Tag Archives: hard

Day 365: Solutions Instead of Defeat

Today I listened to the following interview on Eqafe: Interview Request – Polar Bears, Ice Melting, and Manifested Consequence. And as is always the case with Eqafe interviews, they assist and support me in opening up new insights and realizations.

When I listened to this interview, what opened up was the point of how I tend to feel defeated when I look at the world and the problems we are facing. It is not only because of how big the problems are, but because there seems to be only a minority of people that cares about finding solutions, and a majority that prefers to live in ignorance. There is however a alternative to defeat. That is changing my focus, from seeing the problems, to instead seeing the solutions. And I find this to be true not only in regards to world problems, but also in relation to my own personal issues – I often forget about the SOLUTIONS.

It is as if our minds are addicted to the problems and to the experience of defeat. We like to find the problems, to talk about the problems, to become stressed about the problems, and to give up in the face our problems. Finding solutions to the problems, that is secondary, and many times, nonexistent. That is the case with environmental issues such as the melting of the ice caps or global warming. We become stressed and emotional, and then we give up – we accept defeat and that it is too late to do anything, that is, before we have even begun. The proper response would have been to USE that stress as a motivation to get off our asses and start doing something about it.

And with regards to our personal issues. When a point opens up that seems to be too big, we easily accept defeat. Or, when we have tried a couple of different solutions, we stop pushing tell ourselves that it is no use. And then we come up with a justification as to why we are not continuing to push. This has happened to me several times – I will face a difficult point – and when I notice that it is going to take a lot out of me to change the point – accepting defeat is not far away. Though, I do have examples from my life where I have not accepted defeat. In those moments, what I have done, is that when I have been at the brink of giving up, I have taken a deep breath and re-focused my attention. I have then again looked at what it is that I want to achieve, and why I want to achieve it. I have reminded myself of my goals – and after pausing for a moment – I have moved myself to continue.

The trick has been to move beyond the point of feeling defeated. And this way I have been able to learn many skills that I initially perceived as impossible for me to acquire. One example is playing guitar. When I began, I could not fathom that I would one day be able to play the songs of my favorite bands. But I kept on practicing, I kept on looking at tips for how to improve on my technique, and then, at some point, I was suddenly able to play the songs I wanted to. It was a process of accumulation, where I day in and day out practiced a little, grew a little, moved a little – and in time – those small moments accumulated into a big change/movement – I learned to play guitar!

In this process of moving beyond defeat, solutions are essential. If I keep my focus on the problem, I will create more of it, get deeper into it, loose my sense of clarity and direction. I might even forget what it is that I WANT to happen, what is my goal? And then all I do is to try and find ways to cope with what is happening, instead of actively finding ways to definitively solve the problem. Understanding the problem is only the first step, the rest of the steps is about establishing a solid and sustainable change – and that is where the focus should be: What is that I want to create?

I will continue to practice this point of moving past defeat and creating solutions. Especially when a emotion comes up within me, presenting me with a problem, to then convert that emotional energy into a movement within me to instead look for a solution to the problem that I face. To not accept and allow myself to get stuck in a quagmire but to keep on moving – to keep on expanding – to keep on CREATING.


 

Day 360: Certainty Must Come From Within

Purpose and clarity as to what I am going to do, who I am going to be, what direction that I will take on and live, what future I will create, that is a desire that has arisen within me frequently over the last years. In-fact, it has been a recurring point since my teenage years – the urge and desire to have a clearly defined path for myself.

I am not sure exactly when it began, however I have since long had a tendency to want one point that I can aim to accomplish – one interest – one hobby – one part of my life – that I want to bring to its full potential and master so completely that I know it by heart. I used to be comfortable doing things for no particular reason but that I enjoyed doing it, though slowly that  changed. For example, when I started playing computer games, it was because I enjoyed it a lot. In-fact I found it amazingly fun, and I would play game after game. Then, something changed. I began to deliberately focus on becoming ‘good’ at a particular games, and ‘better than’ others. Competition became part of my gaming experience, and now it was not anymore a question of me enjoying myself, it was now about taking it to the next level, so that I could win. I did this with many games – I continued to play them even though I did not necessarily like them, because I was good at them, and I wanted to win.

