Tag Archives: happy

Day 379: Investigating Glee

In Sweden there is this saying, ‘glee is the only the real form of happiness that there is’. For me, this statement has held some truth, because for some reason, I have had a tendency of enjoying the displeasure/harm/discomfort of others a lot – sometimes a lot more than other forms of humor. I have not seen this as a problem, because I have felt as if the laughter coming from within and as glee has been unconditional and innocent – something I cannot really help – it just happens. However in looking deeper at this point, I have come to see that this laughter is only a veneer that covers deeper and at times more malicious intentions.

In looking at the general context in which I experience glee, I have been able to locate a couple of recurring elements. Firstly, the person at which the glee is directed (the trigger person/point) is showing something that I perceive to be a emotional or physical weakness, secondly I feel empowered/superior to the ‘trigger person’ because of this weakness. When these two elements come together at the same time I experience a intoxicating and bubbly feeling, that emerge from my chest, and that come through as laughter. The sound of the laughter is monotonous and more high pitched than my normal natural laughter.

Because the glee has come through physically as laughter I have justified its existence thinking that I cannot help myself, it is a natural expression, part of who I am, and I cannot do anything to change it. However, I am able to see that it is not innocent. It is a form of separation, where I am not emphatic with the person that triggers the glee. I do not see what he or she is going by standing in their shoes, I rather see the situation as entertainment and as something that empowers me. And obviously, when someone is having a difficult moment, this does not make me more than in anyway what-so-ever – and neither is the situation/moment entertaining.

The solution that I can see is to be emphatic and push myself to see the situation through standing in the shoes of the receiving person (‘trigger person/point’) – hence see it through their eyes and not my own – to allow myself to experience what they are going through and not watch it from a starting point of separation.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience, go into, and express glee when people in my life show what I perceive to be emotional or physical weaknesses

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not relate to others and their difficulties from a starting point of oneness and equality – but to see myself as separate – and see their plight as entertainment – instead of standing one and equal and seeing the situation by standing in their shoes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand in the shoes of another and experience life from their perspective – to thus stop viewing life as separate from me, to view people as separate from me, to view the system as separate from me, and apparently there for my entertainment and my pleasure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become gleeful when things go badly for others instead of seeing the consequence as them – seeing the situation as them – and within this seeing their pain as my own – and relate to the situation from such a starting point of oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become gleeful instead of being emphatic and seeing the situation as a part of myself and not as something separate that is here to entertain me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the misfortunes of others as entertainment – instead of standing as empathy and relating to the people – seeing them as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel empowered and superior when and as I perceive that another is showing emotional, physical or feeling weaknesses

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh, enjoy myself, and amuse myself at the expense of another, when and as I perceive myself to be more powerful than another, due to a perceived emotional or physical weakness in another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself justify laughing and amusing myself within and as glee thinking that laughter and amusement is always innocent, is always trustworthy, and it is something that I can always do without harming or influencing another negatively – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question myself, to question all of my experiences, all of what I am, seeing, realizing and understanding that I will only ever know what is real, if I question and then see the very origin of the point within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify laughing and amusing myself at the expense of another thinking that it is innocent and without a ulterior motive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify glee thinking that it is innocent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow glee in my life, as a normal part of my life, because in my family, glee was a normal part of life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I cannot use my family as a benchmark for what is acceptable and what is not acceptable – because my family has not proven themselves in writing – showing that their nature stands within and as the principle of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop glee within me when it arise and instead apply empathy – to see the pain, discomfort of another as one and equal and not as a separate point of amusement or entertainment – but as a part of myself – and thus approach from within the context of looking at how I am able to ameliorate and move this pain into a solution

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself becoming gleeful, as I am faced with a trigger point, such as a person that is exposing something that I perceive to be a emotional or physical weakness, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand – that gleefulness is not supportive – it me using the pain and discomfort of others as entertainment and to feel empowered – obviously that is not a supportive solution and it does not change a thing for the person experiencing the discomfort – and hence – I commit myself to change this point to instead stand as empathy – to see the point of perceived weakness as my own – to not separate myself from it – and then move myself to find solutions to direct this weakness into and as a strength – and move the moment to become a moment building towards a world that is best for all


Learn more about this way of living:

Advertisements

Day 378: The Art of NOT Teasing

Teasing, something that I have grown up, and that has been a part of my family dynamics since as far back as I can remember. Unfortunately, teasing, all though at certain times it is something that can be enjoyable for both the giver and receiver, is too many times done inappropriately – at least – this has been the case with me. And I have begun to question WHO I AM within teasing and consequences of this way of expressing myself when I do it  without considering or being receptive to the responses of another.

