Tag Archives: insecurity

Day 444: Insecurity = Not Seeing Me

Some week ago I received praise from a colleague as to my ability to handle certain tasks at work. I became moved and felt very happy and also surprised, because I did not see myself the same way my colleague did. Later, I reflected on the event, and I have come to see how these reactions of happiness and surprise, actually indicates a deep seated insecurity.

I look at it the following way. If I would have been secure within myself, if I had recognized my weaknesses and strengths, and known what I was capable of, would I then have reacted the way that I did? The way I see insecurity is that it has a lot to do with undermining, devaluing and diminishing myself, and hence because of this, missing/not seeing WHO I AM. Thus, when someone else comes into my life, and tells me that I am really good at something, I get thrown off my feet with gratefulness and satisfaction. The real question though is why I have not accepted and allowed myself to give these expressions/words to myself – why wait for someone else to do it for me?

In Sweden we have a mentality called the “tall poppy syndrome” – which means that if you do acquire skill/status/money or similar above the average, it is seen as bad and socially unacceptable to speak about it and recognize it. This mentality pervades in the Swedish society. It is thus interesting that, many rich people in Sweden, live as if they had an average income. This mentality obviously becomes a problem in the sense that excellence and success many times, at least silently, is shunned and repressed – and if someone does reach excellence – he or she will not speak about it. However, suppressing stories of success actually depraves everyone of the opportunity to grow and learn through the example of another.

From what I can see, I have internalized this tall poppy syndrome because fact is that I am very good at my work, I am thorough, I am self-reliant and assertive in handling my responsibilities – though – I have not recognized this for myself. And obviously, this tendency of mine, to not see and evaluate myself, and give me credit when credit is due, also has the consequence that I am not as open to seeing and recognizing my weaknesses. Because, what is the point of changing a weakness into a strength if I do not recognize it for myself? Then it is better to keep everything average, takes less effort.

Another consequence of me not recognizing what I am good at, my successes and achievements, is that I do not want to recognize such in others as either. Instead, when another achieves, grows and expands, I become jealous, and feel bereft. And then I want to bring another down to the level of average, in the belief, that this is what I am, and that I cannot become more. Though, what is missed is that I can obviously learn and become inspired by the successes of another. And the expansion of the life of one person is not only of value to that particular individual, as we live in a interconnected reality – and hence – when one of us becomes better – this will ripple into the lives of everyone else as well.

Thus, insecurity, it is when I do not give myself credit where credit is due, because I believe that I am not worthy/respectable/good enough to do it for myself. And then I instead wait and hope for others to do it. I strive and fight to achieve some form of recognition, all because I did not give it to myself. A solution that I see for myself when I receive positive feedback, is that instead of going into a feeling of happiness, pride and joy, to instead look at the feedback objectively – to bring it within me and then see if I agree with this feedback – and if I do – to then recognize my ability/skill/success for and as myself.

And then, I can expand this point even more, by then looking at how I can improve/move/further/strengthen my point of success even more. Because why accept myself to be satisfied with being really good at something, when I can most likely, become even better at it? And further – to also push myself to recognize my weaknesses, and actively practice changing these weaknesses into strengths. That is how I can start recognizing myself instead of needing others to do it for me.


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Day 440: Changing Insecurity Into Security

This week I have looked at the word insecurity and how it plays a part in my life. Initially, I did not consider insecurity as a major influence in my day-to-day living, however, I have noticed that insecurity takes on many shapes and forms.

One point that I had not seen as insecurity before is my tendency to desire positive feedback from superiors and older colleagues, and to have someone who I perceive to be higher up in the hierarchy give me direction. Without the affirmation, I tend to doubt myself, and without someone that I perceive to be higher up than me, I tend to change my decisions, because I become fearful and worried that I am not doing the right thing. Thus, for me, insecurity is connected with doing the RIGHT thing – and somehow I have concluded that I cannot be the one that decides that what I am doing is the right – I have to be approved.

