Tag Archives: gift

Day 404: Being Present In The Simple Things

One point I have worked with a lot since being on parental leave is being present with my child. For me it has taken a lot of discipline to accomplish that presence. Children are simplistic and they do not enjoy the same mind entertainment that we adults have gotten used to. I tend to feel that I need sophistication and complexity in my day – I want to be mentally stimulated and challenged. That does not happen with my daughter. She is simple and requires me to be present in her simple exploration of the world – and because that does not stimulate me – I have to push myself to become a part of her world.

A perfect example would be playing. My daughter has toy that is a model of a stable. She loves to play with it. She moves her small toy horses back and forth, in and out from the stable – and she loves having me around. Usually she wants me to take the horse and go out on the track and do some jumps over the miniature barriers. On a mental level – I am not at all intrigued. I know that it is not real horses and I do not have a imagination that can facilitate and make the play entertaining. Hence – I have to be there for my daughter, present in the game, playing, even though I do not experience any desire towards it on a mental level.

It is interesting this word – present – because by pushing myself to be present – I am giving myself to my daughter – a gift. I remember myself from my years as a child that one of the things I desired most was to have my parents be happy, satisfied, present and here with me. There was such moments with my parents, however they were few and far in-between. Usually my parents were caught up in emotions; stress, anxiety, worry, desire, anger, etc. Happy days were unusual. And that is not satisfying. Adults, we tend to put so much emphasis and effort on surviving and creating a living for ourselves, that we forget actually living. We forget that living cannot not based on the prerequisite that everything must be working out in our lives when it comes to survival – because then there will be very little time over for living.

Thus – if there is one thing I want to gift to my daughter, it is myself, being present in her life. And that is also a gift that I give to myself – being present in my own life. I am certain that there is no greater gift than that.

Practically speaking – being HERE is something that I apply in moments of resistance and avoidance towards participating in simple things – such as playing with my daughter. Another example is when I resist exercising, giving or receiving massage. A red flag that I have learned to recognize is when I suddenly desire to do something that entails passive stimulation. I can be sitting with my daughter, drawing, and then this urge comes up within me to check if there are any updates on my smartphone. That is a certain sign for me that I am now at a threshold, the activity is not stimulating me sufficiently, and I feel a need for something more. It feels like I cannot only be here, and only do this, I must do something more. The solution for me in such moments is to embrace the simplicity of drawing – and commit myself to the activity fully – to not accept and allow myself to be partly in my mind and partly in the activity of drawing – but rather – FULLY in the process of drawing.

This is a skill that requires practice to develop. Being engaged and present in the moment is difficult, because there is always so many other things going on – especially in our minds. That is the place that most frequently removes our attention from what really matters. Somehow we believe that what is going on inside our minds is so, so important. And especially if we have a emotion or feeling coupled with the thought. Then we readily give up what we do in the moment and place our attention inside our heads. That is why we have to practice and discipline ourselves. We have to discipline ourselves to be here, present and giving – it cannot happen by itself. My suggestion is to use each day as a opportunity to practice. In the moments of simplicity when you want to escape – push yourself to remain HERE and see what happens. In my experience, those moments tend to hold something to be explored and discovered.


Day 228: It won’t go faster even though I want it to

A trigger point for stress that I’ve noticed recently is when things take longer than they expect them to take. This point has opened up in relation to a university course in marketing that I’m walking.

When I decided upon taking this course, I held an assumption that it would be easy. I thought it would be one of those basic courses with a few assignments, and then an exam at the end. Usually I’ve been able to walk through such courses with ease – and it’s only been required of me to invest some hours each week for me to stay on top of things and make sure that I’m following along with curriculum.

Though, this course in marketing happened to be a course that contrary to my assumption, was big – containing many assignments, a impressive amounts of papers to be read, and on-top of that, an exam at the end of the course. Thus, what has happened is that I’m now in a position with regards to my studies, where I feel that there is too much to do, and too little time for me to invest. A consequence that has developed due to me initially having the assumption that “I will not have to spend much time on this!” – is that when I sit down to write my assignments, I go into a state of stress, and attempt to force a result to come through faster, so that it can fit with my initial idea of how much time it should’ve taken me to successfully put this course behind me.

Now, this is not an effective way to approach studies, and neither life in general, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that when I try to force things, it will not produce a end result that I am satisfied. On top of that, I will place pressure on myself, because I’m trying to move faster than what I’m able to move – thus creating a conflict within me. Because obviously, when I try to force a point to move faster than is possible, then this will put a strain on me and diminish my capacity to effectively walk through the material.

