Tag Archives: harsh

Day 275: Paranoia – The Fear of Forgetting Things

forgetting-thingsParanoia when it comes to forgetting and missing things, that is a point that has been recurring for me recently. In my line of work, it is all about the details, and here I am not exaggerating – it is ALL about the details. Hence it is different from ‘normal’ life in the sense that, when in your normal day-to-day living, you do not necessarily have to be very focused, specific or thorough. You can get by in a state of half-awareness; do things sloppily, and half-assed – your life will still work out quite okay.

However, in my line of work, you cannot do that. This has thus been a big change for me. The way I have handled this is through paranoia, were I have basically utilized fear/anxiety to drive me to constantly check if I have forgotten something. This is not effective for several reasons, though primarily; it is not effective because I go into a emotional state, thus investing energy in being emotional, forgetting my physical living/application HERE. And also, existing in a state of paranoia makes me mentally unstable, were I am not effective/specific when it comes to directing my life, and making decisions – because what takes precedence is the experience – not my actual physical movement and participation HERE.

I have looked at solutions and found that to support myself to become more thorough, detailed and specific, and not miss details that must be remembered, I am able to: 1) Establish systems and routines for certain points in my work 2) Use stickers, notes and a calendar to keep track of times and what must be done at what time 3) Be FULLY HERE, AWARE and FOCUSED when I apply myself in my job, so that I am certain that I actually walked all the points required.

Another aspect of this paranoia is that it only comes up in relation to work/career. Fact is that I am not particularly good at remembering things, being specific, thorough and detailed outside of the office, however, because there is no money at stake in my leisure time, I do not care as much. Thus, this shows me that the real, underlying core fear is that of survival and money. I fear losing money, I fear not being able to survive, and that is the driving force. This is also interesting, that I require having money, and a fear of survival to drive me to develop skills such as thoroughness, being specific and detailed.

Another aspect of having fear of survival and money as my current motivation is that I do not approach my work in a supportive manner – because if would be no fear, what come through is a curiosity, and a desire to expand and learn – a desire to become more effective at what I am doing. Then there is no fear involved, instead it is a genuine interest to empower myself and become the best that I can be that drives me forward – and that is obviously a far more potent and healthy source of motivation than fear and stress. When I motivate myself because I want to improve, then there is no fear or anxiety that preoccupies me, instead I am clear, physical, stable – moving myself in every breath to become the best that I can be.

Hence, it is clear, that this paranoia, and fear is something that I can replace with a genuine drive and care to improve and expand myself – both in my work and home environment.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change my starting point in relation to work, so that instead of being fear driven, I drive myself forward from within and as the desire to improve myself, to become better and more effective, to enhance myself, and to empower myself in learning more skills and abilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not establish systems and routines to make sure that I do not forget anything when it comes to preparing myself and working through my responsibilities and commitments in relation to work and home life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that paranoia is a outflow consequence of me not being present – directive and aware – and certain in what I am doing – and that there as such is room for me to improve – so that I become thorough and specific in all and everything that I take on and walk

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that all reactions of the mind have their gifts – that there is something that I can learn and take with me to expand and empower myself – and with paranoia and this process in my work – it is that I can learn to be more specific, thorough and focused – and create these skills within me – and learn how to be prepared and certain on who I am in relation to the points in my life that I have taken responsibility for

Self-commitment statements

When and as I notice myself wanting to go into a state of fear/paranoia, that I have forgotten or missed something, I take a breath, I stop, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that these experiences cannot help me in my line of work, that I will not empower myself through giving into these experiences, and that instead, I can only empower and truly create myself through physically living, and building myself as words – and thus I commit myself to live specificity within me – through double checking the informationseeing whether I have forgotten anything – and then let it go if I reach the conclusion that no I haven’t forgotten anything

I commit myself to practice using routines and systems to make sure that I do not jump a step in my work – and that I walk all the necessary steps required in relation to my work responsibilities

I commit myself to practice being thorough and slowing myself down when working with my responsibilities – to make sure that I do not miss a step

I commit myself to have my starting point and motivation be that of me wanting to expand and improve myself and become the best that I can be in relation to my work – and thus I commit myself to stop fear and instead use my desire to improve and grow as the WHY of my movement forward

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Day 239: Feeling criticized

Today I am going to open up a physical reaction that came up today as I was barbecuing.

Now, basically, I was standing by the barbeque, tending to the meat – and then another person enters into my environment. This person began to speak, and utilized a piercing tonality, where the words came out almost as punches, and very fast – no pauses and no natural rhythm. The words were in relation to the way I was cooking the meat – and the person had various suggestions as to how I could cook it – and what I should and shouldn’t do. Later on, the person began to share information, lot’s of information, for example historical facts, or considerations, and yet again the tone of the voice had this punch, and almost aggressiveness – and there was a rush in the pace.

As this person spoke I could notice that my body was tensing up, and I started to feel uncomfortable – specifically I noticed how my shoulders tightened and that my neck was bent slightly downwards – and the body shaped as if I was trying to crouch from enemy fire, dodging my head downwards as to not be hit. I also felt uneasy in my arms, I didn’t feel comfortable having them in any position, I didn’t know where the put them.

The thoughts I had about this person was judgmental in nature – I judged this person as speaking to fast, as being in energy, as being critical – and the way I responded physically was that I became more quiet, and I didn’t return to communication – the reason being that I felt forced to speak/agree/communicate in a certain way – and so not speaking was my way of trying to get back in control of the situation.

