Tag Archives: genuine

Day 412: Forcefully Happy

Once every week I go to swim with my daughter together with other parents. We meet up, sing songs, swim together, and the kids learn to become comfortable with water. All in all, it is supportive and my daughter enjoys it. During these moments I made some interesting observations of parent-child relationships. One thing I see in many parents is the tendency to want to present themselves to their children as happy, positive and slightly mentally diminished. It takes on the form of constant smiling, laughing, talking with high pitched sounds, asking the children questions that we already know the answer to, and in general, behaving towards the children as if both themselves and the children have a limited capability to understand their reality.

I have asked myself, why is it that we believe we need to behave this way when we are with children? Why cannot we be natural, the way we behave with adults?

When I look at myself, and why I sometimes behave in the above mentioned way, I would say it has to do with a sense of inferiority – a belief that I am not good enough as I am – and that if my child is to have a good time – then I have to step up and be this super happy, smiling, laughing, clown type of person. I can also see that there is a belief within me that children are not able to appreciate a sensible, deep and grounded expression – and that they need some speed and energy to get going.

What I have come to realize by getting to know my daughter is that she is a real person – and that even though she does not look like an adult – she is able to perceive and interact with reality with the same depth as an adult. And just like any adult – it is not fair towards her to put up an act and try to be someone that I am not – further – it is not fair to myself. Because how can I create a real and fulfilling relationship with my daughter if I do not allow myself to be genuine? Children might look cute, and they might say things that are innocent and funny – though the depth of their experiences are the same as for us adults. And only because we have a different perspective, a broader view of life – does not make it less real, and it does not make us more than them. We are equals – yet we have different allocation points – and that is important to remember. Because it seems as if many parents forget this and act as if their children are stupid and their experiences are of less weight than that of our own.

What is the solution?

What helps me is to remember that my daughter is equal to me – and that I do not need to pretend to be someone else. I understand that even though she is smaller than me, and I have learned to master the areas of life where she is still learning, that does not make me superior – and in order to bond with her – I have to be genuine and take her seriously. I remind myself that it is not my place to teach, or show her some perfect example of what she is supposed to be later on, I am in her life to be a support, a guide and someone she can rely on – and to do that effectively – I have to stand as her equal. In practice – I push myself to speak with my normal, grounded voice – and I use adult words. I approach her experiences as real – and thus I take note of her and make sure that I communicate with her to find solutions – and I do not force my way only because I perceive I see what is the ‘right’ way.


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Day 274: Getting Out Into The System

office-partyIn my process of birthing myself as life from the physical I have had the tendency of isolating myself from the rest of the world. I have always thoroughly enjoyed my own company, and the process of writing, and applying self-forgiveness, and designing self-corrective statements have never been any hurdles to me. Hence, if given the choice of for example going to some type of festivity or being at home with myself – without exceptions I have opted for the latter. This has its pros and cons. The pro is that I have developed a deep and intimate relationship with myself, because I have spent so much time investigating myself. The con is that because I do not get out very often, I have not had the feedback/stimuli of the system in my daily living to measure where I am in my process and where I still need to put down more time and effort to change.

So, yesterday I was part of a festive occasion. Many people, alcohol, food, and all of those things we tend to associate with festivities was present. Now, the one thing I noticed about myself at this festivity was that I was not comfortable in speaking and interacting to others when it came to these ‘social’ and supposedly ‘fun’ and ‘witty’ conversations. I am not sure whether you, the reader, can relate, but what I am trying to describe is those interactions were the two participants are ‘supposed’ to be in a light, playful, and witty mode, and have some form bantering. On the television we can find this type of witty banter in for example talk shows.

However, I am not comfortable with these witty banters, and actually, I am not very comfortable with the entire scenario of ‘forced socialization’ that occurs at parties. I tend to become anxious, nervous, and held back in my expression – and as far as I can see – the reason for this is because I do not trust myself. Instead of me allowing myself to be me, I am trying to be someone/something that I believe is fitting to occasion of a ‘festivity’ – for example: A funny and enjoyable person.

