Tag Archives: human

Day 98: The Pressure of Living

Today I noticed an undefined experience of heaviness within me, and I am in this blog going to go deeper into this experience, define it, and then release it through applying self-forgiveness.

Firstly, naming the game, what is this experience? For those new to the process of working with and investigating the inner workings of the mind, it’s important to understand how important this step is, because if you haven’t defined what you’re experiencing, you can’t deal with it. Thus, what is it that I am experiencing?

I would say that this experience is a form of fear, an underlying and constant experience of fear – and what I can see is that this fear is in relation to the pressure of living in the system – or to be more precise, the pressure I create within myself as fear due to the uncertainty and unpredictability of living in this current world system, wherein my entire world is completely dependent upon one thing to work – which is money.

It’s fascinating to look at how prominent this experience of heaviness is, and how it’s a direct consequence of how we as human beings have designed our world system. What’s even more interesting is that I am in this current world system placed in a fortunate position, which means that I do have a somewhat predictable life, I do have a access to money, I do have access to education, and I’ve been able to place myself in such a position in my life where my future in many ways is predictable, and is so to speak secured. Yet still this experience exists within. Then consider what people are going through that live on the outskirts of the system with absolutely nothing, wherein they do really in-fact face a completely uncertain life each day, where it’s not in anyway predictable whether they will have sufficient with money to buy themselves even the most basic necessities needed to sustain the human physical body.

Just imagine the pressure of living such a life, waking up each morning not knowing whether you’ll be able to eat or not – and look at the consequences this creates in our world – where does all crime originate? Where does so much of the unnecessary violence and harm done on a daily basis come from? It’s all due to our socio-economic background, all coming from the simple point of money and whether we have access to it, or not.

Obviously, in this blog, I am going to push myself to take responsibility for this fear, and this pressure I’ve connected to living in this world system, because the fact of the matter is that we can be in this system, but not of this system – we can walk this world with no fear – we can stand stable and unwavering regardless of what we face – yet to get to this point we require to shed the layers of programming that we’ve allowed ourselves to become subject to, and what I see in my own programming, is that most of my fear comes from what I’ve been taught by my parents – that I must fear the system – I must remain invisible, and hide away in some corner, so that I won’t be detected, and so that I can just live out my life and hope for the best – that I will survive.

The ultimate solution to this point is a new monetary and economic system, wherein all are given sufficient with money, so that this pressure point can’t exist within anyone – and there is a proposal for such a system, which I suggest that you investigate called the Living Income Guarantee.

Unfortunately, we’re not quite there yet, so thus I will walk the self-forgiveness on this fear of living, this pressure, so that I can get myself back into this physical reality – and instead of spending my days in fear instead act to move points, so that we do not require anymore to live in a world system that sucks the life out of existence.

Thus, the first point, as I showed above is to define the particular pattern, name the game, the next point is to ask questions and to within that dig deeper into the point – thus: why is it that I experience this pressure in relation to life in general?

What I see here is that I fear uncertainty, I fear unpredictability, because this implies I have no control – and no control implies that anything can happen – I can’t foresee what is going to happen, and how it is going to happen – and this scares me because I believe I can’t be stable in a position of having no control, which implies that I’ve defined my stability within myself according to how points move in my external world – and I mean in this case that would imply MONEY – that I’ve defined my stability within myself according to how MONEY moves in my world – instead of realizing myself as stability HERE – standing as stability HERE regardless of how the point of money moves in my world, realizing that money is a tool that I can use, but not a point that defines who I am because that is a decision I make.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define stability according to money, and to believe that without money I can’t be stable, and to believe that the amount of money I have, the amount of property I own, what career I have, the amount of salary I earn each money, defines my stability – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to make the decision to define myself as stability, and to as such make the decision to not accept and allow myself as stability to be determined by any external point such as money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I will only fear not having control if I’ve placed some form of value in having control, if I’ve somehow defined myself in relation to having control – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not come to terms with, make peace with the fact that I do not in-fact have control – that this world is unpredictable and uncertain and that reacting to this fact doesn’t in anyway change the situation – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push this point of standing in the system, but not being of the system, realizing that what I do in the system, and in this world doesn’t define who I am – that the amount of money I have doesn’t define who I am – but that I define who I am in each and every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stabilize my relationship with money, so that this is in all ways a practical relationship, wherein I see that I need to have money in this world in order to sustain myself, but wherein money doesn’t define who I am, and that me sustaining myself in this world doesn’t define who I am – but that I instead stand in this world, but not of this world – I walk my career, I walk my points of managing, and earning money – but this doesn’t define me as I define myself here in every moment of breath – I decide who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value into having control, to place value into the feeling of safety and security, and think, perceive, and believe that this particular experience of safety, and security is something that I need in order to be stable here with myself – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as stability to a feeling – thinking and believing that without me having this feeling of positivity, of feeling comforted, of feeling secure, and hopeful, that I am okay – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this is obviously not so – because the obvious fact is that what I feel doesn’t in anyway correlate to what is real, and what is physical, and what is here – it’s just a feeling – it’s just a experience – and nothing that I am able to trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that what I am able to trust is every moment HERE – is that I am here in this very moment, and that I am able to in this very moment decide who I am, to decide how I live, to decide where I stand, to decide myself; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back HERE in every moment of breath, to realize that only HERE is real – that only this moment here is what I am able to fully trust because it’s in-fact proven that I am here in this moment, which I am able to cross-reference for myself in every breath through being aware of myself interacting with my physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can trust the physical, meaning, that the physical is always here, the physical is consistent, the physical is perseverant, the physical is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, and it doesn’t change – and as such I see, realize and understand that the solution is to practically equalize myself to stand one and equal with and as the stability of this physical reality – because obviously this physical reality doesn’t accept and allow itself to have it’s experience of itself change due to money – but money is simply to this physical a world a matter of practicality and nothing more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define stability as having a house, as having a family, as a having certain outcome in this life, as a life path that I can follow – such as for example following in the footsteps of my father – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear anything that is new, to fear anything that I can’t control, to fear anything that I can’t foresee, and to fear making decisions wherein I can’t be absolutely certain on what the outcome of the decision will be; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to exist in fear instead of standing equal and one to and as the physical, equal and one with and as my body, and to live HERE in every moment and not go into fear of living, fear of being here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my life as a constant state of pressure, wherein I feel pressured to live in this world, pressured by the fact that I know that if I do not have money, I can’t survive, pressured by the fact that I know that if I do not have a job, I will not have money, and thus not survive; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself believing that I must experience myself in this pressure, and in this constant of fear – as fearing what might happen – instead of realizing that I can stand stable, clear, and directive in this fucked-up world system – and not accept and allow myself to be influenced by the uncertainty and unpredictability of this world currently functions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into pressure and stress in regards to my school, in regards to my studies, in regards to exams, fearing the point that I don’t have absolute control, and a absolute foreseeing as to how my life will evolve in terms of career, and money as points that flow from my education, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make peace with the fact that control is illusory, that predictability and certainty is illusory, because in this world those things in a absolute level doesn’t exist – they are merely ideas, merely experiences that I’ve defined myself in relation to; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – to take a breath and to stabilize and equalize myself with that which doesn’t exist in fear – which is the physical – which me standing here and living as one breath – walking and dealing with this ONE moment here – and not accepting and allowing my mind to project me into any form of dream or future projection or hope

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into a state of pressure, and a state of fear, as a fear of not having control, and not having a certain outcome in relation to my life, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this point of wanting to control, of believing that there exists control and certainty in this life – it’s not real – it’s not valid – and that the only point I can in-fact trust is this moment HERE – and the fact that I am here – and HERE I can make decisions – HERE I can direct my life – HERE I can make a difference for myself and the rest of this world – but that can’t happen when I exist in a illusory state of projecting myself in to my future; as such I commit myself to push and discipline myself to remain HERE in every moment of breath and to let go of control – to let go of the feeling of security in relation to money, as feeling that I must have a certain future to be stable – and I commit myself to instead live that stability here in every moment of breath – as a decision that I make

When and as I see that I am going into a state of anxiety, fear, and pressure, because I am worrying about money, and how my future will look like in relation to money – I immediately stop myself, and I see, realize, and understand that I can only work practically with my physical relationship with money in this moment HERE – it’s thus HERE I can walk a point to prepare money for me and make sure that I will be able to sustain myself in this world – it’s thus HERE I can establish skills, and a network for myself so that I can sustain myself in this world – it’s HERE I can work with what is in-fact my life which is this physical real reality; as such I commit myself to bring myself back here to my human physical body and work directly with what is here – and within this see that fear is in it’s very nature – useless

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Day 95: Discipline and Motivation as a Decision

So fMatt-Kenyon-05082011-005ar in this process of self-realization I’ve come to understand that one of the most important characteristics to developed and walk as in one’s daily living in order to bring through real change is discipline – and within that – commitment, steadfastness and focus – to take the bull by it’s horns not only for one day, but for several days, for several months, for several years, for a lifetime – and walk it consistently until change is manifest HERE – only through walking change relentlessly without wavering, and without giving way to excuses and justifications as to why one is allowed to slack, or “take it easy” will real measurable change come around.

This is thus the point I am going to work with today, because recently I’ve come to see that this is a point that I am not applying as effectively as I could, and the consequence of this is that nothing moves, nothing in-fact happens, nothing comes about – and everything just remains the same.

It’s interesting though, that in some aspects of my life this expression of discipline comes through clearly, and this is in particular with my studies and with my work – thus – points that are directly related to money; when it comes to walking the same principle in regards to self-change and world-change – there is not that same drive and motivation – there is really nothing within me that in anyway resembles a initiation and movement – a motivation – looking at the point of in-fact moving myself to bring about a better existence for myself and others there is instead a resistance – a experience of “I don’t want to do it”.

What I am able to see within this is how I’ve limited my expression of myself as discipline to only exist in relation to money, career and personal interests – and within that limited discipline to only come about when I feel there is something that I can get out of it personally – when I feel that there is some type of reward waiting for me at the end that I will be able to enjoy and feel good about.

Though, it’s really interesting – that looking at the point in common sense – it’s obvious that in deciding to walk change there is direct personal rewards – because in in-fact manifesting a reality that is trustworthy, stable and nourishing – this will directly impact on my life – but because there is no energy involved within physically applying this realization as the simplicity of interconnectedness and how in creating for the best of all – this will also mean that I am creating a reality that is best for me as well – it’s not something that I’ve pushed for and walked as diligently that I have the ability to do.

Thus, energy, feelings and experiences of motivation towards particular point is in-fact a limitation, because it gives a very one dimensional picture of what I am creating – because the only point is considered is how I will “feel good” – I will “feel good” if I have money – I will “feel good” if I have the best possible career – I will “feel good” if I fulfill my desires; but the actual physical outflows of the points – the actual physical reality of the point is not considered – and thus – the energies of motivation and ambition are limited and can’t be trusted.

Because, I mean, I will quite possibly feel great if I have the best career possible, BUT – will that imply a actual physical greatness or only that I experience myself as feeling great while the world around me, while my relationship with myself, while this existence is continuously decaying and falling apart right before my eyes? To feel great about something is not the same as walking and acting within a principle that brings forth an outcome that is of real greatness – this is crystal clear.