Let me first properly define teasing, so we all know what I am talking about. These are some of the relevant dictionary definitions of the word.

  • To make fun of (someone) playfully or taunt annoyingly.
  • To say in a playful or mocking way.

Teasing becomes problematic when it is done from within and as a starting point of self-interest, then instead of being a playful moment of interaction, it becomes about enticing (manipulating) a certain response in the other person. This way of teasing tends to elicits positive feelings and experiences in the giver, a inner experience of satisfaction and pleasure, triggered by successfully being able to push the buttons of another. At that point it stops being innocent and mutually enjoyable, and instead, it becomes a matter of one individual using another for his or hers own personal gratification – and this is not acceptable.

Thus, there are two forms of teasing, the one, done from within and as a egocentric starting point where others are used as entertainment, and the other form of teasing, is done in playfulness, consideration, and respect for another. The latter form of teasing is about two or more mutually enjoying a moment of play and interaction – there is EQUALITY – something that does not exist in the former way of teasing, because there it becomes abusive and about fulfilling the needs of but one of the participants.

In my own life, I have noticed that I tend to start with a playful/supportive teasing, where both I and the other enjoy the moment. That in turn makes me even more playful and excited, and it is when I start to experience, place my focus on and live out these energies that I lose touch with REALITY and the other person. I will so to speak, take it too far – and then – without noticing or seeing how it happened – the recipient will be upset/angry/irritable – and that playful/enjoyable interaction will be lost. It is thus easy to see, that the problem and mistake that I make, is that my focus is internalized and directed towards how I experience myself energetically, and I do not keep my attention directed towards my physical reality and the interaction itself. Because, if I would have been perceptive to the other person, I would never have missed how they initially reacted/responded to my words. And the moment that I noticed, I could have made the decision to not take it any further, but to stop and ground myself – and speak/interact in a way that is mutually supportive.

Teasing, it resembles the word taser, and a taser has the specific function of transferring a massive load of energy and elicit a destructive response in the receiver – and that is very much like the destructive form of teasing – eliciting a response in another without regard or concern. Being a tease, is to lead someone on sexually, and then leave them unsatisfied, also that very much like the destructive form of teasing – where we elicit reactions in another to make us feel good – without consideration for another. Thus – it is clear that teasing is a supportive and enjoyable expression – however – it must be done in EQUALITY – it must be done from a starting point of mutual enjoyment/consideration/support/concern – if not – then it is abusive – and it will create a lot of consequences – unnecessary fights and conflicts being one of them.

Teasing, as with most other forms expressions, is not bad in itself – it is all about WHO WE ARE within it. If we are HERE, present, and together with the other person – teasing can be an awesome, enjoyable, and fun way to interact – however if we are not HERE with the other person – teasing will be a ego-driven activity which will create a lot of consequences in your relationship with another.

The SOLUTION for me: When teasing, make sure that I am here, present and together with the other person, and that I am considering, regarding and treating them as an equal.


Learn more about this way of living:

 

lots_of_stuff

Day 338: Have You Become A Stuff Protector?

“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

George Carlin

Stuff, things, pretty things, expensive things, nice things, old things, entertaining things, desirable things, unnecessary things, all these are part of the average lifestyle of the first world country human being, from beginning of life till the end, we are overwhelmed with stuff. We value the concept of ownership tenaciously, and most of us strive to expand our sphere of ownership in various ways – mostly through career and money – but also through experiential ownership in the form of memories, spiritual, religious or adventurous experiences, thoughts, education, and more. Objectively speaking, ownership is a not a problematic or consequential concept what-so-ever. To own is simply a verb that defines the action of having physical or mental control/possession over something. However, when ownership becomes feeling/emotional-based – and when we start to define OURSELVES – WHO WE ARE – according to our possessions, that is when this lifestyle must be put into question.

I recently read an article about a wealthy person that had been part of a long and tumultuous divorce process stretching over several years – and in the process – he had lost most of his belongings to his former spouse. What I found fascinating was how this individual, even though years had passed, was still investing time, effort and energy, in pursuing more court procedures, attempting to get back the things that he had once owned. In this person, I could clearly see the disturbingly  addictive quality that money and ownership can have, where without us being really aware of it, what we value and pay attention to slowly changes from ourselves HERE – to what we own, to our things, and what we want to have, and what we already have. What takes a back seat is LIVING – and what becomes the primary focus is MONEY and expanding our sphere of OWNERSHIP.

