Tag Archives: imagination

Day 383: Projections and Imaginations

I find it easy to become distracted by material things. For a while I have becoming increasingly enthusiastic, and equally anxious about changing/altering/refining certain parts of my living quarters. From being an innocent hobby, it has escalated, and moved, and now, I am basically daily imagining and fantasizing about new projects. The problem is that it is done, usually, from a starting point of anxiety, from a starting point of lack, where I perceive that there is something amiss in my life at the moment, and that I desperately need to direct/change/alter the point in order to streamline my life. Hence, the problem is not the actual changes, alterations I want to make, the problem is WHO I AM. I see this experience as symptomatic – and fact is that I suspect it actually originates in a different part of my life – and that it then moves itself into for example the dimension of my life where I deal with hobbies.

Thus – the problem I would say – the actual deep rooted problem – is my habit of approaching things from within and as a starting point of lack/anxiety – because if I would have not done that – then the projects I see around my home would simply have been that – projects – that I might or might not get to one day that does not change WHO I AM in anyway what-so-ever. That is the point that I want to get to. Because I do not want to distract myself, and exist in this state of continuous fear/lack/anxiety that I am missing something, or that there is something I should be doing, that I am not doing. I will thus push myself to live the word abundance – to embrace the abundance that is all around me in my life in the form of the physical with all its various expressions – nature, breathing, sensations, physical relationships, I mean there is so much to be aware of and discover, that disappears when I accept and allow my mind to be cluttered by anxiety/fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on new projects in my mind, and then become stressed when I notice that I do not have the time to fulfill/walk them completely, and then become stressed and anxious, because I still try to walk and complete them – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this behavior – to not question why I feel that need and urge to continue walking and pushing myself to complete and fulfill a particular point even though I notice there is not enough time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with taking on and moving new points into and as a form of fulfillment and completion – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with wanting to make my environment, my life, and my world seem perfect, and then create, and form all of these projects in my mind that I perceive I have to get to and finish for my life, and world to become what I want it to become, instead of remaining stable, and questioning this way of approaching life, questioning, why the hell I get this experience within me, and why I feel there is such a shortage of time, and why I require, or feel the requirement, and need to push myself so severely, and harshly, to ‘get by’ and ‘make it’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with achieving perfection in my outside world and reality – not seeing, realizing and understanding how this is literally a distraction – something that captures the attention of my mind – a point that I get focused and hooked upon – where I then lose touch and connection with reality because all of myself – all of my mind – is caught up in this state and experience of wanting to achieve perfection – picture perfection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with wanting to achieve material perfection through altering and changing my life to make sure that all parts of it works – and is perfect – that there is no flow – no mistake – nothing in my life that in anyway gives away that there is a problem and difficulty in my life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this way of becoming obsessed with the material side of my world as a way to escape and distract myself from walking my inner process of self-change and movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand what this tendency is showing to me – is that I too serious within myself when it comes to material success in this world – and that I am accepting and allowing myself to be all too possessed with making sure that I acquire material success and notoriety – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath – and smell the roses – to push myself to walk in the moment and not be so serious and determined to reach some kind of future that is not even here – to reach a future that I am not even able to at this moment clarify to myself exactly where it is that I am going and why

When and as I see myself going into a imagination, looking at, projecting myself into the future, from a starting point of lack/anxiety/fear – I immediately stop myself – I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this way of approaching life is not realistic – it is based on a idea of lack and that I have to fight/move/push hard in order to stabilize my value and get to a point of equality – instead of embracing my equality HERE – embracing the abundance that is HERE – seeing, realizing and understanding that I do not need nor do I require to accept and allow myself to limit who I am according to what I am able to produce and build, create, in the external – and thus I commit myself to breathe – to let go of material possessions and the anxiety/fear related to these – and I commit myself to live abundance within and as every moment of breath – to use each moment to integrate and stand with and as my human physical body – and the abundance that is HERE

 


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Day 110: Fact or Feeling?

I am currently listening to an interview series called “The Crucifixion of Jesus” – and the topic is wants, and how we from want create fears.

The pattern goes like this – we first state that we miss something, after that we go into a state of wanting that thing, and after that we go into a fear of loosing our want, and this is something I can relate to in regards to careers and money. Because, for quite a long time I’ve been wanting a specific career path, wanting a specific type of job, and within this I’ve gone into a fear, and anxiety that I won’t be able to attain and get this particular position.

