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Day 421: Being Able To Work With Everyone

Today I listened to a really good Eqafe interview called Leadership: Being Able to Work With Everyone – Quantum Mind Self Awareness. The point of working together with other people in projects was discussed, and one thing in particular resonated with me; we do not have to like the people we work with, or decide to coordinate a project together with.

I found this supportive, because I have had a tendency to make relationships, particularly in the work environment, personal, in the sense that I believe that the relationships must be personal for the work and communication to flow effectively. However, interestingly enough, at work this has proven to not be the case many, many times. In-fact, some of the people that I work the best with, is actually people that I do not get along with on a personal basis. And that is because – in work – there are not the same requirements, the same relationships, the same movement, needed as is the case in personal relationships – and believing that this is the case – that is making a mistake.

And this the case in a variety of relationships – I cannot use one and the same mold for all the various contexts that is part of my life – in order to be able to direct myself and live with common sense – what is required is that I practice seeing the purpose and starting point – the reason – why am I here? What is the point? When it comes to work, the reason and purpose is to handle the responsibilities according to the purpose and reason of that particular position in the system – and the success and failure of such a movement is not determined according to how personally satisfying and enjoyable the relationships are.

In-fact, this tendency of ours to believe that we need some form of ‘connection’ and ‘intimate experience’ towards a point in order for us to engage with it and be effective within it, is a pattern that I have seen in many, and that I myself allowed to control and direct many of the decision I made throughout my teenage years and early twenties. Not necessarily in relation to people, though the more in relation to hobbies, school work, and career choices – because my idea was that it had to be ‘fun’ – I had to have a ‘feel’ for it to actually move. I have learned now that is not needed – I do not need to feel – all I need to do is to move myself and then be consistent – the physical will sort out the rest.

Thus – conclusion: How I feel is not really relevant – because efficient relationships are dependent upon so many other points – and these can only be assessed in the PHYSICAL – because that is where we see the reality of ourselves and our lives. We might kick-ass at a job that we do not necessarily like, and oppositely, we might really suck at a job that we firmly and wholly love. To make sustainable decision in this world – what must take primary focus is what works IN THE PHYSICAL – not how we feel about things – and that is the skill of not taking things personally – not making things personal – but remaining objective.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must have a positive feeling and experience towards what I do, towards my work, towards my colleagues, for me to participate within the point and direct it effectively – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what is important is the physical – and whether I am compatible with the physical or not – that is the point of importance – not how I feel

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be friends with my colleagues for me to work effectively – that we must have a personal and intimate relationship for us to move and work effectively together – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this is not the case – that a work-relationship does not have the same requirements as a personal relationship – and that it is up to me to define the starting point of the relationship which in turn will define the outcome of the relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become depressed and sad when I do not feel a positive and energetic experience towards work – and hence believe that there is something wrong – there is something that is off – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I am in-fact making a thing out of me not feeling anything – not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am in-fact not supposed to feel anything – that work is and should simply be work – and that I do have the opportunity to push myself to live words and expand myself at work both within the various tasks of my work – and also within the relationships I have with people at work

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself interpreting, creating ideas, or preparing to make decisions within a relationship in my world with people, such as colleagues, or in relation to work, or with personal relationships, because I do not feel as I usually feel, or believe I must feel, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this idea that I have to feel something in order to move – it is not real – because what matters and counts in the physical – is physical feedback – is physical effectiveness – is physical compatibility – physical context – and hence I commit myself to make decisions according to what makes sense and what is best in the PHYSICAL – and not according to how I feel about a point or believe that I should feel – because such a starting point does not create the best decisions


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Day 372: Changing The Dynamics of Work

Today I had an interesting experience coming up in relation to work – yet again it was the point of money and superiority rearing its head within me. This time the context was simplistically put as follows: Someone received positive recognition from the boss and it was not me – and it was surprising to see what kind of experiences that came up within me. In particular, I found it interesting to see how deeply I was moved, and what type of backchat that entered into my mind – such as for example: ‘I will not continue to do this work because I do not receive the recognition I deserve’ – ‘Have I done something wrong? Am I not doing my work properly?’.

I realized that these reactions were not really about my boss or my work, but revealed a more ingrained and deeper pattern/way of being that I had not yet explored – the tendency of mine to base WHO I AM on authorities. It is not the first time that I have given up the reigns of my life and handed them over to someone else, because I believed them to be more capable than me. It has happened with friends, family, colleagues and in other forms of social groups – I believe that someone is above me and then I give them complete power over me.

The relevant question to ask is why I do this, and also, what solutions are there that I am able to apply that will assist and support me to change this point.

