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Day 408: Weaknesses

Yesterday I was painting a wall together with my partner. I was rolling the roof and my partner was masking certain areas of the walls using tape. Some moments later my partner asked me if I could help her to mask an area of the wall, because she had trouble reaching that particular spot. In that moment I experienced a reaction of irritation, and this was accompanied by line of backchat, which went something line this:

“Can’t she do this herself? Why must I do it? Why cannot she learn to do this, it is simple, I should not have to go over and help her with this simple point.”

It was not only about me having to stop what I was doing, to go over to another part of the room and align the tape, what triggered my reaction was also a judgment, of perceiving my partner as being weak, because in my mind, she could not ‘handle’ this simple action – and I perceived it as if she was accepting this weakness, readily embracing it, instead of pushing through it, and for example, herself, learning how to mask that particular place.

So, when I bring this point back to myself, I can see that it is about judging weaknesses, and as well, judging not challenging weaknesses in solitude, but rather asking for help. This is what I would term a typical male approach to weaknesses. The belief that weaknesses must be fought, and conquered. However this is certainly a very one dimensional way of approaching weaknesses, because, what about learning from weaknesses? What about acknowledging my weaknesses, and then structuring my life in such a way that I can focus on my strengths, and outsource the parts in my life where I am weak? Or, what about acknowledging my weaknesses, and seeing that someone else is able to do it better than what I am, and thus, the project as a whole, would be more effectively executed if someone else did it instead – or – what about me learning from them?

And this also opens up a related point, if I am strong in a particular aspect in my life, what purpose does it then serve, that when someone asks for my assistance and support, that I become irritated and impatient? Rather, I could utilize such a moment to actually show the other person my technique, the secrets of my strength, explain the point – because that would that assist and support the other person to move themselves from being weak to strong. Thus, the reaction that I had is really counter-intuitive; because judging weaknesses only leads to pretending that one is strong in order to hide one’s weaknesses, and what good comes out of that?

Do I become strong when I hide that I am weak, or pretend that I am strong? No, that is not the case. Real genuine strength does not have to pretend – it is simply who I am. And when someone else shows that they are weak, in-fact that would be an opportunity for me to share my strength, and also, show others how to develop that particular strength.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge weaknesses, to react towards them, and fight them, and not want to understand them, not want to experience them, not want to have anything to do with them, because I perceive them to be a nuisance, a pest, and if I accept and allow one into my life, it will possess me and make me lose touch with the physical, with myself, with my strengths

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to suppress and fight weaknesses through becoming angry and frustrated, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this will not make the weakness go away, rather, if I want to transform the weakness into a strength, I will have to get to know it, and then see what is required to be walked to bring forth a strength, and then assist and support myself, or the other person, to walk a process to make the weakness into a strength

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge asking others for help, to judge recognizing that I am weak and that I need assistance and support within a particular point, to think that it is something bad, something that I should not accept and allow in my life, and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is in-fact a point of ego, how I am accepting an allowing myself to compromise the walking of a project, because I do not want to appear as weak, instead of simply, asking for assistance and support, or asking, how for help to improve my skills, and thus, pushing and moving the project forward in such a way that the best expression, the best potential will come through.

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself judging a weakness, reacting in anger and frustration towards a weakness, wanting to suppress a weakness, I take a breath, I bring myself back here, and I stop – and I see, realize and understand that this is a point of self-sabotage that I am accepting and allowing – and that the weakness will not go away only because I try to fight it – whether the weakness is in my or in another person – rather – I must understand the weakness – embrace it – because then I will be in  a position to direct it – and maybe what is required is that I ask for help, or if the weakness is in another, that I stop up, and patiently show them how to do it, or that I do it myself, or if I am the one that is weak, that I allow another to walk the point for me – and hence I see, realize and understand that a weakness is nothing shameful or bad that has to be fought – it is what it is and it can be directed just like any point – thus I commit myself to embrace the weaknesses and look for practical ways to support myself or another to turn the weakness into a strength – and also to invite help, assistance and support when that will be what is best


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Day 320: The Solution to Negativity

Put on the news for a while, and then analyze the content for yourself, was it negative or positive? Then, do the same with your inner backchat, observe it for a while, and then see if it is more negative than positive. Most likely, what you will find is that there is a lot more negativity than positivity. This is nothing wrong per say, it is simply how we have set up our minds, and thus our external reality, to function. However, this way of looking at life does lead to consequences and does create limitations. Most importantly, being caught in the negative precludes an active search for SOLUTIONS and it causes us to forget our POTENTIAL and the OPPORTUNITIES that are here which can be utilized to enhance our lives.

