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Day 270: Social Anxiety and Misunderstandings

Today at work I faced an interesting situation. A couple of my colleagues and I were talking about an upcoming event at the office. They were in a light and playful mood, and started to joke with me. I found it interesting that in this moment, I did not experience this light and playful mood as something enjoyable, and inviting – my reaction was instead that of fear/anxiety/insecurity.

The reaction was quite strong, and the physical sensation was the of my body tensing up, especially in my calves. And as the reaction came up within me, yet another fear arose from within, the fear of: What if my colleagues are seeing what I am experiencing? What if they will not see me as one of those easy going, flowing, and comfortable-to-be-around people?

Thus what happened was that a initial reaction of insecurity, got coupled with a reaction of fear, and this then snowballed, and I found it difficult to settle down, breath, and relax my human physical, which I do know is an effective solution, especially when emotional reactions come up. Instead of breathing, and settling down, I tried to be more ‘up-beat’ and ‘get more into’ the joking and playful mood, however, this simply did not work but instead exacerbated the reaction. This shows that what I resist, will persist, it is not possible to counter a experience with its opposite, as that will only cause more friction – hence – a effective solution is to slow down and move back into my human physical body – understanding that it is nothing ‘out there’ that is required to be corrected – instead it is my relationship with and as myself that must be corrected.

Hence, what I see that I am doing many times, and that causes me to miss a moment, is that I place my focus on how others are reacting/perceive/experience me. Though, when an reaction emerge within me, the focus must be who I am within and as myself – and that must be that point that is forgiven – the reaction coming up from within.

Another point that I see is the point of fitting in, the desire to fit in and be considered as one in the group – that is a fear that comes up when I have a reaction/experience towards another – because if another notice what I am going through – will they then consider/see me as being one in the group?

Hence the play-out today I see as being a mix of several programs – though the core point is the Fear of What Others Might Think Of ME, or Do, or Say to Me – that is the underlying experiences that fuels these reactions – and the self-interest that I am holding unto that currently cause me to have difficulty to move through this experience.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others might think of me, say, or do to me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interact with others in a state of apprehension/holding back – where I am in a state of interpretation, and caution, trying to be aware of how another interprets me so that I can change myself to fit their personal mind settings – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself around others to fit in – instead of accepting and allowing myself to be myself – to express myself naturally and comfortable – and not accept and allow myself to change myself to be liked by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others have to say about me, and fear that others are talking behind my back, and saying that I am strange, different, and an outcast – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuel this view of myself that I am strange – that I am not the same as others – and that I require/must fit in – change myself – and be like a chameleon – in order to not cause a raucous and make others notice me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when speaking/sharing myself with my colleagues at work – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in this slight state of tension – where I feel like I am on my toes constantly – trying to read another and how they are expressing themselves – so that I can immediately change to accommodate that change and make the situation positive/comfortable for another – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being myself – to fear living/standing within and as stability when I am with others – and hence not accept and allow myself to give into my mind and start to interact with others from within and as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to change/rearrange myself to fit the minds of others – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of constant anxiety – preparation – where I try to be prepared for another and the attack that they might make on me – and that I must be there to make the save as fast as possible and then put something back that is hopefully seen/considered within a state of positivity as being something good – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my natural playful and enjoyable expression through giving into fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that fear is really one of the main creators of separation – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that fear indicates self-interest – and the self-interest in my case would be to avoid conflict/friction – where I want everyone to like me so that I do not have to experience myself embarrassed and disliked by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is a point of self-interest to want and desire to be liked by everyone – to be positively considered by everyone – to have a ‘good’ relationship with everyone – and with ‘good’ meaning – that everyone knows me, likes me, and considers me to be fun and popular

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a female saying something about me that was meant as a critique, and me taking that personally, and becoming sad, and judging myself for showing this sadness to others, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a fear of such an event repeating – and me again having to experience myself as being sad, and personally attacked – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of fear towards being personally attacked and having others define me as a weak and inferior person that they can use as a target for their attacks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be desperate to be liked, desperate to have others see/experience me in a positive/comfortable light, where they see me as being one of their friends/comrades – that they like/enjoy to be with – and that they want to have a lot to do with – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this self-interest within me is enticing fear/anxiety – and that I am creating separation through holding unto this desire because I am not accepting and allowing myself to be genuine – self-honest and real in my participation with others