The first question, why I do this, has a straightforward answer; it is because I do not trust or see myself as sufficiently valuable to stand as this point. I believe that I am not sufficient as a person to walk and decide upon my own way life – where I want to go – and what I want to do with myself – and that I need a plastic daddy at every corner.

The second question, what solutions there are for this point, here I see the following: Instead of doing things for me, or for a purpose/vision that I have created within self-awareness, I do things for my boss, to be appreciated, seen or recognized – the solution must hence be to create directive principle in relation to these parts of my life – and clearly place WHO I AM and WHY I AM doing what I am doing – and then to motivate myself utilizing my own self-created purpose/vision/direction. Hence – the word that must be redefined and lived is AUTHORITY.

Because it is clear that in order to live a fulfilling and expansive life, I must stand as the author-of-me. The direction of my life, who I am within it, why I do what I do, those are aspects of my life that I must decide upon. It cannot be left up to chance and hope – and it most definitely is not effective to hand-over my direction to someone I believe to be more capable than myself. That never works.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my value, whether I am successful or not, whether I am doing a good job or not, on whether I achieve acceptance from my superiors

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my own acceptance/validation/satisfaction as not good enough, not sufficient, and it does not count when I am satisfied with something, because I require someone else, of a higher stature and position to tell me, that I am doing good, that I am needed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself dependent upon someone else for me to go to my work and be motivated within what I am doing – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change and alter – to become a different person when I am received differently

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a certain type and form of reception for me to be stable and to effectively walk my work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a certain type of reception, and to be accommodated before I invest myself, before I commit, before I move

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my superiors when I feel that I am not receiving enough recognition for the way that I am approaching and move to partake in work – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work for ME – to not apply myself in work for ME – to not stand with me and assess myself and ask whether I am satisfied – whether I am content – and thus not make it dependent upon anyone else to give me recognition/approval

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I will always place a limit on how far I am able to go – if I make myself dependent on someone else to recognize and approve me – that I will then wait – hold myself back – fear moving myself to my utmost ability – and push myself as far as I am able to go – because I am not certain as to whether I will receive a response from a superior – and thus fear that I will not get the recognition in turn

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only commit myself in relation to something when I believe/feel/see it as likely that I will get something in return – such as appreciation/recognition from my boss – instead of doing something for and as myself – and thus for example – pursue work in such a way that I do it for me – that I challenge myself – that I push myself – that I commit myself to refine and further my skills in relation to work and that I do not do it to get someone’s liking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to inflate myself with positive critique and motivate myself using positive words from others – not seeing, realizing and understand that I will through relying on positive critique, positive words, a positive response from others, set myself up for failure – because I will undoubtedly face the negative side – where I do not get positive critique, where I am ignored or reprimanded in some way – and thus I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see the importance of remaining stable – steadfast – the same yesterday, today and tomorrow – having a clear and solid principle that I utilize to move myself forward with – not making it more or less than what it is

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself pumping myself up using positive critique, or encouragement from my superiors, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand – that in order to remain stable and steadfast at my work – in order to be consistent and move myself steadily forward – I cannot accept and allow myself to base my application on what people say or do not say about me – if I get positive or negative critique – rather such points can only ever be allowed to be points of cross-reference that I use in my movement-process – that I walk for and as myself; thus I commit myself to breathe through these positive experiences – to ground myself into and as my human physical body – and see the information as a cross-reference – to then assess it for and as myself – and see whether I am satisfied or there is something that I am able to improve – to thus be and stand as my own point of movement

I commit myself to be my own point of movement at work – by – assessing myself, my professional skills and development, to be honest with myself, and also, to push myself to excel, because I see that I am able to live and apply more – I am able to expand and move myself further – and because it is a natural things for me to expand and move myself further

When I receive negative criticism, or someone ignore me, give attention to another, or does not like what I have produced – and I become sad/demotivated/depressed – I stop myself – I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I am limiting myself by accepting and allowing my inner self to be dependent on how others see me – that I limit my movement, my commitment, my drive, my motivation upon whether someone receives me the way I want it or not – hence – not seeing that my work is an extension of ME – and that it is thus not relevant what anyone else thinks or sees about me; thus I commit myself to BREATHE and to ground myself here and continue to move myself – in stability – forward – in my process of expansion and movement – to embrace the steady movement of myself – where I do not accept and allow the highs and lows of life to impact and affect me



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Day 290: All-one or Lonely?

On a recurring basis I have an experience of feeling very lonely, misunderstood, and diminished, and this in relation to friends, acquaintances and other relatives. The core of the experience is that I think/believe that I do not fit in, and that I have done or said something wrong, which makes me lonely, and everyone else, a part of the family and social experience. Today I am going to look more closely at this experience.