The same happened with other interests, usually they began as unconditional and innocent projects that I would take on and enjoy with all of my heart – then – they would change and become a way to achieve victory.

As I have progressed through life, this tendency of becoming obsessed with one project, one movement, one drive, has morphed and changed and spilled over into purpose, and have thus become a way of achieving certainty. This metamorphosis has definitely been fueled by the world system, where there are continuously stories promoted about people that seemingly only have one point of purpose in their life, that they follow religiously, and are through that able to achieve success. Making sure that we have a fixed route, we know where we are going, we know what we will do, for me, that has become a way of creating stability and certainty, believing that I need to know my place in my external reality to be stable, and to know myself.

Obviously, this idea of life and purpose is limited. It is limited because in placing our focus and attention on the external reality, we miss that it is not our external reality that determines who we are, it is us that determines our external reality – it is us that decide who we are – and this WHO WE ARE is in turn reflected by our external reality. That principle is the key to any form of creation – it is the key to understanding why our creations sometimes falter, why they other times work out perfectly, and why our life looks the way it looks.

Thus – I see, realize and understand, that my focus, instead of being placed at developing my external reality, first and foremost must be placed at developing/creating/refining my inner reality – and from that will naturally flow a direction as I stand stable within myself and move in breath. Life cannot be predicted beforehand, it must be lived and directed in the moment. Life can only become a certainty, when we stand with certainty within ourselves – and hence there is no point to look for a purpose or clarity out there – unless we have established that for ourselves. It all begins with self, every time.


Learn more about this way of living:

Day 268: Creating Movement – Part 6: Baby Steps To Change

baby_stepsIn my last blog in the ‘Creating Movement’-series I ended off with saying that in this blog I was going to cover the Rewards of changing apathy, and laziness into movement. Since then I have realized that there is an important point that must be covered before we go into the dimension of the Rewards. That is why, in this blog, we are going to looking at the point of implementing change through the use of the Baby Steps-method.

A commonly occurring pattern in us human beings, is that when we want to change something – let us say laziness – we want to change it ALL and preferably from one day to the next. We write, or speak these solemn words, were we promise to ourselves that change will be implemented, change will come through, and whether it is the last thing we do, we will make it happen. Fascinatingly enough, when the time to change is here, and we are supposed to live, and implement our words, we fall, and cannot manifest our intention into physical reality. Then, the next stop on the ferries wheel is that we judge ourselves, and we speak seriously about our failure, and damn our mistakes: “Why is not possible for me to change?” is voiced, or thought, almost as a form of prayer to a higher entity that is seemingly taking a great joy in seeing us struggle.

Conclusion: This way of approaching change is not sustainable, and neither does it make change easy or enjoyable. Instead change becomes a pressure and a burden, and when we fall it becomes an excuse for us to judge ourselves – and this might eventually lead us to completely give up on ourselves and the change we desire. Thus, a much more effective, and productive way to approach change is through taking Baby Steps – and this means that instead of trying to change it ALL, and in one go – we instead change one small part of the pattern. We place our focus and attention on one aspect of the issue we have, and commit ourselves to change this first instead of taking on the entire pattern in one go.

Let me share an example with you: When I was studying, I had a tendency to every morning as I got up, and sat down by my desk to study, to after a while feel tired, and then proceed to the sofa and continue my studies there. Now, this always, without exception lead me to falling asleep, and also to retain information less effectively, and accordingly I wanted to change this pattern for myself, and thus sit by my desk when I studied. I first tried to change the pattern all in one go, but the temptation to sit/lie down in my coach was too big, and so I fell. Even though I wanted to change myself, the sofa just felt so comfortable and nice, and I was not willing to give it up.

