Tag Archives: Goal

Day 167: Addicted to Goals

Lately I’ve faced some very intense reactions and these have primarily been based on perceptions, ideas and hopes for my future, and in that, an attempt to control what is to come in fear of what might come if I don’t. It’s been interesting to observe my mind and how it works when I am faced with these type of situations.

Let me give you an example, the context of the situation I faced was that certain variables in relation to a plan that I’d made up for my future changed, and accordingly the outcome of the plan change – now I had not clear ‘goal’ anymore. In relation to this there was two points that came up with the most force within me, and the first was that: I’ve wasted my time walking towards this goal! And the second was: What goal should I take upon myself now?!

So, here I am going to expand on this second goal, because I’ve found it fascinating how I really felt in need of a goal, of a plan, of a future outcome, of some type of projection into the future, for me to be motivated, and feel as if there is a meaning and purpose to me moving and directing myself in this moment here. Obviously, the common sense is that a plan is simply a plan, it shouldn’t be more than a plan, and it shouldn’t control me, rather, I should be able to control the plan, make adjustments, and fine tune whenever possible.

I’ve defined this particular character as the goal-addiction-character – and I’ve also realized that this is probably one of the most prevalent mind-patterns that exist in me, as well as in the rest of society – it’s this experience of a drive to get THERE instead of walking HERE to get there.

So, what is this drive then, what is it that makes me feel so secure, comfortable, and at ease when and as I have a plan that I am able to hold unto, and use to direct myself with in my life? Well, for me it’s a sense of security, and an experience of control – it grounds me because when I have a plan I feel that I know where I am going, whereas when I don’t have a plan I feel lost and don’t know what to do or how to do it. Though, even though I don’t have a plan, it’s quite obvious that I don’t have to feel lost, and without foundation, because the point is that I should be that foundation for myself, I should be and stand as that trust within and as myself, and it shouldn’t be something that I must find either in a plan, or in something such as a profession, hobby, or particular direction in life – I should simply stand as that point unconditionally – that stability: that regardless of what happens in my life I know one thing: I remain here – I stand here – I continue walking – and I continue pushing myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use plans in order to stabilize myself and create a perception of safety and security within me, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to without plans, goals, and desires, and things I want to reach, and establish, that I am helpless, directionless, and without purpose – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not found my self-trust on me standing with myself in self-honesty in every moment of breath and thus not accepting and allowing myself to have my life be dependent upon me having a plan in order for me to be stable and move myself throughout my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate within and as a goal-addiction-character that plays out in such a way that I will continuously fantasize and imagine about things that might occur in the future, and things that I might be able to do in the future, and what I might create, the jobs I will have and the career, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about the future, and within this not notice that when I do that there is a energy of adrenaline coming up in me, a excitement, and that it’s this point of energy that I am addicted to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change this addiction, through accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to life, and become addicted to living here with my physical body, to living fully in every moment of breath and not anymore accepting and allowing my presence to wander in my mind in regards to the future, but rather make a practical plan, and then stick with that plan, and not anymore accept and allow myself to formulate future decisions on the basis of adrenaline, on the basis of energy, on the basis of ‘my experience’ – ‘my feeling’ – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base the trust in my decisions on the point of how much positive energy I feel in relation to them, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the more energy I experience in relation to a decision, that the better the decision is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that the more energy, the more feelings I experience in relation to a particular imagined future, that the better that particular direction is, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this premise, and see that my future visions are mostly based on images, based on ideas and assumptions of what is to come, and based on how I’ve related experiences to particular symbols, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I am able to take those symbols back to myself here, and create myself as those symbols, as living words, and practicing living these expressions that I see I’d like to manifest for myself, here with myself in my breath, with and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that all my future projections reveal parts of myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to practice living, walking and standing as HERE within and as my day to day living – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not utilize these fantasies to investigate myself and see what it is that I am not yet giving to myself, and that I am hoping I would be able to get in my future; thus – I commit myself to investigate and define for myself the words purpose, passion, authority, stability, and excitement – because I see realize and understand that the nature of my dreams and fantasies are such that they show me what words it is that I am not yet standing as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require fantasies in relation to my future to have a interesting life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my day to day living as being predictable, as being filled and obstructed with patterns, and routines, and think that I am not able to live and participate in this world and reality, because I require some form of entertainment to make it worthwhile – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that I require an energy, a movie reel playing out in my mind for me to be able to be satisfied, and at ease with myself, not realizing that satisfaction and ease of being, is in-fact a develop and created expression, and something that I must design, create, walk and live for myself, and not something that I am able to wait for another to do for me, or that I can hope fantasy will lead into

