Tag Archives: labor

Day 399: Office Relationships

Relationships at work and earlier, at school, have most of the times been a tricky business for me. On the one hand I have clearly seen that the relationships have been superficial, that I have been put together with these individuals involuntarily, and that it is hence less than likely that I would be able to connect and develop a deep and substantial relationship. On the other hand, I have also seen that it is up to me what I make out of the relationship, and I have as well desired to be likable, popular, and have ‘many friends’. The problem with the latter is that in order to have ‘many friends’ – I am required to be a social chameleon and literally change myself depending on who I am interacting with in order to assure a positive response from the other person.

At this stage, I find neither of these approaches very satisfying, because I do want to get to know my colleagues, understand them, learn from them, and utilize my time at work to live and stand as an example – and hence if possible assist and support my colleagues to make a change within their lives for the better. However, I also want to be stable and grounded and not become obsessed about maintaining and worrying about how others see me, whether I am receiving the right remarks or not. In other words, I want to be the maker of my relationships, I want to establish the principles from which I approach office relationships, and I want to make the best out of it and not lose my integrity or sense of self in the process.

One point that I have applied that works very well for me, especially in moments where I feel that the relationships at work are not offering the desired depth and substance, is that I look at the words my colleagues are embodying that I in turn could take on and live in my life. This application is interesting, because in slowing down and really looking at the expression of my colleagues, the words they are sharing does not matter as much, rather it is their entire expression, how they come through in their entirety, that becomes important. And in this I have been able to see how I am able to live new words in my life. For example, one of my colleagues is very much light-hearted yet still intense and focused. She carries herself with ease, yet is very much focused and intensely invested in whatever she is participating within. Another one of my colleagues is serious, deep, principled and courageous; she stands by a few principles and ideas and does not hesitate to voice herself. Yet another one is fearless and unworried as to what others thinks of her – she does not allow hierarchies and what is ‘right and wrong’ stand in her way of creating what she see’s would be best for herself.

Hence – I can learn a lot from my colleagues, that is for certain. However, it is also important to remember the primary reason as to why I am at the office – which is to be a part of the organization and participate in moving the organization to fulfill its intended purpose/responsibility in the world system. As with any company and organization, there are many, many people dependent on my daily effort and the effectiveness of the organization as a whole – which is why it is integral to make sure that office relationships does not take the upper hand – but that I remain focused on my primary responsibilities – my primary purpose – and where I MATTER the most to myself, others and the organization as a whole.

In the Eqafe interview Behind the Scenes of Office Politics – Life Review – it is suggested to align office relationships according the following principles (I have made some additions based on my own experience in applying the suggestions in the interview):

  • Investigate and research how your position in the organization interrelates to those of your colleagues – and then make sure that what takes priority is tending to and directing your responsibilities in the organization. Then systematically align your relationships in the organization according to what is of primary importance and keep the bigger picture in mind – where it is about the having the organization move and fulfill its purpose.
  • Always keep a clean slate with your colleagues – push to be the best that you can be; do not accept and allow gossip and reactive behavior from yourself regardless of how others are against you. Remember that what others say or do defines who they are – not you.
  • Do not develop personal relationships with people that accept and allow gossiping or other forms of nasty or destructive behavior – keep it systematic instead. Make the decision to align with people that you see care about their work, that care about doing the best that they can do, that care about expanding themselves – and that want to improve themselves and their future career prospects. Utilize such relationships to empower yourself and the other – to learn more – to give more – to mutually expand – to mutually become better – and to in the end – improve and empower the organization as a whole.
  • Learn from ALL of your colleagues. If you react, be grateful, and bring that reaction back to self, investigate it, find the origin and correct the point. See, realize and understand that ALL colleagues have something to offer in terms of showing you an expression/application/skill that you are able to copy and apply in your own life to empower yourself. Hence – even though you systematize relationships – be open to learn from and see who and how others are within themselves.

For anyone struggling with office relationships, or that are interested in improving them, and acquiring some sound principles as to how to approach and direct them, I also suggest the following interview:

Building Business Relationships – The Soul of Money


Learn more about this way of living

Day 283: I Do More Than You!

