Tag Archives: irritation

Day 404: Learning From Mistakes

Today I had a situation at home where I reacted in irritation/frustration because I felt sidestepped and disregarded – while at the same time slightly jealous because I experienced it as if someone else for a moment stole my moment in the limelight. While still in a reaction, I shared this with the other person, which then caused a reaction in the other as well. Afterwards I justified my reaction, and how I had spoken it out loud by saying that it was a ‘common sense’ point and that it ‘needed’ to be said. However – I can now see that my point was not really that important – and even if it had been important – I could have shared my perspective in a more calm and supportive way.

The reaction in itself had built for a couple of moments, starting from backchat, where the main point was that of thinking about how the actions of another caused ‘inefficiencies’ in my life – and from there triggering irritation – leading up to saying within myself that ‘I must bring this point up with the other person’. And then when I finally spoke about the point, it did not at all come out as coherent, understandable or common sense – because what took precedence was my reaction – I felt irritated and side-stepped. And that is something I find to be a tell-sign of when I am in a reaction – the point I am making is not grounded in the physical – and hence everything I try to tell and share will be equally unclear and muffled.

After the situation I started to experience guilt and shame because of how I had expressed myself. I did not like to look at myself in the mirror, and recognize what I had done – I initially wanted to believe/think that I had some form of valid reason behind my action. However, this is not the case, there was no valid reason behind it. The reason was that I had made up and used as a justification to allow me to live out and express the reaction.

So – what can I learn from this?

Firstly – and this cannot be said too many times – do not follow my own inner chatter – do not believe my own inner chatter – do not make decisions according to my own inner chatter – instead – BREATHE – because it is in BREATHING that there is stability and common sense. Inner backchat does not have any standing when it comes to giving me clear and grounded perspectives and suggestions as to how I should move and deal with my reality.

Secondly – to not take side-stepping personally – to not react personally when I feel that someone is taking my spot, doing my thing, taking charge of my position – it does not define who I am – and I do not require to protect myself. Neither do I need to fight to retain and keep my standing – because what am I really trying to protect? What am I really trying to defend? Is it not all an illusion in-fact? Best thus to remind myself that what goes on out there – it does not define my inner reality unless I accept and allow it. Hence there is no need to push to keep my reality set in a specific way in the belief that I will lose value and worth if it changes. In this reality, things go up and down, sometimes I am praised, other times I replaced, and in other instances I will be erased – however – it DOES NOT define who I am – that is the point to remember.

And then when it comes to actually supporting others in my environment and myself – to share common sense in stability and not make it personally because that shifts me into emotion instead of sticking with practical physical movement and change in the moment.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I am not gaining confidence, when I am not placed in a position of leadership and importance, with regards to points that I feel I am the best equipped to handle – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my ability and opportunity to learn, to acquire new skills, to grow and move as a person in my life and with regards to what I do through failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional and feel the need to protect myself and my position, my stature and standing, believing that I can be toppled unless I fiercely and defiantly make sure to push away anyone coming close to taking me down – in this not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am paranoid, and that I am fighting against my own fears – and that there in-fact no reason for me to exist within this constant mode of fighting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to no care for the people in my life one and equal – to not consider them one and equal – and hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the presence of people in my life for granted – to see and treat them as props in ‘my life’ – not seeing, realizing and understanding how much I am able to learn from people in my life – and what relationships that I am able to developed if I push myself to be something more within myself – something more in the sense of actually being real, genuine and self-honest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being open and vulnerable – to fear investing myself in life and fully taking part in living life – fully taking part in getting to know people and letting them inside of myself in the sense of letting myself be receptive and open to new expressions, new insights, new information, new ways of doing things – and hence push myself to continuously expand and move

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really listen to or take people seriously – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really be HERE – to not really be in reality – but continuously be somewhere else in my mind – where I believe there is more to be found – however not seeing, realizing and understanding, that in spending time in my mind – I am separating myself from reality, from what is here, from the physical, and hence not allowing myself to get to know and be close to – and interact with and learn from PHYSICAL reality as it is HERE

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into a reaction fear towards other human beings, where I then want to enter a ‘isolation mode’ and push others away in order to feel more secure and safe within myself – I take a breath and bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I cannot transcend and walk through this fear by running away from it – and fact is that the only way I will get better at people and social relationships – and learn how to make myself within them REAL and learn how to live empathy, and how to appreciate and truly care for others, is by placing myself in situations with people – and thus I commit myself to enter into the dragon – to walk into the midst and learn to stand through exposing myself to that which I find is difficult and that is outside of my zone of comfort until I am comfortable and able to direct the point


Learn more about this way of living

 

Advertisements

Day 256: Squabbling

a couple is squabbling with boxing mitsToday’s blog will be dedicated to looking more deeply into a word that I have run into in my daily living. This word is ‘squabbling’ and in the dictionary squabbling is defined as the following:

A noisy quarrel about something trivial: family squabbles.

Now, not too unexpectedly, this point has come up in relation to my partner, and the agreement we are walking together. What I have noticed in moments is that I will enter a ‘squabble-character’ – where I will latch unto some trivial point that my partner disagrees with, and then push that as ‘my point of view’. Most of the time that underlying drive within my decision is the desire to be right, and to ‘win’ – and sometimes it is that I want to experience that slightly tickling feeling of being in a light argument with another – the same type of tickling sensation that sometimes arise when you are teasing someone. And basically this tickling sensation would be the energy of superiority mixed together with some excitement, and some genuine playfulness.