Self-commitment statements

When and as I am communicating/speaking/interacting with others, and I notice myself beginning to tense up, and experience a fear, anxiety, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I make the focus of that moment to be me relaxing, me breathing, and me sharing myself from my oneness connection and being self-honest, and genuine in my expression, and thus not try and attempt to be more than myself, or less – but simply be genuine and real in the moment

I commit myself to practice self-honest and genuine participation with others – where I place my attention on my physical body and expression – and make it a point to share myself from within and as my oneness connection – and be real with others – and here I see that I cannot be real with others unless I am grounded – physical and here

When and as I see myself tense up, and change, because I perceive that another is reacting towards, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this reaction within me cannot be solved by me trying to be like I believe that another wants me to be – but must be solved by me letting go of this angst – and allowing myself to be real – realizing that REAL is something that I am only able to live/express/stand as – when I breathe effectively and ground myself in my physical – and stop these experiences/thoughts that come up from within

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Day 170: Successful people… and ME!

Today I was hanging out with some friends and we were discussing career and future decisions, and appropriately enough, we happened upon the subject of what jobs we’ve had in the past. My friend then shared with me that he’d been to a renowned firm, a company that is big, and have a celebrated past, and actually: most of my fellow classmates probably have dreams about setting their foot in such workplace.

When my friend shared this with me I got literally stung with jealousy, I mean, it came up nothing short of a punch in my solar plexus area – and the nature of the experience was: NO! – lol – “He got it and not me!” – “I wanted to get it!”.

As they day continued, I noticed these peculiar thoughts popping up in my mind, where I could see that I compared myself to my friend, looked at my past, my education, my decisions, my life in general, and what type of opportunities that I’d manifested for myself, and then compared these with what I heard about my friend. And in doing this, I could see that I was taking myself into a experience of gloominess, and depression, and it felt as if I was attacking myself within, punishing myself that I didn’t create myself in the same way as my friend, and that I thus didn’t make sure that I go the same type of job, and the same type of life that my friend was about to step into.

So, if I take this back to common sense, and look at it, I am able to see that this friend of my represents my desires, and he shows me very clearly where I still exist within a state of competition, a state of fear, and a state of survival, and where I try to get ahead of others in order to feel good about myself, and to prove myself – and this is obviously not the point in life, it’s obviously not the point of why I am here – I mean, what purpose does it in-fact serve to get a super-good job, only to have that job and to feel better than others? It’s really meaningless and probably one of the big reasons why we human-beings have never managed to actually change anything in our world, because we’ve always been super-concerned with wanting to win, compete, and survive – so super-concerned that we’ve totally forgotten ourselves, our world, this system, our responsibilities and how it is that we’re affecting life on this planet with our actions.

