Tag Archives: helpless

Day 296: Redefining Purpose

Creating my purpose, which is a process I have walked actively for a while now. I have from time to time experienced myself conflicted in this process, and mostly this has been related to the feeling that things are not moving fast enough, that I am not getting through, that I am not getting the feedback, and response I would like. This in turn have caused me to start to doubt the purpose I have given myself, and wonder if I am doing something wrong, or whether maybe walking into the wrong direction.

I have decided to look more deeply into this recurring experience to see where it is coming from. What I have realized is that there is an undercurrent of desire existing in my definition and understanding of purpose, and that the conflict I experience is actually consisting of a polarity of fear and desire. Now, the desire in my purpose, is to reach a state of notoriety, to be famous, known and well-regarded. You know, like an expert speaking on the television, having the loyal followers, being quoted in books, and seen all over the world as a significant figure. An example of that would be Ghandi, or Martin Luther King – the epitome of a supreme and world known leader.

In analyzing and reflecting on this point I have now realized that having, and walking a purpose, is not real, unless that purpose is walked for a greater cause, something bigger than ME – meaning: A point I create and walk in my life because I see it is of benefit to OTHERS – to this WORLD – it is hence me GIVING of myself. Purpose is not about receiving, purpose is not about ME – and this is what I have not fully grasped. For me purpose has been about becoming someone for others so that I can feel purposeful.

And I cannot blame myself for misunderstanding this, because if we look at the world, and how currently define purpose, mostly it is connected to being ‘special’, ‘unique’, having some form of ‘god given talent’ – for example: I have rarely seen someone exclaim that it is their purpose to pick up trash, or to clean horse stables, or take care of weeds. Mostly purpose, on a world system level, is defined as this great feat of human creation and confined to special and heroic human beings that have lived special lives throughout the course of human history.

Hence, I will here relook at my definition of purpose – what is really purpose?

Current definition of purpose in the dictionary

1 The reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists: the purpose of the meeting is to appoint a trustee | the building is no longer needed for its original purpose.

* (Usu. purposes) a particular requirement or consideration, typically one that is temporary or restricted in scope or extent: state pensions are considered as earned income for tax purposes.

2 [Mass noun] a person’s sense of resolve or determination: there was a new sense of purpose in her step as she set off.

Sounding of the word

Pur-pose

Poor-pose

Port-choice

Put-port

Put-purse

Purr-purse

Purr-pose

Peer-parse

Peer-pass

Purr-position

Pour-Pose

The direct translation from Swedish is End-Goal

Creative Writing

In the sound of the word, is the sound PURR – which is the sound cat makes when they enjoy something. When petted, they purr. Then we have the sound pass, purse, or pose – where posing would be a certain position you take.

So, combining these sounds and the meanings of them, we get that purpose is a pose/action/movement we walk which in some way tickles our fancies – meaning – it is something that gets our blood pumping and we purr – we cannot help it – just as the cat cannot help purring when its petted.

And then, the Swedish translation of the word indicates that purpose is also about an END-GOAL – a VISION – something we desire to manifest in this world.

Hence – the question when establishing purpose for myself should be – what makes me purr? What is personal and close to me that I am passionate about – that I can develop and take as pose – a position – in this world? And then – as well – looking at what the END-GOAL – what it is that I want this purr within me to create – how can I – PASS-I-ON this PURR to the world?

Then – we also have the sound combination POUR-POSE – basically implying that something is being poured into a particular shape and form – a pose – a force is being directed to take a particular shape and form. For example, water is being poured into a glass of water, the water then taking the pose of water in a glass.

So, what i see is that purpose is about direction – about guiding energy, and movement. Purpose is a road map for what we do in this world, and do not do – it is the very REASON behind our movement and thus why we POUR our energy/life into a certain POSE in this world.

Redefinition of the word purpose

The reason and vision that moves a point forward

And when it comes to redefining it for the human experience – where focus is on ‘life-purpose’:

The reason and vision which drives me forward to pass it on to the rest of the world

Conclusions:

Hence, when it comes to purpose, it is important to clarify what is the REASON for my LIFE. Meaning, what can I contribute and give the will make a difference and enhance the life, of not only mine, but also the lives of others? Into what POSITION can I pour my life and time?

Then, the VISION must also be established, what is it the I want to create, what is the END-GOAL?

Finally, what is my PASSION? Where and what of myself can I pass unto others that will benefit them? Where are my strengths, my secret powers, those parts of me that I see is needed in the world, and that only I am able to bring; because that is the point which is required for me to take responsibility for – hence – my purpose.

And here it is important to not that passion is NOT an experience. Passion is instead that which I see that I can PASS ON – meaning – that of myself that I see myself giving to the world; as such passion is about giving of myself and not about having an experience.