Though, within living this point of squabbling, there are some obvious consequences: Firstly, sometimes the other person might simply not understand that I am ‘teasing’ him or her with a playful attitude – which can cause a reaction, and in the worst scenarios an explosion – thus walking into this squabbling-character is like playing with fire. Secondly, what is really the point of squabbling? Does it in anyway support, or build the relationship between two individuals? No, rather it’s the opposite – it’s instead a cesspool of conflict where oftentimes, things start out with a low voice, talking about things that are ‘funny’, to then escalate into more serious matters, and sensitive points, and then to become more or less a conflict, and a fight.

I have found that it is easy to fall into squabbling-mode, and then start talking, defending yourself, justifying, and excusing, because apparently, you have to ‘talk back’. But do I really have to talk back? Do I really have to make it known how I oppose a certain idea/opinion, and then try to prove to the other person how my idea/opinion is better than their idea/opinion? No – I don’t – really squabbling is a polarity game between two individuals where both try to convince each other that they are right, and better than the other. Hence, when one of those individuals makes the decision to stop – squabbling will be no more – because squabbling feeds on the back and forth motion of the argument.

I see that there are some very effective ways of stopping squabbling – one of these is to in the moment when I notice I want to speak from within this slight movement of an urge to prove a point, or show a point, that I stop myself, breathe, and realize that I will not miss out on anything by letting this urge go. I will not miss a part of myself if I am not able to convince this other person to think like me, no, I will be just the same, like before, though, more stable, and grounded, and being able to focus on things that are of more importance than trying to convince others that I am right.

Squabbling takes time, it doesn’t produce any visible results, and slowly eats away at relationships – it’s not something supportive and hence shouldn’t exist within me – thus the remainder of this blog I will dedicate to self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements to support me to walk through this mind-pattern.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate within and as a squabble character, where I am squabbling with another, and automatically disagreeing, or agreeing, from a starting point of wanting to win, and be right, and have another see things from my perspective, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to this squabbling-energy, and thus not see the consequences that I am creating through participating within, and being obsessed with this squabbling character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with squabbling, where I will talk back for the sake of talking back, and for the sake of that slight rush of energy that I feel when there is almost a conflict going on between two persons, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am limiting, and suppressing my real self-expression, my real beingness expression, because I am accepting and allowing myself to be intertwined, and sucked into this energy, where I don’t see the consequences of my actions, and the ripple effects of my words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change squabbling into stability, and communicating with a grounded stability here, where I do not accept and allow myself to squabble, but I instead remain stable, grounded, here – and have my words be a true representation of who I am as a being, and not represent a system of energy that comes up within me and demands my attention

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change squabbling into stability, and clear communication, where I as such do not accept and allow myself to voice myself, and speak from that slight urge, and desire to voice myself, and say something that I know will trigger, or set off another in some way, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am utilizing words deliberately to trigger another, to in that feel powerful, and strong, and justify this with thinking that it’s only teasing, not seeing, realizing and understanding that the underlying intent is not teasing, it is wanting to be in control, and wanting to win

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that another can’t allure me into squabbling, because it is always I that respond to a energy stimulant inside of me, and then I move myself on the basis of this stimulant, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I can change a moment, and a relationship with another, through not accepting and allowing myself to respond to that urge, and experience coming up within me, of feeling that I want to talk back, or say something that might potentially cause an experience within in another in someway or another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not a solution to talk back, because talking back implies reacting, it implies automatically and without awareness, immediately saying something to another, without considering the effect of the words, and without considering whether, or whether not I am able to stand with these words or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that a solution is to talk – to direct – to speak to another in clarity – to thus accept and allow myself to forgive any reaction that might come up, and any urge of going into squabbling-mode – so that I am able to speak and interact with another in a clarity and comfort – in a stability – where I know who I am and where I stand – and I know where my words come from – why I speak them – and what the purpose of my words are – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to be more disciplined and specific with my words and how I accept and allow myself to voice myself with another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify squabbling with thinking that it’s something I need to get out in the open, that I need to rinse the air, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s not a solution to ‘rinse’ the air, because in that I am not directing anything – I am only trying to get my experience out so that I can feel comfortable and good about myself – which is not taking the other person into account what-so-ever – but is only taking myself into account and how I want to feel better through unleashing my experience within me on another

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into a state of squabbling, where I experience a urge to talk, to talk back, to get my point across, and downplay another’s, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that through going into this state, and speaking in it, I am sabotaging my relationships with another, and I am suppressing my genuine, comfortable and grounded expression, thus holding myself back form in that moment communicating, and sharing solutions, and supportive ways to tackle, and direct my life and another’s – and thus I commit myself to change my communication to being stable, grounded, and clear – and use my words to assist and support and build solutions instead of creating energy through squabbling

When and as I see myself squabbling, or wanting to squabble, which is signified by the fact that I feel this urge, desire, and feeling of need to speak, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that squabbling doesn’t lead anywhere, and it doesn’t give me what I want to have, it doesn’t create cool relationships, and it will only bring, for a moment a exciting energy experience – nothing more – and thus I commit myself to instead value and place focus on the physical – on what I am doing HERE in this moment – in this breath – and how I can assist and support myself in this moment to create my life – my world – and my physical reality to be the best that it can be through the words I am speaking and the communication I am participating within

Day 239: Feeling criticized

Today I am going to open up a physical reaction that came up today as I was barbecuing.

