Tag Archives: intimacy

Day 318: Insider or Outsider, Where Do You Want To Be?

Have you ever felt like an outsider? The word is usually used in the context of social interaction, the forming and shaping of groups, friendships, and other social structures – and it identifies the individuals that are not part of the social structure that has developed. In the dictionary, an outsider is, among other things, defined as a person who is not accepted by or who isolates themselves from society.

Looking at the emotional charge of the word, it has a definitive negative emotional connotation. Being an outsider is not something that is defined as a positive characteristic of a person, and hence, many of us, are very much fearful of excommunication, of bullying, and being pushed away from our current social setting, that is to say, from the group within which we have come to define ourselves. Existing within such a fear is a limitation, and hence it is clear that, for anyone feeling like an outsider, the solution is not to strive to become an insider, the solution is not to build your self-image, and self-value upon you being part of a group. For us to be self-reliant, self-confident, effective people with integrity to be able to stand for what we see is best for all, there cannot be any emotional dependency on a group of people.

Being an outsider is however not a solution, and what I have found in my own process of walking through and directing the ‘outsider-character’ is that it is also a mind-construct with a core point of fear. Here the fear is also that of being excommunicated and pushed out from the group, however the tactic is different. Instead of playing along with the game, and aiming to be accepted and loved by a group, the strategy is to never be part of a group to begin with, because then the fear of being rejected by a group will never materialize. It is a more cunning way of avoiding the hurtful experience of rejection, however, it is also severely limiting our potential as human beings to expand, form relationships and get to know people.

The solution is not to try and make ourselves friends with everyone, and the solution is not to become an outsider and push people away. What I have realized is that in order to transcend this polarity of either being an insider, or an outsider, we have to deal with the core issues – and that is in both cases – fear. For me, this fear has consisted out of the fear of rejection, fear of not being accepted, fear of not being liked and fear of not fitting in.

To deal with these fears, what I did was that I asked myself questions, such as the following: ‘Why do I fear rejection? Why do I fear not being accepted? Why do I fear not being liked and not fitting in?’ – and what came through here is that all of these fears relate back to me – and that I have not developed a sufficient self-standing, self-acceptance, and self-value. Because would I be able to fear rejection if I knew that regardless of what happened, I would always stand with and by myself and be fulfilled and whole in that? And would I fear not being liked or fitting in, if I would enjoy myself, and perfectly well, fit into my own life the way I see is best for all?

The answer to those questions is no – and as such we are able to learn a lot about ourselves through investigating how we feel around groups of people, how we interact, how we think and whether we decide to become an outsider or an insider. I have found that our emotional experiences is only ever a consequence of a misalignment in our relationship with ourselves, and should only be used as a guiding light to find the real underlying issues.

I have found that the most efficient way to direct these underlying issues, which are the real problem, is to LIVE WORDS. The process of living words is easy to understand and it is being thoroughly walked through at the School of Ultimate Living, which I suggest anyone interested in changing deep seated compromising habits and patterns to pay a visit to. Living Words basically means that we establish a word, with a definition, that effectively serves as a placeholder for a new expression we want to establish in our lives, and then we put that new expression into practice.

With me, I established that the word self-acceptance would assist and support me to change my experience of myself. I looked at how I could express this word in my day-to-day living – in this I saw that I regularly throughout my days – judged myself for how I interacted with people. I thought back on my interactions either defining them as ‘good’ or as ‘bad’. I defined a interaction as good when there was a flow to the conversation and a natural comfortableness between the other person and I. The interaction was defined as bad when there was a miscommunication, an emotion coming through, uncertainty coming to the surface, or some other external or internal event occurred that stopped the ‘flow’ in the moment.

Then I could see that an effective way of living self-acceptance would be to stop these assessments of myself and my social interactions with others – and to replace this assessment chatter with me accepting myself in the moment of interaction – and doing that through relaxing my body, feeling my breath, and bringing myself back HERE whenever I could see that this assessment chatter wanted to come up within me. Hence practically developing and LIVING self-acceptance – and through this process I have been able to change my experience of myself when it comes to groups – where I am not anymore as afraid of what people might think of me, and how well I fit in, or whether I am liked or not.

Living words is a efficient way of transcending the polarity of being an insider or outsider – and it places the focus back on self. Because it is not about whether we feel apart of the group or not, it is all a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves – and hence – all of our lives can be used as a support for us to get to know ourselves more intimately and establish new patterns and expressions that are best for all.