Living on a farm implies taking care of stuff, and if you live on a farm that accommodates animals, taking care of stuff, implies taking care of animals. This is that situation that I am in at the moment, living on a farm with animals, and having responsibilities to tend to the animals.

However, in my situation there are some unusual variables to take into account. The animals, chickens in this case, are not legally ‘owned’ by me and another person has the more dominant, ‘ownership’ role in relation to the chickens. My responsibility to tend to the chickens was initially someone else’s idea, and the plan was that two persons were to clean the chicken coupe each weekend. These variables are important to consider, as they are an important of the reactions that have come up within me in relation to this responsibility.

So, as for the reactions, I have had thought of seeing myself as being jailed and used as a chicken caretaker, because recently, due to various reasons, I have had to clean the chicken coupe by myself, and still, I do not feel as if I am given any influence and power of the chickens as a ‘owner’ – and hence the backchat have come up: ‘I am the one doing all the work, yet I get nothing in return, people are just using me, I should not stand for this!’ – ‘I do not get anything out of this, why should I have to care for the chickens?’. Now, the emotional experience is unfairness, and resentment, and on a deeper level, it is all blame.

However, as I have walked this point, and become aware of these reactions, I have started to question this unfairness, and the concept of ‘ownership’ and ‘control’ – and why there must be an aspect of remuneration involved for something to feel as if it is ‘worth it’. As children, we were part of numerous projects, and responsibilities, yet seldom was there are sense of having to claim ownership and gain a form of reward because of our participation. It was a lot more natural to give, and receive, without thinking about who is getting more, who is gaining, who is loosing, etc.

I looked at the point today, and I realized that there are many people benefitting from the chickens that I care for. This benefit has no monetary implications for me; there are no rewards, though I can see, that what I do gives people nourishing and healthy eggs. Further, I take pressure of the actual owner of the chickens, as she does not have to give as much time and energy into caring for them. Moreover, it is actually supportive for me on a physical level to be outside, breathe some fresh air, and move my physical body around.

Hence, what I can see is that there are many positive effects flowing from my participation. And the experience I have of unfairness, well, it is just that, an experience, and it has no physical standing – because what does unfair really mean? That it feels as if everything is not equal for everyone? Why should it be exactly the same for everyone? We all have different schedules, different preferences, and different lives; hence, it is obvious that all things cannot be exactly the same for everyone.

Instead of looking at the experience of unfairness, what I should instead look at is physical, practical, cons that flow from this current setup. And here I can only see one, that I loose time. But time is something I do have, and caring for the chickens’ causes no buildup of pressure, and time constraint in my life – I have the opportunity to clean the chicken coupe without detrimental effects. And that means, that the only negative of this setup, is that it feels unfair, and as if I am being used – there is actually no real physical con.

This is a cool example of how something that feels like a big problem, in reality is no problem – and how it is easy to be fooled by the emotions of the mind when making decisions – believing that only because there is a emotion coming up, and this emotion is very intense, that it must mean that what the emotion is conveying is correct. A rule of thumb should thus be to wait with making any decisions until all emotions have been cleared – and the real, physical pros and cons of the decision have been established.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am facing a conflict within me, to place my focus on what I feel, instead of looking at the practical pros and cons of the situation, to look at what is a problem here in this physical reality, and not on what I feel is a problem in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that unfairness, and something not being just, are not acceptable reasons for deciding to not do something, because unfairness and injustice, both of these points are mental, meaning that they exist separately from this physical reality, and have no connection to what is needed, and what is best on a physical level – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain in the physical through looking at the physical pros and cons of a particular decision that I am facing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that it is unfair that I have to clean the chicken coupe even though I do not own the chickens, and I do not get to take part of all the perks of being the owner of the chickens, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in the idea/experience of ownership, and control, and make that point more relevant, and prevalent in my mind, than looking at what the actual benefits are of my participation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with and as backchat of how I feel that I am being used for the benefit of someone else, and that I am not getting to, or receiving all the perks that I see/feel someone else is, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my focus and attention on this point of unfairness, and enlarge it in my mind, to such an extent that I cannot anymore see the benefits flowing from the point, and where it is all about how I feel that it is unfair, how I feel that it is not equal, and that it is not good, and that it should be different