Then I started to approach the change slightly differently, instead of wanting to change the entire pattern all in one go, I decided to, while in the sofa, sit up a little more straight, and practice focusing on what I was reading. This change I managed to pull through, because it was just a matter of pushing myself up against the backrest of the sofa a few centimeters. When I had that point down, after a while, what started to take place was that I went to my desk to study instead. I didn’t even make it an actual decision within myself to ‘not study in the couch’ – though because I had managed to pull through the change of sitting a little bit more straight, and focusing more clearly on the text, when reading in the sofa, this made it a lot easier for me to from there, move to actually sit by my desk. And this is the principle of Baby Steps – you place your change into creation using small incremental steps – one by one – and the common sense behind this goes again in all forms of change.

For example: If you wish to be able to run a marathon, and you’ve never jogged before, it would be a wise call if you first learned to, and worked up the stamina to jog. Only after that should you try to run. And if we look at school, there is a gradual increase in difficulty level – and this can be seen in most types of activities. Though strangely enough, many of us forget to apply the Baby Steps-mentality when it is comes to self-change, and changing a compromising pattern within ourselves into a supportive. Though, the fact of the matter is that, they are the same – no difference.

So, let us be patient with ourselves, give ourselves some slack, and when we change from laziness/apathy into movement, that we do it in incremental steps – little by little – challenge by challenge – decision by decision. Even though the change might feel as if it is moving too slow when you move forward with Baby Steps – it does not – because when we change using baby steps we know that we are going to get through. While, when we try to do that one, big momentous change, the probability is that we are going to fall, and then, in worst-case scenario, simply give up on our change and what we wanted for ourselves.

In my next blog, instead of discussing rewards, I am going to look more closely into how we tend to moralize change, and through that create even more resistance within ourselves when it comes to actually transforming our living actions to be supportive and nourishing.

Creating Movement – Part 1: Introduction
Creating Movement – Part 2: How laziness is created – external causes
Creating Movement – Part 3: How Laziness is Created – Internal Causes
Creating Movement – Part 4: Learning To Handle Resistance
Creating Movement – Part 5: Practical Solutions for Resistance
Creating Movement – Part 6: Baby Steps To Change
Creating Movement – Part 7: The Rewards

Day 262: Finding a Solution

a puzzle piece made of grassWhen I turn on the television and look at the conventional newscasts that are aired every night, most often what will be shared is problems. There are problems with schools, problems with politicians, problems with money, problems with crime, problems with jobs, problems with immigrants. Seemingly millions of problems, yet, what is very, very rare is the sharing of a solution. Why is that?

To answer this question, let us take a look at our own lives, and how we approach difficulties, issues, conflicts, and other tough points that arise in our day-to-day living. Because where is our focus? We look at the problem – and over, and over again we regurgitate in our minds how big our problems are. And what we many times miss is to actively look for the SOLUTIONS. So, in this blog I am going to share a practical living application that has assisted and supported me to be more immediate, and direct when it comes to handling problems that open up in my world – and walk them into a SOLUTION.

I will share a short story from my own life that will serve as an example of this practical application: I am at the moment building an expansion to my mother’s farmhouse. The plan is that my partner and I are going to live here, and share the spacious farm environment together with my mother. It is really a fun process to be part off. Though, when it comes to building, and acquiring a house like this, it requires a lot of capital, and because of this my partner and I have had to take on a loan. And today is I was looking at the building site, and the development of the expansion, a anxiety come up from within, and it went like this: “Oh, we are taking on so much debt to be able to do this! Shit! I could have decided to live more cheaply! Man, now I will be stuck with this for a long time!”

When that thought, and energy came up within me, initially I went into it. Then I applied self-forgiveness, and instead of continuing to exist in a state of worry/anxiety I began to look at a SOLUTION. Hence, I asked myself, what is the solution to this problem I am facing? And I realized that, instead of worrying about what this project costs, I can appreciate the fact that I do have the opportunity to do something like this in my life, and really involve myself in the construction of my future abode. And instead of looking at the debt as a point of pressure, see that me taking on this debt does allow me to walk, and experience a cool process of creation together with my partner. Thus I am in an optimum position to actually create, and be part of building the future of my life from the ground up, because an important part of my future will be my house, where I am going to live.