Day 211: An Unknown Variable

In my world there has come up some points which I see that I’ve no direct control or influence over – and primarily they are related to someone having to do or finish something, before I’m able to take action and do my part. This has caused some conflict within me – and the reactions I’ve had towards these events have been anxiety and blame.

Now, the anxiety has come up, because when I perceive that someone else have control or direction over a particular point, then apparently I’m powerless in taking direction in my own life, and I’ve to wait, sit back and hope that the point gets sorted out. That then is something I perceive as a threat against my security, and survival in this world – because I’m out of control – no power and no direction.

Then the part of this reaction that is blame has come up because I see the other individual as being responsible for this state of anxiety and unsettledness that I go into – it’s apparently their fault that I can’t effectively plan my life, and move myself in the direction that I see is effective. Obviously, this is me trying to escape the prospect of taking responsibility for myself and my reactions – because the fact that some areas of my life might difficult to foresee doesn’t in itself imply that I must react in a state of anxiety – that is a pattern I’ve accepted and allowed within me and has nothing to do with the situation that I am facing.

Thus – what I see I require working with is this urge of having control and knowing where I am going in life – knowing what’s going to happen – what are my goals – and what my future will entail. And this relates to a blog I wrote recently on me standing as the fountain of life – and creating my life HERE from the starting point of me expressing and sharing WHO I AM here in every moment of breath. Because that is something diametrically different than trying to have a complete vision and picture of where I am going, what I am going to do, where I am going to contribute, and how I am going to live – standing as the fountain of life implies that I trust myself to create my life in real time – that I trust myself that as I walk my purpose and my process – my life will unfold and the points that I require to deal with will open up naturally.

Though, trusting that something will ‘just open up’ is not something that I’m at this stage comfortable with – I rather force something open just to be sure that it will open up – but this is not an effective way to go about living. Because when I force myself through life, I actually miss important points, opportunities, situations, and points – as I am far too busy ‘knowing’ where I am going – than actually living and being receptive to my environment and what is happening around me.

The trust in myself that my life will open up as I move is what I require to establish within me – because this will allow me to actually live – instead of just pretending to live attempting to reach an abstract goal somewhere in the future – that is apparently more valuable and worthwhile than life here.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that as I move and walk through my life – points will naturally open up and become visible for me to see – so that I can direct them – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a pattern of attempting and trying to force points into creation – to force change and movement into existence – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that when I force something I am not walking with life – with breath – and with the physical – which will have the consequence of me missing what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious and worried when I don’t have absolute control over my future and the events that will unfold – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must have a total control and direction over the points in my life and their process of creation – and that if I don’t have that – I will not be able to effectively create and build my life as I see that I require and need to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate not knowing what is going to come with worry and anxiety – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use worry and anxiety as coping mechanisms to handle uncertainty and the unknown – instead of accepting and allowing myself to trust myself as the fountain of life – and walk into the future within and as breath – to realize that the future is here and is something that I create in every moment of living and applying myself – and moving myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts, and backchat of anxiety and worry when there is a situation in my life that I can’t control – and that I can’t know the outcome of – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s the situations fault that I don’t feel secure, safe, and comfortable in me – and think that I require to force to situation to move the way I desire and want it to – for me to yet again feel safe – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force life – to force points into creation instead of walking with creation – and trusting myself that points will develop and expand as I develop and expand and move myself in my daily living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I attempt and try to force points – I’m in-fact moving points further away – and I’m causing conflict because instead of taking all points into account and moving myself with the physical – with breath – with what is here – I’m moving myself within and as anxiety, stress, and worry – and I’m making myself tense and unable to see what is before me – unable to remain objective and sensible – because I just want to fix the situation so that I can relax – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can give myself that point of relaxation unconditionally – that I can give myself that point of remaining stable and steadfast – without having to force the situation to go into the direction that I desire

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the solution to changing my experience of worry and anxiety is to force the situation to change – is to enforce my ideas of what needs to happen for me to relax and let go – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed within and as a state of trying to change my practical situation to suit my ideas instead of looking inwards at what I am accepting and allowing – and realizing that I myself require to change – because it’s my relationship with myself within that is creating this entire experience that I am having – that I am then trying to resolve through forcing a change in my external environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a enforcer in trying to rid myself of worry and anxiety – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the effective way and means of releasing patterns of stress, worry and anxiety – is not through enforcing a change in my practical reality – but is through changing myself – and standing in a state of being unconditional and facing myself world within and as stability and common sense – and directing points rather than enforcing my view of things must be and become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when this worry and anxiety comes up – stop – stabilize myself – breathe deeply in and out – and then state the word that I am calm – I am stable – and stand as these words with and as my human physical body – and thus change my relationship to my external reality – wherein I stand stable and steadfast within me – and I do not accept and allow myself to become a victim of emotions – that then lead me to enforce my way of seeing things – but I stand with my physical and direct points within and as common sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the solutions to my inner experience is to change my external reality – that it’s to enforce my way of viewing things and attain a control of my world – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is merely a coping mechanism – wherein I am trying to suppress my initial discomfort through gaining control and power over my outside world – not realizing that I am in this not dealing with the actual core issue – and the real problem – which is my relationship with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I am faced with a situation where I don’t have control – to breathe and stabilize myself in my physical body – to trust myself that as I walk I will direct myself and my life – and trust myself to stand as the fountain of life and have my expression in every moment be the creative force and motivation of my world – and that I thus do not accept and allow myself to enforce change in my external world to feel more comfortable and safe