In order to expound on this point I am going to utilize an example from my own life, where I could clearly see, that my way of approaching the situation in a state of negativity, further cemented and procreated that negativity, in the other words, a form of snowballing. I moved to a farm situated on the countryside about a year ago and I do enjoy many aspects of the rural life, though from time to time I have missed living in a more populated area. This conflict was intense as I first moved here, and I had a tendency on only focusing on what was bad with the countryside; it was far to the nearest shop, there were few career opportunities, there were no people around with interest similar to mine, and I had many more responsibilities to handle when compared to living in a small apartment. I thought to myself that I had made a big mistake.

Then, slowly, I started to open up to the countryside, and I naturally acquired new hobbies that are connected to living on a farm, such as gardening, maintenance and upkeep of machines and houses as well as learning about animals and plants. I decided to explore bees and applied for a bee-keeping course, and got to know a lot of new people living in my neighborhood, many of them interested and passionate about plants and insects. A new life started to take shape, a life that I was curious to explore and get to know, and that I actually experienced more passion and interest towards if compared with the hobbies I had while I was living in the town.

This process of growth and expansion took place naturally as I started to embrace my new living situation and push myself to interact and participate physically – HERE – instead of being in my mind thinking about what could have, or what should have been. Hence, as I embraced life HERE – I began to see the opportunities right in front of me – I began to see a future and a potential for myself on the farm – something that was here all the time but that I had not had the ability to create or walk into before as I was too much in my mind.

What I have come to realize through this process is the importance of WHO WE ARE within what we do – it is not about whether we live in a town, or on the countryside, and it is not about whether we got the we always dreamt of, or are able to pursue the hobby we always desired – it is about what we do with it – it is about HOW we approach it, how we RELATE to it, WHO we decide to be; that is what makes all the difference. The fact that I have been able to expand and embrace the countryside has nothing to do with where I live, it was because I stopped thinking about where I lived, and placed my attention on CREATING my potential. And the nice thing about our potential is that it never goes away, it is always here, within us, ready to be developed and realized and put into manifestation regardless of where we are or what we do.

What we can all learn from this is that when we feel negative, depressed or hopeless about our current situation and environment, instead of going into that experience, we can realign our focus and look at and hold within us, our POTENTIAL. To see our potential, we must come back to reality, we must let go of that murmuring backchat in the mind and embrace what is physically here, and then, when we are here, we can begin to see how we are able to create ourselves within the given circumstances in a way that is best for ourselves, and . And sure, it is important to recognize that which we are dissatisfied with, however, it is equally important to take that dissatisfaction into a physical movement, of changing and directing ourselves, and our lives, to become better. There is always a potential, a best practice, and our job is to find it, hold it, and not let it go from our sights until it is HERE as a physical manifestation. This way we are actually doing something productive with our negative state, as we utilize it is a force of creativity, to push ourselves to make the best of ourselves.


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Day 309: Learning Cooperation

Since childhood I have experienced a resistance towards helping others when they ask, especially if I am at that moment doing something that I enjoy. For example, I might be sitting down writing, or playing guitar, and then someone comes into my room and asks me if I am able to run an errand for them. I will experience resistance in that moment; and usually what happens is that I will tell the person ‘not now!’ – and then continue doing what I am doing.

This way of approaching favors, and services has its roots in my childhood. When I was young I had many experiences where I would sit in my room, back then, primarily playing video games, and my parents would come storming in, often irritated, and demand of me that I do some form of chore in the house – and if I did not do it immediately they would threaten to turn off my computer, and sequester it until I do. These events were traumatic for me, because I would in one moment be sitting with and enjoying myself, then in the next moment everything would change and instead I would be demanded to do something I did not particularly want to do – NOW; and this created an experience within me of feeling invaded.

Now, I am soon thirty years old, and still I experience this feeling of being invaded the moment someone enters into my life and, while I am busy with other stuff, asks me to do something. And another interesting thing is that I will most of the times believe that they want me to do something NOW, while they sometimes do not have a specific time in mind.

I have realized that this pattern and experience of feeling invaded each time someone asks me to do something for him or her must now be directed. It influences me not only at home, but also at my work, where I will feel slightly aggravated and annoyed with each assignment or task that is added to my plate. It is common sense that we all have to do things we do not necessarily like, and that we had not initially planned on doing. Things can come up, and tasks might be proving to be too big for one individual to deal with by himself or herself. There are a myriad of reasons as to why someone would need my help; and it is not an invasion that is happening – it is simply someone asking me to do something for them.

I do not loose myself by for a moment, stopping what I am doing, and then moving myself to do something else, which I might not necessarily want to do, but that I see is important and relevant. I can always get back to what I was doing later on, and if I do have a tight schedule and I am sitting with something that I must get done now, I can communicate this, and then make a plan to help out later on. For communities to effectively work we MUST help each other, I have skills that others does not have, and they have skills I do not have, some are strong, some are intelligent, some are fast, others not, and when we share our skills and time with one another, we create added value for each other. If we only tend to our own interests, projects, and desires, the consequence is that we will limit ourselves. Cooperation is one of those awesome expressions that will add value to everyone involved. Together we can do more than we are able to do alone.