When I realized this, I could see that it was up to me to define WHO I AM in relation to this project that I have committed myself to walk. And I understood that I must make the decision, and unless I do that, my circumstances will do it for me. But do I want to walk through my life and feel pressured just because I have debt? No – I want to be able to live, and appreciate the environment and the life I am creating for myself. Hence the solution to my problem is to live this appreciation, this enjoyment, and push myself to explore and participate in this adventure that is unfolding day by day.

This is thus an example of the practical application of how we are able find SOLUTIONS to the inner conflicts we face. I have practiced the point of immediately as a reaction comes up within me, apply a self-forgiveness statement, and then look for, and live a solution. It is not as easy as it sounds, but developing such a skill is priceless – and really – it is what we as humanity needs to create. We are too much in love with our problems and it is not good for us – thus as a rule of thumb – I suggest that we place the focus in our minds 90 % on solutions, and only 10 % on finding and gauging problems.

Day 191: A New Way of Doing Things

Recently I’ve been working with a state of fear that I go into quite often – most of the times I will enter into it in the morning – and then not be able to get out of it until nighttime. This is most definitely one of those points that I see I must change – and that I want to change – but that I’ve not been able to push through – and within that get to a conclusion and condition of real lasting change and transformation.

Though – today as I listened to interview called: “Insecurity: Quantum Levels – Atlanteans – Part 253” – I came to understand that one of the reasons as to why this point has felt so difficult and overbearing is because of how I’ve approached. Before I’ve immediately as the fear came up within me gone into a ‘breath through the experience’-application – wherein I’ve then pushed and willed myself to remain with my breath to get through the energy – but this have tended to exacerbate the fear-experience and placed me even further into a state of physical discomfort and energetic possession.

So, when I today listened to this interview, I realized what I’d been doing and why it’s been difficult – because in my application of ‘pushing through’ I’ve actually feed the experience through giving it attention – and by reacting to the experience as it being difficult and overbearing – thus making it bigger and more than it actually is.

I now see that I’ve to take a different approach to this reaction – and not proceed towards the experience in a state of ‘fight’ and ‘push’ mode – instead I have to be more gentle – and when I go into this point – rather place my focus and attention on what I am doing here – and let the experience come up and release – thus I will not anymore go into this state of ‘having to fix and direct’ the experience – but rather see it come up within me – then shift my attention to what I am doing HERE physically and not make the fear my focal point – rather I place the emphasis on what I’m involved with here – what project I am currently walking – what there is I must take into account in directing my physical world here – and so on.

What can be learned from this is thus that ‘pushing hard’ isn’t necessarily the solution to everything that comes up within – sometimes another type and form application is required to bring about change – it’s thus important to remain open and look for different solutions and ways of going directing one’s inner world – so that one doesn’t get stuck in this one type and form of hard-ass pushing forward application – because that will not produce effective results.

Day 46: Grades, and Marks

Today I’ve had many various reactive experiences – though I will zone in on one in particular and give my attention to this point. And – the point I will be writing about today will be – grades, and marks.

634844382325156250Some time ago I received my marks for the latest term I’ve gone through at the university – and they were not top-marks; now – within this I didn’t have a major reaction – or I mean – this I what I’d like to think to myself; that I “handled it” and I was “cool” with it – but really the thoughts, and experiences that come up within me tell another story.

So, what kind of inner backchat is it that has been arising within me? We’ll – I’ve had these small subtle moments, wherein I will look at the marks I received during this semester – and within that I will make a quick, and hasty judgment of myself – very subtly; and then after I’ve made this judgment I will think to myself: “next semester I am going to what is required! I am going to get top-marks next semester!” – and then after that I will sort of go through in my mind the various steps I will require to take in order to really push myself to get top marks, and then also go through some fears, and anxieties as to problems that might occur that will not allow me to get top-marks.

It’s fascinating – that I actually care this much about marks, and that it will possess me to such an extent that I will miss the physical breath that is here in-front of me – thus – I want to get to a point where this type of thoughts, and considerations do not exist within me; I mean – I am clearly able to see that this particular backchat-pattern stems from disappointment, and a experience that I’ve “failed” – and that my solution-thinking is a way which I combat this initial experience of feeling like a failure, and that I’ve not done enough to get my top-marks.

