Tag Archives: grades

Day 170: Successful people… and ME!

Today I was hanging out with some friends and we were discussing career and future decisions, and appropriately enough, we happened upon the subject of what jobs we’ve had in the past. My friend then shared with me that he’d been to a renowned firm, a company that is big, and have a celebrated past, and actually: most of my fellow classmates probably have dreams about setting their foot in such workplace.

When my friend shared this with me I got literally stung with jealousy, I mean, it came up nothing short of a punch in my solar plexus area – and the nature of the experience was: NO! – lol – “He got it and not me!” – “I wanted to get it!”.

As they day continued, I noticed these peculiar thoughts popping up in my mind, where I could see that I compared myself to my friend, looked at my past, my education, my decisions, my life in general, and what type of opportunities that I’d manifested for myself, and then compared these with what I heard about my friend. And in doing this, I could see that I was taking myself into a experience of gloominess, and depression, and it felt as if I was attacking myself within, punishing myself that I didn’t create myself in the same way as my friend, and that I thus didn’t make sure that I go the same type of job, and the same type of life that my friend was about to step into.

So, if I take this back to common sense, and look at it, I am able to see that this friend of my represents my desires, and he shows me very clearly where I still exist within a state of competition, a state of fear, and a state of survival, and where I try to get ahead of others in order to feel good about myself, and to prove myself – and this is obviously not the point in life, it’s obviously not the point of why I am here – I mean, what purpose does it in-fact serve to get a super-good job, only to have that job and to feel better than others? It’s really meaningless and probably one of the big reasons why we human-beings have never managed to actually change anything in our world, because we’ve always been super-concerned with wanting to win, compete, and survive – so super-concerned that we’ve totally forgotten ourselves, our world, this system, our responsibilities and how it is that we’re affecting life on this planet with our actions.

Thus, my self-forgiveness today will be directed towards this particular point of competition, the competition that leads into jealousy, the jealousy being that point of feeling like a looser because another have something that I desire and want – and in this case: having a position in the world system that I’ve defined as envious and desirable.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous at another for having a job that is considered to be advantageous and desirable in the world system, and that is seen as being connected with having status, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to place myself in an equal position as this other person, and have a similar job, and have a similar career, and be in the top of the system, so that I am able to feel like I am winner – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my decisions, and movement in life on the basis of wanting to be a winner, and wanting to come out on top and in this not care about life, about this world, about humanity in its entirety but only care about myself, my desires, my experiences, and my future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself in such a way wherein I only care about myself, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a desire of wanting to place myself in the top brackets of the system, and have a job that others see as desirable – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to impress upon others and show them how much status and power I’ve in the system so that I can feel like I am winner, and that I am better than others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this particular point is coming from within and as a desire to be special, and to be unique, and to be termed, defined, and seen as a winner, and as being more than others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be satisfied and content with being equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist equality, because in equality no one is better than another, no one has more stature, status or power than another, all are on the same level, and all are of the same value and worth, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in competition, desire, and wanting to be the best, instead of realizing that my life will not contribute to anything when and as I accept and allow this to be my starting point, and my direction in life, and what I want to have, and what I want to create, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change my focus, and my direction, to instead start caring about others, start appreciating others, and making my life to be about changing, and contributing, and making a difference, and creating a life of worth, and value in this world system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a dog in a dog eat dog world – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept this game, to identify and define myself according to this game, and to believe that the only way to lead one’s life in this world is through playing this game, and making sure that I win this game, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself with and as my human physical body, and instead of living to win, live in such a way that I make everyone a winner, that each person that comes into my world is an equal, that each human being that exists in this world is an equal and thus deserves an equal opportunity, and an equal life, just as I do – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in the desire and strife to become more than others, instead of focusing my life upon how I am able to assist and support others, how I am able to assist and support life to come through, and become something more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a glorious career wherein I am seen by others as having a perfect life, having the perfect girlfriend, having the perfect family, having the perfect intellect, having the perfect personality, being successful and famous in each and every instance and part of my life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive for me, instead of accepting and allowing myself to change my striving, and instead strive to create, and found a difference in this world – and make my life to be about something tangible, something that I am able to touch, and have impact in this life, not only living for myself, and having my life become perfect, and desirable, but creating a life for all that is truly respectable, and dignified, and that all enjoy and where no one is compromised or left behind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire my life, and my future to be perfect, so that I can brag to others about, and feel superior, and above others in how effective, and strong I was in creating my perfect future, and my perfect life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lost in desire, instead of making the focus in my life to be about contributing to an existence, and a world, and a life that is heaven on earth – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to align my mind, and my daily living, and my daily considerations to take into account this aspect of actually making something worthwhile with my life, wherein worthwhile is not only something that means that my life is to be the best that it can be, but that I contribute to make sure that everyone’s life is the best life that they can possibly have – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that having an active mind is really only showing me that I am still selfish and that I don’t really care about another – and thus I commit and push myself to start caring about life – start caring about others – and making me an instrument of life that is here to contribute to life and a future that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with my life, with my future, and with my career, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to without consideration, without regard, without care, only focus on myself, instead of accepting and allowing myself to expand my perspective, and my view to include this world, humanity, earth, the animals, and everything that is here, and realize that in order to live a fulfilling life I require to give as I’d like to receive, I require to be a catalyst that makes life worthwhile not only for myself but for everyone in my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push and will myself to walk out of my self-interested mind and into physical equality – wherein I look at another as myself, I place myself in their shoe’s and I accept and allow myself to take responsibility for this world and how it has ended up looking – and as such commit myself to become a contributory force that lives to expand and create a life that is best for all – that means something – and that allows for life to flourish and grow to it’s utmost potential