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be content with assisting and supporting a point in my life because I see that it is of benefit to others, and understanding that I do not need some form of leadership position, I do not need some form of special position, I do not need all the perks, what I require is that the physical pros of a point exceeds the cons, because when that is the case, it is best for all the apply myself in relation to the point, and when something is best for all, that is all the reason I need to get going

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that the solution is, to instead of thinking about, looking at whether the point is fair or not, to look at whether the point is best for all or not, because when a point is best for all, benefitting me as well as others, well, then there is no reason why I shouldn’t push myself and walk the point, and then it doesn’t matter who is in charge, who owns what, and what is where, because the point I am participating within will have a positive outflow effect unto others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is what it means to participate and live this life without ego, to be able to walk in this world and look at all points from a starting point of seeing whether it is best for all or not, and acting according to that, hence, not looking at points from within the question: ‘Does this serve me?’ – or – ‘Is this fair/just?’ – rather from the question: ‘Does this point support life’? – and if it does – there is sufficient reason to walk the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this not see, realize and understand, that when unfairness comes up within me, it is an indication that I have not yet established clearly my starting point, and that I have not yet looked at, considered whether the point that is before me is best for all, and whether there is as such a benefit in my walking/taking the point on – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not broaden my view, and way of looking at my life, and the points I participate within, to ask myself, is this best for all, does this support life, and is this supportive for me? And on the basis of the answer I receive on this question – ACT and move myself

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I am reacting in a emotion of unfairness, resentment, and feeling that something is unjust, because I have to help with something, or do more than another, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this unfairness exists within me because I have not yet established how I am in relation to the point that I am facing, I have not yet discerned where I stand, and thus I commit myself to ask, what the pros and cons of the point are, and if the pros outweigh the cons, to then make the decision to participate in the point, and do so unconditionally, because I see that it is best for all – and in this understand that unfairness is a limited concept not taking into account that what is best for all does not need to be fair or just

When and as I see that am reacting in a emotion of unfairness, resentment, and feeling like I have to do more than another, while it is another that gets the most out of it, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this experience is mental, that it is a concept based on a mental picture of my life, and not on the actual physical practicalities of my life, and thus I commit myself to bring myself back to what is practical, through asking myself: ‘Okay, what are the pros and cons of this point?’ – and within this look at whether the point is best for all – and in this I commit myself – to if the point is what is best for all – and I have the possibility to walk the point – to do it – and walk it unconditionally with no ego – instead understanding that I am contributing to what is best for all and within that need fairness, justice, or sameness is required

Day 214: Stress and Success

I’ve now for about a week been working with a stress-experience in relation to studies and work, due to this experience becoming too much – and I saw that I required acting and doing something about it.

Thus I listened to the Atlanteans interviews that covers this point of stress – great interviews for anyone facing a similar point. In this they share how to sound the self-forgiveness in order to break through and penetrate the stress energy – it’s a specific sound – though to get the details you’ll have to invest in the interview yourself.

Anyway, I’ve been playing and working with this sound – that briefly can be described as a decisive sound – and I’ve noticed how it’s a very effective tool to use for me to stabilize and enable myself to move through the stress reaction as it arise within. I’ve also seen that the stress-reaction doesn’t have anything to do with my environment, my job, or my studies in themselves – rather this reaction is merely a automated coping mechanism – it doesn’t serve any purpose at all in terms of actually getting things done, caring for my survival and creating my future.

Thus – it’s fascinating to see how I’ve relied on stress to drive me forward in life, and to be my motivation – and actually trusting stress to be a effective motivation for me to move – though stress is not needed to get things done. No – the only thing that is needed, is me making the decision, then walking the point – and when being free from stress and fear – this makes me much more capable of focusing and concentrating on the task at hand – and producing a quality result – instead of stressing through the point only to get it done – and in that doing it halfway.

When I don’t stress – but rather move through the point in breath – naturally and comfortably with my body – then time actually slows down and even though I move slower – I do get more things done. Obviously this goes to show the capacity of self-expression that opens up when we stop our mind – because then we’re able to bring our full awareness into reality and actually be HERE with what we are creating. That point of being HERE with the physical in the process of creation is what allows for real effectiveness to step forth – and this is something that can only happen without stress, without tension, without worry, and without fear – because it’s a natural state of being – it’s the physical body expressing itself at it’s fullest potential without any mind interference.

