Tag Archives: idea

Day 460: Then, Now, and What’s to Come

I have been listening to two newly released interviews on Eqafe which I found to be very supportive:

Then, Now, and What’s to Come – Reptilians – Part 585
Then, Now, and What’s to Come: Consequence and Creation – Reptilians – Part 586

One of the solutions suggested in the interviews, when facing difficult and challenging experiences, is to, when the challenge opens up, to immediately ask: What can I learn from this, how can I substantiate my being from this, what word can I apply and live here? And then, answering those questions in the moment, and pushing oneself to live the answers. The focus hence being on real time living and real time change.

For myself, I have practiced real time living for many years. It is difficult. One of these difficulties is to break through justifications. Because seeing that real time change is possible, which opens up in a moment, is usually accompanied by a justification of some sort, as to why it is not possible to live that solution immediately. An example would be that I have a moment of conflict with my partner regarding who is to do the dishes. During the conflict I am able to see that a solution would be to slow down, and instead of approaching it subjectively, to look at what can be done to prevent this conflict in the future, and hence suggest that we establish a schedule as to who is to be responsible for the dishes. Then, the justifications will come through as follows: ‘Why should I be the responsible one? She would not listen anyway, there is no meaning. It will not help establishing a schedule, we will not follow it anyway’.

A justification has the following definition in the dictionary ‘the action of showing something to be right or reasonable’. I recognize a justification by its argumentative style – its a reason that apparently make sense as to why I should not apply/live the solution I have identified. The best way I have found to not give into the justification in those moments is to simply not give it any room within me, but immediately act on the solution that I have seen. When I act immediately, there is no time or space to construct and follow a justification. Hence, immediacy is a effective tool to counter justifications – and this is something I will continue to practice – so that I can master the skill of moving pushing myself when challenges open up to EXPAND and LEARN.

Another point mentioned in the interviews is that what will now start coming through more and more is our own voice of reason and our ability to see and recognize what is best for us. However, the challenge that we will still face is to pull this reason through into reality. An example might be that we see for ourselves that it would be supportive if start working out regularly or that we start writing a dairy on a recurring basis. I see, for myself, that learning how to act on and will that voice of common sense into life will be a key skill to develop in order to make my creation process more effective. It is definitely something that I am going to pursue in the coming year.

Thus, what am I able to learn, what points do I see that I want to create after having listened to these interviews?

What I see as a priority for me is to create within me is to take on the challenge of the points that I find to be really difficult – and instead of reacting and going into a state of victimization – to push myself to ask what I am able to learn, how am I able to expand, and how I am able to move forward with this point? To not accept and allow myself to give up and believe that it is impossible for me to change what I am facing only because it is difficult. To not accept and allow any justification to hold me back, but to make the decision, to look at and live the solution.

I also want to manifest/bring into my life, my voice of reason. Here, I do see that there are a couple of interests that I have desired/considered taking on that I have let slide. I will also push myself to pursue those interests, because I know that they have something to offer – there is something for me to learn within them. Thus, instead of waiting for my interests to come to me, I will start actively engaging in all of the interests/projects that caught my eye.

To summarize – what I will focus on is Creation and Movement instead of waiting, hoping, and giving up – I want to bring INTO reality.


 

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Day 380: Enforcing A HELL-thy Lifestyle

The Problem

Today I faced a situation where I got to experience a less pleasurable side of myself. I am going to call this side of myself the ‘coach’-character – because what happened is that I started to coach and push my partner to do a certain thing that I perceived to be healthy. When my partner responded negatively, instead of asking why, or simply letting the point go, my attempts to get my partner unto the ‘right path’ intensified, because I perceived myself as knowing/seeing what would be the best and most healthy option for my partner. Obviously, in retrospect I am able to see that the entire moment was created because of how I have misaligned my relationship to coaching/pushing/supporting others, and to the word health – and in the following blog I am going to walk through these misalignment’s and establish solutions that I am able to live instead.

When Coaching Becomes Forcing

Coaching becomes forcing when I am trying to create/will an outcome without consideration, without being humble, without seeing the other person, where they are at, and what would be best for them. Hence, forcing comes through when I have my own personal agenda, when the support is not unconditional. Because when I have an agenda, a mission to complete, a goal to reach, then suddenly, in my mind it makes a lot more sense to force, because then I have something to lose if I do not.

However, the notion that I have something to lose if my support (what I perceive is best) does not come through the way I have imagined, that is a misaligned understanding of what it means to support. Because then it is not anymore support, then it is gratifying my own self-interest, and using the word support as an excuse to be able to continue. Obviously, support, to be what is best for all, must be done unconditionally, it must be done without a goal, desire, a personal investment in anyway what so ever, because a personal investment will cloud my clarity – and make it difficult for me to see what kind of support the person really needs.