So, I am in this blog going to look closer at this particular point, of how I create wants, and then go into fears about not being able to attain those particular wants, instead of creating a direct relationship with a want, and creating such a point in practical reality, through practical living, and not through utilizing any form of fear, anxiety and nervousness.

In relation to this particular point, with career, and money, another point is worth to be mentioned, and that is the point of how I tend to dream, and imagine things to happen in the future, and within this create wants, but not really having a clear and actual understanding of the practical point that I am actually desiring and wanting. For example, in regards to careers, I’ve wanted to have this specific career-path, yet in looking at the point for what it is, looking at the information that is out there describing this particular career-path, I am able to see that what I hoped that this would, is in-fact not real – and thus the job in it’s actuality is not in-fact in anyway resembling the want existing within me, because the want is merely a energy, and a experience, connected to particular fantasies, and it have nothing to do with reality in-fact.

Thus, within this I see how important it is to remain practical, and to make sure that within one’s decisions, that one take reality into consideration, and act according to what is practical, what is physical and what is real, and not according to how one feel about a particular point, because the feeling, it’s simply not real, and it doesn’t actually show or describe what is real – it’s just that – a positive feeling one have about a particular outcome or result, but with no understanding of what that outcome or result actually represents.

The most effective way to walk in this life, is to walk without creating any form of feeling attachment towards one’s external reality, because in walking like this, one will be able to act and make decisions according to what is real.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider points, and make decisions as to what I am to do with my life, and how I am to live my life, according to energy, according to feeling and experience – instead of looking at the reality of the situation, and looking at what is in-fact here – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire, and want points from a starting point of how I feel about them, instead of making a decision to manifest and create a point into my life and reality, because I see that it’s common sense, I see that it’s effective, and I see that it benefits me on a practical physical level

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk in my life, to direct myself in life, to make decisions, and to consider points, from a starting point of how I feel about them, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in relation to career, create a particular positive energy towards a particular career path, and want and desire to walk this career path, without making the actual research as to what this career path entails on a practical and physical level

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a career decision without first researching what a particular career path implies on a physical level – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind to direct me in my life, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this particular way of moving myself in life is not at all effective – because what happens is that I make decisions and then I have no clarity and context as to the actuality of what the decision implies, I just make the decision and then hope it’s going to turn out as I desire and want – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – stabilize myself here within and as breath – and as such make decisions from within and as a starting point of what is practical – and not from within and as a starting point of desire or want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it’s obviously not in anyway practical or relevant to who I am, to make decisions according to how I feel about points, simply because it doesn’t matter in terms of my physical existence and experience of myself – because what matters – what is relevant – is my physical existence and world – is what is here and what I am able to touch and cross-reference and make sure for myself is in-fact what it is; and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change my way of looking at this world and the various opportunities within it – from feeling to instead looking at what is practical – relevant on a physical basis

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a want, from within and as stating within me that I don’t have that particular thing, I miss that thing and apparently need that thing to complete and fulfill me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead make a decision from within and as a starting point of what is practical – what is relevant – where I see that a position in the system would be effective for me to go into; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here – and accept and allow myself to push myself to work with what is real – and not work with what is here from a starting point of feelings and emotions as experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am in-fact making completely irrational decisions when I accept and allow myself to move and direct myself from within and as a starting point of feeling and experience, instead of looking at what is here – looking at what is a physical actual reality – and thus moving myself from the research that I’ve made and that I can cross-reference with another to be accurate and effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself from within and as a starting point of want, and desire – as feeling that I need and must have a particular outcome in my world else I will somehow not be fulfilled and I will be missing out – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am in-fact limiting myself extensively through holding unto this particular idea of how I must move myself in my reality – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the decision to move myself practically here – to realize that the dreams, fantasies and imaginations that come up in my mind – they are in-fact no relevant as they do not show me a proper and relevant picture of reality and thus are not reliable in terms of utilizing these as sources upon which I base my decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that regardless of what career-path I decide to walk, the point that will remain the same is who I am here – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that a particular career path doesn’t define who I am, doesn’t create who I am, doesn’t make me – it’s simply something that I do at the time-being in order to ensure that I have a sufficient amount of money at my disposal so that I am able to walk my process internally and externally and bring forth and create a money system that is best for all – wherein I won’t anymore have to hunt for money but where money will be here at my disposal and I such can utilize my time to things that are more important and relevant than hunting for my survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that all career-paths in the system are in someway limited, and that regardless of what path I choose, none will be completely fulfilling and effective, because that is not how the current system is structured; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger, frustration and despair at the fact that I will have to in a way “lock myself into” a particular position in the system to make money to survive – instead of realizing that this is nothing to react towards – it’s simply how the system currently functions – and thus in order to walk my process this is what I must align myself with and direct as myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a reaction when I stand before a point, as a career-path, wherein I realize that in order to walk this career-path I must dedicate and put down massive amounts of time, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as fear and anxiety towards the point of loosing my time, loosing out on my life, and loosing out on my self-interest as my freedom to do what I desire and want in my life, at any time when I want; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath – bring myself back here – and see, realize and understand that in order to become a part of this system – I must embrace and walk in the system – for a moment – and that this is obviously nothing bad or wrong, it’s simply what it is – and thus I walk in the system while I at the same time make sure that I dedicate my other time to the point of creating a new system that will be best for all – so that I do not anymore have to spend so much time assuring my survival but that my survival will be a given

