving them the gift of transportation from position A to position B – and within that – not wanting/desiring to have anything in return.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to assist and support another without getting something back in return

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a undercurrent of anger when and as I notice that a customer has a lot of luggage that they require me to take care of, and within this feel as if the person in question is unjustly asking me to assist and support – and that I am not given enough in return to be able to give such a point to another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist giving unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist assisting and supporting another without getting something back – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep counts in my relationships – where I count how many things another have done for me, versus how many things that I’ve done for them – and through that calculation then within me determining whether it’s unjust that I give more or whether it’s okay

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist assisting and supporting another without receiving money in return – and go into a undercurrent of anger when another demand from me to assist them in a particular way that I perceive to be too much labor – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when another asks me to assist and support them – and instead of looking at whether this is something that I would have liked to be done for me – look at whether it is just and fair

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on concepts such as justice and fairness when I assess whether I am to assist and support another or not – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am in-fact limiting myself through looking at this point in energy and experience – believing that I require an equal amount of energy in return to give of myself as energy – instead of accepting and allowing myself to stand within my human physical body and give here as an expression of and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I stand as expression – there is not such thing as me having to receive energy in order to give – because I am expression naturally as myself – it comes through not because I believe I have to – but because it is me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the expression of generosity and giving – accepting and allowing myself to give service and assistance to another and understanding that this doesn’t diminish or compromise me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the situation of carrying luggage for another from within and as the starting point of me unconditionally assisting and support another and living that expression of generosity and helpfulness – giving as I’d like to receive – and thus see these instances as opportunities for me to practice and bring through this expression of and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when another demands of me to carry luggage and it is more luggage than average – that I am being robbed of my dignity and worth – and that this other person is being authoritarian and diminishing me through their behavior – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am in-fact limiting myself through believing that the stance and expression of another can change me – not realizing that I change myself on the basis of acceptance and allowance

Self-commitment statements

When and as I face a situation where I am asked to help, and I go into resistance, aversion, and irritation, because I perceive that it’s unfair and unjust that I should help them, and that they should do it themselves – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am in this moment limiting myself in energy, allowing myself to see the physical from an experience-perspective instead of looking at whether I can assist and support another, whether that is common sense in the moment and would benefit the other person, and whether it is something that is relevant for me to do in this moment, and that does not compromise me and who I am – thus making a physical assessment and making my decision on that basis – and as such I commit myself to assess the physical situation and then make the decision on the basis of what is best for all – giving as I would like to receive

Day 113: Impatience

dirty-dozen-impatience-300x294Impatience is the experience I am going to work with today. It came up as I was out with my partner driving. She’s currently practicing to get her driving license and I am her instructor.

We were driving on a road that was the main road and we were driving past a crossroads where the cars coming from the crossing road according to the traffic regulations had to wait for the cars coming on the main lane before they were allowed to cross the main road. I noticed that my partner wasn’t very sure about whether or whether not she had to wait, or whether the cars coming on the crossing road had to wait – and in that moment I noticed this boiling anger coming up within me.

I can see how this anger is coming from me becoming impatient, and I want something to happen, I want to something to occur the way I believe is absolutely clear that it should happen – I think it’s simple – it’s easy – it’s just to follow the rules and look at the signs – and in that moment I am not taking into account the background, the experience and the being that in this case was my partner.

This is a problem because in not considering where and who others are in events taking place in my world, I am not able to direct the situations effectively – I will not attentively listen and see what is happening, and not be receptive to what is here, but instead seclude myself in my own belief and idea of what should happen, and how it should be – which really is irrelevant because it doesn’t change what is in-fact here as a matter of fact.

