Tag Archives: inferior

Day 401: A Dramatic Unfolding of Events

Lately I have been walking through a fascinating point with regards to the emotional experience of betrayal. Before this, I did not consider myself a particularly sensitive, dramatic or emotional person, however, while this might be so in certain contexts, I definitely still have points to work with in other contexts.

This particular point opened up when I invited a friend to come and stay with me over the weekend. We agreed on a date, though, shortly before he was supposed to come over, my friend cancelled and told me that he had other responsibilities to tend to and could not make it. My initial reaction was that of worry/fear, believing that there was something wrong with me that had caused my friend to cancel. Then followed a reaction of feeling betrayed by my friend, because I felt as if he had promised me that he would meet up, and now broken that promise, and that feeling of betrayal in turn became resentment and anger.

Now, when this happened within me, I was pretty much taken by surprise, because I usually do not react like this. Though, on the other hand, I seldom invite anyone over, and I have not ever been a person to naturally ‘put myself out there’ when it comes to friends and relationships – hence the entire situation was a little bit out of character as to my part within it. Regardless, the final stage of this chain of reactions within me was blame, and while in this state of blame, my mind fervently began looking for ways through which I could take my revenge. These plots usually contained some way in which I rejected my friend and ‘made him feel what I had felt’.

Obviously, I could see clearly the insanity of what was going on inside of me, and I think the reason for this is because I am on average not very emotional. I am instead, most often, levelheaded and stable – and I do not accept and allow myself to use the relationships I have in my life to wind me up emotionally. I started looking at this point that I was walking through – I began applying self-forgiveness – and I could see, realize and understand a few underlying themes within me that were creating this experience.

Firstly, I could see that in relationships, especially those of friendships, I am still holding unto a sense of inferiority – where I feel that I am fortunate and lucky to be able to spend time with the other person, and secretly, deep within me, feel that I do not really deserve it. This belief then creates a tendency within me to compromise and change myself with others to make sure that they like me and that I retain the friendship. Seeing this, I realized that one important point that I will have to change is HOW I approach relationships. I cannot accept and allow a inequality within me, in the sense that I am either less, or more, than the other person, and that I hence have to fight, or that the other person have to fight, to retain the connection. In order for me to be stable in relationships, the approach must be one of equality, where I share myself, naturally, as who I am with another, and also realizing that whether the connection leads to a deeper connection or not, that is not something that I can control.

Secondly, I could see, realize and understand that in order to grow and expand when it comes to relationships in my life, I have to be the one that takes the initiative, and invite, communicate, push to share and give of myself, and at times, that will not be reciprocated, and other times it will. However, what is important to remember is that I cannot accept and allow MY expression within it all to change depending on whether my approaches are reciprocated or not – it must be something that I do from within and as a starting point of self-trust, self-love and self-worth – and where it hence does not matter how others will respond.

Thirdly, I could see that what this entire situation has shown me, is that I still have a lot of work to be done on my self-image and self-value – and hence I have pushed myself to be grateful for the various patterns that have opened up within and through this event – and utilized this way of approaching my reactions to let go of blame and resentment. Because I know that it is never about others, it is always about myself, and my relationship with myself.


Learn more about this way of living

Day 357: Money and Dis-empowerment

After listening to the Eqafe Interviews Power Play With Money and Freeing Your Mind From Money, in which it was suggested to write about money and its relationship to the emotion of dis-empowered, I have decided to do just that.

Money, either we have it, or we do not. And when we have it, the world is our oyster, and when we do not, there is nothing we are able to do, as everything in this world requires money. This is a polarity in itself, where money either gives us opportunities, or completely removes them. Hence, it is not strange that the lack of money is linked to the emotion of dis-empowerment, because without money, we are dis-empowered to realize our desires, dreams and hopes.

However, the way I see it, the lack of money is but part of the problem. Because as important as the negative polarity is to look at, let us not forget, that when we do have a lot of money, this is accompanied with feelings of great joy and feeling empowered to take on the world, and do whatever it is that we want to do. We have thus separated ourselves from the word empowered and dis-empowered and we have defined these words in relationship to money. And that is obviously a problem, because how can we ever stand stable, consistent, and directive within our lives, if our underlying strength comes from money. The moment money is gone, then so will our strength, fortitude, and momentum.

It is not unusual that people commit suicide due to financial losses and maybe the reason for that is what I mentioned above. When the money leaves our world, so does our will to live, our directive principle, our desire to move, motivate, create and expand – and the only option we seem to have would be to commit suicide. Though, obviously, this is experience is artificial. It is not natural or sane to base our character, our deepest convictions, and reason for living, on the abundance or lack of money. And hence, if we really want to stand and make the most of ourselves, this is a point that must be changed. We must make sure that we are not controlled by money, but that money is a tool that we use and nothing more.

If we base ourselves, our life, on that which is not dependent on the fluctuations and changes of the world system – then we will empower ourselves to stand through the worst, and be stable in facing the best. Jesus put it nicely when he said:

“Everyone therefore who hears these words of mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man, who built his house on a rock. The rain came down, the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat on that house; and it didn’t fall, for it was founded on the rock. Everyone who hears these words of mine, and doesn’t do them will be like a foolish man, who built his house on the sand. The rain came down, the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat on that house; and it fell—and great was its fall.”