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I want to make a decision in regards to my future, in regards to career, and in regards to what I should do with my life, upon the basis of a want, or a fear – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that motivating and moving myself from this particular starting point as fear is obviously completely ineffective – because common sense dictates that a feeling or a fear can’t in anyway show me what is the best decision as it’s not based on a factual research; as such I commit myself to make decisions upon the basis of actual research as researching the actual physical points that are here – and not walk and move myself in accordance with how I feel

When and as I see, realize and understand that I am looking at a point from a starting point of a emotion, or feeling, such as wanting, desiring, or fearing – and I am about to make a decision – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that a decision can only be effective when it’s based on the REAL facts – as the facts that are proven – and that a imagination, a fantasy, or a dream, can’t be used to make an effective decision as these points are not real; as such I commit myself to take a breath and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body – and make decisions, move myself, and direct myself in my life, in accordance to proven facts, and not in accordance to how I feel and experience myself in relation to a particular point

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Day 25: Test-anxiety – My Plan is Falling Apart! (Part 14)

Today I got up to study as I usually do around eight a o’clock in the morning – and each day I sit until about four, five, and sometimes six o’clock at the night – it’s around that time when I am able to feel that – “study time is now over”.

I tend to be strict with myself in keeping these times – and in my head I’ve this plan set up – that I go up in the morning, I study for this many hours, and then I am free to go and do something else. Today something came up that in a moment broke my plan – and suddenly I required changing my plans, and spending time to move, and direct some other points that unexpectedly had emerged.

stress-management-techniqueWhen this happened I went into a state of fear – that was my first reaction – and I had a thought come up: “I will loose several hours of study time!” – and after that thought came some images, and imaginations of how I saw myself fail at the exam – not being able to answer a single question because I didn’t study for those two extra hours.

After that initial reaction of fear came a reaction of anger, and frustration – wherein I began to blame my external reality as not being reliable, and trustworthy – and not giving me space to concentrate, and do my things.

I found both these reactions to be fascinating, as they show a lot to me about myself – and how I exist within myself in relation to my studies without even noticing. Firstly – what I am able to see in relation to the fear reaction is that the event in itself didn’t cause the fear, as the fear was already here and existent in my way to approach my studies, and in the way I think about my studies – and in a way I am able to see that they way I think about my studies, and the way I approach my studies is a mechanism that I utilize in order to suppress fear.

The origin fear is then to fail with my studies, and to become a miserable average (to not win) – and also fearing that I will become disappointed with myself and feel that I didn’t give enough, and walk sufficiently – and exert sufficient amount of effort to succeed in my studies – and this is fears that I suppress through studying for long hours. Though, it’s not about me studying for long hours really – it’s about WHO I AM within studying for long hours – and the presence within which I am studying – and that presence I will call out, and name as the hectic-stress-presence – wherein there is a specific tinge of intensity, and fast-paced-movement in my physical body movements – and as to describe it literally – I’d say it’s like I am struggling to reach the finish line, and win – and get there (where really?) before everyone else – and as such I am in a fight, and struggle against time – and time is my great nemesis that I am trying to defeat so that I won’t end up loosing.