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that fantasies are more real than this physical life, and that it’s better to have a positive future in mind rather than living here, because apparently it’s to difficult, to hard, and to much of an effort to go through my life here in this physical world, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as this state of constant resistance, and fighting, and trying to defeat, and deflate this world, in believing that it’s out to get me, and utilize fantasies and imaginations as a method of escapism, a method of coping, trying to get through my life, and my daily physical responsibilities – instead of accepting and allowing myself to embrace what is here, to learn to direct and walk with what is here without reacting, without creating resistance, without judging, and as such developing myself to be an effective being able to move in the moment and direct what is here

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into the goals-addiction-character, I stop myself and I bring myself back here – and I commit myself to change this point through bringing myself back here and becoming aware of my environment and what my life is HERE in this moment – to focus myself back on my daily responsibilities, on what is here with me in this moment, and the sensations of my physical body – and within this I see, realize and understand that my life is HERE and that I create myself HERE and that my future is the potential of what I am able to live and create myself as HERE in this moment

When and I see that I go into fear, and anxiety, and feeling directionless because I don’t have a plan or a goal, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I commit myself to align myself HERE – and to realize the direction is HERE, that stability is HERE, that self-trust is HERE, and that I am able to walk and face my life without knowing precisely what is going to happen and how it’s going to happen – and as such face and walk through my life from within and as a starting point of self-trust – and thus I commit myself to develop self-trust – in placing my trust in myself and not in future projections, goals or plans – and bringing myself back to the simplicity of walking in every moment here and directing and creating my life in every moment here

Day 132: My Time = My Investment

Today I listened to an interview bought from the Eqafe store called ‘Why You Don’t Really Change?’ – and it was a fascinating exposé about what we should expect of ourselves in terms of changing ourselves.

The essence of the interview was that when we place a certain amount of time into writing, or applying self-forgiveness on a point, then this should be equally seen in the amount we change in our real-time living and application – if this isn’t happening = something isn’t right. And the point that isn’t ‘right’ so to speak, is that we are then not pushing ourselves to change – we are rather expecting it to happen automatically. To get the full gist of what is shared I suggest that you purchase the interview and listen to it yourself.

So, to make this knowledge practical, I am going to take a look at, and list where and in regards to which points in my world that I have spent much time investigating, writing, and applying self-forgiveness, but where I still don’t see significant change and movement.

I already know where these points are, and it’s primarily two points – and the first one is in relation to sexuality, and defining myself, and others according to ideas of beauty, attractiveness, and sensuality – instead of me seeing the person, and their body, for what it is – a body – a person – someone here in this physical reality together with me.

The second point is about irritation – a pattern of irritation that emerge as I wake up in the morning and that arise through me participating in backchat within the nature of blame, and feeling disturbed.

Thus these are the two points that I have still to effectively bring through into physical, practical and real change.

In regards to the first point – I realize that I have yet to establish an effective commitment statement that I am able to live and implement as these points arise – I have as such not given myself proper and effective direction. Thus, the practical commitment-statement I will live when these points arise of judging, defining, or looking at another from the starting point of an energy of attraction, arousal, or their opposites as disgust and resistance is that I will:

Take a breath, and be here with my body, realize that I am a body, and not a energy, and that this person before me is equally a body and not a energy, and that I can participate with them without a energy, because the physical is here regardless of what is my energy experience – and thus I commit myself to unconditionally let go of my energy – and participate here as a physical body – through being present of my breath, of my physical movement, of the physical sensations of that moment, and as such placing my focus and attention on what is here in this physical reality – as actual physical expressions – and thus move myself out of the energetic interpretation and experience in the moment; thus simplistically – I commit myself to interact with the physical – and be here with the physical – not in the energy

In regards to the second point, I see that I have not accepted and allowed myself to firstly, really stop the morning irritation, and neither have I accepted and allowed myself to change the general presence of myself in mornings, wherein I tend to be a bit depressed, and down, not really wanting to get on with my day – participate – move – interact – and be here with my physical world and reality, thus the correction I place for myself is that I will:

When I notice irritation and anger, to take a deep breath, and say NO – I will not go there – it’s unacceptable – I will instead remain stable and participate here in this physical world and reality without any form of energy – I thus commit myself to say stop, to mean stop, and to live stop – and I realize that it’s useless to say STOP – if I don’t MEAN stop – and LIVE stop

And in regards to my general experience of feeling down, and depressed in the morning, I commit myself to allow myself to ENJOY the morning – and be ACTIVE, EXPRESSIVE, and PARTICIPATE, and be HERE with this world and reality – which I can do through for example speaking – applying self-forgiveness with myself, playing guitar, laying down to read, or interact with the cats – the primary point being that I fully immerse myself in the act of LIVING and PARICIPATING here – and realize that I don’t need any energy in me when I wake up – and that I can get out of my bed – and immerse myself in the act of LIVING – and be grateful and jubilant that I have an opportunity to immerse myself in this process of living

Enhanced by Zemanta

Day 83: Success and Career

One pattern that frequently comes up in my mind has to do with attaining a future career, and being successful in that career. This comes up in the form of fears, and anxieties towards future events that will influence the grade I’ll receive on my courses. It comes up in the form a sort of excitement, and feeling uplifted when I do receive a good grade, or I think about the future in terms of where I should work, or what I should study on-top of what I’ve already studied.

Of what I am able to see, this pattern is based upon the fear survival, as well as the fear of what others might, or might not think about me, as well as the fear of being forgotten; that as I die nobody will remember me, and nobody will look at my life and say within themselves that: “this was a great life”.

success ladderCareer is a interesting word, it sounds like carrier – as if career is a point that carries one through life, that one utilize to define oneself, to feel good about oneself, and to feel that one’s life have some type of purpose. I mean, looking at how most people exist in this world it’s clear that career is one of these points that are highly valued in the human mind. And everyone goes and defines themselves according to their career, and this is also a fascinating point, because the consequence of defining oneself to only one point in this life will be limitation. For example – consider a painter that sees himself only as a painter, will that painter then if the opportunity opens to do so, allow himself to immerse himself in the field of international politics, or car mechanics? Probably not, because the painter sees himself as a painter, that is what he do, that is his life-path, and that is his career.

In a way our career is that which we lean on because we’re not able to stand with integrity and pride with only ourselves, we feel that we need something more out there to give us some sense of value – some type of medallion; and our career have become that medallion – but really it’s extremely limited, and in-fact our focus shouldn’t be upon who we can become “out there” – it should be upon how we can change ourselves both within, and without, to be the best that we can be – both to ourselves and others in our world, and environment – so that we can become a carrier of ourselves, and require to be carried by money in order to stand effectively in this world.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely upon money, and to rely upon a career, to rely upon my education, to rely upon my grades, to rely upon the system to give me a sense of purpose, a sense of meaning, and a sense of fulfillment, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist, and live in fear of being rejected, and pushed away from the system because this would imply that I loose all of that which I’ve defined myself as in relation to the system, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of my self-definition in relation to the system – to let go of the fear of not being “carried” in the system in a direction within which others will see me as “effective” and “strong”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have a carrier in the system, as a career, wherein I can become carried away and build a self-definition of myself as being a strong, and effective human-being due to what type of career that I am achieving – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose touch with life, to loose touch with the physical, to loose touch with that which is real, because it’s obvious that this which is real doesn’t require a carrier, it doesn’t require a career – because that which is here is simply here without any form of proof that it’s here; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to become carried through my life instead of standing with that which is real so that I stand here and that I don’t require to be carried