As I read this article, I could not help but reflecting on my own life, and how I have changed in many ways similar to this person since I was young. Because, when I was younger, from my years as a baby to my later teenage years, the focus within me was more on PHYSICAL living – and as I aged – this focus slowly started to change into money and ownership. I could see this pattern playing out even clearer as my partner and I built a house together. When the house stood finished, I started to have experiences and thoughts that were previously unknown to me. For example, a mistake that had been made in the building process, the shower was not placed correctly and as I had imagined it, that started to gnaw on me, and emotions came up of regret, judgment, fears and anxieties, all because my greatest and most valuable possession (the house I live in) was not built as perfectly as I desired, and thus, was not worth as much money as I had expected.

I took a while for me to realize what was going on, and how, instead of me using and owning my possessions as a practical part of my daily life, my possessions were internally owning and possessing me through constantly being in the back of my mind.

“He who looks after, takes care of things; forgets by and by that things were meant to serve him, and it does not strike him now when he started to serve them.”

Osho

Osho made some interesting observations about ownership. One of these is how we make ourselves a slave to our things when we relate to them using emotions or feelings, and thus make them part of WHO WE ARE – and by implication – making ourselves dependent on our things to be WHO WE ARE. For example, a master can only be a master if he has a slave, if the slave disappears, the master looses the thing he used to create his self-definition – thus causing inner conflict.

What can be learned from all of this? The way I see it, the point to understand is that possessions, things, stuff, are not part of WHO WE ARE – we were not born with them and we will not be able to take them with us when we die. The house that I built, and that I now live in, the various physical parts that constitutes the house were here before I was born, and they will continue to be here when I have died, maybe in the form of a house, maybe in some different shape – in any case – the house does not define me. Sure, I use the house, I live in it, and I can appreciate the various creature comforts it provides, but it does not define me. And that is the key to joyful living – to be IN this world – YET – not OF this world. To keep our jobs, care for our possessions, tend to our bodies, yet never forget that these things does not make us.

Children are inspirational examples that show what it means to be in this world yet not of this world. Children, they are not yet defined, limited, and confined within a certain lifestyle, position, or career – they are free to express themselves regardless of where they happen to be at the moment – and that is something we should all strive to create within ourselves – the FREEDOM to express even though we happen to live in a limited system that seldom allows us to bring that point of expression into full application.

I would like to end of with sharing one important point of consideration that I have come to realize with stuff. Many seem to believe that it is the stuff we own that ties us down, makes us materialistic, egoistic, possessive, and self-interested – that makes us forget the unconditional joy we could access as children – however – this is not the case. We must not accept and allow ourselves to blame our stuff, or believe that we through getting rid of stuff can erase and change our relationship with this reality and the stuff that populates it. Because the problem is and has always been ourselves, and our relationship with ourselves. Most stuff that we desire and want are but projections of our own inner state of lack, only there because we have not created ourselves to live according to our utmost potential – and thus – our desire to consume and acquire more things is in actuality a misdirected attempt to fulfill ourselves. It is the same process that occurs when people start to mold and shape their bodies to resemble images portrayed in media, believing that by attaining such a picture perfect body image they will feel whole and fulfilled – that is not the case – it is an illusion.

Hence, if you notice movements within yourself in relation to the things you own, it is a cool cross-reference point, because then you know that there are still points to work with. A feeling of desire towards owning more entertainment gadgets could imply that you are not yet sufficiently capable of entertaining yourself, or creating an entertaining life for yourself. The correction is thus not to sell your television, but rather to look at the underlying issue that creates the experience of desire.


Learn more about this way of living:

 

 

Day 332: Facing The Dark With A Smile

Relationships, often portrayed with positive words such as love, appreciate, protect, secure, adore, etc., however, the truth of a relationship is something different. In Sweden, my country of birth, the divorce rate is at 50-55 % in relation to the amount of people getting married, and the median marriage lasts for 10 years. From those numbers it is not a big leap to say that the portrayed image of relationships is not wholly accurate. And expressed coarsely, the image broadcasted of relationships is outright deceptive. Without a doubt, the major part of any relationship consists of conflicts, misunderstandings, compromises, emotions, competition, and all other forms of dysfunctional human behavior that we all inherit and learn as we come of age. That is not strange considering that we always bring our baggage as we enter into a new relationship, it is thus, impossible to create a lovely and peaceful paradise on this earth – UNLESS – we have created OURSELVES as that in our individual capacity.