— Matthew 7:24–27, World English Bible

This shows that when we create and define our character, not by measuring ourselves in relation the ideals of the world system, but instead by our own, inner commitment, devotion and steadfastness, and by living/creating/standing by our own self-created purpose and direction, then having less or no money will not be experienced as an emotion of dis-empowerment – as we will instead look for solutions and how to best handle the upcoming situation. Hence, our life will be built on a rock. Because we are only dis-empowered when we accept and allow ourselves to be dis-empowered – as long as we are HERE – we have a varying range of things we can do to direct our lives the way we want them to be – that is not dependent on money – unless obviously – we make it so.


Learn more about this way of living:

Day 356: Creating Time, or Chasing Time

There is time, and then there is the perception of time. Usually, the latter will be emotionally charged in some way – for example – with stress. Problems arise when we define our relationship with time through the perception of time, instead of seeing time exactly for what it is. Recently, I have started to look into and challenge my own perception of time – and I have seen a couple of interesting things.

First point: When I am on my way to work, or when I am at work as well, sometimes I get an urge to listen to some music, read a little bit in a newspaper, chat with a colleague, or do something that is not ‘productive’ in the sense that it does not relate to my work responsibilities. In such moments, I have noticed how I put myself off, through reasoning with myself that I do not have enough time. For example, I will not take up my phone and listen to music, because I think that the process of grabbing my phone, plugging in my headphones, and finding a song, will take too much time. Or, I will not stop to chat with a colleague, because I believe that I am then wasting my time, missing moments that I could have applied to get things done in my work. Hence, I will not give myself that small moment of pleasure and believe that I am through being strict with myself in this way save a lot of time.

Second point: My workload can be divided into two categories. Either it is work that have been planned since some time back, that I am able to foresee, or it is work that comes at a moments notice, that must take priority and get done before any of the planned work. Obviously, the unplanned parts of my work then ripples into the planned parts of my work, and disrupts the latter. Each time this happens, I have become tense, stressed, and anxious, that I will now not have enough time to complete the planned parts of my work. The thought comes up within that I do not have enough time! What I have done to solve this point is to start cutting corners, and obviously that is not supportive.

Now, here the turnaround. Lately I have begun to experiment with changing my relationship to time. To for example, give myself a moment to talk with my colleague, or listen to that song, or enjoy and push myself to walk through the unplanned parts of my work with diligence and detail. I have realized an interesting through doing this: TIME is usually not an issue! Yes, it is fascinating. I have found that usually, even though I give myself these moments, there will be sufficient with time for me left to get done what is needed to get done.

This goes to show two points: Firstly, we cannot trust our perception of time – that is to say our emotional relationship to time – because that is not a clear relationship and does not give us a true representation of time. Secondly, we actually use our time more effectively, and we are more productive, when we are not constantly chasing time, trying to save time, and make sure that we have the time that we need. Because if we do that, we will create imbalance, and that will in turn lead to us not being as focused, and as deeply committed and present to what we are doing HERE as we would be otherwise.

Thus, in giving ourselves time to ‘smell the roses’ of life – we are actually supporting ourselves to be a lot more effective in our day to day living – really – when we GIVE ourselves time – suddenly we have MORE time – is not that interesting? And when we chase time, we feel as if we have less time. It is all about perspective, where we can either approach our reality with a lack-perspective, and thus also create that lack – or we can approach our reality with a clear starting point where we USE our time to CREATE and GIVE ourselves and others moments of SUPPORT, ASSISTANCE and ENJOYMENT.

I find it very fascinating to see how the creation process of our daily living is so connected with WHO WE ARE on a beingness level.


Learn more about this way of living:

Day 324: Did I Do Something Wrong?

In this blog I am going work on the following mind pattern: Some days ago I faced a situation in which I thought that I was given a spare part to my tractor by a friend of mine. However, my friend clarified that he was not giving me the part but expected to get money in return. In that moment I felt embarrassed, and vulnerable, and thought to myself that I should have known! How could I have expected him to give me this part! Throughout the rest of that day I returned to this moment in my mind, and each time, what came up within me was this experience of embarrassment, ridicule, and feeling stupid. Several times I thought that my friend must think that I am an ass, that expected to get this part for free.

I am going to look at this pattern through asking myself four questions: How am I? What am I? Why am I? Who am I? – and through these questions walk the mind-pattern, and define a practical solution for myself that I can apply real-time.

How am I?
In the situation that I described above I felt nervous, tense, inferior, and vulnerable. I believed that the people around me thought badly of me, that they did not like me, and that they saw flaws in me. I was worried they were going to spot a weakness and use that to their advantage, speak about me behind my back. I judged myself because I did not have a casual and relaxed approach to my friend wanting money for the spare part.

What am I?
In the situation, I am not expressing myself to my fullest potential, rather I am standing as an example of a reaction, of holding back, and not accepting and allowing myself to live fully.

Why am I?
I am here on this earth to learn about myself, to see, understand and correct my patterns, and hence, this situation is an excellent opportunity for me to expand me insight and self-knowledge. I am here to live fully, and hence, I see, realize and understand, that this small moment, and my reaction within it, is insignificant in the large picture, and thus not something that I should make a big deal out of within myself.

Who am I?
To correct this pattern, I am to live self-acceptance and light-heartedness – allowing myself to NOT take things to seriously – allowing myself to not be right – to do something that is seen as socially unacceptable or bad – and still – accept and LOVE myself. Thus – the solution is to stand unconditional in my self-love – and to live that practically through STOPPING the judgments – and instead SMILING at the point – and accepting and allowing myself to let it go through relaxing myself with my body – relaxing my muscles and bringing myself back here.