Other blogs on this topic:

Day 577 – Do I not belong?

437. What to Do when Feeling like an Outcast?

Outsiders – day 695

461: You Don’t Have to be an Outsider – Invite Yourself In

Day 1102: Stepping out of Your Comfort Zone

Day 148- Isolating Myself from Relationship’s

The Outsider – Day 511

Learn more about this way of living:

Day 278: Giving

I woke up this morning and noticed that there was a form of stress or anxiety present in my chest. I took a moment and looked within me to see where this stress and anxiety came from. What I could see was that this stress and anxiety was connected to debt, to money, and to survival. It is easy to fall into the trap of survival fear – and then remain stuck in such an experience. When in survival mode everything is about the mere continuation of one’s life, which is the drive, which is the force and momentum that push points forward.

What is unfortunate is that when stuck in this state of survival, tunnel vision sets in, and one’s world gets smaller. It gets small in the sense that the only thing that matters is survival, not seeing anymore that there are more points to living in this world, and most of us understood this as children, when we could live in this world without being governed by fear of survival.

Hence, fear of survival is that limiting experience where all focus and attention goes to achieving the basic minimum, just getting by, just making sure that one get through this day. In that there is no will, or drive to move and expand, to give of oneself, to create something extraordinary and out of this world, something awesome that would be of benefit to many people. The will to live is sucked dry by the fear of survival.

However, it does not need to be this way. Money, or rather the lack of money does not have to define who we are as beings, and what we decide to live, and what we decide to stand for and as. Our expression and commitment to life can be created to go beyond money, and that is what I am going to write about in this blog, how I have waited with standing as life in certain parts of my life, due to connecting that will to stand to money, and having a lot of money.

One point that stands out here is the point of living HERE, living HERE and not accepting and allowing fear to creep up on me. Because, one justification that has been common is that ‘Oh well this fear is valid, because I do not have any money’ – hence procrastinating stopping and changing my self-experience until I feel that I have enough money to let go of my fears. Obviously, this is not effective, because fact of the matter is that I might never have enough money to feel comfortable in letting go of my fears, and fact of the matter is that I might never feel that source of income I have is sufficiently certain for me to feel comfortable in letting go of stress. This means that if I want to live without stress and fear, and stand up as my real potential, I must take a leap of faith, and simply stop these experiences – not accept and allow them to exist within me – regardless of where I stand in relation to money and income.

What does it then mean to live without fear of money/survival, and what I can replace this fear and survival with? What expression can I live instead that will support me to become a fulfilled and effective human being in this lifetime that is contributing to a life that is best for all?

What I see is that the word GIVING is a important part of me changing myself to live my utmost potentialGIVING is important in me walking from survival and into self-expression – and within GIVING – also words such as CARE, CONSIDERATION, EQUALITY, and SUPPORT – basically – placing value and significance on my fellow human beings and looking at how I can in my life GIVE to others of myself in such a way that it will support them and enhance their lives.

And I see that this word GIVING can be applied in many contexts. I can pursue GIVING in my work environment, GIVING through placing a focus on the organization that I work for as a whole – instead of only seeing it from my perspective, and from my desires and wants. And GIVING through actually caring for others, placing them within me, and when I speak, and interact with them, recognize the other person as an equal to me – see them – hear them – and be here with them. And GIVING through when I have time and opportunity to do so, assist and support others in their work.

And then GIVING can be applied at home through assisting and support with the household work, taking on responsibilities, and taking part in caring for the environment.

And basically, what I see, is that GIVING implies giving up my self-interest, to instead consider the whole, and see what I can contribute to the whole, instead of what I can get and take from the whole. Seeing how I can support myself and my world to expand, instead of looking for opportunities for me to get my next fix of energy – it is thus a shift in perspectives – a shift in how I look at things.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the antidote to self-interest is giving, being generous and including others into my life and supporting not only myself but everyone to create a enjoyable life for themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason as to why this world face so much consequence is partly because we are just all the time taking, we all the time want things, seldom are we giving back – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make it part of my life to give back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I only think about myself, that is when fear starts taking a hold – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop thinking – and apply the solution of GIVING and being generous with myself, my time and my money – and hence not anymore accepting and allowing myself to be a miser that walks in this world only to have