I can also see that I judged this person as being abusive, and not caring for his environment, and those around him – that he was all absorbed with himself, his own words – I can also see that I judged him as being smug and full of himself – pretentious and self-centered.

So – this event shows me a lot about myself – and what I can see is that this person is actually revealing many characteristics of my own, though I have them more on the inside – more repressed and hidden from the world – because I can see that I will in certain situations approach others within a smugness and pretentiousness – where I see myself as better than another. And equally will I at times speak in this almost aggressive, punching voice tonality – where each word is charged with a energy of rushing – trying to speak as much as possible in the shortest amount of time possible. Hence I can learn A LOT from this individual.

In the following I will apply self-forgiveness on the various reactions that I had towards this individual and direct the point utilizing self-commitment statements.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance towards person X when he is my surrounding area – because I perceive that X speaks aggressively, in fast paced bursts of punching energy – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this personally, to react and to feel as if I am threatened or diminished, and that I require to protect myself around X – through either talking back or cowering and hiding from these, what I perceive to be, attacks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X for making me feel attacked and aggressively treated, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the solution to this problem is that X leaves from my life, or that I shove him away, and do not interact with him anymore – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is not a solution, and not a effective way of directing the point, but rather a form of escapism – where I want to escape myself, and how I experience myself, through blaming my experience of myself unto another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X, and believe that it’s his fault that I experience myself as attacked – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the back of my mind think that he’s rude, that he is not pleasant to be around, that he’s not a very nice and courteous individual – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X for the way he is expressing himself – instead of seeing, realizing and understand that the very fact that I have these reactions within me, indicates that I do have the same issues and behavioral patterns as is the case with X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened by X, and when X is speaking – take a stance within myself as if expecting the worst, and believing that at any moment, I will be vehemently attacked – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself around X and not express and share myself fully – but only reveal so much of myself that I believe is safe – and that I believe will not cause any major, bad and negative experiences for me, where I am going to feel hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge X as being insensitive, and brutish, and without the ability to see how his words is affecting his environment – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto blame towards X, and feeling as if X has been, making my life more difficult than what it has to be, and has contributed to me feeling attacked, and criticized – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that the fact I am reacting this – shows that I am also accepting and allowing this type of program in my mind – where I accept and allow myself to not be sensitive to how my words influence and affect my environment – and where I instead just speak for the sake of speaking with no effective consideration and support for another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge X as being smug, pretentious and full of himself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to person X –and want to remove him from my world, believing that each time he comes into my world, he will make me feel bad, start sharing information, and facts with this superior body language, and tonality, and try to make himself more than me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am also accepting and allowing this very program to exist within me – and that person X is in-fact revealing to me how I am not yet effectively standing with regards to me approaching people, and situations, and sharing myself without ego – and without trying to impress upon others how effective I am with knowledge

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is obviously completely meaningless to judge X, and to try to push him out of my world – because the fact is that X is representing and showing parts of myself that I’ve not yet wanted to recognize and see – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that through interacting and being together with X I will be able to establish for myself where and how I exist as these patterns myself – and thus effectively work with my reactions of judgment that currently clouds my eyes – where I instead of seeing myself clearly – judge and suppress parts of myself that I don’t want to recognize

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s actually from the persons that I resist the most, and that I have the most reactions towards, that I am able to learn the most – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that instead of viewing my reactions towards X as a problem – I can instead see them as being the start of something new, and opening up a new area and part of my life that I’ve not yet been researching and looking into – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that X is in-fact giving me lot’s of information that I am able to use in order to open more of myself – and thus trying to push out X from my life, or judging X for who he is – is in-fact completely pointless and doesn’t lead to anything beneficial

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a state of and as inferiority, fear and cowering, because I perceive that another person is speaking aggressively, is speaking harshly, and with these very strong, and fiery words – I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that any reaction I have, indicates that there are points I’ve not yet dealt with, and doesn’t in-fact say anything about the other person – and thus I see, realize and understand that my interactions with this person in-fact represents and opportunity for me to get to know myself – and thus I commit myself to stop, and to see that the words are only words, that they are sound and possibly contain energy – yet they can’t harm or hurt me – or define me – thus I commit myself to breath and let the words pass through me

When and as I see that I am sharing information with another, from a starting point of thinking, and feeling that I know so much, that I am really well-read and extremely effective – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this way of sharing and giving information to another is in-fact a form of ego, where I am being smug and pretentious, and going into a state of superiority, where I believe myself to be more than another – and thus I see, realize and understand that the solution is to share information with a stable tonality here, making information, facts and knowledge equal to all parts of me as the physical; and thus I commit myself to not change in my physical presence and expression when I am sharing information with another – but instead remain here and breath – and stabilize myself with my voice – practicing a stable voice tonality

When and as I see that I am judging X as being insensitive, I immediately stop myself I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this judgment exists within me only because I am myself in moments living such an insensitivity, where I become the center of the world, where my energetic, feeling-experience because the most important thing that there is, and my world, and the experience of others in my world, in a way disappear, and everything that becomes important is myself, and my experience – and thus I commit myself to instead learn about myself from X – and to within this process – commit myself to when I share of myself – to be sensitive and aware of others and how my behavior and words influence them – and not take another for granted