The skill that I see I need to develop is that of aligning myself with my human physical body, this physical existence, and looking at the outflows of my decisions and my daily living on a physical level – and then within that not needing any form of motivational energy to move myself – because I see in common sense the actual physical outflows of my living and within that I am able to discern what is best for myself as the physical – and because I stand as the physical it’s common sense that I move myself to create that which is best for myself as the physical; no energy needed – no experience – it’s simply common sense – I want what is best for me as this physical world and reality – I want what is best for myself as my human physical body; to require some form of energy to move myself would then be a form of self-abuse as neglecting myself as the physical to do what is best because I do not feel like it – and that is obviously completely absurd and detrimental.

The physical body does not need a feeling of motivation to perpetually day out and in take responsibility for, and make sure that the heart of the body continues to pump blood around in the body – wouldn’t we all be dead if the body one day decided that it required a energy of motivation to continue supporting it’s basic functions? Surely – if the human physical body would have such an ineffective relationship with itself as we humans have towards ourselves in relation to how we decide to act and move ourselves, all humans would’ve been dead decades ago.

The human physical body is really such a cool example of what it means to live consistency, of what it means to act in common sense, looking at what is the best action and not what action I feel the best about – feelings are really nonsense – and even though it feels so good to follow them around, the consequences we create in our world in doing just that are not in anyway worth it – why not instead allow ourselves to create actual and real physical positive outflows? Such as changing ourselves and this world into an existence that is worthy to live in – where we treat each other with respect and dignity – and do not allow ourselves to follow what we feel – but that we instead walk that which is common sense.

There is a undeniable answer to this question – it can’t be argued – I know what is the best for me – we all know what is the best for ourselves – now we simply have to live it into reality – and make our words stand as the principles of our living FLESH or SELF.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is completely ludicrous and detrimental to accept and allow myself to require a energy experience of motivation and excitement in order to move myself to get thins done in my world – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need and require something more than myself for me to make the decision to change myself – to make the decision to each day contribute to my fullest ability to bring into a existence a world and a reality that I am proud of – that I am pleased to live within – wherein I know that each and every point is treated with respect and are valued as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize to what extent that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and create injurious consequences for myself and others in my life – wherein I’ve accepted and allowed myself to downgrade and devalue what is real – what is of actual worth – what is of real substance – which is my physical life – my physical living – this physical reality; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consistently – diligently –with perseverance – push myself to each day contribute to LIFE – to the PHYSICAL – to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need, require and must have a energy of motivation in order for me to move myself to create that which I in common sense see is obviously best for all – is obviously common sense – it’s obviously what I see will have the most positive and real effects for this world as a whole; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to stand equal and one with and as my human physical body – to realize that my human physical body is an example of consistency, steadfastness, perseverance and stability – that my physical body each and every day takes on this physical world – takes on it’s responsibilities without wavering – without fault – without feeling depressed – without feeling helpless – without feeling hopeless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the consequences I am creating for myself by not walking fully – completely – giving myself and this process all that I got – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the consequences is that I am not going to be able to bring forth a new world – that the consequences is that I will set an example unto others of giving up – that the consequences is that I am not going to be able to stand before all of existence – with no shame – when asked question: “what did you do to change the horrendous abuse taking place in this world on a daily basis?”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is obviously no meaning to walk a particular point unless I do it wholly – completely – fully – not accepting and allowing myself to walk it halfway – to just walk it as much as I feel like walking it – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push my limits – to push myself to make every breath a breath of creation – a building block of life and not a building block of compromise – self-abuse and neglect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the decision to step up to my responsibility that I hold in this life to create a world that is livable – that is effective – that is not contaminated with abuse, fear, distrust, and disloyalty – but that is a world I am able to be proud over – and that I am able to with complete confidence allow my children to walk into – knowing that they will not be harmed and that they will not be compromised

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand within and as togetherness with a group – willing to together with others create and bring forth a world that is best for all – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become caught upon in my own self-interest – as me wanting to change by myself – me wanting to impact by myself – me wanting to be special and unique by myself – me wanting to be a change in this world so that I can become recognized and considered famous; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give up my self-interest – and unconditionally stand and walk for world change – for what is best for all – not expecting or wanting anything in return – but doing it because it’s about integrity – it’s about who I am and what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow

Self-commitments

I commit myself to develop, create and live as the word discipline without needing a feeling to motivate me to live this world – and to practice and perfect living this word consistently every day till the end of days – and as such I commit myself to learn from my human physical – and see how effective my body is in it’s daily living – wherein it’s walking consistently – doing what is required and need to be done without a energy – without a experience – simply applying the action of what requires to be done HERE

I commit myself to realize and walk the realization that – there will never come a energy, a motivation, a feeling that I would want to move myself – and that I have to stand as the word movement as myself – and that I must make the decision – and make the decision real through in physical reality living that which I see is best for all – making the decisions that I see are best for all – and within that stop waiting – and making sure that I utilize each and every day to the fullest of my capabilities

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Day 56: Being Effective With Money

I’ve decided to take on a career opportunity in my world that is within the arena of sales, and within doing this I’ve noticed many fears come up I relation to money.

the-creation-of-money-prev1210277226g40efFI can see that I’ve been fearful around money during most of my life, and that this fear originates in essence in a belief I have of myself that I am simply not capable, or strong enough to walk in this world, and be able to handle myself. So, when I look at money, and the process of making money I experience a sense of helplessness and disbelief – like: “I will never be able to do this!” – “How could I possibly believe I am capable of this?” – so I want to give up before I’ve even tried – which obviously will have the consequence that I do not make any money, and that I do not make my career-path a success – I mean – without physical action, and physical movement there will be no rewards – because this very existence is based upon the accumulation of physical events.

So, it’s fascinating that I’ve simply aligned myself with this disbelief, and helplessness without ever having diligently walked the point of making money in my own business – I mean – it’s fascinating because how am I even able to know that I “can’t make it” when I do not have any reference – because I’ve never actually walked the point?

This shows me one thing – that this experience of disbelief, and helplessness is really only a self-manipulation tactic to cover up the real story – and what is then the real story? Well – as I see it – apparently being unable to move myself with money is the perfect excuse to simply not take any risks, not place myself out there, and not in-fact walk the opportunities that presents themselves here – thus it’s a way I use to not have to face reality, and to instead have myself live a comfortable life without any challenges, without any difficulties, without anything that I don’t understand, without having to learn anything new – I mean simply let myself live in this comfortable state of stagnation.

So, it’s like I’ve become addicted to stagnation, and a comfort-zone of having my life, my money, my employment, and just being satisfied with that – because then I know that I am apparently safe, and I won’t be at risk of getting into a position in this world of poverty, or having no money.

This is also interesting – that I fear poverty, and being without money, because it implies that I’ve in-fact separated myself from power, and self-movement, thinking that what drives my world is money – and when I have money everything will be okay – instead of realizing that it’s not that simple; I mean I can have all the money in the world yet this won’t mean that I am in-fact effective in my life, or that I walk in self-direction, and without fear – it just means that I have money, and that I am able to buy stuff with this money to make my life comfortable – yet it doesn’t say anything about my day-to-day living because that is obviously something I must within and as self-motivation, and self-will actually create for and as myself – and this will be so regardless of whether I have money or not.

Thus – I can see that I’ve defined money as my power, and my authority – and thus separated myself from these wordsthinking that as long as I have money “everything is okay” – instead of realizing that this is not the case – proven by the fact that there are lot’s of people that live in financial excess yet they have not done anything worthwhile with their life’s – proven by the fact that earth is still only a hellhole that most human beings would rather not have to experience at all.

Thus – time to take back my power, and authority – stop blaming, and shoving my responsibility towards myself, and this world unto money – and instead see that the point that is relevant to develop, and perfect is my relationship with myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make money my god, and sort of expect that money is to come to me, and that money is to give me life, and that money is to give me power, and authority – and that within this I don’t have any power at all and what I can do is apparently only to stand by and watch as money gives me the ability to live, direct myself, and walk my life effectively within a principle that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate the expressions, and livings words of authority, and power through defining these words in relation to money – thinking and believing that I need money to stand within and as myself in a position of authority, and power – and that without money I am helpless – thinking that having no money for me is like giving superman some kryptonite so he looses all of his powers – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am able to develop myself into a state of effectiveness, and self-independence so that I am able to stand as authority, and as power – regardless of what points I face in my reality – regardless of whether I face poverty, or having no money – I still stand as the point of living here in each moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that money is my morphine, my heroine, my point of super-power-giver – thinking and believing that as long as I have money everything is okay – as long as I have money my life is perfect – as long as I have money I can simply relax and let the day’s pass, and let myself go into a comfortable numbness of not doing anything at all with my life – because apparently it’s all okay because I have money; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make money more than what money is – and inflate money to be some sort of super-power that I am able to charge myself with to become a super-human-being – instead of realizing, and understanding that money is simply a physical manifestation in this world that allows me to survive – and that it doesn’t have anything to do with my acceptances, and allowances, and who I will myself to be as a living and breathing being here in every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself to not have to in-fact do anything with my relationship towards money, and this world system, through thinking that I am helpless in relation to money, and experiencing within me a sense of disbelief – as thinking that – “I am not able to deal with money, and a career, and be successful anyway” – and as such I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that these experiences, and statements is merely a way for me to manipulate myself to not stand up in my relation to money – to stand one and equal to money – and direct money as myself – thus not feel or see myself as inferior to money – but instead learning, and educating myself how to effectively make money – and be stable, and proficient within making money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money, and to believe that money is in someway this unpredictable force that I don’t have any control over – and that in any moment is able to simply push me down into the abyss of poverty, and lack – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the nature of money is really quite simple – and that it’s based upon physical accumulation of events – and that I’ve in essence made money to be more than what it is so that I won’t have to deal with money, look at money, and learn to work with money effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that in order to be able to be successful in this world – I can’t in anyway let myself feel, or think myself to be inferior to money – and think that money is in someway this “market-force” that magically moves to me – but I must stand within the realization that money is a consequence of my daily-living application – and as such I am able to learn to direct money, and do so effectively in order to sustain myself in my world – and to be able to support myself in pushing myself to become more effective and stable in my movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I’ve a desire to stagnate, and to simply be satisfied with having a employment, a mediocre salary, a mediocre lifestyle – where I don’t have money – because I’ve defined money, and the point of making money to be superior to me – and as being something that I can’t understand, that I can’t get my head around – that is simply above me – and thus it’s best to simply accept myself to a stagnating position because that is safer; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not challenge myself to expand, and direct my relationship with money – and to understand that in order to in-fact accumulate a considerable amount of money in this world I require to stand equal to money – and understand the patterns of money – and to align myself within directing money effectively – and within this there can’t be any fear because then I will simply not see clearly the patterns that money move within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view, and define money as being something that gives me power, and authority – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having any money in my life, in fearing that I will then “loose myself” – and I won’t be able to anymore be directive, authoritative, and assertive in my world – because I will have no power – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place money on a pedestal – and to believe that money is more than me – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am the point of direction in relation to money – and that it’s my decision whether I am to have money in my world or not, because I am able to educate, and learn the process of how money moves – and learn to direct this point effectively – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand one and equal with and as the manifestation of money – and stop fearing money – but to instead understand, and learn to direct, and move money within oneness and equality as breath here