In the case with my partner, I wanted her to do something that I perceived as healthy. My point of self-interest within this was that I wanted/desired to have a healthy and strong partner with an active lifestyle. Because I held unto my self-interest I did not hear or see my partner and where she was at, as she did not have the strength to pursue the particular activity at the moment. If I would have been clear in my starting point, this is where I could have dropped the entire point, however because I was personally vested, I pushed the point even further, and became forceful.

Solution: When I see that I can support another with a point, I make sure that I am clear and there is no personal investment, no desire, no fear, that is motivating me to achieve a particular result, because I know, that if this is the case, my support will be tainted and not unconditional. Hence – I commit myself to clear myself using self-forgiveness and writing – and to first when I stand stable – offer my unconditional support to another and give as I would like to receive.

When health becomes a HELL

Health, a word with so many meanings and that have become excessively abused in this world, causing a lot of pain and misery for many, many people. The problem with how we have defined health is that health is seen as one state, one ideal, one way of living/being/looking, and that if we are able to compress/alter/change our life/ourselves to fit into this lifestyle of health, then we are apparently healthy. However, a big problem with this way of approaching health is that we are not considering that what might be healthy for one person, can be completely unhealthy for another.

This is what I did with my partner, as I had a particular idea that it is healthy to go out and walk for a moment. And sure, that might be so in a certain context. If I am otherwise in a good shape, not sick, I have the time, and there are no other barriers, it is usually supportive to go out for a walk. However, in my partners context, she did not feel physically rested, and she instead felt that it would be best for her to remain indoors and sleep. Because of my limited definition/understanding of health – I reacted – and thought: ‘But that is not healthy? I must help my partner to do the healthy thing’.

Since then I have reflected on the word healthy – what is real health? Having a fit body does not define health – eating only vegetables does not define health – because health is obviously something much more expansive – it is not only related to physical looks, food and exercise routines. What is more important is WHO WE ARE as human beings and how we relate to our human physical bodies – where a healthy approach would be to listen and be aware of how our physical bodies respond and feel to who we are in our minds and to what we eat and how we move ourselves – and acting/living in such a way that we support our bodies to reach its utmost potential. And that potential does necessarily imply that we have abs, toned bodies and that we only eat green, vegetarian food – rather health and the way our bodies express as health will be different and unique to each body – and will also reflect the beings individuality that inhabits the body.

Thus – in this moment with my partner – my partner was healthy when she made the decision to sleep – as that was what my partners body required in that moment to be able to express and function at its full potential.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit the word health through defining it as eating vegetables, working out and staying away from sugar – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not expand the word health, to move it, and make it part of my life, and as such give it a holistic, all encompassing definition, where it is not only about looking good, and eating good, but also about WHO I AM

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit how I live health through only focusing on my body – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that health is also about who I am within my mind, within my thoughts, who I am within my daily movement and direction, who I am within making decisions, it is the entirety of me, where I can support myself to stand within my full potential (living healthy) in all areas of my life instead of merely being concerned with how my body looks like and what I eat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge certain foods as healthy, and other foods as unhealthy, and within this separate myself from certain types of food, and not eat them, even though my body is showing me through hunger/urges/movements that it wants a particular type of food that I have defined as unhealthy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I cannot understand food through labeling it as either healthy or unhealthy – because food – as with all physical parts of this reality – is multidimensional and has a different purpose/function/value depending on the context in which it is existing – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the physical instead of standing with and as my physical and interacting with it directly – immediately – not relating to it through thinking/experiencing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not expand health and make it a part of myself – not something separate that I must reach and attain through eating ‘healthy food’ and doing ‘healthy stuff’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define health according to what is said and written in various news papers that profess that they know what health is and how health can be reached – instead of looking within me and redefining health according to my own understanding of health – and then live health in my life in a way that is supportive and that enhances and builds me instead of destroying me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force another to do what I perceive is best – instead of understanding – learning – and being humble – to see who another is and within this also come to terms with the point that I do not necessarily know what is best for another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force my view and idea of things unto others and expect them to live and behave according to how I have defined ‘what is best’ within me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be open and humble to learning new perspectives – seeing things differently – understanding that I might not know exactly what is best – what direction to go – and how to be healthy – and that thus – it is important for me to take a breath – relax and bring myself back here into and as my human physical body – and approach the situation from within and as a stable and grounded starting point where I am open and ready to learn something new

Self-commitment statements

Solution with regards to Forcing

When and as I see myself trying to impose, push, force my way of thinking, seeing things, understanding things, and I have a reaction, that motivates me to continue to argument, and force, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that in forcing, I am merely living out my own reactions, trying to have others adhere to how I experience things, thus, not supporting others to live to their utmost potential – and hence I see that this is not something that I would have wanted others to do towards me – as I would have wanted them to support me unconditionally and without their own agenda and personal investment in the point; hence I commit myself to stop my reactions and ground myself – and make sure – that if I decide to support another – that I am clear, stable and grounded – and that I speak and support from a starting point of genuinely caring for another and that they expand themselves and move to become the best that they can be

Solution to misalignment with regards to Health

I commit myself to live and apply the word health in my life with the following definition: Health is when I assist and support myself, mentally and physically, to be the best that I can be – and I do this through listening to myself and my body – being aware of what I am going through and what would be best for me – being fully and wholly open to all directions and not judging any part of the physical as ‘unhealthy’ and per definition avoiding it – hence not relying on ideas, ideals, diets and similar concepts.