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into future projections, wherein I dream about my career, about my life, my future, my potential, I stop, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that it’s through these dreams that I separate myself from the rest of humanity, from the rest of this existence, and from the rest of earth, and that in order to really contribute, I require to let go of my ego and my desire to win, and be special; and thus I commit myself to train myself to consider others, to care for others, and I commit myself to make my purpose in life to be that of contributing to the lives of others and to life on earth

I commit myself to daily selfless acts wherein I participate, walk and move myself to bring about a world that is best for all – where I act – and I move not for my own pleasure or satisfaction – but for the betterment of everyone – to create a world that is magnificent

I commit myself to expand my viewpoint and to include the rest of this world – and I commit myself to first train this point with learning to care about those closest to me in my world – and learning to show, share and live compassion with those that are in my immediate environment – and then expand this point to include the rest of this world and humanity

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Day 103: Real Value and Real Success

Since writing out my experiences in regards to the future I’ve noticed a definitive decrease in fear and anxiety – and this point was also present as I was writing my exams, even though I was nervous, there still was a stability within me, and I did not go into a state of acting in complete nervousness, I could still remain calm, and use common sense, and within this I am satisfied in terms of how I executed my exam.

Today I am going to continue writing on this topic of anxieties and fears in regards to career, school and exams – and today I am going to look at the point of how I am able to change and re-direct my starting point in relation to school and career, so that when I push myself to perfect myself, I do this not to gain a particular response as recognition, but I instead do it as and for myself.

This reminds me of an essay I wrote a couple of weeks ago, as I wrote it I was meticulous, I was precise, and the finished product was as near perfection as I could’ve gotten, yet still the mark I achieved wasn’t what I’d expected but lesser. I discussed what had happened with a being in my world, and she brought up the point of realizing that, in essence we’ve got no control over how others will interpret and respond to the work we produce, and that as such, the point to place value within is not how others respond, but in looking at ourselves, and whether we’re in-fact satisfied with our own creation – did we move ourselves in alignment with our fullest potential, is this work, this thing, an expression of myself, or only a robotically spit out piece of paper I’ve done just to get by?

See, the difference in the approach is that in writing from a starting point of myself, the paper I write become an expression of myself, and thus within that I can be satisfied with myself in knowing that I did push myself to make this product, this paper, a true expression of myself that I can stand by, because I can self-honesty say that I did give it my all, I did push myself to the utmost, and the creation is from the perspective, perfect; looking at it this way it obviously doesn’t matter what mark I will receive, what grade I will receive, because I know – that what I did was truly a masterpiece – a expression of myself – and this stands regardless of how I am evaluated in the system.

This point is cool, because in walking from this perspective, obviously there can’t be fear of loss, because I do not want a specific response, it’s not about how others react, it’s about me, and me pushing myself to express myself and not accept and allow anything less from myself than what and who I am.