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a fear that I won’t achieve a effective career in my life, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear, and anxiety as what others are going to think about me if I don’t get an “effective career” and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly be worried, and fearful as to how others feel, and think about me, and to want to impress others, and show others that I have everything under control, and that I will be successful in this life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, bring myself back here – and to see, realize, and understand that success, money, and all that I achieve in this world will mean nothing when I die – and what will remain here when I die is simply ME with the question – “who am I? Have I in-fact lived, or have I merely been a slave to the mind?” – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of all things in this world and stand stable within and as me without feeling that I need to have something in this world to be stable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with making something out of myself in this life from a perspective of earning recognition, and earning appreciation from others, as being seen as someone that is effective, as someone that is strong, and as someone that has achieved in this life, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose perspective and not realize, that when I die, none of this will be of any relevance, and that what will be relevant is who I am, and how I’ve developed, and stabilized myself to be able to stand, and walk within and as oneness and equality with and as my human physical body, and how I’ve developed myself as the living word, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of all desires, wants, and needs to become someone in the system, to be important in this world, and to be recognized in this world, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give focus and attention to the points that are in-fact important – which is myself – which is my relationship with myself, and my relationship with the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not, when this fear comes up of not making it in this world, to immediately stop myself, and take a breath, and bring myself back here, and state within me that I won’t accept and allow to have my life become a monument to fear, a monument to desire, a monument to separation, but that I will instead push myself to make a life a living decision to walk what is best for all, to value life, to value support, to value actual expansion and not merely money; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make, and walk the decision, that I am here in this life, for a moment, to walk my process, and to within this support, and bring forth a new way of life that is best for all – a new human nature that supports life, and that gives as one would like to receive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed, and loose myself in desires, and dreams, and future projections, towards wanting to have a future wherein I have a successful career, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, and believe that I need and require a career, that I need and require money, that I need and require recognition in the system in order to be able to make something out of myself, and be satisfied with myself, and be effective within and as myself, and within my application of walking as life within oneness and equality with as my human physical body – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the system can’t offer me real stability, real satisfaction, and real comfort – because these are points that I must develop, create, and establish as myself – through practically living such words in each, and every moment of breath and within this not accepting and allowing myself to compromise my relationship with myself through focusing on what I apparently should become in the system to be satisfied with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, and desire to have a career, and to achieve in the educational system, and in the money system, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself too see and define myself as inferior, and as useless, and think that I must have a worth given to me by something outside of myself for me to be stable, and effective in my life, and living, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this is merely and excuse that I am using, for me to not stand up within and as myself, and to walk within as the system within and as self-direction, walking the principle of what is best for all, wherein I as such do not accept and allow myself to make out of my life a monument of supporting the current system of earth as abuse, but that I instead make my life, and each and every living moment, a monument of life – as what is best for all – wherein I contribute to stopping the abuse, stopping the rape of life – and instead bring forth a new way of living, and life that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself from following the fantasies, the hopes, and the expectations that come up in my mind of how I wish, and desire that “my life should become” – and instead push myself to remain here, to walk here, and to walk breath by breath – moment by moment – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here, and within this see, realize, and understand that when I go into and as the mind and accept and allow myself to become possessed with and as fantasies, hopes, expectations, and desires, I am in-fact compromising my living moment by moment application, and I am not allowing myself to life fully, to be fully present, fully here, fully able to direct what comes up here, and fully able to see what is here and direct myself according to what is here; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here, and within this commit myself to make my life, and each and every moment, a giving of myself to and as the physical, as allowing myself to merge myself with the physical, and become a living practical example of what is means to live fully here

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into fantasies, projections, and hopes about the future, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that my life, and real living, isn’t out there in a distant future, it’s not contained in a perfect career, in a so called stable life, it’s not to be found in money, and acquiring a top position in the system, but it’s instead to be found here in my moment to moment living application, and that is as such I am compromising myself when and as I accept and allow myself to go into these future projections, and hopes; as such I commit myself to practice, and perfect, walking HERE – living HERE – on a moment to moment basis – wherein my entire focus, presence, and beingness is here and not spread out in my mind in all sorts of illusory energetic dimensions

When and as I see that I am going into fear, and anxiety, worry, and concern, that my future will not turn out as I’ve hoped, and imagined it would turn out, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I do not have full control of my future, and this world is unpredictable, thus it’s really crazy to fear that my future won’t turn out as I’ve imagined it, because it won’t in way make it more certain that it will – and within this it’s also obvious that I won’t take with me anything when I die, and thus within this the question comes up: but is it then really worth it to worry, and fear about my future, my living, my money, and my direct reality – when it won’t in-fact have an effect upon who I am? As such I commit myself to bring myself back here and to focus my presence, and my awareness upon living HERE – directing each and every moment HERE – being completely here and not in my mind worrying, fearing, and stressing about an eventual future, and how this future might, or might not turn out to be

Enhanced by Zemanta