Tag Archives: let go

Day 343: Fear of Loosing My Freedom?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define thinking, imagining, fantasizing, as freedom, to think that it is through using the mind that I am able to be free, and that it is through the physical that I am stuck

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming stuck, locked into, and defined by the physical, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, giving up the mind and embracing the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up fantasies, in the fear that I will become limited

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up thoughts, projects, and imaginations, in fear that I will become limited without them, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to believe that I can be dis-empowered by the physical, and that the mind empowers and strengthens me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear silence, quiet, and darkness, to fear being without a constant chatter within me, where I look at things, believing that it is freedom, to constantly move around within and look at different things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is freedom, freeing, and fulfilling, to constantly be busy with things, and believe, that the busier I am, that the more fulfilling, enjoyable, and great my life is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of my mind in the belief that my mind makes me free – and that my mind makes me flexible – and that I would die, shrivel, and loose my vitality without constantly being in my mind, and using my mind to think about things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up and stopping my tendency to think about, imagine, and fantasize about the future, in fear that I will limit myself, and confine myself, and loose the experience of freedom that I feel I am having when I am participating in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being earthed is being isolated and locked down – that it means that I cannot express myself – that I cannot look at things or expand – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate expansion, looking, movement, freedom, with my mind, instead of living these words as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back from living freedom

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate freedom with looking at my future in my mind – looking at what I am going to do next – looking at my opportunities – looking at what might arise and come into my life next – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath – bring myself back here – and see, realize and understand, that freedom as a real expression – does not yet exist in this world – that freedom is something to be created on a global level through changes in the world system – and that freedom does not mean being able to fantasize about things in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel secure when I am able to fantasize about what is going to happen in the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel comfortable and at ease when I imagine and fantasize about my next move in the future – and to believe that existing and expressing myself HERE is a prison – because then I am not able to visit far away places in my mind – then I am locked down and defined within my body to only be here – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, that I do have the potential of living and creating myself as the word freedom – that this is nothing I need to wait for – and that living the word freedom in the physical is a lot more powerful than only experiencing it in my mind

When and as I see myself going into future projections – and I feel comfortable/at ease/free – I take a breath – and I stop myself and bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that real freedom is freedom lived and experienced in the PHYSICAL – not an experience – not a thought – real freedom is something that cannot be imagined – and thus I commit myself to instead of thinking about freedom in my mind – practice CREATING real freedom in my life – through living FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION – which is a real and substantial freedom that I am able to grant myself

Day 197: The Urge for Limelight

Yesterday my partner asked to assist and support her in doing a tarot reading for her – I became intrigued and happy that I was asked to do this and looked forward to do the reading. So, some minutes later I began – and I walked through the cards, and shared with my partner what I saw – though after a while my partner interjected and said that she saw something different compared to me. In that moment I felt that I was being interrupted and that my partner was interfering with MY reading – and the emotional experience that came up was that of hurt, feeling rejected, and disregarded – and within this there was also a nuance of blame wherein I felt that my partner was stealing my moment in the limelight.

The backchat that came up within me was: “This was my time to shine!” – “She can’t just take this from me!” – “She doesn’t have any regard for me!” – so it was interesting to see how much I’d defined myself to the prospect of doing a reading for my partner, and the hope that my partner would enjoy the reading, and be pleased with my conduct.

Another dimension of the backchat that came up was a form of suppressive-backchat – because in that moment I tried to talk myself out of the reaction – as I could see that the reaction was unreasonable and unnecessary. Though this support-talk didn’t do the trick and I was contained inside the initial emotional reaction for several moments – until I through breathing in awareness was able to let the experience go and return it into the ground.

The point that I want to walk through in this blog is that of placing value and worth on being in the limelight, having my short moment of help another, doing a service for another, or saying something to another, where I will receive attention from another, and they will see me as this really great, marvelous, and fantastic individual that they’d gladly like to have in their life and world, for the rest of their existence. Because this is the reason – the why as to the intense reaction that came up when my moment of limelight was suddenly and without warning taken from me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself according to being in the limelight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to being in the limelight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to being in the limelight, and when someone asks me to do something for them, to in that moment going into a state of excitement, eagerness, and hopefulness, wanting and desiring to be in the limelight and mean something to another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel interfered with, interrupted, and embezzled of my moment in the limelight – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an intense reaction of feeling rejected, disregarded, taken for granted, and abused – and blame another for these experiences – thinking that they wouldn’t have come up within me unless someone ‘mean’ took my place and position in the limelight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, frustrated and annoyed when and as I perceive that someone has taken my spot in the limelight, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of envy and bitterness, because I feel that the person in question took my position, took my chance, took my moment to fly and get ahead in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become bitter and resentful when I perceive that I had a moment in the limelight, where I could shine and receive attention from another, and then suddenly it was taken from me, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself blame another for taking this limelight from me, and think that I deserved to have that moment of shining and being in the center of attention