The first thing I noticed as I brought this experience up within me is that it is a emotion (negative), and hence, there must be a feeling (positive) that I am also participating in. Fascinatingly enough, the positive side of this equation has not bothered me, because it feels good to be included, loved, and accepted. What I have not considered in those moments though is that to feel included, loved and accepted, I must also have, and participate in the other polarity, as no energetic polarity can exist with and by itself.

Hence, the first question, when have I throughout my last week felt included, loved and accepted? Well, I see that this happened as I communicated with a friend of mine, and after the talk, which I felt went really good, it was a deep, and intimate, I felt included, and accepted, as if I was an important part of my friends life. Then, some days later, as I was sitting with my friends again, they were all talking with each other, yet I had nothing to say, and so I sat back and observed them. I did not feel invited and tended to by them, and afterwards I started to feel lonely, misunderstood, and rejected. And there is the polarity.

Now, what is the core issue here? What is there core point that I am missing, and the word that is required to be redefined? From what I can see, one word that I require to redefine is Friendship – because that is basically were a lot of these experiences, both negative, and positive, arise from. The problem is that the word friendship is currently this positively charged word, which I have seen as the origin of such points as acceptance, and value – and hence because I have polarized the relationship with the word friendship it creates various energetic conflicts within me.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for friendship, closeness, intimacy, and value in others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself as these words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for a role in the lives of others, where I feel that I am a part of something, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/define myself as being a part of life – as life – not seeing, realizing and understanding that I do not have to struggle, fight, and force myself in this life to be accepted – but that I can accept myself and stand as a part of life as life itself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to polarize the word relationship, and friendship, to exist within and as a positive polarity of feeling included, and a part of something, and a negative, of feeling lonely, pushed away and excluded – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself through living this word from within and as emotion and feelings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for intimacy, comfort and closeness with others, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the most important relationship in my life in which I require and have to establish intimacy, openness and comfort, which is with my own relationship with myself – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the word relationship and friendship as parts of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a drive to be accepted and to feel comfortable, a part of, and close to others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in pushing myself to exist in such a state, I am compromising and loosing myself, because I am not standing stable and firm within my purpose and direction in this life, and here I see that it is obvious that my purpose and direction in life is not to be accepted by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my integrity and my principles to be accepted by others – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view it as a superior success and completion when somebody seems to like me and they confer with me some of their bullshit – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself to have that in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to live the courage of walking my life with integrity and standing by my principles – where for example – I do not accept and allow myself to talk badly about others in order to be accepted – and I do not accept and allow myself to gossip or participate in gossip to feel included and accepted by a group of people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is easy to loose sight of what is important when in the world system, when in relationships, such as job relationships, and thus I commit myself to at all times keep an overview of things, keep a perspective, to see that my job and the relationships there are very specific in my life, and are not there to give me a feeling of closeness and intimacy, and that I am doing my work to survive, and pushing myself to be specific and walk my job description as effectively as possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when and as I accept and allow relationships to become my priority, then I loose perspective, then I loose sight on what is important, on what is relevant, and on my perspective on life – and thus I commit myself to stand with my perspective – seeing that I am walking this life to create what is best for all – to walk and create a purpose that I see is best for all – and in that I will stand with my integrity and principles – and I will not accept and allow myself to compromise myself to be liked and feel a part of something – as I will instead push myself to be effective, specific and disciplined in walking the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if I am going to live my life to be accepted by others and feel a part of the lives of others – then I am going to miss my life – I am going to miss myself – and I am going to become unfocused and loose my direction – as I am constantly looking at others – how others are moving – how others are thinking – what others are saying and not saying – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself – place the focus on ME – on where I am going – on what I am doing – and thus not accept and allow myself to loose myself and my direction through becoming all concerned with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the positive experiences of feeling included, feeling a part of something, feeling liked, and embraced, when I am participating with other people, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when and as I am participating in the positive, I am also creating the negative, thus creating the state of being of feeling excluded, inferior, pushed away and rejected – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to walk my life in stability – and fully express my potential – I must and require to stand alone – stand by myself – and not have this weakness in my of looking to others for safety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look in others for feeling safe and comfortable – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realizing and understand that I can stand as that point myself – and that I do not need and require someone else to be my safety and comfort – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself to have another like – so that I can feel they are my safety and comfort

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can develop that strength in me to be able to stand through all situations and stand alone – stand without anyone having my back – standing in this life – in this system – strong and stable – and not accepting and allowing anything to get to me – as I remain within and as breath and remain clear in my direction, my principles and my integrity – and remember/have an overview – as to why I am here and what I am doing in this lifetime

