Tag Archives: life

Day 365: Conditioning Self-Expression

Today I took some time to direct a couple of my material belongings that had been put in storage. I approached the project with the starting point that I had to make a decision for each of my belongings as to what was going to happen to it – what purpose it was going to have for the future to come. The things which I had not used in a couple of years I decided to give away – this group of things included a saxophone and a electric drum set. The underlying principle I applied was simple, with me these possessions were not used to their full potential, and by giving them away to someone that would actually use them, that would support fulfilling both the recipients expression and the instruments potential; in other words – giving the instruments away would be what is best for all.

However, and here is where it starts to get interesting, as I had made the decision to give away the instruments, I began to have second thoughts, and the backchat that moved within me was something along the following lines: ‘What if I will miss these instruments? I might want to play them at a later stage, and then I will not have them! Man, before when I was a bit younger, I played a lot of music, now I do not anymore, I really miss that’. Thus, my initial backchat was initiated by a fear of loss, and then my mind moved to how I miss playing instruments and having music as a part of my life – that latter part of the backchat as well motivated by a fear – a fear that I had lost these expressions of myself which I had accessed when I was younger as part of playing my instruments and devoting myself to music.

The experience took me by surprise, because I had seen that I was finished with these instruments, that I had used them and that I was satisfied with what I had expressed and achieved, though now with this fear coming up, I started to doubt myself. I took a breath and gave myself a moment to stabilize – and I looked at the point within myself.

I could see that practically speaking, I did not use the instruments. Not because I was hindered to do so, but because I had moved into a new part of my life where these instruments did not have the same role to fulfill. I could see that I was satisfied and fulfilled in terms of having explored and pushed myself to develop a relationship with the instruments and that I was ready to let them go. Thus, the fear did not have anything to do with my practical reality – it was all about myself – and how I was actually afraid of moving on and embracing the new expression of myself that have started to come through within me and my life – where my relationship with music and instruments has begun to change.

Because music and the expressions that I could access and live with my instruments, they are still part of my life, however the structure of my life today is different. Now, I express myself with music by singing songs that I really enjoy out loud, together with a stereo blasting the track at the same time – and the creative part of music – which I before expressed through writing and composing songs – that has become part of my job – where I spend a lot of time writing – and my carpentry hobby – where I must use my imagination and problem solving skills to create and find solutions.

Thus – with giving away some of my instruments – I am not giving away the expressions that I have developed and lived in making music – because those expressions are a part of ME – as such I see that it is important to not get lost in the structure and picture of this world – and relate what I experience and live to the images – because it is not about what it looks like – it is about WHO I AM – and HOW I EXPRESS myself within what I do.

I have found that it is easy to forget this, because the images seems to be so important, however looking back out my life, what has always been a constant is that the images change. My world will move, transform, become different, but I remain, which also exemplifies why it is so important to place attention and focus on developing OURSELVES – and not lose ourselves in the evanescent creations/allures of money and consumerism that so easily grip our attention and that we convince ourselves is the most significant point within our lives.


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Day 364: Developing Self-Reliance

The most recurring experience as of late has been fear – mostly fear of survival. I have been working diligently with the point and made some notable progress, there is however still a lot to be walked. One aspect of the fear that I have yet to transcend is that of fearing authorities and superiors that in some way have power to effect my ability to survive. Because they are able to influence, for example, my access to money, the fear seems to be justified and reasonable when it arise. Obviously, I am aware that this is not the case, though the fact that this experience exists within me does reveal an interesting point; that there exist a hope/desire to be taken care of and supported by authorities.

If a negative experience exists, which in this case is fear, then a positive experience will exist as well, and in this case that positive experience is security and feeling backed. Hence, for me, authorities have become a means of substantiating my own lack of self-reliance.