Self-forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be too serious about how I am perceived by others, and judge myself when and as I perceive that others have created a negative judgment about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value what others think of me, and define myself according to how I believe others see me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not love myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a demand unto myself – that I am to be calm, stable and relaxed when it comes to money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people that I have perceived to be greedy or misers when it comes to money – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will judge me the same way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be judged as a miser

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving the impression that I am a miser – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over-compensate through being generous to the extent where I am compromising myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to have a good impression of me and like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to love me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek comfort, acceptance and value in others – and not trust myself – and stand by myself regardless of what might play out in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand by myself – but abandon myself when I perceive that others are against me – and then fight with myself – instead of accepting myself – and loving myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as flawed and inferior – and thus seek others approval in the belief that this will raise my value – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not love myself unconditionally – and understand that my value is constant HERE – that nobody outside of me can determine my value – because my value is HERE as me by the fact that I am here within and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for approval in others instead of approving myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace that I have a problem with money when it comes to giving and receiving – and that this is not something to judge – but instead something to understand – so that I can correct the point and develop a common sense – equal and one relationship with money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace my problems – the things I have to work on within myself – and understand that they are not bad – but simply weak spots that I require to understand and correct – and hence I commit myself to LOVE myself unconditionally – through NOT judging my weak points

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself judging myself, because I have reacted towards either giving, or receiving money, in fear, I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I do have problems with money – and this has got nothing to do with others – and the reactions I perceive they have towards this point is not relevant – what is important is that I understand my issue and move myself to direct – for myself – and thus I commit myself to UNDERSTAND my problem with money – to FOCUS on MYSELF – and to approach my issue within unconditional self-acceptance

I commit myself to be curious about my issues and investigate them unconditionally – to not judge – instead LEARN and UNDERSTAND

I commit myself to replace judgment with curiosity and interest towards learning more about myself and the issues I have – in this case with money


Learn more about this way of living:

Day 258: Creating Movement – Part 4: Learning To Handle Resistance

In my past blogs in the Creating Movement Series I have gone into my own history with laziness, and also looked at some of the causes behind this particular mind construct. In this blog I will start to go through the practical solutions that I applied to walk through and direct laziness, and transform it into motivation, discipline and steadfastness. From my own experience, in order to change laziness, one of the most important points to get to grips with, and become comfortable with directing is resistance – because when you decide to change laziness into something more productive – you will face resistance and lots of it.

The usual and learned response to resistance is to simply back off – if we resist something it means bad news, discomfort, and pain. This is unfortunate, because as a matter of fact, any form of change is nearly always accompanied with resistance. In-fact this resistance can be seen in nature, as a natural law, when a object is in motion, and you try to stop it, and move it in another direction, you will experience that physical force fighting with you, until you stop it, and then move it in the direction that you want it. All motion has a force to it, and when we try to change it, there will be a period of discomfort – the same goes with changing laziness into motivation, self-discipline, and steadfastness.

Thus, the first point to master is resistance. And in the beginning of my process of changing laziness I experienced immense amounts of resistance the moment I stood before an opportunity to act, or I faced a responsibility that I had to tend to. There was not a single cell in my body that wanted to move forward, and with each step that I took, my body felt heavier, and heavier. It felt as if the only right thing to do was to go back to the sofa or bed, to simply not change this laziness, because the thought emerged: How can I ever push through this resistance, how can I ever become effective, and productive, when this heavy experience is following me with every step that I take?

Resistance however, even though it might feel intolerable, and create the illusion that it is impossible to go any further, will pass; it will lessen, and eventually disappear. This is due to the nature of resistance, because in essence resistance is energy – and no energy has a substance and solidity that can be compared with that of the human physical body. Thus physical self-directed movement will always come out on top of the resistance, though to reach that transcendence – you will have to walk through the moment when it feels impossible. The fascinating thing is that when you push through that experience of ‘it is impossible – I can not go on any more!’ – you will see that it is only a thought, only a illusion conjured by the mind, and that it is in-fact possible to move forward, to move ahead, even though it feels impossible.

So, when the resistance comes up, it helps a lot to have this understanding, that eventually the resistance will settle, and then you will be able to do what you set out to do without any experience hindering your progress. It is so fascinating to look back at my past, and see how much it was that I resisted: I resisted cleaning, resisted writing, resisted school, resisted reading, resisted exercise, resisted being social, etc. Today, there is none, or very slight resistance towards these things – why? Because I consistently pushed myself through the resistance, I consistently reprogrammed myself, and decided for myself that resistance is not going to hold me back – I will push through it when it comes up – and thus resistance lost its meaning and purpose – there is no room for resistance anymore because I have replaced it with words/expressions that are beneficial for myself, and others – such as motivation, self-discipline, and steadfastness.

As such – we are all able to push through resistance. Though, it does take practice, and I myself have fallen many times, given up, given in, went to bed, slept over, because I felt overpowered by the resistance. And here is another thing to remember, that it does not help to be hard on yourself when you fall, rather, stand up again, look at why the fall occurred – and move forward. Eventually you will not fall anymore, though there is a process to be walked until one is able to get to that point where the trust exists within self that each time resistance comes up – I will push through.

In my next blog I will walk through the Practical Solutions that I have found for handling and directing resistance.