It was very interesting to observe my reactions towards others at this party. And in particular this experience within me that I did not feel as if I was ‘funny enough’ or ‘social enough’ or ‘into the atmosphere’ enough. And when I spoke to people, a recurring thought within me was: ‘Wow, they must probably think that I am boring to be around’. This shows my current relationship with festivities and social interactions – I believe that I must be something – that I must play a part and that I am not enough by myself. Because if I would have been relaxed, and at ease with myself – ACCEPTING MYSELF UNCONDITIONALLY – there would not have been any nervousness or anxiety. Instead I would have walked into the environment, clear on who I am and where I am standing, clear on the point that I define who I am.

What I see as a solution to this experience of me holding myself back, becoming stiff, and stale around others, is for me to practice self-acceptance – and self-acceptance in this instance would be for me to remain with breath and accept and allow my genuine natural expression to come through. Thus, not try to emulate anything more or less – not try to hide parts of myself, or reinforce others, not try to make a show – instead breathing – being relaxed in my body – and interacting naturally – and within this being at peace with the fact that others might not define/see me as funny or enjoyable to be with. But – why should I accept and allow that to bother me? If I am accepting myself, if I am fulfilling myself, if I am standing with myself, there nothing amiss regardless of how my environment responds.

The solution hence: SELF-ACCEPTANCE – SELF-LOVE – and LIVING these words through bringing myself back myself here when I am approaching a social situation – making sure that I stand stable within myself and that my starting point is here – with and as my human physical body – that I feel my breath – that I feel the tips of my toes – that I feel the tips of my fingers – that I make sure my back is straight and that I am not slouching – that I am physically HERE in the way I present my physical body – Living the statement that – THIS IS WHO I AM – I AM HERE.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to emulate an expression of being enjoyable, or fun to be with, when speaking with others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to fit in, and be normal, and express myself as others would expect me to, when it comes to witty bantering, and being part of social circumstances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to emulate an expression of me being normal and fitting in – and thus within this tighten myself – go into a experience of pressure and strictness/control within myself – where I try to read the situation and put forth a face that I hope others will accept – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am not accepting and allowing myself to be stable within – and live self-acceptance – live self-love – and bring through that point into reality through not accepting and allowing myself to try to be as I think that others want me to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be like I believe others want me to be – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being myself in fear that others are not going to accept me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being accepted by others – believing that if others do not accept me this will put my survival at risk in this world – and this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my survival to others accepting me – instead of understanding that survival and me directing this point is not so much about acceptance from others – as it is about me standing disciplined and committed in relation to the points in my world that are the source of income for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being accepted by others – believing that others acceptance of me is vital for my survival – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise and suppress my genuine natural self-expression to be accepted by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel worthless, and filled with emotions of sadness, and disgust, when I believe that someone is not accepting me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value these emotions and believe that they are signifying something real – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that emotions are merely energy – that I have built up through participating in a polarity of feeling/emotion – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead bring myself back to and as my human physical body – and push myself to have that be my starting point of self-creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself around others to fit in – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted my natural genuine self-expression – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that there is something wrong with the way I am naturally – and believe that I am not sufficiently expressive and warm with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself around others in fear of being rejected – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define rejection within and as emotional experiences – instead of understanding that rejection is simply a physical pushing away – and does not mean that I am less than – or worthless – or that I require to judge myself in someway or another – hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself and believe that I am not right the way I am naturally and in my genuine self-expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is appropriate and normal to change myself around others and to have several faces towards the world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my shape shifting personality through thinking that the way I am naturally will never be accepted – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is not about being accepted – but about me accepting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not about being accepted by others – but that it is about me accepting and recognizing myself – me allowing my genuine and real expression to come through – me trusting myself and not accepting and allowing myself to loose balance and touch with myself when I visit festivities and when I am out in the system moving around