Another interesting aspect is how I will within me my mind sort of have a big audience that looks at me – and this mental audience consists of various people in my world – for example classmates; and then I will in my mind hold my achievements, and results before this mental audience – and observe their reactions – for example – in relation to my classmates that exist in my mental audience – I will hold up my results that were not top-mark – and then within that see them think/observe my results and comment that I should’ve gotten better results, because I studied so much – I mean now my studies where all in vain.

So, it’s really fascinating that I’ve this inner jury that I show my results in life too – I show them my plans, my decisions, my experiences, and then I let this jury decide whether it’s good or bad, right or wrong, correct, or incorrect. Obviously this jury is in actuality ME – as my own self-judgments that I’ve projected unto others – and wherein I’ve tried to live up to what I’ve thought to be “others expectations” – but in reality they are my expectations – and it shows me that I am not allowing myself to accept myself – and respect myself.

I am currently listening to the series about Judgment that can be found in the Eqafe-store – and I see that this point I am walking through now is relevant to what they say in that series; because really what I am doing in critically evaluating myself like this – is that I am in-fact bullying, and harassing myself; sort of standing inside me with a whip, and a carrot – saying – “go there and you’ll get a carrot” – or – “bad, bad!! Now I must whip you for your naughtiness” – so it’s interesting.

What’s more about this is that I’ve in-fact internalized the critique I perceived that I was receiving from my parents as I grew up; back then I felt that I was being criticized – but nowadays I don’t have any parents around anymore, and I am doing this towards myself; really shows that it was me all along that was hard on myself, and criticized myself – and that’s never been about my parents, but about who I am within me.

slow-downI can see that this point of self-criticism is prevalent in many areas of my life – process being one of them; because a tendency that I have is that I want to move fast, I want to move really fast – I mean get through point, by point – and clear it all up; and when I do have reactions – I judge myself – saying “I should have this reaction – now I must apply self-forgiveness!” – and then I move myself to correct the point from a starting point of self-judgment – and wanting the point to “get away” – instead of moving myself from a starting point of me exploring myself, and being grateful that I have the opportunity to re-create myself in all areas of my world – and that the mind is nothing bad, or wrong – it’s merely a misaligned system that requires labor to be directed into what is best for all.

Thus – one of the points I see will assist me to let go of this self-criticism is that I allow myself to not take myself so seriously, and also allow myself to make mistakes, and be cool with it – and let the points I walk take time – and also – not have any expectations of what results I achieve – but instead walk for the sake of walking – enjoying the process, and not wanting to get to the end immediately. I mean – that’s interesting because it’s similar to how I’ve realized I behave in sex – I mean – often I will want to go to the orgasm, and the sexual epitome immediately – and I don’t want to go through the physical and practical process that is required for me to get there; and so this also reveals another point that will assist, and support me to let go of self-criticism – and that is to be patient with myself – and to understand that comparison is not real – because I am an individual with a background that is unique – thus how can I possibly compare myself to another when no two person’s have the same life-baggage? It’s impossible and really an illusion – it’s not real – only a distraction, and a justification for me to continue to judge myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself, and criticize myself when I don’t achieve the results that I’ve expected, and desired, and hoped for – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have hopes, expectations, wants and desires for a particular outcome – instead of accepting and allowing myself to walk breath by breath – and not create a mental future in my mind that I think I must achieve in order for me to be satisfied with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self-criticism to motivate myself to change, and to better myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead motivate myself to change, and be better – and become more effective – through me enjoying to expand myself, and enjoying to challenge myself – and enjoying to grow, and to become more – I mean – it’s not bad, or wrong, or worthy of criticism to fail, or not make it – it’s simply what it is – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop judging myself and instead focus upon living, and enjoying myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, and define life as being a struggle, and a hardship – instead of realizing that it’s me that is actively making life to be a struggle, and a hardship – because I am constantly being hard on myself, and I am constantly judging myself – and I am not allowing myself to give myself some room, some space to actually fail, and to not be successful – but I am having this relentless view of myself that I must be successful, and I must make it – whatever I do – and that not doing this is the greatest, and most shameful thing that can exist – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle with myself, and not be patient with myself – and to allow myself to walk points that open in my reality slowly, specifically, and without hasting, and without creating expectations, and desires as to what results I should achieve

