Tag Archives: learn

Day 410: Learning Empathy

These recent days I have been exploring the words empathy and compassion. In my line of work, it is both a strength and a weakness to have empathy. On the one hand – empathy is what allows me to stand in the shoes of another and truly experience their position – and when I do – that motivates me to do what is needed to support them to sort out their situation. On the other hand – too much empathy can create stress and a tendency of being overbearingly responsible – where I place too much burden on me to sort things out. Another problem is when we define empathy in the sense of taking on the emotions and feelings of another – making our ‘feel’ for the other person energetic. That can cause to make stupid decisions – as action driven by energy usually means that we do something without sufficient consideration.

Thus – there it is a balance and a skill to be empathic – empathic in the sense of feeling for another, yet at the same time keeping distance, and keeping once cool – remembering that I have my own process and they have their own – and at the end of the day – they are responsible for their life. And thus – the point is not to become overwhelmed with feeling bad for another – it is rather to understand them and see where they are at. That allows me to step in and take the direction that is best for all.

I have had difficulty implementing the word empathy because I am by nature introverted. In conversations I tend to keep my focus directed inwardly – and hence it is not easy seeing the small movements that occur in the face and body language of another. And being attentive to those aspects – that is a key in living empathy. If my focus is only on myself then I will miss the signs someone is sending me that indicates to me how they feel – and no energy will be given to actively place myself in their shoes to envision for myself how it would be like for me if I would be them. Thus for me – empathy takes effort – it is not something that naturally occurs within me.

And it is not strange that empathy does not come natural to me – if I look at my education as I grew up – there was very seldom anyone sitting down with me to share the basics of how to live and apply empathy – and in school it was never mentioned. Somehow – parents believe that their children should just understand what it means to be empathic and then proceed to live it. Though – then we miss the fact that empathy is a technique – it is not a characteristic. While the reason as to why we should apply empathy has more to do with our sense of equality – the actual application of standing in the shoes of another is technical – we use our mind to place ourselves in the experience of another. In our current education system we have a serious deficit when it comes to showing kids how to put into practice spiritual techniques that will empower them and their peers. We take it for granted that our children will developed spiritually when they are fed with information about the world and other people – and we somehow believe that everyone will turn out pretty much okay at the end of the day. And that is a mistake which we now have to undo as adults by relearning the basic techniques required to create an effective social environment.

The way I see it – empathy consists of a couple of ingredients, which are the following: 1) Receptivity 2) Sensitivity 3) Imagination. Thus – in order to apply empathy we have to firstly be receptive and take in our environment. We must be open and vulnerable and allow us to see people and events without judgments, preconceived ideas or morality. If we judge what is here, empathy will be difficult to conjure – because through judgment we put ourselves in a state of superiority – on a pedestal – and to access empathy we need to stand as an equal.

Sensitivity has to do with our ability to be in touch with our environment. To put ourselves in the shoes of another we have to be able to notice the details and allow ourselves to feel the moment – and that means we have to let ourselves go. Sensitivity thus is about letting go to fully experience what is here – and not try to rationalize, theorize or observe – it about feeling reality. And if we do not allow ourselves to go there – empathy will only ever be a thought-experiment and not an actual understanding of the experience of another.

Thirdly, imagination. Sometimes empathy can be difficult because we have no reference points. An example would be war and refugees. How can I empathize with refugees and victims of war when I have absolutely no idea how it is to be in such a position? I have grown up in a safe country with constant access to the basic necessities of life – I have been protected. Am I then even able to understand what it is like to have your home blown to pieces, parts of your family killed, and then having to leave your home country for life? The only way for me to come close is to use my imagination – and also to look for similar experiences in my own life. That way I am able to get somewhat of a understanding as to what another has gone or is going through. And applying this step usually takes some time. In order to realistically imagine something – it requires a bit of effort – because what is easy to forget is the details of the experience.