Learn more about this way of living:

Day 344: Removing Projections

Future projections and dreams, if I have realized one thing in this process, it is how easily we can deceive ourselves by accepting and allowing ourselves to participate in the idea of a more fulfilling future. It is soooo easy – one moment when we lose touch with our breath – and a imagination regarding future comes up – and whoop – we are gone with the wind. The treacherous thing about future projections is that they are usually accompanied with some form of positive experience. Hence it is easy to believe that future projections is a positive/good/empowering pattern within ourselves. However, that is not the case, because the consequence of future projections is: Waiting instead of acting, not committing to what is here, not participating with what is here, and hoping instead of living. Basically, future projections makes us slave to a mental projection in our minds, and does not support us to LIVE.

Let me give you a practical example from my own life. During my university studies I found within me a deep and passionate love for learning. I enjoyed to read, to take in information, and to push myself to excel in my studies. However, while I was doing this, at the same time, there was within me a projection, an idea of where I was supposed to go in the future. Without me seeing it at the time, I was through holding unto that projection, my idea of what profession I would enter, what future I was supposed to have, and what I wanted to experience, already conditioning my relationship to my studies. I developed a tendency of only committing myself to certain parts and aspects of my studies that I deemed to be worthwhile in consideration of how I would best be able to realize my future projection. Through doing that, I missed out on a lot. Because there were many aspects of my studies that I could have committed myself to walk and get to know even better, if I had not held unto that future projection.

Thus, this all goes to show the importance of not conditioning our current expression, movement, and direction, that takes place in each and every moment of breath, according to a idea, a future projection, an illusion of where we are supposed to go. There is SO much to learn, so many areas of life in which we are able to expand, improve, and practice changing ourselves to the better – HOWEVER – when we close ourselves off to that part of life through constantly thinking about and looking at some distant future that is not here – we will not give ourselves access to that eternal well of expansion that is always HERE.

This also brings me into a different though closely related point – TIME – and how we use our time on this earth. When we always strive for something different to what is here – then we are NOT using our time effectively – because – we are not IN TIME – moving WITH TIME – but rather racing towards a time somewhere in the distant future. Life, reality, relationships, developing and creating ourselves – that is a process that will only always be HERE. If we are not HERE – then that process will be out of our reach. Thus – the importance of pushing presence – awareness – and HERE-living.

Now, how do we change from living in the future, in a projection, to instead, living HERE? One solution that I see, is to give myself FULLY to the MOMENTS of my life. Lets say that in one moment, I am participating on a chat. To then give myself FULLY to that moment would be to go into and participate in that chat with presence, awareness and vigor – it would be to have my mind and my attention placed fully here on what I am doing – not being separated through for example – thinking about what I am going to eat after the chat – but committing myself FULLY – FULLY living – FULLY communicating – FULLY relating – FULLY interacting – FULLY responding – being FULLY here – and not split in a millions pieces within myself as thoughts, and projections, as ideas of where I should go, who I should be, what I should do, and what not.

The solution to the illusion of a fuller life out there – is to become that FULL life HERE through FULLY living – and FULLY living being – to take part FULLY in every moment with ALL of MYSELF – and not half-arsing my way through life believing that such a participation is in anyway resembling what real living expression is all about.


Learn more about this way of living:

 

Day 197: The Urge for Limelight

Yesterday my partner asked to assist and support her in doing a tarot reading for her – I became intrigued and happy that I was asked to do this and looked forward to do the reading. So, some minutes later I began – and I walked through the cards, and shared with my partner what I saw – though after a while my partner interjected and said that she saw something different compared to me. In that moment I felt that I was being interrupted and that my partner was interfering with MY reading – and the emotional experience that came up was that of hurt, feeling rejected, and disregarded – and within this there was also a nuance of blame wherein I felt that my partner was stealing my moment in the limelight.

The backchat that came up within me was: “This was my time to shine!” – “She can’t just take this from me!” – “She doesn’t have any regard for me!” – so it was interesting to see how much I’d defined myself to the prospect of doing a reading for my partner, and the hope that my partner would enjoy the reading, and be pleased with my conduct.

Another dimension of the backchat that came up was a form of suppressive-backchat – because in that moment I tried to talk myself out of the reaction – as I could see that the reaction was unreasonable and unnecessary. Though this support-talk didn’t do the trick and I was contained inside the initial emotional reaction for several moments – until I through breathing in awareness was able to let the experience go and return it into the ground.