Thus – it’s not strange that when suddenly my plan had to be changed – and I’d to abandon this struggle with time, and in essence give up my struggle, and competition against time – I went into fear – and then I went into blame thinking that another had caused me to loose against time.

Within this I see that it’s not about slowing down as to how fast I move – and it’s not about studying for less hours – it’s about changing my expression within all of this to be stable, and consistent – so that I am in a war against time – but that I am simply moving myself effectively here in every moment of breath – being HERE – stable in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to struggle, and fight against time – and within this exist in a constant state of fear, and nervous of missing out on time – and loosing time – and not having enough time – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand – that in existing in this state of fear of loosing time – what I am creating for myself is lack of time – which makes sense – because when I exist and walk in fear – I am not here in time in actuality – but I am in my mind – not being here – and walking with space and time – one and equal – as breathing one breath in, and then one breath out – and then repeating the process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to win over time – and to believe that if I fight sufficiently, and if I struggle enough, and if I dedicate my life towards this fight, and struggle, as trying to defeat, and conquer time – that I will then be able to win – and save time – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that – it’s not about saving time – because that is impossible – it’s about walking one and equal with time and space here – standing in every moment here – as one breath – as one moment in time – in every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a character of stress, and fear when I study – and I am able to see this character in motion through me constantly looking at the clock, and taking my time so to speak – looking at how much, or how little time I have left – and looking at how fast, or how slow I’ll have to move myself in order to save my time – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand – that in a way – this fight against time can only exist when I have expectations on myself as to what I am able to do in the time I have at my disposal – and as such I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to not have any expectations upon myself – and to within this walk, and stand within and as oneness and equality with time – as simply walking here – and doing that which I am able to do and have time to do in this breath here that is at my disposal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the character of fast-paced-stress-movement – wherein I am not moving fast as a physical expression of me – but I am moving fast as stress – as fearing to loose time – as fearing for my survival – as fearing that unless I move myself in this stress, and fear – then I will loose time and this might as such cause me not to survive – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted, and allowed myself to BREATH – and to let go of this fear of survival – in seeing that in seeking to survive – I am not living – because I am seeking for something out there – and trying to keep it – instead of having it here in every breath as me living here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it habitual pattern to make study-sessions be really uncomfortable, worrisome, and arduous – simply because I will push myself, and challenge myself – beyond my limitations – but in a forceful and harmful way – because I exist in this stress-character – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself chill-out – to breath and smell the roses – and to realize that I don’t have to utilize and live this stress character in order to get things done – and in order to care for and take care of my responsibilities here – I mean – it’s something that I am able to do in a breath here – calmly – and easily – with and as my human physical body – in the stability of physical expression here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I am not able to do everything that I’ve created in my expectations that I should be able to do with my time – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding – that I have planned to much – and that I’ve expectations of myself that haven’t been in alignment with actual time – and actual physical movement here – which then obviously is a problem – because I become in conflict with the actual physical – and go into fear – instead of realizing that I only have one breath in every moment – and I am only able to do as much as I am able to do in this one breath here

When and as I see that I go into the stressful character – wherein I am fighting for my survival – fighting against time – fighting to get as much done as possible to secure my money, and my survival – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t need this character – and this experience to be able to care for myself in this life – and make sure that I remain stable financially in this life – as all that I need, and require is me as self-movement directing myself in every breath – thus I commit myself to BREATH – and to let go – and to make my moment of studying to be pleasurable – and fun – reading my books – taking the time that I require, and need – and not judge myself if I don’t happen to read everything, or I miss some points

I commit myself to not anymore fight against time, and to not anymore try to save time – and make sure that I don’t loose time – but I instead remain with myself here IN TIME in fact – walking with and as time as each breath here – being fully aware here – then I don’t require to save time – because I live within and as the actual movement of time here

When and as I see I go into worrisome thoughts of me thinking that I am loosing time, and that I am not utilizing time effectively, and that I am not going to become as successful in this world because I am not able to handle time as effectively as I want to do – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – time is only lost when I am not HERE – because when I am not here I am in my mind in my mind there is no time – it’s timeless – simply because there is no reference, and no relationship existent in the mind to this physical reality and the movement of it – which is time; as such I commit myself to get myself out of my mind and back into the physical – seeing that being aware and fully here in a breath – that is me living time – and within doing that I am not able to loose time

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