Another aspect of this is that many times what is asked of me, it does not only concern the other person but also me. For example, cleaning the house, this is something that will support me as well. Feeding the cats and making sure that they have sufficient with food and water, this is something that must be done, and it does not matter who does it. Feeling invaded and attacked clouds me from seeing the positive effects that can come out of taking the action asked of me, and how it can influence my world positively as well.

I can conclude that helping each other out is really important, being able to work together is important, and that cannot happen if one of the parties feels invaded every time a favor is asked. However, this does not mean that I should do EVERYTHING asked of me – it is important to make sure that I do have the practical space and time required to deal with my own responsibilities as well. It is not worth it to compromise my own commitments; a solution here would instead be to, as I shared earlier, make a plan and schedule a time for helping later on when this do not compromise my other responsibilities.

Solution

What are then the solutions? I have already touched on them: It would be to stop this experience of feeling invaded the moment it comes up – simply STOP – then to instead listen to what is asked of me, and unconditionally assess whether I am able to, or not, at this time, assist and support. And if I am able to, I have the time, to simply get up and move myself to help, remembering that I will be able to return to what I was doing later on – and that I am adding value to my life and the life of another. If I however do not have the time, then I can schedule one, and also explain to the person why I cannot help them at this moment.

Day 288: Who is doing more? Who is doing less?

During my week off I did some physical work on the farm where I live, and I did that together with my brother. It was a lot of fun, and I enjoyed the process of using my body to move myself in the physical. In working like this with another I had one experience that was recurring, and it was the experience of a form of discomfort, fear, anxiety coming up within me. This experience originated from thinking about whether I was doing more work than my brother, whether my brother was going to stop working, whether he was slacking, or whether I was slacking. There was a supervisor existent within me that compared, measured and analyzed the various efforts of the involved persons, trying to answer the question whether the work was divided equitably or not.

So, from where does this pattern originate? What I see being the core point is the idea of fairness, and the fear of things being unfair. With siblings fairness is a big deal, and when things are not fair, the same for all siblings, then what tends to happen is that fighting ensues. The problem with fairness as a concept is that it does not take into account the variables of life, and the fact that persons have different needs, wants, preferences, personalities, lifestyles etc. For things to be fair, it must be the exact same for everyone. All must do the same type of labor, put in the same hours, get the same recognition, have the same responsibilities, and so on. However, because life is not the same for everyone and because everyone is not the same, the concept of fairness is bound to clash with reality.

The fear of things not being fair includes a fear of me being fooled/deceived into doing more than others. As with the idea of fairness, this fear is bound to create problems and limitations when coming into contact with reality. For example, in holding unto the fear of doing more than others, what tends to happen is that I do not do what I am able to do, and I do not put into the hours, effort and precision I could have, because, what if I then do more than others? However the fact is that, in order to really stand and be effective in this world, I require being willing to do more than others, and to put in that extra effort even though nobody else is doing it. That is why it is called being an example, because such a point of integrity and drive has not yet been established as the norm.

Life is not fair, which is completely natural, and that is because fairness is a abstract mental concept created within and as energy, and experience, and not through actual consideration of what is here in this world – not through actually considering how this world functions – and not in consideration of what is best for all. That point of consideration, what is best for all, must be the primary point of movement and consideration, and what is best for all does at all go with the concept of fairness.

Hence, a redefinition of the word fairness, where this point is taken into account would be as follows:

Dividing responsibilities, tasks, or resources, in a way that is practical and that makes sense for everyone involved

With this redefinition of fairness, it is not anymore about who is doing more, or who is doing less; it is about, what is practical, and what makes sense. And in living this redefinition, the fear of doing more than another cannot be allowed to exist, because that will again initiate an ineffective way of looking at and handling reality, where it becomes about checks and balances, instead of looking at what is practical and makes sense for everyone involved.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing more than another, and fear that I will be used, and abused, to have to do work that I feel is rather someone else’s responsibility, and that it would be more fair if someone else do it instead

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with and as the concept of fairness, with meaning that everyone should do the same, and to the same extent – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I cannot accept and allow myself to build my self-movement on wanting things to be fair, as that will only lead to me doing the minimum amount, and then expecting others to do the rest, instead of actively living in such a way that benefits others and that creates outflows that are best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to do the same as me, and expect me to do the same as others, instead of accepting and allowing myself to be more flexible, and in this see, realize and understand that life does not follow the concept of fairness, life is not the same for everyone, and hence, attempting and trying to enforce a concept/ideal of fairness unto reality will inevitably cause conflict, and consequences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid labor and responsibilities, and do the least amount possible, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be used if I take on responsibilities and actively move myself to do what I see is practical and best for everyone involved

