Tag Archives: insecure

Day 324: Did I Do Something Wrong?

In this blog I am going work on the following mind pattern: Some days ago I faced a situation in which I thought that I was given a spare part to my tractor by a friend of mine. However, my friend clarified that he was not giving me the part but expected to get money in return. In that moment I felt embarrassed, and vulnerable, and thought to myself that I should have known! How could I have expected him to give me this part! Throughout the rest of that day I returned to this moment in my mind, and each time, what came up within me was this experience of embarrassment, ridicule, and feeling stupid. Several times I thought that my friend must think that I am an ass, that expected to get this part for free.

I am going to look at this pattern through asking myself four questions: How am I? What am I? Why am I? Who am I? – and through these questions walk the mind-pattern, and define a practical solution for myself that I can apply real-time.

How am I?
In the situation that I described above I felt nervous, tense, inferior, and vulnerable. I believed that the people around me thought badly of me, that they did not like me, and that they saw flaws in me. I was worried they were going to spot a weakness and use that to their advantage, speak about me behind my back. I judged myself because I did not have a casual and relaxed approach to my friend wanting money for the spare part.

What am I?
In the situation, I am not expressing myself to my fullest potential, rather I am standing as an example of a reaction, of holding back, and not accepting and allowing myself to live fully.

Why am I?
I am here on this earth to learn about myself, to see, understand and correct my patterns, and hence, this situation is an excellent opportunity for me to expand me insight and self-knowledge. I am here to live fully, and hence, I see, realize and understand, that this small moment, and my reaction within it, is insignificant in the large picture, and thus not something that I should make a big deal out of within myself.

Who am I?
To correct this pattern, I am to live self-acceptance and light-heartedness – allowing myself to NOT take things to seriously – allowing myself to not be right – to do something that is seen as socially unacceptable or bad – and still – accept and LOVE myself. Thus – the solution is to stand unconditional in my self-love – and to live that practically through STOPPING the judgments – and instead SMILING at the point – and accepting and allowing myself to let it go through relaxing myself with my body – relaxing my muscles and bringing myself back here.

Self-forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be too serious about how I am perceived by others, and judge myself when and as I perceive that others have created a negative judgment about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value what others think of me, and define myself according to how I believe others see me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not love myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a demand unto myself – that I am to be calm, stable and relaxed when it comes to money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people that I have perceived to be greedy or misers when it comes to money – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will judge me the same way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be judged as a miser

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving the impression that I am a miser – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over-compensate through being generous to the extent where I am compromising myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to have a good impression of me and like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to love me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek comfort, acceptance and value in others – and not trust myself – and stand by myself regardless of what might play out in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand by myself – but abandon myself when I perceive that others are against me – and then fight with myself – instead of accepting myself – and loving myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as flawed and inferior – and thus seek others approval in the belief that this will raise my value – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not love myself unconditionally – and understand that my value is constant HERE – that nobody outside of me can determine my value – because my value is HERE as me by the fact that I am here within and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for approval in others instead of approving myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace that I have a problem with money when it comes to giving and receiving – and that this is not something to judge – but instead something to understand – so that I can correct the point and develop a common sense – equal and one relationship with money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace my problems – the things I have to work on within myself – and understand that they are not bad – but simply weak spots that I require to understand and correct – and hence I commit myself to LOVE myself unconditionally – through NOT judging my weak points

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself judging myself, because I have reacted towards either giving, or receiving money, in fear, I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I do have problems with money – and this has got nothing to do with others – and the reactions I perceive they have towards this point is not relevant – what is important is that I understand my issue and move myself to direct – for myself – and thus I commit myself to UNDERSTAND my problem with money – to FOCUS on MYSELF – and to approach my issue within unconditional self-acceptance

I commit myself to be curious about my issues and investigate them unconditionally – to not judge – instead LEARN and UNDERSTAND

I commit myself to replace judgment with curiosity and interest towards learning more about myself and the issues I have – in this case with money


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Day 211: An Unknown Variable

In my world there has come up some points which I see that I’ve no direct control or influence over – and primarily they are related to someone having to do or finish something, before I’m able to take action and do my part. This has caused some conflict within me – and the reactions I’ve had towards these events have been anxiety and blame.

Now, the anxiety has come up, because when I perceive that someone else have control or direction over a particular point, then apparently I’m powerless in taking direction in my own life, and I’ve to wait, sit back and hope that the point gets sorted out. That then is something I perceive as a threat against my security, and survival in this world – because I’m out of control – no power and no direction.

Then the part of this reaction that is blame has come up because I see the other individual as being responsible for this state of anxiety and unsettledness that I go into – it’s apparently their fault that I can’t effectively plan my life, and move myself in the direction that I see is effective. Obviously, this is me trying to escape the prospect of taking responsibility for myself and my reactions – because the fact that some areas of my life might difficult to foresee doesn’t in itself imply that I must react in a state of anxiety – that is a pattern I’ve accepted and allowed within me and has nothing to do with the situation that I am facing.