What are the lessons to be learned from this?

Firstly: It’s possible to plan and make an overall assessment of how things might play out in the future – but it’s not possible to make an exact prediction of how reality is in-fact going to manifest as I put my plan into action. Thus, it’s important to remain flexible, and when I notice that a task, responsibility or commitment takes me longer than what I initially thought, to then align with reality, and walk with the new conditions of my life – instead of trying to fight them.

If I was to relate this to my marketing course, the solution is that I stop trying to force the completion of the course with as little time as I initially assumed – and rather align myself with the reality of the situation, which is that I must put in more effort and time to effectively bring this to a conclusion. Fortunately my reality allows for such a change in priorities, and thus there is nothing hindering me from giving this aspect of my life more of my time.

Secondly: To create something in the physical takes the time it takes. It’s not possible to speed up the creation of a physical creation through stress, it’s not possible to speed up through thinking about how fast it should be going. For example, to cook a meal, you require a certain amount of time, and you can’t do it faster than this. If you do, then you’ll end up with undercooked food, which is not nourishing or supportive for the human physical body – and the same goes for all other physical creation points. They require a certain investment of time, and instead of fighting reality, the solution is to walk with reality.

Relating this to the situation I’m facing, the solution would be to let go of the need for things to go faster than what they are, and embrace the point of walking this course, and invest the time necessary for me to do it effectively – realizing that there is no way I can force physical reality to bend to my will of wanting things to go faster, through existing in a constant conflict within myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an assumption of how fast I would be able to complete and walk through my course, and then when this shows out to not be the case, go into a resistance, and not want to accept the reality that I’m facing, and then instead of aligning my priorities, and responsibilities, so that I can take care of this course, and give it the time it requires, want to fight reality, and use energy, as stress, to force myself through the course, and do it faster

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that walking in the pace of breath, means that certain points in my life that involve physical creation, can’t be forced, can’t be stressed – and here an analogy can be made to the growth of a tree – I can’t force a tree to grow faster than what it does, through for example, giving it excessive amounts of sun, or water, because both will damage the tree and instead of empowering it, diminishing it, and it will in-fact regress rather than grow – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the same applies for me in regards to the responsibilities and commitments that I’m walking – that certain points must simply take the time that they require – else they’ll be compromised

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I try to force things, to make them move faster than what they’re able to, then I’m going to compromise the creation, and it won’t be stable, or effective – such as for example when I force the point of writing my assignments, trying to do them as fast as possible = when I do this I’m in-fact compromising the effectiveness of my writings, and thus I am missing in that a moment where I could develop my potential for writing, and expressing myself in letters, and become more effective with regards to comprehending, and then sharing information in the written word

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that quality far outweighs quantity, that doing something with presence, awareness and care, and creating a quality product, is something that I will be satisfied with, and look back at with a sense of contentedness, because I’m completing that moment, walking it to it’s fullest potential, whereas when I do things, just to get them done, focusing upon quantity, I’m going to look back in a sense of dissatisfaction, knowing that I didn’t walk that particular point to it’s fullest potential, but instead compromised the creation because I wanted to get it done faster

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that instead of fighting points that enter into my life, that requires my time, effort, and patience to be effectively walked, to instead embrace them, to see that this point comes into my life for me to direct the point, for me to express myself within this point, and learn something from it – and I’m not able to walk that process of self-growth and expansion if I accept and allow myself to hold unto, and exist within and as a state of conflict within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be comfortable with making room for my studies, accepting and allowing myself to take the time I require in order to walk through my studies, in order to integrate the information, and to write an effective assignment – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution is to slow down, and to embrace life as the physical, as it comes into my world and instead of fighting life, embrace and see what I can learn, what gifts I can develop, what point I can extract and give to myself that this particular point represents

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I want to stress, and force my studies, and make them go faster than what they’re able to, I stop, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understanding that in stressing, forcing and attempting to get things done NOW – because I believe that this particular point is not worth the time, then I am missing a gift, and squandering a moment of self-creation, and not living my life to create quality, substance, and value from the points that I’m walking – and thus I commit myself to embrace the responsibilities, and obligations that enter into my life – to walk them fully, completely and with awareness – and to make the most of time – and to identify for myself what gifts I’m able to develop and create from within this particular point that I’m facing