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to when I am asked to do something, to immediately reference my idea/definition of fairness, to see whether I think that it is fair or not, whether I feel that it is equitable or not, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is not an effective way of approaching reality, and that it is not an effective way of creating/forming/building a society/life that is best for all – because in doing that I require to see beyond what is fair and equitable and instead look at what is practical/best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that in keeping checks and balances, in viewing my life from within and as giving points to every action, or inaction, I am limiting myself, and clouding my view of reality and what is REALLY here – because instead – all of what I see is checks and balances – thoughts and inner conversations of whether I have done more or someone else have done more than me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath – bring myself back here – and push myself to be aware of what is really here – what makes sense and what is practical instead of my inner checks and balances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want things to feel fair and in this not consider what is practical and what makes sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want things to feel fair and as if everyone is doing the same job and nobody is forced to do more – instead of looking at what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not genuinely care for others, meaning, to in-fact care that others have the best life possible, and are truly able to enjoy themselves, to pursue and live a lifestyle that supports them to reach their utmost potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only care about myself and my sense of fairness – instead of caring about this physical reality and what is here in the flesh

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only care about whether I feel that I am doing as much as others are – and not care about what is practical and what is best for all involved participants

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only care about my feelings and emotions and not about what is going on here in reality – and thus I see, realize and understand that for a decision to be what is best for all – it must be based on what is physical – what is reality – what is HERE and that cannot be argued or debated

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am looking at my reality from a vantage point of checks and balances, weighing the contribution of everyone, who does more, who does less, etc. I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that in doing that, I am not giving birth to a living that is the most supportive and practical for all involved persons, and to do that, I require be HERE in the physical and look at what is practical and makes sense – and thus I commit myself to let go of my balances, and instead place my attention on what is physically going around in my world and move from that starting point

When and as I see that I am placing my focus on a feeling of fairness or a emotion of unfairness, when it comes to responsibilities, or receiving resources, or similar, then I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that what is best cannot be confined or defined within such limited experiences as fairness and unfairness – and that to see and create what is best – I must let go of self-interest and see reality without bias – see clearly all the various participants and the physical momentum – and thus I commit myself to develop and learn to see and assess my physical from a unbiased vantage point – seeing everything for what it is – and making a decision from that point – hence pushing myself to let go of self-interest and instead do what is best for all

Day 283: I Do More Than You!

Living on a farm implies taking care of stuff, and if you live on a farm that accommodates animals, taking care of stuff, implies taking care of animals. This is that situation that I am in at the moment, living on a farm with animals, and having responsibilities to tend to the animals.

However, in my situation there are some unusual variables to take into account. The animals, chickens in this case, are not legally ‘owned’ by me and another person has the more dominant, ‘ownership’ role in relation to the chickens. My responsibility to tend to the chickens was initially someone else’s idea, and the plan was that two persons were to clean the chicken coupe each weekend. These variables are important to consider, as they are an important of the reactions that have come up within me in relation to this responsibility.

So, as for the reactions, I have had thought of seeing myself as being jailed and used as a chicken caretaker, because recently, due to various reasons, I have had to clean the chicken coupe by myself, and still, I do not feel as if I am given any influence and power of the chickens as a ‘owner’ – and hence the backchat have come up: ‘I am the one doing all the work, yet I get nothing in return, people are just using me, I should not stand for this!’ – ‘I do not get anything out of this, why should I have to care for the chickens?’. Now, the emotional experience is unfairness, and resentment, and on a deeper level, it is all blame.

However, as I have walked this point, and become aware of these reactions, I have started to question this unfairness, and the concept of ‘ownership’ and ‘control’ – and why there must be an aspect of remuneration involved for something to feel as if it is ‘worth it’. As children, we were part of numerous projects, and responsibilities, yet seldom was there are sense of having to claim ownership and gain a form of reward because of our participation. It was a lot more natural to give, and receive, without thinking about who is getting more, who is gaining, who is loosing, etc.

I looked at the point today, and I realized that there are many people benefitting from the chickens that I care for. This benefit has no monetary implications for me; there are no rewards, though I can see, that what I do gives people nourishing and healthy eggs. Further, I take pressure of the actual owner of the chickens, as she does not have to give as much time and energy into caring for them. Moreover, it is actually supportive for me on a physical level to be outside, breathe some fresh air, and move my physical body around.

Hence, what I can see is that there are many positive effects flowing from my participation. And the experience I have of unfairness, well, it is just that, an experience, and it has no physical standing – because what does unfair really mean? That it feels as if everything is not equal for everyone? Why should it be exactly the same for everyone? We all have different schedules, different preferences, and different lives; hence, it is obvious that all things cannot be exactly the same for everyone.