Thus, in this I will change career, and school, from being a point of searching for recognition, to instead being a point of me express myself, perfecting myself, and becoming more effective and specific in the skills I have developed and in developing new skills.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not in terms of my commitments and responsibilities that I am walking and handling in this lifetimechange my starting-point – from wanting and desiring to be accepted and recognized, to instead walk my commitments and responsibilities from a starting point of me perfecting myself, me creating myself, and me expressing myself, and me not accepting and allowing anything less from myself than what I am able to stand as and express as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not in regards to my interaction and relationship with my school, and career, change the definition of the word success, to instead of being targeted to getting somewhere “out there” – realize that success is an expression of myself, is something that I can give myself, and that it’s not about what I become and do out there, but it’s about what I will accept and allow from myself and what-not – what I will push myself to stand, live, and walk as in my daily living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in instead of placing value in what response I receive, to place value on who I am, and how I walk, and how I apply myself in every moment, that this will remove anxiety, stress and nervousness, because then it’s not anymore about how others see me, it’s about me relationship with myself, which can’t be lost, because it’s HERE, and I have full control over this relationship, in that I decide to develop it, I decide to create it, I decide to perfect – and thus it’s not a want – it’s a simple practical point of being HERE with myself – and applying myself here to the fullest of my capabilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the solution is to shift my attention, from what I can out there, to instead see who I am here, how I walk here, and to within that, be self-honest with myself and strive to perfect myself and stand and walk to the best of my ability in every given moment

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into nervousness, anxiety, and fear in regards to what type of response I will receive on my application in the system, in regards to studies, career, and relationships – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that the solution is to change my perspective – and to look at, and develop my relationship with myself – to place value in who I am, in how I walk, and in how I apply myself; as such I commit myself to place value in my application of myself, and accept and allow myself to be satisfied with myself, when and as I know that I’ve walked to the utmost of my capabilities, and perfected a point – walked a point to the fullest of my potential – that is real success and not dependent upon how others respond or react to how I walk

When and as I see that I am worrying, and going into fear in regards to how other will respond to my application, on how others will see, experience and feel about my participation and contribution in regards to points I am walking in my world, then I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that real value doesn’t exist in how others respond to me, but it exists within my application, as the WHO I AM, as the what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow; and thus I commit myself to value myself, my participation, my discipline, my commitment, and my decision to walk, and how I am walking – and to develop this relationship with myself, and stop focusing upon how others respond and feel in regards to what I do

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Day 16: Test-anxiety – Fearing Dissatisfaction (Part 6)

Because I’ve started to study for my exams I will be less active on this blog the coming weeks – and the blog posts will not be as long.

Here I will continue to write about test-anxiety – and all the aspects, and dimensions of this particular mind-experience. Today I will write about an interesting point – the fear that I will become dissatisfied with myself unless I get the best grade.

An interesting point that I am able to see in relation to this point is that I’ve defined, and experienced dissatisfaction in relation to what grade I receive – which is the same as how my environment responds to my living – and within this I’ve not considered, or looked at me being dissatisfied, or satisfied with myself – myself being who I’ve been in relation to studying for my test, and doing the test; I mean – it’s interesting that I only consider the reaction I receive to my labor, and that I don’t consider my labor within itself – and that I simply disregard that point as being not relevant, while as a matter of a fact – it’s this point that is important.

Because – the WHO I AM point – that is the point that I am directly responsible for, that is the point that I know I am able to change – the other part of how my teachers will evaluate my performance – that is a point I have less control over – and as such it’s common sense that satisfaction, or dissatisfaction with myself – should not be in relation to something that I have no control over, but be in relation to that which I do have control over – and that I am directly responsible for.

And what am I then directly responsible for in relation to my studies, and what would imply me being satisfied with myself in relation to my studies? I can see that satisfaction should be something that I experience when I’ve studied for my exams to my utmost potential – when I’ve given it my all, and I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to compromise in anyway what-so-ever – but I’ve sat down, and read what must be read – and done my preparations for the test as effectively as I am able to do – then I should be satisfied with myself regardless of the outcome of the test – because I’ve done everything that I am able to do.

Dissatisfied with myself is something that I should be when I’ve not done everything I could do – but I’ve instead been slacking, not wanting to put in the time, and effort – not wanting walk that extra mile in order to truly perfect my knowledge within a certain subject, or learn the subject by heart – knowing everything automatically and being able to repeat it without effort – because I’ve integrated the knowledge into my very flesh. This is thus when I should be dissatisfied with myself – that is real dissatisfaction – to be dissatisfied because I get a bad grade – I mean – that is not something that is directly related to WHO I AM – and as such shouldn’t be apart of my experience of myself.