The quintessence of this blog and my realization is thus that – the less I stress – the more success I’ll have in my life.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as future projections of what I have to do – and in my mind play out the various tasks that I have before me – or that I think I should do – in I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate such tasks and points with stress and go into stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stressed when and as I have things – tasks before me that I require to handle – direct and walk through – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am saving time through going into stress – and that through stressing and moving myself in this stress I will be able to get more things done – and I will do the things that I require attention and thus secure my survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate taking care of my survival within this world with stress – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stressed when and as I involved with my studies, or my work – or any other point in relation to creating a future for myself in this world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move and motivate myself with stress – not seeing, realizing and understanding that I don’t in-fact need stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I don’t need or require stress to create myself, my future and my life in this world – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that without stress I’d have no willpower and no momentum to create myself – and that I would just slack and slouch – and loose my movement and direction – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate movement and direction with and as stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy my parents – and the way they moved and directed themselves in their lives – where they moved themselves with stress – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the point of moving myself with stress – of believing that the only way to get things done fast – effectively – and specifically is through utilizing stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself too when I plan my day – and look at the tasks I’ve before me – and that I require to complete and move myself through – to go into stress – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate planning my day – structuring and sectionalizing my day with stress – and believe that to be effective and specific with time I require to be stressed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can move and direct myself through my life – create myself and my future – plan my day and my time – utilize my moments throughout the day effectively without giving into stress – without using stress as a fuel for me to move forward in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to stand as momentum and drive to create myself and my future – to create my life – and see, realize and understand that the only thing I need is making a decision – deciding what I am going to do and then doing it

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I go into stress as I am about to start my day, or begin with my studies, or go to work, or plan my day – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand how it’s in no way needed for me to stress in order to effectively walk my day – structure my responsibilities – and define what I require to do and then plan my day accordingly – all I need and require to do that is myself – and making a decision about what I am going to do – and then walking that decision; thus I commit myself to change stress – into seeing what there is I require to do – then making a decision to walk the point and do it without any experience of stress – rather simply doing it

When and as I see that I am going into stress, because I think that there are many points ahead of me that I require to direct, and walk through, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that there is no need or requirement for me to stress in order to get done what I require to get done – and thus a more common sense direction would be to prioritize what I must do – then plan my time so that I can practically walk through and direct the points – and make sure that I have enough time to walk the points with quality – and thus I commit myself to practically look at the time at my disposal – and prioritize my tasks – and then walk them one by one in breath – and not stress about what I’ve not done – but rather be here and do what it is that I am doing here – thus placing my focus and attention on what I am creating and shaping here as my life

Day 150: Horrible, Horrible Creases

Another day at my work, and today I went into an paranoia in relation to having creases in my shirt, and what my colleagues would think about that. Several times I found myself looking at my shirt, or tucking in my shirt, or fiddling with my shirt, just to make it look more flat – and the basic fear of this point was: MONEY.

And I am noticing this about my fears, that they are almost every time in some type of relationship with money, wherein the most prominent point is the fear of loosing money – and my guess is that this is what most of humanity fears as well – loosing money.

I’ve opened up and walked this point before, yet here I am facing a new dimension of the point – the office setting – and me feeling that I am constantly being judged, analyzed and evaluated by my co-workers in regards to whether I am doing good or not – the fascinating point is that my co-workers at this particular job are actually very relaxed, helpful, and understanding – they know that I am new, and accordingly they don’t expect great things from me – instead they show me how the work is done, and assist and support in guiding me to the right conclusions. Thus, this mind-point is completely imaginary, and it only exists within and as my mind – there is really nothing to fear about me not performing as effectively as I think and perceive that I should perform.

Thus, I realize how fear is self-compromising, and how it leads me into a state of mind where I don’t appreciate my body, my breath, and the physical as it exists here – in-fact – I am not even aware of it – because everything that seemingly matter is my fear – my experience.