When and as I see myself wanting to force the process of physical creation, because I perceive that I don’t have the time to walk it effectively, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that when I try to force physical creation, the results are not effective, and instead of fulfilling the potential of a moment, I’m barely evening involving myself, because in my mind, I’m already at the next point that I perceive I should be doing – and thus I commit myself to ground myself here – and to practice walking with full awareness with the point that is here before me and what I’m doing – and not be distracted by how much or little time I perceive that I have – rather align my priorities so that I have sufficient with time to walk the responsibilities and obligations that enter into my sphere of influence

Day 221: Giving Life To What We Do

As I’m now reaching the end of my law-studies, I’ve begun considering what to do next, where to place myself in the system, where to go, and who to be. In doing this I have walked what can be called a process of getting to know myself, because in order to answer the questions I have been asking myself, I had to see as well as understand myself and who I am – my strengths, my weaknesses, my inclinations and aversions.

Though I have experienced conflict with this decision, and this has had to do with whether I should venture into the business side of law, or the humanitarian side of law. My initial decision, and also the area in which I chose specialize myself during my education was contract and procedural law. This decision though have slowly been uprooted and lately I have been questionsng whether this direction is really ‘me’ so to speak. The reason being that I do enjoy the humanitarian and societal side of law a lot more, this aspect of the judicial system fascinates me. I also have talent for analyzing and reflecting on the daily human interactions in society, and I’m captivated by seeing and understanding the various social undercurrents of our world system.

Thus I’ve been questioning why I decided to give up on this side of law so early, and instead head into the business side. And I see that the reason behind this is MONEY – though – it’s not ACTUALLY about money in itself, rather it’s about the FEAR of not having money. Because without investigating the point clearly, I’ve assumed that there is no money in the humanitarian side of law, and that I must head into the arena of business. Mostly this is a decision I’ve come to through looking at what direction my classmates where going into, and most of them made the decision early on the head into business.

I am able to see that I have in a way lost myself through giving to much attention to what my classmates where doing, or rather, I hadn’t ever actually established myself and MY DIRECTION. WHERE it is that I wish to go and WHY? Thus I have now decided to reevaluate my starting point towards where I’m to place myself in the industry of law – and enquire into where and how it is that I can place myself in the system so that I can make an effective impact in this world, and where it is that I can grow the most as a being and living person. Thus – even though money plays an important role in our lives, it’s as important to make sure that we don’t become these wandering zombies – that only live to survive – but that we have a clear purpose with what we’re doing and ourselves. Because without that life becomes empty and incomplete – because SELF isn’t here actually directing, living, motivating and creating – as fear have instead taken the driver seat.

So, with this I don’t want to say that we should always go with what we ENJOY to do, because at all times, practical reality must be priority – which means that our ability to cover our expenses must be directed. Nevertheless when that point is covered, our focus should shift into creating something more of our ourselves and our lives – and here the point that I see is important is that if we have the ability to do so, we select a profession and a direction in life that we’re passionate about – OR – that we FIND and CREATE such passion towards what we are walking. That we do the research and find ways to contribute to life, society and other people through our expression in our profession – so that our daily living isn’t about just surviving. Meaning – that we instead give life and purpose to what we do – because nothing will do that for us – WE must instead be the directive principle that breath LIFE into our work, profession and other responsibilities in the system – that’s the simplicity of the point.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not gift myself the courage to recognize myself, where I see I will be effective in this life, where I see that I can place myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in a way lose myself through looking at what others are, or aren’t doing – and comparing my potential future with the potential future of others – and believe that my future must resemble and be just like the future of another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that regardless of the position I place myself within, the one point that remains the same is that I must gift life into my position and placement, that I must breath life and create my living and that nothing and no one will do that for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I must gift life to myself and my choice of work – that I must establish a passion for life and create with myself and my living something that is beneficial and supportive and that gives life – and thus create my purpose and not accept and allow my life to merely be for the sake of survival – but to instead clearly establish within myself a directive as to where I am going and why – and make the directive within the principle of oneness and equality as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I must accept and allow myself to trust myself when making the decision as to where I am to place myself – that after I’ve looked through the information, looked at myself, and established WHO I AM in relation to the point – then I must accept and allow myself to trust myself – to move forward and create myself in life – and in this I can’t wait for trust to come – I must decide to trust myself and then move ahead and create my life and purpose in relation to the point – to bring in life, passion and care into what I am doing – and to see how I’m able to re-design the point to be a gift that I give to myself as well as others that support life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that regardless of where I will place myself in this world, the thing that is going to remain the same is that I will be the breath of life that either drives, or demotivates the particular point – that I will either be the point that create and moves forward – or the point that will make the work or placement I’m within feel constricted, limited and boring – because I am creating it to be that way – instead of looking at gifts and opportunities that I can take and then learn from and create from – and build life from within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that through deciding on doing business law – not giving humanitarian law a change at all – I actually limited myself and my life – and I made a decision where I didn’t look at where I would grow the most – where I would fit and be effective – and where I would enjoy myself – and thus I made a decision as to where I am going to place myself on the basis of comparing myself with what others are doing – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not listen to myself, get to know myself, to see where in-fact I’d like to place myself, to review myself, reflect and ask myself the difficult questions – and then answer them – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that only making decisions on the basis of money is not effective – because an effective decision must consider ALL aspects and dimensions of a point – and here money is but ONE and not ALL