These are the ingredients that I use when I apply empathy in my life – a skill that I am still practicing and that I have had great use of so far both in my personal and professional life. From my perspective – I think that life on earth would improve greatly if more people started practicing and applying empathy in their daily life.


 

Day 340: Acceptance

Acceptance, generally speaking parents tend to teach children that this is something to be found externally. And sure, in some aspect they are correct, in the sense that our environment can either accept or reject us. The question however, is whether this form of acceptance that we try to win from people is real. What do I mean by real? With real, I mean that this acceptance is substantial, trustworthy, consistent, that it is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Obviously, it is clear that the acceptance we gain from people in our external environment is very much conditional, unpredictable and shallow. Not something that we should base our life upon at all.

Acceptance in society is based upon keeping in line with and following certain norms and rules, written and unwritten, and when we do that, we will usually be accepted. However, acceptance is unpredictable, because norms change, an action, even though performed with the intention of being in line with the norms, can be perceived by others differently. Hence, defining self-acceptance in relation to others is a bad idea. If we accept and allow our acceptance of ourselves to be defined by something that is separate from ourselves, we will always be a slave to that point. The solution is unconditional self-acceptance.

Now, an interesting point to look deeper into is WHY we do not accept ourselves, but rather pursue an acceptance out there. What I have found for myself is that this issue is caused by a lack of self-value. I have as such not seen myself as being valuable and worthy enough to accept myself, and that hence, to get a sufficient amount of acceptance, I must be accepted out there as well. This is interesting, because this experience indicates that I perceive others to be more valuable, that obviously begs the question WHY? How come I do not see myself as having an equal value to others? How come I believe that the best possible road ahead would be to follow and do what everyone else is doing? Where does this pattern come from?

If we go back and look at our childhood, a common theme is that we as children are not seen as good enough to make our own decisions. Parents constantly meddles with our lives and independence, and very few children are ever allowed to explore this world by their own volition. This creates a conflict within us as young, because in-fact, as children, even though we might look and think differently, we are still very much clear and aware of ourselves and our life. We know what we want, what is good for us, what is bad for us, and who we are. However, that awareness is mostly disregarded and shunned by the adult world, simply because we are children. For me, I can see that this experience, and conflict, of continuously being told to shut up and listen to those that ‘know’ has stuck with me into adult life, and now, it is a more general experience of not valuing myself, and hence, not seeing myself as having the authority to accept myself.

What is the solution to this problem?

Accepting myself is a decision that I can make, and I clearly see that I have the value and authority to make that decision. And in-fact, that authority comes by virtue of being alive, aware, and able to create. I can make a decision as to what words that I am going to live, and there is no valid reason as to why I should not accept myself.

How can acceptance then be lived practically?

An inspiration for me when it comes to living acceptance practically is animals. They are unconditional, and regardless of what they are going, they never look to anyone else for acceptance. Animals do not have peers that they become influenced by, they stand alone, within their own expression, and stick with that, seeing the world without distractions, seeing it purely from within themselves.

Thus, for myself, I see that I can apply acceptance through not comparing myself with others, and stopping that process of thinking, where I look at myself, and something I have done, through how I believe that I look in the eyes of others. Instead of comparing myself, and placing my focus on others, I will push myself to bring my attention back HERE – and ask myself – WHO AM I within all of this? HOW DO I want to experience myself within all of this?

And another point that is also important and that I must remind myself of – is that acceptance is a decision. Self-acceptance is not something that will simply come one day, it is a decision made here, a word that is lived and applied HERE, a process of creation walked in the moment – and thus it is completely up to me whether I enable myself to live self-acceptance or not.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not valuable enough to decide that I will accept myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not know how to accept myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot accept myself because acceptance must come from the outside