Insecurity is limiting, and from what I am able to see, insecurity is in its essence about not not seeing myself as an equal individual, but instead trying to have others approve of me, and using the small bursts of energy that arise from such occasions to build up an illusion of security. Though, fact is, that when the support is removed, when the feedback becomes negative, when the superiors and those I have used to create the feeling security change how they look at me, then it all comes crashing down. Then, I experience fear and anxiety instead, that which I otherwise would try to hide by getting the approval.

However, insecurity does not only take the shape and form of following and relying on the judgments/opinions/ideas of others, it also comes through in stubbornness – in wanting to blow myself up and build up a facade, an illusion, to make myself and others believe that I am secure. This arise from the mistake of believing that being secure means that I always know what to do, have the solutions, and see the right way ahead. However, self-security is not necessarily about knowing what to do, or about taking the lead, or about always being certain and doing things my way. Rather, self-security is that deep and untouchable comfort and calm, stemming from knowing that regardless what comes my way, it will not change who I am, it will not change my base values and principles, it will not sweep my off my feet.

I see, that for myself, a priority when it comes to security and living this word, is to stop comparing myself to others, and stop believing that what I want/see needs to be confirmed/accepted from another for me to go through with it. I do not need the perceived added value and weight of anothers perception for me to make a decision and follow through with it. That is not to say however, that I must now know everything myself. It is important to be able to ask for perspectives and receive input, though, the decision as to what I am going to do must be my own. If I do not stand with my decision, then when the tide turns, I will fall back on it – because it was not real – it was not actually done for me.

Security thus, would be to, among other things, trust myself to make decisions for me and to not use others agreeing or disagreeing with me as a reason to make the decision, but to rather take their perspective/information/input and to assess it independently, and then make a decision for and as myself on the basis of my own reasoning.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others for me to make decisions, to rely on others to give me input, an opinion, a decision, so that I am able to lean upon them, instead of developing effective and self-independent reasoning skills, where the input and perspectives of others, are resources that I utilize in my own process of assessment and not reasons in themselves as to why I should or should not make a certain decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be concerned about the opinions of another, in the sense, of fearing that I will make a mistake and do something that will be considered, by another, as a bad/wrong/stupid/inadequate – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowing myself to base my sense of security on comparison – as to comparing myself with others – and if I find myself to be/do/live similar to what I believe others value positively – to then feel secure/safe/and on the right path

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that if I am to stand as my own chief and boss, as an entrepreneur, I require to change this point, and transform it into real security, real trust, real acceptance – where it is thus not about acquiring a life/way of living that I perceive to be right by comparison – but instead living a life for and as myself that I KNOW is an expression of and as myself – because I know myself – I have reasoned and concluded my own decisions – I know where I am going – and I know what I am going to do with and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that in order to make decisions that I can stand by consistently, long term, I have to make certain, that I do not base those decisions on a comparison, where I use the ideas/opinions/perceptions of another as my sole point of reason – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not developed and create my own reasoning abilities – to push myself to create self-independence within and as myself – where I am secure – in the sense that I am able to learn from and take from others what will support and empower me – however I make the decisions within me and do not accept and allow someone else to take that role within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow instead of being my own creator – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel more secure in following – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that following is always a point of dis-empowering myself – where I believe – that only because I do what another tells me to do – I am safe and on the right track – because I fear listening to and trusting myself – and fear developing my own reasoning abilities and making my own decisions – because that would imply that I am fully and wholly responsible for myself – my life – my consequences – my creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have someone make decisions for me, to want to have someone to follow, so that I do not need to be responsible for the decisions I make, for the direction that I take, for the consequences of my actions – but so that I always have someone to blame if things go wrong – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath – bring myself back here – and see, realize and understand – that it does not assist and support me to follow – and that even though I follow – I will still have to walk the consequences of my actions – because even though I convince myself otherwise – its still my actions