Instead of looking at the experience of unfairness, what I should instead look at is physical, practical, cons that flow from this current setup. And here I can only see one, that I loose time. But time is something I do have, and caring for the chickens’ causes no buildup of pressure, and time constraint in my life – I have the opportunity to clean the chicken coupe without detrimental effects. And that means, that the only negative of this setup, is that it feels unfair, and as if I am being used – there is actually no real physical con.

This is a cool example of how something that feels like a big problem, in reality is no problem – and how it is easy to be fooled by the emotions of the mind when making decisions – believing that only because there is a emotion coming up, and this emotion is very intense, that it must mean that what the emotion is conveying is correct. A rule of thumb should thus be to wait with making any decisions until all emotions have been cleared – and the real, physical pros and cons of the decision have been established.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am facing a conflict within me, to place my focus on what I feel, instead of looking at the practical pros and cons of the situation, to look at what is a problem here in this physical reality, and not on what I feel is a problem in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that unfairness, and something not being just, are not acceptable reasons for deciding to not do something, because unfairness and injustice, both of these points are mental, meaning that they exist separately from this physical reality, and have no connection to what is needed, and what is best on a physical level – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain in the physical through looking at the physical pros and cons of a particular decision that I am facing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that it is unfair that I have to clean the chicken coupe even though I do not own the chickens, and I do not get to take part of all the perks of being the owner of the chickens, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in the idea/experience of ownership, and control, and make that point more relevant, and prevalent in my mind, than looking at what the actual benefits are of my participation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with and as backchat of how I feel that I am being used for the benefit of someone else, and that I am not getting to, or receiving all the perks that I see/feel someone else is, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my focus and attention on this point of unfairness, and enlarge it in my mind, to such an extent that I cannot anymore see the benefits flowing from the point, and where it is all about how I feel that it is unfair, how I feel that it is not equal, and that it is not good, and that it should be different

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be content with assisting and supporting a point in my life because I see that it is of benefit to others, and understanding that I do not need some form of leadership position, I do not need some form of special position, I do not need all the perks, what I require is that the physical pros of a point exceeds the cons, because when that is the case, it is best for all the apply myself in relation to the point, and when something is best for all, that is all the reason I need to get going

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that the solution is, to instead of thinking about, looking at whether the point is fair or not, to look at whether the point is best for all or not, because when a point is best for all, benefitting me as well as others, well, then there is no reason why I shouldn’t push myself and walk the point, and then it doesn’t matter who is in charge, who owns what, and what is where, because the point I am participating within will have a positive outflow effect unto others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is what it means to participate and live this life without ego, to be able to walk in this world and look at all points from a starting point of seeing whether it is best for all or not, and acting according to that, hence, not looking at points from within the question: ‘Does this serve me?’ – or – ‘Is this fair/just?’ – rather from the question: ‘Does this point support life’? – and if it does – there is sufficient reason to walk the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this not see, realize and understand, that when unfairness comes up within me, it is an indication that I have not yet established clearly my starting point, and that I have not yet looked at, considered whether the point that is before me is best for all, and whether there is as such a benefit in my walking/taking the point on – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not broaden my view, and way of looking at my life, and the points I participate within, to ask myself, is this best for all, does this support life, and is this supportive for me? And on the basis of the answer I receive on this question – ACT and move myself

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am reacting in a emotion of unfairness, resentment, and feeling that something is unjust, because I have to help with something, or do more than another, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this unfairness exists within me because I have not yet established how I am in relation to the point that I am facing, I have not yet discerned where I stand, and thus I commit myself to ask, what the pros and cons of the point are, and if the pros outweigh the cons, to then make the decision to participate in the point, and do so unconditionally, because I see that it is best for all – and in this understand that unfairness is a limited concept not taking into account that what is best for all does not need to be fair or just

When and as I see that am reacting in a emotion of unfairness, resentment, and feeling like I have to do more than another, while it is another that gets the most out of it, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this experience is mental, that it is a concept based on a mental picture of my life, and not on the actual physical practicalities of my life, and thus I commit myself to bring myself back to what is practical, through asking myself: ‘Okay, what are the pros and cons of this point?’ – and within this look at whether the point is best for all – and in this I commit myself – to if the point is what is best for all – and I have the possibility to walk the point – to do it – and walk it unconditionally with no ego – instead understanding that I am contributing to what is best for all and within that need fairness, justice, or sameness is required

Day 281: The Hell of Helping

helpLast week I had one of those days at work where things just pile up. Without any warning I had to take on a lot of work that was redirected from other parts of the organization due to certain events. In my mind, this constituted a moment of ‘helping’ that other part of my organization – and because of that some interesting things opened up within me with regards to the word ‘helping’.