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-acceptance does not exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nice to others and be compliant to be accepted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to comply, yield and give in, and change myself, so that I will be accepted by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to comply, yield, and give in, and change myself, so that I will be accepted and liked by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself, and immediately try to please others without looking within, as to whether it is something I want to do, or that I am able to do, because I fear not being accepted by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes, and judge myself for making mistakes, because I believe others judge me, and others do not accept me anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disappointing or vexing another by not agreeing with them, or by showing them that I have done what they expected of me to do, and thus lie in order to make sure that I am still accepted by them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define acceptance as more than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that acceptance is something that must be given to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-acceptance is something that will come by me being liked by others and accepted in my environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-acceptance is something that I must gain by being nice and having many friends and a stable life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-acceptance is something that I get through my job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-acceptance is something that I get through having money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a mental and emotional melt-down the moment when I believe/think that people are against me – that they are seeing me as a burden and as someone that compromise their physical living

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself searching for self-acceptance in my external reality, I take a breath, I stop myself and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand, that self-acceptance is something that I must create here by myself – and that I cannot ever get this through acquiring the liking of others – thus I commit myself to trust myself – to actively develop self-acceptance through stopping judgment and practicing understanding myself and finding solutions to problems

I commit myself to find solutions that problems and issues that I face – to not judge myself – but instead look at what I can do to change the problem and to find a way forward where I learn and expand and take something with me


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Day 314: When Work Does Not Go Very Well

Some posts ago I wrote about being calm and stable in relation to work and learning to embrace failures, mistakes, fuck-ups, and other unwanted, negative occurrences in my job. Today, I had the perfect opportunity to observe this point in action. I do not need to give more context than the fact that I made a BIG MISTAKE at work – and people got upset, worried and nervous – yet – still – even though my world was seemingly shaky – deep inside of myself I experienced a calm.

Where did this calm come from? It came from knowing and understanding how reality operates, that in learning a new trade, there will be mistakes, and in walking day-to-day living, there will be unforeseen and unwanted outflows – they can be minimized through practice, presence, thoughtfulness, and discipline – but they cannot be removed – as long as we live in a physical reality with a myriad of dimensions, most of them unknown to us, moving and interacting at the same time, things will happen that we cannot control and today, such a point manifested.

Instead of going into a reaction, instead of judging myself, instead of becoming worried, fearful, and nervous, I took a breath, and I looked at the point objectively – and what I have seen to be so important when it comes to living calm is the skill of retaining perspective on things. And with perspective I mean the following: It is so easy to exaggerate and blow things out of proportion – we make a mistake and we feel awful about it – though in the grand scheme of things – it is only one bad day that eventually will become but a memory – that we might even laugh at and enjoy later on – because WOW what a fucking mistake we made!

I find that old people are generally better at approaching mistakes with light heart, probably because they have seen so much shit, walked through so many mistakes, and experienced so many negative occurrences, that they are just used to it; hence – they have perspective on things. I am however still young, so I have not accumulated that amount of experience, but it does not stop me from creating perspective in me when things go wrong. The solution I apply is that I ask myself: How bad will this look in fifty years? And the answer I get is that – I will probably be dead at that time or at least – not remember ANYTHING of what happened. Thus, fretting and worrying over mistakes is a WASTE OF MY TIME.

Though, that being said, mistakes are also a gold mine, because for each mistake, there is something that can be learned. For example, a couple of days ago I made the mistake of forgetting a task that I had committed to take on. Instead of becoming worried about it, I asked myself: What can I learn from this? And I saw that when it came to remembering duties, and directing responsibilities, an effective rule of thumb is to either act immediately and get it done when the point is here, or immediately take a physical note, and make sure that I get back to the point later on. Applying this rule of thumb I can avoid having to face a future moment where I again forget something, and thus, I can create a positive physical outflow for myself, that will become more than a memory, but actually a gift in my life, and something that will assist and support me to expand.

To summarize: Mistakes will happen and usually we exaggerate and overreact – AND – mistakes can be used as LEARNING POINTS – and as a motivation to push ourselves to expand – consider more dimensions – develop skills and abilities – and become more effective at what we do.