Apart from forgiving the fear, the solution I see is to develop self-reliance. For example, that could be done through pushing myself to take active responsibility for my work and career – and not in anyway accept and allow myself to rely upon my employer to secure my influx of money – but to make sure that I am a effective, that my skills are superior, that I am professional and able to offer a service that is needed. Thus I take charge of my own self-creation, planning and access to money, and remove the variable, of needing my employer to stand behind me as a point of security.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely upon my superiors and authorities to handle my life for me – and to blame them when things does not go the way I want – and to feel good and love them when things do go the way that I want – instead of placing reliance back where it belongs – with myself – and thus making sure that I do live in such a way where I direct my life – I create my life – and where it is not about relying on someone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being abandoned and judged by my superiors in fear of loosing my access to money and security, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to when I am able to please my superiors, to feel secure, safe and well cared for – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate within a polarity in relation to my superiors, and the system, where I on the one hand love it, and on the other, fear it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution is to stand equal and one with and as the system, with and as my superiors, to understand that in order to be stable within me, I require to take full responsibility for myself, my future, and my direction, and my actions at work, and to make sure that I am walking and creating my life in such a way that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to handle my own survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the system to deal with and secure my survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am not strong enough, or developed enough, or ready yet to take responsibility for my survival – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for a parent and someone to care for me in the system – to seek for someone to be there for me and show me the way – instead of me taking full responsibility for myself and the direction of and as my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define myself as inferior to the system, inferior to my employer, inferior to survival, and thus believe that I cannot rely on myself, but that I need the system to stand beside me and support me – to be there as a father figure for me because I am not able to do it by myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear developing a real and sound reliance within myself – where I do not assume that things will work out and be alright – but where I take the appropriate actions to ensure that I move myself in a direction that is best for me and others in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the system, my superiors, when things do not work out in relation to my survival, when I make mistakes, and fear arise, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, that I have created the pattern within me, that I have made the decisions and that it has nothing to do with the system, my superiors, my employers – in-fact it is a pattern I have developed where I fear taking active responsibility for myself – and I place my reliance out there into something else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on money to care for me, to support me, to be there for me, and to make my life secure and easy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on money to make my life comfortable, to give my life direction, to move my life in the ‘right’ direction, to secure my life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that money is in-fact a dead object – that it is not something that can save me and my future – that is something only I can do for myself – and thus fact is that money is a tool – something that I can use that support myself – however that support will only ever be as effective as I am within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on money to ensure my future, to rely on money to walk my process, to rely on money to take care of me, to rely on money to make things work for me – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this belief that money will take care of everything – it is just that – a belief – and fact is that real security, real safety, real direction and care will only ever arise from my own decision and movement to stand as and live those words actively within and as my life

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into either a fear or desire towards money, within the context of the belief that money can care for me, money will solve all problems, money will support me, money will ensure security and safety, I take a breath, I stop myself, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this is an illusion that I have created for myself – that in-fact money is only as effective as I am within myself – and that if I am not clear – stable and directive – then money will not support me – and thus I commit myself to take back directive principle – to take charge of myself and my life and actively move myself to care for myself, to solve problems, to support me and to develop security and stability in my life – as who I am – and more concretely – I commit myself to do that through continuously pursuing to make the best of my life – to look for and act on opportunities when they do arise – to push my writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application and my in the moment correction – to develop a stability that stands through the difficult times

When and as I see myself going into either a positive or a negative experience in relation to an event to concerns my superior, as either feeling safe, secure and cared for, or feeling that my survival is threatened, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this polarity within me indicates that I have not yet developed self-reliance and self-standing within me – in particular in relation to survival and money – and that I still want someone to care for me – and thus I commit myself to stop – to breathe and bring me back here – and instead – in the moment – look at how I am able to improve, expand, develop myself and move – how I can learn from mistakes to become more efficient in survival and moving myself in my reality – and what I can further strengthen and improve that already works – to thus take active charge of my self-development and utilize my failures and successes to guide me forward and to improve myself

 


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Day 362: It Is Not About The Plan, It Is About Who We Are

Today after I had waken up, I gave myself a moment to just sit, breath, drink my coffee and map out my day. It was restful, and any thought, projection, or inner vision that came up, I stopped it and brought myself back to breathing. At one point I had an experience of stress arise within me, and together with it a line backchat: ‘I cannot sit here and waste away all my morning just breathing, I have to get up and do stuff’. I breathed and let go of the stress, and brought myself back here.

Afterwards I felt relaxed and clear within me, and with ease I flowed into the rest of my day, and began taking care of my responsibilities and commitments. I experienced myself differently than otherwise, I was more stable, I moved slower, and fascinatingly enough, I was a lot more effective than normal. Things seemed to do themselves when I was around – and I moved myself from task, to task, until, I was done.