I can within this as well see how this tendency of wanting my idea of things to take precedence over how things are in-fact is influencing other aspects of my world, wherein I’ve at times a tendency to enforce my view, enforce my perspective, and not within that see how it’s picked up and where others stand in regards to what it is that I am saying or doing.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become impatient with my world, and want my world to behave and be the way that I want it to be, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push for my world to be and behave the way I want it to be regardless of the response I receive – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and impatient when things do not go my way as how I want things to go instead of me pushing myself to remain here and stand in equality with my world – and be receptive to what is here – and walk with what is here instead of fighting what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become impatient when and as things do not work out as I’ve imagined that they would work out – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reason that things should just work out the way I’ve imagined that they should work out and unless they do so there is something wrong, there is something that isn’t aligned and the fault must be with someone or something out there – instead of bringing the point back to myself and realizing that the fault lies with my imagination and idea creation – and not with my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anger, irritation and frustration when I think that points move to slowly and not fast enough – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that everyone should be like me, should have the same experience, background and skills as me, should have the same mentality as me, should tackle events, integrate information, and learn as I do – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is not in-fact so – and that I can’t expect that everyone should be like – and that I can’t expect that everything will work out as it has worked out in my mind when I played out in my imagination

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be receptive and flexible – and accept and allow myself to work with what is here – to listen – to see – to be aware – and to change my direction and way of dealing with points when it is that I see that it isn’t working effectively; thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto my view of things – instead of accepting and allowing myself to open and realize that there are billions of other human beings on this planet that are not the same as me and that to work effectively with these people I require to take them into account in equality and oneness – and see them for what they are and not for what I want them to be – or believe that they should be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations and demands unto what is here in my direct reality – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I create such points within me – I will create the consequence for myself of becoming disappointed as well as frustrated – when points do not play out as I’ve hoped and desired for them to play out; thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution is not to create expectations and then attempt to force my world into those expectations – but to be with what is here in equality and oneness – and direct what is here within being receptive to what is here – seeing what works and what doesn’t work – seeing what is effective and what isn’t effective – and sticking with that which works

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my expectations, demands and ideas of what should be here aren’t valid – because what is here is what is here and it has nothing to do with what exists in my mind; thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to when I work with other people – when I work with reality – to let go of my mind – and to be direct – to interact without having the middle man of the mind be here as a mediator between me and reality – but that I stand equal and one with reality and I speak – direct and move myself without thinking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it’s not a solution to become impatient – impatience is not a physical tool with which I am able to direct and deal with my life – it’s only a reaction that comes up when I feel that something is not going the way I want to go; thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead apply patience – realizing that what is here is what is here – and to change what is requires time – consistency – effort and dedication; thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of impatience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the world existing in my mind, as expectations, ideas, beliefs, is not real – it’s not something I can use to shape and form the real world – it’s not something that I can use in order to interact with what is here – it’s really just a blockage existing in my head that disables me from being in direct relationship with and direct contact and interact with what is here; thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I become impatient – take a breath and let go of those obstacles in my mind unconditionally – and accept and allow myself to be fully here – with what is here – and not try to make what is here anything else but what it is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to direct my world and reality through the mind as separation – wherein I will lock myself into and as a belief or idea of how I want my world to be – or how I want my world to turn out – and then I will forcefully attempt to manifest that dream and hope without any regard for the actuality of my physical reality; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct my world in reality from a starting point of equality – standing with what is here – being receptive – being awarebeing awake – and seeing what is here and moving myself in alignment with what is physical and what is here – thus not being in conflict with what is here – but instead directing myself in equality and oneness with what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when something in my world doesn’t play out as how I’ve imagined or expected that it would – that the fault doesn’t lie with my physical reality – but the fault instead lies within me, with me creating a belief in my mind as to how my world should be, instead of me remaining with breath and walking with reality; thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath – and bring myself back here – and push myself to interact directly with the physical without having a idea between me and the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become impatient and angry when I feel that someone is not as fast I believe and think that they should, learning something, such as a new skill – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this expectation within me that people should just learn something immediately, that they should change, grow and expand immediately, and unless they do so after the very first time, then there is something wrong with them – instead of seeing, realizing and understand that the fault doesn’t lie with them – but that it lies within me – in that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in my mind instead of standing in equality and oneness with what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and impatient when and as I feel that someone isn’t understanding something as fast as I think and believe that they should, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this expectation that people should understand something fast and preferably after the first time that I’ve explained something – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take into account that I can’t simply expect that how I want things to be is how things really are – and that some beings simply learn slower than others and that it’s nothing I can do anything about