Hence, when a mistake enters into our world – what we should say is: Cool! A mistake! Let me see what I can learn here!


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Day 311: Inspired to Calm Down!

At my job, I find it interesting, that the people with the most responsibility are often those that have a significantly laid back and relaxed attitude. Or, at least this is the case where I am working, and it is one person particularly that lives the words calm/relaxed. He is fascinating to observe and I see that I can learn a lot from him in terms of how to approach work.

For example, I have never seen him stress, or walk fast through the corridors and each day he takes time to talk with his co-workers. He seems to be enjoying life and is not stuck up, stressed, or anxious about his work. I on the other hand, I often experience anxiety and stress when I am in the midst of working. It has become a habit to work in a particular pace, to do things ‘fast’ and ‘efficiently’ – and while this is cool in certain areas of life – other areas require pondering, prudence, patience – and all of those words have a relationship to CALM and RELAXED. Because, how can you ponder something, if you are already rushing to the ‘solution’? And how can you be patient if you have already moved to act? And how can you be prudent if you do not take time to look at things, investigate, introspect?

Recently I have had this insight open up within me: What is it that I am working so hard towards? Where is it that I am trying to go? When will I ever be satisfied and relaxed with where I am at? And I could see that I will never be relaxed, satisfied and at peace unless I make the decision to LIVE those words in my life. And I will never be content and calm with the way things are moving unless I make the decision to LIVE those words. Hence, it is a complete illusion that I can apparently achieve calm, relaxation, and some form of future fulfillment through working ‘hard’ now – running and racing towards a specific outcome in the future – it is not real! However, what is real, is what I have here now. And what I do have is a job that I enjoy, it is challenging and interesting, and it offers me much opportunity for expansion. Though, if I never accept and allow myself to slow down, to relax, and allow myself to be calm, then I will not be able to fully SMELL THE ROSES and ENJOY what is here now – and FULLY live and participate with what is here now.

This what I have described, I will call the racing-character – because this pattern has the resonance of trying to get somewhere – fast – efficiently – NOW – to achieve something so that I then – at some point – can relax and let go; a COMPLETE illusion and falsity.

Another characteristic that I see in my colleague is that he is relaxed about mistakes, about things going wrong, and not working out, when it does, he looks for a solution, and then he moves on. And this I also see as being a characteristic of calm, because when I am calm, mistakes are not that bad, as there is sufficient with time for me to look for a solution, to learn from the mistake, and then to move on.

So, how can I live the word calm in my life, what can I learn from my colleague?

To not be so serious, to face problems and issues with a light heart, look for solutions, learn from mistakes, and not make it a process involving fear, anxiety and stress – AND – to not stress and rush to achieve a specific outcome. I find it is cool to have goals, because this makes it easier to make decisions, though that goal must never take away focus from life HERE and the point of WHO I AM within what I do. In-fact, it is possible to live such words as calm, satisfaction, ease, and relaxed, while at the same time, with discipline and direction, moving myself to create a goal/result that I would like to see in my life – the words are not mutually exclusive.

Hence, I commit myself to practice, for the coming days, to apply these words in my work, and in particular when it comes to being hard on myself for mistakes that I do, and becoming stressed and anxious about creating a particular result in certain frame of time – instead I will push myself to walk my life in CALM – and utilize my colleague as a inspiration.

Day 308: The Art of Becoming Inspired

Do you feel inspired? Do you sometimes look at people in your world, amazed at how they can express themselves, and from that start practicing that expression yourself? Do you get inspired by the words of others? So inspired that you decide to go and write a blog about the subject, just so you can expand and develop the concept and perspectives even further?

I would say that most people do not allow themselves to be sufficiently inspired by the life that is around them every day. What I have noticed is that we tend to make our daily living a routine, and the people in our environment but roles that play a part in the show called ‘our life’. We consider our weekdays and the job we have to do boring, a chore, something we have to do so we can do what we enjoy, so how can we then be inspired? What is there to inspire us? And why should we become inspired by having to wake up to face another day and do the same thing as the day before?