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that giving is what has been missed in this world – we humans have not considered the point of giving and within that receiving – but instead looked at this world as a place were we must do what it takes to survive – not seeing, realizing and understanding that by having that initial perception of this world – we have created it

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to develop the expression of GIVING in all parts of my life

I commit myself to investigate what it means to GIVE and how I can live the word GIVING in my life in such a that I support what is best for all

I commit myself to place myself in the shoes of another and ask myself how I can GIVE to their life in such a way that I will assist and support them to expand

I commit myself to embrace GIVING – to embrace that we are here in this world together – and that no one is free until all are free – and that hence – there is no point to only caring about myself – my life – and my future

I commit myself to push GIVING – to push through the moments when I feel that I have given to much – or I give without ever receiving – to stop feelings of fair and unfair – and instead take responsibility in this world through giving and making sure that I contribute to building and shaping what is best for all

Day 213: The s(M)mothering-construct

Lately I’ve been seeing the effects of a particular behavior and way of being that I’ve created throughout the years – and this is the s(M)othering-construct – where I literally smother myself and/or others through a very strict idea of what is right, and what is wrong – what is good and what is bad – what is correct and what is incorrect.

The main problem I’ve seen is the way that I approach my own as well as others mistakes, because when a mistake, or mishap happen, I tend to judge, blame, and the enforce a correction – implement the ‘right’ way of doing things. For example, let’s say I’ve been eating something that doesn’t go with my body very well, and I get a stomach ache because of it – then my automated way of dealing with this is to be hard on myself, and demand that I do what is ‘right’ – and thus not anymore eat that kind of food.

What happens when I approach mistakes, mishaps and weaknesses in this way is that I never go in any depth, I don’t actually discover what’s behind the point, and what has created it – instead the point is just plain wrong and it must be turned around to be right. Though, this also poses difficulties, because often then I don’t know really what is wrong, and what is supposedly right, and then my corrective application will be sporadic, and not grounded and clear in purpose.

Thus – there are obvious benefits with LEARNING to understand – to observe without judgments, without rights and wrongs, with correct and incorrect – because then I’m able to see what’s behind it all. For example, with criminals, many judge those as being absolutely wrong, distasteful and reprehensible individuals – yet there is a clear WHY behind such criminals – and that is most often a lack of money. That same principle of seeing the WHY that exists behind the HOW in myself and others on a more personal level – thus the best effects will come through when allowing myself to UNDERSTAND and GET TO KNOW others – instead of indiscriminately judging them for not fitting my ideals, and ideas of what is right and wrong.

Obviously the same goes for me – I also must accept and allow myself to when a reaction or a thought come up within me, or when I do a mistake or see a weakness I’ve created – instead of pushing it aside – apparently ‘changing’ it and thinking that I’m then ‘done’ – to accept and allow myself to ask WHY? Where are you coming from reaction, and what are you doing here? Thus accepting and allowing myself to understand my creation – in that empowering me to stand up and make definitive changes that will assist and support me as well as others in my life.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and another for a reaction that comes up, a personality that activates, or a action that is taken that isn’t what is best for all – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this as a way of motivating myself to change – where I will judge myself and what I do as being wrong, or bad – and then in that enforce a change and a direction into what is right – not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am in that disallowing myself from actually understanding and comprehending the point – and seeing from where this point is coming – and also why it is that I am creating what I am creating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that understanding a point is a necessary prerequisite for being able to effectively change a point – and that without understanding – what is going to take place will be more of a suppression – where the apparently ‘wrong’ point will be pushed down and pushed away – and another ‘right’ behavior take it’s place – though the actual starting point will not be understood and changed – and thus the essence of who I will still remain the same – a slave to energy and experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for reacting, for going into a personality, and for having certain patterns that are very persistent, and that I experience as being difficult to change – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through judging myself – actually hinder and stop myself from being able to see the mechanics behind a point – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be more gentle and inquisitive with regards to discovering and uncovering the truth and the real nature of myself – seeing, realizing and understanding that I will only ever get to the bottom if I accept and allow myself to unconditionally see, and walk through what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to apply a technique, where I will, when seeing that I compromise myself in terms of accepting and allowing myself to become emotional, go into a reaction, or a personality, to apply the bulldozer method, where I will just say to myself that ‘I am going to change that point!’ – though in that not being absolutely clear on what I am changing within myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the time, and patience to walk a process of preparation with self-forgiveness, and if I have the time, also writing about the point – realizing that in doing this I’m actively investigating the WHY of a point – and getting to an understanding of HOW it functions – and thus more specifically what I require to change and direct in order to move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach others, and their difficulties, and weaknesses, with judgment, where I want them to change, and change immediately, using the bulldozer technique, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is not how I effectively effectuate change in my world – because in using the bulldozer technique I will more force others to be the way that I want them to be, and there won’t be an understanding, and realization in the other as to why they move as they do, as to why a particular starting point, direction or application is not effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the priority of my application when assisting and supporting others – to empower them to become self-realized – and realize that this is the important point to convey – that the change in physical application is important – yet what is even more important is that the starting point of that change is clear and comes from within and as a point of self-realization – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move and support others from within and as judgment – instead of accepting and allowing myself to be unconditional