Now, basically, I was standing by the barbeque, tending to the meat – and then another person enters into my environment. This person began to speak, and utilized a piercing tonality, where the words came out almost as punches, and very fast – no pauses and no natural rhythm. The words were in relation to the way I was cooking the meat – and the person had various suggestions as to how I could cook it – and what I should and shouldn’t do. Later on, the person began to share information, lot’s of information, for example historical facts, or considerations, and yet again the tone of the voice had this punch, and almost aggressiveness – and there was a rush in the pace.

As this person spoke I could notice that my body was tensing up, and I started to feel uncomfortable – specifically I noticed how my shoulders tightened and that my neck was bent slightly downwards – and the body shaped as if I was trying to crouch from enemy fire, dodging my head downwards as to not be hit. I also felt uneasy in my arms, I didn’t feel comfortable having them in any position, I didn’t know where the put them.

The thoughts I had about this person was judgmental in nature – I judged this person as speaking to fast, as being in energy, as being critical – and the way I responded physically was that I became more quiet, and I didn’t return to communication – the reason being that I felt forced to speak/agree/communicate in a certain way – and so not speaking was my way of trying to get back in control of the situation.

I can also see that I judged this person as being abusive, and not caring for his environment, and those around him – that he was all absorbed with himself, his own words – I can also see that I judged him as being smug and full of himself – pretentious and self-centered.

So – this event shows me a lot about myself – and what I can see is that this person is actually revealing many characteristics of my own, though I have them more on the inside – more repressed and hidden from the world – because I can see that I will in certain situations approach others within a smugness and pretentiousness – where I see myself as better than another. And equally will I at times speak in this almost aggressive, punching voice tonality – where each word is charged with a energy of rushing – trying to speak as much as possible in the shortest amount of time possible. Hence I can learn A LOT from this individual.

In the following I will apply self-forgiveness on the various reactions that I had towards this individual and direct the point utilizing self-commitment statements.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance towards person X when he is my surrounding area – because I perceive that X speaks aggressively, in fast paced bursts of punching energy – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this personally, to react and to feel as if I am threatened or diminished, and that I require to protect myself around X – through either talking back or cowering and hiding from these, what I perceive to be, attacks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X for making me feel attacked and aggressively treated, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the solution to this problem is that X leaves from my life, or that I shove him away, and do not interact with him anymore – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is not a solution, and not a effective way of directing the point, but rather a form of escapism – where I want to escape myself, and how I experience myself, through blaming my experience of myself unto another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X, and believe that it’s his fault that I experience myself as attacked – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the back of my mind think that he’s rude, that he is not pleasant to be around, that he’s not a very nice and courteous individual – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X for the way he is expressing himself – instead of seeing, realizing and understand that the very fact that I have these reactions within me, indicates that I do have the same issues and behavioral patterns as is the case with X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened by X, and when X is speaking – take a stance within myself as if expecting the worst, and believing that at any moment, I will be vehemently attacked – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself around X and not express and share myself fully – but only reveal so much of myself that I believe is safe – and that I believe will not cause any major, bad and negative experiences for me, where I am going to feel hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge X as being insensitive, and brutish, and without the ability to see how his words is affecting his environment – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto blame towards X, and feeling as if X has been, making my life more difficult than what it has to be, and has contributed to me feeling attacked, and criticized – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that the fact I am reacting this – shows that I am also accepting and allowing this type of program in my mind – where I accept and allow myself to not be sensitive to how my words influence and affect my environment – and where I instead just speak for the sake of speaking with no effective consideration and support for another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge X as being smug, pretentious and full of himself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to person X –and want to remove him from my world, believing that each time he comes into my world, he will make me feel bad, start sharing information, and facts with this superior body language, and tonality, and try to make himself more than me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am also accepting and allowing this very program to exist within me – and that person X is in-fact revealing to me how I am not yet effectively standing with regards to me approaching people, and situations, and sharing myself without ego – and without trying to impress upon others how effective I am with knowledge

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is obviously completely meaningless to judge X, and to try to push him out of my world – because the fact is that X is representing and showing parts of myself that I’ve not yet wanted to recognize and see – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that through interacting and being together with X I will be able to establish for myself where and how I exist as these patterns myself – and thus effectively work with my reactions of judgment that currently clouds my eyes – where I instead of seeing myself clearly – judge and suppress parts of myself that I don’t want to recognize

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s actually from the persons that I resist the most, and that I have the most reactions towards, that I am able to learn the most – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that instead of viewing my reactions towards X as a problem – I can instead see them as being the start of something new, and opening up a new area and part of my life that I’ve not yet been researching and looking into – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that X is in-fact giving me lot’s of information that I am able to use in order to open more of myself – and thus trying to push out X from my life, or judging X for who he is – is in-fact completely pointless and doesn’t lead to anything beneficial