Reflecting on my day I can see that the reason as to why I had such a smooth and easy experience, and why I could move myself with ease, yet still get a lot done, was because of how it all started. I allowed myself to begin my day in stability, with clarity, grounded HERE in my human physical body – and that set the tone. I find it very interesting that things we perceive to be a waste of time, might actually be that which will make us more effective and get more things done – that which will fuel us to keep moving, and keep our focus and direction. Efficiency is not necessarily fast, it can also be slow, methodical, relaxed – a state of being that allows for physical energy to be used in a sustainable way. From a different perspective it is obvious common sense, because how can we expect to be efficient, if we have so much going on within ourselves that demands our attention.

This also exemplifies another point, we cannot beforehand judge a particular activity as either being supportive or not. Even though we might have a lot to do, many responsibilities that needs tending, it might be beneficial to sit down, and for a moment do nothing at all. Thus, we cannot judge activities based on our inner preconceived definitions and ideas, our own pre-programmed value system – because living effectively is not about following the norm – it is about creating a new supportive way of living and standing as an example for others so that we are able to change life on this earth as an express of who we are.

Another interesting point is that I was a lot more effective when I was silent, moved slowly, and took time for myself to stabilize before I took action. The same goes for walking any point in the world system. If we try to take action and make a difference out there, without first having done that for ourselves, without first having stabilized, cleared and supported ourselves to become stable, then we will face a lot of conflict. This happened to me, where I for example, was not even able to make a proper decision as to selecting a direction for myself in the world system, because I still accepted and allow too much fear within me in relation to my future.

Self must come first, then we can begin to walk our outside world. Our standing must be clear and stable, then we can begin to impart our awareness unto those around us. If there is conflict in our world in some way or another, the first thing that should be looked at is self – what is going on within? Is there a misalignment, a reaction, a program that has been allowed to run unchecked? Because even though we might believe that our world is separate from us – on a physical level that is not true – we do impact and move our reality in many ways – and the key to stability begins with clearing and correcting the inner reality.


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Day 361: Experiencing Real Life Versus Walking Process

With process, I have noticed that it can be easy to create a rift between on the one hand walking process and on the other hand, enjoying and living a fulfilling life – where the belief that is created is that these two points are mutually exclusive. In the beginning of my process, this rift was more pronounced, however as I have continued to walk my process, what I have begun to do is to INTEGRATE my process into my DAILY LIVING.

What I have seen is the following: There are certain tools that must be used to walk process effectively, among these we find writing self to freedom, self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements. In that way, process is confined to certain physical positions and movements. We must either sit behind a computer or with pen and paper in order to write, and sounding self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements, that usually requires that we are in alone. Those are the only parts of process that are bound to a certain time and space – because the REAL CHANGE process – that is walked IN daily life.

Thus, it does not make sense to separate walking process from living within and participating in our daily routines, walking our hobbies, interacting with friends, traveling, exploring, and experiencing the various opportunities of expansion that exists within life. Process should be a part of life. What I have seen, realized and understood is that if there is a sense of resistance/discomfort towards process, and feeling in a way, trapped by challenge that process represents, then there is a separation between walking process and the rest of our life – and the solution thus is to integrate process into all parts of our life.

Integrating process into our lives is simple, yet it requires us to be aware, ready and present – and open to challenge ourselves and how we have decided to live. This way of looking at and approaching process can open up new worlds to explore. For example, going to work, such a menial point, mostly seen as something undesirable, can become a way to get to know self and expand. It is thus all about WHO WE ARE within what we do – not about what we do.

This also relates closely with the point of future obsession and how it can be easy to get stuck in projections of the future and loose touch with the present. In-fact, it is not that important what we decide to do, what is important is WHO WE ARE – what we decide to do and who we decide to be within ourselves. Process, self-creation, self-expansion, and moving beyond what we considered possible for ourselves can thus be a integral part of all areas of our lives – and that is also the solution to stop separation – to stop the constant experience of conflict and separation that other wise reigns within us as we try to reach and attain the most luscious pasture that we can graze.