There is though ways to deal with the ‘human element’ that we unfortunately bring with us as we enter into a new relationship. In this blog I am going discuss one important tool to use in the creation of a comfortable and supportive relationship – HUMOR – or – the ability to be CAREFREE in the face of adversity. This point opened recently for me as I have noticed a tendency that I have to take things very seriously. For example, I will have a discussion with my partner that then becomes more of a intense disagreement, where emotions arise within me. Instead of looking at the reason for the conflict, and why I reacted, and how to solve it, so that I do not need to walk through the same conflict situation again – what I have done is that I have focused on the idea that it is WRONG to have conflicts/arguments. And instead of expanding myself, approaching conflicts from this judgmental vantage point results in suppression of what is really going on within me.

Suppression is and has been the modus operandi of us human beings when it comes to dealing with difficult shit since ages back, and it is so clearly visible in our society. What is prison, punishment, and social exclusion but a suppression mechanism, where we remove the ‘bad’ and ‘unwanted’ dimensions of our communal experience and put it away, far away and hidden from our immediate sight, instead of looking at WHY, and HOW it happened, and what SOLUTION there is to deal with the problem once and for all? The technique of suppression is also readily applied in parenting. When children cry, or behave ‘badly’, we look at ways to suppress the behavior, either through rewards, such as praising, or sweets, or through punishments, and consequences, though seldom, we look at the cause and origin of the troublesome behavior – and hence we miss out on the opportunity to create a sustainable and long-term solution.

The question to ask ourselves is thus, WHY do we have such a difficult time in looking at the DARK, MALEFICENT, HORRIBLE, and UNWANTED within ourselves, our relationships, and society? From what I have already touched upon above, one of the reasons for this is because we JUDGE it, we are too uptight about it, we take it personally, react to it, believe it is something bad, and that we must just, immediately, without further consideration, put it away – far away.

Hence, getting back to relationships, what is then the solution for this way of looking at the dark within ourselves? How can we assist and support ourselves to ease up and be less serious about the shit that is going on both within and without? The way forward as I see it is HUMOR – because it has the property of taking the edge of things, to make things seem silly, and remove that big, heavy reaction of something being sooo BAD. And here, I am not saying that humor should be the end point, because obviously, we have to learn from our mistakes, reflect and look at them, in order to move forward – however – if we look at our mistakes in a state of reaction – our focus will become misplaced. Instead of unconditionally looking at ways to improve, our focal point will be on determining how bad we have been, and how we must now punish ourselves, to apparently through that, motivate ourselves to not be bad again. Though, it is not important to determine how bad, and wrong we have been, that which is of real substantial value is to find a lasting, sustainable solution for the future, so that we are able to prevent further consequences.

HUMOR sounds like YOU-MORE – because through humor we are able to get back to that CAREFREE state of looking at things unconditionally – and thus we are able to SEE more of ourselves – see the reality of things – because humor disarms, it cuts through the defenses, and it allows us to get a glimpse of what is actually going on, which then puts us in a position to implement changes.

Hence, conflicts, disagreements, and in general, shit that happens in a relationship, a way to disarm the seriousness of it all is through HUMOR – through seeing the stupid shit that we do and that it is many times totally insane – how can we fight and argue about such pointless things and believe that it is absolutely a matter of life and death to get our version of the story heard? It is insane, and that is what makes it so HILARIOUS. Humor, hence, is an important tool in the creation of a effective relationship with our partner, and ourselves.

And how to then practically apply humor in a moment? Well, let us say that we are in a situation where I am having a disagreement with my partner about whether or whether not to tidy up after myself when I have used the kitchen, where I will then go to great lengths to explain, and win my partner over, to my way of dealing with the kitchen, where apparently my way of doing things is of great practical value. Instead, I could in that moment see how ridiculous it is that I am standing here, talking about such a absolutely insignificant thing as to how to clean the kitchen, defending my way of doing things with all I got, when it really has no value or importance to me at all.

Learn more about this way of living:

Day 290: All-one or Lonely?

On a recurring basis I have an experience of feeling very lonely, misunderstood, and diminished, and this in relation to friends, acquaintances and other relatives. The core of the experience is that I think/believe that I do not fit in, and that I have done or said something wrong, which makes me lonely, and everyone else, a part of the family and social experience. Today I am going to look more closely at this experience.

The first thing I noticed as I brought this experience up within me is that it is a emotion (negative), and hence, there must be a feeling (positive) that I am also participating in. Fascinatingly enough, the positive side of this equation has not bothered me, because it feels good to be included, loved, and accepted. What I have not considered in those moments though is that to feel included, loved and accepted, I must also have, and participate in the other polarity, as no energetic polarity can exist with and by itself.