Does this reasoning sound familiar? I myself have had, and to some extent still do have this way of looking at parts of my life. For example, my job and the colleagues interact with on a daily basis, this environment I defined as being my ‘work’ – and apparently – when I am at office – I work – and that is the only thing I can do. And I have thought that, because work is something I do for my survival, I cannot possibly make anything more out of it than that; I just have to suffer through the time and get it done. Though I have realized that this is a very, very limiting way of considering work – and for that matter – it is very, very limiting to create any form of rigid idea and concept in relation to a particular environment, role or position that we interact within on a regular basis.

Hence, what I have done to create inspiration in my life, is to push myself to be inspired. The sound of the word inspired is IN-SPY-READ – and in context of being inspired by people – this is basically SPYING on others and READING them to see their skills, abilities and expressions and then – make them my own. What I have realized is that becoming inspired is not something that just happens by itself. As a matter of fact I have had to sit down with myself to take a look at the people in my world, for example my colleagues, to see what particular expressions/words they are living. Only when I did this did it become apparent to me that there were things I had missed in my colleagues, I had not seen their individual expressions and strength’s – because I had existed in my idea of work as only being WORK. However, work can be so much more, it can be an environment of inspiration, through me allowing and pushing myself to be inspired by others. And this goes to prove one thing. It is not about where you are, what you are, when you are – it is about WHO YOU ARE.

Hence, what I want to share with this blog is that there is always room for expansion, regardless of environment. Whether we are working, whether we are with our family, whether we are hanging out with friends, the moment we interact with people, there is a opportunity to become inspired – to see another and learn. We do not have to limit learning to school, or expansion and inspiration as a thing we can only pursue in our leisure time. We are the creators, we define the playing field, we decide what our job is to be, what the relationship with our colleagues means, and we decide to get inspired.

As such, do not wait for inspiration, because it arises far to seldom. If we want to live a inspirational life, we must push ourselves to be inspired – notice the moments when we are touched, when we see the potential for expansion and creation – and ACT on those moments – put words to it – write a blog or do a vlog. That is how we bring INSPIRATION into our lives as a decision.

 

Day 293: Being Social and Outgoing

Being social and outgoing, for some that might be easy, for others, me included, it is difficult and oftentimes something connected with resistance and insecurity. For me, I have felt comfortable standing more in the background when it comes to social interactions, and especially in group contexts. My preference have been, and still is, to interact with, and get to know people on a one on one basis and move forward in a slow tempo. However, in this world, that type of interaction is many times not possible, and in the professional world, we are many times expected to be outgoing, social, look happy, and pleasant. And unfortunately, we tend to judge on the basis of first impression, and then create our relationship with each other on the basis of that, instead of getting to know the other individual on a more deep, and intimate level, which always takes time.

So, in the professional world, and generally speaking, creating relationships in the world system demands that we develop and utilize the skill of creating a positive first impression. Not that much is required for a successful first impression, it is usually just being dressed properly, smiling, asking how the other person is doing. Though for me, this has been hard, because I feel like a sell out – because inside of me I am not really feeling/living that happiness/smile – or that real interest when I am asking how the other person is doing – it is currently an act made from a starting point of survival.

Now, I do see that there is a potential to change this interaction with other people, from being survival driven, to instead be self-driven – where the starting point is not ‘making a good impression’ – but rather sharing myself with another person in a moment – hence – giving of myself to another person in a moment through my words, my actions, and my behavior – showing to them that I am there with them in that moment and that I am meeting them – seeing them in that moment – recognizing them and allowing them into my world.

Thus, what must change within me is WHO I AM when approaching another person, and instead of being self-conscious, and worried about how the other person sees me, to instead be open, and comfortable, and sharing myself with the other person, giving that person a moment of my time where my presence and awareness is fully HERE – where they can feel that I am present – I am here – and that I am meeting them.