The point that I want to walk through in this blog is that of placing value and worth on being in the limelight, having my short moment of help another, doing a service for another, or saying something to another, where I will receive attention from another, and they will see me as this really great, marvelous, and fantastic individual that they’d gladly like to have in their life and world, for the rest of their existence. Because this is the reason – the why as to the intense reaction that came up when my moment of limelight was suddenly and without warning taken from me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself according to being in the limelight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to being in the limelight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to being in the limelight, and when someone asks me to do something for them, to in that moment going into a state of excitement, eagerness, and hopefulness, wanting and desiring to be in the limelight and mean something to another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel interfered with, interrupted, and embezzled of my moment in the limelight – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an intense reaction of feeling rejected, disregarded, taken for granted, and abused – and blame another for these experiences – thinking that they wouldn’t have come up within me unless someone ‘mean’ took my place and position in the limelight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, frustrated and annoyed when and as I perceive that someone has taken my spot in the limelight, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of envy and bitterness, because I feel that the person in question took my position, took my chance, took my moment to fly and get ahead in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become bitter and resentful when I perceive that I had a moment in the limelight, where I could shine and receive attention from another, and then suddenly it was taken from me, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself blame another for taking this limelight from me, and think that I deserved to have that moment of shining and being in the center of attention

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to being in the center of attention – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be that person that is the light of the party, that is the magnet in the box filled with metal, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to, and draw my feeling of value and worth, according to how much that I feel, and perceive I am able to draw the attention of others towards and unto me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a attention addict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need attention from others for my life to have value – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actively search for moments where I am able to gather and receive attention into my life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am in-fact utterly limiting myself through making all of me, and all of my life to be about what I can get from others to substantiate my life, instead of me taking responsibility and standing as the substance of my own life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take pride in, and appreciate myself according to how much significance I believe and perceive that I play in the lives of others – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that my life, and my living can only be of significance, meaning, and power, if I am able to help others, get attention from others, and be significant for and to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when another doesn’t use the services I’ve offered, that I am then not appreciated, and valued, and in that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into bitterness and resentment, wherein I feel that I am now worth nothing at all, and it’s this person’s fault because he or she didn’t want to use my services – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my usefulness and value according to whether I perceive that others find me useful and valuable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into bitterness and resentment when and as I feel that my services have been rejected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into bitterness and resentment when and as I perceive that my surroundings doesn’t appreciate my participation and contribution sufficiently – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have appreciation and be acknowledged by others for me to feel that it’s worth it to help another – or offer a service – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is a utterly limited – and contained way of looking at me giving assistance and support – because there are so much more I am able to do when I express and move myself without conditions

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to offer my services and help others unconditionally – to not do it in order to get anything in return – to be accepted or appreciated – but to instead do it unconditionally – to give as I’d like to receive

I commit myself to give as I’d like to receive – and in this I commit myself to not approach giving or offering my services within a secret starting point of wanting to achieve praise and appreciation in return – and as such I commit myself to approach giving with no expectations, hopes or desires – but rather – instead – simply to give

When and as someone is interrupting me, or I feel that another is interfering with my moment, and I react in bitterness, and resentment, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this resentment and bitterness isn’t necessary, that practically speaking there hasn’t been any compromise, it’s just that I feel disregarded and shoved aside, and thus I commit myself to breathe, and unconditionally let go of any desire to be in the foreground, and to have the attention, and to be in control of the moment, to instead breathe, and align myself with what is here, and direct the moment according to what I see is common sense and best for all

Day 178: Unconscious Ideas of Life

I am continuing my process of uncovering fear and anxiety in relation to the future – and in particular fears regarding money, career, education, and housing.

Yesterday I asked my partner she could support my in laying tarot cards on this point, she did that, and the following emerged: Life and responsibility is something that I’ve placed outside of myself and that I see as being very fragile things that unless I constantly tend to them, and make sure they function and are properly in place – they will fall apart. Thus, fear is something that has come up within me in relation to my future, because I feel unable to effectively handle life, and from my perspective, it’s more like an egg that I balance on spoon, while I am at the same time running forward, dodging, and zigzagging to avoid obstacles.

The delusion I’ve created is that I will through this running, and pushing myself forward in life, at one stage, or time be able to relax, and let go – to put that egg away and breathe out. The problem though, is that there exist no such stage or future time, and that regardless of how many projects, or methods I develop, to ensure my life, my financial success, my comfort, and lifestyle, that experience of life being like wobbly egg on a spoon will persist – because the core-point has not effectively been dealt with.