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I look at money and view at as something more than me, that moves without my will, without my direction, and that it’s something that I simply can’t understand – then I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is me trying to manipulate myself into a state of inferiority – so that I won’t have to in-fact learn to direct money, understand money, and become proficient within the use, and accumulation of money in my world – as such I commit myself to stop fearing money, and instead educate myself as to the pattern of money, and learn how to accumulate, and direct money in such a way that is effective for me

When and as I see that I look at money and think that money is what gives me power, and authority – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that money is not what gives me authority, and power – because I am the point that gives me these words – and that thinking that money does this is simply a excuse to not develop, and create myself as these words – and to live as these words regardless of circumstances – as such I commit myself to stand up, and practice living power, and authority – and do so regardless of what circumstance I live within

I commit myself to live power as me practicing to be the directive principle within me, and within my world – not accepting and allowing myself to be moved by consequences but instead me moving me within oneness and equality as breath

I commit myself to practice living the point of authority – as me being the author of me – thus me deciding who I am – what I live – why I am – how I am – and not accepting and allowing money to be what decides this for me

When and as I see that I don’t want to develop a effective relationship with money because I feel that it’s comfortable to stagnate, and simply accept myself as being mediocre in relation to money – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that money is in a way one of the most important points for me to learn to direct effectively because it determines so much of how effective I am able to be in this life in terms of supporting myself, and having influence, and a impact in this world – as such I commit myself to get to learn, and understand how I am able to accumulate, direct, and move money within oneness and equality here – and thus stop being a slave to my fear and instead understand the manifestation of money as it currently exists within and as this world

When and as I see that I go into a experience of disbelief, and helplessness in relation to money – thinking that “I am not able to do this” – “I am not good with money anyway” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I mean obviously I am not effective with money because I’ve never given this point any attention in my life – all of my life has been about searching for positive energy and not in-fact developing myself to be able stand in this world effectively; as such I commit myself to push through this resistance and in-fact develop skills, and effectiveness with money – so that I am able to direct money and not be directed be events and feel lucky that I am able to have money in my world

When and as I see that I look at, and perceive money to be this godly, and unpredictable force that I simply can’t understand – because it’s apparently “so powerful” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is simply me trying to manipulate myself to not have to establish a effective, grounded, and stable relationship with money – where I direct money and not the other way around; as such I commit myself to push through my fears, resistances, and excuses – and to in-fact develop a effective relationship with money wherein I direct – and I am not directed by external events – because I move myself

When and as I see that I want to simply run away from money, and go into a secure life where I don’t have to challenge myself in relation to money, where I don’t have to feel exposed, and uncertain that I won’t have any money – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this type of living, and application is in-fact simply self-sabotage wherein I do not allow myself to expand myself because of fear – as such I commit myself to not let fear make decisions for me – but that I instead look at what is best for me – where I am able to expand myself – and then I move myself into that direction

When and as I see that I want to go into the desire, and manifest the desire of accepting my life to be mediocre, in that I accept that I have a small salary, and that I have my safe employment, and that nothing in my world is really a challenge, but only a point that I accept because I fear doing anything about it – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is me – simply sabotaging myself because I don’t allow me to see that I am capable of creating myself in such a way that I can effectively earn money, and create, and substantiate my life with a effective income – and that what stands in my way is in essence only myself – I mean – I am my worst enemy – as such I commit myself to stop thinking about how apparently hard, and difficult it is to learn to become effective with money – and instead simply do it – realizing that a thousand mile journey always begins with a single step

When and as I see that I feel that I don’t want to have anything to do with money, but instead focus on what makes me happy, and what makes me feel good – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in order to be effective in this world I must focus on money – because money is such a all-influencing point that influence all human beings in all aspects of their life, and living – as such I commit myself to develop this relationship and realize that this is the key to freedom – and that happiness is only a form of isolation, and satisfaction in being jailed, and imprisoned in one’s own limitation – as such I commit myself to equalize myself with money – to push through my resistance and become effective with money

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Day 54: Facing Fear of Conflict

Recently I’ve begun to notice a physical unconscious pattern of fear that I go into when I meet people – I tend to experience this when I meet people that I have no former relationship with, and that I do not exactly know how they will behave and act around me.

So, for example – I was out walking just some time ago, and as I was walking down the road I noticed three individuals coming towards me – these individuals where male – so just within noticing them I could notice that I went into a slight heightened awareness, a slight experience of upholding myself, and my presentation – becoming more aware of what position my body is in and how this might seem to someone that looks at me – this was the first point I am able to notice – a slight heightened awareness – almost like a statement of: “oh oh, here comes people – better activate my people-character”.

Then as I came closer to the people I noticed how a fear arose within my solar-plexus – and this fear is particularly in relation to the point of unpredictability with people, and also the fear of not being able to read people – and thus get myself into a situation wherein I am being attacked, or seen by another as less than.

So, as I walked past them I could feel this physical reaction arise within me – and then as I passed them the reaction was gone – and I simply continued to walk.

when_the_sun_goes_down_by_redtweny-d3f2j8aNow – I find it interesting because I am able to relate this particular reaction to what I’ve been writing about the last couple of days – which is the desire for approval, or seeking approval as a form of comfort, and also fear of conflict; and recently I’ve begun to notice just how debilitating fear of conflict, and fear of not being approved is to me, and that it in essence blocks me from expressing myself unconditionally, and with ease in each moment of breath.

Recently I read a blog wherein someone explained that from young we’re educated (if you can call it that) to not show our negative experiences, but to present a fake façade of niceness to everyone; now – this is a particular character that I’ve participated within lot’s, and one of my major fears is to show the negativity within me when I am interacting with people – and this is also one of the points that cause the most conflict within me – because when I do have a negative reaction, I go into a negative reaction towards the negative reaction as I am trying to hide the negative reaction from others – so it’s like a double reaction.

For example – as I walked past these individuals and I noticed the fear coming up, a simultaneous point that came up within me was that: “they must not see how I really experience myself” – so within this I want to make sure that I present a “presentable” exterior to others as someone that is stable, and calm – in fear of being judged as weak if I do not present this stable and calm exterior.

So, here I am able to bring all of this back to myself – to see that really I fear my own reactions, and it’s I that fear to be open and vulnerable with myself and see what I experience – and that I’ve projected this point unto others – but really the point is about me as me fearing to see myself, and be frank with myself.

Obviously it’s completely stupid to react to my own reactions as this doesn’t help to sort them out, it just makes it worse – and the solution is instead to embrace the reactions coming up within me – and to accept and allow myself to see myself without judgment, and to understand that I can’t expect of myself to be this stable, and calm human-being – I mean really – I’ve spent most of my life creating myself to not be a stable and calm human-being thus it’s obvious that it will take some time for me to correct, and walk through these points.

Thus – I will work with this point of reacting to my own reactions, and also the point of fear of conflict, and fear of being bullied that I see that my unconscious fear reaction stems from within – so this is then two points I will be walking through and dealing with in my self-forgiveness.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am around people go into a heightened state of awareness as a fear-awareness – as a state of preparing myself for the worst – the worst being to end up in a conflict with others, and to be attacked by others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, and want to avoid conflict at all costs – and define, and see conflict as something extremely harmful, and bad – and something that I must at all costs not go into but rather present myself as stable, and calm – and make sure that I don’t trigger any form of point in another that might cause a conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that in fearing conflicts I am compromising, and limiting myself in my expression – because I will so to speak – walk on egg-shells around others – being constantly afraid, and worried that my expression might trigger, and unleash a hailstorm of frustration, and anger – and that I will end up in a conflict wherein I am trying to defend, and protect myself from what I perceive to be another’s evil – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath, and bring myself back here – and too understand that conflict, anger, frustration, disappointment, enervation, disgust, and hatred – these points are not in themselves something to fear – I mean they might go to a point of fearful danger as actual physical danger – yet in themselves they are merely energetic possessions that do not influence me on a physical level – as such nothing to fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize fear as a way of protecting myself from conflict, and to make sure that I am not too open, or too expressive, or too flamboyant – but that I remain cool, and stable – and that I don’t in anyway cause a point of conflict to emerge in my world – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in my expression, and hold myself back – and not dare to be comfortable, and relaxed, and at ease with myself – as allowing myself to express myself naturally, and comfortably – simply sharing myself within oneness and equality here with another – and not going into a state of fear the moment I meet, and interact with another human being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this fear of conflict I’ve accumulated within me is a remnant of the so-called education that I received in my younger years – wherein I learned to fear other human beings, to fear strangers, to fear not being in control, to fear expressing myself unconditionally, to fear being strange and different, to fear sticking out from the group, to fear not being like everyone else – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how useless this education have in-fact been – and that it’s based upon fear, and anxiety, and assumptions, and interpretations of reality – and not upon facts – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my relationship with this world, and the people within it upon opinions instead of facts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to opinions, and disregard facts – opinions being for example fear of conflict – thus opinionating conflict as something bad, and as something that I should avoid – instead of sticking with facts – seeing that conflict is in essence simply two opposing forces that is colliding – thus two perspectives that do not work with each-other – the solution is thus not to fear conflict – but to instead direct the two forces to a mutual point of stability, and understanding – I mean – learning to communicate effectively to as such direct conflicts to a point of solution instead of simply fearing conflicts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I’ve demonized conflicts – and that when I’ve seen people in my world go into conflicts, and disagreements – that I’ve judged them, and judged how they express themselves – and seen them as bad people because they’ve gone into conflict instead of remaining cool, breathing, and being relaxed, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back to the physical and understand that nothing of what is currently here is bad – or wrong – and that it won’t help, and assist to react to what is here – but what will help is to understand what is here, and learn to direct what is here in a way that is best for all – to as such establish a point in this world and reality that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own reactions, and to fear admitting to myself that I am reacting in believing that reactions, and thoughts, and experiences, are generally speaking bad, and wrong – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand that the mind is not bad, or wrong – and I mean seeing what is within me is in-fact practical, and effective – because in allowing myself to recognize what I exist as, and within – I am allowing myself be able to correct myself and the point I am existing within – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop judging what is here – and instead of judging what is here – assist and support myself to correct what is here to what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the ridiculousness of going into fear when I walk past other people – because what do I really fear? I mean – is it even effective to be within a fear even though there was some actual practical point to look out for? I mean – no – because in going into fear – all I think about and experience is my fear – and I am not able to be HERE and see what is going on; such as for example how this person died – that you can here about in this interview – she drowned – and as she was drowning she was trying to swim to the surface but was in too much panic to understand and see what was up and down – thus she swam into the wrong direction – I mean – this point applies not only to panicking in water but to all aspects and dimensions of life – because in going into fear I become irrational and I do not see reality, the physical, and I do not see the solution, the direction that is best for me; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of fear in understanding that fear doesn’t assist and support me but merely serves to hold me back, and hold me in a stagnant position of waiting to be safe before I express myself – instead of understanding that when I let go of the fear to need to feel safe won’t anymore be a issue because I will simply be HERE within and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive fear of conflict, and fear of being bullied as these great mechanisms that I can use in order to become socially effective – thinking that these mechanisms help me to guide me through life and that without them I wouldn’t know how to be, express myself, and interact in my social environment – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this point – and to ask myself – but hey – is this really in-fact the case? I mean – how come I’ve trusted this fear to be common sense when it’s never in-fact specifically shown me the common sense of it’s existence – it have just come up within me like – BLAAHH!!! Here I am – I am a fear – now obey me!! And as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question these fears and to understand that these fears are not a common sense guideline of how to live effectively but are instead a remnant of my past ineffective education