Thus – what I see I require working with is this urge of having control and knowing where I am going in life – knowing what’s going to happen – what are my goals – and what my future will entail. And this relates to a blog I wrote recently on me standing as the fountain of life – and creating my life HERE from the starting point of me expressing and sharing WHO I AM here in every moment of breath. Because that is something diametrically different than trying to have a complete vision and picture of where I am going, what I am going to do, where I am going to contribute, and how I am going to live – standing as the fountain of life implies that I trust myself to create my life in real time – that I trust myself that as I walk my purpose and my process – my life will unfold and the points that I require to deal with will open up naturally.

Though, trusting that something will ‘just open up’ is not something that I’m at this stage comfortable with – I rather force something open just to be sure that it will open up – but this is not an effective way to go about living. Because when I force myself through life, I actually miss important points, opportunities, situations, and points – as I am far too busy ‘knowing’ where I am going – than actually living and being receptive to my environment and what is happening around me.

The trust in myself that my life will open up as I move is what I require to establish within me – because this will allow me to actually live – instead of just pretending to live attempting to reach an abstract goal somewhere in the future – that is apparently more valuable and worthwhile than life here.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that as I move and walk through my life – points will naturally open up and become visible for me to see – so that I can direct them – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a pattern of attempting and trying to force points into creation – to force change and movement into existence – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that when I force something I am not walking with life – with breath – and with the physical – which will have the consequence of me missing what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious and worried when I don’t have absolute control over my future and the events that will unfold – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must have a total control and direction over the points in my life and their process of creation – and that if I don’t have that – I will not be able to effectively create and build my life as I see that I require and need to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate not knowing what is going to come with worry and anxiety – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use worry and anxiety as coping mechanisms to handle uncertainty and the unknown – instead of accepting and allowing myself to trust myself as the fountain of life – and walk into the future within and as breath – to realize that the future is here and is something that I create in every moment of living and applying myself – and moving myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts, and backchat of anxiety and worry when there is a situation in my life that I can’t control – and that I can’t know the outcome of – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s the situations fault that I don’t feel secure, safe, and comfortable in me – and think that I require to force to situation to move the way I desire and want it to – for me to yet again feel safe – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force life – to force points into creation instead of walking with creation – and trusting myself that points will develop and expand as I develop and expand and move myself in my daily living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I attempt and try to force points – I’m in-fact moving points further away – and I’m causing conflict because instead of taking all points into account and moving myself with the physical – with breath – with what is here – I’m moving myself within and as anxiety, stress, and worry – and I’m making myself tense and unable to see what is before me – unable to remain objective and sensible – because I just want to fix the situation so that I can relax – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can give myself that point of relaxation unconditionally – that I can give myself that point of remaining stable and steadfast – without having to force the situation to go into the direction that I desire

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the solution to changing my experience of worry and anxiety is to force the situation to change – is to enforce my ideas of what needs to happen for me to relax and let go – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed within and as a state of trying to change my practical situation to suit my ideas instead of looking inwards at what I am accepting and allowing – and realizing that I myself require to change – because it’s my relationship with myself within that is creating this entire experience that I am having – that I am then trying to resolve through forcing a change in my external environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a enforcer in trying to rid myself of worry and anxiety – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the effective way and means of releasing patterns of stress, worry and anxiety – is not through enforcing a change in my practical reality – but is through changing myself – and standing in a state of being unconditional and facing myself world within and as stability and common sense – and directing points rather than enforcing my view of things must be and become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when this worry and anxiety comes up – stop – stabilize myself – breathe deeply in and out – and then state the word that I am calm – I am stable – and stand as these words with and as my human physical body – and thus change my relationship to my external reality – wherein I stand stable and steadfast within me – and I do not accept and allow myself to become a victim of emotions – that then lead me to enforce my way of seeing things – but I stand with my physical and direct points within and as common sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the solutions to my inner experience is to change my external reality – that it’s to enforce my way of viewing things and attain a control of my world – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is merely a coping mechanism – wherein I am trying to suppress my initial discomfort through gaining control and power over my outside world – not realizing that I am in this not dealing with the actual core issue – and the real problem – which is my relationship with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I am faced with a situation where I don’t have control – to breathe and stabilize myself in my physical body – to trust myself that as I walk I will direct myself and my life – and trust myself to stand as the fountain of life and have my expression in every moment be the creative force and motivation of my world – and that I thus do not accept and allow myself to enforce change in my external world to feel more comfortable and safe

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am trying to enforce a change, and redirect my physical environment for me to feel more safe, and secure – I immediately stop, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that the problem is not my environment but my relationship with and towards myself – my relationship with life and the unknown – where I’ve accepted myself as inferior and used this enforcer character to feel in control – thus I commit myself to breathe and to look within – and deal with the reaction that resides there – and make sure that I am clear, stable and sound before I act and move myself

When and as I react in fear, and anxiety because there is a variable in my world that I don’t have full control and direction over – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this variable is not what causes worry and anxiety within me – it’s not what makes me feel uncomfortable – rather what causes this experience is my relationship with myself – and thus I commit myself to take charge of myself through looking in – and dealing with – facing the experience that is coming up within me – and not blame and project this point unto what is going on in my physical direct reality