Creating Movement – Part 1: Introduction
Creating Movement – Part 2: How laziness is created – external causes
Creating Movement – Part 3: How Laziness is Created – Internal Causes
Creating Movement – Part 4: Learning To Handle Resistance
Creating Movement – Part 5: Practical Solutions for Resistance
Creating Movement – Part 6: Baby Steps To Change
Creating Movement – Part 7: The Rewards

Day 221: Giving Life To What We Do

As I’m now reaching the end of my law-studies, I’ve begun considering what to do next, where to place myself in the system, where to go, and who to be. In doing this I have walked what can be called a process of getting to know myself, because in order to answer the questions I have been asking myself, I had to see as well as understand myself and who I am – my strengths, my weaknesses, my inclinations and aversions.

Though I have experienced conflict with this decision, and this has had to do with whether I should venture into the business side of law, or the humanitarian side of law. My initial decision, and also the area in which I chose specialize myself during my education was contract and procedural law. This decision though have slowly been uprooted and lately I have been questionsng whether this direction is really ‘me’ so to speak. The reason being that I do enjoy the humanitarian and societal side of law a lot more, this aspect of the judicial system fascinates me. I also have talent for analyzing and reflecting on the daily human interactions in society, and I’m captivated by seeing and understanding the various social undercurrents of our world system.

Thus I’ve been questioning why I decided to give up on this side of law so early, and instead head into the business side. And I see that the reason behind this is MONEY – though – it’s not ACTUALLY about money in itself, rather it’s about the FEAR of not having money. Because without investigating the point clearly, I’ve assumed that there is no money in the humanitarian side of law, and that I must head into the arena of business. Mostly this is a decision I’ve come to through looking at what direction my classmates where going into, and most of them made the decision early on the head into business.

I am able to see that I have in a way lost myself through giving to much attention to what my classmates where doing, or rather, I hadn’t ever actually established myself and MY DIRECTION. WHERE it is that I wish to go and WHY? Thus I have now decided to reevaluate my starting point towards where I’m to place myself in the industry of law – and enquire into where and how it is that I can place myself in the system so that I can make an effective impact in this world, and where it is that I can grow the most as a being and living person. Thus – even though money plays an important role in our lives, it’s as important to make sure that we don’t become these wandering zombies – that only live to survive – but that we have a clear purpose with what we’re doing and ourselves. Because without that life becomes empty and incomplete – because SELF isn’t here actually directing, living, motivating and creating – as fear have instead taken the driver seat.

So, with this I don’t want to say that we should always go with what we ENJOY to do, because at all times, practical reality must be priority – which means that our ability to cover our expenses must be directed. Nevertheless when that point is covered, our focus should shift into creating something more of our ourselves and our lives – and here the point that I see is important is that if we have the ability to do so, we select a profession and a direction in life that we’re passionate about – OR – that we FIND and CREATE such passion towards what we are walking. That we do the research and find ways to contribute to life, society and other people through our expression in our profession – so that our daily living isn’t about just surviving. Meaning – that we instead give life and purpose to what we do – because nothing will do that for us – WE must instead be the directive principle that breath LIFE into our work, profession and other responsibilities in the system – that’s the simplicity of the point.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not gift myself the courage to recognize myself, where I see I will be effective in this life, where I see that I can place myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in a way lose myself through looking at what others are, or aren’t doing – and comparing my potential future with the potential future of others – and believe that my future must resemble and be just like the future of another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that regardless of the position I place myself within, the one point that remains the same is that I must gift life into my position and placement, that I must breath life and create my living and that nothing and no one will do that for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I must gift life to myself and my choice of work – that I must establish a passion for life and create with myself and my living something that is beneficial and supportive and that gives life – and thus create my purpose and not accept and allow my life to merely be for the sake of survival – but to instead clearly establish within myself a directive as to where I am going and why – and make the directive within the principle of oneness and equality as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I must accept and allow myself to trust myself when making the decision as to where I am to place myself – that after I’ve looked through the information, looked at myself, and established WHO I AM in relation to the point – then I must accept and allow myself to trust myself – to move forward and create myself in life – and in this I can’t wait for trust to come – I must decide to trust myself and then move ahead and create my life and purpose in relation to the point – to bring in life, passion and care into what I am doing – and to see how I’m able to re-design the point to be a gift that I give to myself as well as others that support life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that regardless of where I will place myself in this world, the thing that is going to remain the same is that I will be the breath of life that either drives, or demotivates the particular point – that I will either be the point that create and moves forward – or the point that will make the work or placement I’m within feel constricted, limited and boring – because I am creating it to be that way – instead of looking at gifts and opportunities that I can take and then learn from and create from – and build life from within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that through deciding on doing business law – not giving humanitarian law a change at all – I actually limited myself and my life – and I made a decision where I didn’t look at where I would grow the most – where I would fit and be effective – and where I would enjoy myself – and thus I made a decision as to where I am going to place myself on the basis of comparing myself with what others are doing – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not listen to myself, get to know myself, to see where in-fact I’d like to place myself, to review myself, reflect and ask myself the difficult questions – and then answer them – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that only making decisions on the basis of money is not effective – because an effective decision must consider ALL aspects and dimensions of a point – and here money is but ONE and not ALL