Surely – the WHO I AM affects and determines my grades to a certain extent – yet there is always that point of unpredictability, and uncertainty when dealing with the education system – where you can’t be sure how the teacher have responded to your efforts of bringing through the knowledge you’ve learned – as such – this external part as the grades – shouldn’t be the foundation within which I base my experience of me – instead I should be my own foundation – and this foundation should be directly related to my movement, direction, and participation in this world – as to whether this movement of myself is what is best for all – or not.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define satisfaction, and dissatisfaction in relation to external points in my world – that aren’t directly related to WHO I AM – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss myself, and to really – hide from myself – to not have to see that what reactions I receive in my external world is not – or doesn’t necessarily have anything to do about me – and as such it’s not common sense to define my experience of myself – to define who I am – according to my external reality as what reactions that I receive; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring dissatisfaction, and satisfaction back to myself – and live these words in relation to ME – HERE – as self-movement – self-direction – and participation in each and every moment – defining this words according to my ability to live what is best for all – being dissatisfied when I’ve not been capable of doing this – and satisfied when I’ve been capable of doing this

Self-commitments

When, and as I see that I am defining satisfaction, and dissatisfaction in separation from myself – looking at these words through looking at how others responds to me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I commit myself to bring these words back to me – and to when I look at whether I am satisfied, or dissatisfied with a particular point – to look at WHO I’VE BEEN in relation to the point – because that is my responsibility – that is my point within which I must take a stand – and as for my external reality – I am not in full control and not able to say that this point is something that I am directly responsible for – as such I commit myself to look at myself – my self-honesty – my participation – and my breath-to-breath living – when I evaluate whether I am satisfied, or dissatisfied with myself

Why is Law so Complicated?

Why is law so complicated? Why is law so hard to understand? Why is law so vast, so enormous, so extreme, and why do we as individuals have no direct say in what type of laws are legislated?

These are questions I’ve asked myself studying law at university. It’s a vast subject, enormous – so big that it’s impossible for one man to know all the laws that exists. Not even a lifetime spent reading laws would enable one to have a complete view of the judicial system. And that is quite fucked up, considering that laws are what make up our day to day interactions, laws are what make all things in society do as they do, or run as they run, from the big and the small – and most of us have no clue as to what regulations lie behind it all.

Isn’t that fucked up? That we as individuals are robbed of our ability to be self-independent,  to take informed and effective decisions – where we know what legal implications our actions have, what rights we have, and what obligations we have. If you don’t know the law system and the police arrests you – do you know that torture is forbidden? Do you know upon what legal grounds the policeman acts when he arrests you? Most of us don’t and we’ve never been supported or assisted to learn these things either, even though they are so crucially important, as laws define our societal structure and our day-to-day living.

Can we actually say that we are living in a democracy if not all people are given the same education, the same knowledge of the rules that govern our lives? No we can’t, because such a differentiation in skill and knowledge in-between people opens up the possibility for abuse and for manipulation.

An example would be a friend that I have as to a situation that he experienced. He was having a job of some kind and apparently he had the right to receive an extra payment of 5000 dollars, so his lawyer friend told him. So, he went to his job and asked to receive the money. He was denied and told that he didn’t have a right to have the money.

He then went back to his lawyer friend and told him what had happened. The lawyer said, ask to speak with the boss if they don’t give you the money. So, he went back to his job, asked again and was denied again – yet this time he said he wanted to speak with the boss. Upon uttering the words he was written a check of 5000 dollars.

I mean, what would this guy have done without his lawyer friend? How could he possibly have known about his rights? See, our system is so complex, vast, intricately designed that you don’t know your rights. You have no clue when a state official do something illegal, when your boss does something illegal, when you have the right to appeal and not – even though these things are very important to know! That is unacceptable – that there is such a gap between people, where the poor and uneducated becomes victims at the behest of those who know the rules of the game.

In an equal money system everyone would know the law. Everyone would know their rights and their obligations. There would be few laws, they would be clearly and understandably written – not accepting and allowing anyone to go unknowingly of the laws that dictate his or hers day-to-day living. And everyone would be able to point at these laws, without a lawyer, without the permission of anyone and state – look! These laws do not support what is best for all – I want it to be removed! And then it would also be removed.

That is real democracy. When everyone is equal in skill, understanding and have the same access to the information that governs one’s daily life. This is only possible in an equal money system. Where class, and higher education would not anymore differentiate people, as all would have access to the same opportunities and hold the same rights.