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give upon myself in terms of creating a life for myself within the category of humanitarian law – thinking that such a prospect will not work effectively for me – and that I will not be able to attain a sufficient amount of money directing myself in such an area of expertise – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’ve limited myself before even looking any further, or making more extensive investigations into the point – and that I’ve just assumed a direction – and moved within a particular trajectory just because everyone else was doing it – instead of me seeing and finding myself – and me considering who I am – where I’d be effective – where I’d actually enjoy my work and my profession – and towards what I do have a genuine passion that I can expand upon and use a support when I move myself to become more specific and effective in what I’m doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not keep my eyes open, and not unnecessarily close any doors on myself, believing that I have to go into a particular direction in life, just because others are doing that – and also to believe – that because I’ve selected upon a particular direction, then I must always go in that direction, and that there is no room or opportunity for me to change, and move a different way, and in a different direction – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in fear when making decisions as to where I’m to place myself in the future – to limit myself in fear through fearing that I’ll have to stick my decision for the rest of my life – and that it will be wrong – and that I’ll have to pay for that mistake forever – instead of me trusting myself and my stability here – my groundedness – and that I bring life and my stability into what I do – instead of expecting what I do to bring life into me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that my life and reality, and that my profession, and my direction in life is going to bring me passion and zest for life – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I can’t expect what I do to make me alive – and rather I must make what I do come alive – that I must be the point of creation that takes responsibility and brings something to life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it really doesn’t matter where I am, or what I do – because what matters is WHO I AM within and as what I am doing – and whether I’m actually giving myself the point – or whether I’m holding back and accepting and allowing myself to wait for the point to give itself to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hesitant towards and fearful of committing and giving myself to a certain point – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my direction in life to come to me, to want my future and my decisions to already be created, to already be set out and clearly defined – so that I just have to walk into my future – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect and want things to just be there for me – and to believe that what I do is going to complete me – instead of realizing that it will be me completing myself through me accepting and allowing myself to give myself unconditionally what I am doing and walking

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I’m expecting my future to unfold, expecting my profession, my work, and my direction to give me life, and that a creation will just unfold before me – I stop – I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I will have to give life to what I do – that I will have to bring purpose, meaning and substance into my profession, my work and my direction – that it will be ME and my decision to gift life that will make all the difference – and thus I commit myself to gift life into what I do – to give myself to my responsibilities, commitments, my profession and direction – to commit myself and really give as I’d like to receive

I commit myself to stop waiting for a direction or profession in my life to give me enjoyment, and to give me purpose and a trajectory – and thus I commit myself to gift this to myself – to see, realize and understand that regardless of where I stand in life – regardless of position – regardless of environment – it’s my responsibility to see the gifts, to see the potentials and to take these – enhance them and create with them something that will be a support for all of life – and all of existence and for myself

Day 220: Changing the Starting Point of Purpose

In my process of creating a purpose for myself in this life, I’ve noticed one quite interesting point – it’s that the point of purpose has become monetized – so immediately as I think about or consider my purpose, this will be followed with thoughts, and experiences of how I can further myself in my career, or create more money for myself – thus the purpose in essence being something that I’m doing only for myself – and more precisely – for money.

It’s thus fascinating to see, that what comes up within me when considering giving myself purpose, giving myself direction, and a objective that is greater than me, is that I only tend to care about MYSELF – the consideration only stretches as far as me look at what I would feel good doing, what I would be able to use to get a greater and more lucrative career. Though, there is a quite obvious problem with this starting point in relation to purpose = it won’t ever create any form of change in this world – it’ll only ever create my life to be slightly better, slightly more enjoyable, and with more finances to it – but that shouldn’t be the point of purpose!