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself moving within myself to use another as a reason for me making a decision, where I rely upon another, without me assessing and looking at the point first, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this tendency of mine, to want to follow and use others as a reason, it dis-empowers me, and sets me off, spinning around, moving in directions that are not supportive, and eventually, I do not act or live the way that is best for me, because I follow, instead of direct – and thus I commit myself to DIRECT myself – and practice developing my own critical reasoning abilities – where I make decisions for and as myself – and assess the information received by others – not use it as my prime reason to move

When and as I see myself want to follow, rely upon, move myself because of the feedback of another, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that when I do, I create consequences for myself – I live in a way that is not supportive to me – and I make decisions that I later fall back on because I have not made/created them for me – AND – I miss out on actually LIVING and BUILDING my life for and as me – because I instead follow – and thus I commit myself to stop following and to starting living – to stop relying upon and instead develop my own point of movement and direction – where I make decision for and as me – though obviously – utilizing the perspectives and living of others as a inspiration and point of assistance and support


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Day 315: Missing Me In My Decisions

Today I had a listen to two interviews on Eqafe:

These two interviews are about points that we face when it comes to big decisions, such as deciding upon a career, where to live, or what relationship to go into. The primary experience that is discussed is the fear of making the wrong decision, where this experience comes from,  how, and why it is created.

I can now see that the one point holding me back from seeing with clarity is that I do not accept and allow myself to consider MYSELF in the decisions that I make. It is easy for me to make a decision, set a goal, and then will myself to achieve it, without asking myself, and looking within myself at what it is that I would actually want – or rather – what would be BEST for me? What would ENHANCE and EMPOWER me? What would make me BEST for and as myself?

For example, when it comes to looking at my future, I have not asked myself what direction would best fit my beingness, my way of expressing and sharing myself, and instead, I have looked at the practicalities, and the practicalities only. There is also my relationship with myself to consider, and this relationship is not based solely on what is practical, there is something more to it, and that more is WHO I AM as a being, how I genuinely express and experience my life.

I am grateful that I have been able to now see, and define from where this reaction of uncertainty arise, because it reveals a lot. I can see how this way of approaching life arise from inflexibility, ideals, ideas, and judgments towards myself, where I do not consider WHO I AM, but rather make a logical assessment in my mind of where I should go, and then start creating my life according to that. And possibly, this is also why I many times change my mind, because I am not FULLY here in what I am doing. I have not accepted and allowed myself to also look at MY relationship to the point, WHO I AM, in relationship to my life, my career, and other decisions that arise in my daily living.

There is a solution, and that is to when I look at future play-outs, and I notice the fear of making a wrong decision come up within me, that I then stop myself, take a breath, and ask myself: Who am I within this? Does this fit, enhance, support and develop me and my being? Is this where I want to go and where I see myself being and becoming the best that I can become?

Day 158: Social ineptness

So, today some fascinating points have come in relation to the point that I’ve opened up and committed myself to walk through to COMPLETION – the general point is that of social angst – yet this point contain many various dimensions, and a new dimension that I noticed today is in relation to a belief that I hold of myself – the belief that I am socially inept – that I am somehow worse than others at being social and that my natural expression is not sufficiently socially acceptable – and that I as such require to mold and emulate my expression to be more acceptable.

Some context: I was hanging out with some persons that are new in my world, and it was a fresh environment for me, so I didn’t really know how to place myself in it, and who I should be. As I observed myself interact in this new environment, and these new persons, I saw that what I held within me was this general experience of ‘I am less’ – and the consequential outflow of me holding unto this point of ‘I am less’ was that I didn’t express myself within the self-confidence, comfortableness, and ease that I know I am capable of – instead my expression was more held back, passive, and hesitating – not as I would express myself with for example, my family, or my partner, where I am much more at ease with myself.

Thus, why is it that I have this ‘I am less’ experience?

From what I am able to see, it’s actually a form of protection mechanism, because when I hold myself in this ‘I am less’-character – I don’t show myself, I don’t open up, and I am not really HERE – the logic here is that I am then ‘protected’ – though the part that doesn’t make sense is why I’d like to feel protected and in that sacrifice my natural expansive expression?