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am trying to enforce a change, and redirect my physical environment for me to feel more safe, and secure – I immediately stop, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that the problem is not my environment but my relationship with and towards myself – my relationship with life and the unknown – where I’ve accepted myself as inferior and used this enforcer character to feel in control – thus I commit myself to breathe and to look within – and deal with the reaction that resides there – and make sure that I am clear, stable and sound before I act and move myself

When and as I react in fear, and anxiety because there is a variable in my world that I don’t have full control and direction over – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this variable is not what causes worry and anxiety within me – it’s not what makes me feel uncomfortable – rather what causes this experience is my relationship with myself – and thus I commit myself to take charge of myself through looking in – and dealing with – facing the experience that is coming up within me – and not blame and project this point unto what is going on in my physical direct reality

When and as I see that I am blaming a situation, or individual, because I think that they are causing anxiety and worry in me – because I can’t control the outcome of that particular point, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that what causes my experience is not the individual or the situation – and that thus they are not to blame – they are not to be focused upon – rather the focus must be placed here with myself – so that I can walk my life – and correct these experiences – and walk into the unknown and still be stable and certain in me – and direct me through the challenges that might arise

Day 80: I Don’t Want To Be Alone!

Today as I woke up I had an experience of sadness in my solar plexus. The nature of the thoughts that came up In relation to this point was of the kind that “everything is meaningless” – “I am a looser” – “there is something wrong with me” – so I can see that this experience is something that have been triggered during the day before.

6a013488670c86970c013488679417970c-800wiSo, what I am able to see is that this is experience relates to loneliness, and it relates to the hope, and desire to be accepted, and popular among people – that’s the polarity; either I am accepted and I feel great – or I am not accepted and I feel like shit. This point of sadness is me going into the negative polarity of feeling like shit because I’ve not been able to interact with others sufficiently well to be able to promote the idea of myself within myself that “I am accepted” and “I am good enough”.

What I am also able to see is that in this sadness there exists competition, and comparison – because the nature of the thoughts will be directed towards others, that I deem to be very popular, and socially effective beings, my thoughts will go to those, and sort of point out how successful and good they are, and what a failure I am – and that I obviously should push myself to be more like them so that I don’t have to experience myself like a failure all the time.