Thus, my self-forgiveness today will be directed towards this particular point of competition, the competition that leads into jealousy, the jealousy being that point of feeling like a looser because another have something that I desire and want – and in this case: having a position in the world system that I’ve defined as envious and desirable.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous at another for having a job that is considered to be advantageous and desirable in the world system, and that is seen as being connected with having status, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to place myself in an equal position as this other person, and have a similar job, and have a similar career, and be in the top of the system, so that I am able to feel like I am winner – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my decisions, and movement in life on the basis of wanting to be a winner, and wanting to come out on top and in this not care about life, about this world, about humanity in its entirety but only care about myself, my desires, my experiences, and my future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself in such a way wherein I only care about myself, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a desire of wanting to place myself in the top brackets of the system, and have a job that others see as desirable – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to impress upon others and show them how much status and power I’ve in the system so that I can feel like I am winner, and that I am better than others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this particular point is coming from within and as a desire to be special, and to be unique, and to be termed, defined, and seen as a winner, and as being more than others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be satisfied and content with being equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist equality, because in equality no one is better than another, no one has more stature, status or power than another, all are on the same level, and all are of the same value and worth, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in competition, desire, and wanting to be the best, instead of realizing that my life will not contribute to anything when and as I accept and allow this to be my starting point, and my direction in life, and what I want to have, and what I want to create, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change my focus, and my direction, to instead start caring about others, start appreciating others, and making my life to be about changing, and contributing, and making a difference, and creating a life of worth, and value in this world system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a dog in a dog eat dog world – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept this game, to identify and define myself according to this game, and to believe that the only way to lead one’s life in this world is through playing this game, and making sure that I win this game, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself with and as my human physical body, and instead of living to win, live in such a way that I make everyone a winner, that each person that comes into my world is an equal, that each human being that exists in this world is an equal and thus deserves an equal opportunity, and an equal life, just as I do – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in the desire and strife to become more than others, instead of focusing my life upon how I am able to assist and support others, how I am able to assist and support life to come through, and become something more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a glorious career wherein I am seen by others as having a perfect life, having the perfect girlfriend, having the perfect family, having the perfect intellect, having the perfect personality, being successful and famous in each and every instance and part of my life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive for me, instead of accepting and allowing myself to change my striving, and instead strive to create, and found a difference in this world – and make my life to be about something tangible, something that I am able to touch, and have impact in this life, not only living for myself, and having my life become perfect, and desirable, but creating a life for all that is truly respectable, and dignified, and that all enjoy and where no one is compromised or left behind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire my life, and my future to be perfect, so that I can brag to others about, and feel superior, and above others in how effective, and strong I was in creating my perfect future, and my perfect life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lost in desire, instead of making the focus in my life to be about contributing to an existence, and a world, and a life that is heaven on earth – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to align my mind, and my daily living, and my daily considerations to take into account this aspect of actually making something worthwhile with my life, wherein worthwhile is not only something that means that my life is to be the best that it can be, but that I contribute to make sure that everyone’s life is the best life that they can possibly have – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that having an active mind is really only showing me that I am still selfish and that I don’t really care about another – and thus I commit and push myself to start caring about life – start caring about others – and making me an instrument of life that is here to contribute to life and a future that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with my life, with my future, and with my career, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to without consideration, without regard, without care, only focus on myself, instead of accepting and allowing myself to expand my perspective, and my view to include this world, humanity, earth, the animals, and everything that is here, and realize that in order to live a fulfilling life I require to give as I’d like to receive, I require to be a catalyst that makes life worthwhile not only for myself but for everyone in my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push and will myself to walk out of my self-interested mind and into physical equality – wherein I look at another as myself, I place myself in their shoe’s and I accept and allow myself to take responsibility for this world and how it has ended up looking – and as such commit myself to become a contributory force that lives to expand and create a life that is best for all – that means something – and that allows for life to flourish and grow to it’s utmost potential

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into future projections, wherein I dream about my career, about my life, my future, my potential, I stop, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that it’s through these dreams that I separate myself from the rest of humanity, from the rest of this existence, and from the rest of earth, and that in order to really contribute, I require to let go of my ego and my desire to win, and be special; and thus I commit myself to train myself to consider others, to care for others, and I commit myself to make my purpose in life to be that of contributing to the lives of others and to life on earth

I commit myself to daily selfless acts wherein I participate, walk and move myself to bring about a world that is best for all – where I act – and I move not for my own pleasure or satisfaction – but for the betterment of everyone – to create a world that is magnificent

I commit myself to expand my viewpoint and to include the rest of this world – and I commit myself to first train this point with learning to care about those closest to me in my world – and learning to show, share and live compassion with those that are in my immediate environment – and then expand this point to include the rest of this world and humanity

Day 55: Learning From Others Instead of Competing

I will continue in looking at the point of wanting approval, and also the point of competition – because this point have been opening up recently, and have become more intense.

competition-in-businessThus – in looking at this point – I mean – what is the essence of this point? What is the real point that is the origin of the point of jealousy, competition, and desire for approval? I mean – it’s simple to see – it’s worthlessness – and it’s uselessness; because the main thing with competition is that I want to win and what does winning implies? It implies that I am something more, which also implies that I must already see myself as being something less – because why would I else have to fight to apparently become more?

Thus – what I am seeing is that I’ve created myself into this personality, and character that defines itself as being worthless, and useless – and because of that through competition seeks, and desires to become something more – I mean – this is obviously a completely ludicrous, and in-effective way to live – and what is even more fascinating is that – in living from this starting point of wanting to win, and wanting to gain approval – I mean not giving myself the attention, and focus that I require – which means that I am not even able to see, and correct the points in my daily living, and participation that are objectively seen – worthless – meaning – that they are simply not effective points.