Why? Because that is how I would like another to meet me. I would like them to see me, and recognize me as an equal, and that they would take some time to get to know me, to ask me some questions, and open up a line of communication. There are very few people that are able to do this, and those few that are, I am immediately able to notice it in how I relax with them, and naturally open up in my expression – because I can see that they accept me and allow me to come into their world for a moment and take up their attention.

There is a potential to create these unconditional moments of meeting other people everyday in the world system. It is all a matter of how we define the relationship. If we label it as only being a professional relationship, then that is all it will ever be. If we however are open and unconditional, and we give of ourselves, maybe that relationship will develop in another direction. I have been able to see this for myself, where I have initially created a label for a relationship such as being professional, and then, as I have communicated more with the person, the relationship have changed, opened up, and become a lot more deep and intimate.

It is really cool what can develop if we are open, and if we give of ourselves through being present, here, aware, and make an effort to get to know others, communicate, see others, and recognize them for their skills, and unique potential. Though, it does not come by itself, as I mentioned, it requires effort and a push – especially if we have a tendency to withdraw – then there must be a daily pushing outwards until that point of unconditional giving in social situations is established.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change socialization, meeting new people, interacting, and speaking into a self-expression – a moment where I give of myself to another unconditionally – where I am present and aware as I for a moment meet another – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to corrupt this meeting of another human being into being only about survival, about fitting in, about being accepted – instead of seeing it as a moment of connecting with another universe and the opportunities such a connection can provide

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that every meeting with a new human being – is an opportunity to expand myself – and an opportunity for me to get to know someone else – to get a new and fresh look on life as I look on life through the eyes of someone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that in order to change my relationship with meeting new people, I will have to push through my comfort zones, and I will have to push the point of being HERE and OPEN and PARTICIPATE in the moment – pushing myself to be a part of the moment instead of withdrawing into myself and holding myself back in my zone of comfort

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that meeting another, and creating relationships is an opportunity for me to expand myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see relationships and meeting new people as a nuisance and as something that I do not particularly enjoy to do – yet something that I must force myself to do so that I am able to fit in – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change this to instead being ME – GIVING of myself – GIVING of myself as my self-expression – as my unique way of interacting with and looking at the world – and that I am as such able to assist and support others to expand equally as they are assisting and supporting me to expand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people based on first impression, to judge them on the basis of memories, and ideas of how people should behave, and to judge them on the basis of how I feel about them, not seeing, realizing and understanding that this judgment is not real – that it is an experience and not an actual knowing of the other person – and thus I commit myself to make the effort to get to know people for real through communicating with them – through being present and aware with them – through being HERE and not in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know someone when I have an experience about that person – and when I have seen how that person interacts in one situation and in one moment – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I cannot know someone, and judge someone on the basis of one moment – and that people are much more than only one character in one moment, and that I can get to see this when I make the effort to get to know people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not show myself, and open myself up to people when I am interacting with them – to stand in my physical body in such a way that I am HERE and that I do not accept and allow myself to withdraw myself and go into a state of hiding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself out into the physical – through my body language – through my voice – through how I am standing and interacting here in this moment – to push myself outwards into this physical reality and stand

Self-commitments

When and as I see myself going into a state of hiding, through the way I place my body, with my shoulders slouching, looking downwards, and wanting to escape into myself, I stop, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this is not a solution – and in order to get to know my reality, to get to know people, to expand – I must face it – be part of it – stand and move in it – and that is done through coming out of my body – out from hiding – and standing in the middle of it all facing life – and thus I commit myself to push myself to stand in my chest area – and push myself out into physical reality through my voice, my body language, and my presence

I commit myself to make the effort to get to know others through communication, interaction and participation – and I commit myself to create the comfort zone with others – where I can be myself – through consistently pushing myself to communicate and break the ice – break the isolation and the fear – and establish that real comfort zone – where I am comfortable in being with another and being myself – because I have created that comfort in my relationship with another person through communication and interaction