Self-commitments

When and as I see and notice that I am becoming angry and frustrated, and impatient, because someone is not understanding my instructions, or understanding something I’ve explained, and they are doing a mistake that they’ve already done before – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand how I can’t have these expectations within me in regards to how fast people should learn because reality doesn’t work according to my expectations; thus – I commit myself to work with what is here – and be patient – unconditional – and get to know what is here and not judge what is here

When and as I want to enforce a particular point, as something that I’ve had come up within me as a imagination, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this pattern is not effective in terms of me interacting and living in an effective way with my environment – because in enforcing something – I am only considering myself and not what is here and how my decisions and way of living affects and influence what is here; thus I commit myself to work with what is here in equality and oneness – and instead direct myself and my world through being receptive – and flexible – listening and being aware of others and not just going for my one thing regardless of what resistance I am facing from others

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Day 69: Leave Me Alone!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, irritated, and frustrated when and as I feel that I am being disturbed, and that I am not anymore able to focus my attention on what it is that I am doing; within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others as disturbing, and look at others as being the cause of my experience – and to not look within me at what thoughts I am accepting and allowing, and how it is that I am participating in this moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated, annoyed, and frustrated when and as I spend much time together with other human beings, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disturbed, to feel that others are intruding, to feel that I can’t get my peace of mind, to feel that I am being compromised in my presence because others simply do not move, and express themselves as I want and desire them to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire that others are to express, move, and direct themselves in my environment so that I don’t hear them, so that I don’t see them, thinking that this is a solution so that I won’t anymore experience myself as angry, and frustrated; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this is not a solution because I am not dealing with, and walking with the core point, and the core issue; which is that I am not being self-honest, and I am not pushing myself to walk through my mind and integrate, and align myself here fully and completely with and as the physical; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to walk through my irritations, and frustrations; too look specifically at what it is that triggers these points and then remove, and correct these through self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed, irritated and frustrated, when I am emerged in a particular activity, and then someone comes and calls for my attention; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am being disturbed and that I then have the right to become pissed off, and angry; because apparently this other person disturbed me, and this other person made it more difficult for me to focus, concentrate, and remain here with and as breath, and with and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think perceive, and believe that when I become angry because I feel disturbed, that this because of the point that I feel disturbed me, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that it’s not about the point that I feel disturbed me, but that it’s about me and my relationship towards focus, and concentration, and towards immersing myself in particular activities; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I immerse myself into points in my world, to do so without remaining aware and present here – but instead loose myself walk the point energetically instead of remaining here as breath – relaxed, comfortable, and present

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed, irritated, and frustrated when and as I wake up in the morning, and hold unto the belief that this is because I don’t like to be disturbed in the morning, I like to have it be peaceful around me, and to feel like I am able to relax, and that there is no point in my environment that calls for me attention; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated, and annoyed when and as there is a point arising in my world that requires direction, instead of realizing that I am able to move, and direct myself in this world – yet still remain stable, present, and relaxed; and that it’s not about what I do – but who I am within and as what I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be left alone when and as I wake up, and to remain in my isolation, and not have to face anyone, or deal with anyone, and to think that “this is just the way I am” – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding, that this is a particular mind-system that is obviously completely limiting me; because in holding unto this point I am making each morning out to be this difficult, hard, and strenuous point, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I am creating the point to be strenuous – I am making my morning difficult, I am making it though, and hard to be in my body; and as such I am able to assist and support myself to change my experience of myself in the morning so that I am not dependent upon energy to move and decide who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a different person in the morning than what I am during the rest of the day, and to feel that in the morning I must be left alone, and I must get my space, and I must able to do what I want to do, because apparently I need that to function properly, and to be able to make decisions, and move myself within and as this world; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise, and suppress myself as my natural expression – thinking, perceiving, and believing, that I need someone, or something else, to tell me who I am; such as energy – believing that I need energy to decide who I am in the morning; instead of accepting and allowing myself to stand up within and as myself – and decide to walk my mornings here in stability, as breath, and to not have to have a particular ritual in the morning for me to be stable and not become annoyed, irritated, and frustrated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain the same person through-out my day; and thus when I wake up in the morning remain here within and as stability of breath, and walk with and as stability of breath – and to not make the morning a uncomfortable, and difficult experience that I must fight myself through; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to insist upon trying, and wanting to make the morning a hard experience, something difficult – not seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am able to decide that the morning is not to be hard, and difficult, and thus change my living expression of myself – and support myself to remain stable, effective, and here as I wake up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as anger, and frustration in the morning when I am facing other people, and feel that I am being pushed, and invaded, and that I am loosing my sense of self, and my privacy; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the character, and personality of being a loner, as thinking and believing that I can’t retain myself, and keep my stability, unless I am completely alone and isolated in my world, unless I don’t have any other relationship in my world but the one with myself; and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand – that it’s not about what I do, or where I am; but who I am