Thus, in this blog I am going to look at the core-point, which is as I currently see it located in a memory from my teens. I was around seventeen years old, and had some years left in school before I was supposed to wander into the world by myself. At this time I began to question what skills, and abilities I’d attained throughout my life, and I concluded that they were few and far in-between. This thought-construct came up and develop from within and as a experience and starting point of fear, and anxiety, and primarily the worry was related to how I would be able to deal with my future – what would I be able to do with my life when I knew absolutely nothing at all? Would I slowly but surely sink into non-existence as my life came to be more and more irrelevant? That was my origin fear – the fear of not being able to do anything with myself and my life and that it would just vanish – and that my life would come to nothing.

So, in this I decided to develop skills, and abilities, and it was specifically done from this starting point of fear – and I moved myself very diligently and with great perseverance – yet: It was all based upon fear – and here I am today – wherein this fear is still prevalent within me – because of this one point – where I decided that I can’t trust myself to walk into my life and deal with it – stabilize myself within it – and make something out of myself – but that I must develop and create some form of skill that I can define myself according to – in order for me to be sure that my life will not fall apart the moment I step out of my parents protective sphere and start caring for and directing my own life and living.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to state within myself, that because I have no skills, and no abilities, I will not be able to care for, and attend to, and direct my life, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and form the solution within me, that I must acquire, and build skills for myself so that I am able survive in this world, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide to develop, and create skills for myself in this world, from a starting point of fear, and self-distrust, in believing that I am not able to handle, and effectively direct my life, and living, and I am not able to stabilize myself without being certain that I have money, and I have the skills I require in order to attain the particular professions that I require to place myself in to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the decision to develop skills from a starting point of fear, and self-distrust, in thinking to myself that I am not able to trust myself, and I am not able to rely upon myself in walking, and participating in this world, and that I require, and need someone else to guide me, and help, or I need, and require some form of skill or ability that I am able to rely upon and that can help me get through my life so that I am able to survive, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear, and anxiety, and give into these experiences, and design my life around these experiences, in believing that they are real, and that I am not able to trust myself, and I am not able to build a life for myself, because I am somehow, simply not equipped, and stable enough, to go out and create and build myself, and stand stable and certain in my life, unless I have these skills and abilities in my backpack

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead trust myself that I will be able to walk out into this world and direct myself – to develop the skills necessary for me to handle my life, to if I find myself in a situation where I don’t have developed skills or abilities, that I then direct myself to do so, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that I will be able to direct and handle, and take on, and walk the situations in my life that come up, and that I don’t need some form of additional experience, skill or ability to do that, and that I as such only need and require myself – my human physical body here – and that I direct myself HERE to deal with what emerge in my life on a moment per moment basis

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself in terms of being able to walk and handle and direct my life effectively, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that my effectiveness, and ability in terms of handling, and directing my life is dependent upon a ability, a skill, or a experience, upon money, upon my future, upon my past, instead realizing that I can trust myself to direct my life – that I don’t need and require to attain and have something more – or something better – or something more extravagant than myself – and that it’s about WHO I AM within and as each and every moment of breath – it’s about who I decide to be and how I decide to live and how I decide to approach my life and the problems that emerge that I require to direct – that is what will make the difference as to whether I will live a effective life or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself, and see, realize and understand that what I require in order to be effective in life is not skills, or abilities, but rather that I am present, aware, and HERE, ready and able to direct and move myself – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead of focusing upon creating skills and abilities for myself, focus upon me remaining present, aware and stable here – not reacting, not becoming emotional, and not becoming possessed with experiences, but rather remaining factual, and objective – and developing solutions and directing problems as they emerge – and realizing that this is what I require to perfect in order for me to walk through my life effectively – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the gift of self-trust – and expand myself within this self-trust in developing the ability take my decisions upon basis of common sense as I face challenges and difficult points and situations throughout my life and living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the decision within myself that I am not able to trust myself, and to believe that the only way I will be able to get myself through this lifetime is through acquiring certain abilities and skills, acquiring money, and a profession that is stable, so that I can be certain that I will survive, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in making that decision, I set myself up for a lifetime of fear, wherein I’ve placed myself in separation from life, and in separation from responsibility, instead of standing as those points as myself – and living as life – living as responsibility – and thus not anymore trying to fix, or repair, or direct my life to become safe, and secure, in order for me to make it through my life – but instead trusting myself that whatever might come and emerge in my life – I will find a solution – I will direct myself – and I will place myself in a position and in a stand that will be supportive for myself and those around me

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a state of self-distrust, in believing that I require a particular skill, or ability, or future play-out in order to make it, and be safe, and secure, and stable, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here to my human physical body – and I see, realize and understand that this is only a fix, and an attempt to repair an underlying issue which is that I don’t trust myself to walk through life and direct myself effectively, and find solutions to the issues and problems that I face – and thus I commit myself to develop myself as my direction and my self-trust in standing stable and effective HERE – finding solutions and move through difficult times and challenges through establishing routes and plans – and movements that will be supportive for me as well as those around me – thus trusting myself to deal with and direct life as it emerge and develop – instead of trusting that skills and abilities will do this for me

I commit myself to develop self-trust – through pushing myself to trust myself as I walk into the future, and into the unknown – that I will direct the challenges and problems – that I will find solutions – and that I will not give up upon myself – but instead push myself until I am satisfied that I’ve established effective ways of directing my life that is best for all

Day 137: Trusting Myself To Deal With It

I’ve had a thought connected with a slight fear arise within me quite repetitively the recent weeks – and it’s been the fear of keeping my blogs personalized, in fear that this might cause some future employer of mine, to find the blogs, and then shun me.