I commit myself to push through resistance and awkwardness that might come up as I make an effort to communicate, participate and interact – and I commit myself to see, realize and understand that it is a matter of practice

I commit myself to present, aware and here – and make the focus of a moment with another – that I GIVE myself unconditionally – that I SHARE myself unconditionally – and do not accept and allow myself to remain withdrawn and hidden far back inside of myself

Day 282: A Hell of A Day

Today, I had a hell of a day. And with that, I mean that I had a day where I faced many new experiences, and reactions, of which, particularly one stands out – the desire to impress, and its polarity opposite, the fear of being useless.

I really enjoy the way that my work is challenging me when it comes to this point. Because my work currently is about tightly cooperating with others, and in that my efforts are continuously being evaluated, by myself obviously, and the benchmark of my evaluations is how I perceive that others see/receive my work. For instance today, I had a moment where I walked up to one of my colleagues, as we where to have a meeting, and it turned out that I was half an hour early to the meeting – lol. In that I moment I experienced a big fat embarrassment in my chest area, as well as a fear tightening my chest – because in that moment I perceived my actions/behavior as a weakness.

So, it is interesting how deeply ingrained this point is within me of wanting/desiring to be someone to another, and how severely it is limiting me. Fact is, that when I strive to be something for another, my experience of myself in what I am doing shifts from me, here, applying myself, to learn, expand and grow in my application, into a state of fear, where the murmuring backchat is of the following nature: ‘What do they think of me?’ – ‘Did I do this right?’ – ‘Did I make a fool out of myself now?’ – ‘Oh my god, they are going to dislike me forever now!’ – it is like a constant momentum of anxiety that I get pulled into that then defines my day, my work, and what I do.

And, the interesting part of this is that I know how much I could enjoy my work, and the learning experience I could create it to be, if I would be able to let go of my drive to please, and my fear of displeasing – because the work offers so much potential for learning, growing, expanding and becoming more effective. Really, it is similar to school, we constantly do things because others tell us to, and after a while it is all about the recognition, all about what others think of us, and not about our own expression/experience/momentum within what we are doing.

The solution is to redefine work, redefine living, redefine myself, from survival to living – and that means – understanding that life becomes so much more when the veils of fear are released and one is instead able to focus on the actual living, the actual participation, the actual interaction with life here – and one have energy, and space within to process this world, and all the information that is constantly moving. From what I see for myself, what stands in my way is fears and desires – very basic mental experiences that are stopping me from becoming what I can become. Because I do like my chosen profession, I do like the constant learning, expanding, and growing that exists within it – however to really access that potential fear must go.

However, I will not give up until I am able to stand, and walk in my chosen profession as an expression of real living, with no fear – that is my reference point – that is my goal and where I want to get to. Now the work begins to get there, which involves, applying self-forgiveness, and the specifying my corrective applications. Challenges, mistakes, faults, and errors are not meant to be feared – we are supposed to learn from them, grow, expand and welcome them into our lives, as they offer us an opportunity to become even more effective.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being appreciated by my colleagues or bosses – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself dependent upon others appreciating me, others thinking that I am good, others defining me as being an asset, etc. and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give this to myself

I recognize that I am an asset, that I have many qualities, skills and abilities that I can use to give and create a world that is better for all participants involved

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being outcasted by my colleagues and bosses

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes – in the fear that my colleagues or bosses are then going to judge me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake in fear of what that might lead to and create in my life in terms of future career opportunities – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed about my future – about what might come to pass – and forget about myself here in the moment – and the process that I am walking – and how I can in-fact use what I am doing to empower myself as an individual – however it is required then that I push the point of actually doing it for and as myself and not to satisfy my bosses and colleagues