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others in system – and believe that I need/should be like them – and have the same personal relationships – the same type of social interaction – and be similar to others – and think that there is something wrong with me when I am not living/participating as others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is not necessarily something wrong with me – that it could instead be – simply that I am not the same as others – that I do not work in the same way – that I do not function in the same way – and thus that my express and living is not the same as what others expression/living is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tense up when interacting with others in the form of witty bantering – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am tensing up – because I do not know how to be – how to behave – what to express – what to show around another to ‘fit in’ – and this is the problem – that I am trying to ‘fit in’ – instead of me accepting and allowing myself to be natural and genuine – to be myself and not try to be something more than myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I do not have to be this social machine of perfection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation within me that I should be able to fit in with people – that I should be able to create a funny, comfortable social situation – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not necessarily so all the time – that sometimes I might not have anything in common with another – and thus there is nothing to talk about really – and – that is completely okay – I do not have to force points – I do not have to force a social comfortableness – it is okay that things are at times systematic and not in anyway personal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to force a social feeling of belonging to my work environment – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my work to become more than my work – to want my relationships with colleagues to be more than practical and systematic relationships – and believe that there is something bad with designing and planning my relationships to be systematic and practical – and within this I see, realize and understand that there is no such problem – that sometimes a relationship can only come to its fullest potential when the relationship is practical and systematic – and there is no personal shit involved – it is all about the context of that particular relationship – where in the context of work – the fullest potential of a relationship would be to as effectively as possible complete the work with the utmost quality possible

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a pressure and state of anxiety, and strictness within myself, when communicating or interacting with people in my world, I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back to my body here, and I see, realize and understand that I am in this moment trying to force myself into a particular expression/picture – and that I am not accepting and allowing myself to be genuine, natural and real – and to express myself comfortably within my body – and thus I commit myself to take a deep breath in – to relax my muscles – relax my body – to let go – and to accept and allow myself to respond naturally and genuinely I that moment – not trying to force or emulate – but simply sharing myself here

When and as I see myself go into a physical state of being tense, when communicating and speaking with another, or being in some social gathering, or festivity, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am in this moment not accepting and allowing myself to naturally flow in my expression, but that I am trying to be something that I am not, I am trying to show myself as something that I am not, I am trying to be a person, and something or others, to be accepted – and thus I commit myself to relax my muscles – to place my attention and focus on my breath and breathe myself back into my physical body – and state within myself that – I accept myself – I love myself – I accept and allow myself to stand and move in this moment – being genuine and real

Day 271: Children and Social Anxiety

Today I met a child at work. Sometimes I find myself reacting in fear/anxiety when I am faced with a child, and this was one of those times. The core fear within all of this is that the child will ‘see through’ my façade and then say something that will penetrate deeply into my very being, and upset me; basically thus, a fear of being exposed as having some form of weakness, and being bullied/attacked because of this weakness.

This fear is similar to the fear I opened up in yesterday’s blog about social anxiety and misunderstandings. The similarity lies in how both these fears comes from an interest of wanting to be liked, and a general fear of people – and what people will think about me. What I am able to see at the moment is that this fear is very limiting, and that, there is absolutely not reason for it to exist within me. Why should I be afraid of being exposed as having an emotional reaction? Why would it be a weakness to have an emotional reaction? Why should I be afraid of being teased/attacked/bullied because I have an experience come up within me in a moment? It simply makes – NO SENSE.

The question can be asked, why is it that I care so much about others and how they see me? The only answer I have to this question is because I do not value myself – somehow I have created a belief within me that I do not matter unless others say I matter – and that my self-definitions is something that must/should be controlled by others. This is not true, because why should I have less worth and value than anyone else in my world? Why is it so that I should be singled out as being of a lesser grade and sort than my peers? It is all mind illusions – fiction – created because I believe that the emotions coming up in my body are real and indicative of WHO I AM in-fact – while – it is only what I have accepted and allowed to be me – I can change – I can decide how I want to live and who I want to be.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fearful of being exposed by children as having some form of reaction, or experience, and being taunted, or judged by another as being weak – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of fear of showing anything that might resemble a weakness to others – in fear that they are going to expose it and use it to bully me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is what I have done in my youth, utilized the weaknesses I saw in others to bully them and gain an advantage – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, bring myself back here, and see, realize and understand that I will not accept and allow myself to do that again – because I see, realize and understand that it is not acceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hide around others because I fear being exposed as being useless and worthless – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold in experiences of emotions – and to suppress them and hold them back – and try to control them – in fear of anyone seeing them – instead of me embracing them and accepting and allowing myself to forgive them unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution is not to suppress – the solution is to forgive – the solution is to let go and to accept and allow myself to flow – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath as an emotion comes up within me – not try to fight it – but instead embrace it – and then direct it – and I see, realize and understand that what I resist will persist – and thus I cannot reach any effective conclusion within myself through and as fear/resistance/anxiety/worry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold it against myself that I react in fear when interacting with children, or other people in my life, such as colleagues, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it does not make any sense that I should exist within such a state of resentment and judgment towards myself – because it doesn’t help in anyway – what would help would be me taking a breath – and me accepting and allowing myself to get to know the experience – to recognize that the experience exists within me and that I now have to deal with the experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself – to fear being intimate with myself – to fear seeing into myself – to fear seeing what I experience and getting to know it – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be short with myself – and to not fully investigate and go deeply into myself when and as I am facing a new point within myself – and I see, realize and understand that in order to be able to transcend what is going on within me – I do require to get to know it and I do require to recognize it – and I do require to understand it – so hence – I commit myself to stop judging my experiences, and myself for having them, and I commit myself to stop suppressing them, and instead get to know my experiences