Looking at the point practically, I see that there is at the moment no need to worry, because currently I am not in the process of applying for jobs, currently there is no one that I require to hide from, because my income is stable, and it will remain like that for the coming year. So, looking at the state of my world as it functions in this moment, I do not see that this fear is practically grounded.

That this fear is continuously coming up shows me that there is something else going on, it’s not really about my blogs, it’s not really about any employer, it’s not really about what people think about me – rather it’s about my fears of the future, and my fear of ending up in this world without the most basic life necessities, such as a house, food, water, and clothing; this is my real fear – and this is what comes up within me in the form of these thoughts – calling on me to look at and deal with them.

So, I fear for my survival, and more specifically I fear for the future, and fear loosing control of the future – the specific origin fear in this case is the fear of becoming powerless – which would mean that I end up in a situation, such as for example being a beggar or a homeless, and that there is absolutely nothing I am able to do in that situation in order to get me out of it – but that I instead will remain in that secluded, and limited world of being a beggar for the rest of my life.

What I fear is actually a reality for many – there are millions, if not billions of human beings that have been born into abhorrent conditions – and fascinatingly enough I don’t experience any fear or worry on their part; which goes to show that my fear of ending up in this situation – is a fear of self-interest and ego – as it’s ONLY me – and as long as I don’t end up as a beggar or a homeless person – then it’s apparently okay and the system can continue as is.

Though, this is not acceptable, and obviously, my fear of becoming a beggar, and homeless, and becoming powerless, is in one way valid, because it can actually take place, it can actually happen, there is a reality behind it all – and this shows that to change this point there requires not only a internal change, but also a external change, because the world system as it currently exist, must reform to not anymore allow this form of atrocity; the living words of Safety and Security – are thus words that at the moment do not exist in this world – because there is no certainty – and there is no predictability – nobody is completely safe; and this is a huge problem.

Regardless, I must remove and redefine this fear – and I see that this fear of becoming powerless arise because I’ve not yet given myself the trust of knowing, that regardless of what situation I get into – I will direct myself – I will look for solutions – and I will strive for perfection – until I manage to resolve it. That is my point of stability – that I am here – and that I trust myself to direct myself no matter what.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that regardless of what situation I find myself within, that I will within that stand up, take a breath, and direct myself to find a solution, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ending up in a situation where I am powerless, within this thinking that the situation have power and control over me, instead of me trusting myself that I will stand as power and control, that I will take direction, that I will motivate myself, and move myself, to find solutions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that regardless of what situation I find myself within, that I will move myself to find a solution, that I will strive for perfection and that I will not give up – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself that I would be able to deal with a situation wherein I stand without money, and without a home, and without food – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, that in standing in such a situation, I would have to move and direct myself, I would have to deal with it, and this is so regardless of whether I fear this situation occurring in my life, or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself see myself as powerless, and inferior in relation to the system, and in relation to money, and in relation to the future, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am only powerless, and I am only inferior, when this is how I accept and allow myself to view and see myself – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there is in-fact power in me – as me being able to direct myself in every moment – and that this is something that can’t be removed from me by the system – because regardless – I will be here with me in every moment – and thus I will have the opportunity to direct myself and find a solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I define and see the system as superior and more than me, and me as being powerless in relation to the system, then this is what I am creating, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, and realize that I do have power – though this power exists in a different form than the power of the system – that my personal power is something that is here in every moment – and it’s my power to not give up – it’s my power to regardless of what I face – to move ahead and break through – and to not accept and allow myself to give in but rather push for and establish a solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to establish solutions in my life – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that fear, and the fear of becoming powerless, are in-fact excuses and justifications for me to not stand up and apply the solution, which is to not accept and allow myself to go into powerlessness, which is to not accept and allow myself to give in, and to simply accept things as they are, but to rather, and instead, push and motivate and will myself to make a difference in my own life – to focus upon the solutions – to focus upon the difference that I am able to make for myself as well as others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that actual powerlessness doesn’t exist – because regardless of the situation – there is always something that I am able to do – there is always a way and there is always a solution to be found – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stabilize myself within and as the self-trust that regardless of what I will face – I will move myself to establish a solution – and I will move myself to establish a way for myself that works