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my life when I am out in the system, working, creating relationships, and more, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify this experience thinking that life is dangerous, that I need this fear to keep on my toes, not realizing that it’s not about need – it is about habit – and within that not realizing that I can create for more supportive ways of living and participating in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that a reason as to why very few people are able to become knowledgeable and superior in their professional field is because the focus is elsewhere, the focus is not on learning, understanding and empowering oneself within the work one is doing – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to empower myself in my field, I must focus on the work, the field, and the learning of that work, that must be where my energy goes, and in this I cannot accept and allow fear to be a part of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not presenting a good enough work, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that when my focus is on presenting a good work to another, then I am not actually focusing on the work that I am doing HERE – and how I can empower myself within the work that I am doing – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the key to remember is that what I focus on will grow – if I focus on what I fear – that will grow – if I instead focus on my relationship and application within the work that I do – then that will grow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not, when and as I notice that I am getting high strung at work, and I go into some form of a rush-energy, to take a moment to stop up, to go grab a cup of coffee, drink some water, or take a walk, and support myself to get out of that experience, or apply some self-forgiveness, stop up for some moments and ground myself back into my body, remind myself of my starting point, my why in the work that I am doing, to learn as much as possible, to expand, and empower myself within the field of law, to in the future be able to use this to create a difference in this world that will make life better for all human beings – that is my starting point – not fear – not anxiety – not worry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes, because I fear that my superiors are going to judge me, and that this will have ramifications for me in that I will not be able to get a job in the future, and feel secure and safe in my living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to with regards to money, and security, exist in this polarity, where I sometimes, usually when I get money, feel secure, safe, and sound, and then when I am at work, and I perceive that there is a risk I am not going to get money, go into fear, anxiety, and worry that I am not going to be able to survive, because I might become fired from my job – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that my participation in this sense/feeling of security is actually creating the opposite polarity of fear, and anxiety – and hence I commit myself to let go of both of these polarities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my colleagues or bosses are cryptically judging, or showing their discontent with me, when they look a little angry, or say something that could be interpreted as them thinking that I am not good at what I am doing – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no point in caring what others think about me – what is important is that I know what I am doing – I know what I am pushing – I know what I am walking – and that I am walking to my utmost ability – and in that I know that I am doing what I can do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution is that I must take ownership of my life, my work, my professional career, everything I do, make it mine and thus not anymore do it to satisfy another – but to create a purpose within it that I can walk, where I have my starting point, where I have my direction, and where I know/see how I am going to create myself within it all

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to use my current work to learn as much about law and the legal system as I am able to – and I commit myself to focus my physical and mental energy on this process of learning, of understanding, and seeing the flaws, and mistakes, and the machinery of this system, and thus not anymore accept and allow fear to be a focus in my day-to-day living

When and as I notice that I am going into a state of rush, and inner speed, and where this is shown through becoming absent minded, forgetting things, and being generally incapable of focusing effectively, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that to ground myself back in my body, I require some moments for myself – I require some moments of breathing, applying self-forgiveness, and focusing myself back here – and thus I commit myself to give myself those moments – there is time for that – because I realize what a difference this will make for me – and how much more comfortable and relaxed I will be in my physical body as I get home – and how much more rested I will be as I wake up the next day – as I will not have abused and harmed my body through participating in stress, anxiety, and fear

I commit myself to walk my life with no fear, stress and anxiety, and show that it is possible to do this – and I commit myself to not fear mistakes

I commit myself to in relation to my profession, my career, to create a purpose within it, to thus create ownership in relation to all parts of my life, so that I am walking/creating for and as myself – walking and creating according to my plans, and according to what I see myself achieving in this life, and hence not within and as the fear of what my bosses, and colleagues might think about me – and thus I commit myself to take ownership in all parts of my life – to redefine who I am in the areas of my life where I notice that there is still fear and anxiety – as I understand that such reactions indicate that there is till a separation and that I have not effectively claimed ownership in relation to the point