The origin point of this experience is thus aloneness, and also self-acceptance – meaning that it’s these two points that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to get down, and realize that hey: it’s nothing bad to be alone, it’s completely normal, and that obviously it shouldn’t influence who I am in anyway – and also accepting myself that: I am not like others, I can’t thus compare myself with others and say that “I should be like them” – because I am myself, and thus I should instead ask myself, instead of asking “how can I be like others?” – “how can I assist and support myself to expand and express myself more effectively?” – within that bringing the focus back to myself instead of looking out there at what I perceive others to be doing.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by and as a experience of sadness as I wake up, as a feeling that I’ve not been able to make my life as successful that I’ve hoped I would, I’ve not able to get as many friends, to build as many contacts, to create a big enough network, and to establish myself as a popular, and likable person in others life’s; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress, and forget about myself, and to see, realize, and understand that I am not accepting and allowing myself to nurture myself, and to give to myself, as I’d like to receive – which would be that I look at how I can expand, and how I can make my day, and each breath that I take, to be a full expression and movement of myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become enveloped in sadness, and in feeling pity for myself, in that “I have not been able to experience this world as much as I’d like to” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have hopes, expectations, and wants that my life is supposed to be this joyride of discovering new things, of opening up new adventures, and that there is something wrong in my life unless there is a constant feed of stimulation into my mind, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that obviously something isn’t per definition wrong the moment I don’t experience myself to be stimulated, and as if I am involved in a adventure; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice sticking with the physical – stick with what is real here – sticking with my breath, and physical movement – and realizing that everything else but that which is physically here is really but a delusion and not something of value and substance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that something is wrong when and as a I don’t feel stimulated, and when and as I don’t feel as if my world is expanding in the form of relationships, and in the form getting to know others; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my relationships, and my communications with others, perceptual – wherein the point only exists as a energy within me, wherein I feel happy, and energetically positive, and upwards, when and as I feel that others have given me attention, and I feel downwards, and depressed, when and as I feel that others simply do not care for me what so ever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to polarize my daily living through defining it as either being positive, or negative, wherein I will meet someone during my day, and speak with them, and then define that as positive, and then during some days, I won’t meet anyone, and then I will define that as a negative; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my life, and my daily living a rollercoaster wherein I constantly feel either hyped up, or sad and dismissed; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice stabilizing myself here – and living HERE within and as the physical – within and as breath – within and as each and every moment, wherein I accept and allow myself to not try to make myself more than, or less than, but that I live without polarity in and as every moment fully with my physical body here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy, and content when I’ve during a day had many conversations, and meetings with other people, and then feel as I’ve “succeeded” and my life has become better, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the interactions I have with others, and to see myself as either being positively, or negatively charged, depending upon how I perceive that others see me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, and understand that there is a point called self-acceptance – meaning that I don’t have to become something for another, but that I am able to accept myself here and simply be myself, and within that not create any positive, or negative reactions – but that I am simply here in every moment and walk the points that open up here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to having some kind of energy within me that is able to dictate to me how I should experience myself, what I should do, what I should think about, and what I should worry about; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not establish the point of realizing that I don’t need this constant up-and-down living – meaning: energy is limited, and it’s not even the real me, it’s not even the real physical – it’s a system that at death will not exist anymore – thus obviously basing my life upon energy is completely ridiculous, as it’s implying that I don’t base my living on reality, but upon something that is in-fact only a illusion, and that only exists subjectively for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I have a negative experience, that this implies that there is something negative happening for real, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that a negative experience, is merely a negative experience and is nothing more than a negative experience, just a as a positive experience is nothing more but a positive experience – it’s simply energies and these energies obviously have nothing to do with actual physical living – these energies are simply the outflow consequence of not effectively understanding and applying the point of living HERE without a mind, and instead living as words as a physical expression of myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the assertions made in my head, that I should be more like people I perceive to be successful, happy, and sociable, that they are real – and that I can’t be complete, and I can’t be whole, and I can’t be satisfied with myself, unless I change myself, and get my “life together” so to speak – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the obvious common sense, which is that what goes on in my mind has zero relevance to factual, practical living – and that my mind is a machine deliberately installed to fuck up my relationship with my human physical body, and this physical existence – and that as such I can’t trust anything that moves in this machine, unless I’ve in full awareness actually decided to think a particular thought, because I understand what I am doing, and see that I in-fact require to utilize a moment to think about a particular point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that a reason I feel saddened, is because I’ve installed into my mind all these kinds of references as what a “effective” and “good” life is apparently, through watching TV-series – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is good when and as I have lot’s of friends, when and as I have “my purpose” so to speak perfectly aligned, and this purpose gives me a positive experience, and I am noticed for having this purpose, and people align with me to support me in my purpose; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed with ME – ME – ME with MINE – MINE – MINE – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there exists more beings in this world, more points to consider than simply me – and that obviously life is not acceptable for real only because I experience myself positively charged in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the difference that exists between living in the physical, and living in the mind – because living in the physical is simply that: it’s me moving myself to do what you can do physically here – tending to my responsibilities, and my life and general, and then simply doing that without any reaction – while living in the mind is a constant experience of ups and downs – and either being more than, or less than, either succeeding, or failing; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not drop the complexity of my life as the mind – and to focus upon living simply – living simplicity – living and focusing upon making each and every breath a physically lived moment here

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a sadness, because I feel that I’ve not sufficiently been able to “get myself out there” and have me “be known” and “considered” by others – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am within and as this particular way of living allowing myself to forget, and shut my eyes to what is in-fact real – to what is in-fact physical, distinguishable, touchable; as such I commit myself to breath and bring myself back here – and to walk as my human physical body – to walk simplicity of living in breath and to realize that when living becomes more than breath – more than walking here – then I am in my mind and not here

When and as I see that I go into a state of sadness, and I experience myself lost, and as if there is “nothing to live for” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that living through the mind implies that I am living for nothing, I mean, because all that matters is energy, and the final outcome of energy is that it seize to exist , and thus by implication I am living for nothing; as such I commit myself to live as the physical here – and stop my mind – stop participating in sadness, and feeling dissatisfied with myself, and bring myself back here – and live here – and realize that I’ve not ever accepted and allowed myself to live and walk HERE in my life because I’ve thought that it removes me from life as energy – instead of understanding that energy is not life and that living here with the physical is in-fact living here as life.

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