Another point that I noticed, was that I became hard on myself, disappointed, that I had this fear experience, because in my mind, I’d concluded that I was done with this fear point, I’d transcended and walked through it, and there wasn’t anything more to be done – yet – here the fear is again and I am still becoming possessed by it; yet – this is simply another aspect of the fear that I hadn’t yet considered, and that I am facing now, because I am walking into a new aspect and part of my life – so thus – I see that I must be patient with myself and walk through this fear, and let go of this particular dimension of the point – and as such not accept and allow myself to go into depression and apathy because I didn’t get it immediately – rather – move on – push on – and walk the necessary process to be walked – until it’s done.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and anxiety that my co-workers are going to judge my shirt as being creasy, and thus judge me as a person that doesn’t effectively care for his body, and within that draw conclusions about me that I am not to be trusted, that I am not to be recognized, and that I am not someone that is supposed to be in that particular environment – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others are going to judge me and that this will cause me to in the end loose money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience it as if I am constantly being watched, constantly being evaluated, and constantly being analyzed, and that my value, and my status, and my position is at stake in every moment, and that I thus must make sure that I push myself to the fullest of my abilities, to not in anyway be seen by others as being inferior, or not fitting in, or being strong enough – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as fear, and anxiety, and exist in this fear and anxiety, perpetually, and constantly, and feel that I am standing on a scene, where I require to impress others in my world, instead of accepting and allowing myself to stop competing, to stop attempting and trying to survive through fear, and instead trusting myself in each and every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as if I am standing on a stage where each and every move that I make, each and every sound that I make, each and everything that I say or do, that this is going to be used against me, and that I am going to be attacked, and vilified, and loose my position the moment I make a mistake, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that in essence, the origin of this fear is that I don’t trust myself – and that I don’t feel and believe that I am able to handle myself in this world – and that there is somehow some grave mistake about all of me – and that I have thus no chance in hell to walk through this lifetime effectively and specifically

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as fear, anxiety and worry in regards to my future career, and how that will play out, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a perpetual state of fear, and worry, wherein I feel and experience that each moment is a test where my ability to survive is measured – and that I as such require to fight through my life, I require to fight through moments, I require to fight through my existence and make sure that I better myself and become the absolute best that I can be – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am in-fact limiting myself, and holding myself back, because I am not accepting and allowing myself to walk in self-trust – to realize that there exist such a point within me where I trust myself – I depend on myself – I rely on myself – and I am able to stand with myself into infinity – beyond death – and there exist as such no fear of death because I know that I will stand by myself regardless of what I will face in this life or the hereafter

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as fear, anxiety, worry and concern, and believe that I can only survive and make it through in this world, and in this lifetime through moving myself within and as fear, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is another way to move myself, and that I can move, direct, and will myself through this lifetime, within and as self-trust, within and as self-movement, wherein fear is not what drives me, but I drive, motivate, and move myself – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move, drive, and motivate myself, and within this accept and allow myself to stand, and walk this lifetime without fear, but instead upon the basis of common sense, and what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself, and hold myself back when fear takes over, and that fear makes my life unnecessary to live, because what is the point of walking through an entire lifetime, if all that I do is following my fears? It would mean that I haven’t ever followed through on myself, followed through on what I see is relevant, and effective, and what I see it is that I am able to do and walk effectively in this world and express myself within and as – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself, to move and direct myself in each moment of breath according to what is best for all, and according to what I am able to see supports me, and supports those around me, and thus live as a beacon of life, and a beacon of expression, instead as of a beacon of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into this new dimension and aspect of life, as working, from a starting point of fear, instead of accepting and allowing myself to explore and walk this new point from a starting point of self-expression, of self-enjoyment, of expanding myself and my capabilities and becoming more effective, more stable, and more directive in my expression and movement, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can’t accept and allow myself to anymore exist in fear, because it totally limits me and my potential, and consequently limits those around me, as they can’t take part of me in my full potential and see what it means to stand and live as an example of full potential – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have the opportunity in every moment of breath to stand up from this fear and directing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being myself, and fear trusting myself, in fear that if I walk my life in this way, I won’t get anything done, and I won’t manage to do anything with my life, and at the end of my life, as I stand before death, I will look back in disappointment and think that I could’ve done more, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that it’s totally counterintuitive to live in this way – that when I live in fear all my life become is fear and there is really no ME living to talk about; and as such I commit myself to practice living my life without fear in all ways – to make this my end goal – to have no form of fear in me whatsoever – so that I can make the most of my life and live every moment to its fullest potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that at the end of the day – living without fear will be a much more fulfilling life than living with fear – that really isn’t life at all – and as such I commit myself to LIVE and fulfill myself in living through walking out of fear – and supporting myself to breath through fear and stop the fear thoughts as they arise within me