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to control the future, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, that if I loose control over my future, and it plays out in a way that I’ve not been able to predict and foresee, to believe that this is then going to utterly, and completely destroy me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that if this happens – then I simply direct the point – I breath in and I breath out – I look at what is here – and I decide upon a movement and a way of living that is the best and that will produce the most effective outcome

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am limiting myself when I accept myself as being powerless, and how it is that I am in-fact lying to myself – because it’s obvious – that regardless of the situation that I am facing – I am able to take power of my life – and move myself – because I do have what I require to do that – I have a functional mind – I have a functional body – I have the ability to consider options – and move myself according to the best one – and as such there is no excuses for me to go into and believe myself to be powerless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when fear of the future arise within me, this indicates that I do not trust myself here, and that I am attempting and trying stabilize, and gain a trustworthy foundation in my life through something external, such as money, such as relationships, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here to and as my physical body – and realize that I must stand as the point of self-trust – that I must stand as trust and power as I walk into the future and I face the future and face myself within it – standing within and as the principle of give as I’d like to receive – and when there is a problem – to immediately locate and establish a effective solution

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into fear of the future, fear that a possible future employer will not hire me because I am blogging in my own personal capacity, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this fear is not about a job – this fear is about ME and how I am not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself – that regardless of what I will stand and I will walk upright into the future – and I will deal with it through finding solutions to the problems that I am facing; as such I commit myself to trust myself – that regardless of what I will stick to my self-application – of breath – of self-forgiveness – of self-commitment statements – and I will guide myself through any contingency utilizing the principle of finding solutions to the problems that arise

When and as I see that I am trying to map out, and plan in the most specific detail possible, my future, in order to avoid any instance of unpredictability, and I notice that I do this from within and as fear, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize, and understand, that regardless of whether my plan succeeds or not – I will stand here by myself and walk into the future upright and not accept and allow myself to fall and give in – and give up – thus I will direct myself no matter what; and as such I commit myself to trust myself – and to breathe through this fear and state within me – that I trust myself to deal with the future and the problems that might arise as they come – I don’t require fear for that – and thus I let go of this fear – and I bring myself back here

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Day 59: Automatic Defense and Protection-mode

A pattern that I’ve noticed today is the “Oh my god I am attacked” pattern – and this mental pattern takes shape as following:

I will be casually doing my own thing – driving, walking, talking – whatever point I might be participating in: then I will see someone’s facial expression, gesture, movement – and I will believe that they are angry at me, and that they are reacting and will give my a good verbal beating as I come close to them.

Defensive-HTML-and-CSSThis particularly happens as I drive my taxi – for example I will be driving to pick up a client, and then I see the client – and I perceive their facial expression to be slightly negative, slightly frowning – immediately I will go into a state of tension, and pressure and put myself into self-defense-mode – wherein I will be more protective, and defensive – and hold myself back in my participation – because I believe myself to know that I might “get it” at any time – thus the smartest I can do is apparently to see to it that I am amply protected.

A fascinating point that I’ve noticed is that my initial judgment of another persons face is seldom real – it’s instead often completely misjudged and when I then start to talk with the person I notice that they are calm, and stable – and they don’t have any particular grudge towards me – because it’s all MADE UP in my mind.

So – I believe that I am protecting myself by going into this defense-mode – but really I am just running away from reality and into my mind where there is no facts but only what I feel, and what I experience – and what I am able make out as a apparent truth out of the chaos of my thoughts – so I mean – this point is not serving me at all; it’s really non-sense – I mean NON SENSE as my reactions towards reality having no factual basis – they are ILLUSIONS – not real.