Really, the question must be asked, I am in-fact protecting myself from a realistic fear, or is it but an assumption that I’ve made, that if I accept and allow myself to step out of my protections, I will be ‘hurt’ and ‘attacked’? And is there really such a thing as being mentally hurt and attacked?

I’d say – NO – there isn’t – and accordingly this shyness character, this ‘I am less’-character is not something that is supportive for me – and thus I must further practice living myself out of this habitual suppression tactic and realize that it’s really nothing dangerous out there, and that there are lot’s of things to do, many people to get to know, and projects to walk, if I accept and allow myself to step out of my character of diminishment, and be myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am interacting with people, and placing myself in a new environment, and with people that I don’t yet have a long-term relationship, to take in the position of ‘I am less’ within myself, and go into a state and condition of being shy, passive, and held back, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto this state of being, through believing that when I am in this state of passivity I am protecting myself from harm, and accordingly I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself, and believe that there is some gigantic harm awaiting for me out there, if I’d accept and allow myself to step it up, and walk out of my shell, and practice self-confidence, self-trust, and self-authority, and be at ease and comfortable with myself regardless of situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with other people, with so-called strangers, I am required to put on a mask, and be more passive, and held-back, in the belief that apparently, with strangers, if I would express myself, I would become attacked, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this belief that ‘I will be attacked’ isn’t in anyway substantiated within me with facts, it’s but an experience, but a fear coming up within me, that I pay attention to and live according to, without having cross-referenced with physical reality whether or whether not this fear is actually real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, and accept myself as held back, shy and insecure, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that I require and must be stuck in this experience, and movement of myself as insecure, and shy, and believe that this is something I must just accept, and that there is nothing I am able to do about it, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself in moments when I notice I go into this shyness, and passive character, to say – NO – and practice, physically, practically living self-confidence, and living self-trust – through straightening my back, and looking people in the eye, and communicating with a clear and stable voice

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am with others, to participate within and as, and go into a fear that ‘they are talking behind my back’ and that ‘everything I do or say will be used against me’ – and ‘I don’t know what they are thinking about me’ – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a fear of how others are going to perceive and experience my expression, and fear that I am going to say or do something that will be termed socially inept, and accordingly I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry more about what others think about me, rather than me living and participating and moving myself as my human physical body, practically, physically, here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that others are to invite me into their life’s, and give me a sense and experience of ease and comfortableness, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for others to make me comfortable, instead of me pushing, and willing myself to be comfortable, to be at ease, and to trust myself and be confident, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that only I am able to give this point to myself, and as such I must practice this point, and one point relation to self-confidence that I see I must practice to walk out of this shyness character, is stopping blaming, judging and attacking myself when I am do a mistake – or when a social interaction doesn’t turn out ‘cool’ – because when I judge myself I make myself more self-conscious and less effective at simply being myself, and trusting myself here – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push and will myself to trust myself – and to love myself and live these words as myself through stopping judging and being hard on myself when I notice I make a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will immediately be able to step out of my shyness and ‘I am less’-character and that it will go without mistakes, and without effort – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it will be a effort to bring myself out of this particular character, and how it will be a process that will take time, application, and presumably, many mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept and allow myself to make mistakes, to test things out, and to apply corrections, and not be afraid or worried that they won’t work, and realize that if I fail, or make a mistake, I can simply re-consider and re-align the point, and bring the point into a correction with is effective and works for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the general crowd of people in my life thinks that I am strange and dislikes, and likes other people more than what they like me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as this fear and anxiety, the moment I say something, or share myself with another, that my words, and my expression, is going to cause within another a judgment, and a thought that: “I don’t like you” – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice and suppress my natural and easy-going expression as myself – in fear of what others think about me – in fear of how others feel about me – not seeing, realizing and understand that it’s obviously not cool for me to bind myself up in fear and justify this through thinking that I must have each and everyone like me