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am going into a state of and as inferiority, fear and cowering, because I perceive that another person is speaking aggressively, is speaking harshly, and with these very strong, and fiery words – I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that any reaction I have, indicates that there are points I’ve not yet dealt with, and doesn’t in-fact say anything about the other person – and thus I see, realize and understand that my interactions with this person in-fact represents and opportunity for me to get to know myself – and thus I commit myself to stop, and to see that the words are only words, that they are sound and possibly contain energy – yet they can’t harm or hurt me – or define me – thus I commit myself to breath and let the words pass through me

When and as I see that I am sharing information with another, from a starting point of thinking, and feeling that I know so much, that I am really well-read and extremely effective – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this way of sharing and giving information to another is in-fact a form of ego, where I am being smug and pretentious, and going into a state of superiority, where I believe myself to be more than another – and thus I see, realize and understand that the solution is to share information with a stable tonality here, making information, facts and knowledge equal to all parts of me as the physical; and thus I commit myself to not change in my physical presence and expression when I am sharing information with another – but instead remain here and breath – and stabilize myself with my voice – practicing a stable voice tonality

When and as I see that I am judging X as being insensitive, I immediately stop myself I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this judgment exists within me only because I am myself in moments living such an insensitivity, where I become the center of the world, where my energetic, feeling-experience because the most important thing that there is, and my world, and the experience of others in my world, in a way disappear, and everything that becomes important is myself, and my experience – and thus I commit myself to instead learn about myself from X – and to within this process – commit myself to when I share of myself – to be sensitive and aware of others and how my behavior and words influence them – and not take another for granted

Day 237: Greed and the drive for survival

Recently I walked through an experience where I had made a deal with person, that they would give me some money, and in turn I would give them a product. Though what happened was that I gave the product, and the recipient didn’t give the money – and this is what in law is called a breach of contract.

swindledAnyhow, due to circumstances I realized that it wasn’t worth the effort to attempt and try to demand the money – and I tried to make peace with the fact that this deal simply didn’t work out. This would prove to be more difficult than I initially thought – consequently I had these deep, and overwhelming emotional experiences come up within me – a conglomeration of sadness, fear, anger, blame, disappointment, resentment – coming together in a experience that I had difficulty understanding and naming.

Several times I sat down and wrote, applied self-forgiveness, and looked at the event, and my emotional experiences – though I couldn’t let go of this experience that I had become the victim of a great injustice – hence I had thoughts, and backchats come up where I imagined taking revenge, coming up with something really effective to say, and to scare the other person into giving the money – it felt impossible to let it go and come to peace with what had happened.

Thus – here I am – and I will in this blog open up the more deeper dimensions of this point – because it’s clear to me that what have activated within me isn’t only about money – it goes further than that – it’s about my relationship with money, survival, and my ideas of morality and honesty.

Firstly, it’s interesting to note that I became disappointed at this other human being for deceiving me – and why is that? Well, it’s like becoming disappointed at a tree for growing leafs – meaning – the nature of the human being as it is currently exists does have a clear and predictable tendency to deceive in order to attain more resources. This pattern is not remarkable – it’s in-fact merely a outflow consequences of this world system – that tend to drive people into a state of survival – where they will act and live out self-interest to a great degree in order to survive. Here is where greed comes in as well – because to further our own survival – we tend to become greedy and within that strive to attain more, save more, get more, buy ‘2 for 1’ and ‘get one for free’ – in it’s very foundation – this type of wanting more is a form of fear of survival. This pattern is also predictable and understandable – most human beings live out greed in some way – myself included – because it’s interpreted as a way of attaining security and safety.

Thus – it’s interesting that I became disappointed, and felt deceived when this point occurred – while really – what happened was that a pattern played out – a systematic outflow consequence of how this world currently functions, and how people are at this moment, from childhood, conditioned into a state of survival where the only thing that matters is oneself – and in better cases – the immediate family. To me, becoming upset, and feeling disappointed if I would be robbed or swindled, indicates that I am not aligned with the actual nature and substance of this physical world as it currently exists – because robbingdeception – and greed – that is a part of this world at the moment – a systematic outflow consequence.

This then nicely transitions me into looking at my own relationship with money, which is obviously an important aspect of this reaction, and why it occurred within me so strongly. I can see that I’ve conditioned myself to be dependent upon money for me to feel safe – and that when someone takes money from me – this then apparently deprives me of my safety, my survival, and security – hence as a defense mechanism – I have created this strong emotional response to anything that might threaten my money supply and consequently my survival. This is as such why I’ve had such difficulties letting this reaction go – because letting this go is in-fact me letting of my obsession with self-survival/self-interest – letting go of this moment is me making the decision to not be defined by and through money – but instead seeing/understanding/living that money is a tool and not a part of myself.

If money had been a tool for me, a paper, something that didn’t influence me – would I have had any reaction towards missing out on some cash? No – because then it would’ve simply been a matter of practical considerations – realizing that – okay – I expected this money to be here – now it isn’t – so how can I then rearrange my plans, and my direction to be in alignment with this unforeseen event that emerged? Looking at money from that starting point – it’s simply PRACTICAL points – PRACTICAL considerations – no emotions, no feelings, not self-definitions – it’s money as a tool.