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give upon myself in terms of creating a life for myself within the category of humanitarian law – thinking that such a prospect will not work effectively for me – and that I will not be able to attain a sufficient amount of money directing myself in such an area of expertise – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’ve limited myself before even looking any further, or making more extensive investigations into the point – and that I’ve just assumed a direction – and moved within a particular trajectory just because everyone else was doing it – instead of me seeing and finding myself – and me considering who I am – where I’d be effective – where I’d actually enjoy my work and my profession – and towards what I do have a genuine passion that I can expand upon and use a support when I move myself to become more specific and effective in what I’m doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not keep my eyes open, and not unnecessarily close any doors on myself, believing that I have to go into a particular direction in life, just because others are doing that – and also to believe – that because I’ve selected upon a particular direction, then I must always go in that direction, and that there is no room or opportunity for me to change, and move a different way, and in a different direction – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in fear when making decisions as to where I’m to place myself in the future – to limit myself in fear through fearing that I’ll have to stick my decision for the rest of my life – and that it will be wrong – and that I’ll have to pay for that mistake forever – instead of me trusting myself and my stability here – my groundedness – and that I bring life and my stability into what I do – instead of expecting what I do to bring life into me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that my life and reality, and that my profession, and my direction in life is going to bring me passion and zest for life – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I can’t expect what I do to make me alive – and rather I must make what I do come alive – that I must be the point of creation that takes responsibility and brings something to life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it really doesn’t matter where I am, or what I do – because what matters is WHO I AM within and as what I am doing – and whether I’m actually giving myself the point – or whether I’m holding back and accepting and allowing myself to wait for the point to give itself to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hesitant towards and fearful of committing and giving myself to a certain point – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my direction in life to come to me, to want my future and my decisions to already be created, to already be set out and clearly defined – so that I just have to walk into my future – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect and want things to just be there for me – and to believe that what I do is going to complete me – instead of realizing that it will be me completing myself through me accepting and allowing myself to give myself unconditionally what I am doing and walking

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I’m expecting my future to unfold, expecting my profession, my work, and my direction to give me life, and that a creation will just unfold before me – I stop – I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I will have to give life to what I do – that I will have to bring purpose, meaning and substance into my profession, my work and my direction – that it will be ME and my decision to gift life that will make all the difference – and thus I commit myself to gift life into what I do – to give myself to my responsibilities, commitments, my profession and direction – to commit myself and really give as I’d like to receive

I commit myself to stop waiting for a direction or profession in my life to give me enjoyment, and to give me purpose and a trajectory – and thus I commit myself to gift this to myself – to see, realize and understand that regardless of where I stand in life – regardless of position – regardless of environment – it’s my responsibility to see the gifts, to see the potentials and to take these – enhance them and create with them something that will be a support for all of life – and all of existence and for myself

Day 159: Up For Review

Today I am going work with a reaction I had in relation to the following situation: I had turned in an assignment for review with my boss and was hopeful as well as anxious about the results – when I got it back I became disappointed because there were some mistakes that I felt was unnecessary – and I also felt that I’d failed my boss and that I should’ve done better – along with this also came up some fears in relation to employment and becoming seen as less valuable on the job market and therefore not being able to sustain myself with money in this world.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I turn something in to my boss, or turn an assignment in at my school, or interact in some way with the system wherein I do something that will at a later stage be evaluated and given a mark, to in that hope, and desire that my product will be accepted by the person receiving it, and that I will receive praise, and approval

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with others about getting the most approval for something that I’ve turned in, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my self-value, and self-worth in relation to whether or whether not I am approved, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad, and feel disappointed, and miserable when and as I don’t receive the approval that I hoped that I would

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define whether I am satisfied with my application in regards to a point, or not, on the basis of whether I am approved or not approved, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dependent upon another saying to me that what I am doing is good, for me to trust myself to walk that point, and apply myself, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for approval and positive stimuli before I move myself and act – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait with trusting myself and relying upon myself before someone says to me that I am approved and that what I’ve done is good

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire that my efforts at my work and in my school are to be recognized and that I am to be deemed a resource and not a liability – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define for myself whether I am satisfied with me and my efforts on the basis of whether I receive approval for what I’ve done or not – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my efforts and my work, and studies to be about getting approval, instead of me producing a point that I am satisfied with and that I know is an expression of myself – that I’ve put the necessary attention and detail into for it to be a cool product

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to will myself to make a product perfect in fear that I won’t be approved, instead of pushing myself to make a product perfect because it’s something that I want to do for myself, that I want to make sure because I enjoy to push points in my world to perfection and not accept and allow myself to produce points that are less than what I am a capable of – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not will myself, and push myself to at my work, and with my studies, participate from a starting point of – I am doing this for and as me – as an expression of me – and not to receive approval or praise from another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt, and worthless when and as I receive feedback on a product that I produced and it’s revealed that I’ve made some mistakes, and that the product isn’t as effective as was expected, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my stability, and groundedness in relation to work, upon whether I am approved or not, and whether the work I do receives praise or not, instead of founding my stability and groundedness within and as each and every breath I take here – wherein I am not influenced or affected by whether another likes, or dislikes what I’ve produced – I simply take it as feedback and push myself to be more specific and detailed in my work – as an expression of myself – wherein I won’t accept and allow anything that is less than my full potential

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into a state of stress and hastiness at work, or in relation to my school work, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I commit myself to breathe and practice moving myself naturally with and as my human physical body in the pace of the physical – and focus on producing the most effective work that I am capable of – not because I want to be recognized – but because it’s an expression of an as myself – and the work that I produce is thus myself

I commit myself to stop defining myself according to the feedback I receive from others in relation to my work, and my school work, and instead push myself to become the best I can be in relation to the work I produce as an expression of myself – wherein I do it as a commitment that I make to myself to be the best that I can be in this life and live to my fullest potential

Day 155: Fitting In

Today I faced a point in my world in regards to desire I’ve created within myself to fit in and be liked, and the context was the following: So, there is a person A in my world – now – I’ve noticed that person A seem to like some other persons more than what he likes me. When I’ve noticed this, I have come up within me, a reaction of sadness, despair, as well as blame, because apparently its persons A fault that I feel the way I feel, because he should like me equally as much as he likes these other persons.