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, and believe that living without a drive to achieve results is a waste of time, and will make me ineffective – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value the results more than process of achieving results – not understanding that I mean – the process will be equal and one to the results achieved – and thus if I walk my process in such a way that I do not cater for myself – give myself space, room, and nourishment to grow – I mean – then my results will be limited, and I will have chased the results – but they will be inferior as to what they could’ve been if I walked slowly, meticulously – and taking me time – being patient, being gentle – and moving slowly forward without feeling that it must go faster

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I mean – my life could be so much more enjoyable, and expansive – and more like a adventure that I go into and allow myself to explore and enjoy – if I let go of self-criticism – and self-judgment; because in releasing myself from these points of limitation – I will be able to venture into any project, or any point that emerge – and simply experience, and walk through the point physically – enjoying the actual act, and movement of walking the point – and not being in my mind – worrying, fearing, and experiencing anxiety as to what results I am going to achieve

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I criticize myself, and when I am being hard on myself – that I have more effective results, that I am more effective in life, and living – and that I am able to produce a better outcome for myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that criticism, and judgment is always detrimental – as it tears on my very beingness – and slowly but surely breaks me down; I mean that is what happens in abusive relationships – the one person breaks the other person down physically and mentally – and what’s left is a broken human-being that is not able to move; as such I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the same principle applies within me – that if I constantly criticize myself, and I am hard on myself – then I will break myself down – and I will be less likely to dare to walk projects, and points – because I will create this belief within me that “I am not good enough anyway”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not support, and assist myself – and be encouraging towards myself – I mean – such a simple point as encouraging myself instead of judging myself would change a lot – so for example – when I do fail, or miss a goal that I’ve set for myself – instead of criticizing myself – I could simply encourage myself with these practical points that I see I am living, and walking – for example see the cool points that I did actually walk in attempting to manifest a success; for example I was disciplined, and I was diligent, and I really was committed to the point – and within that also encourage myself to change, and become even more effective – and such stop breaking myself down within me – and instead focus upon building myself up – supporting myself, strengthening myself – and using my mistake to make myself even better, and more effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by breaking myself down I become stronger – instead of realizing, and understanding that this is not true – I mean – by breaking myself down I am in-fact breaking – and that is not becoming stronger – the same principle applies to physical points – I mean if I break my computer it won’t become stronger it will become less functional – the same goes with me; as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to focus upon being a support for myself, being a helping hand for myself – being a real buddy for myself – and allowing myself to eradicate criticism from within me – so that I will never again criticize and be hard on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate, and define gentleness as a weakness – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being gentle with myself – in fear that if I allow myself to be gentle with myself then I will not survive in this world, and I will not be able to walk point in my life, and my reality – I will not able to be disciplined and get things done – because I apparently I need to punish myself, and judge myself, and criticize myself to get things done – and so I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that this is simply not true – I mean it’s common sense that discipline doesn’t require the threat of punishment – instead discipline can be walked from a starting point of commitment, from a starting point of doing what is best for self, and all – thus giving to self, and being grateful for being able to give this point to self – and as such not using anymore judgment, self-punishment, and mental bullying to move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being gentle with myself, and to believe that I don’t know how to be gentle with myself – and I don’t know how to take it easy with myself – and I don’t know how to be a buddy for myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand that I do not know this – because I’ve not ever allowed myself to define gentleness, and live gentleness for and as myself – but here I am able to see that the application of gentleness is a actual physical – practical application – of allowing myself to slow down, and to be considerate in each moment – to not want to jump ahead, or speed up – but to be a slow-moving being – that is patient – wherein there is no stress, and no attempt to reach greater heights – but instead a slow but certain movement in each moment – that I am here – and I move, and direct myself – in the pace and movement of breath