The word PURPOSE implies something more than me only looking at myself, my life, my preferences, hopes, and desires – it implies looking at others as well, looking at life, looking at the world – looking at where it is that I can contribute, where I would be able to place myself that would have an effect – an actual effect in the lives of others, where their lives would become measurably enhanced by the point that I am walking and placing into creation.

Yet in my process of selecting a purpose of myself, the one greatest point that has stood in my way has probably been that of wanting, and desiring to find an extravagant purpose – something extremely great, something totally enjoyable, something that I just KNOW is what I’m supposed to do and create for myself in this lifetime – though – creating and finding a purpose is not about something OUT THERE – a purpose can exist even in the smallest of points – it’s important to not THINK something up – rather what I require to look at myself, my life, and see what is and has been significant to me personally – NO MATTER how small or simple it may seem.

For me, this has been quite difficult, because the purpose I’ve seen for myself has been one of these small and apparently insignificant points – one of those very personal aspects of life that many probably wouldn’t consider as having any impact or value whatsoever – and due to me having an idea of what purpose SHOULD be – and also relating purpose to MONEY and INCOME – my process of finding a direction for myself became convoluted, complex and filled with labyrinthine paths stretching from here to there – yet never really coming to a conclusion HERE. This also a fascinating point – that we believe that to change the world, and stand by a greater purpose – we’ve to become some form of a revolutionary, and daring activist, with this enormous, massive and flaunting purpose – whereas the reality of the situation is that we might be able to contribute the most through for example sharing with the world, how we’re able to live self-discipline and self-motivation effectively – meaning showing and giving to others how to improve on one small aspect of life, living and self-creation.

So, what I’ve seen is that in order to really find YOUR purpose, or in this case MY purpose – there can’t be any comparison, there can’t be any money-issues involved, there can’t be ideas of what the purpose should be like, because then the point of having a purpose is missed – then purpose instead of being an expression of myself, becomes a point of showing off and trying to display a picture to others of how cool, interesting, and fascinating my life is – and that is not the point – the point is to share myself with the world, share a point of myself that I’ve walked, and give that to others, seeing that it will contribute to their lives, that it will enhance their lives, that it will give something to them that they are able to use for the rest of their existence.

Thus purpose is not something you LOOK for OUT THERE – you have to LOOK INSIDE, yourself, your life to SEE it – PURPOSE must be something personal that you can stand by for yourself and even if for example Desteni wouldn’t be here – a point where you can source from the principle / process of Desteni but where you stand in and as a way where it still supports others in such a significant way as it did with you

Concluding – purpose is not about success, purpose is not about self-importance, purpose is not about becoming noticed, purpose is not about becoming seen by others, purpose is not about becoming special, purpose is not about money, purpose is not about fame, purpose is not about looking outside of yourself – purpose is an act of SELF-INTIMACY – it’s an act of SELF-KNOWING – seeing WHO I am – and WHAT I’ve lived – and WHY I’ve lived – and WHAT of my existence, life, expression that is personal to me – that I can voice and share with others – and in that stand as an example of how you create, change, improve and update your life – similar to the way I’ve done with the particular point that I’m walking.

Thus – finding/seeing purpose is actually very simple – because it involves recognizing the value a point that’s always been here – though as many do know – often what is the most glaringly obvious is also the point we’ve got the most difficulty to see – maybe because we’ve simply gotten used to it?

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become uncertain and doubtful of my purpose through looking out there, and comparing myself with others, and trying to attain and create a purpose for myself that I define and see to be extravagant, great, and formidable, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose touch with myself, with the simplicity of breath, the simplicity of being here with and as my human physical body, and in self-intimacy seeing what I’m able to bring to this world, to show and extend to others as a gift that I’ve created for myself and that I’m now able to show others how to create, build and implement into their lifestyles