Looking at the point in common sense, it’s obviously very ineffective to walk around in life, wanting to be liked by people, and also, defining myself according to whether I perceive myself as being liked, or disliked by others, because it creates the consequences, that I am like a bouncer – where I either bounce upwards, because I believe someone likes me, or I crash down, because I believe someone dislikes me – making me ineffective at that which is important in my life = caring and tending to my commitments and responsibilities, and walking my self-process, where the focus is me and who I am, and not on what others do or don’t do. Further, its impossible to make sure that anyone likes me, and thus its nonsensical to accept and allow my self-experience to be dependent upon such a uncertain and insubstantial point – much better that I instead remain the same – remain stable regard less of whether I am liked or disliked.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to whether I perceive that another dislike, or like me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad, and experience despair, and inferiority, when and as I perceive that another person in my life doesn’t like me, or likes me less than what he or she likes another – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the point of whether I am liked or disliked, of whether I have friends or I don’t have friends, of whether I am involved in a group or I am not involved in a group, instead of pushing myself to remain stable regardless of whether someone likes or dislikes me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want harmonious relationships in my life, where I am certain that everybody likes me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise, suppress and change myself around others, to make sure that they like me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a irrational fear of being disliked, and excommunicated from a group, in believing that my value is dependent upon whether I am invited and received by another as a friend, and as a positive point in another human beings life and world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I suspect that another dislikes me, to immediately go into and as sadness, and despair, and believe that another dislikes me, because there is something wrong with me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the natural, and normal state of things, should be that everyone likes me, that everyone experience me as a positive, and upbeat life force in their world, and that they want to have me around them, because they feel happy around me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my value, and worth around the point of whether others are happy around me or not – instead of defining my value according to who I am, according to my self-application, and according to my own decision as to who I am in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for not liking me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that another is pulling me down in a emotional turmoil, because he, or she doesn’t like me, or appreciate me sufficiently, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that its not in-fact about the other, but its about my relationship with myself, and that this other person assists and supports me to reveal, and expose a certain dimension of my relationship with myself that I haven’t yet looked at and investigated specifically and effectively – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of the blame, and instead be grateful that this other person assists and supports me in revealing certain self-compromising dimensions that exists within me that I haven’t yet dealt with and directed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think in my mind that my relationship with another is destroyed, and isn’t working, because the other person seemingly doesn’t like me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my relationship with another isn’t defined according to how another experience themselves, but is something that I define and create within myself, as I decide who I am, and as I decide what I will accept and allow, and what I will not accept and allow within me towards another – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my focus be upon how this person experience himself, instead of looking at how I exist within and as myself, and what I am able to do to bring this point into and as a solution for myself – and let go of my reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my reactions with thinking that we simply don’t fit together, that we simply don’t agree with one another, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how in-fact, this is a self-compromise, that its not about the other person, but that its about what I accept and allow, and what I will not accept and allow within me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not define the context of this relationship, and place myself towards this other person specifically, in defining the purpose and direction of the relationship, and as such making sure that I know who I am in relation to the other point so that there exists no conflict within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I meet new people, to define and specifically direct the relationship within me, to specify what the relationship is, and who I am towards the relationship, why the relationship is in my world, and thus how I am in relationship to that particular person – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself go into conflict within myself, because I want all the relationships in my world to be that of friendships, of feeling pleasurable, and nice, and me within that feeling liked, instead of realizing that there are other forms of relationships in this world that doesn’t have this context, and where I require to align myself to the point from within and as a starting point that is in alignment with why the relationship exists in my world to begin with

Self-commitments

I commit myself to align my relationship to person A to be in relation to the context as to why the relationship is in my world, and to not expect, or want anything more out of it, than what the relationship is on a physical level – and thus I commit myself to let go of any hopes, and expectations of being liked, or loved, and instead keep it professional, and direct it according to what I see is best for the both of us in relation to where we are in our life’s

I commit myself to breathe through the reactions of despair, inferiority, and sadness, and instead align myself with my human physical body, and make the relationship with person A supportive in relation to the context as to why we have each-other in our worlds – and why we’ve meet – and as such not try to make something that it isn’t – or hope that it should be something different than what it is – I remain with what real – and what is here

Day 149: New Environment – Who Should I Be?

I have started a new job this summer – and its been interesting to get into and experience a new environment, particularly because its been triggering many latent mind-points which I’ve not paid attention to before.

The one primary experience that I’ve had while starting and working at this new job is that of fear and insecurity – I basically feel awkward with new people, and I am quite sure it has something to do with the experience I have, that I don’t really know my place so to speak – I don’t know who I should be in relation to others, what is acceptable to say, and what isn’t? How is it acceptable to act and behave and what ways aren’t?