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that it’s nothing dangerous, or compromising to express myself unconditionally, to allow myself to so to speak be free – in allowing myself to be comfortable, to be at ease, and to be fully here with and as my physical body and express myself within oneness and equality as being DIRECT here – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here and to continue to push this point of living within oneness and equality with my human physical body – in understanding that fear is not a natural trait – fear is a cultural creation that has been created through a misunderstanding of physical reality – and a misunderstanding of what it means to live – to live doesn’t mean to live in fear of survival – but to live means to express self here in every moment of breath being so completely in this moment that there is simply HERE – thus in other word’s in-fact being alive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how I am limiting myself through not embracing the probability of conflict – and through not standing in such a position within me that I trust myself that I’ll be able to direct the conflict if a conflict emerge – because I mean – I understand that conflicts are not dangerous – conflicts are merely points of two colliding forces and that this point must be directed within oneness and equality – and as such it’s merely as any other moment that opens up here – and that the moment requires to be directed; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice directing what is here – instead of fearing what is here – seeing that learning to direct, and trusting myself that I’ll be able to direct what is here – is in-fact a self-empowering solution – while fearing what is here is a self-victimizing point of escapism as not wanting to take responsibility for what is here in this world

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I around other people go into a heightened state of awareness, as a fear-awareness as a state of preparing myself for the worst – as conflict, or being bullied; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am within going into – and allowing myself to be possessed by this state of fear – not allowing myself to live – to express myself – and to be here in this moment and be here with the point that is here – which might be to get to know someone, or direct a specific point that I’d like to be directed for me world, and reality to be more effective; as such I commit myself to stop fearing conflict, and being bullied, as being called names, and yelled at; and I instead commit myself to embrace what is here and stand equal to all probabilities – and simply instead of fearing what is here – learn to direct what is here within oneness and equality as breath

When and as I see that I am going into a fear in relation to energetic possessions such as hate, disgust, disappointment, anger, frustration, and enervation – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that these points are nothing to fear because they do not imply that I am in fearful danger – as such I am not in actual physical danger – I am not to actually physically be harmed; as such I commit myself to breath and to stand within oneness and equality with that particular energetic possession – and instead of fearing the point – learn and perfect to direct the point to a solution that is best for all

When and as I see that I go into a state of holding myself back, as so to speak watching my tongue from a starting point of fear, worrying that if I am too express myself unconditionally, and without anxiety – that this will trigger a point of conflict, and that anger will emerge, or enervation, and that I will become subject to another’s wrath – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how it doesn’t help me to direct the point – and to live – when I go into this particular fear – I mean all that happens is that I suppress myself and really kill myself as self-expression and then I hope that a conflict won’t emerge – instead of me expressing myself naturally and then learning to direct conflicts effectively and remaining stable within myself in facing and directing conflicts in my world

When and as I see that I go into fear automatically as I meet other people, as thinking that I must fear them because they are “strangers” and they “can’t be trusted” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I mean – yet they can’t be trusted yet this is not a reason to go into fear – it’s simply to see that it’s stupid to trust people without them having proved their integrity; as such I commit myself to not anymore confuse not trusting another with fear – because I am still able to be stable and effective here in my breath-movement whether, or whether not I trust another

When and as I see that I go into fear of conflict, and that I am opinionating conflict as being something “bad” and “wrong” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that conflict is neither bad, neither good – it’s in-fact simply a physical point of colliding forces – that requires direction – as such I commit myself to establish a stability within me and a effectiveness in directing conflicts through practicing when conflicts emerge to stand stable and speak within common sense, clarity, and stability – to as such not anymore fear, or try to avoid conflicts but instead learn to direct them effectively

When and as I see that I am judging, or demonizing conflict, or any other form of expression in this world, or something the emerge within me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that the solution is not to demonize, is not to judge, is not to be a moralist of right and wrong – but the solution is to understand and to be able to direct the points that emerge within me; as such the solution is to develop solutions for points and direct them; as such I commit myself to focus on solutions instead of right and wrong – to focus on common sense direction instead of right and wrong

When and as I see that I go into a state of judging what appears within me, and in this case judging fear – and reacting to the fear in fear of showing to others that I react in fear – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I mean judging what is here is unnecessary – because in judging what is here I will not in-fact learn to direct the point, but the point will continue to simply be a unresolved point within me – as such I commit myself to focus upon solutions, to focus upon directing what emerge within me – instead of judging what emerges within me – and wanting to hide, and escape from what emerge within and as me

When and as I see that I want to hold unto fear because I believe that it protects me, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that fear makes me irrational, fear clouds my judgment and unable me to see effective solutions with clarity; as such I commit myself to stop fear – and instead focus upon stability and being HERE and even though I am facing a situation with lot’s of pressure – to still not go into fear but to focus upon stability and directing the situation within and as common sense as what is best for all

When and as I see that I trust a fear that comes up within me as being a effective guideline for me to use to be socially effective in my world, and reality – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that there is obviously no proof what-so-ever that a fear would make me more socially effective – in-fact fear simply unable me from expressing myself effectively, being open, vulnerable, and receptive – and instead I close myself and simply become this reactive automaton that acts in fear of survival; thus I commit myself to develop my own guidelines as common sense in social interactions – and to use these instead of fear – as such trusting myself instead of trusting fear

When and as I perceive fear as indicating to me what is dangerous, what I should avoid, and what I shouldn’t avoid – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I can’t trust fear – I can’t rely upon fear – fear is a program that comes up automatically without any form of effective reasoning – it’s not to be trusted; as such I commit myself to utilize common sense in my world as a my starting point of self-direction – and as such direct myself within and as effective common sense reasoning instead of fear

When and as I see that I want to avoid conflicts instead of directing conflicts within common sense as what is best for all – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in wanting to avoid conflicts I won’t be effective in this world and it will naturally cause me to compromise myself, and go into self-suppression instead of directing myself here – thus the solution is not avoidance but facing the point and learning to direct the point effectively; as such I commit myself to develop effective conflict-direction-skills through practicing being stable, not taking a conflict personally, and focusing upon common sense as a solution that is best for all

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Day 51: How I’d Like To Be Assisted

Today I am going to look closer at the point of how I’d like to be assisted, and this is so I can more effectively specify the assistance and support that I give to others, so that it’s effective, and in-fact supportive.

So, how is it that I’d like to be assisted?

help-desk-servicesWhat I can see is that I’d like to be assisted without it being about right or wrong – meaning – that I don’t want any form of judgment involved when I am assisted; I would like the other person to clearly, and effectively show me the point – and within this also share with me what it is that I am not applying effectively – and that this is done without any form of energy – and without any judgment of right and wrong.

Another thing that I’d like another to do is to be stable, and calm – and speak with a stable tone of voice – meaning that the other person do not react. I mean – I know from my own experience in life that when someone tries to “assist” me to change through being angry, or resentful – that only cause me to go into resistance, and fear – and then I am not able to actually hear what the other person is telling me because I am too busy surviving; so this is something that I must take into consideration – to not speak, and “assist” from a starting point of reaction – I mean really that is one of the primary points.

I would also like the other person to stand in my shoes so to speak, meaning that he, or she consider where I am within my process, or in relation to the point I am walking; so that the other person do not try to assist me to learn, and comprehend things that are far beyond my ability. I mean – I would like to be assisted, and supported at the level where I am at – because that would obviously be the most beneficial for me; then I would be able to relate to, and apply the information in my world.

So, I like when another “understands” me so to speak – and that the other person do not “assist” me from a starting point of expectation as “you should be able to do this by now!” – but that the other person is instead standing with me, seeing who I am within the point without any reaction – and assisting, and supporting me with gentleness, and stability to move forward on the point.

Another point that I see is important is that if another assists me, I want it to empower me – and not merely help me. I don’t want to become a charity-victim, but instead I want to be given the actual skills, know-how, and expertise to be able to empower myself to deal with my issues myself; thus – I don’t want a guru to follow around to show me how to be “right” – I want to be assisted to deal with points on my own – and thus become self-empowered.

I also want to have breathing-space – meaning that – I don’t want to be assisted and support all the time – I mean – once and a while it’s cool – but then I need sometime to melt the information, and to try it out in my own world – and walk the point; and when I am assisted all the time, constantly, I never get this breathing space to be here with me and walk the suggestions, and the support given to me in my own life.

Thus – this is how I’d like to be assisted – and accordingly this is how I will practice, and in time perfect as my application of how I assist others – oneness and equality in practical application; give as you’d like to receive.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I assist, and support another – do so from the perspective of giving as I’d like to receive – and thus ask myself how it is that I’d myself like to be assisted, and supported – and within this align to support others in such a way that is effective, and have a outflow that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I speak, and share myself with others from a starting point of assisting and supporting them – to do so within considering where the other being is in their process, and considering how I am able to speak, and place my words in such a way that will be supportive, and assisting for the other being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to be specific with my words, and my behavior when I assist, and support another – and to set myself up in such a way in word, and behavior – that I make it easy, and effective for the other being to take in the information I am sharing, to understand the information, and then to apply the information in his/her world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I assist, and support others – be hard, and ruthless – and not consider another as I’d myself like to be considered – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply gentleness, and stability when I assist, and support another – and be patient with another, and not react even though the other “doesn’t get it”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire when I assist, and support another – that they are too immediately understand and apply the point I am explaining – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become restless, and frustrated when the other person “doesn’t seem to get it”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, and desire others to feel assisted, and supported when I speak with them – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead focus upon actual assistance and support, that is not a feeling, or experience, but that is a actual physical action – as giving to another as I’d like to receive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as a weakness to consider another, and think that it’s more effective to be brutal, and ruthless – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply the principle of give as you’d like to receive; because within doing this it’s obvious that it’s not the most effective to be brutal, and ruthless – but instead being gentle, patient, and forthcoming is effective – and that is what I’d want from another

Self-commitments

When and as I am assisting and supporting another, and I see that I am doing this automatically, and without tuning my behavior in such a way that makes for a supportive outcome in the moment; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here; and I see, realize, and understand that – it’s obviously important to consider others – because unless I do I won’t be able to share my realizations with anyone – because I will not in-fact stand one and equal and be able to talk, and share myself with another directly; as such I commit myself walk the point of give as I’d like to receive when it is that I assist and support another

When and as I am speaking with another, and I see that I am speaking from a starting of “I am sharing myself so you better listen” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is not a supportive starting point to use when assisting and supporting another, because one only considers self, and not where the other being is; as such I commit myself to see, and consider the other being – and place my words in such a way that I actually support self-realization, and self-empowerment, and that I don’t have a self-interested agenda that “this is how I speak”

When and as I am assisting, and supporting another – and I notice I am not specific in my words, and behavior – and that I am instead only “going for it” without actually being stable, and clear upon what I am doing; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that importance of being specific in my words, in my behavior, in my use of tonality, in my use of facial expressions – I mean everything has an impact on the other being – and as such it’s important to align these aspects to what it is that I am doing – which is assisting and supporting another; as such I commit myself to be aware of how I impact another with my behavior, words, tonalities – and to align my expression in such a way that I support other being to become self-empowered, and self-realized