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to being in the center of attention – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be that person that is the light of the party, that is the magnet in the box filled with metal, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to, and draw my feeling of value and worth, according to how much that I feel, and perceive I am able to draw the attention of others towards and unto me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a attention addict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need attention from others for my life to have value – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actively search for moments where I am able to gather and receive attention into my life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is that I am in-fact utterly limiting myself through making all of me, and all of my life to be about what I can get from others to substantiate my life, instead of me taking responsibility and standing as the substance of my own life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take pride in, and appreciate myself according to how much significance I believe and perceive that I play in the lives of others – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that my life, and my living can only be of significance, meaning, and power, if I am able to help others, get attention from others, and be significant for and to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when another doesn’t use the services I’ve offered, that I am then not appreciated, and valued, and in that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into bitterness and resentment, wherein I feel that I am now worth nothing at all, and it’s this person’s fault because he or she didn’t want to use my services – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my usefulness and value according to whether I perceive that others find me useful and valuable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into bitterness and resentment when and as I feel that my services have been rejected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into bitterness and resentment when and as I perceive that my surroundings doesn’t appreciate my participation and contribution sufficiently – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have appreciation and be acknowledged by others for me to feel that it’s worth it to help another – or offer a service – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is a utterly limited – and contained way of looking at me giving assistance and support – because there are so much more I am able to do when I express and move myself without conditions

Self-commitment statements

I commit myself to offer my services and help others unconditionally – to not do it in order to get anything in return – to be accepted or appreciated – but to instead do it unconditionally – to give as I’d like to receive

I commit myself to give as I’d like to receive – and in this I commit myself to not approach giving or offering my services within a secret starting point of wanting to achieve praise and appreciation in return – and as such I commit myself to approach giving with no expectations, hopes or desires – but rather – instead – simply to give

When and as someone is interrupting me, or I feel that another is interfering with my moment, and I react in bitterness, and resentment, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this resentment and bitterness isn’t necessary, that practically speaking there hasn’t been any compromise, it’s just that I feel disregarded and shoved aside, and thus I commit myself to breathe, and unconditionally let go of any desire to be in the foreground, and to have the attention, and to be in control of the moment, to instead breathe, and align myself with what is here, and direct the moment according to what I see is common sense and best for all

Day 146: Giving Me A Me-Moment

I was recently shown a point about myself, and here I am going to delve deeper into it.

So, the point is in relation to how I don’t accept and allow myself to through-out my day take these me-moments, where I take a short break or pause in what current responsibility I am involved within, and allow myself to for example, play with the cats, or talk with my partner, play some guitar, go outside for a while and take some sips of air.

The reason as to why I am not accepting and allowing myself to do this is because of anxiety, or more clearly put: I actually don’t even notice, or see that there is this movement in me that I’d like to have a me-moment, because I am in a state of anxiety, and in a state of ‘getting there’ – ‘doing that’ – ‘producing results’ – actually I am driving myself throughout my day utilizing anxiety as a fuel to produce results and to apparently get me somewhere.

Now, this is obviously not working very well, and the consequences of such a behavior, of being constantly on-point, constantly moving, working, pushing, focusing – being in but ONE state of being all the time as that of a spear-headed movement forward, is that I will become burned out – I will hit the wall so to speak. Thus, I see that I must practice giving myself those me-moments, I must learn to tune in with myself, and when I do my work, and I am pushing, and I am pressing forward, that I still accept and allow myself to take those small breaks, those moment where I go and do something just because – its fun and I enjoy it – and I find it relaxing.