On top of this I also feel a desire to achieve and impress my new colleagues as well as my boss. I want to show that I am an asset, that I am good at what I am doing, and that I am no loser, that is but deadweight on the organization. The consequence of this is that I can’t be myself, and I find myself going into fear of asking questions, or discussing points in relation to work, because I worry about how they are going to interpret and see me, and all of this leads to self-compromise, and that I do not learn, integrate and take in as much of the environment, the work, and my responsibilities within that as possible – something that I would’ve been able to do far more effectively if I’d been stable, breathing and silent – moving here with my body and integrating without any mental expectations and ideas in regards to what it is that I am doing.

Thus, todays blog I will dedicate to walking self-forgiveness on this point, and I will also write out self-commitment statements that I can live at work in order to support myself to stabilize, so that I can enjoy and be effective at my work.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear that I will not please others, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t appear perfect, and effective, and good at what I am doing at my work, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as inferiority, and feeling less than, because I believe that I require to be something more than myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and hide myself while I am at work, in believing that there is something wrong with the natural expression of me, and that I as such require to put it away far back into my mind, and present a more clean, and likable façade outwards, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that its an idea that I have, that apparently, my natural expression is dirty, and bad, and should be suppressed, not seeing, realizing and understanding that there is obviously nothing wrong with my natural, flowing, me-expression, but that its simply a expression, a natural physical movement, that isn’t wrong, or bad, but simply natural – and within this natural movement of myself I can interact and walk my responsibilities equally effectively, if not more effectively than what I could existing in a state of mind as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being less than others, and then believe that I require to present a picture perfect façade of being confident, strong, and decisive to others, thinking that unless I do this, there is something wrong with me, and there is something I am not doing as I should, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am within holding unto this idea in-fact limiting myself, and holding myself back from being effective at work, because its obvious that when I let go of my character of fear, I can instead focus upon what is real, what is here, and what is of actual importance and relevance, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take breath and let this character go as it comes up, and instead be here, relaxed, at ease, and comfortable with my human physical body, and simply express myself naturally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am something which I am not in the hope to be recognized and approved by others, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be recognized, and approved by others, in the belief that this will stabilize me and my world, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that only I can stabilize my own world, and that this must be done through my own decision, and movement, and that I can’t be given this by someone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to get recognition, and get approval from others, in the belief that this is something they are able to give to me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that at the end of the day, I am only able to give to myself recognition and approval, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, to let go of this drive within to have others like me, and appreciate me, and instead give myself the gift of liking and appreciating myself, and realizing that this is sufficient, and that I do not need anyone else, or anyone more to like, and appreciate, and consider, and be nice to me – I can do this for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am interacting with someone in a conversation, or in some other way, to then have it as my starting point that I am inferior and must get up to the same level as them, through making sure that they like me, so in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not approach situations and moments as an equal, to not approach people in my world as an equal, seeing, realizing and understand that in the flesh – we are in-fact equal – and that its only the processes of the mind that creates the illusion that there is some form of hierarchy that separates us – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus on bringing myself back to my body – back to my physical breath – back to my physical stability – and participate from within and as a starting point of equality and oneness – from within and as breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as anxiety, fear, worry and concern that I will not produce sufficient results for others to take a liking in me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to like me because of the results I produce, and want them to be nice to me, so that I won’t feel isolated, or left out, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move, and motivate myself from within and as a fear, and anxiety of being left out and isolated, instead of approaching each situation, and each moment, as a equal, as a equal individual that is here in the flesh and that is thus neither more neither less

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I go into fear, anxiety or inferiority towards others, and I am starting to look for some way in which I can impress others or get them to like me, I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that I am through living out this character compromising myself, and that all that is required for me to change this, is a shift in my awareness, a shift back into my physical, and as such I commit myself to bring myself back here – and practice interacting, talking, being with, and working with others as a physical equal and one human physical being – that is not mind-driven – but rather driven through and as a purely physical motivation

When and as I see that I am going into fear of talking with others, or expressing myself with others, because I perceive another to be in a higher hierarchy in comparison to me, and thus worth more than me, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that I am in-fact compromising myself through going into this fear, and that there is another way to live, where I can express as an equal, and be in the system, but not of the system – and as such I commit myself to practice in the physical approach moments, and situations as an equal – through breathing in and out – and relaxing my physical bodyletting go of tensions – and then expressing myself naturally and comfortable – without inhibitions or worries as to how others interpret or see me

Day 119: Filthy Weaknesses

weaknessWeaknesses – looking at my own current definition of weaknesses I see them as being something that is wrong and that should and must be fought, pinned down and destroyed. This approach of mine to the point of weaknesses is something that I have recently begun to take note of, and I have seen that it pretty much comes through in most dimensions and aspects of my life, living and process. I tend to zone in on what I perceive to be a weakness, judge the weakness, and then vehemently fight the weakness – which is a form of suppression because no actual self-change is taking place – obviously because I am to busy fighting that which I perceive to be a weakness within me.

This point opened today in regards to me becoming nervous, as I had to perform in the art of public speaking. What I saw is that I immediately as this nervousness came up within me, I judged it to be a weakness, and in that I began to fight it – I didn’t want it to be in me because apparently I should be past that point, I should be stable, and I should be able to comfortably and calmly do public speaking. When I noticed I couldn’t win the fight towards this nervousness, I instead went into a state of a more passive, failure and self-judgment mode – perceiving myself as a failure because I couldn’t stop remove this apparent weakness and speak the way I wanted to speak.

Thus – I am able to see that this relationship that I have created to the point of weaknesses isn’t assisting and supporting me, because fact is that I never go to the point of developing my weaknesses into strengths – I instead stop at that point of fighting the weakness, and feeling like a failure because I have that particular weakness – when I could instead utilize those moments to assist and support myself to transform the weakness into a strength and build myself to become more effective in my application.