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into fear that I am not producing a sufficiently effective result, and that I am not pleasing to others around me, and that really they are annoyed and irritated with my presence, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am in-fact limiting myself through going into this fear, and that to live fully – I can’t allow fear to exist within me in anyway whatsoever – and as such I commit myself to breathe and stop this fear – and bring myself back to and as my human physical body – and to stabilize myself here in breath and realize that this is what is real – breath is real – living physically is real – and that is what I must value and constantly have as my goal – and as such let go of these fear characters

I commit myself to LIVE and I realize that living can only exist when there is no fear – and as such I commit myself to let go of fear – and to walk this process practically – through immediately as a fear thought arise within me – to apply self-forgiveness and let it go – and utilize writing and self-forgiveness when I see that thoughts are accumulating and that I am not effectively directing them – to as such slowly but surely integrate myself into my full potential of living as living one and equal with and as my human physical body as this physical reality

Day 149: New Environment – Who Should I Be?

I have started a new job this summer – and its been interesting to get into and experience a new environment, particularly because its been triggering many latent mind-points which I’ve not paid attention to before.

The one primary experience that I’ve had while starting and working at this new job is that of fear and insecurity – I basically feel awkward with new people, and I am quite sure it has something to do with the experience I have, that I don’t really know my place so to speak – I don’t know who I should be in relation to others, what is acceptable to say, and what isn’t? How is it acceptable to act and behave and what ways aren’t?

On top of this I also feel a desire to achieve and impress my new colleagues as well as my boss. I want to show that I am an asset, that I am good at what I am doing, and that I am no loser, that is but deadweight on the organization. The consequence of this is that I can’t be myself, and I find myself going into fear of asking questions, or discussing points in relation to work, because I worry about how they are going to interpret and see me, and all of this leads to self-compromise, and that I do not learn, integrate and take in as much of the environment, the work, and my responsibilities within that as possible – something that I would’ve been able to do far more effectively if I’d been stable, breathing and silent – moving here with my body and integrating without any mental expectations and ideas in regards to what it is that I am doing.

Thus, todays blog I will dedicate to walking self-forgiveness on this point, and I will also write out self-commitment statements that I can live at work in order to support myself to stabilize, so that I can enjoy and be effective at my work.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear that I will not please others, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t appear perfect, and effective, and good at what I am doing at my work, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as inferiority, and feeling less than, because I believe that I require to be something more than myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and hide myself while I am at work, in believing that there is something wrong with the natural expression of me, and that I as such require to put it away far back into my mind, and present a more clean, and likable façade outwards, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that its an idea that I have, that apparently, my natural expression is dirty, and bad, and should be suppressed, not seeing, realizing and understanding that there is obviously nothing wrong with my natural, flowing, me-expression, but that its simply a expression, a natural physical movement, that isn’t wrong, or bad, but simply natural – and within this natural movement of myself I can interact and walk my responsibilities equally effectively, if not more effectively than what I could existing in a state of mind as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being less than others, and then believe that I require to present a picture perfect façade of being confident, strong, and decisive to others, thinking that unless I do this, there is something wrong with me, and there is something I am not doing as I should, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am within holding unto this idea in-fact limiting myself, and holding myself back from being effective at work, because its obvious that when I let go of my character of fear, I can instead focus upon what is real, what is here, and what is of actual importance and relevance, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take breath and let this character go as it comes up, and instead be here, relaxed, at ease, and comfortable with my human physical body, and simply express myself naturally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am something which I am not in the hope to be recognized and approved by others, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be recognized, and approved by others, in the belief that this will stabilize me and my world, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that only I can stabilize my own world, and that this must be done through my own decision, and movement, and that I can’t be given this by someone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to get recognition, and get approval from others, in the belief that this is something they are able to give to me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that at the end of the day, I am only able to give to myself recognition and approval, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, to let go of this drive within to have others like me, and appreciate me, and instead give myself the gift of liking and appreciating myself, and realizing that this is sufficient, and that I do not need anyone else, or anyone more to like, and appreciate, and consider, and be nice to me – I can do this for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am interacting with someone in a conversation, or in some other way, to then have it as my starting point that I am inferior and must get up to the same level as them, through making sure that they like me, so in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not approach situations and moments as an equal, to not approach people in my world as an equal, seeing, realizing and understand that in the flesh – we are in-fact equal – and that its only the processes of the mind that creates the illusion that there is some form of hierarchy that separates us – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus on bringing myself back to my body – back to my physical breath – back to my physical stability – and participate from within and as a starting point of equality and oneness – from within and as breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as anxiety, fear, worry and concern that I will not produce sufficient results for others to take a liking in me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to like me because of the results I produce, and want them to be nice to me, so that I won’t feel isolated, or left out, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move, and motivate myself from within and as a fear, and anxiety of being left out and isolated, instead of approaching each situation, and each moment, as a equal, as a equal individual that is here in the flesh and that is thus neither more neither less

