Tag Archives: instability

Day 299: Anxiety and Fear When I Am In The Center of Everyone’s Attention

Today a situation played out at work where I for a moment was in the center of everyone’s attention. This brought a emotion of feeling uncertainty, insecurity, and anxiety – because when I am in the center of attention – I have this tendency to think about how I am perceived and seen by others.

I have written about this point before, and also been able to change and direct this experience during a couple of instances, and now I fell, which was a bit disappointing to me. As the point was playing out, I did have a vague inner voice saying that I can correct my experience by placing my attention and focus on breath, and also apply self-forgiveness. However, that inner vague voice never materialized, as I did not act on it. And afterwards, I was sitting with this experience in myself; why did I not change, or direct this experience within me?

Hence, in this blog I am going to work with this experience further, and also clarify a couple of points to myself, and also for you, the reader as well. Firstly, what defines me is not the fall in itself, rather it is WHO I AM after the fall, and what actions I decide to walk to support myself to transcend and learn to direct the experience. Thus, in this case, I am sitting down to write out the experience, investigate it, learn from it, and eventually learn to direct it.

Secondly, I can either look at a fall as something to resent, OR, I can use a fall to my advantage – and utilize it to expand myself in my process of self-creation. This is what I am doing here through writing this blog, I am standing up within myself, saying to myself, that this experience and way of interacting with other people is not something that I wish to have as a part of my character – instead I want to be able to be in the center of attention and remain STABLE, CALM, SELF-DIRECTED, in SELF-CERTAINTY and SELF-CONFIDENCE, and be RELAXED and at EASE in my physical body. That is the vision I see for myself, and what I want to establish in my life when it comes to social interactions, and when it comes to being in the center of attention.

That being established, lets look at the specifics of this moment particular moment. I can see that the origin point, the underlying issue is in-fact self-judgment. This self-judgment is then projected unto others and takes shape in backchat such as; “What do others think about me?” – “What do others see in me?” – “Do others like me or not?” – and so forth. It also takes the shape of uncertainty, because in judging myself, I am trying to be something or someone that I hope can be accepted by another, and looking at it more deeply, actually accepted by myself.

I can see this judgment towards myself coming up when it comes to establishing relationships with others. Because, when it comes to for example, deciding to meet another, and that person does not immediately show up on time; I will have backchat come up that this person does not like me, that I have done something wrong, that I have not acted properly, that they have in some way decided to push me out of their lives because they are not content with me. Hence, this shows that on a deep level within me, I do not see or recognize my own value, I do not accept myself as being valuable. And that is why I feel so happy and positive when people seem to take a liking to me, because in my twisted self-image, I do no see myself as worthy of such a relationship.

What is the solution?

It is quite simple; practice self-acceptance and valuing myself – RECOGNIZING and SEEING the value in myself. Giving myself recognition for my strengths, skills, and abilities, and for the integrity that I have developed throughout this process. There is much more to me than I admit, a unassailable value that I have not allowed myself to embrace and stand with – as I have seen myself as flawed and imperfect. That is what must change.

So, a solution can be, that when I notice this anxiety, stress and uncertainty come up within me – that I state within myself my qualities for which I am genuinely proud – such as: Discipline, Integrity, Openness, Loyal, Curious, Investigative, Questioning, Expressive, Spontaneous, Specific, Focused, Detailed, and Structured – these are qualities that I see and recognize in myself and for which I value myself.

And thus – it is a matter of continuously stopping this self-abuse of focusing on my flaws and weaknesses, and also seeing my positive and strong sides. And then also, to accept my bad sides, to not try to hide or suppress the fact that I do have weaknesses, but to accept and embrace the entirety of me. Because suppression does not work, and real self-change cannot take place unless I allow myself to SEE what it is within me that is required to be changed and directed.

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The Greatest Presen(t)ce Anyone can Give to Themselves

About a month ago I moved to a new apartment – a two-room apartment. The plan was to move in together with my partner, as alone I do not hold the financial power to maintain a two-room apartment. Due to reasons unforeseen and unplanned the agreement, relationship, ended and as such I was now in a precarious situation in relation to paying my rent – or at least it felt like that.

So, I went into fear and anxiety, as I wondered and worried how I was going to keep myself afloat and maintain my financial position, and as such all the various points that go hand in hand with ones financial security in this world.

I had to find a solution, and that I did through deciding to take in a tenant, giving up one of my two rooms to be rented out. This was also a point that caused major anxiety and worry within me – as now I had to bring a unknown human-being into my home, exposing all of my possessions and the interior of my apartment to possible theft, or destruction. Several nights I lied in my bed and experienced the anxiety and worry as the thoughts, vividly showing ‘the end of the world’, ran rampant in my mind.

Though, in terms of my experience in relation to these points, there has been a major difference comparing myself now and myself from three years ago, at the time in which I still hadn’t found Desteni. The change lies in how I handled my experiences; because eventually I managed to stop all fear, anxiety and worry too instead live here as breath – something I would never have been able to do three years ago. Back then I would have become possessed with my fear, I would have checked out my bank account several times a day, to make sure I have enough money, probably never dared to let a tenant live with me and I wouldn’t been able to sleep as a child – even though my reality was unstable and uncertain.

Because through writing out my experiences, through looking at my thoughts in self-honesty – I managed to pinpoint the insecurities that created my experience. And through self-forgiveness in combination with breath, common sense and self-corrective actions I was able to delete my disease as fear – reprogramming myself with a new starting point, one of common sense and in alignment with the mathematical nature of reality.

This is the power of the tools of Desteni; self-forgiveness, self-honesty, breath, common sense and self-corrective action – applying these tools there is no situation to hectic, intense or overwhelming one can’t face and still direct oneself within stability, silence and clarity. Because our inner reality mustn’t be a slave to our outer, our experience of ourselves can become what we want it to be – as we end our automated reactive behavior with it’s origin in external stimulation. We are able to become the stimulator of ourselves and as such, remove all the experiences and behaviors that aren’t supporting our world or us to live effectively.

Because, would it have helped me to sort out the situation in my world if I had gone into fear and remained as fear? No, I wouldn’t have been able to make clear decisions, based upon mathematics, as the certainty of accumulation, that 1 + 1 will indeed become 2. Simply common sense to see that I require to get a job, I require to rent out my room, and within these realizations having no experience of fear, anxiety or worry – instead seeing the concrete, actual, physical reality and what is necessary for me to do in order to stabilize my world.

So, I used the tools of Desteni. I stopped my fear, worry and anxiety and I came back to the physical. I slept as a child and I gave myself direction; this is the simplicity and effectiveness of breath walking, a skill and ability that everyone is able to give themselves, the greatest presen(t)ce anyone is able to receive.

If you are interested in knowing more – check out www.desteni.co.za, www.equalmoney.org, and www.desteniiprocess.com

Thanks!