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate purpose with creating something great, magnificent, and fantastic – and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself for granted, to take my skills, my process that I’ve walked, and my life in this world for granted, and believe that it’s not worth enough, it’s not worthwhile, it’s not good enough, and that I apparently require and need to keep looking, to keep investigating, to find that apparent great, fulfilling, and complete purpose of myself – instead of recognizing and seeing myself – and accepting and allowing myself to move, create and walk what is already HERE – what I’ve already done and seen in my life that I’m now able to gift to others as I’ve gifted to myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself for granted, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, and participate within and as an idea that I require to bring something more to the table, something better, something more extravagant, something deeper, with more impact, with more power to it, with more worth to it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the problem I’ve had – is that I’ve not been willing to recognize the value and worth in myself and the life I’ve walked thus far – and thus I commit myself to recognize and value myself – the process of walked thus far – to see the greatness of what I’ve been able to create for myself that could really make a difference in the life of others – and thus stop trying to make something more out of myself in the belief that I’m not enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and make something more, better, and greater out of myself and my life – in the belief that it’s not enough – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge simplicity, to judge the small aspects, and skills that I’ve been able to walk, and create for myself – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason I’ve had a difficulty to see what I can gift to the world, is because I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to recognize my value, to recognize my skills, to recognize what I’m able to gift, to recognize what are my strengths, what are my potentials, and what I’m able to walk and stand as an example of and as in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself into a time-loop and mind-fuck through thinking about what should be me purpose, through judging the purpose I initially selected and defined for myself as not being sufficient, and not being enough – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this time-loop I’ve dragged myself into is in-fact indicatory of my approach to myself and life in general, which is that I don’t accept and allow myself to value and recognize the small, to value and recognize myself and who I am – and what I’ve walked and created within and as my lifetime

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what I’m facing within is the consequences of judging myself as not being good enough – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how this a pattern that is present in many areas and aspects of my life – that comes through in me constantly wanting, and desiring to something more, something different, something better – instead of recognizing myself HERE – what it is that I’m already walking and applying myself within and as – and thus developing the points I’ve already committed myself to walk – and recognizing the value, and worth of those points that I’ve committed myself to walk

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to value and recognize myself, the life I’ve walked, the processes I’ve walked, that skills and abilities that I’ve developed, and the gifts that I’ve given to myself – to recognize these points and realize that this is what I can gift to the world – and that it doesn’t have to be a magnificent, powerful and apparently great purpose that I give to myself – it must be something that I’ve lived and walked personally that I can share with others and gift to others – and stand as an example of and as in the lives of others

When and as I see that I’m going into doubt, and uncertainty with regards to the purpose I’ve selected for myself in this lifetime, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this doubt and fear that comes up within me is in-fact originating from within and as me not accepting and allowing myself to value and recognize myself – and thus I commit myself to as self-correction – state within me that I value and recognize what I’ve walked for myself – and the importance of standing with and as the purpose I’ve selected for myself – because I see the difference that it’s made to my life – and thus I understand what difference it can do in the life of others – and thus I see it as my responsibility to gift that point to others – and stand as an example of that point in the lives of others

Day 216: Melancholy

Today as I woke up there was this underlying experience of melancholy in my chest – and the definition of melancholy is:

“A feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause.”

Now – this is interesting because it correlates well with my general state of being for the last week or so – there has been this underlying experience of feeling down, depressed and gloomy – and from what I’ve seen this experience seems to be connected with the prospect of aging and not feeling that life turned out the way I expected and desired that it would.

Then with the support of my course buddy the point of having a ‘mid life crisis’ opened up – and I could immediately see how what I’ve been going through is in-fact one of those crisis-experiences. Because the origin of the experience is how I feel that there isn’t enough to my life, there is not enough fun, not enough pleasure, not enough life, not enough happiness – and so on. This would then be the time where I’m supposed to go out and purchase the motorcycle or the fast car – to then ‘get over’ my mid life crisis.

Though – I am going to approach this differently – so what I’m going to work with in this blog is the expectations I’ve created on life and how my life should turn out – and then also re-define these expectations so that they are practical and effective – so that I can walk my life and in-fact drive myself to create expectations that are realistic and common sense.

Because it’s important to not completely reject these expectations of what life should be – though instead of going into a depression and a state of disappointment I must will myself to take responsibility for my expectations and then use them in this self-creation process that I am walking – where I making sure that I create and build my life and that I don’t wait for anyone else to do it for me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations of what life should be like – and how I should experience it – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that my life would automatically take me into a state of completion – fulfillment and happiness – where I would experience myself as blissful and content – and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’m within such a statement and idea limiting myself – waiting for life to happen to me instead of taking direction and deciding what I want to create and then creating it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations of how life should be experienced – and then become disappointed when reality doesn’t match these expectations – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of melancholy – where I feel slightly depressed and saddened – reflecting back on my life and on my potential future – and in this thinking that it contains no hope or potential of creation – and that it’s just a waiting game until the day that I die