Its important that I give myself these moments, because I am going to, if everything goes according to plan, be here on this earth for quite a while, and thus I must see to it that I care for myself, and care for my body, and that I accept and allow myself to move consistently, yet still give myself those needed breaks, where I just do something, because its comfortable, its nice, and it rejuvenates me and enables me to go back into focus-mode – and get done what I was walking.

Thus, the practical correction I want to apply here is that of living the word balance, and to move myself through-out my day in a pace that is slow and steady, to not over-do certain points, but to do them in such a way that I still have time for me, time for just being and doing something pleasurable, and within that shift my attention for a moment – so that I don’t get stuck in this fast and speedy way of living – where all that matters is that I go forward; slow and steady wins the race.

When moments arise in my world, where I feel that I’d like to have a break from what I am doing, or I feel that I’d like to go and play the guitar, pet the cats, take a walk, cook some food, do something pleasurable, and enjoyable – I commit myself to give me that me-moment – unless its crucial that I finish up and walk through some commitment or responsibility that I have taken upon myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself those moments in my day, wherein I let go of what I am doing, and I allow myself to go and do something that I enjoy, such as for example playing with the cats, or talking with my partner, or playing some guitar – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto an idea of time effectiveness – wherein I think, perceive, and believe that my effectiveness with time is equal to how much time I spend on a particular point, instead of realizing that for my time to be effective, I must as well be effective, and I can only be effective when give myself moments of me-time – where I for a moment let go and allow myself to do something for no other reason but that I enjoy such a point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stuck within and as a idea in my head of what it means to be effective, and to use time effectively, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of anxiety that I will waste my time, and that I will not utilize my time to its fullest potential – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in holding unto and living from such a starting point – I am in-fact making my time ineffective – I am creating my fear – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself within and as the natural flow of my day – and participate in points coming up without existing in this state of anxiety that ‘I must save my time’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of anxiety, and fear that I am going to waste my time, and that I am not going to move myself properly to take care of my responsibilities, and commitments, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in holding unto such a fear, I am creating that very fear, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself, and move through my day within and as self-trust, wherein I participate, interact and move myself within and as my responsibilities and commitments, not from a starting point of fear, but from a starting point self here – where I am here – present and moving myself in every breath to walk the points and direct the points that emerge here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of distrust within myself, wherein I believe that unless I motivate myself with fear and anxiety, nothing will get done, nothing will move, and nothing will become the way I want it to become, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value, and see, and define fear as my main point of motivation, instead of accepting and allowing myself to stand as my own point of motivation, and trust that I will get done the things I set my mind to – and that I’ve already proven to myself that this is the case

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I let go of fear, that there won’t be any motivation within me anymore, that there won’t be any resolve within me anymore, and that my life will stagnate, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this is in-fact an idea, how it’s a perception that I’ve created, and that it’s not real – because what is real is that physical movement only requires physical energy, it requires a decision, and then I move myself according to that decision, and in that there is no fear energy required, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of the fear energy, and accept and allow myself to motivate, move and direct myself according to the plans I’ve made for myself, according to what I see is practical and a priority, and as such not anymore drive myself through and as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the consequence of driving myself within and as fear is that I will burn myself out, and that I will create physical consequences for myself, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be disciplined in stopping this fear, and each time that it comes up as a motivating factor, to take a breath, and to bring myself back here, and align myself into and as my physical body, and make the motivation of my movement, myself, wherein I stand as the motivation, I stand as the movement, I stand as the direction, I live the direction, I live the movement, and I as such do not require any energy to push my ahead

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be alert and aware as to these movements coming up within me, that I’d like for example to play some guitar, talk with my partner, be with the cats, or go out and take a walk, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress these movements within me, instead of being aware of them, and giving myself such moments, seeing, realizing and understanding that in giving myself such small moments of self-expression, I am in-fact nurturing and stabilizing myself, which will in turn make me much more effective in all of my other responsibilities that I hold in my world and reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself these small moments of expression, these small moments of me taking some time and simply enjoying myself, and expressing myself within and as a particular point, and I see, realize and understand that giving myself such moments is in-fact an investment that I make in myself, and that these small moments will support me in standing more firm and effective in other areas of my life

Self-commitments

I commit myself to give myself moments of me-time – wherein I do something that I enjoy to do – for no other purpose or reason but that I enjoy to do it; and I see, realize and understand that in giving myself these moments of expression I am supporting myself, and solidifying, and strengthening my stand in other areas of my life