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to not as I am about to assist and support another with a point, or as I am considering to do this, to take a breath, to slow down, and to look within me, so that there is no reaction, or movement inside – but that I am clear – here – specific – and ready to unconditionally give to another – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when and as I accept and allow just a slight movement within me – such as a judgment – the support will be compromised and it will not be aligned with the individualsthat is in-front of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that assistance and support can only ever be effective when there is no judgment – where there is no right and wrong – when there is no holding unto the past taking place – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice this point of when I am speaking with another – and want to show them a point – to make sure that I am clear – that I’m not driven to go there by thoughts or emotions – but that the point is unconditional – that it holds no stigma or bias – but that I am merely unconditionally giving to another a tool of empowerment so that they can stand up and make their lives more effective and potent

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I’m going into a judgment, and I want to move myself to assist and support either myself or another to change, and alter, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this movement is fueled by a judgment – which is actually a fear coming from a moral reasoning that reacting, being in a state of personality, or mind is bad – and must be immediately suppressed and fought – and thus I commit myself to instead in that moment relax – to slow down – and allow myself to investigate, be inquisitive about, and understand this particular system that I am facing – and thus take on the point of self-correction when I know what I am facing and what the solution to the point in-fact is

When and as I see that I’ve got a movement within me, of wanting to correct, and make others do the right thing, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this point of wanting others to do the right thing is in-fact a fear possession – where I don’t accept and allow myself to see that when just forcing others to do what I see is right – they won’t actually learn anything, they won’t in-fact and by their own volition motivate and move themselves – they won’t create a relationship with themselves but merely be a follower – and thus I commit myself to support others to stand independently – and do that through without judgments of right and wrong – and assist and support others to realize and move beyond their limitations – and thus not make it about morality – rather have the starting point of giving to another what I’d like to receive

Day 203: Interacting as Equals

Today I’ve spent my time at the library and I’d like to discuss a point that opened up in this environment.

So, in this place I meet many half-acquaintances – which are people that I’ve walked with in a course or two here at the university, but that I’ve not developed any closer relationship with. Now, what happens as I walk about in the library is that I will meet one of these people – and the moment this happens I will experience a slight but distinct surge of anxiety coming up in my solar plexus.

What I’ve found, as I’ve observed this point more closely, is that the fear is in relation to how I should behave with that particular person – should I say hi? Should I wave at them? There is as such an insecurity existing within me as to what type of relationship I have with the other persons, and a fear of misreading the relationship and then doing the so-called wrong thing. What is prominent here is thus the fear of how another is going to perceive me, what another is going to think of me, and how I’m going to be placed and defined in the life of another.

Thus, what is even more interesting is that certain individuals will trigger an even greater experience me, these will be the individuals that I in some way experience and see as being superior and more valuable than what I am. For example today, one of my former classmates appeared before me – and in that moment this grappling fear emerged, as I was paranoid about whether I should look up and say hello, or whether I should just continue to focus on what it was that I was doing – and obviously here – the main concern in that moment was what HE would think or experience towards me.

The problem here is as such not that I don’t interact with others sufficiently, say hello, or recognize another, the problem is the starting point – the WHY and HOW – because even though I might say hello to this individual, if it’s done from a starting point of fear it’s still not self-honest, there is still no actual expression coming through – and thus the first point to handle and walk through must be to stop the fears and stabilize myself – and also to make sure that I am stable regardless of how I perceive that another experience themselves – because that must not influence and effect my expression – I must stand as that point of direction that I decide who I am in every moment of breath regardless.