Thus, it’s fascinating to note that this reaction goes deeper than what I initially foresaw – while on the surface it might only look like a justified experience to a fucked up situation – in actuality it reveals some deeply seated patterns that goes again in most of the human population.

In my next blog I will continue opening up this point of money, deception, and greed.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when someone deceives, where the consequence is that I lose out on having money – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a deep reaction of resentment, fear, and anger – where I want to take revenge, and do everything in my power to attain these monies that I perceive to be mine – and blame this other individual for apparently leading me behind the light – instead of realizing that what I am facing is manifested consequence – and is a systematic outflow pattern of this world system – and how human beings have been programmed into survival and greed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this money system and the way it changes people personally, and believe that it’s a personal attack against myself, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to defend myself in this world through taking things personally, through reacting in blame, in resentment, in fear, and disappointment – believing that this is going to secure me a position in this life where I can feel safe, and cared for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for what I perceive, being greedy, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring this point back to myself – and ask myself how I live out greed in my own life – how it is that I will attempt and try to take more than what I need and want – only to feel secure, and safe – and to ensure the chances of my own survival – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this pattern is existent within me as well – and obviously this is partly why I am having such a overwhelming reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and attack another within me for apparently deceiving me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that deception is part of how this world exists at the moment, that deception is part of the human psyche, and that it’s nothing to blame, or react to – rather it’s something to understand, and then find methods as to how the point can be directed – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that being deceived is a systematic outflow of how this world currently operates and is thus nothing personal, or nothing to react towards

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear and anxiety when it comes to not getting money that I expected to get, and that I see myself as being a rightful owner of – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into, and react within and as this fear of survival – where I will then start to within me look for solutions as to how I can turn the tables, and further my interests – and make sure that I am able to win the particular battle I feel that I am in – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this experience – to question whether this is in-fact a effective method of survival – where I will become possessed with and as energies – and move in energies – and not consider or work with what is actually, physically here in my direct environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that fear of survival is never an effective way of approaching this world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give up this desire to own and attain money – and rightfully gain more of them – and see that all of this stems from within and as this fear experience – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not forgive, and let go of this fear of survival – and embrace self-trust here – and realize that there is another way to live that stands beyond self-interest and self-survival – where I do consider all and everything else that is here equally – and not only but myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger, and irritation, and blaming, when I imagine before me, the recipient of my product, feeling all smug, and good about himself, because of how he was able to trick me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to within that want and desire to have revenge – to want and desire to wipe the smug smile off – and make myself the one that can feel smug, and smart, and ingenious – having been able to sidestep this other individual

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this point of being smug is something that I do myself as well – where I will define myself as being smart, and better than others, when I perceive that I’ve done, or said something that have really gone over the head of another, and where I feel that I have really been able to own the situation – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that fascinating point – that this other individual, and all that I am reacting to – is in-fact parts of myself that I’ve not yet recognized or accepted and allowed myself to forgive and work with – and thus I commit myself to look all this individual represents to me – and work with self-forgiveness – and realize that when there is no reactions within me towards this individual anymore – then I’ve in-fact seen and understood that these particular survival points exists within me as well

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am experiencing reactions within me towards this other person, such as resentment, blame, irritation, or when I see myself scheming to ‘get back’ and ‘win’ – I stop myself – I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that the reason why I am reacting to this individual so much is because he represents me, he shows me parts of myself that I’ve not yet recognized, or given attention to – and thus me facing this particular point in my life, is in-fact an opportunity for me to get to know these survival aspects and parts of myself that I’ve not yet worked with, or directed effectively – and thus I commit myself to look at this other individual as myself – and apply self-forgiveness as them – and thus within this walk the point of understanding – that we’re all in this world carrying the same basic programming – and we’re in essence no different from one another

When and as I see myself going into a reaction of resentment or anger, and then feeling as if I can’t get out of it, as if I don’t know what to apply self-forgiveness, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this only happens because there are more dimensions to the point that I haven’t opened up – and thus I require to look deeper, and I can ask myself questions to uncover more of the point – for example: Why is this bothering me so much? Am I living anything of this in my own life? Have I done something like this in my own life? Am I judging this behavior? And thus through questions – push myself to explore the deeper dimensions of and as this resentment reaction

Day 230: Too Much Luggage

lotsofluggageAt my job as a taxi-driver I sometimes have to help people with lifting heavy baggage. This is most of the times relatively easy, as the great majority customers have only but a little luggage. Though some make out to be the anomaly, and accordingly they have more trunks, bags and suitcases that require to be stuffed into the luggage compartment of the car. Even though, the physical exertion required on my part to get their possessions into the car isn’t monstrous. It takes a little more effort.

The interesting thing, and this is the point I’m going to open up in this blog, is my mental experience towards the customers that require more service. Because, the moment I see a customer awaiting me with more luggage than usual, I will access an undercurrent of anger – and the access will be immediate. The anger I experience physically, I primarily feel it in my calves, as they tense up. My back muscles will also become tense, and I tend to slouch, and my facial expression becomes droopy and less animated.