When and as I see that I am going into anger, and frustration in the morning as I wake up, because I feel I have no privacy, and that I am not left alone as much as I desire and want; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here; and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t require and need to be isolated, and to be left alone, and to be alone in order to be stable, and effective, here, as I wake up in the morning – I just need ME and to make a decision as to WHO I AM; as such I commit myself to make the decision that I AM HERE as I wake up in the morning – and to simply apply myself within the same stability, and comfortableness that I walk throughout the rest of my day

When and as I see that I become angry, and frustrated because I feel that I am being disturbed, and uprooted from a particular project, or task that I’ve immersed myself into; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this point is obviously not supporting me – because in this reality I can’t expect to always be left alone, and thus becoming angry each time a event occurs that must be directed here, which means that I can’t remain immersed in a point, it’s not a very practical application to hold unto; as such I commit myself to breath – and to direct the situation that is here without becoming angry or frustrated – and within this allowing myself to immerse and get back out – within and as breath – effortlessly – here

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Day 64: Reactions Are My Friends

Lately I’ve been feeling some frustrations, and irritations, and this is because there has come up lots of new “material” so to speak, within me, that is here for me to work with. So, I am first going to share with you reading this blog, my perspective on reactions, and how I actually see discomfort, frustrations, and irritations, not as my enemies but as my friends.

So, first a little context: For some months me and my partner lived far away from each-other, and we didn’t have any direct physical contact, and then maybe a week ago we met together again in the physical and started to live with each other again. I mean, I find this place, to live close with another human being such a great place for me to face myself, because really, there is absolutely no way to run away from myself. Every little point that I hold unto will become accentuated, and it will come up in my face ready to be forgiven; and this is simply an outflow of being so close to another human being.

I mean, the general idea in society, and with human beings is that a relationship should be easy, flawless, and that any negative experience is apparently bad, and should be avoided like the pest. From my perspective this is a very limited understanding, because really, negative experiences, and especially those that come up frequently in relationships, they are simply great. Now, why do I say that?

Consider the following: what exists within you, and comes up within you, it doesn’t ever get into you so to speak, it’s not like somebody else come up to you and insert it, and say: “hey you, here you have this emotion” – no: if you observe yourself closely you will see that what you experience as negative emotions, and thoughts that come up within you, I mean they arise from within. The person that might be in your vicinity as this happens, they serve as the trigger point, they serve as the memory-activator; and as such – through their behavior, tonalities, word-usage, facial expressions, movements, decisions, eye movements, they will activate stuff within you that have been there for your entire life, and that was actually, for the most part, installed within you at a very early age – from 0 to 7 years.

etsy-is-a-haven-of-home-made-valentines-day-gifts-for-pets-warning-your-dog-might-hate-you-if-you-make-him-wear-this-18-snood-hatThus, this is why it’s such a gift to experience yourself as shit with people, and to face those really uncomfortable, and nasty experiences that come up inside: because that is YOU – the YOU you’ve tried to hide from your entire life: and this is why you’ve decided to avoid certain points in your life, certain people, contexts, and events – because they would serve as a trigger point that would force you to come face to face with yourself.