Thus, walking process is never something that is easy. It requires effort, dedication, diligence and movement – HOWEVER – we do not have to limit process to only certain actions and parts of our lives. Rather, process should be HERE regardless of where we are at, with process meaning that we at any given moment strive to improve, further, drive, and move ourselves to become MORE, BETTER and reach our utmost POTENTIAL.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my future, my purpose, my direction very, very seriously, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about life HERE, and that it is never about what I do, it is about WHO I AM – and that I can do all the apparent right things yet never move an inch within myself – because I have not actually moved WITHIN myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring my attention/focus/direction back HERE to myself – and place my attention on WHO I AM – place my attention on self-development – self-creation – and self-expansion in every moment of breath – to look at my daily living and see the obvious points of expansion that I can take on and begin to push those

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that a consequence of placing attention on the future, of creating conflict in relation to the future, conflict in relation to what I should become, how I should be, how I will experience myself in the future, is that I will loose touch with the physical HERE – loose touch with what is important and significant – which is my daily movement and direction HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to live an interesting and fulfilling life if I make process part of my daily living – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that this is an illusion that I have created, a belief that my life will become less if I decide to integrate process as part of my life – while this is not true – and in-fact – only an excuse and a justification for me not to live and create fully – completely – and with all of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the more I integrate process into my daily living – the more I expand – the more I am able to see – the more fulfilled and stable I become – and in-fact – I miss out on nothing at all – life thus is not supposed to be separated from process – because what is life without the drive and push to change and move self to become the best self possible?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will loose myself if I make process a part of my daily living – a part of my every moment application – not seeing, realizing and understand – that I will not loose anything – but rather CREATE a new SELF – that will be able to walk through and do something worthwhile with life – instead of going through the motions and then ending up not doing anything at all

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself having resistance towards process and applying myself because I rather want to get on with my life and just experience it, I take a breath and bring myself back here – I see, realize and understand that this separation between process and life is an illusion, something that I have created in the belief that there is something more to be experienced but myself HERE – and thus in a way trying to run away from myself – and thus I commit myself to make process part of my everyday life – through integrating process in my life in moments and in parts of my life where I see that I must expand/move/direct myself – and in the parts where I see that I am already strong – by enhancing those strengths even more – thus actively making process a part of myself and my life


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Day 355: The Insignificant, Becomes Significant

I experience my weekdays very, very differently. And mostly, it is not a matter of what happens throughout that day. It is about WHO I AM. The simple process of walking from my car to my work, one day I can experience that as boring and predictable, trapped in the rat race, and the other day, it is a small adventure that I step into. The walk is just a couple of hundred meters, but even so, if I push  myself to be present, stop my thinking processes, life opens up before me in the small.

Hence the title of the blog, The Insignificant, Becomes Significant, because that is what happens. The small things that usually go unnoticed, suddenly I am able to see them. During my walk to work, what fascinates me the most is the expression of nature. Birds are singing, flying around, or gathering food. The trees stand solid and rooted, and their foliage rustles in the wind. It is an entire world in its own. And what is remarkable is that this entire world can be easily forgotten. All it requires is one thought, and if I get hooked on the thought, instead of grounding my presence HERE, then I will not anymore be able to see, and take in what is around.

The greatest mistake we can make is believing that life is out there, behind the next creek. Children understand that there is no such thing as a life to come, and hence, they live and express themselves fully in each moment. As adults, the only thing that stands in our way from living with the same intensity and love for life, is ourselves. More specifically, our own thinking processes and energetic experiences – that is the veil we need to remove in order to see what is here.

I have seen, realized and understand, that I do not want to waste a single day, a single hour or minute, remaining stuck in an experience of blame towards the system, or reaction of apathy and lethargy towards having to work five days a week. It is not acceptable for me to be stuck in such experiences without actively moving myself to get out of them. Because, regardless of how convincing and overpowering these emotions might feel – they are never real. And the moment I allow an energy to define my relationship with life, I limit myself, and I miss out on being part of the Significant things that are here.

The solution is to continually push breath awareness, and to stop myself from participating in my mind, and with dedication, conviction and patience, bring myself back here – bring myself back to LIFE and participate here in this physical world.


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Day 354: Nostalgia, Why Does It Exist?