Self-commitment statements

When and as I see myself going into a state of feeling positive, included, liked, and embraced, as I am participating with others, I stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that when I am participating in the positive, I am equally creating the negative, thus, I am creating emotions for myself that I will have to walk through at a later stage – and thus I see, realize and understand that in order to fully stand stable in my life – I cannot accept and allow myself to remain within a positive state of feeling – thus I commit myself to participate with others in my life from a starting point and experience of stability – of silence – of standing with and as my human physical body here as breath

When and as I see myself going into a state of negativity, as feel rejected, pushed away and lonely, when or after I have participated with others, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here, and I see, realize and understand that this way of approaching relationships is not effective, as I am making my life about others, and being/feeling included, not about me walking this life, and standing with the purpose that I have given to myself, and what I want to build/create with and as my life – and thus I commit myself to stabilize myself – to remind myself of what is important – to keep my perspective and stand with my purpose as to what I am going to do in this life – so as to not loose myself in irrelevancies

Day 270: Social Anxiety and Misunderstandings

Today at work I faced an interesting situation. A couple of my colleagues and I were talking about an upcoming event at the office. They were in a light and playful mood, and started to joke with me. I found it interesting that in this moment, I did not experience this light and playful mood as something enjoyable, and inviting – my reaction was instead that of fear/anxiety/insecurity.

The reaction was quite strong, and the physical sensation was the of my body tensing up, especially in my calves. And as the reaction came up within me, yet another fear arose from within, the fear of: What if my colleagues are seeing what I am experiencing? What if they will not see me as one of those easy going, flowing, and comfortable-to-be-around people?

Thus what happened was that a initial reaction of insecurity, got coupled with a reaction of fear, and this then snowballed, and I found it difficult to settle down, breath, and relax my human physical, which I do know is an effective solution, especially when emotional reactions come up. Instead of breathing, and settling down, I tried to be more ‘up-beat’ and ‘get more into’ the joking and playful mood, however, this simply did not work but instead exacerbated the reaction. This shows that what I resist, will persist, it is not possible to counter a experience with its opposite, as that will only cause more friction – hence – a effective solution is to slow down and move back into my human physical body – understanding that it is nothing ‘out there’ that is required to be corrected – instead it is my relationship with and as myself that must be corrected.

Hence, what I see that I am doing many times, and that causes me to miss a moment, is that I place my focus on how others are reacting/perceive/experience me. Though, when an reaction emerge within me, the focus must be who I am within and as myself – and that must be that point that is forgiven – the reaction coming up from within.

Another point that I see is the point of fitting in, the desire to fit in and be considered as one in the group – that is a fear that comes up when I have a reaction/experience towards another – because if another notice what I am going through – will they then consider/see me as being one in the group?

Hence the play-out today I see as being a mix of several programs – though the core point is the Fear of What Others Might Think Of ME, or Do, or Say to Me – that is the underlying experiences that fuels these reactions – and the self-interest that I am holding unto that currently cause me to have difficulty to move through this experience.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others might think of me, say, or do to me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interact with others in a state of apprehension/holding back – where I am in a state of interpretation, and caution, trying to be aware of how another interprets me so that I can change myself to fit their personal mind settings – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself around others to fit in – instead of accepting and allowing myself to be myself – to express myself naturally and comfortable – and not accept and allow myself to change myself to be liked by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others have to say about me, and fear that others are talking behind my back, and saying that I am strange, different, and an outcast – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuel this view of myself that I am strange – that I am not the same as others – and that I require/must fit in – change myself – and be like a chameleon – in order to not cause a raucous and make others notice me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when speaking/sharing myself with my colleagues at work – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in this slight state of tension – where I feel like I am on my toes constantly – trying to read another and how they are expressing themselves – so that I can immediately change to accommodate that change and make the situation positive/comfortable for another – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being myself – to fear living/standing within and as stability when I am with others – and hence not accept and allow myself to give into my mind and start to interact with others from within and as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to change/rearrange myself to fit the minds of others – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of constant anxiety – preparation – where I try to be prepared for another and the attack that they might make on me – and that I must be there to make the save as fast as possible and then put something back that is hopefully seen/considered within a state of positivity as being something good – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my natural playful and enjoyable expression through giving into fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that fear is really one of the main creators of separation – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – that fear indicates self-interest – and the self-interest in my case would be to avoid conflict/friction – where I want everyone to like me so that I do not have to experience myself embarrassed and disliked by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it is a point of self-interest to want and desire to be liked by everyone – to be positively considered by everyone – to have a ‘good’ relationship with everyone – and with ‘good’ meaning – that everyone knows me, likes me, and considers me to be fun and popular