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that living is a waiting game – and that I should wait until my expectations are fulfilled – and in this think that life is to automatically change and move and direct itself to fulfill my hopes – expectations and wants – and within this I forgive myself to that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a state of melancholy – and depression – where I perceive that life has let me down – and that it has not fulfilled my hopes for what my life should entail – and that I’m because of that apparently a victim to life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider and see myself as a victim of life – as someone that is constantly and continuously beaten down by this apparently bad and nefarious system – and that because of this I apparently have a right to be sad and melancholic – because I’m not getting what I want – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this idea and belief that life is just going to give me any- and everything that I want – that I won’t have to do anything – that I don’t have to push myself – that I don’t have to will myself – and that things will just go as I hope and wish for them to go

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how feeling melancholic, feeling depressed, sad and in a state of victimization is in-fact self-manipulation and also blame – wherein I’m blaming my world and reality for not being the way that I desire and want it to be – and not moving itself according to my wishes and demands – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to really move myself – and my world – and my life – I require to make the decisions – I require to motivate myself and I require to actually take the steps to bring into creation that which I want to create – and not anymore wait for it to happen to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up in a state of melancholy and pensive sadness – where I feel that my life is somehow not working – it’s somehow wrong – it’s somehow not aligned with and living up to my expectations of what I want it to be like – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this statement I’m making is in-fact self-manipulation and self-sabotage – because the fact is that I’ve life here in-front of me facing me day by day – and thus what I have to do is to make the decision to walk and direct my life – and not anymore wait for life to direct itself – not anymore wait for the physical to move itself – but rather that I move – I direct – I will myself – and I birth life from the physical and I do not anymore wait for things to just happen to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the expectations I had as a child on what life should be like – is something that might be fulfilled – THOUGH – I must actually fulfill those points – I must take responsibility for those points – I must make sure that I move and direct myself to fulfill and create these points – I can’t just wait for them and expect that they are going to turn up magically in my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the key to self-creation is recognizing the fact that unless I act – and unless I move – and unless I decide what to do and who to be – nothing will move – and then I can stay in this state of melancholy for the rest of my life – but it won’t change a thing

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see and notice that I am going into a melancholy, feeling that my life that didn’t turn out as I expected that it would, that it didn’t become as marvelous and mind boggling as I hoped that it would, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand these hopes and expectations that I’ve had for my life isn’t in-fact not real, from the perspective that I’ve simply remained in a hope and desire that they would just emerge and come into my life without me having to do any work or labor – and thus I commit myself to realize that in order to fulfill and create my life – I’ve to bring into my life the things that I want – I’ll have to create my life and I can’t just expect that things are to turn out the way I’ve hoped that they would – because that isn’t how life work – thus I commit myself to look at my life and see what potential creations that are here – what points that I’m able to push and create to make my life more fulfilling, enjoyable, and supportive

When and as I see that I go into a melancholy and depression as I wake up in the morning, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this melancholy is here because I’ve not yet made the decision to actively create myself and my life – and that thus this experience represents an opportunity for me to change this aspect and part of myself so that I’m in-fact able to create a life that I’m satisfied with – and thus I commit myself to when this experience come – to change it – through instead looking at my day – and what is before – and see what potentials there exist for me to create my life – and bring into existence points that I enjoy, or that I can be proud over having walked and create – thus recognizing the gifts in my life – and building on them – further enhancing them – and taking responsibility for the creation of my life

Day 212: Self-Creation

Today I had a fascinating point open up in relation to the point of self-creation – and taking my life by the horns and designing it – instead of waiting for things to calm in the palm of my hand.

So, the context was the following: I’ve decided to move back to the town where I grew and settle in with my mother on our family farm – today I had a thought come up in regards to this prospect that contained this moaning – drop – experience. The essence of the thought was: “What if it’s boring to live there?” – and the energy experience that accompanied the thought was a sense of dullness and weariness.

What I could see was that this point is in-fact a form of self-sabotage – because what I do in participating with this thought and emotion – is that I blame my environment for not being as stimulating and satisfying as I want it to be – and I thus expect my environment to create me – I expect my surroundings to facilitate and develop me. And this is obviously limiting – because here I will forever search for some perfect environment that will fulfill my ideas – and I won’t push myself to actually create that point of interest – to ask myself – what gifts DOES my world hold? What is it here that I can learn? That is just here before my eyes, and that I can take with me?

For example with my mother, and living on the farm, there are tons of things I’m able to learn – I can learn more about animals, more about handcrafting, and being practical, dealing with more physical labor, I can learn cooking, baking – and I can do more outdoor things living so close to nature. Do when I approached the point from the starting point of a emotion – this dullness and weariness – I couldn’t see those gifts – see the cool points and opportunities of self-creation that was right before me all along.