Hence, the first question, when have I throughout my last week felt included, loved and accepted? Well, I see that this happened as I communicated with a friend of mine, and after the talk, which I felt went really good, it was a deep, and intimate, I felt included, and accepted, as if I was an important part of my friends life. Then, some days later, as I was sitting with my friends again, they were all talking with each other, yet I had nothing to say, and so I sat back and observed them. I did not feel invited and tended to by them, and afterwards I started to feel lonely, misunderstood, and rejected. And there is the polarity.

Now, what is the core issue here? What is there core point that I am missing, and the word that is required to be redefined? From what I can see, one word that I require to redefine is Friendship – because that is basically were a lot of these experiences, both negative, and positive, arise from. The problem is that the word friendship is currently this positively charged word, which I have seen as the origin of such points as acceptance, and value – and hence because I have polarized the relationship with the word friendship it creates various energetic conflicts within me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for friendship, closeness, intimacy, and value in others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself as these words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for a role in the lives of others, where I feel that I am a part of something, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/define myself as being a part of life – as life – not seeing, realizing and understanding that I do not have to struggle, fight, and force myself in this life to be accepted – but that I can accept myself and stand as a part of life as life itself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to polarize the word relationship, and friendship, to exist within and as a positive polarity of feeling included, and a part of something, and a negative, of feeling lonely, pushed away and excluded – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself through living this word from within and as emotion and feelings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for intimacy, comfort and closeness with others, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the most important relationship in my life in which I require and have to establish intimacy, openness and comfort, which is with my own relationship with myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the word relationship and friendship as parts of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a drive to be accepted and to feel comfortable, a part of, and close to others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in pushing myself to exist in such a state, I am compromising and loosing myself, because I am not standing stable and firm within my purpose and direction in this life, and here I see that it is obvious that my purpose and direction in life is not to be accepted by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my integrity and my principles to be accepted by others – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view it as a superior success and completion when somebody seems to like me and they confer with me some of their bullshit – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself to have that in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to live the courage of walking my life with integrity and standing by my principles – where for example – I do not accept and allow myself to talk badly about others in order to be accepted – and I do not accept and allow myself to gossip or participate in gossip to feel included and accepted by a group of people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is easy to loose sight of what is important when in the world system, when in relationships, such as job relationships, and thus I commit myself to at all times keep an overview of things, keep a perspective, to see that my job and the relationships there are very specific in my life, and are not there to give me a feeling of closeness and intimacy, and that I am doing my work to survive, and pushing myself to be specific and walk my job description as effectively as possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when and as I accept and allow relationships to become my priority, then I loose perspective, then I loose sight on what is important, on what is relevant, and on my perspective on life – and thus I commit myself to stand with my perspective – seeing that I am walking this life to create what is best for all – to walk and create a purpose that I see is best for all – and in that I will stand with my integrity and principles – and I will not accept and allow myself to compromise myself to be liked and feel a part of something – as I will instead push myself to be effective, specific and disciplined in walking the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if I am going to live my life to be accepted by others and feel a part of the lives of others – then I am going to miss my life – I am going to miss myself – and I am going to become unfocused and loose my direction – as I am constantly looking at others – how others are moving – how others are thinking – what others are saying and not saying – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself – place the focus on ME – on where I am going – on what I am doing – and thus not accept and allow myself to loose myself and my direction through becoming all concerned with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the positive experiences of feeling included, feeling a part of something, feeling liked, and embraced, when I am participating with other people, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when and as I am participating in the positive, I am also creating the negative, thus creating the state of being of feeling excluded, inferior, pushed away and rejected – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to walk my life in stability – and fully express my potential – I must and require to stand alone – stand by myself – and not have this weakness in my of looking to others for safety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look in others for feeling safe and comfortable – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realizing and understand that I can stand as that point myself – and that I do not need and require someone else to be my safety and comfort – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself to have another like – so that I can feel they are my safety and comfort

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can develop that strength in me to be able to stand through all situations and stand alone – stand without anyone having my back – standing in this life – in this system – strong and stable – and not accepting and allowing anything to get to me – as I remain within and as breath and remain clear in my direction, my principles and my integrity – and remember/have an overview – as to why I am here and what I am doing in this lifetime

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into a state of feeling positive, included, liked, and embraced, as I am participating with others, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that when I am participating in the positive, I am equally creating the negative, thus, I am creating emotions for myself that I will have to walk through at a later stage – and thus I see, realize and understand that in order to fully stand stable in my life – I cannot accept and allow myself to remain within a positive state of feeling – thus I commit myself to participate with others in my life from a starting point and experience of stability – of silence – of standing with and as my human physical body here as breath