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a female saying something about me that was meant as a critique, and me taking that personally, and becoming sad, and judging myself for showing this sadness to others, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a fear of such an event repeating – and me again having to experience myself as being sad, and personally attacked – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of fear towards being personally attacked and having others define me as a weak and inferior person that they can use as a target for their attacks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be desperate to be liked, desperate to have others see/experience me in a positive/comfortable light, where they see me as being one of their friends/comrades – that they like/enjoy to be with – and that they want to have a lot to do with – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this self-interest within me is enticing fear/anxiety – and that I am creating separation through holding unto this desire because I am not accepting and allowing myself to be genuine – self-honest and real in my participation with others

Self-commitment statements

When and as I am communicating/speaking/interacting with others, and I notice myself beginning to tense up, and experience a fear, anxiety, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I make the focus of that moment to be me relaxing, me breathing, and me sharing myself from my oneness connection and being self-honest, and genuine in my expression, and thus not try and attempt to be more than myself, or less – but simply be genuine and real in the moment

I commit myself to practice self-honest and genuine participation with others – where I place my attention on my physical body and expression – and make it a point to share myself from within and as my oneness connection – and be real with others – and here I see that I cannot be real with others unless I am grounded – physical and here

When and as I see myself tense up, and change, because I perceive that another is reacting towards, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that this reaction within me cannot be solved by me trying to be like I believe that another wants me to be – but must be solved by me letting go of this angst – and allowing myself to be real – realizing that REAL is something that I am only able to live/express/stand as – when I breathe effectively and ground myself in my physical – and stop these experiences/thoughts that come up from within

Day 158: Social ineptness

So, today some fascinating points have come in relation to the point that I’ve opened up and committed myself to walk through to COMPLETION – the general point is that of social angst – yet this point contain many various dimensions, and a new dimension that I noticed today is in relation to a belief that I hold of myself – the belief that I am socially inept – that I am somehow worse than others at being social and that my natural expression is not sufficiently socially acceptable – and that I as such require to mold and emulate my expression to be more acceptable.

Some context: I was hanging out with some persons that are new in my world, and it was a fresh environment for me, so I didn’t really know how to place myself in it, and who I should be. As I observed myself interact in this new environment, and these new persons, I saw that what I held within me was this general experience of ‘I am less’ – and the consequential outflow of me holding unto this point of ‘I am less’ was that I didn’t express myself within the self-confidence, comfortableness, and ease that I know I am capable of – instead my expression was more held back, passive, and hesitating – not as I would express myself with for example, my family, or my partner, where I am much more at ease with myself.

Thus, why is it that I have this ‘I am less’ experience?

From what I am able to see, it’s actually a form of protection mechanism, because when I hold myself in this ‘I am less’-character – I don’t show myself, I don’t open up, and I am not really HERE – the logic here is that I am then ‘protected’ – though the part that doesn’t make sense is why I’d like to feel protected and in that sacrifice my natural expansive expression?

Really, the question must be asked, I am in-fact protecting myself from a realistic fear, or is it but an assumption that I’ve made, that if I accept and allow myself to step out of my protections, I will be ‘hurt’ and ‘attacked’? And is there really such a thing as being mentally hurt and attacked?

I’d say – NO – there isn’t – and accordingly this shyness character, this ‘I am less’-character is not something that is supportive for me – and thus I must further practice living myself out of this habitual suppression tactic and realize that it’s really nothing dangerous out there, and that there are lot’s of things to do, many people to get to know, and projects to walk, if I accept and allow myself to step out of my character of diminishment, and be myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am interacting with people, and placing myself in a new environment, and with people that I don’t yet have a long-term relationship, to take in the position of ‘I am less’ within myself, and go into a state and condition of being shy, passive, and held back, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto this state of being, through believing that when I am in this state of passivity I am protecting myself from harm, and accordingly I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself, and believe that there is some gigantic harm awaiting for me out there, if I’d accept and allow myself to step it up, and walk out of my shell, and practice self-confidence, self-trust, and self-authority, and be at ease and comfortable with myself regardless of situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with other people, with so-called strangers, I am required to put on a mask, and be more passive, and held-back, in the belief that apparently, with strangers, if I would express myself, I would become attacked, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this belief that ‘I will be attacked’ isn’t in anyway substantiated within me with facts, it’s but an experience, but a fear coming up within me, that I pay attention to and live according to, without having cross-referenced with physical reality whether or whether not this fear is actually real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, and accept myself as held back, shy and insecure, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that I require and must be stuck in this experience, and movement of myself as insecure, and shy, and believe that this is something I must just accept, and that there is nothing I am able to do about it, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself in moments when I notice I go into this shyness, and passive character, to say – NO – and practice, physically, practically living self-confidence, and living self-trust – through straightening my back, and looking people in the eye, and communicating with a clear and stable voice