In standing in such a position – the point won’t anymore be whether I should or shouldn’t say hello to someone – it will instead be – WHO AM I HERE? What is my point of self-honesty in this moment of breath? Do I want to say hello to this person? Would it be best for all to recognize and engage in a relationship with this person? Would this moment be supportive for me as well as the other? In that changing the starting point from fear – to practical self-honest assessment in the moment – looking at what is practical and effective – and not upon what I “should do” on the basis of comparing contrasting fears and weighing which one of the actions I fearsthe least – because that is simply not common sense at all.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as fear and anxiety when I meet people that I don’t know where I have them – in terms of reading them and seeing whether they consider me as a friend or not – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a pressure and a fear of acting ‘wrong’ around them – of behaving ‘badly’ around them – of not making the right decisions, saying the right things, and being generally likable around them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as anxiety and fear of how others are going to perceive me and think of me if I say hello, or wave at them, and they don’t see me as a close relative inside their mind – and rather think that I am strange and erratic in my behavior – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be accepted by others and have my behavior be considered normal and sane – and that I am seen by others as being exactly as I should

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others and think that they are much more socially acceptable and representable in comparison to me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as being inferior and less than others and that I must read them and have them give me signs of where I stand in relation to them – and what is an acceptable way of behaving and what is an unacceptable way of behaving – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach situations from within and as the context of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach other people from within and as a starting point of self-diminishment – and seeing them as someone that is giving me something that I must have in order to continue my existence – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not approach social situations and people from a starting point of equality – in realizing that I have an equal worth and value and that regardless of how another perceive me – my value remains the same – stable here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach social situations from within and as a starting point that there is something for me to loose – that I am able to loose my face and my position – that I am able to loose my value unless I interact with these other people as good as possible – and create the best impression of myself that I am able to give – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I believe that others see in me – and think that this is my only value – how others see me – what others think of me – and that I must protect and defend this value at all costs – and that it will be the absolutely greatest loss for me if I was to lose that point of support in others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if I approach others and social interactions from within and as a starting point of inferiority – then I will not be able to create a real and substantial relationship with the other person – and rather the relationship will be based upon – and limited within and as experiences of fear – and that I will shape and form myself in an attempt to satisfy and be likable to another – instead of letting my real and genuine expression as who I am come through – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let the real me come through and be the starting point of me initiating and creating relationships with others – that I stand stable here with myself – stable in breathe and physical movement – and that I approach others from this starting point of equality

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a state of anxiety, and that I am approaching another from this fear of not being accepted, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this fear limits me and how I am and will determine the entire interaction – and that I won’t express myself genuinely when approaching others from a desire to be accepted and get something out of it – and thus I commit myself to practice approaching others from a starting point of equality – and practically physically apply this – through when making a decision to approach another – to stabilize myself here – find my point of silence – and then make a decision as to whether to approach another or not – and remain stable in that movement of myself walking up to another and speaking with them – standing in that point of me being an equal in value

When and as I see that I am going into fear when faced with people, in fearing that they are disliking me, or forming some judgment of me, because they don’t see and consider me as sufficiently, and enough likable – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that the main relationship for me to care for and nourish is that with myself – and that thus the point to really be aware of is to make sure that I don’t accept and allow any self-hatred within me – and fearing what others think of me and being possessed and controlled by that fear is self-hatred and makes it impossible to create any relationship; thus I commit myself to make sure that I am a friend and companion of myself – that I support and nourish myself and my relationship with myself – and thus that I don’t look for this in others – but that I give it to myself – and that I do this through stopping thoughts of believing that I require to venture out there in order to get myself back

Laughing and Letting Go

So, yesterday I went to buy a protection thing to my grass trimmer. As I entered into the store, firstly, I felt quite uncomfortable when the man mentioned my presence as,  ‘the one with the book’ – and asked my ‘why I read so much?’. Though, I was close to compromise myself and in this moment go into a possession of attempting to be acceptable to another – I breathed and I let go of that tenseness that became overwhelming in that moment.

In the next moment I was discussing with the man about the protective gear – it turned out that I already had cool gear at home. I asked him to assist me in confirming this through showing me the gear he had, so I could compare it to the one I had. I did this and I found out that – indeed – I had cool gear at home. When this was revealed I began to laugh, and the man said, ‘You’ve come here twice and gone home with nothing at all’. It was in this moment that I became intensely uncomfortable, as I laughed. I walked past a man as I laughed and was gripped with a fear and a nervousness – I experienced a doubt as to if I should look at him or not – as I walked past I turned my head down towards the ground and slouched my neck – I saw this as a point of hiding myself, and a point of inferiority.