Basically, what happened was that I became irritated and resentful because I had to take on these new and unforeseen responsibilities. And it was fascinating, because from a logical perspective, I could see that it made perfect sense that I handled this work, because if I didn’t do it, well, then it would end up with someone else. Further, it is part of my job description to support the organization in its daily operations – I am not supposed to be like an island that only makes sure that my things gets done and that I do not care anything about others.

I could see all of this, yet regardless, what grew within me was irritation and resentment, thoughts like: “Why do I have to do this?” – “Why did it have to be me?” – “I had so many different things planned for today, why me?” – and this battle began within me between reason on the one hand, and pure emotion on the other. My physical experience in this time was that of discomfort, and I could feel that my awareness was oscillating back and forth between being stable in the physical, and lost on a wave of emotion. I experienced myself as two people, and I knew I wanted to in that moment live what my reason was telling me, though due to the emotional experience, I could not give myself to actually making it my priority to contribute to the organization where I work.

Some days later I opened up the word help together with my partner, and this is where I started to see where this two-parted experience comes from, and especially why I have such an emotional relationship to things that concerns helping. When I grew up, my parents used to word help a lot. Though mostly, my parents were not really asking for help, sometimes their starting point would be for me to ‘learn what it means to have responsibilities’ or ‘it must be fair between you and your siblings’ or that ‘you should help because, well, you just should’ – hence as I saw it back then, they were not putting forth a real question of asking for help. This led me to start distrusting people that claim they want to have help. Because what I see when this word is mentioned, is someone that wants to deceive me, and get me to do things for them, because they have some self-interest that they want to be realized.

Obviously, that should not matter, because if I am helping another from a starting point of being conditional, then this is going to lead to consequences anyway – as I will feel that they must do something in return for me to make it fair. And this brings me into another aspect of why I tend to get angry when people ask me to help them, it is because I feel that it is not fair AND I feel that they are taking time away from me – coming into my life and creating a raucous – when I before had everything so nicely planned and sketched out. Thus, ripping me out of the schedule that I had in my mind.

Helping for me has thus been defined as a Hell-Point – something that I would like to avoid. I can agree to help, when I set the terms, the times, the when and the how, however when someone comes to me and asks for help, in a way that I feel is disruptive for the way I have planned my day, then, I feel like HELL – why me?

Because of my issues with helping (and also asking for help, though that is a slightly different variation of this point) I sat down and redefined the word – and this is what I came up with:

HELP
‘Assisting and supporting someone by giving one’s services or resources’

If we break this definition down, it firstly consists of assisting and supporting, which means that helping is an act of co-building and co-creation – it is an act of me stepping in to move with another in achieving a particular outcome. After that comes the word giving, which means that helping is an act of me sharing myself with another, an act of generosity – an act of me seeing that if I was in the position of the person that requires help, I would like to be given this service or resource as it would benefit me.

Thus, in my redefinition of helping I have made it clear that helping is an act of giving and co-creation – and the primary principle behind it all is that of giving as I would like to receive – and seeing the needs/requirements of another and acting to support another to fulfill those. Not because I am going to get anything in return, but because I care for another and wish the best life possible unto another.

In the following I am going to apply self-forgiveness and define my self-corrections as to my current relationship with the word help.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect emotions of anger, irritation and frustration towards helping – and immediately as I am asked to help – become irritated, frustrated, and feel pulled away from what I am doing, my life, and ‘important things’ instead of seeing, realizing and understand that this ‘important thin, is really existing as my own needs/desires and is not all the time that important, but merely an idea of what is important – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself through this self-absorbed way of observing the world to instead see what I can contribute for the betterment of the whole

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately as someone ask me for help feel disturbed and obstructed in my life, to feel as if someone is standing in my way, and this someone is being really annoying, wanting to control, rule, and direct my life without my permission, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only see my life, to only see my desires, to only see what I want to see, and to the whole, not the needs and requirements of the person that is in-front of me, but only my own needs, and desires, and only that which will be supportive for me, and my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated and angry when I have to help another, because I feel that they are taking me away from the things that I have to do for myself, and that I am being obstructed, and hindered in my movement, because I now have to do all these various things for another that I do not really want to do, and that I do not really want to be a part of, because want to do that which feels important to me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not expand my view and perspective of this world, and the people within it, to see, realize and understand that this world does not only consist of me, and that there is a lot more to take into account, and one of these points is that sometimes helping another is what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become resistant, doubtful, and hesitant when someone asks me to help, because I feel that I shouldn’t have to help them, and I fear that potentially they are using me, and they will not help me anything in return – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this experience within me is not real, and that what I instead should ask myself in the moment is whether helping, and supporting another with this point is best for all, and if I notice that I due to this get too much on my plate, then to delegate, and ask others to step in for me, to ask for help, so that all can share the workload