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am with others, to participate within and as, and go into a fear that ‘they are talking behind my back’ and that ‘everything I do or say will be used against me’ – and ‘I don’t know what they are thinking about me’ – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a fear of how others are going to perceive and experience my expression, and fear that I am going to say or do something that will be termed socially inept, and accordingly I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry more about what others think about me, rather than me living and participating and moving myself as my human physical body, practically, physically, here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that others are to invite me into their life’s, and give me a sense and experience of ease and comfortableness, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for others to make me comfortable, instead of me pushing, and willing myself to be comfortable, to be at ease, and to trust myself and be confident, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that only I am able to give this point to myself, and as such I must practice this point, and one point relation to self-confidence that I see I must practice to walk out of this shyness character, is stopping blaming, judging and attacking myself when I am do a mistake – or when a social interaction doesn’t turn out ‘cool’ – because when I judge myself I make myself more self-conscious and less effective at simply being myself, and trusting myself here – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push and will myself to trust myself – and to love myself and live these words as myself through stopping judging and being hard on myself when I notice I make a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will immediately be able to step out of my shyness and ‘I am less’-character and that it will go without mistakes, and without effort – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how it will be a effort to bring myself out of this particular character, and how it will be a process that will take time, application, and presumably, many mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept and allow myself to make mistakes, to test things out, and to apply corrections, and not be afraid or worried that they won’t work, and realize that if I fail, or make a mistake, I can simply re-consider and re-align the point, and bring the point into a correction with is effective and works for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the general crowd of people in my life thinks that I am strange and dislikes, and likes other people more than what they like me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as this fear and anxiety, the moment I say something, or share myself with another, that my words, and my expression, is going to cause within another a judgment, and a thought that: “I don’t like you” – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice and suppress my natural and easy-going expression as myself – in fear of what others think about me – in fear of how others feel about me – not seeing, realizing and understand that it’s obviously not cool for me to bind myself up in fear and justify this through thinking that I must have each and everyone like me

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into the shyness, and passiveness, and ‘I am less’-character, which I can see through me becoming held back, slouching my shoulders, and becoming hesitant in relation to whether I should speak or not, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here, and I commit myself to live self-confident – and live this through straightening my back, breathing effectively and relaxing my physical body, accepting and allowing myself to caress myself within and as myself, and hold myself, and then move myself in the moment within and as self-trust – and confidence – as me being stable and living the fact that I am an equal with others – neither less – neither more

I commit myself to stop fearing that others are speaking behind my back, and that others are creating negative experiences in relation to me, and that they are creating resistances towards me – and accordingly I commit myself to trust myself, to stand by myself, and dare to live self-honesty, and have the courage of me being stable and expressive, and the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow, regardless of what another might or might not think about me – and I commit myself to live this correction through stating NO – I will not accept and allow these thoughts and emotions to overwhelm me – when and as I notice that this ‘what are others thinking of me ‘fear’ comes up within

Day 156: How Fitting In Is Really A Form of Fear

Yesterday I wrote about the point of fitting in, and today I am going to expand on this, and specifically look at the point of socializing, talking, and interacting, which is something that I often feel quite a discomfort towards doing – particularly when its with people that I have no close relationship with and that I don’t know particularly well. This fits in with the fitting in point, because I’ve realized, that when I worry, and feel uncomfortable around others, I loose my self-expression, and self-enjoyment, and these points are the fuel for socialization – because when I accept and allow myself to enjoy myself, and talk without fear, uninhibited, and without worry – that’s when I can socialize effectively.

I’ve also realized how much I accept and allow myself to become influenced by how I believe that others feel about me – for example – I will express myself in a situation openly, and playfully, and within that see that my expression isn’t positively received by those in my world – and in doing that I will start to become worried that there is something I’ve done wrong, that there is something I’ve not expressed correctly or as I should express it, and then I begin to suppress my self-expression, instead of realizing the simple point that – everybody will not like me – everybody will not feel pleasurable when I speak, and express myself – though that is not something that I can accept and allow to hold me back in life, because in doing that, I would live a life of suppressing myself and my natural self-expression, which is not something that I want to do.