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into speedy-living – wherein I want to achieve results, and I want to get THERE – and I want to make it NOW, and be DONE – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in living this speedy-living – I am compromising my presence, and stability here – and I am not allowing myself to actually live, to experience life – and so-called: smell the roses; as such I commit myself to slow down – to breath – and to live each moment to the fullest – and to not spend my time wanting, and desiring to “reach there” – and “make that” and “complete that” – I mean – that’s not living – that’s searching for life instead of being life; as such I commit myself to be life instead of searching for life

When and as I see that I am moving myself, and applying myself through motivating myself utilizing fear, and self-punishment – and thinking that I must become more – because apparently I am currently lacking; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I mean – living from that starting point makes life a struggle, and a pain in the ass – because nothing is ever enjoyable by itself – as it must always become something, lead to something for it to be of worth – instead of allowing the moment in itself, the process of walking in itself – to be worth – to be valuable – to be enjoyable – to be life and living; as such I commit myself to enjoy the process of walking a point – and to allow myself to be motivated by enjoying to expand myself, I mean seeing that it’s natural and common sense to challenge myself – and to go beyond my limitations – and that it’s nothing that must be done from fear – or lack – but instead something that I naturally do breath by breath – expanding myself here

When and as I see that I want to haste, and speed things up – because I feel that this is the only way to achieve results – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that really – slowing down is the key to being effective – really it’s common sense – because in being slow – I am able to see reality – and be aware of what is here – while in being a fast-mover – I don’t see anything at all – it’s same principle of speed that applies to physical reality as well – for example – when driving a car at a high speed I can’t see the detail of my surroundings – but when I walk the same path – I can see everything clearly, and be able to look at details – and even stop and go down on my knees to investigate some point; as such I commit myself to slow down – and to be content with being a slow being – I mean really – slowness have been so underestimated in this world – because apparently being fast means that you can experience a lot of life – instead of understanding that life is what is here in every moment – and not something that you’re able to run towards, and sort of achieve as some sort of race that you’ve won

When and as I see that I am not giving myself space, room, and time – in essence being patient with myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that to be effective I must give myself nourishment – and I must treat myself as a plant – and a plant requires nutrition – and so do I – as such nutrition would be to live my life in a balanced way – to be slow with me, and my application – to stop trying to reach over there and instead live here – seeing that there is really no there – but that the only point that is actually real is here; as such I commit myself to treat myself like a plant – and ask myself – how can I support myself to grow? How can I support myself to stabilize myself? How can I support myself to evolve, and develop myself? And as such I commit myself to become like a gardener for myself that garden life

When and as I see that I am not allowing myself to be HERE with the point that I am walking, but that I want to finish – I want to get it done – I want to move to the next point, and be “productive” and “fast” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this fast-paced living is what makes me miss life – and miss myself – because I am not allowing myself to be HERE with me – understanding that there is nothing better, or more, greater, than me here; as such I commit myself to slow down – and to walk a point until the point is done – and clear – and I mean then walk to the next point – using breath as the motivation for me to move forward

When and as I see that I am going into self-criticism, and being hard on myself – because I think that “It’s good for me” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that breaking something down is never good – I mean I wouldn’t break down my bicycle, or destroy my clothes – thinking that they would become more durable, and effective by me doing that – it’s simply insane; as such I commit myself to be careful with myself, to be gentle with myself – and to care for myself

When and as I see that I focus on the negative in relation to a particular point that I am walking – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in focusing on the negative – I mean – that’s what I am creating – and when I don’t allow myself to see the entire picture, and understand that “hey! There is actually some cool points here!” – then I create the experience within me of feeling like a failure – even though that’s not at all true – because I mean there were points that were cool – so as such I commit myself to focus upon supporting myself – looking at where I am effective and making myself even more effective on those points – and then not overwhelming myself by looking “everything that’s negative” – but instead being patient with myself in realizing that perfection is a skill that isn’t magically created – but that is earned through labor – and that labor will take time and will only be able to be done when I support, and encourage myself instead of breaking myself down