This is why I apply a simply principle in my life, and that is that I go where I face resistance, and discomfort: because what do I know? I know that these are the places where I will face the real me, the hidden, suppressed, and denied parts of myself, that I’ve forgotten and shoved into my unconscious mind to never have to be seen, or faced again: yet – in walking into this situations, or meeting particular people – here these experiences arise within me.

Thus – facing people, situations, and relationships that are difficult because they bring up difficult truths about yourself, that is the best place to be, because then you can through applying specific self-forgiveness, and walking specific self-corrective statements, correct and change yourself, and thus empower yourself to be able to stand untouchable, and unmovable in ALL contexts, situations, events, and with ALL people. That is real power – to be able to stand regardless of what comes your way.

As such I am grateful to be able to walk with my partner, and face the discomforts that arise from within, because through this I will be able to birth myself as life from the physical, in taking responsibility for what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become, and correct myself into and as living stability, assertiveness, and giving life to myself, as not allowing myself to change based upon external circumstances and the energies that these points trigger.

This is also why Desteni have suggested to not avoid, or run away from relationships; but to instead face who you are within them – because you’ll be able to learn a lot about yourself!

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to admit to myself that what I am facing in a relationship is not the other person, but it’s myself, as who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become, and how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create myself within myself, as not being in full directive control of myself as my mind, but instead being a slave to emotions, feelings, thoughts; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not utilize the point of a relationship in order to face myself in reality, and be open with myself, and to see how it is that I exist within me, too through this be able to take a stand within myself and change myself to not anymore be moved, directed, or limited by and through the mind as emotions, feelings, thoughts, and backchat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize, and understand that in living closely with another human being, I will face myself, and I will get to know all of myself, not only the fuzzy and soft parts of myself as feelings, but also the parts of myself that I don’t want to recognize, that I don’t want to see and that I’ve not directed but instead run from through my entire life; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here to breath, to stabilize myself, and direct myself to start walking my shit that comes up when I am in a relationship with another, to as such stabilize myself, and perfect myself to remain stable, calm, and directive in all situations, in all contexts, and with all people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the reason I’ve decided to run away from relationships in my life, is not because the relationships have been bad for me, but because I’ve not been willing to face myself intimately, and directly, within and as self-honesty within them, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to face, and walk into the points in my life, and reality that I resist; in realizing, and understanding that this is where I am going to face myself – that this is where I am going to find myself, and thus be able to see myself, and through that find the necessary points to release and change through self-forgiveness, and self-commitment statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner, to blame another for what I experience within me, for the thoughts that come up within me, for how I accept and allow myself to be controlled, directed, and ruled by and as emotions, and feelings – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that blame is the epitome of escaping from myself, it’s the epitome and absoluteness of not wanting to face what it is that I’ve become, and how it is that I’ve created myself within and as myself; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare myself to stop blaming, and to within this dare to see, face, and direct myself in self-honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that blame is a back-door – it’s a way to justify one’s own limitations and saying that: “it’s not me! It’s them! It can’t be me, I am a positive human being and I shouldn’t experience myself this way!” – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that the bitter truth, the reality is that whatever comes up within me – it’s ME and it’s MY responsibility, and that another only serves as a trigger point to bring up dysfunctional relationships within me that I’ve created through the first 21 years of my life, mostly during the first phase of 0-7 years – as such what I am facing is myself as my unconscious mind, as that which I don’t want to admit to myself, as that which I’ve forgotten and suppressed, but that I did in-fact create as I came of age in this world, and grew up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that escaping from relationships is not a solution, because the problem is not the relationship, the problem is ME, as how I’ve designed myself through-out my life, and thus the solution is to direct, change, and move me to stand as self-perfection, as what is best for all – and not accepting and allowing myself to become unstable, to become emotional, to become possessed by and as various thought-patterns, various emotional patterns, memories, backchat, and other mind-based points that arise from within; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that being in a relationship is a perfect vantage point from which to face the mind – because here I will see myself as who I in-fact exist within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the reason as to why relationships do not become a point of support in human beings life’s, but instead a point of limitation, is because of blame, and is because neither partner want to take responsibility for their pre-programmed designs; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as the change, and stand as the point that ends this circle of limitation, to as such not accept and allow anymore limitation, anymore inferiority, any more blame – but to stand and direct my mind in realizing that the mind is my creation and thus it’s my responsibility to direct, and move the mind within and as oneness and equality HERE