I see, realize and understand that my general experience of myself is a holistic creation that involves who I am throughout my day, and that its not sustainable to only work, to only focus, to only labor, and push, but that I also require to give myself some moments where I break of my routine and do something that I enjoy – because I see, realize and understand that in order to be effective in my commitments and responsibilities – I need to care for and nurture myself, which I am able to do – through watering myself – watering here implying that I give myself these moments of enjoyment, pleasure, and unconditionally being here with myself

I commit myself to not stress through my day, and be anxious to move faster – and I commit myself to slow down and move within and as presence of breath – and see, realize and understand that I am only able to do what I am able to do in a breath – and that stress and anxiety is wholly unnecessary; thus I commit myself to move in the pace of the physical – in the pace of breath – and in the pace of my natural physical express

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Day 101: One Day Before Exams

Tomorrow I have my exams. I’ve prepared myself with discipline and diligence and I do see that I am well prepared to take the exam – still there is nervousness and anxiety within me. Thus, I will in this blog clear out any such compromising experience so that I am able to walk and take my exams tomorrow within stability and self-presence here as breath – realizing that the results on my test does not define who I am, because I decide and define who I am practically in every moment of breath through what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into thoughts that are of that nature “what if” wherein I look at my future, I look at my exam, I look at future potentials from a starting of fear, as “what if” I don’t make it, “what if” I fail, “what if” I will not get the best mark, “what if” – what will happen? As such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here to and as my human physical body and give myself a break – realizing that it doesn’t in anyway assist and support me to worry, and go into nervousness – the mind and it’s energies has no practical function but to take me into and as a experience and separate myself from this physical practical moment here – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according fear instead of in every moment standing stable here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that going into the mind, and becoming possessed with fear in the mind has no practical function or meaning, it will not change anything, if anything it will only make me less effective at recalling and regurgitating information, because I am to worried about the results, thus not effectively accepting and allowing myself to walk HERE – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, realize that the mind isn’t support me in terms of the fear and nervousness I experience – that these experiences are in no way practical – they are only experiences – and thus won’t assist me to walk through the practical challenge than an exam in-fact represents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I mean, looking at the situation from a physical and practical perspective, there is absolutely nothing I have to fear or be nervous about, because I have prepared myself, I have done and put in the necessary effort and work, and thus all I have to do now is simply to walk the point, to walk the exam, to walk into the unknown and trust myself that I will be able to walk it through effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overly concerned and possessed with “the results” – with “the outflow” wherein I start thinking more about what might, or might not happen, instead of me in every moment breath being HERE and walking this moment HERE – making decisions HERE upon the basis of what is here not existing in my mind trying to prevent my fears from taking place through fearing what I fear – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is a completely detrimental and irrational way of dealing with things – wherein I am going into experience, thinking that this will assist me in walking my real life, not realizing that experience have nothing to do with walking my life practically, physically and effective here – because such a point is a physical point – and thus something that I can walk without experience as I do in-fact only need myself here, my body and practically in common sense seeing what must be done and then doing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to be here with my physical body regardless of what challenges I am walking through, realizing and understanding that no matter what, I am here – regardless of what I face, regardless of challenges, regardless of contingencies I will still be here, and thus this is what I must develop, my ability to act, direct and move points effectively that appear and occur here – because here I have my power to direct – my power to influence – my power to move – my power to take responsibility – it’s not existent in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that for each and every time I go into my mind, and instead of participating, living and moving myself here, instead being busy and moving in my mind, I am obviously not moving myself effectively – I mean this is simply common sense – because when I am not here – obviously I can’t move and direct myself here as there must be a driver in the driver seat else the consequence will be that I create my life without awareness – without a driver in the driver seat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how when I accept and allow nervousness and fear to be the driver of my life, I create a life equal and one to fear and nervousness, due to the simple fact that I am not here in every moment – aware – stable – able – and in real-time directing my life and myself to be what I want it to be – and thus the consequence will be that my life comes to zilch – null; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and bring myself back here – and motivate myself in every moment to remain here – to push myself to let go of emotions and feelings – and be stable – and directive here without the mind because I don’t need the mind – I don’t require experience – I don’t require emotion – I simply require myself – HERE – in and as stability of breath – within and as the certainty that I am here – and I direct what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that even though nervousness and fear appears to be such convincing experiences, apparently indicating that there is some type of real danger, and real “what if” that I must fear – the truth is that nervousness and fear aren’t based upon facts, they are based upon construing reality – trying to make sense of it – while not look at the actual physical movement and direction of reality; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push and motivate myself to look at reality directly here – to for instance in this case see that the practical reality is that I have prepared myself – I have effectively integrated the knowledge – the point is done and complete – and as such there is no point to worry about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto this dream, which is in-fact a point of competition, that I am going to get the best marks, and within that enable myself to at a later stage become lawyer or work at the courts or something in that manner, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is a problem, because I’ve defined myself according to a dream and a plan, thinking that this plan and dream is me – instead of me being the creator and directive principle of my plans and dreams, wherein these are points that I direct and create according to what I see is practical, common sense, valid and effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of the dream and hope to become a top-shot lawyer, or work in a court, and a have so-called “top position” and realize that when I accept and allow plans to control me, when I become emotionally affected and change who I am upon the basis of what I set out to do, then this is a problem, as it shows me that I am not the directive principle, I am not standing clear but I am instead allowing myself to be defined, to believe that the plan or dream “makes me” – instead of me accepting and allowing myself to create myself, for me to make a decision that “this is who I am” – and that I stand by my decision of who I am regardless of how my external reality moves – and that I stand equal and one with my external reality – realizing that moving myself in the system is nothing more but a piece of chess – that it’s about positions, it’s about planning, it’s about strategizing – which I am able to do without connecting any form of experience, dream or mental hope in relation to my direction and movement in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can obviously only be effective and live my full potential when I in-fact do accept and allow myself to have my full potential here as me in every moment breath, which implies that I don’t define or limit myself according to a plan, or a dream – believing that “I must reach this” – “or else everything fails” – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath and unconditionally let my plans go from a starting point of not defining myself in relation to them – realizing that they are plans – they are mathematical equation that I’ve created and that they have a purpose that is practical – and that plans moved within a starting point of emotions are really worthless – because they are not in relation to what is real – what is practical – what is actual and what is physical – they’re simply experiences and thus obviously not in alignment with and as physical reality HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s common sense – that plans must not define who I am – because if they do – they’re no longer plans – they are my enslaver – they are my point of addiction that I follow to get a high of emotions – and not something that I move and walk towards because it makes sense – because it’s effective – because it will have an outflow that I can stand by – that I see is practical – that is relevant – that I see is cool and that I’d want for myself and others in my world; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally let go my plans as a point of me wanting to get there to experience myself a certain way, and I instead commit myself to walk HERE – practically – physically – in and as stability – as breath – walking my plans because they make sense – and if they don’t work out – I merely change the plans according to what I see is effective – practical and relevant – according what I see will work and will have a outflow which I am satisfied with it effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that nervousness and fear exist within me because I am resisting the unknown, I am resisting the realization that there is no certainty, that I can’t be assured that my plans are going to work out, that I can’t be certain that my life is going to turn out as I’ve thought, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace this unknown, to see, realize and understand that I am able to stand within this point of the unknown, that I am able to stand stable, HERE – and direct myself in every moment of breath – realizing that it’s a condition of this existence – the unknown – and it’s fruitless to fight it – fruitless to resist it – and the key is thus to understand it and learn to direct myself within it and trust myself that I will direct myself towards and as a solution that is best for all regardless of what external situations I am facing in my world and reality