So I mean – here I want to suggest that you read this blog by Anna Brix Thomsen about how to fake yourself through school with top grades – because this is precisely what I am talking about here. In essence Anna describes how she during her education focused herself upon winning the competition, and getting the best grades – the top marks – but in doing that she completely compromised her actual learning, and her actual education – because she was so focused upon what was going on outside of her, how others saw her, and what type of value, and status she was able retain in the system; I mean – so this is the point – when competition becomes my focus – then I loose that which should have been my focus all the time – which is ME – MYSELF and my relationship with myself.

I mean – the very reason why I am at this stage not a effective, wholesome, and completely stable human-being is because all of my life have been focused upon competition and looking at what others are doing – instead of actually looking at myself and asking myself: “okay, what is it that you’re doing here?” – such a point of self-introspection haven’t been with me through-out my life because my attention as been “out there” instead of HERE with me within and as each moment of breath.

This is also why it’s so important to understand that this process can only be walked for, and as self – and that it’s simply redundant, and a waste of time to imagine myself to be something more than what I am, or through wanting to be something more than what I am, because then I miss the real point of actual walking here – and I miss facing the real nature of myself – and instead I become a illusion running around trying to hide my real character – instead of simply recognizing my real and true character and then disciplining myself to work with this point, and correct this point – in realizing that I must begin somewhere, and that a thousand mile journey begins with a single step – but it’s important to actually walk that distance and not utilize the mind and imagine that I’ve walked it – when I haven’t.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to quell, and remove my experience of myself as being worthless through competition, and through attempting and trying to win – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I mean – why simply not remove worthlessness? Why simply not allow myself to be here with myself without fighting myself, without judging myself, and in-fact allowing myself to live and be here in this life without considering, and defining myself as being worthless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that I require to compare myself with others, and compete with others to gain some sort of value, and a definition of myself that I am able to relate too – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I am in-fact limiting myself, and holding myself back from in-fact living when my focus goes to relationships, and goes to what others are doing, or not doing – and who I am in relation to those – because then I do not focus upon myself and my relationship with myself becomes compromised

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my relationship with myself through focusing upon comparison, and competition – thinking that I am enhancing my relationship to myself when I am apparently “winning” – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am merely in-fact destroying my relationship with myself because all of my focus becomes to be something for others to be recognized and feel good about myself – instead of in-fact developing myself within oneness and equality as breath to be a effective, and assertive individual – that do not move by reaction – but that instead invest time to develop self, and to enhance self in real actual practical application as moving with and as the physical here in each and every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give focus upon enhancing myself – and to change the point of competition – from competing to instead learning from others – appreciating that others are effective and that they are here to show me how I can develop that point of effectiveness in myself as well – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully embrace this point of appreciating that others are in-fact very good at what they do – and learn from them – I mean – why do I feel like I have to prove myself and win? It’s completely redundant – instead I accept and allow myself to learn, and expand myself – and further enhance my relationship with myself and this physical reality – to truly become a trustworthy, and stable individual in this world that is able to live in a way that is best for all in all ways

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear learning from others, and fear giving up competition – in fear that I will then loose, and that I will then recognize myself as being inferior – instead of allowing myself to drop this entire idea of more, and less – and realize that I am here in this world and that I exist of the same substance as everyone else – and that there is no actual real competition going on – I mean it’s not like there is a real and actual goal that I must kick a ball into because it all exists in my head – and thus I am in-fact fighting myself as others believing that if I let go of competition that I will loose instead of realizing that I can’t loose against myself – I mean that’s just delusional; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not once and for all let go of the point of wanting to win, and wanting to have approval – and instead appreciate others, learn from others, and be humble – and understanding that I will not loose anything what-so-ever in applying this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that really there is no such point as winning – I mean winning is only a energetic experience and not a actual physical reality – thus it’s quite insane that I strive towards this point and compromise actual physical education, and learning from others – to get to this point of feeling positive in feeling that I’ve won – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not BREATH and bring myself back here to the physical as breath – and to accept and allow myself to walk out of my mind and into the physical – and learn to appreciate the effectiveness of others instead of competing with the effectiveness of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that competition only leads to division, and it leads to jealousy, and fighting, and it doesn’t lead to sharing, and mutual benefit – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give to myself the understanding that I will not loose anything from letting go of competition – and that I will gain everything from letting go of competition – and that it’s only a decision that I must make too make a shift in my way of living – wherein I accept and allow myself to genuinely learn, and appreciate what others do that is effective – and if it’s practical – to apply it in my own life – as such expanding myself, and as such also the existence of all – because I am a part of all and not my own island so to speak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here to the physical – and understand that I can’t loose – because in essence competition isn’t real – it’s a made up concept that can only exist when I have an idea of myself as being something more than the physical here – otherwise I would simply be the physical expressing myself as the physical here – knowing that I can’t be more or less than the physical – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live, and fully embrace this understanding that competition can only exist when I am in my mind – and thus in every breath practice being fully here as my human physical body and as such stopping all highs, and lows – and instead living breath, by breath – here in every moment