When and as I think that I become stronger when I break myself down, and I feel kind of cool within me – like all manly – because I am criticizing something of myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how this idea is absurd – it’s based upon this belief that “what doesn’t kill makes you stronger” – I mean that’s an idiotic presumption – and I mean there are tons of proof in this world that shows that this isn’t the case – and it’s so easy to prove this to oneself; as such I commit myself to realize and understand that breaking down doesn’t make me stronger – it makes me broken – as such I commit myself to instead build myself, to instead work on myself – and construct on myself – and treat myself with care, and gentleness – because that’s how real development is facilitated

When and as I see that I don’t know how to live gentleness, and how to be caring, and considerate with myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I mean living gentleness is simple – it’s me being physically gentle – and how is that done? I mean – just like I experience a wind sweeping over my cheek – that I can physically experience is gentle – it’s soft, and it’s really comfortable – that’s how I must move, and direct myself within myself – I mean being that gentleness in my breath, in my physical movements, in my living – practicing to slow down and to feel and really be here with the moment – and to not expect there to be more, or to get somewhere else – but to really be HERE and take in the moment that is here; as such I commit myself to live gentleness as a slow and comfortable breath – and a slow, patient, and diligent movement – that isn’t forced – that isn’t strenuous – but that is certain – and effective

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Day 11: Test-anxiety (Part 1)

blog-exam-04182011This is my fifth term at the university and I’ve still not been able to effectively remove the test-anxiety I experience at the end of each semester when the final test is being held. Every time I become nervous, and filled with anxiety – and what I tend to do is that I stress-read, and simply overdo my studies to the extent where I study for up to 10 hours on a day – and then afterwards I am totally exhausted – because I’ve gone into my studying so intensively that I’ve not considered my human physical body, or myself for that matter – only studying for the upcoming test have existed within me.

This time around I’d like to change this point – and also make sure that I don’t experience anxiety as I am doing the test – because that anxiety greatly inhibits my ability to write the test effectively – so it would be awesome to go to my test, and write the test being completely calm, and relaxed.

Thus the first point that I will walk here in this blog is to locate all the particular fears that I have in relation to my studies – that come through has backchat, and thoughts – and have my loose my concentration and instead get caught in anxiety, and fear.

  1. I fear that I won’t get a good job after I’m done with studies – unless I get the best grade
  2. I fear that I will regret myself – and feel that I do everything I could – if I don’t get the best grade on my test – and I haven’t been running around spending all my time on studying for my test
  3. I fear that I won’t get as much done unless I use stress a way to motivate myself
  4. I fear that my parents will be dissatisfied with me unless I get the best grade
  5. I fear that I will become dissatisfied with myself if I don’t get the best grade
  6. I fear feeling useless, and worthless if I don’t get the best grade
  7. I fear that I won’t be the best – but that there will be others that receive better grades than me
  8. I fear that I will forget everything while doing the test
  9. I fear that there will come a extremely difficult question on the test, and because of that I will fail the test
  10. I fear that I will forget to prepare for everything in relation to the test – and thus not be able to do the test effectively
  11. I fear that I will simply fail on my test without understanding why – regardless of much I study – that I’ll simply not be able to walk my studies effectively enough
  12. I fear that I am not intelligent enough to be able to learn all the information before the test
  13. I fear that I will prepare myself wrong – and then not understand the test as I get it into my hands
  14. I fear that I won’t have as many opportunities in my future unless I get the best grade – because everyone will consider, and see me as someone that “didn’t get the best grades”
  15. I fear becoming ridiculed, and laughed at by others as being stupid, and not being able to get a good grade
  16. I fear that there is not enough time for me to prepare myself effectively, and that I will accordingly come unprepared to the test
  17. I fear that my mother will say to me that I could’ve done better
  18. I fear that my family will not be happy with me – as they are when I receive a good grade on my tests
  19. I fear relaxing, and breathing when I study – in fear that if I don’t use fear to study – that I will then not move myself as effectively, and fast – and thus be compromised

In my next blog I will begin to walk through this list point by point – and apply self-forgiveness, and self-commitment statements – and I will be done with the list in time for my test – so then I will be able to see whether my preparation

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