So, what I am going to do in this blog is to apply self-forgiveness on the fears I have of other people, and also of accepting and allowing myself to become influenced by how I believe that others feel about me, and experience me – and I will also anchor this point in the physical through redefining the word self-confidence – because that is what I see that I lack – the self-confidence to be comfortable with myself, to trust myself, and to enjoy myself with others – and to not accept and allow how others experience themselves to effect how I experience myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear approaching others, and talking with others as myself in natural self-expression, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within me, and an idea that my natural self-expression is not acceptable, its not cool, and its not likable, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and hold myself back when and as I am communicating and interacting with others, in the belief that when I share myself I am not doing it correctly, and appropriately and as I apparently should do it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being excommunicated, and fear that someone will think that I am immature, and childish when I am expressing myself, and that I am not following the social rules, norms, and regulations of how I should express myself, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself, and hold myself back in fear of what others are going to think about me, instead of me accepting and allowing myself to expand, and be confident in myself, and stand stable regardless of what others might think about me, or how others might perceive me, or how they might experience me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worried when I speak with others, and hold myself on leash, wherein I am in a constant state of worry, and fear that I am going to say something that will be experienced in a wrong way, and that another will due to what I have said or expressed form a belief and idea of me that I am not likable, and that they don’t want to have anything to do with me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back around others, and suppress myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself, and approach others from within and as a starting point of wanting to fit in, and wanting to be accepted, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that when I am approaching a moment from within and as this starting point, I am in-fact suppressing myself, and I am not accepting and allowing myself to be unconditional, and to be open, and to be myself with and around others – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push through my fear, and stand up within myself, and practice approaching communication, and interaction with others from within and as a starting point of self-confidence, and self-trust, and that I like myself, and stand with myself, regardless of how another feel about me, or what another experience in relation to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be unconditional and open in my expression when and as I approach others, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto insecurities and fears, and think that I am loner, and that I don’t have what it takes to be comfortable around others, and express myself with others, and that what I should do instead, is that I should hold myself back, and contain myself, and make sure that I just keep everything neutral and harmonious around me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear embracing my natural and flowing self-expression in the moment, and fear accepting and allowing myself to come out, and be myself with others – in the belief that myself is not appropriate and is not cool – and that myself as natural self-expression is not sufficiently well adopted and groomed for the social settings that I interact and move myself within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I approach people in my world, to see them as my enemies, and to see them as people that are out to get me, and that I because of this require to hold myself back, and contain myself, and make sure that I am not to open, and to expressive, because then they might attack me and bring me down, or make me emotional, or sad, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself, and stand with myself, and support myself in moments with others, through accepting and allowing myself to express myself, communicate, and interact with others as myself, being natural, and effortless in my participation, and not accepting and allowing myself to judge myself when I make mistakes, but rather stand up immediately and get on it again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself through judging myself, and thinking that I have in moments expressed myself in a way that is wrong, and that because of this, nobody likes me, and nobody wants to be around me anymore, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for me suppressing myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I’ve taken it personally, and that I begun judging myself, when and as I’ve perceived that others haven’t liked me, or experienced themselves positively around me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself through this point of taking it personally, and judging myself, and instead approach every moment, and every interaction with new eyes, and accepting and allowing myself to open up, be expressive, share myself, and enjoy myself with others without fear, or anxiety, or worry or concern

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and be hard on myself when I suppress myself, and when I hold myself back, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea, and belief that I should be able to immediately and without practice, and without walking a physical process of self-correction, express myself naturally and effortlessly around others, instead of realizing and understanding, that in order to create and live myself as this point of expression – I require to actively and continuously push myself in each and every moment of interaction and participation to be here – to speak – to share – and to be open to what is here in this moment

Self-commitments

I commit myself to practice living self-confidence, which I will do through approaching situations, and social interactions within me being open, expressive, and within that participate without fear, worry or concern, and instead accept and allow myself to share myself as my natural self-expression here in every moment of breath

I commit myself to practice living self-confidence as not accepting and allowing myself to be influenced, or to suppress, and withhold myself, when and as I see that someone is reacting to me, and how I share and express myself, but instead continue to move, and continue to express and be here – stable, and consistent within and as myself and not accept and allow myself to take it personally and judge myself when I notice that I am not liked by another; because I see, realize and understand that its not about being liked – its instead about me living, sharing and expressing myself fully – and not accepting and allowing myself to hold myself back in fear of what others might think about me

I commit myself to push myself to expand my social circles through communicating with new people – through striking up conversations with others when I see that there is a opportunity to do so – and as such push myself out of my shyness and fear bubble – and realize that I must make the decision to walk and apply this correction continuously – and accept and allow myself to seclude myself in a worry and fear bubble

Day 155: Fitting In

Today I faced a point in my world in regards to desire I’ve created within myself to fit in and be liked, and the context was the following: So, there is a person A in my world – now – I’ve noticed that person A seem to like some other persons more than what he likes me. When I’ve noticed this, I have come up within me, a reaction of sadness, despair, as well as blame, because apparently its persons A fault that I feel the way I feel, because he should like me equally as much as he likes these other persons.