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am being used when someone asks me to help them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am compromising myself when someone asks me to help them – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that maybe, behind my back, I am seen as weak, because I agree with others and what they ask of me to do, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as weak and inferior within how I apply myself in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by another as being lenient and weak, and fear that they are going to start using me, because I am helping them out without any demands on my side, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to set a precedent where I am shown as being weak – and that others are going to start abusing me because I have set this precedent that is to lenient

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate helping with being/feeling abused, and misused – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not redefine helping into a concept that is supportive and best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to help people too much, and be too nice, and in that start compromising myself, and my life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to lose control over myself and my life, and start doing what everyone else wants me to do, instead of what I require, and have to do – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing touch with myself because all my focus is upon others, and what I should/have to do with others in order to support them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that it is unfair that I have to help another – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that nobody ever helps me, so why should I have to help another, why should I have to give of my time?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel used when someone asks me to help them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel misused when someone asks me to help them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that it is unfair that I have to help another because they will probably not help me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to give of myself and not get anything in return – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to lose myself and my stability because I will get spread thinly and used

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that there is a difference between being abused, and used, and that being used is not problematic, while being abused, which is to be used improperly, and in a way that causes negative outcomes for someone – and thus I see, realize and understand that being used is part of helping – and that as long as there are no consequences developing – it is completely in order to be used for a moment

Self-commitment statements

When and as someone asks for help, and I notice myself going into a resistance, a doubt and hesitancy, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that if I am able to help another, and I can see that helping another in this context would be what I would want for myself, then helping another is what is best for all – and thus something to honor – hence I commit myself – to when asked: Take a look at my day, and where I am within it, what I have to do, and look whether I can assist and support another in what they ask of me, and then I give them an answer, where I state that YES I will help, or NO because I have to do this instead – and thus I commit myself to answer unconditionally – with no strings attached as me wanting anything in return

I commit myself to HELP unconditionally as a giving of myself to another, where I do not expect anything in return

When and as someone asks me for help, and I become doubtful, and fearful that they might be abusing me, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that being abused by another would be when what is asked of me creates consequences in my life, or the life of another, where I as such would contribute to a world that is less than best, and thus I commit myself to in the moment cross-reference whether me helping another would initiate such an outflow, and within that give a clear answer back as either YES I will help – or NO

When and as I see myself reacting in anger, irritation and frustration as I am asked to, and then decide to help another, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this irritation comes up because I feel that it is unfair that I have to help another – though I see that I will never be able to expand my consideration and care for others if I only do the bare minimum – and that I won’t expand in my motivation and self-creation potential if I only do the same as others and not more – and thus I commit myself to move myself without the concept of what is fair or unfair – and instead look at – is this best? Does this contribute to a better world, a better life? And if it does – then I do it

Day 166: Wasting or Saving Time?

I will write about time, and my future today – in particular the fear of wasting my time.

So, today the following occurred, my partner asked me to assist her in removing a tick from one of our cats, and I said yes – but within me I was reluctant, and I didn’t really want to do it – the reason being: I felt as if this project of removing the tick was a waste of my time, the time I could’ve instead used to make sure I survive – doing ‘important’ work things.

The same point of fear of wasting time comes up when I decide to go out for a walk to support my body, or practice pilates in order to support my back – I fear that I am wasting my time, because each and every second of my day isn’t spent at making sure that I survive and that I make a living for myself.

It’s interesting, because due to my fear of wasting time, that stems back to fear of survival, I will compromise points in my life that supports my body, and thus my survival, such as going out for a walk, cooking a wholesome meal for myself, or taking care of my body – and I will as well compromise the wellbeing of others, such as the wellbeing of my cat, because I feel that it’s a waste of time to spend some moments removing a tick.

What is wasting time? Isn’t wasting time not using time properly? I mean, using my time to do something that isn’t for money, that can’t be wasting my time – that’s rather using my time, but doing something else with my time than protecting my continued survival in the system. Thus, the definition of wasting time, I’ve currently connected to the point of wasting money, loosing money, and not getting ahead in the system, but that’s not a clear and common sense definition of wasting time. An effective definition of wasting time is rather, to spend time in my mind, thinking, fearing, worrying, or feeling – being separate from my body and my world, and reality that is here – that is the very essence of wasting time – that is to say: not being PRESENT and HERE with myself in time, and with time. Thus, the most important point is not WHAT I do with my time, but WHO I am within what I do with my time, because that is the point that has real weight, and answers the question as to whether I am wasting my time or not.