Thus – a correction that I am now going to apply – is that when I notice I judge my environment or surroundings for apparently not facilitating my self-creation and life – I stop – and I ask myself instead – what are the gifts here? What can I CREATE with what is here? What are the potentials, the opportunities, the prospects that I can expand and move? So, instead of seeing my world in the color of emotion – stopping myself – and looking at what is the gifts? What are the potential of creation?

And this I would say is the core of what it means to create yourself – it means to take active responsibility – to work with what is HERE and to CREATE with what is here – to stop hoping that the future will bring anything, stop hoping that my environment will move points into my world, stop hoping that my life will come to me – and instead actively CREATE and BUILD it – that is real self-empowerment – and that is real JOY – to live as a creator – and create life in real time.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge living with my mother, and living on a farm as being dull, mundane and wearisome – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this aspect and part of life – instead of seeing what potential there are for self-creation – what potential there is for life to be birthed – what I can do to enrich my life and the lives of others HERE – looking at what I can push – how I can move and direct myself to create added value – instead of expecting it to turn up on my door step

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother, and the farm for causing this experience in me of dullness and weariness – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this blame is locking me into a state of not seeing that I am the creator – and that when I accept myself and my general self-experience as being dull and weary – then that is what I am going to create – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself out of this experience – and push myself to create my life – to enhance my life – to create added value – to see the potentials and the gifts that are here – and thus not anymore remain in a state of blame

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take charge of my life and my future – through asking myself how I’m able to substantiate and build my life HERE – and thus not anymore look at my environment or my future to bring me this state of fulfillment and added value – but realize that I must stand as that point – and that I’m able to align myself with this point regardless of where I am – that it’s not a matter of where I’m but how I approach things – how I see things – and that I can actually train and practice myself to see the gifts and the potentials of a environment or relationship – and then push myself to create these potentials

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this experience that comes up within me – that something is limited, or that something is too small, and insignificant, and doesn’t offer me enough challenges, or moments of expansion – to not see how this is self-sabotage – because in-fact I’m responsible for my own growth – for creating my life to be expansive – to be enjoyable – to be fascinating – to be creative and to walk the potentials that open up in my life and in my world into creation – and into actual fulfillment and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself – through holding unto this belief that apparently my world should change and offer me that point of creation – not realizing that I must actively stand as – and will myself to ask – what is the potential here? What can I create here? What can I build, form and shape here? And how can I add value to my own life and the lives of others?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for my life to open up, to wait for opportunities to unfold, to wait for a process of creation to begin, to wait for life, instead of me actively willing, and creating my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how my life can become so much more – when I accept and allow myself to see the opportunities and the gifts that are here – and what I can create, pursue, and build with my life here – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not open up my eyes and see that gifts that are right in-front of me – and embrace these gifts – walk them and create them into the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I’m able to give myself some very cool points of direction in my life that will assist and support not only me – but also others in my life – and that thus – I don’t require to wait for things to unfold – but I can instead take direction and push for points to come into creation – to design my own life manifesto of who I am – and where I am going – in the personal – interpersonal and existential level of creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the decision I’ve made to go to the farm – to embrace this decision and walk with the point unconditionally – to not attempt and try anymore to fight it – but rather walk with it – and make it mine – and make it mine through actively looking for gifts and potentials that I can create and manifest through this adventure – to look where I’m able to learn – where I’m able to contribute – where there are gifts that I can develop and expand upon – and thus instead of wanting and wishing to be somewhere else – make the absolute most of what is here in my life in this very moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my process of creation must take place HERE – that my process of building and shaping myself in my life must be walked HERE – that I can’t wait for life – I can’t hope that life will unfold – I must create it – I must will into the physical and thus stand as the point – as the searchlight – that constantly looks for new ways – new paths – where I can expand – where I can move – where I can direct myself to add value – to enhance and to gift life to myself as well as others

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a state of blaming my environment, and thinking that my environment is responsible for causing me to feel limited, and less expansive, and as having less opportunities to build a life for myself – I stop – I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that the real potential of creation and the real potential of creating a life for myself exists HERE – within and as my human physical body – within and as my physical world that is HERE with me in this moment – HERE are the potentials for self-creation – they are not out there somewhere in the future – they are here in my world – and it’s thus my responsibility to see them – to find the gifts – and then to walk the gifts into creation; and thus I commit myself to when this experience of blame and a thought of dropping – and standing back comes up within me – to then say NO – and look at what are the gifts, what are the potentials, what am I able to create for myself in this life, in this moment, where I am at right now? And thus walk the process of taking these gifts into creation