When and as I see that I am reacting to another because they don’t “get it” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I mean – I see that it’s completely unnecessary to react to this point, because it’s not like someone doesn’t understand me deliberately, and that it will help for me to become impatient, and angry – I mean because the other being will still not understand – maybe even understand even less because now I am not clear in my expression and not able to convey the point anymore; as such I commit myself to be patient, stable, and calm when I explain points – and to not react when another doesn’t understand – but simply align my words, and my expression in such a way that I support self-empowerment, and self-realization

When and as I react in anger, and frustration, feeling, and experiencing that another should immediately understand what I am saying, and being applying the information – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here; and I see, realize, and understand that I mean – obviously everyone learns at different paces and me becoming angry, or frustrated won’t change that – I mean it’s like becoming angry at a rock for the rock being a rock – it’s ridiculous and unnecessary – as such I commit myself to be calm, patient, stable, and focus my attention on breathing effectively – and walk the necessary timeline with another to bring forth a understanding – and not to judge when this timeline extends and becomes longer than “normal”

When and as I see that I am becoming focused upon wanting others to feel that I am good at assisting, and supporting – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this point is in-fact making me loose focus, and attention on the point of actually assisting and supporting another – and so it all becomes about ego instead of in-fact bringing forth life; as such I commit myself to remain here with the physical and walk the point of assisting, and supporting another physically here without any point of ego disturbing me

When and as I see that I am being brutal, and ruthless with another, and that I am justifying this thinking that “this is the only way another can understand” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that the use of anger, brutality, and ruthlessness as a way to teach, and educate has proven itself extremely ineffective through the course of human history – resulting in human beings that are living in fear of punishment and that have no individual understanding, and motivation, and critical thinking skills – they are in essence slaves without a form of self existing; as such I commit myself to understand that the only way to effectively assist, and support another is through considering, and seeing them within oneness and equality – as such I commit myself to be gentle, patient, forthcoming, perceptive, and receptive – and allow myself to walk the process of assisting and supporting another without stress, without being driven to have a result – but walk breath by breath here

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Day 50: Limiting Stability With Money

An interesting reaction came up today – and yet again it was triggered in the taxi. So, what I was driving a customer – and she asked me what I studied; I said that I studied law. She then exclaimed that “those who study law does not get any jobs!” – and she continued to explain how a relative of hers had difficulty getting a job with her law-degree. In this moment I had a fear shock go up through my body – like a electrical circuit running up through my body and charging up very fast – bam!

After this happened – I noticed how my thoughts started to go into the direction of “securing survival” – and my thoughts started taking the shape of future plans – what I was going to do, how I was going to change my direction in my studies, how I could prepare myself for the worst – what might happen when I am done with my degree; so this was interesting.

StabilityIn essence – what I am able to see is that fear of survival activated and charged up through my body. What does then show me? Well it shows me how I’ve suppressed this point of fear through aligning myself with a feeling of comfort that I get through thinking that through my degree I will be able to secure a job; and when that dream/idea was ripped away from under my feet – suddenly the fear came rushing back.

Thus – it’s interesting to see that I’ve not in-fact dealt with my fear of survival – but I’ve instead suppressed it through creating beautiful dreams, and fantasies about my future – and how my future is going to be positive, comfortable, and enjoyable – because I have access to money!

This is not real stability – it’s fictional stability dependent upon money – and it’s obviously not effective to accept and allow one’s stability in oneself to be dependent upon such a unstable, and unpredictable point – I mean – I want me as stability to stand regardless of my finances, regardless of my living environment – accepting and allowing NO FEAR within me what so ever – because my stability is not defined in relation to survival – my stability is me within oneness and equality – as a living word.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as stability through being dependent upon money, and finances, and wealth to feel stable; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and think that I require and need to survive to be stable, and define stability as my ability to survive in this world; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not place stability within me as a living word – wherein my stability as myself is not dependent upon external stimuli – but that I stand stable as a living statement of myself in every moment of breath – untouchable – and unmovable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that money gives me stability, and money gives me security – and money gives me safety – instead of accepting and allowing myself to create these points within me as living words – creating security to be self-security – creating safety to be self-comfortableness – and aligning myself with these words in such a way that I am able to live them as a statement in a breath – here – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent upon money to be stable, to be self-confident, to be assertive, and to be effective in my day to day living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a feeling of security within me in relation to dreams of me completing my studies and getting a job in order to suppress within me fear of survival – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, and understand that feelings of security and safety are obviously not real – I mean the nature of this existence is unpredictability – thus it’s really not possible to in-fact be safe, and secure in the meaning that one have a stable future; because things can change in one moment; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to hide from the real nature of this reality through inflating hopes, and dreams of where my education is going to lead me – instead of dealing with, and working with reality as what is actually here in-fact – which is a reality that can’t be trusted because it’s completely unpredictable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that fear of survival is in essence fear of loosing control – and that I’ve tried to suppress this fear of loosing control through creating these illusory experiences of feeling safe, and secure – instead of realizing, and understanding it’s not possible to have full control in this world and reality – as such I mean any form of experience that is saying otherwise is a illusion; within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself dare to let go of my fear of loosing control – and as such align myself with living in every moment of breath – in every moment being HERE ready to die and give up all of my possessions and my accumulated life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that fear of survival exists only when I do not live in-fact – because if I would live in fact there would be no fear of survival because my entire existence and focus would be HERE on the point of in-fact living – and not separated into such unnecessary and unpractical experiences as fear of survival; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself with living in-fact – to live in each moment of breath in understanding that this world is in it’s very nature unpredictable – and that real living, and real life – and real experiencing – can only happen and be actual reality HERE in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to stand in the face of uncertainty, and to dare to let go of control completely – in understanding that the perfection of self-trust – is to be able to stand in every moment stable regardless of the environment – regardless of the situation – and that one in every moment of breath is fully HERE – fully directive – fully participating without separating one’s awareness and presence into experiences of fear, anxiety – and desire to have control

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I limit myself as stability, through thinking and believing that I must have money to be stable – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I create myself as stability – thus I decide what stability is and this is not up to money to decide; as such I commit myself to live stability in such a way that it’s not dependent upon any form of external stimulation such as money

When and as I see that I think, and believe that I am dependent upon money to direct myself, to be assertive, and effective within my life – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that even if I’d like for money to be a god in my world – this is not so – because in the end – I am for all practical purposes god in my own world; which means in the end I decide how to experience myself – I decide who I am; as such I commit myself to live directness, and assertiveness as a unconditional self-expression as a living word that is not based upon any form of external stimuli

When and as I see that I am using dreams, hopes, and desires in order to construct a feeling of safety within me too suppress and hide from fear of loosing control, as fear of survival; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – this reality is unpredictable thus there is in-fact no real safety or security – I mean – these points are merely mirages and can only be achieved to a certain extent – but the real point of this world is uncertainty; as such I commit myself to face the uncertainty of this world – and stop fearing the uncertainty of this world – but instead push myself to live for real in every moment – here – because that is a point I have full control, and responsibility over – WHO I AM – in this moment of breath

When and as I see that I am suppressing fear of survival through making up various dreams – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that fear of survival indicates that I am not yet fully living – because if I was fully living I wouldn’t fear – I would instead LIVE; as such I commit myself simply understand that fear of survival is a indication that I do not yet live; as such I commit myself to push myself to live – living in every moment to the fullest without any regret

When and as I see that I focus upon fear of survival instead of living – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I require to shift my awareness from fear of survival – to living fully and wholly in every moment of breath; thus I commit myself to through breathing and bringing myself back to the physical – change my awareness to be life awareness – instead of fear awareness

When and as I see that I am limiting myself through thinking, and believing that I must have some form of exterior certainty – to not be afraid, to not doubt, to not worry; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in-fact all I require is to be HERE in this moment – and that really the feeling of need in relation to certainty is because I’ve not allowed myself to be certain within my application – that I am here – that I stand – that I move and that there exists no separation within me; as such I commit myself to align myself here and live as ONE and EQUAL – to as such not make myself dependent upon another in anyway what so ever

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Day 48: The Honest Person Is The Stupid Person

Today I had quite a big reaction that came up when I was having a discussion with a customer in the taxi – and it was interesting because the way that this reaction came up reveals to me that I still desire to be understood, and I still desire to be honest so to speak.

Because – the discussion I had with the customer was a about life-choices, and I shared with the customer that I’d decided to study law because I saw that this was much more effective for me in order to make sure that I have an income in the future – and that if I instead would’ve choose the direction of my education with my heart, as what I want to do, I would’ve studied some creative subject – such as music, or arts.

In this discussion the customer now suggested to me that I should use me law-education to go into the direction of arts, and when this suggestion was given – I said that I’d given up upon my dreams – and this particular statement I made was as a form of reaction because I didn’t want to present myself as if I agreed with the customers suggestion that I should go into art. So, I mean – it was fascinating because I felt compelled to share with the customer the specific direction of my studies, and why I’d chosen to study what I studied, and why it was that I wouldn’t go into the direction of art with my law-degree.

lincolnObviously – I could’ve made this statement to the customer without reacting, so it’s not really what I said that is important – what’s instead important is who I was within what I said; and the who I was in that moment – was that I felt simply compelled to state “my view” of the point – to make sure that I am understood, and that my “honest truth” is being shared – so in a way – I saw myself as being dependent upon the customer to validate me, and my specific direction in life – and unless I got this validation from the customer then somehow my chosen direction was flawed; so in essence – I came from a starting point of competition, and wanting to convince the customer that my way of looking at things was valid, and without flaws.

This point goes hand in hand with the statement – to be in this world, but not of this world – and what I mean by this is that; I mean – I should be able to speak casually, and use any words required in a moment without the words that I am using defines who I am; which means that when I stand clear on this point – I will be able to say to the customer that “I will do what you said, and align my direction in studies to support art” – without this in anyway creating a reaction, or experience within me – because I mean – I know who I am – I know where I am going – and the words I speak do not change who I am.

To perfect this point of being able to use words freely without any form of fake honesty coming in the way I see as being very important in order to be effective in the system – because so much of how the current system functions demands from human beings to not show their “real self” but to instead present a fake version of themselves – and this is obviously to make money, and survive in the system.

So, what I am able to see is that this particular point came up because I’ve defined the points honesty, and integrity in separation from myself – wherein I want to convince others that I have integrity, and that I have honesty – instead of me living these words as myself without being dependent upon any form of external stimuli.

honesty-demotivational-poster-1220494290And I am able to see – that throughout my life – I’ve many times compromised myself because I’ve wanted to be honest, and have integrity – and be upright with people in my world – while this approach was simply not effective because I didn’t consider that – I mean – sometimes it’s not effective to be honest, and to open yourself up to another – as to what your real intentions are – because the system, and the people within the system are simply not designed in such a way to support such a point. For example – when being caught by the police due to having committed some type of crime – I mean – obvious common sense is to deny that you did commit the crime, because unless you do, you’ll be completely compromised and thrown into a jail – which is obviously not a effective point, and it’s not a point that takes into account why you committed the crime to begin with; because – hey – maybe you were broke and you decided to steal in order to support your family – and you did it as a self-honest act – to then go into jail would mean that you can’t support your family anymore, and the system doesn’t in anyway consider your starting point as to why you decided to steal but simply instead punish you – and that is why – to be honest, and have integrity – as being a form of “stand-up” guy is really not effective.