So-far, my solution to this have been to smile, and then help the customer more eagerly than I would have done with a customer coming with a normal size luggage. Though, this doesn’t change the physical experience I have, which only goes away after a couple of minutes – and at times I can notice myself being in this tense state of irritation through the entire trip.

The problem I see here, as the origin point of this reaction, is that I feel that the customer is unjustly using me. I perceive that he or she is expecting me to perform a service out of the ordinary, and is just demanding me to do so without a second of hesitation. This is what triggers the irritation, that here this person comes into my life, expecting me to do a lot of work, expecting me to give a service, smile and drive them somewhere – which I perceive to be unfair, unjust and undue. If this experience within me would come out in an action, it would be that of saying to the customer: “You can load your baggage in the trunk yourself!”

This experience, and undercurrent is obviously limiting me. Because it is clear that in the reality of today, we have to do shit we do not necessarily like, or feel joyous about, because that is how we make a living and survive. Another point is that in resisting to assist and support another with their luggage, I am not accepting and allowing myself to look at what it is that I can learn from this part of my life. Here I am faced with a moment where I am due to the nature of my job, forced to give service to another human being – and notwithstanding that my job requires me to do this, what I could practice in these instances is generosity and giving unconditionally.

It is a cool skill to be able to give service to another without expecting anything in return, to go that extra mile without any hope for remuneration – the act of giving unconditionally – giving as I would like to receive. This is how I can transform these moments from resistance to expression. Where I instead of feeling forced, and reluctantly stepping out of me car to assist the customer, accepting and allowing myself to make the act of helping the customer an expression of myself – an expression of me unconditionally assisting and supporting another with their luggage – giving them the gift of transportation from position A to position B – and within that – not wanting/desiring to have anything in return.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to assist and support another without getting something back in return

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a undercurrent of anger when and as I notice that a customer has a lot of luggage that they require me to take care of, and within this feel as if the person in question is unjustly asking me to assist and support – and that I am not given enough in return to be able to give such a point to another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist giving unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist assisting and supporting another without getting something back – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep counts in my relationships – where I count how many things another have done for me, versus how many things that I’ve done for them – and through that calculation then within me determining whether it’s unjust that I give more or whether it’s okay

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist assisting and supporting another without receiving money in return – and go into a undercurrent of anger when another demand from me to assist them in a particular way that I perceive to be too much labor – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when another asks me to assist and support them – and instead of looking at whether this is something that I would have liked to be done for me – look at whether it is just and fair

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on concepts such as justice and fairness when I assess whether I am to assist and support another or not – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am in-fact limiting myself through looking at this point in energy and experience – believing that I require an equal amount of energy in return to give of myself as energy – instead of accepting and allowing myself to stand within my human physical body and give here as an expression of and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I stand as expression – there is not such thing as me having to receive energy in order to give – because I am expression naturally as myself – it comes through not because I believe I have to – but because it is me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the expression of generosity and giving – accepting and allowing myself to give service and assistance to another and understanding that this doesn’t diminish or compromise me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the situation of carrying luggage for another from within and as the starting point of me unconditionally assisting and support another and living that expression of generosity and helpfulness – giving as I’d like to receive – and thus see these instances as opportunities for me to practice and bring through this expression of and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when another demands of me to carry luggage and it is more luggage than average – that I am being robbed of my dignity and worth – and that this other person is being authoritarian and diminishing me through their behavior – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am in-fact limiting myself through believing that the stance and expression of another can change me – not realizing that I change myself on the basis of acceptance and allowance

Self-commitment statements

When and as I face a situation where I am asked to help, and I go into resistance, aversion, and irritation, because I perceive that it’s unfair and unjust that I should help them, and that they should do it themselves – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am in this moment limiting myself in energy, allowing myself to see the physical from an experience-perspective instead of looking at whether I can assist and support another, whether that is common sense in the moment and would benefit the other person, and whether it is something that is relevant for me to do in this moment, and that does not compromise me and who I am – thus making a physical assessment and making my decision on that basis – and as such I commit myself to assess the physical situation and then make the decision on the basis of what is best for all – giving as I would like to receive

Day 138: But You Should Know By Now!

Continuing with the pattern of annoyance, which has come up recently in my world. The context of the point is that I am assisting and supporting my partner to take her driving license and thus I require transferring all the knowledge that I’ve gathered through driving cars to my partner. Before taking on this project it looked very simple, and in my mind I considered myself to be a good and patient teacher – someone that would be supportive regardless of my partners performance – though this idea of myself have recently been annihilated.

I’ve observed myself, and I am able to see that I frequently become annoyed with my partner, and it’s in particular when my partner express confusion, or uncertainty in regards to a point that I feel we’ve already gone through, and that I consider to be simple – and that I myself can do without any effort. So, here I see that I am expecting my partner to feel the same way I do about driving, and that when I find something to be simple, then this must be so equally for my partner. When this proves to be wrong, instead of dealing with the situation, explaining the point again, looking at specifically what it is my partner have difficulty to understand, I go into this annoyance, and usually remain in the annoyed experience for quite some time – time that I could’ve instead used to actually assist and support my partner to learn driving the car.