Looking at the point in common sense, it’s obviously very ineffective to walk around in life, wanting to be liked by people, and also, defining myself according to whether I perceive myself as being liked, or disliked by others, because it creates the consequences, that I am like a bouncer – where I either bounce upwards, because I believe someone likes me, or I crash down, because I believe someone dislikes me – making me ineffective at that which is important in my life = caring and tending to my commitments and responsibilities, and walking my self-process, where the focus is me and who I am, and not on what others do or don’t do. Further, its impossible to make sure that anyone likes me, and thus its nonsensical to accept and allow my self-experience to be dependent upon such a uncertain and insubstantial point – much better that I instead remain the same – remain stable regard less of whether I am liked or disliked.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to whether I perceive that another dislike, or like me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad, and experience despair, and inferiority, when and as I perceive that another person in my life doesn’t like me, or likes me less than what he or she likes another – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the point of whether I am liked or disliked, of whether I have friends or I don’t have friends, of whether I am involved in a group or I am not involved in a group, instead of pushing myself to remain stable regardless of whether someone likes or dislikes me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want harmonious relationships in my life, where I am certain that everybody likes me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise, suppress and change myself around others, to make sure that they like me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a irrational fear of being disliked, and excommunicated from a group, in believing that my value is dependent upon whether I am invited and received by another as a friend, and as a positive point in another human beings life and world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I suspect that another dislikes me, to immediately go into and as sadness, and despair, and believe that another dislikes me, because there is something wrong with me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the natural, and normal state of things, should be that everyone likes me, that everyone experience me as a positive, and upbeat life force in their world, and that they want to have me around them, because they feel happy around me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my value, and worth around the point of whether others are happy around me or not – instead of defining my value according to who I am, according to my self-application, and according to my own decision as to who I am in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for not liking me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that another is pulling me down in a emotional turmoil, because he, or she doesn’t like me, or appreciate me sufficiently, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that its not in-fact about the other, but its about my relationship with myself, and that this other person assists and supports me to reveal, and expose a certain dimension of my relationship with myself that I haven’t yet looked at and investigated specifically and effectively – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of the blame, and instead be grateful that this other person assists and supports me in revealing certain self-compromising dimensions that exists within me that I haven’t yet dealt with and directed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think in my mind that my relationship with another is destroyed, and isn’t working, because the other person seemingly doesn’t like me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my relationship with another isn’t defined according to how another experience themselves, but is something that I define and create within myself, as I decide who I am, and as I decide what I will accept and allow, and what I will not accept and allow within me towards another – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my focus be upon how this person experience himself, instead of looking at how I exist within and as myself, and what I am able to do to bring this point into and as a solution for myself – and let go of my reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my reactions with thinking that we simply don’t fit together, that we simply don’t agree with one another, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how in-fact, this is a self-compromise, that its not about the other person, but that its about what I accept and allow, and what I will not accept and allow within me, and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not define the context of this relationship, and place myself towards this other person specifically, in defining the purpose and direction of the relationship, and as such making sure that I know who I am in relation to the other point so that there exists no conflict within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I meet new people, to define and specifically direct the relationship within me, to specify what the relationship is, and who I am towards the relationship, why the relationship is in my world, and thus how I am in relationship to that particular person – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself go into conflict within myself, because I want all the relationships in my world to be that of friendships, of feeling pleasurable, and nice, and me within that feeling liked, instead of realizing that there are other forms of relationships in this world that doesn’t have this context, and where I require to align myself to the point from within and as a starting point that is in alignment with why the relationship exists in my world to begin with

Self-commitments

I commit myself to align my relationship to person A to be in relation to the context as to why the relationship is in my world, and to not expect, or want anything more out of it, than what the relationship is on a physical level – and thus I commit myself to let go of any hopes, and expectations of being liked, or loved, and instead keep it professional, and direct it according to what I see is best for the both of us in relation to where we are in our life’s

I commit myself to breathe through the reactions of despair, inferiority, and sadness, and instead align myself with my human physical body, and make the relationship with person A supportive in relation to the context as to why we have each-other in our worlds – and why we’ve meet – and as such not try to make something that it isn’t – or hope that it should be something different than what it is – I remain with what real – and what is here