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see that I go into fear, anxiety or inferiority towards others, and I am starting to look for some way in which I can impress others or get them to like me, I stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that I am through living out this character compromising myself, and that all that is required for me to change this, is a shift in my awareness, a shift back into my physical, and as such I commit myself to bring myself back here – and practice interacting, talking, being with, and working with others as a physical equal and one human physical being – that is not mind-driven – but rather driven through and as a purely physical motivation

When and as I see that I am going into fear of talking with others, or expressing myself with others, because I perceive another to be in a higher hierarchy in comparison to me, and thus worth more than me, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that I am in-fact compromising myself through going into this fear, and that there is another way to live, where I can express as an equal, and be in the system, but not of the system – and as such I commit myself to practice in the physical approach moments, and situations as an equal – through breathing in and out – and relaxing my physical bodyletting go of tensions – and then expressing myself naturally and comfortable – without inhibitions or worries as to how others interpret or see me

2012 The Working-Man-Anxiety-Character

Writing:

Since I’ve begun to work regularly and for long hours, I’ve begun to notice a pattern of anxiety emerge within me. This pattern is in-fact within me, and there all the time as I work, yet I do not really experience, and feel to what extent that this pattern in-fact possess me, until I go to bed at night. Because I’ve noticed that, I will wake up in the middle of the night, check what time it is – to be certain that I will not miss my work – or I will be in the middle of a half-awake – half-asleep – dream – wherein I’ve lost something at my work, and I must find it. I will then sit up in my bed, and look around in complete anxiety as I try to find this lost thing, and then after a while I will realize that – oh – I am only in my bed, and I am not really at my work.

This reveals that my main-personality while working is the anxiety-personality – and more specifically – the fear of doing wrong, and facing consequences character – wherein the ultimate consequence that I obviously fear – is that I will loose my job, and consequently loose my ability to earn an income for myself.

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Laughing and Letting Go

So, yesterday I went to buy a protection thing to my grass trimmer. As I entered into the store, firstly, I felt quite uncomfortable when the man mentioned my presence as,  ‘the one with the book’ – and asked my ‘why I read so much?’. Though, I was close to compromise myself and in this moment go into a possession of attempting to be acceptable to another – I breathed and I let go of that tenseness that became overwhelming in that moment.

In the next moment I was discussing with the man about the protective gear – it turned out that I already had cool gear at home. I asked him to assist me in confirming this through showing me the gear he had, so I could compare it to the one I had. I did this and I found out that – indeed – I had cool gear at home. When this was revealed I began to laugh, and the man said, ‘You’ve come here twice and gone home with nothing at all’. It was in this moment that I became intensely uncomfortable, as I laughed. I walked past a man as I laughed and was gripped with a fear and a nervousness – I experienced a doubt as to if I should look at him or not – as I walked past I turned my head down towards the ground and slouched my neck – I saw this as a point of hiding myself, and a point of inferiority.