When and as I see myself going into a state of negativity, as feel rejected, pushed away and lonely, when or after I have participated with others, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this way of approaching relationships is not effective, as I am making my life about others, and being/feeling included, not about me walking this life, and standing with the purpose that I have given to myself, and what I want to build/create with and as my life – and thus I commit myself to stabilize myself – to remind myself of what is important – to keep my perspective and stand with my purpose as to what I am going to do in this life – so as to not loose myself in irrelevancies

Day 274: Getting Out Into The System

office-partyIn my process of birthing myself as life from the physical I have had the tendency of isolating myself from the rest of the world. I have always thoroughly enjoyed my own company, and the process of writing, and applying self-forgiveness, and designing self-corrective statements have never been any hurdles to me. Hence, if given the choice of for example going to some type of festivity or being at home with myself – without exceptions I have opted for the latter. This has its pros and cons. The pro is that I have developed a deep and intimate relationship with myself, because I have spent so much time investigating myself. The con is that because I do not get out very often, I have not had the feedback/stimuli of the system in my daily living to measure where I am in my process and where I still need to put down more time and effort to change.

So, yesterday I was part of a festive occasion. Many people, alcohol, food, and all of those things we tend to associate with festivities was present. Now, the one thing I noticed about myself at this festivity was that I was not comfortable in speaking and interacting to others when it came to these ‘social’ and supposedly ‘fun’ and ‘witty’ conversations. I am not sure whether you, the reader, can relate, but what I am trying to describe is those interactions were the two participants are ‘supposed’ to be in a light, playful, and witty mode, and have some form bantering. On the television we can find this type of witty banter in for example talk shows.

However, I am not comfortable with these witty banters, and actually, I am not very comfortable with the entire scenario of ‘forced socialization’ that occurs at parties. I tend to become anxious, nervous, and held back in my expression – and as far as I can see – the reason for this is because I do not trust myself. Instead of me allowing myself to be me, I am trying to be someone/something that I believe is fitting to occasion of a ‘festivity’ – for example: A funny and enjoyable person.

It was very interesting to observe my reactions towards others at this party. And in particular this experience within me that I did not feel as if I was ‘funny enough’ or ‘social enough’ or ‘into the atmosphere’ enough. And when I spoke to people, a recurring thought within me was: ‘Wow, they must probably think that I am boring to be around’. This shows my current relationship with festivities and social interactions – I believe that I must be something – that I must play a part and that I am not enough by myself. Because if I would have been relaxed, and at ease with myself – ACCEPTING MYSELF UNCONDITIONALLY – there would not have been any nervousness or anxiety. Instead I would have walked into the environment, clear on who I am and where I am standing, clear on the point that I define who I am.

What I see as a solution to this experience of me holding myself back, becoming stiff, and stale around others, is for me to practice self-acceptance – and self-acceptance in this instance would be for me to remain with breath and accept and allow my genuine natural expression to come through. Thus, not try to emulate anything more or less – not try to hide parts of myself, or reinforce others, not try to make a show – instead breathing – being relaxed in my body – and interacting naturally – and within this being at peace with the fact that others might not define/see me as funny or enjoyable to be with. But – why should I accept and allow that to bother me? If I am accepting myself, if I am fulfilling myself, if I am standing with myself, there nothing amiss regardless of how my environment responds.