Self-commitments

I commit myself to not longer hold unto my plans as a emotional experience, but to instead make me the directive principle of my plans, thus allowing me to without any emotion or feeling change my plans when I see the need for it arise – because I am here and I direct myself according to what is here

I commit myself to stop defining myself according to my plans, to realize that this world does not define who I am, I define who I am, I decide who I am – and thus the results of my exams will merely be the results on the exam and nothing more and nothing less – thus I commit myself to not make me walking in this system in anyway personal or “about me” but to realize that I am really playing chess and that it’s a game of positions, strategizing, and making moves – which is nothing personal it’s just what it is

I commit myself to stop competing, to stop trying to win, to stop wanting to prove myself to be the best and instead focus upon what I am here to do, which is to create a world, a reality an existence that is best for all – where life can be lived in the full measure – where life is honored and respected – where life is cared for – where life is treated with compassion and consideration – and thus I commit myself to realize that in the big picture my nervousness and fear is irrelevant – and that I can use this time far more effectively – than existing in and being possessed with nervousness and fear

I commit myself to realize that I decide who I am – and that I decide how I will experience myself walking in this world – I decide and not a result on my exams – thus I walk here – I stabilize myself here – I stop this point of fear and nervousness and bring myself back to what is real here

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Self-Expression Emerge

Today I’ve made a big mistake in my application, and it wasn’t a mistake as in me being self-dishonest, it was a mistake as in me not being aware of my surroundings and as such placed myself in a position of loosing time – which actually is self-dishonest.