Though – this is not to say that this point of honesty, and integrity can, and should be applied in relationships where there is effective consideration, and where being honest does not have severe and compromising consequences.

Anyway – the point I will work with here today is “defining myself according to my words” – and the need to present myself honestly to my world, and be a good human being that is open, and vulnerable – with no secrets – because standing as such a character is a point of limitation – it’s a point wherein you systematize your living expression, and instead of considering common sense – you go by a dogmatic belief; and as we all know – dogmatic beliefs do not mix well with actual physical reality – they are bound to clash, and when they do – consequences will be the price we pay.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to present myself honestly, and openly to my world – and to make sure that I always speak the truth, and that I always say exactly what my intentions are, and who I am within a particular moment – thinking that it’s “bad”, and it’s “wrong” to not be open – and to not be honest; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself, my reality, my life, through wanting to present myself as being honest – to have a good feeling about myself, and to in my mind be able to think about myself that “I am really a good person, I am really honest!”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the words I speak, and to limit myself within the words that I speak – and have these ideas that I can’t speak certain words because those words are not “who I am” – and thus I can’t speak them because that would then mean that I am presenting a lie; instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that it’s not about what I say, or what I do, but that it’s about WHO I AM – thus the key is to be stable in every moment, and direct myself within common sense practicality – thus the important point is to stand stable – and have that stability be the WHO I AM – and then use words to effectively move, and direct my world, and reality in such a way that it supports what is best for all – and that it supports an outcome that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the words I speak through thinking that the words I speak, and how I share myself in a moment – must always be “honest” and must always be revealing exactly who I am in a moment – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this is in-fact a form of self-interest – wherein I allow my desire to present myself as being honest, and have integrity – to go before directing my practical reality in such a way that is best for all; I mean – when I want, and desire a particular outcome in a moment – that is when I compromise what is best for all – and any form of rule, as a dogmatic idea of how I must be – is something that will result in me compromising what is best for all for me to fulfill me delusional idea, and experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, and desire to be a “good” and “honest” person – and think and believe that when I do not speak the “truth” so to speak – that I am a evil, and bad person – and that it’s simply bad to not speak the truth at all times; instead of realizing, and understanding that the principle of what is best for all have no morality – have no rules; the principle of what is best for all is a PRINCIPLE – which means that there is nothing forbidden, and nothing wrong – because the primary as to all actions, and movements are to have one and the same principle – as what is best for all – and when that point is here and it’s for example required to act in a way that is seen by society as immoral – then acting in a immoral way is what is best for all and thus the movement that I should do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that walking the principle of what is best for all doesn’t mean that I am by the definitions of our current world system – a “moral” and “good” human being – I mean – let’s face – the definitions of our current system are completely in reverse, and completely twisted around – wherein a charity that supports the enslavement of human beings through not empowering people but only helping them to survive is seen as good – when a criminal that commits a theft to support his family, and to have food – is seen as bad – I mean – thus I realize that I can’t rely upon the definitions, and ideas of good, and bad that was handed down to me by my parents – but that I instead must investigate the actual common sense of each – and determine the morality of a point in relation to what outcome that point have – as whether it’s best for all or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that even though I am completely honest in this world, and I am completely open, and vulnerable – and make sure that each word I speak is the complete truth – I mean – will this change anything? I mean – no – it will not – simply because the system isn’t designed to support honesty, and instead honesty is effectively clobbered through a completely dysfunctional law-system – and a dysfunctional value system wherein people are punished for the “bad” things they do – instead of the point being understood, and the so to speak “bad” human being supported, and assisted to correct his living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about making an act when I work – and speaking words, and behaving in such a way that I please the customer – and that I do my work effectively – in thinking that – when I put on act, and I go into a specifically designed character as the “taxi-driver” – that I am then compromising myself; instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that the words I speak – and the way I move, and direct myself doesn’t define who I am – I mean I am able to stand in any point in the system, and walk that particular manifested vocabulary without the point in anyway defining or changing who I am – and thus – when I drive my taxi – I am simply able to go into this character that I’ve designed – as a specific work-character that please customers, and that is pleasant, and comfortable to be around – because that is what a customer in a taxi wants to have – and I am able to walk this character without it in anyway compromising me – because I understand what I am doing – and I am stable within me direction, and as such I don’t need anyone to think that I am honest, or that I have integrity – because I know that I am self-honest, and that I self-integrity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to prove to others that I am honest, and that I have integrity – and to want and desire that people when they meet are to think of me, and see me as being a “good” human being – a truthful human being – someone they can trust, and feel close with; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise common sense, and to compromise my effective self-movement in a moment – through wanting and desiring to have others see me in a particular; instead of understanding that – I mean – to really be effective in this world I must be free from all morality – because only then am I able to move myself in the moment and be completely free to direct myself in such a way that I create the best outcome possible – because if I want to present myself as being good, and honest – then suddenly there are these rules which I must follow and this will lead to me compromising common sense – and instead trying to fulfill an idea, and a experience that have no bearing on actual life, and living what-so-ever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be validated, and confirmed by others – and to feel that it’s my very innermost core that is being attacked, and placed at risk – if I was to agree with something in words, that I don’t actually agree with, or see is common sense – I mean – instead of realizing that – I am able to speak words that are not aligned with my actual truth so to speak – and that doing this is nothing bad but it’s all about the context, the why, the how, and WHO I AM within the point that determine whether the point is in-fact self-honest; so if I for example agree with the customer only to have the conversation be more smooth and effective – and I do this because it will make the customer happy – I mean – then it’s cool – because I’ve actually walked the point from a starting point of self-honesty – wherein I didn’t speak from a reaction – but I considered the context of where I am – and spoke in such a way to support myself in a way that is best for all

Now – obviously – as I said in the beginning – I am also able to in these moments to simply say that “I don’t agree” or “no” – and that the primary point of importance is to make sure that I am stable when I speak – and that I don’t seek to be recognized, confirmed, and validated in what I say, or speak – but that I simply speak here as myself without any desire for a particular outcome; thus enabling myself to use words in such a way that I support a outcome of a moment that is best for all – and also being able to if I see that it’s effective – simply share my point of view – but not doing this from a starting point of wanting to convince, or prove myself right – but simply sharing myself – in oneness and equality HERE.

Self-commitments

When and as I feel that I must be honest, and speak the truth – because if I don’t I will apparently be a “bad” human being – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – living the principle of what best for all implies that there are no rules – but that one do, and speak what is effective and what produce a result that is best for all – and that one do not hold unto any idea of “who self is” – but that one simply speak, and share, and move self within and as common sense – without any morality, or idea of what it implies to be “good” holding oneself back

When and as I see that I am limiting myself in how I am speaking, in thinking that “I am Viktor, and Viktor speaks in a particular way” – I immediately stop myself – I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am not limited by the words I speak – that I am not defined by the words that I speak – but that I am able to direct myself to speak what-ever words will produce the most effective results in the moment as what is best for all; as such I commit myself to make myself free to play with, and use words as a way to move myself effectively in my day-to-day living – without any constraints, or dogmatic regulations

When and as I see that I think that I must be “honest” and that it’s immoral, and bad, and wrong to be not be “honest” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that being honest in this current world-system is in-fact self-dishonesty – because it implies that self compromise self world, and living – in order to live a particular concept that apparently makes one be a “good person”; as such I commit myself to let go of any morality – and to live on a moment to moment basis – with no rules – and only by the principle of what is best for all – seeing that to in-fact implement and create what is best for all – honesty is limiting

When and as I see that I want to say something to another to show them who I am, to convince them, and to sort of “make my stand” in a moment – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t have to convince anyone – and in-fact the point I speak will not be more, or less only because I convince somebody to agree with me – I mean – it’s obvious that the only that really matters is that I have a clear understanding within me; as such I commit myself to speak HERE without desiring an outcome – and to stand stable, and clear within my words one and equal – and not try to convince another

When and as I see that I am glorifying honesty, and integrity – as people that dare to say the truth even though it will have massive consequences – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back – and I see, realize, and understand that this type of self-sacrificing behavior is in-fact ego – as it’s wanting to appear noble, and caring – it’s wanting to feel good about what self have done – not considering the actual physical practical implications but only a feeling, and experience – and a dream of what it means to be honest, and have integrity; as such I commit myself to end all romantic views of honesty, and integrity and instead work with this practical physical reality – work with real practical equations – 1 + 1 = 2 – simplicity – and not go by any form of airy moral ideas

When and as I see that I want to be honest with another, so that this other person can like me, appreciate me, and feel close to me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that being honest from this starting point is complete self-abuse; I mean – wanting someone to like me without a practical reason for such a want is irrational and indicate lack of self-love, and self-respect – I mean – there is obviously no need for me to have another to like me merely because it makes me feel good, this feeling is irrelevant and merely a outflow of a psychological disease such as lack of self-love; as such I commit myself to stop tormenting myself to appear appeasing to others – and instead focus upon living self-honesty here in every moment of breath

When and as I feel that I must fight another, and prove my point, and express myself to make my stand clear – because I feel that else my very beingness will become compromised; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how this is a ridiculous idea – and that I mean – I don’t have to fight to protect myself because I am here – there is no word that can destroy my innermost being and existence – I mean only I can do that; as such I commit myself to stop fighting for my survival and instead realize that I can’t be harmed – and that what’s important is that I focus upon making each and every moment – a moment of self-expression – of presence here

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Day 44: Tips, or no tips?

Driving a taxi a re-occurring event is that I will receive some tips – and sometimes I receive good tips, and other times none at all – often my participation with the person do not influence them that much as whether they will give tips or not, because most have already decided and follow a already established pattern.

Now, the point I want to write about is a reaction that comes up just before the moment that I am to receive, or not to receive tips – meaning – just before the moment when the customer is to pay. When the customer stretches over, and hands me the money – this is when I tend to go into a reaction of anticipatory anxiety – or excited anxiety; and when this reaction comes up within me – I tend to react to this react in a fear of that this reaction will be seen by the customer and then they will feel uncertain, or decide to not tip me after all.

Thus – looking deeper at this point – what does it show me? It shows me an addiction to me – and that I am holding unto a slight excitement each time that I am about to receive money – as if money is some type of a drug that will give me more than what I had before.

I mean – it’s fascinating – I listened to this eqafe interview before that was done by a person that lived out his life as a homeless – and he shared his observations in relation to when he was begging, and how people reacted to that; and one point that he noticed was that human-beings tended to not want to give away their money because this was their access to “experience” so to speak – because with money – they could manifest all those vividly colored imaginations, and hopes in the mind into reality – and for a moment experience themselves empowered, strong, and satisfied.

This is what I am doing as well – and I am able to see that when I do receive tips, I have this thought come up within me that: “now I can go and take a coffee, or buy something to eat – because I won’t waste any money doing it” – I mean it’s fascinating – even if hadn’t received tips I’d still be able to go and buy a coffee, or something to eat – and I still wouldn’t have “wasted” money so to speak – because I would’ve gotten something practical, and necessary in return – such as a coffee, or something to eat.