Self-corrective statements

When I notice that I attempt and try to fix my experience of feeling worthless, through competing, and winning – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is not going to work – because winning is a polarity opposite of worthlessness – thus the solution is to STOP once and for all – and live HERE in oneness and equality; as such I commit myself to STOP and to instead LEARN from others – instead APPRECIATE others – and also – appreciate myself and stop fighting in understanding that I am sufficient and enough here as myself as the physical

When and as I see, and notice that I am focusing upon what others are doing, or not doing – and that I am competing with them to build up a idea of myself so that I am able to feel secure, and safe – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is simply self-abusive – and that it’s me not understanding the simplicity of living – which is to be HERE in every breath – and not needing and requiring more than simply being here with me – as such I commit myself to stop fighting myself, and others – and instead LEARN instead use others to EDUCATE myself – and to APPRECIATE others – and also within this APPRECIATE myself within oneness and equality

When and as I see that I am competing because I think that I am through competition apparently enhancing myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am not enhancing myself through competition – but merely loosing myself in my mind and missing to live here in reality in actual physical oneness and equality – thus missing the chance to be life here; as such I commit myself to realize that competition is never enhancement – as it’s always based upon a state and sense of inferiority – and that real enhancement is to live HERE and work with what is real – without a experience – without a self-definition – simply being here within oneness and equality – as breath – as what is best for all

When and as I see that another is effective in a point, and I go into competition – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am within this limiting myself because here is a opportunity for me to learn, and to observe – and to within that enhance my relationship with myself – as such I commit myself to stop competing and to practice humbleness – to LEARN and EDUCATE myself – and understand that I won’t loose anything within doing that – I mean loosing is in itself a mind-fuck – because if I am here as the physical as breath – have I then ever, or can I even loose something? I mean – no – because I am here – and in the next breath – I am here

When and as I see that I fear learning, I fear appreciating others, and fear letting go of competition – because apparently then I will loose; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that loosing is a delusion, loosing is a mind-fuck – and that I can only loose because I “feel” that I am loosing – I mean but in physical reality I am always here – just the same as I was before I apparently lost – as such I commit myself to humble myself and to walk through this fear – and to in-fact learn from others – and educate myself through looking at, and observing the example that I see others are walking – and as such enhancing my relationship with myself so that I am to become even more effective in my day to day living

When and as I see that I am compromising my actual physical process of learning, and education through going into competition – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – competition only is real when I give it attention, and I decide to act according to it – but it won’t have power over me when I instead change competition to real physical education – as such I commit myself to stop feeling inferior to the effectiveness of others – and instead LEARN and EDUCATE myself through the examples of others that I see in my world – and within this I accept and allow myself to be grateful for the support, and assistance that I receive

When and as I see that I within me glorify competition as something that will enhance my existence – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in giving attention to, and glorifying competition, I am in-fact missing LIFE – I am missing mutual benefit, mutual giving, and mutual enjoyment – and I place instead fighting before togetherness – I mean that is simply insane; as such I commit myself to honor physical living as that is real togetherness as being here within and as the physical in oneness and equality; as such I commit myself to live – and to walk here as a fully physical being and not as a mind in anyway what so ever

When and as I see that I in-fact consider in my mind competition as being real, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that competition is not a real physical fact – it’s a imaginary creation that I’ve participated within without understanding the consequences of this mental creation – as such I commit myself to bring myself back HERE – and realize that HERE as the physical there is no fighting, there is no competition – there is simply me expressing myself here – and as such I commit myself to stop the mind-job of and as competition and comparison once and for all

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