So the question is – what was it that really happened? Why did I experience these things? I mean, maybe why is a unnecessary question – I did experience these things – as a physical uncomfortable experience of myself. It was all based in fear, that I am certain of – so instead of attempting to figure out – the best thing that I can do is to deal with it through self-forgiveness.

1.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I am laughing

2.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of letting go and laugh close to people

3.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be up-tight around people and fear letting go – fear accepting and allowing myself to enjoy myself

4.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having fun and being one and equal here in a moment – physically close to another

5.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being abused if I laugh, to fear being attacked if I laugh, to fear that I am going to become hurt when I laugh

6.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others will become jealous at me when they see I appreciate and enjoy myself – in fear that they will abuse me and attack me

7.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loving myself and showing to others that I love myself – in fear that they will become jealous and angry and attack me

8.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting others

9.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others think that I am weak and not good enough – to think that others consider me as strange and stupid

10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others consider me as inferior to them

11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accepting and allowing myself to let go and be here – to fear that if I accept and allow myself to let go and be here – that other’s will use this to their advantage and find points of weakness in me and attack me

12. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being up-tight, to fear not being ready and prepared at all times to be abused, so that I can protect myself through always having control as to the picture I present to the world

13. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not always having control of how I present myself to the world

14. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear laughing in fear that I won’t be able to control how I am seen by others – how others feel when they hear me laugh and when they see me laugh

15. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of control – to fear letting go of up-tightness and always trying to make sure that I am in control and know what is going to be happen in the next moment

16. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be in control – to make sure that I know how others are going to act towards me – what others are going to say towards me – what others are going to think towards me and feel towards me – instead of accepting and allowing myself to let go and share myself unconditionally in this moment

17. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing myself – in fear that nobody will like me

18. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear opening myself up to another – in fear that they won’t like me

19. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being open and vulnerable to another – in fear that they are going to abuse me – and that they are not going to like me

20. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that another is going to find me to be stupid

21. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that another is going to see me as being feminine and weak when I share myself unconditionally – when I am vulnerable and open here

22. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being open and vulnerable – to fear accepting and allowing myself to enjoy the people in my reality – to appreciate the people in my reality – and express myself here as breath as equal and one

23. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being innocent

24. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of fear – to fear letting go of attempting to protect myself from my world – in the belief that my world can abuse and harm me

25. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my world can harm me – can abuse me – can destroy me – when I share myself here as breath – as openness – as vulnerability – as innocence

26. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being real – to fear caring about myself and another as myself – to fear being intimate with another

27. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being close to another – to fear being intimate and real with another – to fear showing myself without any masks – without any role – and without protecting myself

28. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to become abused when I show myself without any masks – without any protection – without any attempt to be anything more or less than me here as breath

29. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not looking male

30. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that males will think that I am gay – or weak – or stupid – when I share myself as vulnerability – as innocence – as here as breath

31. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go in fear that I will loose myself

32. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accepting and allowing myself to trust myself – in fear that I will loose myself

33. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accepting and allowing myself to see another – to stand equal with another in this moment – to stand without any separation with myself – equal as here as breath in a moment shared with another

34. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear laughing for real

35. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing who I am towards another – to fear showing the real me – and not hide behind a show

36. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting to know another – to fear being real towards another and opening myself up – sharing myself unconditionally – without any walls with another

37. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself and isolate myself petrified of being abused

38. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be petrified towards being abused

39. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be petrified towards being harmed or attacked by another

40. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and become petrifaction

I am here

I accept and allow myself to live vulnerability, openness, sharing, and innocence

I share myself here as breathe with no walls – with no role – with no masks – I am here open – vulnerable – clear

I accept and allow myself to live with no fear

I do not accept and allow myself to separate myself from this moment – from others – in fear of being abused or harmed –as I realize I can’t be abused or harmed – as such I share myself here as equality – I accept and allow myself to be intimate with others

I am self-intimacy

I accept and allow myself to experience and live intimacy with others and myself as myself

I let go and accept and allow myself to trust myself in the moment – stop worrying – stop fearing – and instead breathe and trust myself here