So, I am able to see that what kicks in during these small moments of receiving tip – that is my greed, and miser-character – because I’ve noticed that I do have a tendency to be a miser when it comes to money, and feel good/safe about saving, and protecting my money – and feel uncertain, worrisome, and nervous about spending money; so when I receive those tips, or have the possibility to receive those tips – I react because then I go into my money-character – as my pre-programmed way of living as trying to protect myself through accumulating money.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as the miser-character when I am about the receive tip – as becoming excited, and experiencing anticipatory anxiety – feeling that “this is it” – now I can either enlarge my fortunes, or I can become robbed of my fortunes; and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to money – and to believe that when I save, and that when I have much money – that I am protected and allowed to feel safe, and secure – and instead of realizing, and understanding that it’s a conditional safety, and security – because as soon as my money are going – I experience myself unsafe again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a miser in relation to money – wherein I will not supply myself with points that I need, and that are effective, and useful for me to have – because I will instead think about how much money I have, how much my savings are worth, how well I will feel after I’ve purchased this product – and within this I will compromise myself because I am not looking at what I need but instead at numbers, fantasies, and ideas in my mind – that are not relevant to living here in physical reality – equal and one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not treat myself with a coffee, or something to eat – when I am able to afford such a point, and when I see that I’d like such a point in a moment – I mean – what good are money when I am saving them, simply for the sake of feeling safe, because I have much savings – I mean – it’s insane; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath, and bring myself back here – and re-align money to be a practical point in my world, and reality that I utilize, and use to support myself effectively in my day to day living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get myself lost into a state of fear, as fearing loosing money – within this becoming blind to the opportunities that are in my life – and to the possibilities that are in my life – because everything that I am thinking about is that I don’t want to loose money – while obviously – there are severely more important things to care about, and to consider in my world – than my fear of loosing money – I mean – money is meant to be used to create a effective day- to-day living – it’s not meant to be saved in some account for no purpose – I mean – that’s what you do when you expect to live for 100 of years – and only live to survive without any form of courage to make this life something extraordinary; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push through this fear – as the miser-character – and allow myself to see money as a tool and not as something mysterious that I must fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am protecting myself by protecting my money – not realizing that my money is not me – but money is merely a invention that does not need to have food, water, and effective physical care – I mean – money is a so to speak – dead object – and I am not that – as such – when I protect my money I am not protecting myself – because protecting myself would imply that I actually care about my human physical body, and about my physical surroundings – and make these the best that they can possibly be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that money protects me – and that the more money I have – the safer I will be – and the more I am able to let go, express, and enjoy myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this is a faulty, and irrational idea/understanding of money – because money is not like a gun proof west that I put on – it’s merely a point that allows me to participate in this world, and reality effectively – and in some dimensions do actually support me to be safe in this world; yet – within this it must be understood that the primary point that determine my reality – as after all not money – but the human being dealing with, and using the money – which is ME; and thus – I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that thinking that money will secure my future, and my safety – is really a point of blame – and simply shoving the responsibility of my life unto money – instead of me taking responsibility for myself, and my life – and making sure that I am effective in my day-to-day living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a anticipatory anxiety when I see that there is a possibility that I will get new money – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, and believe that when I receive money – my life will change – I will experience myself more fulfilled, and able to deal with this world – and I will not experience as much fear and uncertainty – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath – bring myself back here – and understand that money is merely a physical object – that has nothing to do with my general movement – I mean – as to the point of – WHO I AM within and as my daily physical movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not allowed to buy a cup of coffee, or some snack outside when I am driving – thinking that this is a “unnecessary expense” – not seeing, realizing, and understanding that I’ve created a very limited definition of the word necessary – wherein I’ve in essence abused myself through thinking that “no point is necessary” – and that I am in essence able to cope with bread, and water – and that I don’t require anything more but that point of bread and water – and within this I forgive myself that have not accepted and allowed myself expand my understanding of what is necessary – to also see that it’s necessary for me to live a dignified life – meaning that I do have access to these small points of comfort – and that in a way these are necessary for an effective life; so as such – I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop my fear of spending money – and to stop my miser/saver-character – and instead realize that money is not something here to make me FEEL safe – but something that is here for me to use to support myself to live an effective daily physical life – here

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am compromising myself, and not buying something that I need, and that would assist, and support me in my daily living application – because I instead want to “save the money” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that saved money are really money that aren’t used – they are money stuffed away for a rainy day and as such in essence an attempt to escape death – not understanding that death is certain – and that as such – money is to be stored away merely to have them stored away – I mean it’s cool if there is a specific purpose for the storing – such as buying a expensive product that self requires; but merely saving for the sake of saving – I mean what is that? As such I commit myself to stop saving for the sake of saving – and instead use my money when I have access to money – and that there is a point I’d like to be that would enhance me and my expression of myself in daily living

When and as I see that I am going into and as a state of anticipatory anxiety as I am about to possibly receive tips – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that money doesn’t mean anything – unless I am here effective to direct and move money in my world – as such – money is secondary – and what is of primary importance is who I am; thus reacting to the point of money is really irrational because it’s giving money more importance than what it deserves and not looking at what is of real value, and importance – which is the effectiveness of my daily application in self-honesty; as such I commit myself to focus on myself – and to place value on myself – and stop valuing money more than me living effectively breath, by breath here

When and as I see that I am reacting, and going into a state of excitement, and happiness, as I’ve received money as tips – thinking that now I can buy something nice for myself, such as a coffee, or something to eat; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here; and I see, realize, and understand that I mean – I do already have money – so why must I receive tips from someone for me to allow me to give myself a treat in the form of coffee, or something to eat? I mean it makes no sense – and it comes from this miser-character, or saving-character – as valuing the point of saving simply because it feels good – not understanding the physical implications of saving in comparison to spending – I mean – in spending money I can actually bring forth products into my reality that is of benefit to me – in saving money – I mean the money is really just laying there not being used – as such not really having a purpose what-so-ever; as such I commit myself to stop fearing spending money – and to stop judging spending money, and glorifying saving money – and instead look at the practical implications of these points – and act in such a way that the best result comes about

When and as I see that I am going into a state of excitement as I receive money, feeling that I’ve now “grown” a bit – because I’ve been given these money – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I’ve not grown – I’ve not changed – the only thing that has happened is that I now hold some more money in my pockets – I mean physically nothing has changed at all – and I mean this makes it fascinating to ask – what is this excitement – is it even valid? I mean – small sum of money and I become excited – what is that about? And as such I see that I’ve placed this completely unrealistic value on money – as believing that money will in some way save me – and make safe in life – while that is absolutely not so – because at the end of the day – I stand responsible for my effectiveness in living – and as such – whether I am safe, or not – is only to a certain extent depending on money – but mostly depending on my ability, and clarify in self-direction in my day- to-day living; as such I commit myself to stop glorifying money – and I instead realize that what’s important is my daily physical movement and application of myself – one and equal as breath – that is the key to effective living – not how much money I have.

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Day 41: What? This Is Not How I Should Experience Myself!

A reaction that I’ve noticed – and that bothers me – is that I go into fear, and anxiety when it is that I enter into a new situation where there are people.

For example – every morning I’ve experienced the same point manifesting. I will arrive at the office, and as I begin to walk into the building I am able to notice the thoughts come up within me such as “I wonder who will be there today?” – “How should I behave?” – “Should I greet my colleagues or not?” – “I hope I won’t get afraid”. Within this backchat I start to notice a fear building up within me – and that is when I enter self-positive talk mode – wherein I will say to myself – stuff like: “I am not afraid!” – “Why can’t I just stop being afraid?” – “Man I get afraid like this every morning!” – “I will just walk in there and not be afraid at all – yes – that’s what I will do!”

But within me having this backchat – what occurs is that the fear is increasing, and then as I enter the office and meet my colleagues I exist within quite a prominent experience of fear, and anxiety – that makes me in-effective, less social and talkative, and more held-back than what I am usually.

expectationThis social-anxiety point is one of my primary weaknesses – and a reason that it’s still here is because I don’t like admitting to myself that this is how I experience myself – instead I like to think of myself as already being past these type of experiences, and see myself as a confident person with much self-esteem; fascinating that I within not wanting to recognize to myself what I really experience in-fact cement that experience of myself as real – because I refuse to deal with it – work with it – find the cause for the experience – and correct myself.

The first step is thus to recognize for myself what it is that I experience, and get back to humility – get back to reality – and to also understand that having reactions is nothing bad – experiencing myself anxious around people is nothing negative – it’s simply what it is – a particular system-construct that I’ve created, and manifested as myself due to repetition – and obviously due to an ineffective education as I grew up – where I learned to honor fear, instead of self-honest self-expression.

Thus – today I will walk self-forgiveness on the idea that I want to hold unto of myself – as how I’d like to believe that I am as a person – which isn’t actually the reality of how I live, and experience myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a state of idealism within myself – wherein I idealize myself – and think that I am strong, that I am confident, and that I am fearless – within this creating an idea of myself as how I’d like myself to be – not wanting to recognize the real experience of myself in my day-to-day living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the real experience of me as social anxiety, and fear – when I meet new people – as being a weakness – and a point of inferiority – and judge this point as being a mark of shame; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I am within judging my experience of myself as fear – in-fact not accepting and allowing myself to stand up within a point within myself of being able to deal with this experience – to recognize it and work with it utilizing self-forgiveness, self-commitments, and writing – because I mean – I do have the tools to deal with the experience – why then continue to lie to myself, and hide the real truth of myself?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to explore this fear in specificity – meaning – to in detail investigate exactly when, how, why, and what – that triggers this fear – and what thoughts arise in my mind – and also what memories I still hold unto as a fuel for this particular character that I’ve created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain humble within myself in walking my process – in allowing myself to see without judgment, comparison, or idealization what I exist as within me – and as such enable myself to work with the problems that I still have – and experience; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that – having reactions is nothing bad – it’s nothing wrong – it’s merely what it is and as such nothing but a point within me that requires attention, that requires work, and that requires discipline in order to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to be weak – meaning – to allow myself to closely observe my weaknesses as the points where I still react, and still go into experiences – within this allowing myself to intimately explore the detail of myself as the organic robotic program that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live self-intimacy – which is self- into me I see – allowing myself to see everything that goes on within me without a bias, without a want, or a desire – but simply seeing objectively what’s going on – and from that starting point standing up within me – and correcting myself to live, and apply what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create positive ideas of myself as who I think I am – creating an idea of myself that I am confident, that I am fearless, that I am stable, that I am certain – within this cementing an idea of myself as “already being done” – instead of being brutally self-honest with myself – and seeing who, and what I live as – seeing that I am not perfect – and that I do still have reactions – but understanding that this is nothing bad, or wrong – it’s nothing to be avoided, or feared – it’s simply what is here – and as such I accept and allow myself to embrace what is here – and work with what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that unless I accept and allow myself to see how I experience myself – I will not be able to change myself – because I will not deal with, and walk with reality – as what is actually here – what is actually happening – what is actually my true nature; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to look within without fear – to look within without judgment – to look at myself and observe myself – and become a self-scientist – wherein I without bias explore myself, and my inner-workings – so that I am able to understand myself – and correct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to begin a new in every moment of breath – and not hold unto any idea of “who I am” from the past breath – as such accepting and allowing myself to stat afresh in every moment – and thus being able to see what is here without any judgment, or fear – simply observing myself and within that creating a foundation for me on which I am able to stand – and direct myself into and as correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a positive idea of myself as being assertive – as being fearless – and generate this positive idea of myself through imagining myself talking to people in my head with a assertive, and strong voice – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when and as I notice that I react in a way that is opposite to the way I’ve imagined myself being in my mind – thinking, believing and perceiving that I am doing something wrong because I am not experiencing myself as I thought I would in my mind; instead of realizing, seeing, and understanding that my mind reality does not show what is real – and thus only because I imagine myself being assertive, confident, and strong – doesn’t mean that this is what I in-fact stand as – live as – in physical actual expression here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how my positive idea of myself in my mind is in-fact responsible for creating my reaction towards the negative side of myself as the “real me” – because I within participating in the positive create a conflict relationship with myself – where I try to change myself through judgment, and anger – wherein I react to the negative real me – through thinking that this negative real me shouldn’t be here because I’ve imagined another positive me in my mind; instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding how both of these points are illusion – but how the positive point of me is more illusion than the negative – and that I am within participating in the positive point of myself only strengthening and charging the negative reactions I experience within me when I face new people – because conflict is the breeding ground of energy – as reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of any and all positive reactions towards myself in my mind – to as such allow myself to become a blank slate so to speak – wherein I am able to observe the real me as I exist without any reaction – or experience – I simply see me for what I am with no agenda to change how I see me – I mean – in a way – that is inner propaganda – as trying to change the actual truth of me into a truth that I like and feel good about – not realizing that I am within that only covering up the problems and not allowing myself to work with, and deal with reality