Today, I had a moment where Nostalgia arose within me. With a sense of loss I remembered passed moments in which I had lavishly enjoyed hours of making music, which stood in stark contrast with my current lifestyle, where most of my time is spent working. Instead of remaining in that experience, I stopped myself, and I gave myself a moment to question the experience.

What is Nostalgia? Why does Nostalgia comes up within me? What is the consequence of participating in Nostalgia?

One thing that I could see clearly as I asked myself these questions was that it is not like my current life is in anyway bad, or that I lack opportunities to for example, make music. In-fact, I have ample of opportunities to pursue hobbies, and thus I could see that it was not the fault of my work that I was not making music anymore. In-fact, the thing that was standing in my way of me making more music was myself – nobody and nothing else. Surely, the conditions of my life had changed since back then, though it is still a possibility for me to pursue music creation. And this then opened up another dimension of the experience of Nostalgia, with regards to the question, what is Nostalgia?

Nostalgia, it is the negative emotion, the drug of choice, that we give to ourselves to feel inferior and less than our past. It is what we use to not have to create, live, pursue, and actively expand in our current reality HERE – because when we are in an experience of Nostalgia – the past is seemingly always better and always out of reach. However, that is not true, fact is that we are still alive, and still fully capable of creating our life and future. The function of Nostalgia is thus to justify why we should not give effort and willpower into creating ourselves and our lives – why we should wait – why it is okay to be discontent with what we have here yet still remain in a experience of longing towards what we lived and experienced in the past.

The solution to Nostalgia is thus to look at where in our lives where are not living our utmost potential, where it is that we are holding back, allowing ourselves to be limited and confined, and then in that area, push ourselves to break through and live what we see is best for ourselves. Thus, it is not about recreating the past, it is about creating the future – and making sure that we always expand, move and challenge ourselves to be the best that we can become.


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Day 350: Writing, The Way to Fill Life With Purpose

It is not strange that many feel purposeless and lost. This tends to happen when we loose touch with the physical reality, with our genuine self-expression, and our focus becomes more and more zoned into what happens within our minds. I have noticed, for myself, that the experience of being purposeless and lost goes hand in hand with my own relationship with myself – and interestingly enough – this relationship has been very much dependent upon writing.

Some weeks ago I made a decision to write more for myself. I have usually written about once a week, though now, I decided to write once every day or once every other day. The effects of applying this decision were immediate and positive, especially with regards to how I experienced myself in relation to words such as purpose, direction and movement. Because in when moving, working and living within the system on a daily basis, it is easy to forget what matters. If we do not nourish our relationship with ourselves properly, soon enough we will begin to feel empty and lost. And that is when it is easy to believe that we need a energy to feel alive and on track – that we need some form of personal reinvention – for example – a new hobby, a new car, a new girlfriend or a new job. However it is never about what to do, experience, achieve, get, own, out there – it is always and only about ourselves.

When I started to write more regularly, I noticed that my mind became more quiet, and the experience of being without purpose that had been stirring within me for a while, it was not there anymore. I was surprised, because I initially thought that I had to establish some form of direction in relation to the world system, to direct my experience of being without purpose. That was not the case, because purpose, is not something that can be achieved out there – purpose is something that we live within and as ourselves – it is all about who we are.

Yet, why is it that writing is such a powerful tool when it comes to establishing purpose? I see it the following way. Purpose, which is a clear sense and understanding of what I am doing here and to what end, is dependent upon inner clarity, that is the ability to see ourselves and our life clearly. And writing is one of the most effective tools for establishing clarity, because when we place down words before us, and through that with awareness design our understanding/seeing of reality and ourselves, we create clarity. Seeing clearly is thus a matter of having a clear and solid vocabulary, with which we have clearly defined and made sense of the world we interact with on a daily basis.

Writing is how we investigate, expand, move and create ourselves and our lives. In placing words, we design ourselves, and that brings through clarity, which in turns enables us to live with purpose. And purpose is simply to be clear on what we are doing, live with a reason, and have a clear direction – and with writing – we are able to establish that direction – re-focus our attention on what we want to create/expand/move/direct. That is why writing is so important, and why everyone interested in finding stability and purpose in their lives should use writing daily to expand their relationship with themselves.