So the question is – what was it that really happened? Why did I experience these things? I mean, maybe why is a unnecessary question – I did experience these things – as a physical uncomfortable experience of myself. It was all based in fear, that I am certain of – so instead of attempting to figure out – the best thing that I can do is to deal with it through self-forgiveness.

1.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I am laughing

2.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of letting go and laugh close to people

3.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be up-tight around people and fear letting go – fear accepting and allowing myself to enjoy myself

4.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having fun and being one and equal here in a moment – physically close to another

5.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being abused if I laugh, to fear being attacked if I laugh, to fear that I am going to become hurt when I laugh

6.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others will become jealous at me when they see I appreciate and enjoy myself – in fear that they will abuse me and attack me

7.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loving myself and showing to others that I love myself – in fear that they will become jealous and angry and attack me

8.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting others

9.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others think that I am weak and not good enough – to think that others consider me as strange and stupid

10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others consider me as inferior to them

11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accepting and allowing myself to let go and be here – to fear that if I accept and allow myself to let go and be here – that other’s will use this to their advantage and find points of weakness in me and attack me

12. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being up-tight, to fear not being ready and prepared at all times to be abused, so that I can protect myself through always having control as to the picture I present to the world

13. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not always having control of how I present myself to the world

14. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear laughing in fear that I won’t be able to control how I am seen by others – how others feel when they hear me laugh and when they see me laugh

15. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of control – to fear letting go of up-tightness and always trying to make sure that I am in control and know what is going to be happen in the next moment

16. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be in control – to make sure that I know how others are going to act towards me – what others are going to say towards me – what others are going to think towards me and feel towards me – instead of accepting and allowing myself to let go and share myself unconditionally in this moment

17. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing myself – in fear that nobody will like me

18. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear opening myself up to another – in fear that they won’t like me

19. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being open and vulnerable to another – in fear that they are going to abuse me – and that they are not going to like me

20. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that another is going to find me to be stupid

21. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that another is going to see me as being feminine and weak when I share myself unconditionally – when I am vulnerable and open here

22. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being open and vulnerable – to fear accepting and allowing myself to enjoy the people in my reality – to appreciate the people in my reality – and express myself here as breath as equal and one

23. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being innocent

24. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of fear – to fear letting go of attempting to protect myself from my world – in the belief that my world can abuse and harm me

25. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my world can harm me – can abuse me – can destroy me – when I share myself here as breath – as openness – as vulnerability – as innocence

26. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being real – to fear caring about myself and another as myself – to fear being intimate with another

27. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being close to another – to fear being intimate and real with another – to fear showing myself without any masks – without any role – and without protecting myself

28. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to become abused when I show myself without any masks – without any protection – without any attempt to be anything more or less than me here as breath

29. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not looking male

30. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that males will think that I am gay – or weak – or stupid – when I share myself as vulnerability – as innocence – as here as breath

31. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go in fear that I will loose myself

32. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accepting and allowing myself to trust myself – in fear that I will loose myself

33. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accepting and allowing myself to see another – to stand equal with another in this moment – to stand without any separation with myself – equal as here as breath in a moment shared with another

34. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear laughing for real

35. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing who I am towards another – to fear showing the real me – and not hide behind a show

36. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting to know another – to fear being real towards another and opening myself up – sharing myself unconditionally – without any walls with another

37. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself and isolate myself petrified of being abused

38. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be petrified towards being abused

39. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be petrified towards being harmed or attacked by another

40. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and become petrifaction

I am here

I accept and allow myself to live vulnerability, openness, sharing, and innocence

I share myself here as breathe with no walls – with no role – with no masks – I am here open – vulnerable – clear

I accept and allow myself to live with no fear

I do not accept and allow myself to separate myself from this moment – from others – in fear of being abused or harmed –as I realize I can’t be abused or harmed – as such I share myself here as equality – I accept and allow myself to be intimate with others

I am self-intimacy

I accept and allow myself to experience and live intimacy with others and myself as myself

I let go and accept and allow myself to trust myself in the moment – stop worrying – stop fearing – and instead breathe and trust myself here