Really, the entire idea within me that weaknesses are bad is thus off the mark – because weaknesses are merely weaknesses, they are nothing more and they are nothing less – and a weakness is mostly a point that can be corrected and directed into and as a strength – and a strength is neither more or less – it is merely a strength – something that I am good at and that I can do effectively and effortlessly.

To be effective in actually supporting myself to stand up and direct my weak spots I require to recognize them, understand them and allow myself to accept that they are here and that they won’t go away through my trying to fight them off – instead I will have to change them as myself – and this can not be done through a process of judgment – but must be done through a process of understanding – understanding how I have created the weakness, exactly how I have become this weakness – because in that I can correct myself to step out of the weakness and make it a strength.

Thus, today I am going to walk a self-forgiveness process in relation to my definition of the word weakness.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight weaknesses and define weaknesses as shameful and embarrassing, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my time judging, fighting and resisting my weakness instead of practically assisting and supporting myself to transcend and walk through my weakness, and develop my weaknesses into strengths

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that weaknesses are something that I should hide from myself and from others, because they are shameful and inherently bad, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I notice that I have weaknesses, instead of practically assisting and supporting myself to transcend and walk through them, judge them, fight them, and resist them, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is not a effective way of dealing with weaknesses, because common sense dictates that what I resist persist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I see a weakness in my application it doesn’t mean that I am failure, and that I have done something bad, it merely means that there is a weakness in my application, and that it’s as such an opportunity for me to develop this weakness into and as a strength – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the opportunity of self-expansion that weaknesses presents to me – and that I could really change my relationship to weaknesses and have fun changing them – experimenting with them – designing solutions and working with how I am able to support myself to stand up and walk the weakness into and as a strength

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can’t change weaknesses and that the best I can do is to fight them, resist them, and suppress them, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the opportunity to be unconditional with myself, and to intimately explore all my flaws and mishaps – and in this place myself into a position wherein I am able to expand myself – because I know myself – I see what I am doing – and within that I see the solution as to how I am able to redesign myself and develop my weaknesses into and as strengths

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an expectation upon myself that I should be without weaknesses – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a state of conflict and resistance when I notice a weakness within me – and not want to recognize this weakness – but instead attempt and try to fight it off – and get it away from me so that I can be strong again – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is not an effective way to deal with weaknesses – because the reason there is a weakness is because I have not defined for myself an effective practical living – which is something that I am able to design with the use of words – and that I can investigate how I can assist and support myself to stand up and stabilize myself and walk myself from weakness into and as strengths

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that I am to be without weaknesses – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is a unrealistic expectation, because it is quite obvious that I will have weaknesses due to how I have lived my life, wherein I have never actually paid attention to, and supported myself in corrected weak spots in my application, as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of this expectation that I should be strong, that I shouldn’t have any flaws, that I shouldn’t have any weak spots, so that I can get to know myself unconditionally, and from thereon assist and support myself to stand up and develop my weaknesses into and as strengths

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others that I perceive to not have the weakness that I possess, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having that particular weakness – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I can’t compare myself with another – because I have not lived the life of another – I have not walked the processes of another – and thus it’s a point of ignorance to judge myself for not being effective in points that I perceive others to be effective within – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to accept myself unconditionally – and accept and allow myself to recognize my weak spots – and within this accept and allow myself to unconditionally work with these weak spots and develop them into and as strengths

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I should be effective at everything that I am doing, and if I happen to have a weakness, and something that I am bad at, to think and believe that this is some form of mistake that shouldn’t be there, and that I must eradicate this mistake, fight it and resist it, and make sure that I ban it from my world – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle in my approach to myself when I work with my weak spots – and in this making it enjoyable and fun to work with and develop my weaknesses into and as strengths

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to except that my weaknesses will go away when I judge them – and when I am hard on myself and complain within myself that I have a particular weakness – and within this I forgive myself that I that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is not a solution – because in complaining, judging, and being hard on myself, I am not actually assisting and supporting myself to find a solution, and to define for myself a way that I can practically walk this particular weakness into and as a strength – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work with practically assisting and supporting myself to walk weak spots into and as points of strength – and doing this in a gentle manner wherein I am unconditionally accepting myself as I currently exist – and then I walk from this starting point – accepting and allowing myself to make the process of changing a weakness a point of self-exploration, self-enjoyment, and having fun with myself – wherein I am able to experiment with various different ways as to how I can practically support myself to change the particular weakness into and as a strength

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am judging, resisting, and fighting a weakness that I see within myself, and in this attempt and try to suppress this weakness, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here to and as my human physical body, and I see, realize and understand that weaknesses aren’t anything bad or wrong, it’s merely points that I require to assist and support myself within and as, and that I am able to have fun changing, and directing; as such I commit myself to formulate practical solutions for myself to develop my weaknesses into and as strengths – and have fun and enjoy myself in the process of redesigning myself

When and as I see that I am being hard on myself for having a weakness, and I perceive that I am a failure, and inferior to others, due to this weakness, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that a weakness is a weakness, nothing more or less, I am thus not a failure, I am thus not less than, I am thus not worthless – I simply require to change this weakness which I am able to have fun doing – as such I commit myself to assist and support myself to unconditionally uncover and explore my weak spots and from there formulate practical solutions so that I am able to change and redirect my weaknesses into and as strengths

Enhanced by Zemanta