Thus – I will write self-forgiveness in relation to this particular way of defending myself towards apparently “mean” and “angry” people that are out “to get me” – so that I am able to walk into any situation and be completely stable, and at ease with myself here – with no reaction, no experience, and no feeling – instead FACTS.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as the self-protection and defense character when I perceive that someone is angry at me, or annoyed with my presence, or is simply waiting for someone to lash out on – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself and to act according to experience, to act according to emotion, and feeling – instead of remaining and sticking here with and as facts – sticking here with what I am able to see and discern with my REAL-EYES – meaning that I in-fact realize and see what is reality and what is fake as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to defend myself from others – instead of realizing that I can’t defend myself from others because I can’t in-fact be influenced, and moved by others – because the person that do this towards me – is ME – by my own acceptance and allowance – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath and bring myself back here and understand that I am not able to loose myself, and I am not able to be harmed – and thus there is nothing to protect, and defend myself from – there is nothing to run away from – and there is nothing that is able to defeat me – I mean – I simply here interacting within and as this physical reality – walking with my human physical body – and there is nothing more to it but this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my initial judgment, and my initial thoughts – as how I perceive, and see another – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind and to trust my reactions towards another – instead of trusting myself as the physical here – as living here within and as physical equality and oneness with and as my human physical body – seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am only able to trust what is here directly as fact – as that is the only point that is real as MATTER – because what goes on in my mind is a point that has been programmed into me as a misunderstanding of actual physical reality – and as such it’s nothing that I am able to trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need my reactions, my emotions, and my faulty judgments to be able to live – and discern reality – not realizing that I am not really ever discerning reality – I am merely living in my own self-created illusion as a idea of what I think is real – but it’s not real because I am not stable – and reality is always stable – thus if I’d in-fact stood one and equal as reality I’d be equally stable as the physical but I am not – thus this proves that my inner mental reality is a fake – a lie – that I’ve manufactured and believed to be real due to the experience I feel – not realizing that the experience can be stopped, and removed – and is thus not real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to hold unto my fear of other people to defend myself, and to survive in this reality – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this “survive” I want to attain is not actual, and real survival – but it’s the survival of the mind – survival of fear – survival of energy; and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here – and see, realize, and understand that I do not need energy to survive – and to live – and to express myself here – and there is nothing to fear about letting go of this point – I mean – I can prove to myself here that all I need is the physical – as breath – and that the mind is not necessary for me to be here and be effective within and as my movement of and as breath as living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, and believe that when I experience that “someone is out to get me” – that this is actually real, and that only because I have this experience it means that this point is real – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I am not able to trust my experiences – that I am not able see reality in any way through my mind – and that all I am seeing when I am reacting is my own programmed energy entity that I’ve designed through out my life without any effective awareness; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here to life – back to living as the physical – and as such stop my desire to hold unto energy, and experience in the belief that this helps me to live, and express myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, and perceive that without energy, without thought, without the mind – I am helpless, and I am not able to function in this world – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my allegiance to the mind – to believe that I am dependent on the mind to exist and that I exist solely because the mind allows me to exist – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here – and accept and allow myself to see that I am able to live as a self-independent and self-standing principle – as a living principle – and that I thus don’t need the mind – but that I am able to live and direct myself here within and as oneness and equality as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, and believe that I must have the mind to be stable – and that without the mind deciding who I am, and how I should experience myself in every moment – I am completely at loss, I am helpless, and I am worthless – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here – and to see, realize, and understand that all I require to do to prove myself that I don’t need the mind – is to take a breath – and to live HERE directly in the physical without in anyway compromising my presence – my stand – and my physical beingness here – but that I simply live and walk here without a single thought existing in my mind – because I am so fully and completely living here – that there is simply nothing holding me back from me living fully and thus without fear – without doubt – without hesitation – as I live HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people on the way I perceive that they look, and as I observe people immediately look for “danger-signs” as various facial expressions, movements, or sound tonalities – that I am able to define as being threatening, and bad for me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here to the physical and see, realize, and understand that I do not need my mind to be effective in my life – that I do not need the mind to interact, move, and direct myself here without any fear; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I meet someone – to meet them HERE in the physical – in the flesh – and without holding unto a private secret agenda in my mind as “my personal experience”

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I go into the self-protection, and defense character – wherein I immediately react through tensing myself and making sure that I protect myself from another’s apparent nastiness – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t require this character to be effective in my living, and that this fear I experience towards what another might say, or do towards me – it’s not valid – it’s not based on facts but upon my imaginary fantasies in my mind – as such I commit myself to meet another HERE as the physical and not participate in any form of assumption, as perception – as thinking that I apparently know what another is going to do, or say to me – and that I due to this require to protect myself

When and as I see that I am trying to protect, and defend myself from others – because I perceive, and see it as if I am “under attack” – and that I thus require get the fort out and make sure that I don’t buckle – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that what I perceive is not reality, what I feel is not reality, and my fort is not reality – and as such I commit myself to live in reality which is to be HERE with and as my body – with and as breath – and not in my mind – but in the physical here and direct myself within and as oneness and equality as breath

When and as I see that I trust my initial judgment, and idea of another – that comes up as a experience the moment I see another, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this point is not real – my initial experience is merely a memory that have become activated within me as a particular fear that I’ve created in relation to particular stimuli – and thus I am in essence limiting myself; as such I commit myself to bring myself back here and to live HERE – to stop internalizing – to stop analyzing – to stop thinking and instead walk in reality HERE within and as oneness and equality as the physical – being stable and interact physically HERE

When and as I see that I feel as if I need my mind, I need my reactions, I need my experiences to continue existing – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t need my mind – I don’t need to experience to be able to direct myself effectively and efficiently in reality – I mean all that I need is simply seeing direct here and then using common sense to discern my movement and my direction in life

I commit myself to stop going into a automatic defense-mode – and I instead commit myself to meet people here in stability as breath – to meet them – get to know them – be here with them – and to not judge them, or create a personal experience within me in relation to how they express, or move themselves – but instead practice being stable here

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