The solution hence: SELF-ACCEPTANCE – SELF-LOVE – and LIVING these words through bringing myself back myself here when I am approaching a social situation – making sure that I stand stable within myself and that my starting point is here – with and as my human physical body – that I feel my breath – that I feel the tips of my toes – that I feel the tips of my fingers – that I make sure my back is straight and that I am not slouching – that I am physically HERE in the way I present my physical body – Living the statement that – THIS IS WHO I AM – I AM HERE.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to emulate an expression of being enjoyable, or fun to be with, when speaking with others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to fit in, and be normal, and express myself as others would expect me to, when it comes to witty bantering, and being part of social circumstances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to emulate an expression of me being normal and fitting in – and thus within this tighten myself – go into a experience of pressure and strictness/control within myself – where I try to read the situation and put forth a face that I hope others will accept – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am not accepting and allowing myself to be stable within – and live self-acceptance – live self-love – and bring through that point into reality through not accepting and allowing myself to try to be as I think that others want me to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be like I believe others want me to be – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being myself in fear that others are not going to accept me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being accepted by others – believing that if others do not accept me this will put my survival at risk in this world – and this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my survival to others accepting me – instead of understanding that survival and me directing this point is not so much about acceptance from others – as it is about me standing disciplined and committed in relation to the points in my world that are the source of income for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being accepted by others – believing that others acceptance of me is vital for my survival – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise and suppress my genuine natural self-expression to be accepted by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel worthless, and filled with emotions of sadness, and disgust, when I believe that someone is not accepting me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value these emotions and believe that they are signifying something real – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that emotions are merely energy – that I have built up through participating in a polarity of feeling/emotion – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead bring myself back to and as my human physical body – and push myself to have that be my starting point of self-creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself around others to fit in – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted my natural genuine self-expression – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that there is something wrong with the way I am naturally – and believe that I am not sufficiently expressive and warm with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself around others in fear of being rejected – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define rejection within and as emotional experiences – instead of understanding that rejection is simply a physical pushing away – and does not mean that I am less than – or worthless – or that I require to judge myself in someway or another – hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself and believe that I am not right the way I am naturally and in my genuine self-expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is appropriate and normal to change myself around others and to have several faces towards the world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my shape shifting personality through thinking that the way I am naturally will never be accepted – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is not about being accepted – but about me accepting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not about being accepted by others – but that it is about me accepting and recognizing myself – me allowing my genuine and real expression to come through – me trusting myself and not accepting and allowing myself to loose balance and touch with myself when I visit festivities and when I am out in the system moving around

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others in system – and believe that I need/should be like them – and have the same personal relationships – the same type of social interaction – and be similar to others – and think that there is something wrong with me when I am not living/participating as others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is not necessarily something wrong with me – that it could instead be – simply that I am not the same as others – that I do not work in the same way – that I do not function in the same way – and thus that my express and living is not the same as what others expression/living is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tense up when interacting with others in the form of witty bantering – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am tensing up – because I do not know how to be – how to behave – what to express – what to show around another to ‘fit in’ – and this is the problem – that I am trying to ‘fit in’ – instead of me accepting and allowing myself to be natural and genuine – to be myself and not try to be something more than myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I do not have to be this social machine of perfection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation within me that I should be able to fit in with people – that I should be able to create a funny, comfortable social situation – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not necessarily so all the time – that sometimes I might not have anything in common with another – and thus there is nothing to talk about really – and – that is completely okay – I do not have to force points – I do not have to force a social comfortableness – it is okay that things are at times systematic and not in anyway personal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to force a social feeling of belonging to my work environment – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my work to become more than my work – to want my relationships with colleagues to be more than practical and systematic relationships – and believe that there is something bad with designing and planning my relationships to be systematic and practical – and within this I see, realize and understand that there is no such problem – that sometimes a relationship can only come to its fullest potential when the relationship is practical and systematic – and there is no personal shit involved – it is all about the context of that particular relationship – where in the context of work – the fullest potential of a relationship would be to as effectively as possible complete the work with the utmost quality possible

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a pressure and state of anxiety, and strictness within myself, when communicating or interacting with people in my world, I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back to my body here, and I see, realize and understand that I am in this moment trying to force myself into a particular expression/picture – and that I am not accepting and allowing myself to be genuine, natural and real – and to express myself comfortably within my body – and thus I commit myself to take a deep breath in – to relax my muscles – relax my body – to let go – and to accept and allow myself to respond naturally and genuinely I that moment – not trying to force or emulate – but simply sharing myself here

When and as I see myself go into a physical state of being tense, when communicating and speaking with another, or being in some social gathering, or festivity, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am in this moment not accepting and allowing myself to naturally flow in my expression, but that I am trying to be something that I am not, I am trying to show myself as something that I am not, I am trying to be a person, and something or others, to be accepted – and thus I commit myself to relax my muscles – to place my attention and focus on my breath and breathe myself back into my physical body – and state within myself that – I accept myself – I love myself – I accept and allow myself to stand and move in this moment – being genuine and real

Day 270: Social Anxiety and Misunderstandings

Today at work I faced an interesting situation. A couple of my colleagues and I were talking about an upcoming event at the office. They were in a light and playful mood, and started to joke with me. I found it interesting that in this moment, I did not experience this light and playful mood as something enjoyable, and inviting – my reaction was instead that of fear/anxiety/insecurity.

The reaction was quite strong, and the physical sensation was the of my body tensing up, especially in my calves. And as the reaction came up within me, yet another fear arose from within, the fear of: What if my colleagues are seeing what I am experiencing? What if they will not see me as one of those easy going, flowing, and comfortable-to-be-around people?