Thus – this is the point that I am going to take on and work more with – AND – to ANCHOR (for reference see HERE) this point in the physical – I see that what I am able to do as a correction for when this annoyance comes up within me is to take a Breath – a real long and deep breath – and then say STOP – no need to get annoyed here – rather focus on what is required to be done – which is to support my partner to take her driving license – a process that will not go faster if I accept and allow myself to get annoyed. And then I let go of the annoyance – and if it’s still lingering in me – I allow myself to laugh heartily at the mistake my partner did – and realize that it’s really NO BIG DEAL – then I get back to the matter at hand – which is to support my partner with her driving license.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed when and as my partner does a mistake, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the illusion that my partner should already be beyond that, and not anymore make such mistakes – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations on my partner as to how effective, and far in her process she should be, and how fast, and much she should learn – instead of accepting and allowing myself to let go of my ideas of what should be here – so that I can instead work directly with what in-fact is HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach challenges, situations, and beings in my world from within and as a starting point of illusion, the illusion being that I have a expectation on this person, or situation and that I believe that this point should behave according to my expectation – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is completely delusional to have a idea, and expectation as to how something should work and behave in my environment, and then become annoyed when that particular point does not work as I expected it to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work with things as they are, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become disappointed, frustrated, and irritated when things are not as I want them to be, instead of realizing that its absurd to believe that things in this world are to be as I want them to be, and that its really preposterous to believe that my world is to change, and become according to my wants – obviously that is not how the physical functions – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not rather work with what is in-fact HERE within and as this physical reality moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that any form of expectation or want occurring and coming up within my mind is really complete bullshit, because it’s evident that nothing in this world is constructed according to how I think, and according to the positive and negative reactions in my mind – and thus to expect that anything is going to work according to, or function according to how I imagine things in my mind – that is simply absurd, preposterous and ludicrous

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I, or my partner make a mistake in learning something new, that this is not a huge problem, that it’s not something done deliberately, that it’s not something to punish, or extinguish, but that it’s rather simply a mistake, that it’s simply that some knowledge have not been effectively integrated into the physical, and thus there is more support, more nourishment, and more tendering required, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand and comprehend the process of learning, and how it’s really unnecessary and a waste of time to blame the physical for not being as fast, and speedy as I want it to be in regards to learning and integrating new information

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be indoctrinated into believing the it’s a virtue to learn things fast, and that the opposite, of learning things slowly, must be punished, and attacked, because it’s apparently this bad characteristic that must be fought and removed, as it’s a pest – instead of seeing, realizing and understand that this is simply how the physical works, that some things some people learn slowly, other things they learn fast, while the opposite is true for other people – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work with what is here, and to not align myself with how my partner is learning, the speed at which she is integrating the information, and as such be here and support my partner in this integration process instead of accepting and allowing myself to react in annoyance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that regardless of whether I become annoyed or not, the physical will still learn in the same pace as before, because the physical is simply expressing itself as its ability to learn, and it doesn’t care about my expectations in my mind, it’s simply here and it have a particular pace in which it is integrating information, which is something that I am not able to affect – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself with the learning speed of the physical, to work with the physical, to walk with the physical, to learn with the physical, and not anymore accept and allow myself to fight against the physical and be in this constant struggle to attempt and try to tame the physical to be according to the expectations existing within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the physical can’t be tamed, meaning, that the physical can’t be changed through me becoming annoyed at it and wanting to for example, learn faster – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s pointless to fight against the physical, and that it’s obvious common sense to instead facilitate and work with the physical, to look at the learning process and where it can be more aligned to work with the learning abilities of the physical body – instead of just getting angry, and annoyed and thinking that the learning process should go faster

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I am reacting in annoyance towards my partner, I am in-fact spending physical time, inside my mind, physical time that I could’ve instead utilized to calmly, directively, and specifically, instructed my partner, to become more specific, and more effective, and thus I see, realize and understand how emotions of the mind are in-fact counterintuitive – that when going into the mind, becoming annoyed, when is missing out prime time, physical time, that could’ve been used to move the physical reality to a point of effectiveness and accomplishment – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the ineffective nature of the mind, and that in this physical world and reality – reacting to what is happening is not and will never be an effective way to deal with things – and thus if I want things to move and be accomplished – I must remain HERE – BREATH – and not accept and allow emotions of the mind to conquer and possess me

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am becoming annoyed with my partner, or anyone else for that matter, in a situation where I am teaching, or somehow working with a project, or point that moves according to time and space, and I within that have an expectation that it should move at a certain pace – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring it back here to myself, and I see, realize and understand that I am LIMITING myself and in-fact living counterintuitively when and as I accept and allow myself to go into annoyance – because I am spending time in my mind that I could instead spend here with and my physical body – to in-fact move the point I am working with forward; thus I commit myself to BREATH – to be patient and walk with the physical – to state with me that PATIENCE is PACE SENSE – thus I walk with the PACE of the physical – nothing more and nothing less – and annoyance won’t help me to do this – thus I get back here to the physical and I walk free from emotions

When and as I see that annoyance is still lingering in me, in is lying inside of me like a carpet of emotion, dulling my senses and my expression in that moment, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that in this moment I require to physical, practically move myself out of this state of being – which can be done through physical movements, through talking, through laughing, through breathing in and out, through becoming aware of the environment, in essence physically moving myself within myself to get out of the emotion; and thus I commit myself to experiment in the moment with various ways to move myself out of this dullness – and I commit myself to try out LAUGHING as a way to move myself out of this possession