Though, its obvious that I do require to spend time on survival, and money, because without that, my life can’t function – though – I see that this point doesn’t have to be walked in a state of stress and fear, that unless I am spending time on survival, I am wasting my time – Instead I can look at what requires to be done, how much time it will take, and then do it – then when I am done, I am done, and I’ve thus used my time to direct my responsibilities, and I can move on and use my time for other purposes.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my time according to how much money I am able to make in that time, or how many skills I am able to develop within that time that will allow me to make money, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define to value of myself and my life according to money, and believe that unless I spend my time on making money, or pushing myself to survive in this world, than this is time that I’ve wasted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly think about how I am spending my time, and whether, or whether not I am spending my time wisely, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this constant questioning comes from within and as a anxiety, and fear of wasting my time, wasting my life, and not doing or creating something productive or visible with my life, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I don’t need and require this constant anxiety, that I can instead simply look at what requires to be done, and organize, and plan my life to suit what requires to be moved, and then move the points accordingly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this anxiety exists within me, because I perceive that I am not doing enough, that I am not creating, or moving enough, and that I must do more in order for me to be effective, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask myself what it is that I am able to do, and whether I am doing what I can, or whether I can do more, instead of accepting and allowing this worry, and fear to remain on a abstract level, where I just feel like I am not doing enough, but wherein I haven’t actually schematized for myself exactly how I am using my time, and also asked myself, what I want to use my time for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to give myself time, to for example watch a movie, or go outside and take a walk, that is not a waste of time, because giving myself such a point, I am actually nurturing and supporting myself, and strengthening myself to be able to walk, and stand, and continue to apply myself in this process – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not decide for myself what I want to do, how much I want to contribute, where I want to contribute, and how I want to design, and create my life, and accordingly my a schedule for each day of the week, so that there is no anxiety, there is no fear, because I know what to do, I know what to spend my time on, and there is no questions about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a fear that I will not have enough time to spend on my business that I am walking, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a fear of wasting time, and fear that I don’t have enough time to put into my business, and due to this, my business will not move forward, and I will not be able to create anything for myself, in my life, because there is no money coming in, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as fear in relation to this point, instead of accepting and allowing myself to plan how much time I am to give to my business, to plan how much time I am to give to my process, to be specific, and make some decisions within myself, so that there needs to be no worry, because I know what I am doing, and I know how I am doing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this fear of wasting time, and this anxiety I experience, is actually very undefined, and I realize that it partly arises because I haven’t given myself a clear direction, and defined for myself what it is that I want to complete, and create, and move each and every day, and each and every week, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make clear directives for myself as to what it is that I want to create in this life, and then structure my time accordingly, and in my schedule, make room for me-time – where I for example go out and walk, and also make room for others in my life to come through, room for me helping and assisting them, room for being social, room for writing, and as such create my schedule and life in balance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a resistance towards helping my partner to take care of the cats, because I experience such a help to be a waste of time, something that will eat up much of my day – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this signifies, and shows, that I am in that moment possessed with and as stress, and with and as fear, and I see, realize and understand that no harm will come to what I am doing, or participating within, if I take five or ten minutes, to assist and support my partner with the cats – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be flexible with my schedule, to when I’ve decided to do something, also be able to stop doing that thing, and do something else, when that is required, without it causing fear or anxiety within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and define helping my partner with taking care of the cats as being less important, and less valuable than me doing my studies, or me spending time on my business, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create these ideas, and perceptions of myself, and time, wherein I see time as this elusive and hard-to-catch manifestation, that I require to constantly have my eye on, and push myself to use as effectively as I am able to, because if I don’t, it will run away, and disappear in the cracks between my fingers

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to fight to hold unto time, and exist within and as a fear of loosing time, wherein I believe that if I stop fighting, and if I stop struggling trying to keep in time, then I am going to loose myself, and loose my effectiveness, and loose my momentum, and my life will come to halt, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here, and realize that time is here in every moment, that time is not something that I am able to loose, or miss, or squander, because it’s here – I simply have to decide to live HERE with and as time, and direct myself in common sense, in time – and as such stopping to look, or trying to save time – but instead live within and as the time I am given HERE

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into stress, anxiety, worry or fear about the future, about my time, and that I am not using it effectively enough to stabilize myself in my life, and get my business, and other projects going, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that time is HERE, that time is not a elusive construct that I require to find, and save, and catch, and make sure it doesn’t run away – and as such I commit myself to take a breath and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body, and stabilize myself HERE – and walk HERE one and equal with time, and instead of fearing that I don’t use my time, direct myself as time – to make sure that I am living within directive decisions and that I am not living in fear of loosing time, or in worry that I am not doing enough

I commit myself to clearly define the goals of my life, to clearly define the priorities of my life, so that there exists no room for second-guessing, so that there exists no room for fear, or doubt, or anxiety, but that I know what I am doing, and why I am doing it, and how I am doing it