Lately I’ve faced some very intense reactions and these have primarily been based on perceptions, ideas and hopes for my future, and in that, an attempt to control what is to come in fear of what might come if I don’t. It’s been interesting to observe my mind and how it works when I am faced with these type of situations.
Let me give you an example, the context of the situation I faced was that certain variables in relation to a plan that I’d made up for my future changed, and accordingly the outcome of the plan change – now I had not clear ‘goal’ anymore. In relation to this there was two points that came up with the most force within me, and the first was that: I’ve wasted my time walking towards this goal! And the second was: What goal should I take upon myself now?!
So, here I am going to expand on this second goal, because I’ve found it fascinating how I really felt in need of a goal, of a plan, of a future outcome, of some type of projection into the future, for me to be motivated, and feel as if there is a meaning and purpose to me moving and directing myself in this moment here. Obviously, the common sense is that a plan is simply a plan, it shouldn’t be more than a plan, and it shouldn’t control me, rather, I should be able to control the plan, make adjustments, and fine tune whenever possible.
I’ve defined this particular character as the goal-addiction-character – and I’ve also realized that this is probably one of the most prevalent mind-patterns that exist in me, as well as in the rest of society – it’s this experience of a drive to get THERE instead of walking HERE to get there.
So, what is this drive then, what is it that makes me feel so secure, comfortable, and at ease when and as I have a plan that I am able to hold unto, and use to direct myself with in my life? Well, for me it’s a sense of security, and an experience of control – it grounds me because when I have a plan I feel that I know where I am going, whereas when I don’t have a plan I feel lost and don’t know what to do or how to do it. Though, even though I don’t have a plan, it’s quite obvious that I don’t have to feel lost, and without foundation, because the point is that I should be that foundation for myself, I should be and stand as that trust within and as myself, and it shouldn’t be something that I must find either in a plan, or in something such as a profession, hobby, or particular direction in life – I should simply stand as that point unconditionally – that stability: that regardless of what happens in my life I know one thing: I remain here – I stand here – I continue walking – and I continue pushing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use plans in order to stabilize myself and create a perception of safety and security within me, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to without plans, goals, and desires, and things I want to reach, and establish, that I am helpless, directionless, and without purpose – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not found my self-trust on me standing with myself in self-honesty in every moment of breath and thus not accepting and allowing myself to have my life be dependent upon me having a plan in order for me to be stable and move myself throughout my life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate within and as a goal-addiction-character that plays out in such a way that I will continuously fantasize and imagine about things that might occur in the future, and things that I might be able to do in the future, and what I might create, the jobs I will have and the career, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about the future, and within this not notice that when I do that there is a energy of adrenaline coming up in me, a excitement, and that it’s this point of energy that I am addicted to
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change this addiction, through accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to life, and become addicted to living here with my physical body, to living fully in every moment of breath and not anymore accepting and allowing my presence to wander in my mind in regards to the future, but rather make a practical plan, and then stick with that plan, and not anymore accept and allow myself to formulate future decisions on the basis of adrenaline, on the basis of energy, on the basis of ‘my experience’ – ‘my feeling’ – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base the trust in my decisions on the point of how much positive energy I feel in relation to them, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the more energy I experience in relation to a decision, that the better the decision is
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that the more energy, the more feelings I experience in relation to a particular imagined future, that the better that particular direction is, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this premise, and see that my future visions are mostly based on images, based on ideas and assumptions of what is to come, and based on how I’ve related experiences to particular symbols, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I am able to take those symbols back to myself here, and create myself as those symbols, as living words, and practicing living these expressions that I see I’d like to manifest for myself, here with myself in my breath, with and as my human physical body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that all my future projections reveal parts of myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to practice living, walking and standing as HERE within and as my day to day living – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not utilize these fantasies to investigate myself and see what it is that I am not yet giving to myself, and that I am hoping I would be able to get in my future; thus – I commit myself to investigate and define for myself the words purpose, passion, authority, stability, and excitement – because I see realize and understand that the nature of my dreams and fantasies are such that they show me what words it is that I am not yet standing as
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require fantasies in relation to my future to have a interesting life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my day to day living as being predictable, as being filled and obstructed with patterns, and routines, and think that I am not able to live and participate in this world and reality, because I require some form of entertainment to make it worthwhile – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that I require an energy, a movie reel playing out in my mind for me to be able to be satisfied, and at ease with myself, not realizing that satisfaction and ease of being, is in-fact a develop and created expression, and something that I must design, create, walk and live for myself, and not something that I am able to wait for another to do for me, or that I can hope fantasy will lead into
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that fantasies are more real than this physical life, and that it’s better to have a positive future in mind rather than living here, because apparently it’s to difficult, to hard, and to much of an effort to go through my life here in this physical world, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as this state of constant resistance, and fighting, and trying to defeat, and deflate this world, in believing that it’s out to get me, and utilize fantasies and imaginations as a method of escapism, a method of coping, trying to get through my life, and my daily physical responsibilities – instead of accepting and allowing myself to embrace what is here, to learn to direct and walk with what is here without reacting, without creating resistance, without judging, and as such developing myself to be an effective being able to move in the moment and direct what is here
When and as I see that I go into the goals-addiction-character, I stop myself and I bring myself back here – and I commit myself to change this point through bringing myself back here and becoming aware of my environment and what my life is HERE in this moment – to focus myself back on my daily responsibilities, on what is here with me in this moment, and the sensations of my physical body – and within this I see, realize and understand that my life is HERE and that I create myself HERE and that my future is the potential of what I am able to live and create myself as HERE in this moment
When and I see that I go into fear, and anxiety, and feeling directionless because I don’t have a plan or a goal, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I commit myself to align myself HERE – and to realize the direction is HERE, that stability is HERE, that self-trust is HERE, and that I am able to walk and face my life without knowing precisely what is going to happen and how it’s going to happen – and as such face and walk through my life from within and as a starting point of self-trust – and thus I commit myself to develop self-trust – in placing my trust in myself and not in future projections, goals or plans – and bringing myself back to the simplicity of walking in every moment here and directing and creating my life in every moment here