Enhanced by Zemanta

Day 69: Leave Me Alone!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, irritated, and frustrated when and as I feel that I am being disturbed, and that I am not anymore able to focus my attention on what it is that I am doing; within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others as disturbing, and look at others as being the cause of my experience – and to not look within me at what thoughts I am accepting and allowing, and how it is that I am participating in this moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated, annoyed, and frustrated when and as I spend much time together with other human beings, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disturbed, to feel that others are intruding, to feel that I can’t get my peace of mind, to feel that I am being compromised in my presence because others simply do not move, and express themselves as I want and desire them to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire that others are to express, move, and direct themselves in my environment so that I don’t hear them, so that I don’t see them, thinking that this is a solution so that I won’t anymore experience myself as angry, and frustrated; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this is not a solution because I am not dealing with, and walking with the core point, and the core issue; which is that I am not being self-honest, and I am not pushing myself to walk through my mind and integrate, and align myself here fully and completely with and as the physical; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to walk through my irritations, and frustrations; too look specifically at what it is that triggers these points and then remove, and correct these through self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed, irritated and frustrated, when I am emerged in a particular activity, and then someone comes and calls for my attention; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am being disturbed and that I then have the right to become pissed off, and angry; because apparently this other person disturbed me, and this other person made it more difficult for me to focus, concentrate, and remain here with and as breath, and with and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think perceive, and believe that when I become angry because I feel disturbed, that this because of the point that I feel disturbed me, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that it’s not about the point that I feel disturbed me, but that it’s about me and my relationship towards focus, and concentration, and towards immersing myself in particular activities; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I immerse myself into points in my world, to do so without remaining aware and present here – but instead loose myself walk the point energetically instead of remaining here as breath – relaxed, comfortable, and present

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed, irritated, and frustrated when and as I wake up in the morning, and hold unto the belief that this is because I don’t like to be disturbed in the morning, I like to have it be peaceful around me, and to feel like I am able to relax, and that there is no point in my environment that calls for me attention; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated, and annoyed when and as there is a point arising in my world that requires direction, instead of realizing that I am able to move, and direct myself in this world – yet still remain stable, present, and relaxed; and that it’s not about what I do – but who I am within and as what I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be left alone when and as I wake up, and to remain in my isolation, and not have to face anyone, or deal with anyone, and to think that “this is just the way I am” – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding, that this is a particular mind-system that is obviously completely limiting me; because in holding unto this point I am making each morning out to be this difficult, hard, and strenuous point, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I am creating the point to be strenuous – I am making my morning difficult, I am making it though, and hard to be in my body; and as such I am able to assist and support myself to change my experience of myself in the morning so that I am not dependent upon energy to move and decide who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a different person in the morning than what I am during the rest of the day, and to feel that in the morning I must be left alone, and I must get my space, and I must able to do what I want to do, because apparently I need that to function properly, and to be able to make decisions, and move myself within and as this world; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise, and suppress myself as my natural expression – thinking, perceiving, and believing, that I need someone, or something else, to tell me who I am; such as energy – believing that I need energy to decide who I am in the morning; instead of accepting and allowing myself to stand up within and as myself – and decide to walk my mornings here in stability, as breath, and to not have to have a particular ritual in the morning for me to be stable and not become annoyed, irritated, and frustrated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain the same person through-out my day; and thus when I wake up in the morning remain here within and as stability of breath, and walk with and as stability of breath – and to not make the morning a uncomfortable, and difficult experience that I must fight myself through; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to insist upon trying, and wanting to make the morning a hard experience, something difficult – not seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am able to decide that the morning is not to be hard, and difficult, and thus change my living expression of myself – and support myself to remain stable, effective, and here as I wake up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as anger, and frustration in the morning when I am facing other people, and feel that I am being pushed, and invaded, and that I am loosing my sense of self, and my privacy; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the character, and personality of being a loner, as thinking and believing that I can’t retain myself, and keep my stability, unless I am completely alone and isolated in my world, unless I don’t have any other relationship in my world but the one with myself; and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand – that it’s not about what I do, or where I am; but who I am

When and as I see that I am going into anger, and frustration in the morning as I wake up, because I feel I have no privacy, and that I am not left alone as much as I desire and want; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here; and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t require and need to be isolated, and to be left alone, and to be alone in order to be stable, and effective, here, as I wake up in the morning – I just need ME and to make a decision as to WHO I AM; as such I commit myself to make the decision that I AM HERE as I wake up in the morning – and to simply apply myself within the same stability, and comfortableness that I walk throughout the rest of my day

When and as I see that I become angry, and frustrated because I feel that I am being disturbed, and uprooted from a particular project, or task that I’ve immersed myself into; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this point is obviously not supporting me – because in this reality I can’t expect to always be left alone, and thus becoming angry each time a event occurs that must be directed here, which means that I can’t remain immersed in a point, it’s not a very practical application to hold unto; as such I commit myself to breath – and to direct the situation that is here without becoming angry or frustrated – and within this allowing myself to immerse and get back out – within and as breath – effortlessly – here

Enhanced by Zemanta