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am idealizing myself – and creating a positive idea of myself in my mind, that I am strong, assertive, self-confident, and fearless around people – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is the illusion – this is the positive idea of myself that is not real through which I generate and charge, and cover up the negative and real aspects of myself; as such I commit myself to stop this positive seeing of myself – and instead see myself for real – seeing myself without a bias – without a experience – without a definition – simply seeing who I am, and who I’ve become without judgment

When and as I see that I am judging a negative experience of myself that I am having, as for example fear, or anxiety when I meet new people – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this judgment of myself is not real – because what I experience as me is merely what it is – it’s a reaction – it’s a character – but it’s nothing bad, or wrong – such as my judgment suggests; as such I commit myself to see myself without judgment – simply seeing what I’ve become without reacting – allowing myself to be self-intimate – see into me – and understand myself – and see myself – and from within that be able to stand up within me and correct myself

When and as I see that I am reacting in judgment towards what I experience as fear, and social anxiety – and I think that “I shouldn’t experience myself this way” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this type of thinking doesn’t lead me to a solution – I mean only because I think that I shouldn’t feel in a particular way – doesn’t stop me from actually feeling that way – it merely adds another dimension of reaction to the point which is completely unnecessary; as such I commit myself to stop judging myself – to stop having any preconceived ideas, and hopes about myself – and simply deal with – get to know – and be intimate with who I am, and who I’ve become

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ConfidenceWikipedia: Confidence is generally described as a state of being certain either that a hypothesis or prediction is correct or that a chosen course of action is the best or most effective.

Day 40: Continuing With Nervousness

Today I listened to the interview “Finalising Nervousness Support” – and the point that hit home with me was the nervousness is most-often caused by lack of preparation.

stressThis made me consider a few points in relation to my studies – because as I’ve shared in this blog I’ve experienced much nervousness in relation to walking my exams, and writing the final test – and this nervousness did occur this time around as well. So – when I began to considered the point that nervousness is very much related to one’s level of preparation – I realized that one dimension of my nervousness in relation to my exams might have to do with a problem with my vocabulary – and that the reason I do experience nervousness in relation to my exams is because it’s me actually showing myself that I’ve not integrated the vocabulary of the course effectively, with clarity, and specificity.

As I looked on this point – I utilized some memories from the past of when I’ve written my exam before, because by now I’ve written the term-exam 5 times already – and I compared my various study techniques, and then also looked at my experience of nervousness in relation to then at a later stage writing the exam. What I could see was that when I’d utilized the study technique of writing the information down – that was the exam that I’d experienced myself the least nervous, and also the exam on which I’d received the best results – fascinating!

This “finding” so to speak also correlates with what I’ve recently learned about “the natural learning ability” of the human being – and how we as human beings integrate information the most effectively. Writing information down is one of these physical practical points that give’s the physical body a opportunity to work with the information for real – and which also establish a more effective output – because in only reading information what one do is that one establish an ineffective input. So – I will cross-reference these points during my next term, and accordingly spend much more time writing information than I’ve done before – to see what the effect of this will be, and whether this will allow me to integrate the information more effectively.

Okay – that was what I had to share about my findings in relation to the natural learning ability, vocabulary effectiveness, and it’s influence on my experience of nervousness – though this is not the only dimension that affects my experience of nervousness. There are three words that I see play a role in my nervousness-experience – these are “unknown”, “unexpected”, “unplanned” – and these points are also much related to the experience of stress – which there is a cool interview about that you can hear here. So – in essence I will dedicate my self-forgiveness in this blog towards investigating my relationship towards these three words, and also apply commitment statements – as to how to correct my relationship with these words so that I can study in the stability, and silence of breath – and do my exams in the stability and silence of breath – with no movement within me what-so-ever.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a fear of the unknown, a fear of that which I can’t control, and can’t foresee – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into nervousness, and stress when and as I don’t have a complete control over my reality – and I do not know exactly what is going to happen in the next moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I do not have complete control, complete mastery over my physical reality – and that I can foresee everything that will happen in my world – that I am vulnerable to destruction, and annihilation – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my fear of the unknown, my fear of the unexpected, and my fear of the unplanned – through thinking that I am protecting myself by holding unto this fear – and that this fear helps me to be effective in living – while really – the opposite is true – because what I fear I create – which is so because in living as fear – I am not seeing, and utilizing common sense in my direct movement here – and thus the likelihood of me creating compromising situations, and moments for myself is much greater

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a fear, and anxiety towards letting go of control – and trusting myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate control to self-trust – not realizing the self-trust is not dependent upon control – because self-trust stands regardless of external stimuli movements – as self-trust is a point that is developed, and created by self – and as such not dependent upon a particular external point to move, or exist in a particular way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear, anxiety, and nervousness towards not being able to foresee whether my life will be “happy” or filled with struggles, and strife’s – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify holding unto control, and stress – and nervousness – in thinking, and believing that this increases my likelihood of experiencing a “happy” life – not seeing the simple common sense – that living within anxiety, stress, and nervous I can’t ever be in anyway “happy” – as I will constantly exist in a worry, and state of fear – that something is going to occur and happen that I do not have any form of control over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being powerless, and unable to impose change on my life, and reality – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify holding unto stress, and nervousness – thinking that when I hold unto these experiences I will at least be able to protect myself from having a situation manifest wherein I am powerless, or unable to change my reality – not realizing that stress, and nervousness are mental experiences and not a physical practical and useable skill that assists me in moving myself effectively in my life – and thus completely irrational experiences that do not help to assure my physical well-being in this world, and reality what-so-ever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason I fear loosing power, and loosing control – is because I’ve not allowed myself to create these words as living words of and as myself – but that I’ve allowed myself to define these words as my ability to manipulate, and control my exterior reality – not realizing that this is not power, and this is not control – it’s merely a form of physical movement bound by the laws of the physical reality – but not a actual power, and a actual control – because all the time – regardless of how “powerful” I might consider myself to be – I will always be subject to the laws of the physical world and reality – and as such I understand that real control, and real power – can only be real and actual when I stand as those points within and as me as a living expression of me – as a living statement of who I am in each and every breath – wherein I decide what and who I am – and what principle I stand and live by

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that when I stand certain in who I am – certain in what I am – certain in why I am – there can’t be any nervousness, or stress – because these points are in essence based upon fear of death – as the fear of loosing all form of control over this external reality – and this fear can’t exist when I stand within me in such a stability, and depth of silence – that I understand that who I am can’t be moved, touched, or defined by death – as I stand as the power within me that in all-ways decide who I am – and within this that I create who I am – thus creating life from nothing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the experiences of stress, and nervousness – allowing myself to go into and as a state of preparation – as trying to avoid a disastrous event from taking place – and through these experiences attempting and trying to control my reality; and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the simplicity of physically controlling my exterior reality as a point of self-movement – and even though I am not able to have full control – I am able to have somewhat effective control and create this control without any form of experience such as stress, or nervous – because physically directing, and moving my reality is not about mental experiences – it’s about my effectiveness of communication – my effectiveness of physical movement – my effectiveness in social interaction with others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how stress, and nervousness literally are illusions – because – they do not produce anything of benefit – they do not assist me in stabilizing my life, and my daily living – they do not assist me in actually walking through my exams – they do not assist me in actually making sure that I have money, and financial stability – they do not in-fact do anything but exist within me as a experience – that in essence only serve to disturb me, and take my focus away from living, and moving myself in my day-to-day life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the points of unexpectedness, unplanned events, and the unknown – realizing, and understand that I will never be able to have complete control over this reality – as such it’s completely unnecessary to create experiences of stress, and nervousness because I do not have that control – I mean – it’s impossible to have such a control so why continue to fight reality? As such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to align myself with the actual functioning of this physical world and reality – and stop fighting it – stop resisting it – and stop trying to change it to match my inner belief, and hope of what I’d like this reality to be like

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into and as a state of stress, and nervousness – because I see that I am approaching uncharted territory – and I can’t be completely sure on the outcome of what I am taking on and walking; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – there is no reason to fear uncharted territory – I mean sure – there might come an event that is painful, uncomfortable, or even an event that leads to my death – but – that is the nature of this reality – and it’s completely stupid to fear the nature of this reality as what is here – because it doesn’t help, it doesn’t assist, and it doesn’t change this reality; as such I commit myself to embrace the functioning and movement of this reality – and work with what is here – and practically train, and practice moving myself in such a way in this reality – that I am able to avoid and direct potentially harmful, or uncomfortable experiences, and events – as such – stopping myself from relying upon fear, nervousness, and stress – and instead relying upon common sense deduction

When and as I see that I go into a state of nervousness, because I don’t know how to be, or how to move, or how to direct myself in a given situation – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – me experiencing nervousness does not assist, and support me to walk, and direct the situation – I mean – it would be far more effective for me to stop for a while – observe the situation – and develop solutions – solutions are far more effective in having actual physical positive results than nervousness; as such I commit myself to instead of going into nervousness when I face the unknown – to make the unknown known – and develop solution for me to direct, and effectively move myself within that which is now known

When and as I see that I go into stress – as fearing that I will run unto an unplanned, and unexpected event – and that I will not be able to deal with this event – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – stress merely serves to make me blind to what is here – not see what is here – and not be able to effectively process what is here – stress is like a energetic blindfold that I take on thinking that it will help me to navigate my reality – obviously that isn’t so; as such I commit myself to face the unexpected, to face the unplanned – with a straight back – and effective breathing – realizing that the only way to effectively live in this life is to live physically – breath by breath – walking actual practical solution instead of going into my mind as energetic experiences of positive, or negative

When and as I see that I am going into and as a fear of not being in control, and not having power over my world – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that power, and control over this world is in essence an illusion – something that isn’t real – but merely real in my mind; as such I commit myself to live real power, and real control – which are points that I live AS ME – as me living the decision in every moment that I am life as all as one as equal – and that the principle which I stand by – and make my decisions by is what is best for all – and giving to another as I’d like to receive

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