Thus what happened was that a initial reaction of insecurity, got coupled with a reaction of fear, and this then snowballed, and I found it difficult to settle down, breath, and relax my human physical, which I do know is an effective solution, especially when emotional reactions come up. Instead of breathing, and settling down, I tried to be more ‘up-beat’ and ‘get more into’ the joking and playful mood, however, this simply did not work but instead exacerbated the reaction. This shows that what I resist, will persist, it is not possible to counter a experience with its opposite, as that will only cause more friction – hence – a effective solution is to slow down and move back into my human physical body – understanding that it is nothing ‘out there’ that is required to be corrected – instead it is my relationship with and as myself that must be corrected.

Hence, what I see that I am doing many times, and that causes me to miss a moment, is that I place my focus on how others are reacting/perceive/experience me. Though, when an reaction emerge within me, the focus must be who I am within and as myself – and that must be that point that is forgiven – the reaction coming up from within.

Another point that I see is the point of fitting in, the desire to fit in and be considered as one in the group – that is a fear that comes up when I have a reaction/experience towards another – because if another notice what I am going through – will they then consider/see me as being one in the group?

Hence the play-out today I see as being a mix of several programs – though the core point is the Fear of What Others Might Think Of ME, or Do, or Say to Me – that is the underlying experiences that fuels these reactions – and the self-interest that I am holding unto that currently cause me to have difficulty to move through this experience.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others might think of me, say, or do to me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interact with others in a state of apprehension/holding back – where I am in a state of interpretation, and caution, trying to be aware of how another interprets me so that I can change myself to fit their personal mind settings – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself around others to fit in – instead of accepting and allowing myself to be myself – to express myself naturally and comfortable – and not accept and allow myself to change myself to be liked by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others have to say about me, and fear that others are talking behind my back, and saying that I am strange, different, and an outcast – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuel this view of myself that I am strange – that I am not the same as others – and that I require/must fit in – change myself – and be like a chameleon – in order to not cause a raucous and make others notice me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when speaking/sharing myself with my colleagues at work – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in this slight state of tension – where I feel like I am on my toes constantly – trying to read another and how they are expressing themselves – so that I can immediately change to accommodate that change and make the situation positive/comfortable for another – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being myself – to fear living/standing within and as stability when I am with others – and hence not accept and allow myself to give into my mind and start to interact with others from within and as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to change/rearrange myself to fit the minds of others – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of constant anxiety – preparation – where I try to be prepared for another and the attack that they might make on me – and that I must be there to make the save as fast as possible and then put something back that is hopefully seen/considered within a state of positivity as being something good – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my natural playful and enjoyable expression through giving into fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that fear is really one of the main creators of separation – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that fear indicates self-interest – and the self-interest in my case would be to avoid conflict/friction – where I want everyone to like me so that I do not have to experience myself embarrassed and disliked by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is a point of self-interest to want and desire to be liked by everyone – to be positively considered by everyone – to have a ‘good’ relationship with everyone – and with ‘good’ meaning – that everyone knows me, likes me, and considers me to be fun and popular

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a female saying something about me that was meant as a critique, and me taking that personally, and becoming sad, and judging myself for showing this sadness to others, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a fear of such an event repeating – and me again having to experience myself as being sad, and personally attacked – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of fear towards being personally attacked and having others define me as a weak and inferior person that they can use as a target for their attacks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be desperate to be liked, desperate to have others see/experience me in a positive/comfortable light, where they see me as being one of their friends/comrades – that they like/enjoy to be with – and that they want to have a lot to do with – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this self-interest within me is enticing fear/anxiety – and that I am creating separation through holding unto this desire because I am not accepting and allowing myself to be genuine – self-honest and real in my participation with others

Self-commitment statements

When and as I am communicating/speaking/interacting with others, and I notice myself beginning to tense up, and experience a fear, anxiety, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I make the focus of that moment to be me relaxing, me breathing, and me sharing myself from my oneness connection and being self-honest, and genuine in my expression, and thus not try and attempt to be more than myself, or less – but simply be genuine and real in the moment

I commit myself to practice self-honest and genuine participation with others – where I place my attention on my physical body and expression – and make it a point to share myself from within and as my oneness connection – and be real with others – and here I see that I cannot be real with others unless I am grounded – physical and here

When and as I see myself tense up, and change, because I perceive that another is reacting towards, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this reaction within me cannot be solved by me trying to be like I believe that another wants me to be – but must be solved by me letting go of this angst – and allowing myself to be real – realizing that REAL is something that I am only able to live/express/stand as – when I breathe effectively and ground myself in my physical – and stop these experiences/thoughts that come up from within