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into the shyness, and passiveness, and ‘I am less’-character, which I can see through me becoming held back, slouching my shoulders, and becoming hesitant in relation to whether I should speak or not, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I commit myself to live self-confident – and live this through straightening my back, breathing effectively and relaxing my physical body, accepting and allowing myself to caress myself within and as myself, and hold myself, and then move myself in the moment within and as self-trust – and confidence – as me being stable and living the fact that I am an equal with others – neither less – neither more

I commit myself to stop fearing that others are speaking behind my back, and that others are creating negative experiences in relation to me, and that they are creating resistances towards me – and accordingly I commit myself to trust myself, to stand by myself, and dare to live self-honesty, and have the courage of me being stable and expressive, and the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow, regardless of what another might or might not think about me – and I commit myself to live this correction through stating NO – I will not accept and allow these thoughts and emotions to overwhelm me – when and as I notice that this ‘what are others thinking of me ‘fear’ comes up within

The Greatest Presen(t)ce Anyone can Give to Themselves

About a month ago I moved to a new apartment – a two-room apartment. The plan was to move in together with my partner, as alone I do not hold the financial power to maintain a two-room apartment. Due to reasons unforeseen and unplanned the agreement, relationship, ended and as such I was now in a precarious situation in relation to paying my rent – or at least it felt like that.

So, I went into fear and anxiety, as I wondered and worried how I was going to keep myself afloat and maintain my financial position, and as such all the various points that go hand in hand with ones financial security in this world.

I had to find a solution, and that I did through deciding to take in a tenant, giving up one of my two rooms to be rented out. This was also a point that caused major anxiety and worry within me – as now I had to bring a unknown human-being into my home, exposing all of my possessions and the interior of my apartment to possible theft, or destruction. Several nights I lied in my bed and experienced the anxiety and worry as the thoughts, vividly showing ‘the end of the world’, ran rampant in my mind.

Though, in terms of my experience in relation to these points, there has been a major difference comparing myself now and myself from three years ago, at the time in which I still hadn’t found Desteni. The change lies in how I handled my experiences; because eventually I managed to stop all fear, anxiety and worry too instead live here as breath – something I would never have been able to do three years ago. Back then I would have become possessed with my fear, I would have checked out my bank account several times a day, to make sure I have enough money, probably never dared to let a tenant live with me and I wouldn’t been able to sleep as a child – even though my reality was unstable and uncertain.

Because through writing out my experiences, through looking at my thoughts in self-honesty – I managed to pinpoint the insecurities that created my experience. And through self-forgiveness in combination with breath, common sense and self-corrective actions I was able to delete my disease as fear – reprogramming myself with a new starting point, one of common sense and in alignment with the mathematical nature of reality.

This is the power of the tools of Desteni; self-forgiveness, self-honesty, breath, common sense and self-corrective action – applying these tools there is no situation to hectic, intense or overwhelming one can’t face and still direct oneself within stability, silence and clarity. Because our inner reality mustn’t be a slave to our outer, our experience of ourselves can become what we want it to be – as we end our automated reactive behavior with it’s origin in external stimulation. We are able to become the stimulator of ourselves and as such, remove all the experiences and behaviors that aren’t supporting our world or us to live effectively.

Because, would it have helped me to sort out the situation in my world if I had gone into fear and remained as fear? No, I wouldn’t have been able to make clear decisions, based upon mathematics, as the certainty of accumulation, that 1 + 1 will indeed become 2. Simply common sense to see that I require to get a job, I require to rent out my room, and within these realizations having no experience of fear, anxiety or worry – instead seeing the concrete, actual, physical reality and what is necessary for me to do in order to stabilize my world.

So, I used the tools of Desteni. I stopped my fear, worry and anxiety and I came back to the physical. I slept as a child and I gave myself direction; this is the simplicity and effectiveness of breath walking, a skill and ability that everyone is able to give themselves, the greatest presen(t)ce anyone is able to receive.

If you are interested in knowing more – check out www.desteni.co.za, www.equalmoney.org, and www.desteniiprocess.com

Thanks!