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a fear, or some other undefined experience, and I go into a resistance/fear/anxiety and hide/suppress myself/the experience – I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that in order to transcend this experience, I must understand it, I must recognize it, I must see it for what it is, and I must allow myself go into it – and thus I commit myself to embrace my experiences – to get to know them – and from that vantage point – move myself to transcend them – and be/remain unconditional in this decision to transcend my experiences

I commit myself to remain/stand/walk into the depths of myself without judgment – and to understand how I exist – and not judge – resist – suppress parts of myself because I believe that they indicate weaknesses – that then apparently are bad

I commit myself to when I am around children, or others for that matter, to practice being open, genuine and intimate with others, to practice standing and showing myself, and who I am here, to slightly move my chest forward, and my shoulders back, to stand with a straight back, to recognize what comes up within me, to investigate it, and become comfortable with being uncomfortable, and to not anymore try to hide myself from others in the fear that others are going to judge me

I commit myself to be open with what is going on within myself and stand fearless, with courage, to be intimate with myself – to get to know myself – and to as such – not anymore fear judgment from myself or others – because I stand with and as myself and do not anymore accept and allow myself to fear sharing/experiencing/seeing who and what I am

186: What Is Normal?

Yesterday I listened to an interview called “Lost Your True Self – Life Review” – and it covered the topic of how we tend to suppress our real and genuine expressions – and instead present ourselves to the world as something we believe to be accepted and normal in the eyes of others. In this particular instance – the person had been quelled through defining herself only in relation to her exterior representation – her picture presentation – thinking that this is ALL of what and who she is.

I could relate to this interview on many levels – primarily the point of defining myself in relation to my physical exterior – but also the point of not allowing my genuine and real expression to come through because I fear that this expression might not be accepted or considered normal by my immediate surroundings. It’s interesting to note that we seldom ask ourselves where we’ve gotten this idea of ‘normal’ from – what is really normal? Many times we define normal according to what our friends share with us, or what we see on television, or hear in music – and almost never do we dare to ask ourselves – what WE consider and can accept to be normal.

Because the only way to live normalcy in self-honesty – is to ask ourselves who and how we are as normal – what is our normal, genuine and real expression? That is something that we’re only able to establish for ourselves when we allow ourselves to look within and see/be intimate with ourselves. We must also take into account that what is currently being professed as ‘normal’ in this world can’t be trusted ­– why? Because it’s historically lead us down some severely compromising paths – simply because we accepted various human traits as ‘normal’ – for example that: “War is a human condition” – obviously it’s not a “human-condition” – it’s something that we decide for ourselves and something we do – a condition is something that we have no control and direction over and is something that ‘just happens’ – while war is something we make a decision to do and then act upon it – and it’s seen as acceptable in the main-stream of consciousness because it’s ‘normal’.

What I see is that we have a responsibility to re-define normal – and bring into existence a new normal – to bring the ‘normal’ of living up to standards – realizing that the only acceptable ‘normal’ way of living is where we honor ourselves and each-other – through for example: learning to think critically and question the various accepted assumptions that exist in this world about how we should exist and how we shouldn’t exist – most of the times when we question a generally accepted presumption – we’re able to find that it has no basis in reality – it’s just an idea. For example: “It’s human nature to be greedy” – is it really? Or could it be that the human is indoctrinated into greed? Could it be that greed is learned and not a condition?

Obviously – we must answer these questions ourselves – because one thing’s for sure – we can’t trust the ‘normal’ that is put out there in the world and that is broadcasted as a truth.