When and as I see that I am blaming a situation, or individual, because I think that they are causing anxiety and worry in me – because I can’t control the outcome of that particular point, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that what causes my experience is not the individual or the situation – and that thus they are not to blame – they are not to be focused upon – rather the focus must be placed here with myself – so that I can walk my life – and correct these experiences – and walk into the unknown and still be stable and certain in me – and direct me through the challenges that might arise

Day 155: Fitting In

Today I faced a point in my world in regards to desire I’ve created within myself to fit in and be liked, and the context was the following: So, there is a person A in my world – now – I’ve noticed that person A seem to like some other persons more than what he likes me. When I’ve noticed this, I have come up within me, a reaction of sadness, despair, as well as blame, because apparently its persons A fault that I feel the way I feel, because he should like me equally as much as he likes these other persons.

Looking at the point in common sense, it’s obviously very ineffective to walk around in life, wanting to be liked by people, and also, defining myself according to whether I perceive myself as being liked, or disliked by others, because it creates the consequences, that I am like a bouncer – where I either bounce upwards, because I believe someone likes me, or I crash down, because I believe someone dislikes me – making me ineffective at that which is important in my life = caring and tending to my commitments and responsibilities, and walking my self-process, where the focus is me and who I am, and not on what others do or don’t do. Further, its impossible to make sure that anyone likes me, and thus its nonsensical to accept and allow my self-experience to be dependent upon such a uncertain and insubstantial point – much better that I instead remain the same – remain stable regard less of whether I am liked or disliked.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to whether I perceive that another dislike, or like me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad, and experience despair, and inferiority, when and as I perceive that another person in my life doesn’t like me, or likes me less than what he or she likes another – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the point of whether I am liked or disliked, of whether I have friends or I don’t have friends, of whether I am involved in a group or I am not involved in a group, instead of pushing myself to remain stable regardless of whether someone likes or dislikes me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want harmonious relationships in my life, where I am certain that everybody likes me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise, suppress and change myself around others, to make sure that they like me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a irrational fear of being disliked, and excommunicated from a group, in believing that my value is dependent upon whether I am invited and received by another as a friend, and as a positive point in another human beings life and world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I suspect that another dislikes me, to immediately go into and as sadness, and despair, and believe that another dislikes me, because there is something wrong with me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the natural, and normal state of things, should be that everyone likes me, that everyone experience me as a positive, and upbeat life force in their world, and that they want to have me around them, because they feel happy around me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my value, and worth around the point of whether others are happy around me or not – instead of defining my value according to who I am, according to my self-application, and according to my own decision as to who I am in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for not liking me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that another is pulling me down in a emotional turmoil, because he, or she doesn’t like me, or appreciate me sufficiently, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that its not in-fact about the other, but its about my relationship with myself, and that this other person assists and supports me to reveal, and expose a certain dimension of my relationship with myself that I haven’t yet looked at and investigated specifically and effectively – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of the blame, and instead be grateful that this other person assists and supports me in revealing certain self-compromising dimensions that exists within me that I haven’t yet dealt with and directed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think in my mind that my relationship with another is destroyed, and isn’t working, because the other person seemingly doesn’t like me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my relationship with another isn’t defined according to how another experience themselves, but is something that I define and create within myself, as I decide who I am, and as I decide what I will accept and allow, and what I will not accept and allow within me towards another – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my focus be upon how this person experience himself, instead of looking at how I exist within and as myself, and what I am able to do to bring this point into and as a solution for myself – and let go of my reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my reactions with thinking that we simply don’t fit together, that we simply don’t agree with one another, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how in-fact, this is a self-compromise, that its not about the other person, but that its about what I accept and allow, and what I will not accept and allow within me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not define the context of this relationship, and place myself towards this other person specifically, in defining the purpose and direction of the relationship, and as such making sure that I know who I am in relation to the other point so that there exists no conflict within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I meet new people, to define and specifically direct the relationship within me, to specify what the relationship is, and who I am towards the relationship, why the relationship is in my world, and thus how I am in relationship to that particular person – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself go into conflict within myself, because I want all the relationships in my world to be that of friendships, of feeling pleasurable, and nice, and me within that feeling liked, instead of realizing that there are other forms of relationships in this world that doesn’t have this context, and where I require to align myself to the point from within and as a starting point that is in alignment with why the relationship exists in my world to begin with

Self-commitments

I commit myself to align my relationship to person A to be in relation to the context as to why the relationship is in my world, and to not expect, or want anything more out of it, than what the relationship is on a physical level – and thus I commit myself to let go of any hopes, and expectations of being liked, or loved, and instead keep it professional, and direct it according to what I see is best for the both of us in relation to where we are in our life’s

I commit myself to breathe through the reactions of despair, inferiority, and sadness, and instead align myself with my human physical body, and make the relationship with person A supportive in relation to the context as to why we have each-other in our worlds – and why we’ve meet – and as such not try to make something that it isn’t – or hope that it should be something different than what it is – I remain with what real – and what is here