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into blaming, and thinking that another creates what emerge within me, and that I am thus helpless to change, and direct, and move what goes on within me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that what I am facing in a relationship is always MYSELF and that this facing is brutal, it’s direct, it’s though, and as such the only way to walk it through is to be equally though, equally direct, and equally to the point, being brutally self-honest with myself and in-fact forgiving myself for what I’ve created within myself as self-limitation; as such I commit myself to change myself, and utilize the relationship as a self-support to discover, and reveal all parts of myself – and take responsibility for all of myself

When and as I see that I want to hide from myself as what I am facing within, through focusing on what another is doing, through trying to in my mind think that what I face is another’s fault, and that it apparently can’t be me because I don’t experience myself like this when I am alone, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize, and understand that what I face with another is always myself, and the reason why I don’t face it when I am alone, is because I’ve created layers, upon layers of protective shells, and made certain that I will not awake the beast within, but that I will remain secluded in my conscious mind and not have to experience anything of the reality of myself as what I’ve accumulated as myself during my lifetime; as such I commit myself to stop this pattern of running away and instead face myself directly, take responsibility for myself and stop blame – and realize that it’s a gift to react because it shows me who I am and opens up the opportunity for self-forgiveness, and self-directed change.

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Seeing A Moment From More Than One Perspective

Some days ago I had a fascinating realization and it came to be as I was sitting with my class at a seminar. We we’re going through some details of our most current assignment, details that I had already come to understand and know – though many of my classmates didn’t hold the same understanding as me, and as such many kept asking teacher questions.

At this point the teacher started to become strained as the seminar was coming to it’s end, and there was still more points to cover, than this particular point that we’re a place of uncertainty to many of my classmates.

And in this moment I noted with myself that I started to twist and turn in my chair, I started to look at the clock behind me, and I thoughts of frustration come up within – as for example: “why can’t they see we don’t have time for these questions!” – “Why is everyone here unable to understand this simple information?” – “Can’t everyone see that the teacher is strained and that we must move one?!”

As I noticed this behavior that existed both in thought, as emotion, and as my physically becoming restless, looking at the clock behind me every one minute – I realized and understood that I wasn’t in-fact considering or seeing the experience and starting point of my classmates.

I didn’t accept and allow myself to see that to them their questions were important and needed, as they didn’t in-fact have the same understand of the point as I did, and as such they needed and required to ask these questions in order to clarify to themselves what the details of the assignment were.

And in that moment I stopped myself from existing as an experience of judgment and frustration and I brought myself back to this physical reality – and I simply let myself let go of the tenseness, and the restlessness – and I listened to the questions of my classmates; understanding that I would have asked the same questions if I didn’t have the understanding of the assignment as I currently did.

As well realizing that if I didn’t have the understanding of the assignment that I currently did – I would like to be given the time to ask sufficient with questions to make the point clear to myself, without having others becoming angry, frustrated, and irritable that “I used up to much time”. And as such this is what I applied myself as that which I would like to receive – I stopped me from existing as irritable and I gave to another that which I would to receive myself.

To apply and move oneself as this principle of giving to another as you would like to receive is stuff of simplicity – yet it holds the key to heaven on earth – as this is the simple realization we’ve all missed that has brought hell to earth instead.

Thus – walk with me – change yourself in moments where you see that you don’t consider why, where and how others are – and live in a way as how you would like others to live towards you.