I was to have a meeting at my school, tomorrow, yet when I looked in my time book I had written the wrong date, and as such I stormed of to the illusionary meeting – only realizing while I arrived at the illusionary meeting – that the meeting was illusionary – because the meeting was the next day.

So it was interesting to get to the illusionary meeting, because there was another meeting that was commencing – I decided to join in – this brought up ridiculous amounts of fear – as I feared that anyone was going to question me, as to why I was present at this meeting that wasn’t meant for me. Though – I continued to breath, I continued to push through, and as such I remained at the meeting and achieved the understanding of some points of information that was relevant – nice – I managed to make an illusionary meeting, to something real.

So, lately during these day’s I’ve experienced myself extensively self-expressive, it’s like I’ve opened up the point of unconditional self-expression – wherein I notice and see the world completely different than before, and I am much more attentive, as to what is going on in my reality. Now, as I walk through town – I am able to spot details, such as the eye’s of people as they walk past me, or I mean, really small stuff that happen in my reality – it’s like a veil has come of from my eye’s and like I’ve opened up to more information. The reality that is here being –information in movement.

I’ve also noticed this new kind of expression as I said, this openness and vulnerability, silence that has started to develop and come through. It’s like I am much more keen to what happens in my reality, and I don’t avoid it – or turn away, to suppress myself, or avoid people, or situations – instead I look people in the eye, I follow the situation, I respond and I interact directly, and in much more “harmony” so to speak – in a much more direct way, and this is really fascinating – it’s like I’ve pushed through a point of control – that I am now allowing myself to simply let go, and flow – like water.

In terms of the bullshit that I’ve faced today – there has been some fascinating points – especially one: I stood in the library, and I got in the queue, I noticed an old lady also getting in the queue after me – I noticed she became slightly frustrated, and angry when the librarian asked me before her – in this I started to feel very uncomfortable, and I started to think – is she causing this experience within me? Is she sending inter-dimensional knives and spears at me?

In this moment I simply breathed, and I saw that I was almost through and clear from this experience – that I as the physical wasn’t anymore controlled or directed by this experience, to the extent that I before have been – so this was very cool.

I now realize as I write about this – that it shouldn’t matter if people send me inter-dimensional knifes and spears, if I am self-honest and effective in my application I will be able to stand through anything – walk through anything without this having an influence upon. If it has an influence upon – this simply shows me that I am still not fully walking equal and one – and that there are still points to correct.

I’ve further been doing music, and I’ve further caught myself in my mind attempting to make plans for the future – regarding studies in economy, and language – I notice that I often do these things – I make plans in my mind – plants – but I don’t have the actual time and space capacity to walk them through. Then I will act upon the plan, only to later realize – that such a plan isn’t going to work for me – because I don’t have sufficient with time.

So – I am walking the process of prioritizing my time – looking at what it is that is crucially necessary for me to do – what is that is really required of me, and what is that I can wait with – what is that isn’t crucially required of me. And I’ve found that many of the things I decide to do – isn’t crucially required of me – but they are instead these points of ego that I take on in order to make myself feel better – instead of seeing what it is that is actually required of me in my reality, and what will support me here, and in the future.

So, I’ve seen that some of the points that I’ve decided to take on – like learning a new language, like learning about economy, are actually points that I will have to give up upon – at this moment – as there is simply to much other shit for me to do.

Then – I’ve further today faced points of desire, as in an tempting, sensual energy raising from within me as I’ve observed, and let my eyes pass certain female bodies. This energy has been very strong, and it’s this energy that always brings up the consideration within me – that maybe, just maybe – is there someone that is better for me – maybe there is better sex, maybe there is someone that is meant for me – maybe I am missing out on something.

I am becoming better at catching these thoughts now, and catch them at their origin, which is the seeing of a female physical body with specific proportions. Though, I still see – that my female search mode is still active – as I still allow myself to go into a mode of searching for, and attempting to through judgments, value and compare, who might be the best for me – who might I be the happiest with? Is there someone that I am missing? Someone that I will feel extra connected with?

But – the very prime point within these thoughts, is sex – and the desire to have and experience sex with a female of a very specific body type – I see that there is still much self-forgiveness on this point in order for me to be able to let go of this delusion – as this delusion is something that is very ingrained within me, a ship that I will jump upon as it arrives because I believe it to be true and real – and I really, truly, and fully believe that I am missing out on something crucial and important when I don’t have access to a specific type of body in my reality in relation to sex.

It’s fascinating – through my entire sex life – I’ve never been satisfied with the females body that I’ve been with – there has always been something wrong, something that I didn’t want – something that I thought was disgusting, something that I wanted someone to fix and change – so that I didn’t have to walk with them – so that I could abandon them and blame it upon their bodies.

I remember specifically one girlfriend – towards which body I became obsessed as it being to fat, I became really nasty as I attempted to manipulate this girls backchat in order to loose weight – I mean – really fucked up shit; wherein I allow myself to abuse the physical, as the unconditional expression of a human physical body into and as a specific sort of shape only because I feel aroused, as I watch upon such a shape. Arousal – that in itself is a completely fake, delusional and illusionary energy that only lasts for so long – then is gone – while a being, a body – is here all the time, and is actually the reality that I am facing and living together with. The looks mean nothing – it’s the actual being that becomes my world, and the being has nothing to do with looks at all.

1.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am missing my school – that I am not going to get the top-grade, top results, and be a top student

2.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am missing out on cool jobs – jobs that I would have fun in – jobs that I would feel important in – if I don’t get top grades

3.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will live a future of little money – that I won’t be rich – if I don’t get top grades

4.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to flunk and fail, to fear that I am not going to understand or know the questions on the test – in fear that I will fail at my course, and be given a document saying that I have complete this course

5.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry, and fear that I will not be able to do anything in the future with my degree

6.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear that I will not be able to get a job – to get a stable income – if I don’t get the best grades possible

7.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to live out my dreams of happiness, as in getting a dog, living on the countryside, having country-interests, if I don’t get top-grade results

8.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t become important in the future, if I don’t get top results – to fear that I won’t be able to become a judge, or a attorney, or a lawyer – within the belief that such people are more effective than what I am

9.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are people – that are more than me – more godlike and better – due to their education – due to the knowledge they have accumulated

10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to miss a once in a life-time opportunity – if I don’t get a top result at my test – and I don’t receive a top grade from my teachers in relation to my test

11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and be anxious that my life will come to nothing, that my dreams will come to nothing, if I don’t become the best lawyer, the best student in the entire school

12. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with grades, to become possessed with becoming the best, to become possessed with the desire to make much money in the future

13. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire, need, require to make lot’s of money in the future – to become rich and wealthy and be able to buy anything that I desire

14. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to live without debt, to live in stable life, a certain life, even though others don’t

15. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire my life to be more than others – my life to be filled with money, and luxury, even though others are filled with poverty

16. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money, to fear loosing money, to fear becoming without money – having to face death, and the harsh nature of this reality as competition and struggle

17. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself as this reality – as competition, struggle, as no-support, as no-help, as complete aloneness wherein there is no help to be gotten

18. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the brutal, harsh, ruthless nature of this world of those that have no money – to fear facing the disregard, the contempt towards life – as all people care about is money

19. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted and enslaved, disempowered, inferior, less than, money

20. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with others about money, to become changed when it’s about money, to start to think about how much money I have, have others stolen my money?

21. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, frustrated – in fear that I have lost my money – in fear that I have given away my money, and that I won’t be able to retrieve money from anyone else

22. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to achieve wealth in this life – to fear that others are going to steal my wealth – to fear that others are going to make it impossible for me to become wealthy

23. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, and frustrated – at those seemingly stealing my wealth

24. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, and frustrated when someone takes money from me – when someone removes a possibility for me to make money

25. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become greedy – to become need – and need, require and desire to have money – to have income – to have wealth – to have as much money as possible – so I will feel good about myself

26. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself desire and want to have as much money as possible – so I will be able to let go of the fear of loosing money – not realizing that I am able to do so here

27. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be able to be wealthy – that I will become poor – that I will live in poverty, that I will live in less than I do now – that I won’t be able to complete my education – and that I won’t be able to get an effective job in the future

28. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am going to be left out in the future, out of the money system – that I am not going to be able to receive any money – earn anything so I am able to retain my possessions and keep my world stable and in order

29. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire, to have people love me – and desire to be in my world with me – because I have much money

30. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to have a studio, to have instruments, to have musicians that I am able to invite, to have fame, and recognition, and a purpose in my life as in doing music

31. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to become wealthy, to become super-rich, to become super millionaire – so I am able to feel secure, stable, and trust my reality – instead of seeing and realizing that I am able to give this to myself here

32. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fear is only as real as I make it – that the fear of facing the harshness, ruthlessness and disparity of this reality – is only something that I can fear, if I allow myself to fear it

33. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am able to stand calm, stable, directive, in and self-trust in any moment, or experience that might happen to me – that it doesn’t matter what I face, or why – because I am able to stand silent no matter what

34. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that place stability, silence, calm, outside of myself – as in needing my world to be filled with money for me to be able to be filled with stability and calm

35. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define calm, self-trust, stability – as the presence of money – instead of seeing that real calm, stability and self-trust – comes from the presence of me

36. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be present – to not give myself a present as myself

37. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire security from money – not allowing myself to see that there is no security in money, and that the fear I experience can only be removed when I allow myself to forgive and let go

38. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of fear of not having money – in fear that I then won’t care anymore, and that my world then will go straight to hell

39. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret myself, to become judgmental towards myself that I’ve given away money – thinking that I could have felt and experienced myself much more secure – if I wouldn’t have given away my money

40. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I would have been able to relax, and buy stuff that I wanted – feel at ease in my reality if I knew that I had more money in my bank

I realize money can’t change my experience of me if I don’t allow it – I don’t accept and allow it – I am here – I am breath – I don’t need – I don’t desire – I don’t require – I am fulfilled – I am here as breath

1.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to sex

2.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to have sex with several partners

3.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to undress a woman, to slowly take of the clothes of a women, that I define and see to be as picture perfect – in the desire to experience the excitement before sex

4.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become excited before sex – as in thinking that – yes I am going to be able to have sex

5.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to contact people in my reality – only to have sex with them – only to be able to experience myself with them in sexual intercourse

6.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become aroused when I see female bodies with the bone structure of having picture perfect assess – that are firm – that are well-shaped, that are tight, that are rounded, fit

7.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become aroused when I see a bum that is fit, tight, and that has legs under it that are long, thin, fit legs

8.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and to have sex with such women’s of the properties I described above – thinking, believing, regarding that such a women will be able to satisfy me and give me full pleasure

9.     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become disappointed that A doesn’t look as I desire the picture perfect woman to look – with the picture perfect legs, the picture perfect body shape, the picture perfect face – everything being picture perfect

10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to be able to touch, feel, hold a woman’s leg, a woman’s, buttocks in my hand – and be able to move it around as I have sex – in the desire and want to feel stronger than the woman

11. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to become aroused to the photoshoped pictures of sex I have installed and saved in my mind – as how woman’s should look – how a body should look – how thin, fit, muscular, tight a body should look – as in the very thin shapes, without any fat at all – with picture perfect breasts, and the entire body holding very specific proportions

12. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become aroused when I look at a females Venus mountain – when I look at the groin area of a female – becoming obsessed with the thought of being able to undress a woman, and be with a woman while she is naked – in the desire and the want to experience myself naked – and in full ecstasy with a woman as I fully let go and become wild while having sex

13. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to be able to push down my leg between the legs of a female – to be able to merge myself as one flesh with a female – becoming one flesh as I have sex with a female

14. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to be able to merge with, and become as one flesh when I have sex with a female – wherein I attempt to push myself, to place myself, as close and as much pressed towards a human as possible

15. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am missing out on something – that I am missing out upon sex, desire, real happiness – as I don’t have sex with as many females as possible – but only one

I am here

I realize sex is a physical – not a mental act – as such pictures hold no value – I delete pictures, I delete reactions towards pictures – I breath – I am here